Original subtitles

(Chris) DEAR DIARY, REMEMBER ME?

I'M THE GUY WHO STOLE YOU FROM WOOLWORTH'S ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO.

I REALIZE I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IN YOU

SINCE I DUG UP THAT GIANT EARTHWORM WHEN I WAS 12.

BUT THAT'S THE BREAKS. SUE ME.

[chuckling]

ANYWAY, NOTHING MUCH IS NEW.

I'M STILL A PAPERBOY.

OH, AND I'M HAVING SEX NOW.

SO THAT'S A BIG HELP.

THE MAIN REASON I'M WRITING YOU HOWEVER,

IS TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE WONDERFUL, ENCHANTING EVENTS

THAT BEFELL ME LAST WEEK.

EVENTS THAT HAVE CAUSED ME TO FOREVER ALTER MY PERCEPTION

OF THIS CRAZY, TOPSY-TURVY, BUTTERY THING WE CALL LIFE.

IT ALL STARTED ABOUT 7 A.M. LAST MONDAY.

SO, MOM, DAD, WHAT'S UP FOR TODAY? ANY BIG PLANS?

WELL, ACTUALLY WE WERE THINKING OF LOOKING THROUGH

SOME MAGAZINES LATER ON IF WE'RE NOT TOO TIRED.

NO, GLADYS, THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE PLANNED FOR NEXT WEEK.

THIS IS THE DAY THE WORKERS ARRIVE

TO START WORK ON THE KITCHEN.

WORKERS?

DIDN'T WE TELL YOU?

YOUR FATHER HAS FINALLY AGREED TO EXPAND THE KITCHEN BY 6 INCHES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO WITH ALL THAT EXTRA SPACE.

WORKERS, AS IN CONSTRUCTION WORKERS?

AS IN THE GUYS WHO WEAR HARD HATS AND TOOL BELTS

AND HAVE BRILL CREAM IN THEIR HAIR?

THAT'S RIGHT.

THE KIND OF GUYS THAT... THAT USE FOUL LANGUAGE,

AND HAVE WIVES NAMED BONNIE

AND, DARE I SAY IT, STINK?

YES, I SUPPOSE, EVENTUALLY THEY WILL STINK.

[exclaims]

YES, YES, I'M SO EXCITED. WHEN DO THEY GET HERE?

HOLD ON NOW, BOY, THROW IT INTO REVERSE.

BEFORE YOUR BRAIN EXPLODES, LISTEN UP.

YOU ARE NOT TO TALK TO THEM, BOTHER THEM,

OR STARE AT THEM.

IF HISTORY TELLS US ANYTHING,

IT'S THAT YOU HAVE A TENDENCY TO DRIVE PEOPLE NUTS.

[banging on door]

OH, THEY'RE HERE, THEY'RE HERE.

[Chris chuckling]

MAYBE THEY'LL SMOKE CIGARS. WOULDN'T THAT BE A BONUS?

COME IN, CONSTRUCTION WORKERS. OH, DO COME IN.

(Chris) THEY WERE MORE MAGNIFICENT THAN I HAD IMAGINED.

I HAD READ EVERY BOOK AND SEEN EVERY PLAY AND MOVIE

ABOUT CONSTRUCTION WORKERS.

YET NOTHING PREPARED ME FOR THE INCREDIBLE SURGE

OF JOY AND AWE I FELT

WHEN THESE GLORIOUS, MYTHICAL CREATURES

WALKED THROUGH THAT DOOR.

THE GODS HAD DESCENDED FROM HEAVEN

AND WERE NOW STANDING IN MY PARENTS' KITCHEN.

�[Stand by R.E.M playing]

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU ARE �

� SO STAND

(Chris) ITS BEEN SAID

THAT ALL GOOD RELATIONSHIPS START WITH QUIET OBSERVATION.

ACTUALLY, I MADE THAT UP, JUST NOW.

DOES IT SOUND STUPID?

ANYWAY, MY INITIAL STRATEGY WAS SIMPLE,

SILENTLY STARE AT THEM

FOR HOURS ON END UNTIL I'M EVENTUALLY NOTICED

AND INVITED INTO A CONVERSATION.

THIS EXACT SAME STRATEGY ONCE WORKED FOR ME

WITH AN APE AT THE LOCAL ZOO.

SO MY HOPES WERE HIGH.

I SOON CAME TO THE REALIZATION

THAT IT MIGHT BE NECESSARY TO CHANGE MY STRATEGY.

IT WAS TIME FOR THE HEAVY ARTILLERY.

YOU GUESSED IT, QUESTIONS.

WHEN WERE SINKS INVENTED?

[grunting]

HOW MUCH ARE TRUCKS?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?

(Chris) NOTHING SEEMED TO WORK.

I KNEW THINGS WERE DESPERATE

WHEN EVEN MR. POPPIE COULDN'T WIN THEM OVER.

[Chris clears throat]

TELL US A JOKE, MR. POPPIE.

SURE THING, CHRISSY.

HOW DO PORCUPINES HAVE SEX?

JEEZ, I DON'T KNOW, MR. POPPIE.

HOW DO PORCUPINES HAVE SEX?

CAREFULLY, VERY CAREFULLY.

(Chris) THIS WAS NOT A GOOD SIGN.

I KNEW NOW THAT SOMETHING DRASTIC HAD TO BE DONE.

IF I WERE TO TRULY BECOME ONE OF THEM,

I KNEW I WOULD FIRST HAVE TO LOOK LIKE THEM,

AND EVENTUALLY, GOD WILLING, SMELL LIKE THEM.

[metallic clanking]

IN MY HEART, I KNEW THIS WAS FINALLY IT.

THE CLOTHES WERE RIGHT.

THE ECLAIRS AND BEER HAD PUT ON A FEW EXTRA POUNDS.

I WAS IN PEAK FORM.

THEY WOULD NOW EMBRACE ME AS ONE OF THEIR OWN.

[burping]

HI, BOYS.

WHAT'S WITH THE COSTUME, SLUSH HEAD?

YOU GOT A DATE WITH DINTY MOORE?

[all laughing]

(Chris) TO THIS DAY, I STILL DON'T GET THAT JOKE.

OBVIOUSLY, THEY FOUND IT QUITE FUNNY, THOUGH.

[men continue laughing]

DINTY MOORE!

[men laughing] ALL I KNOW IS

AT THAT VERY MOMENT, I FELT ALL WAS LOST.

I WOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED INTO THE GRAND, MYSTERIOUS,

WONDROUS WORLD OF GUYS WHO USE TOOLS.

[mocking]

BUT I WRONG.

ALL THAT WAS ABOUT TO CHANGE.

THANKS TO MY TENDENCY TO GET SLEEPY EVERY SO OFTEN.

AND SLEEPY I WAS, AFTER DOING THE TWIST

FOR 3 SOLID HOURS FOR AN UNRECEPTIVE AUDIENCE.

IF THERE'S ONE THING MY DEAR MOTHER TAUGHT ME,

IT'S TO ALWAYS LAY DOWN AND GO TO SLEEP

WHENEVER YOU ARE TIRED,

NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE.

AND EXCEPT FOR MY ARREST AT THE BUS STATION LAST YEAR,

I FOUND THIS TO BE PRETTY SOUND ADVICE.

LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT AN EVENT WAS ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE,

THAT WOULD FOREVER CHANGE MY LIFE.

AND THAT BLESSED EVENT

CAN BE SUMMED UP IN 4 SWEET, SIMPLE WORDS,

DICK FELL ON ME.

[metallic rattling]

[thudding]

[groaning]

JEEZ.

I COULD HAVE BROKE MY NECK.

[groaning]

LUCKY FOR ME YOU'RE SUCH A FAT-ASS.

[groaning]

OH.

OH, YOU KNOW SOMETHING, KID?

[groaning]

YOU'RE OK.

[men laughing]

(Chris) JUST LIKE THAT IT HAPPENED.

I HAD BEEN ACCEPTED. I WAS NOW ONE OF THE ELITE.

ABOUT TO LEARN ALL THE RULE AND RITUALS

OF A SECRET SOCIETY THAT DATES BACK TO THE INCAS.

WITHOUT TRYING TO SOUND OVERLY DRAMATIC OR CLICHED,

JUST LET ME SAY I WAS HAPPY AS A PORPUS.

THE FIRST THING MY HEROES TAUGHT ME

WAS AN IMPORTANT AND ESSENTIAL LESSON.

HOW TO ACT CRUDE AND OBNOXIOUS TO THE VARIOUS WOMEN

WHO PASSED THROUGH MY YARD FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

SHAKE IT, HONEY.

DO THE WILD THING, MAMA!

[yelling]

[laughing]

YEAH, WORK THAT THING, SISTER!

[men exclaim]

THAT'S RIGHT YOU GOT IT.

HONEY, IF YOU'RE SELLIN', I'M BUYIN'.

(Chris) OH, EAT THAT CHEESE, LADY.

UH-HUH, PLUCK THAT BANJO.

YES, YOU HAVE VERY NICE LOOKING SHOES, MISS.

[mumbling]

[grunts]

� DOWN IN THE VALLEY

(all) � VALLEY SO LOW

(Chris) AT NIGHT WE'D SIT AROUND THE CAMPFIRE

AND REFLECT ON THE DAY'S EVENTS AND LIFE IN GENERAL.

INVARIABLY, THE CONVERSATION WOULD DRIFT TO THE ONE TOPIC

THAT'S NEVER FAR FROM A CONSTRUCTION WORKER'S MIND.

TOOL BELT FIGHTS.

HEY, GUYS,

TELL ME ABOUT THE TOOL BELT FIGHTS AGAIN.

OH, WHAT DO YOU WANNA KNOW, LITTLE PARTNER?

WELL, EVERYTHING.

LIKE... LIKE WHEN DID THEY FIRST BEGIN?

WELL, NOBODY KNOWS WHEN IT ALL FIRST BEGAN.

LEGEND HAS IT THAT THE FIRST TOOL BELT FIGHT

TOOK PLACE BETWEEN A COUPLE OF FELLAS

WORKING ON THE GREAT PYRAMIDS.

SEEMS THEY GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT OVER A SANDWICH

AND SUDDENLY THE TOOLS WAS FLYIN' EVERYWHERE.

[crickets chirping]

HAMMERS, SCREWDRIVERS, POWER DRILLS, YOU NAME IT.

IN THOSE DAYS, OF COURSE,

IT WAS ALWAYS A FIGHT TO THE DEATH.

(Chris) MY HEAD WAS SWIMMING WITH FASCINATING STORIES

OF LATE TRAILER PAYMENTS, ONE-EYED-PROSTITUTES,

AND, OF COURSE, THE FABLED TOOL BELT FIGHTS.

IT WAS ALMOST TOO MUCH FOR MY YOUNG, THIRSTY BRAIN TO COMPREHEND.

[chuckling] LOOK HERE, FELLAS.

AIN'T THAT ABOUT THE CUTEST THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN?

OUR LITTLE OUTLAW HAS GONE OFF TO FAIRYLAND.

MUST HAVE BEEN ALL THAT BOURBON I GAVE HIM.

LET'S GET HIM OFF TO BED.

[crickets chirping]

[moaning]

[chuckling]

(Chris) THESE WERE THE HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

I HAD FINALLY BECOME ONE OF THEM.

HERE WE GO.

I THINK I WAS EVEN STARTING TO STINK A LITTLE.

AND JUST WHEN I THOUGHT

THINGS COULDN'T GET ANY BETTER,

THE ULTIMATE HAPPENED.

I WAS SPEECHLESS.

THE GUYS WERE PRESENTING ME WITH MY VERY OWN TOOL BELT,

A REAL TOOL BELT.

IF I WASN'T SO AFRAID OF PAIN,

I SURELY WOULD HAVE PINCHED MYSELF.

[sniffing]

IT WAS THE SINGLE GREATEST HONOR EVER BESTOWED ON ME

AND I QUICKLY PURGED ANY THOUGHTS OF REFUSING IT,

DUE TO THE CONSTRUCTION INDUSTRY'S POOR TREATMENT

OF THE AMERICAN INDIAN.

MY LIFE WAS NOW CONSUMED

WITH LIVING UP TO THE HIGH STANDARDS OF EXCELLENCE

THAT WENT ALONG WITH THAT TOOL BELT.

OF COURSE, IT WASN'T ALL WORK.

WE ALWAYS FOUND TIME TO SOCIALIZE, EAT CHILI, AND DRINK BEER.

AT THOSE B.S. SESSIONS, AS DICK CALLED THEM,

THE GUYS WERE ALWAYS FOND OF PHILOSOPHICAL CONVERSATION.

DO YOU ALL THINK WE'VE PEAKED AS A CIVILIZATION?

HAS MATERIALISM RUINED OUR SOCIETY?

EVER SEEN YOUR MOM IN THE BATHTUB?

(Chris) IT WAS A WONDERFUL TIME.

I FELT HAPPIER AND MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE PRESIDENT OF EUROPE.

UNKNOWN TO ME, HOWEVER,

THINGS WERE ABOUT TO TAKE AN UGLY TURN.

MORNING, FELLAS.

HEY, COME ON OVER HERE, BUTCH.

I GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU.

[Dick laughing]

[metallic rattling]

YOU, UH,

YOU WANT IN ON A LITTLE SECRET?

YOU SEE THIS PIPE?

WE GET IT OUT OF KOREA FOR 9 CENTS A FOOT.

GOT MORE PLASTIC IN IT THAN A SHOWGIRL'S BUTT.

[all laughing]

MMM, I DO SO LOVE JOKES PERTAINING TO LAS VEGAS.

HEY, WELL, HERE'S THE REAL JOKE.

WE'RE CHARGING YOUR OLD MAN FOR COPPER PIPE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT GOES FOR?

$90 A FOOT.

AIN'T THAT PRECIOUS?

WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOUR OLD MAN A BILL

THAT'LL KNOCK HIM RIGHT OUT OF HIS SHORTS.

[all laughing]

WAIT A SECOND. HUH?

ISN'T THAT DISHONEST?

HOLD ON A MINUTE THERE, SPORT.

YOU, UH,

YOU AIN'T GETTIN' SOFT ON US NOW, ARE YOU?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE ONE OF US.

MAYBE WE OUGHT TO TAKE AWAY HIS TOOL BELT.

MAYBE HE DON'T GOT THE STOMACH FOR IT, AFTER ALL.

[chuckling] NO. NOW COME ON FELLAS.

LET'S... LET'S NOT GO OVERBOARD HERE.

I SIMPLY RAISED A QUESTION

AND I... I REGRETTED IT AS SOON AS I SAID IT, OK?

SO, COME ON, LET'S FORGET ABOUT IT.

COME ON. IT'S JUST WATER UNDER THE TUNNEL.

NOW WHAT DO... WHAT DO YOU SAY

WE SLICE UP A... A SALAMI AND... AND TURN ON OPRAH?

(Chris) DESPITE WHAT I LED THE GUYS TO BELIEVE,

I WAS NOW HORRIBLY TROUBLED.

MY ENTIRE WORLD HAD COLLAPSED.

I FELT DEPRESSED AND SUICIDAL.

AND MORE IMPORTANTLY,

A LITTLE THIRSTY.

I LEARNED A LONG TIME AGO,

WHEN I'M REALLY, REALLY DESPERATE FOR ADVICE,

AND I CAN'T FIND ANYONE ELSE TO TALK TO,

NOT EVEN A COMPLETE STRANGER,

MY PARENTS ARE BETTER THAN NOTHING.

HEY, MOM, DAD.

I HAVE A PROBLEM.

AND AS ALWAYS YOU'RE MY FIRST AND ONLY CHOICE FOR ADVICE.

LUCKY US.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, SWEETHEART?

IS THAT DRIFTER WHO LIVES BEHIND THE GAS STATION

STILL THREATENING TO KILL YOU?

NO, HE GOT HIT BY A CAR LAST WEEK.

NO, MY PROBLEM'S A LITTLE MORE COMPLICATED.

LET ME GIVE YOU A HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION HERE.

SUPPOSE YOUR FRIEND IS A RHINOCEROS

AND HE'S HAWKING REALLY EXPENSIVE SUGAR CUBES ON THE MOON.

[clears throat]

ONLY YOU FIND OUT THAT THESE SUGAR CUBES

AREN'T REALLY MADE OUT OF SUGAR AT ALL.

BUT THEY'RE MADE OUT OF A CHEAP COMBINATION

OF SAND AND GARLIC FROM KOREA.

OH, BOY, HOLD... HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

ARE YOU SAYING THESE MORON CONSTRUCTION WORKERS

ARE TRYING TO RIP ME OFF?

NO, DAD. OH, JEEZ.

YOU'RE ALWAYS TRYIN' TO READ SOME SORT OF SECRET MEANING IN EVERYTHING I SAY.

I GOT NO TIME FOR THIS, BOY. DO YOU NEED ADVICE?

GO BUG A PRIEST.

MAKE HIM WORK FOR HIS $60,000 A YEAR.

HEY, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

GOOD.

NOW BLOW.

OH, SURE.

(Chris) AFTER WALKING AIMLESSLY FOR THE BETTER PART OF THE DAY,

I WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH

TO STUMBLE UPON A CHURCH JUST 19 MILES FROM MY HOUSE.

OK, WELL, HERE'S MY PROBLEM.

FOR NOW, LET'S JUST SAY THAT MY BEST FRIENDS ARE RHINOCEROSES,

AND THEY'RE HAWKING REALLY EXPENSIVE SUGAR CUBES ON THE MOON.

LET ME GUESS,

SOME CONSTRUCTION WORKERS ARE TRYING TO SWINDLE YOUR FATHER?

EXACTLY.

THESE GUYS ARE MY FRIENDS, YOUR HONOR.

AND THEY'VE ACCEPTED ME INTO THEIR WONDERFUL, CRUDE,

STENCH-RIDDEN SUB-CULTURE.

AND THAT'S, WELL, SOMETHING I'VE DREAMT ABOUT ALL MY LIFE.

I CAN'T JUST THROW THAT AWAY.

AS I SEE IT, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE

BUT TO CONFRONT THEM AND VOICE YOUR CONCERN ABOUT THEIR DISHONESTY.

HMM. BUT,

THEN I'LL LOSE THEIR FRIENDSHIP FOREVER.

I'LL BE AN OUTCAST.

THEN,

THEY WEREN'T YOUR FRIENDS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

OH, NICE LINE, MOM.

(Chris) IF THERE'S ONE THING I HATE, IT'S A CONFRONTATION.

AND THIS ONE WOULD NO DOUBT BE EVEN UGLIER

THAN THE TIME I CURSED OUT THE MAILMAN

FOR STARING AT ME WHEN I WAS SUNBATHING.

[clears throat] UH,

EXCUSE ME, UH, FELLAS, UH,

COULD I HAVE YOUR EAR FOR A SECOND?

HEY, WHAT'S UP, KATO?

WELL, I... I WAS, UH...

HEY, HAVE YOU GUYS EVER SEEN ME DO A SUMMERSAULT?

I CAN DO ONE, YOU KNOW. HERE, WATCH.

HERE I GO.

[mumbling]

YOU GOT SOMETHING ON YOUR MIND, BOY?

[object thudding]

YOU'RE ACTING A LITTLE GOOFY.

[sighing]

WELL, UH,

[clears throat]

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

RICHARD, I DO HAVE SOMETHING ON MY MIND

AND FOR ONCE IT'S... IT'S NOT WOMEN COMPLETELY NAKED EXCEPT FOR COWBOY BOOTS.

I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED WITH ALL OF YOU.

YOU GUYS DID A VERY BAD THING

BY PUTTING IN THOSE CHEAP PIPES.

AND, WELL, EVEN THOUGH

IT... IT'LL PROBABLY MEAN THAT I... I CAN'T BE ONE OF YOU,

AND... AND IT MIGHT HURT OUR FRIENDSHIP,

I'M GONNA TELL MY DAD.

YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG. TONTO.

IT DON'T MEAN YOU CAN'T BE ONE OF US.

I-I-IT DOESN'T?

NO.

IT MEANS WE'RE GONNA BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU.

A-A-A-ALL RIGHT, N-N-NOW, HOLD ON, DICK.

I... I... I THINK YOU'RE... YOU'RE...

YOU'RE GOING A LITTLE OVERBOARD HERE.

YOU'RE TALKING WITH YOUR HEART INSTEAD OF YOUR HEAD.

[crashing]

I MEAN YOUR... YOUR... YOUR HEAD INSTEAD OF YOUR HEART.

I MEAN YOUR FOOT INSTEAD OF YOUR ESOPHAGUS.

GIVE ME... GIVE ME 2 GOOD REASONS WHY THIS SITUATION HERE

NEEDS TO ESCALATE INTO... INTO VIOLENCE?

ONE, YOU GOT US IN A VERY BAD MOOD.

AND TWO, WE'VE BEEN DRINKIN' SINCE 5:00 THIS MORNING.

(Chris) UNLIKE THE THREE STOOGES,

I DIDN'T HEAR A CUTE LITTLE CLANK SOUND.

AND IT HURT LIKE HELL.

I NOW KNEW WHAT WAS ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE IN MY PARENT'S KITCHEN,

THE LEGENDARY, DEADLY, TOOL BELT FIGHT.

[both yell]

[metallic clattering]

2 DOWN, 1 TO GO.

(Chris) THE MOMENT OF TRUTH HAD ARRIVED.

I WAS ABOUT TO GO TOE-TO-TOE WITH THE EVER POWERFUL,

EVER CRAFTY, DREADED FOREMAN.

[exclaiming]

UH-HUH, UH-HUH.

OK, DICKY, COME TO PAPA.

DADDY'S GOT A BIG KISS FOR YOU.

[grunts]

[grunting]

[panting]

[groaning]

[exclaiming]

[panting]

[grunting]

[yelling]

[both grunting]

(Chris) I WAS LIKE A DIFFERENT PERSON.

I HAD MORE STAMINA THAN I EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.

CERTAINLY MORE THAN I HAD ON MY LAST DATE.

[both grunting]

[wrench clatters]

[Dick laughing]

[clatters]

OK? HUH?

[Dick laughing]

[exclaims]

(Chris) IF THERE'S ONE THING

THAT CAN QUICKLY END A TOOL BELT FIGHT, IT'S A STAPLE GUN.

ONE LITTLE SQUEEZE OF THE TRIGGER

CAN INFLICT MORE PAIN ON A FAT GUT

THAN A DOZEN BALL PEIN HAMMERS.

GOODNIGHT, IRENE.

DO ME A LITTLE FAVOR, HUH?

WHEN YOU MEET THE DEVIL,

GIVE HIM A LITTLE PECK ON THE CHEEK FROM ME.

ALL RIGHT, HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, DICK.

THIS IS THE LAST BEER IN THE REFRIGERATOR

AND I'M PREPARED TO SPILL IT.

NO. YEAH.

NOW... NOW PUT THAT STAPLE GUN DOWN

OR... OR ELSE I'LL DUMP THIS BEER ALL OVER THE LINOLEUM.

EASY, KID! TAKE IT EASY.

DON'T... DON'T DO NOTHING STUPID.

[Dick grunts]

[exclaiming]

YOU THINK I'M PLAYING AROUND?

[gasping]

I'M NUTS, MAN.

NOW, PUT IT DOWN.

[Dick grunting]

[staple gun clatters]

[sobbing]

[chuckling]

FINI.

[chuckles]

[groaning]

(Ray) HE DID IT.

THE KID WON THE TOOL BELT FIGHT!

NOW, THERE'S STILL A LITTLE MATTER TO DISCUSS

REGARDING PLASTIC PIPES

AND HOW MUCH YOU'RE CHARGING MY DADDY.

SINCE...

SINCE YOU DID WIN THE TOOL BELT FIGHT,

[clears throat] AND NOW...

NOW, YOU ARE A KING OF SORTS,

WERE GONNA KNOCK $20 OFF YOUR DAD'S BILL.

[Chris sighing]

UH, OK.

$22.

[Dick groaning]

JEEZ.

$22.50, HUH?

(Dick) COME ON.

BUENO.

[Dick sighing]

[exclaiming]

(Chris) IT WAS A MORAL TRIUMPH.

I'D RISEN ABOVE THOSE I ONCE IDOLIZED

AND MANAGED TO SAVE MY DAD $22.50 TO BOOT.

THAT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE MUCH TO THE AVERAGE PERSON,

BUT TO A GUY WHO JUST GOT HIT ON THE HEAD WITH A LEAD PIPE,

IT SOUNDED PRETTY DAMN GOOD.

(all) � AMAZING GRACE

THAT NIGHT WE SAT UNDER THE STARS FOR THE LAST TIME.

THE NEXT DAY THEY WOULD BE FINISHED WITH THEIR WORK

AND QUIETLY DISAPPEAR FROM MY LIFE FOREVER.

IN TIME OUR WOUNDS WOULD HEAL.

BUT OUR HEARTS AND MINDS WOULD TRANSFORM

INTO SHALLOW TRAYS THAT CAUGHT

THE BITTERSWEET RAINWATER OF OUR SOULS.

(all) � BUT NOW I SEE

INCIDENTALLY, I'M NOW OFFERING A MILLION DOLLAR REWARD

TO ANYONE WHO CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL THAT MEANT.

�[all singing]

WELL, GOOD NIGHT, SWEET DIARY.

HOPEFULLY I'LL WRITE IN YOU AGAIN SOMETIME BEFORE I'M 80.

HAVE A BITCHIN' SUMMER. YOUR PAL, CHRIS.

� WE'VE NO LESS DAYS

� TO SING GOD'S PRAISE

� AMAZING GRACE

� HOW SWEET THE SOUND

� THAT SAVED A WRETCH

� LIKE ME

� I ONCE WAS LOST

� BUT NOW I'M FOUND

� I WAS BLIND BUT NOW I SEE

� WHEN WE'VE BEEN THERE

� 10,000 YEARS