Original subtitles

YEAH, YEAH. NICE TRY, ED.

THAT'S HOT STUFF.

HI, AND WELCOME BACK TO SANDY'S LAUGH AND SONG JACKPOT.

I'M YOUR HOST, SANDY CONNORS.

[audience applauding] THANK YOU.

AND COMING UP IN THE NEXT HALF HOUR,

WE'VE GOT MR. JAMES BROLIN WITH US.

ALSO, AL "GRANDPA" LEWIS IS HERE AGAIN

AND ERIC ESTRADA IS GONNA STOP BY

AND GIVE US A LITTLE KARATE DEMONSTRATION.

BUT BEFORE WE GET TO ALL THAT,

SOMETHING VERY, VERY EXCITING IS ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE.

IN A FEW SECONDS,

I WILL BE CHOOSING THE WINNER

TO OUR "WIN A WEEKEND WITH SANDY" CONTEST. OK?

GIRLS, COME ON OUT.

NICE DRESS.

I THINK IT TOOK MORE FABRIC TO MAKE ONE OF MY HANKIES HERE.

[chuckling]

CHRIS, DON'T SIT SO CLOSE TO THE TELEVISION.

YOU'LL RUIN YOUR EYES.

SITTING CLOSE TO THE T.V. DOESN'T RUIN YOUR EYES, GLADYS,

IT CAUSES STERILITY.

OH, THAT'S A RELIEF.

[shushing]

SANDY IS JUST ABOUT TO ANNOUNCE THE WINNER

OF THE "WIN A WEEKEND WITH SANDY CONNORS" CONTEST,

AND MY NAME'S SOMEWHERE IN THAT BARREL.

"WIN A WEEKEND WITH SANDY CONNORS," ARE YOU NUTS?

ONLY A SIMP WOULD WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH THAT GUY.

DAD, SANDY CONNORS IS MY IDOL.

HE IS ONE OF THE GREATEST ENTERTAINERS OF THE 20TH CENTURY.

HE'S UP THERE WITH LAURENCE OLIVIER AND IRVING BERLIN

AND THE GUY WHO PLAYED ED ON GREEN ACRES.

THE WINNER,

�[drum roll]

MR. CHRIS PETERSON.

[exclaiming]

SLAM DUNK. YES! IN HIS FACE.

OOH!

[laughs]

(Sandy) OH, I FORGOT TO TURN THE DRUM.

OH, SORRY, MR. PETERSON, I FORGOT TO ROLL THE DRUM OVER HERE,

SO I GUESS YOU'RE DISQUALIFIED.

THERE'S ANOTHER LAWSUIT, HUH?

HONEY, I'M SORRY.

YEAH, I'M REALLY DISAPPOINTED.

OK.

PHEW, THAT'S THE MOST EXERCISE I'VE HAD

SINCE MY PET MONKEY ATE A POUND OF COFFEE

AND CHASED ME DOWN THE BLOCK WITH A STEAK KNIFE.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT COMES FROM. IT'S JUST A GIFT.

AHEM, OK.

ALL RIGHT. THE WINNER IS

�[drum roll]

MR. CHRIS PETERSON.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, I'M A MORON?

I SENT IN 3000 POSTCARDS.

UH, MR. PETERSON, UNLESS MY LAWYERS CAN FIGURE OUT

SOME WAY OF GETTING ME OUT OF THIS HORRIBLE ORDEAL,

I WILL BE AT YOUR HOME THIS WEEKEND,

MEETING YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR FRIENDS.

LORD, I AM STARTING TO FEEL ILL.

�[Stand by R.E.M playing]

[bicycle bell ringing]

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU ARE �

� SO STAND

CHRIS, WOULD YOU PLEASE SIT DOWN?

YOU'RE MAKING ME NERVOUS.

SIT DOWN? DAD, I CAN'T SIT DOWN AT A TIME LIKE THIS.

SANDY'S GONNA BE HERE ANY SECOND.

[mumbling]

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, YOU'RE NOT GONNA KISS THE GUY, ARE YOU?

THIS IS MORE EXCITING THAN THE DAY

WE WAITED FOR SEARS TO DELIVER OUR NEW TRASH COMPACTOR.

YEAH, BUT WHY DO WE HAVE TO WAIT UP HERE?

THERE'S A BOWL OF FRESH NUTS IN THE LIVING ROOM.

EXCUSE ME, DAD.

I'M SORRY, BUT THE LIVING ROOM'S JUST A LITTLE TOO UNHIP FOR SANDY.

COME ON, MY PLACE IS MORE HAPPENING.

IT'S MORE... MORE NOW, MORE WITH IT.

OH, YEAH, MAN, I REALLY FEEL THE BEAT IN HERE.

[knocking on door]

HE'S HERE? HE'S HERE.

[knocking on door]

[murmuring]

SANDY.

OK, THAT OUGHT TO DO IT. NICE SEEING YOU, SIR.

NO, NO. WAIT, SANDY, IT'S ME,

CHRIS PETERSON, THE CONTEST WINNER.

YEAH, I HAD THAT HORRIBLE FEELING.

NICE OUTFIT. UH, MANAGE A TIRE STORE?

[chuckling]

WE'RE ALWAYS ON, AREN'T WE?

BOY, SANDY CONNORS IN MY HOME.

WELL, I THINK THE WORD "HOME" IS BEING A LITTLE GENEROUS HERE,

DON'T YOU?

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

THAT, SANDY, IS THE THRONE

I'VE BEEN MAKING ALL WEEK FOR YOU.

ISN'T IT FANCIFUL?

UH, WELL, UM, SANDY, COME RIGHT OVER HERE.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY PARENTS.

UH, THIS IS MY MOTHER, GLADYS.

IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

PERSONALLY, I'VE NEVER FOUND YOU VERY FUNNY,

BUT I THINK YOU HAVE A VERY NICE SPEAKING VOICE.

WELL, THANK YOU, MA'AM.

I APPRECIATE THE SUPPORT.

AND THIS IS MY FATHER, FRED PETERSON.

YEAH. FRED.

YOU KNOW, ON TELEVISION YOU LOOK A LOT YOUNGER.

HOW OLD ARE YOU ANYWAY, ABOUT 60?

I'M 42.

[scoffs]

AND I'M BUZZ ALDRIN.

WELL... WELL, ANYWAY, I WAS JUST DROPPING BY TO SAY HELLO.

YOU KNOW, ON MY WAY TO THE MARRIOTT,

AND I FIGURED MAYBE TOMORROW YOU GUYS COULD COME BY,

AND WE'LL TAKE A LITTLE PICTURE OUT THERE BY THE LOBBY.

OK, THEN, I'LL BE ON MY WAY. IT'S BEEN A REAL PLEASURE.

UM, I'M SORRY, SANDY,

I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT LAST PART.

WAS THAT ONE OF YOUR JOKES?

WELL, YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D BE STAYING HERE NOW, DID YOU?

I MEAN THAT REALLY WOULD BE A LITTLE BIT SILLY, DON'T YOU THINK?

I MEAN NOT TO MENTION UNPLEASANT AND HORRIFYING.

OH, SANDY.

OH, DEAR, SWEET, INNOCENT, NAIVE SANDY.

[laughs]

SANDY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

THIS IS A COPY OF THE OFFICIAL RULES

TO THE "WIN A WEEKEND WITH SANDY" CONTEST.

NOW, SANDY, IT CLEARY STATES HERE

THAT YOU ARE REQUIRED TO SPEND 48 HOURS WITH ME.

NOW, IF YOU'RE GONNA CHALLENGE ME,

I'LL RUN RIGHT OVER TO THE MALL AND GET MYSELF A LAWYER.

NO, CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS.

YOU KNOW, I GUESS IF GUYS CAN SPEND THEIR ENTIRE LIFE IN ATTICA,

I CAN PUT UP WITH 2 DAYS OF THIS.

I HOPE I HAVEN'T MADE A HORRIBLE MISTAKE HERE.

ARE YOU ALLOWED TO EAT HAM, SANDY?

OH, YES, MA'AM, I CAN EAT HAM.

REALLY?

FOR SOME REASON WE THOUGHT YOU WERE JEWISH.

YOU ARE FROM NEW YORK.

NO, I'M FROM ST. LOUIS.

HAVEN'T YOU PEOPLE DONE YOUR HOMEWORK?

I'M NOT JEWISH, OK?

I THINK WE HIT A SORE SPOT.

LOOK, CAN WE JUST EAT? I'M STARVING.

THE LAST THING I HAD WAS A HOT DOG AT THE AIRPORT.

WE THOUGHT WE'D HAVE YOU SAY GRACE TONIGHT, SANDY.

IT'S AN HONOR WE ONLY BESTOW ON SPECIAL GUESTS.

OH, GEEZ.

(all) OH, GEEZ.

UH, LOOK, WHY DON'T WE ALL JUST MEDITATE SILENTLY TO OURSELVES?

I HAD A FEELING HE'D CRAP OUT ON THE PRAYER.

SHH!

WHAT DID YOU WISH FOR, SANDY?

OH, DON'T TELL ME, IT WON'T COME TRUE.

IT'S A PRAYER, YOU MORON, NOT A BIRTHDAY CAKE.

SETTLE DOWN, YOU TWO.

SO, YOU'RE AN ENTERTAINER.

ENTERTAIN US.

(Gladys) OH, YES.

SING US A SONG OR DO A MAGIC TRICK.

MA, DAD, COME ON!

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, HE'S NOT A PERFORMING SEAL.

LET THE MAN EAT HIS DINNER IN PEACE. GEEZ.

SANDY, DO YOU FEEL LIKE MAYBE DOING A LITTLE BREAKDANCING FOR US?

IS THERE A GUN RACK AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE?

[chuckling]

DID YOU HEAR THAT, MA?

THAT WAS ONE. HE'S STARTING TO TELL JOKES.

I DIDN'T GET IT.

OK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

UH, IF YOU FOLKS WILL LET ME OUT OF HERE,

I WILL BUY YOU

ONE OF THOSE BIG PROJECTION T.V.s.

IT'S LIKE A LITTLE GAME OF CHESS, ISN'T IT, SANDY?

THE ONLY PROBLEM IS

I OWN BOARDWALK, AND YOU KEEP LANDING ON IT.

OH, GEEZ.

ARE WE PRAYING AGAIN?

WELL, THANK YOU FOR THE LOVELY DINNER.

BUT, UH, BEEN KIND OF A LONG DAY FOR ME.

I THINK MAYBE IF YOU'LL POINT ME TOWARDS THE GUEST ROOM,

I'LL JUST CALL IT A NIGHT.

GUEST ROOM?

YOU CAN'T STAY IN THE GUEST ROOM.

I KNOW WHAT YOU SHOW-BUSINESS PEOPLE ARE LIKE.

YOU'D JUST TRASH THE PLACE.

BESIDES, WE JUST SET OFF A TICK BOMB IN THERE.

YEAH, THE CAT'S LOADED WITH THEM.

SO, YOU BETTER CHECK YOURSELF IN THE SHOWER.

BEAUTIFUL. SO WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP?

HI, SANDY!

� TWINKLE, TWINKLE, CHRISSIE'S BED �

� A PLACE TO LAY MY WEARY HEAD �

CHRIS, CHRIS. CHRIS! I'M EXHAUSTED.

SO WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP?

THERE IS NOT A CHANCE IN HELL.

OK, FINE, SANDY. IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT, FINE.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA,

WHY DON'T YOU SLEEP ON THE SOFA?

BUT I WARN YOU, IT'S LOADED WITH CHIGGERS.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS JUST BUY SOME SCREEN DOORS OR SOMETHING?

YOU KNOW, THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY,

BUT NOT ALL OF US MAKE $90 MILLION A WEEK.

COME ON, SANDY. COME ON.

LET'S JUST MAKE THE BEST OF IT.

MORNING WILL BE HERE BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.

SANDY, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

NO.

DO YOU THINK THE AMERICAN DENTAL ASSOCIATION

HAS A CURE FOR TOOTH DECAY,

BUT IT'S JUST KEEPING IT A SECRET?

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT,

THEY'D LOSE MILLIONS, WOULDN'T THEY?

CHRIS, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO IN THE BATHROOM

AND HAVE A COUPLE SWIGS OF NYQUIL, HUH?

YOU KNOW, IT'S... IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THE BATHROOM

BECAUSE, UM, THAT'S SOMETHING I'LL BE DOING AN AWFUL LOT OF TONIGHT.

I HAVE A BLADDER LIKE A WOMAN.

LOVELY.

GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

[coughing]

WHAT? WHAT?

[objects rattling]

MIDNIGHT SNACK, SANDY?

NO. NO.

OK, WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND,

THERE'S A COUPLE OF PICKLES WRAPPED IN A NAPKIN IN MY SOCK DRAWER,

SO HELP YOURSELF.

CHRIS, YOU'RE DRIVING ME NUTS.

I MEAN, DON'T YOU EVER SLEEP?

YOU'RE LIKE THIS SCHIZY LITTLE CHIHUAHUA WHO'S JUST WHINING TO GO OUT.

GEEZ, I'M SORRY. BOY.

SOME PAJAMA PARTY THIS TURNED OUT TO BE.

LOOK, IT'S NOT A PAJAMA PARTY, YOU DORK!

IT'S 2:00 IN THE MORNING AND I'M...

MY HEAD IS THROBBING, AND I'M STARTING TO FEEL RASHY.

SANDY?

WHAT?

WANT TO SEE MY APPENDIX SCAR?

SO, UM, I TAKE IT YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE DROWSY.

GOOD NIGHT.

[alarm ringing]

[mumbling]

OH.

[grunting]

OH, GOOD MORNING, SANDY.

[laughing]

AH, DID WE SLEEP WELL LAST NIGHT?

MAYBE IT WAS MY IMAGINATION,

BUT I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU CURSING AT ONE POINT.

GO TO HELL.

WE'RE NOT A MORNING PERSON, ARE WE?

I TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED, SANDY,

YOU NEED A LITTLE SUNLIGHT IN HERE, THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED.

HERE WE GO, UPSY-DAISY, OH!

THERE WE ARE, WHOO!

� SKYROCKETS IN FLIGHT

� AFTERNOON DELIGHT

GOOD MORNING.

(Chris) OH, GEEZ, WE GOT TO GET GOING!

WE'VE GOT A BUSY DAY AHEAD OF US, COME ON.

FIRST WE'RE GOING TO HAVE MY BIG SUNDAY BREAKFAST,

[water running] LOADS AND LOADS OF BACON AND LOTS OF SPRITE.

AND THEN I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU OUTSIDE

AND PARADE YOU UP AND DOWN THE STREET

AND SHOW YOU TO ALL MY FRIENDS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,

AND THEN I'M GONNA...

HEY, SANDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR SHOES?

I'M PUTTING THEM ON BECAUSE I'M LEAVING.

I'M GETTING THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

I HATE YOU, I HATE YOUR FAMILY,

I HATE THIS LITTLE LAWNMOWER SHED YOU LIVE IN.

ALL RIGHT, SANDY,

AS I SEE IT, I HAVE 2 OPTIONS IN FRONT OF ME RIGHT NOW.

ONE, I COULD CRY.

OH, AND BELIEVE ME I COULD DO THAT VERY EASILY.

OR 2, I COULD REMEMBER THAT IT'S HOLLYWOOD

THAT'S MADE YOU A SHALLOW, CYNICAL HUMAN BEING INSIDE.

SANDY, I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU OUT TODAY

AND SHOW YOU A WORLD THAT'S FULL OF LIFE,

HOPE AND... AND LAUGHTER.

OH, PLEASE DON'T.

�[Afternoon Delight by The Starland Vocal Band playing]

� THINKING OF YOU IS WORKING UP MY APPETITE �

� LOOKING FORWARD TO A LITTLE AFTERNOON DELIGHT �

� RUBBING STICKS AND STONES TOGETHER MAKES THE SPARKS IGNITE �

� AND THE THOUGHT OF RUBBING YOU IS GETTING SO EXCITING �

� SKY ROCKETS IN FLIGHT

� AFTERNOON DELIGHT

� AFTERNOON DELIGHT

� STARTED OUT THIS MORNING FEELING SO POLITE �

� I ALWAYS THOUGH A FISH COULD NOT BE CAUGHT �

� WHO DIDN'T BITE

� BUT YOU'VE GOT SOME BAIT A-WAITING �

� AND I THINK I MIGHT LIKE NIBBLING �

� A LITTLE AFTERNOON DELIGHT

� BE WAITING FOR ME, BABY �

[tires screeching]

� WHEN I COME AROUND

� WE COULD MAKE A LOT OF LOVING �

� BEFORE THE SUN GOES DOWN �

� THINKING OF YOU IS WORKING UP MY APPETITE �

� LOOKING FORWARD TO A LITTLE AFTERNOON DELIGHT �

� RUBBING STICKS AND STONES TOGETHER �

� MAKES THE SPARKS IGNITE

� AND THE THOUGHT OF RUBBING YOU �

� IS GETTING SO EXCITING

� SKY ROCKETS IN FLIGHT

� AFTERNOON DELIGHT

� AFTERNOON DELIGHT

OH, BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY, OH.

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME

THAT I FELT THIS FREE AND HAPPY.

ALTHOUGH I'M GONNA BE HONEST WITH YOU NOW,

WHEN I FIRST SET FOOT IN THIS HOUSE,

AND I FIRST MET YOU AND YOUR PARENTS,

I SINCERELY THOUGHT I WAS IN HELL.

SURE, SURE.

BUT NOW, CHRIS, BOY, THANKS TO YOU,

MY WHOLE OUTLOOK HAS CHANGED

BECAUSE YOU KNOW,

WHO NEEDS SHOW BUSINESS ANYWAY?

WHO NEEDS THE MANSIONS,

WHO NEEDS THE LEATHER SOFAS AND THE LINCOLN CONTINENTALS?

NO. I'M ALL THROUGH WITH THAT.

BUT WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU SAYING, SANDY?

I'M MOVING IN WITH YOU, BUDDY,

AND I'M NEVER LEAVING. EVER.

GOOD MORNING, FOLKS, WHATCHA YOU DOING?

HAVING A LITTLE BREAKFAST?

NO, WE'RE SPOT WELDING PLUMBING FIXTURES.

[laughs]

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A REAL CHARACTER, MR. PETERSON.

IF I DIDN'T QUIT MY T.V. SHOW,

I'D HAVE YOU ON ONE OF MY WACKY OLD PEOPLE SEGMENTS.

INCIDENTALLY, YOU'RE ALL OUT OF LAUNDRY DETERGENT AGAIN,

SO I THREW IN A CAKE OF SAFEGUARD.

I HOPE THAT DOESN'T SCREW ANYTHING UP.

MRS. P.?

WOULD YOU GET ME A BEER OUT OF THE REFRIGERATOR?

YOU ALL DONE, SIR?

YEAH. GREAT.

EW. NOT A BIG FAN OF BLUEBERRY PANCAKES.

YOU KNOW, FOR FUTURE REFERENCE,

I JUST LIKE 'EM PLAIN, BUT, UH, NO HARD FEELINGS, HUH?

(Sandy) THERE HE IS!

THERE'S MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

HOW YOU DOING, PAL?

[snorts]

HEY, CHRIS? WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO TODAY, HUH?

YOU WANT TO BUILD A COUPLE GO-KARTS?

SANDY, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR CRAP LIKE THAT.

I WORK FOR A LIVING, OK?

YEAH, HEY, THAT REMINDS ME,

DID YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO TALK TO YOUR BOSS

ABOUT GETTING ME ONE OF THOSE LITTLE PAPER ROUTE DEALS? IT SOUNDS LIKE SO MUCH FUN.

YEAH, YEAH, I DID, SANDY,

AND, UH, UM, HE SAID THERE WEREN'T ANY OPENINGS RIGHT NOW.

REALLY? DID YOU TELL HIM I USED TO HAVE MY OWN T.V. SHOW?

[dog barks]

OH, THERE'S THAT BIG SLOBBERY DOG FROM NEXT DOOR.

I'M GOING TO GO WRESTLE WITH HIM FOR AWHILE.

[dog barking]

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

HE'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.

WELL, I WARNED YOU BUT, AS USUAL, YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME.

NEXT TIME, HONEY, TRY TO WIN A NICER CELEBRITY.

SOMEONE LIKE GARY COLLINS.

BELIEVE ME, I'VE LEARNED MY LESSON.

OH, BOY, SHOW BUSINESS PEOPLE ARE NOTHING BUT WORTHLESS LOSERS

WHO SHOULD BE ADMIRED ONLY FROM AFAR.

IF I COULD ONLY FIGURE OUT A WAY HOW TO GET RID OF SANDY.

WHY DON'T WE PLANT OUR CREDIT CARDS ON HIM

AND THEN CALL THE COPS?

THOSE PHONY TWO-FACED,

MIDDLE-AMERICAN AVERAGE JOE BASTARDS!

HEY, I KNOW, I COULD TAKE HIM TO THE ZOO AT MILLERSTOWN

AND THEN DUMP HIM THERE.

THAT'S ABOUT 100 MILES AWAY.

NO, HE'D JUST FIND HIS WAY BACK.

WE COULD ALWAYS KILL HIM.

ALL RIGHT, YOU WANT ME GONE? I'M GONE.

I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE TRIED TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH A BUNCH OF...

HILLBILLIES.

SANDY, SANDY, W... SANDY, WAIT.

SANDY?

[dog barking]

OH, BOY.

SANDY?

AW, COME ON, SANDY, WE DIDN'T MEAN IT.

YOU'RE A JOY TO BE AROUND.

SANDY?

(Sandy) LEAVE ME ALONE YOU BURR-HEADED, PILLOW-BITER.

SANDY? WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?

IS THAT ANYWAY FOR A MULTI-MILLIONAIRE CELEBRITY TO ACT? GEEZ.

OH, BOY, HERE I COME.

[grunting]

SANDY, MY, OH, MY.

[laughs]

HEY, UH, SANDY,

[coughing]

EXCUSE ME, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE AWARE OF THIS,

BUT, UH, THIS IS ONE OF THOSE NON-SMOKING TREES.

CHRIS, I KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.

YOU'RE GONNA TRY AND TALK ME INTO COMING BACK

AND LIVING WITH YOU.

UH, ACTUALLY, NO, SANDY, NOT AT ALL.

IN FACT, UH, I DON'T EVER WANT YOU TO COME BACK.

WELL, FINE, I'LL JUST STAY UP HERE UNTIL I'M A ROTTING CORPSE,

AND I STINK UP THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

NICE TOWN, YOU'VE GOT DEAD PEOPLE IN THE TREES.

SANDY, YOU KNOW, WHEN I FIRST MET YOU,

I SAID TO MYSELF, "NOW, NOW HERE'S A GUY I CAN REALLY LOOK UP TO.

"I MEAN, HE'S EVERYTHING THAT I'D WANT TO BE ONE DAY.

"HE'S... HE'S RICH, HE'S... HE'S FAMOUS,

HE'S... HE'S GOOD-LOOKING, HE'S... HE'S SNOTTY"

COME ON, CHRIS, YOU MAKE ME SOUND LIKE JOE GARAGIOLA.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, SANDY?

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT LOOKS UP TO YOU.

I MEAN, YOU LITERALLY HAVE HUNDREDS OF FANS OUT THERE.

AND YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT FAIR FOR ME TO KEEP YOU ALL TO MYSELF.

I MEAN, THESE PEOPLE, THEY DEPEND ON YOU.

YEAH, BUT CHRIS, SHOW BUSINESS IS SO GRUELING.

IT'S 5 HOURS OF WORK EVERY WEEK,

IT'S HAVING TO WEAR THOSE HORRIBLE SYNTHETIC HAIRPIECES.

YES, BUT IT'S ALSO VERY REWARDING, ISN'T IT?

SANDY, YOU MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH IN A...

IN A WORLD WHERE LAUGHTER IS KIND OF A PRECIOUS COMMODITY.

LIKE... LIKE COFFEE, AND JAM,

AND GLOVES.

THAT'S TRUE.

[laughs]

NOT TO MENTION I GET A TRUCKLOAD OF MONEY,

AND INCREDIBLE AMOUNTS OF TAIL.

EXACTLY. NOW THAT'S THE SANDY I KNOW.

WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, CHRIS.

I DIDN'T COME THIS FAR IN MY CAREER TO ABANDON EVERYTHING

AND MOVE IN WITH A GUY THAT THROWS A BASEBALL LIKE A BALLERINA.

EXACTLY.

NO, I WAS ABSOLUTELY, OBVIOUSLY PUT ON THIS EARTH

TO, UH, ENTERTAIN AMERICA,

AND TAKE HOME A FAT PAYCHECK, HUH?

SO AS LONG AS THERE IS BREATH LEFT IN THIS OLD BODY OF MINE,

THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.

THANK YOU, CHRIS.

NO, YOU.

[both laughing]

[branch creaking]

[both exclaiming]

OH, BOY.

[laughing]

SANDY? YEAH.

WHEN WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN?

OH, CHRIS, YOU CAN SEE ME ANYTIME YOU WANT.

IN FACT, THANKS FOR ASKING,

I WILL BE AT THE, UH, TROPICANA HOTEL

FROM MARCH 19TH TO THE 23RD.

FROM THERE, IT'S DOWN TO BEAUTIFUL MIAMI BEACH, FLORIDA, AT THE FONTAINEBLEAU,

LAST TIME BOB CULP SHOWED UP, SURPRISED ME,

OOH! HE'S A LOT OF FUN.

AND THEN FROM THERE, OUT TO THE COAST,

I'LL BE A GUEST ON MATCH GAME PM.

YOU CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS FOR TIME AND STATIONS.

OK, ADIOS, PAL.

OH, GEEZ.

GOODBYE, SWEET SANDY.

I SHAN'T FORGET YOU.