All language subtitles for Get.A.Life.S01E13.NTSC.DVDRip.DD2.0.x264-BTN

HI, MOM AND DAD.

HI. I JUST THOUGHT
I'D JUST SAY A QUICK ADIOS

BEFORE I HEAD OFF
ON MY WHITE WATER RAFTING
TRIP THIS WEEKEND.

YOU'VE GOTTA BE
KIDDING ME.

HELL, NO, DAD.
CONSIDER THE FACTS.

I'M GOING BY MYSELF.

I'VE NEVER GONE
WHITE WATER RAFTING
BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE THE NEAREST RIVER IS.

SOUNDS PRETTY EXCITING,
DOESN'T IT?

AREN'T YOU FORGETTING
SOMETHING, HONEY?

THE PETERSON FAMILY REUNION
IS TODAY.

(Fred)
AND YOU'RE NOT GETTING
OUT OF IT.

SO YOU BETTER UNSTRAP
THAT LITTLE PADDLE

AND START PREPARING
TO BE MISERABLE,
THE WAY WE'RE DOING.

OH, NO, NO.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.

I HATE THE FAMILY REUNION.
I HATE IT.

I... I'D RATHER GO
TO A LIVESTOCK AUCTION

AND GET KICKED IN THE FACE
BY A GIANT DONKEY.

I'M SORRY,
MY HANDS ARE TIED.

IT'S MY TURN
TO HOST THE DAMN THING,

AND I CAN'T WEASEL
OUT OF IT.

OH, COME ON, DAD.
BE A WEASEL FOR ONCE
IN YOUR LIFE.

TAKE IT FROM ME,
YOU'LL FIND THAT

IT'S REALLY THE MOST
WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

DON'T BE A SIMP, HONEY.

IN A FEW SHORT HOURS
THIS PLACE WILL BE CRAWLING
WITH PETERSONS.

WE CAN'T BACK OUT NOW.

WAIT A SECOND.
HOLD THE...

YOU KNOW, THE THING
THAT YOU PICK UP
AND YOU... YOU DIAL

AND YOU TALK INTO.

ARE YOU SAYING THAT DONALD
IS GONNA BE HERE TODAY?

WELL, OF COURSE,
HE'S YOUR COUSIN,
ISN'T HE?

NO, NO, NO, PLEASE.
I HATE DONALD.

I DESPISE HIM.
I DETEST HIM.

I LOATHE HIM.
I ABHOR HIM.

I ABOMINATE HIM.

I KNEW WE'D REGRET
GIVING HIM THAT THESAURUS.

I DON'T KNOW
WHY YOU DISLIKE DONALD,
SWEETHEART.

JUST BECAUSE HE'S YOUR AGE,

IS A HUGE SUCCESS
AND OWNS HIS OWN MELON STAND

IS NO REASON
TO FEEL THREATENED BY HIM.

OH, I WISH HE WAS DEAD.

DONALD. DONALD.
DONALD. DONALD.

MY ARCH NEMESIS,
EVER SINCE CHILDHOOD.

IT GIVES ME
GREAT PLEASURE NOW

TO PRESENT THIS
STERLING SILVER TROPHY

AND A $50 SAVINGS BOND
TO DONALD,

THE PETERSON
WITH THE MOST WIT,
CHARISMA AND INTELLIGENCE.

HE'S THE JEWEL
OF OUR TRIBE

AND HE'S NO DOUBT
HEADED FOR GREATNESS.

[people cheering]

YUCK!

AND FOR YOUNG KENNY HERE...

DAD, CHRIS. CHRIS.

SORRY. FOR CHRIS,

I HAVE THIS STICK I FOUND
LAYING ON THE GROUND
OVER THERE.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR MY BOY,

HE'LL MAKE A GREAT RODEO CLOWN
ONE DAY, WON'T HE?

JUST IN CASE
YOU DIDN'T GET
THE NEWSFLASH,

I'M BETTER THAN YOU.

(Chris)
I HATE YOU.
I HATE YOU, DONALD.

I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU,
I HATE YOU.

(Gladys) FRED, STOP HIM.

HE'S HAVING ANOTHER
ONE OF HIS BIZARRE
DONALD FLASHBACKS.

STOP HIM? HELL,
I'M GONNA GO
GRAB THE VIDEO CAMERA.

�[Stand by R.E.M playing]

[bicycle bell ringing]

� STAND IN THE PLACE
WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY
YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE
WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE
WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY
YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE
WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY
YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE
WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE
WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY
YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE
WHERE YOU ARE �

� SO STAND

WELL, I FINALLY
GOT THE GRILL GOING,

THANKS TO A LITTLE
PREMIUM UNLEADED.

FRED, USING GASOLINE
TO START THE BARBECUE

COULD CAUSE TOXIC VAPOR
TO SEEP INTO THE FOOD.

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD,
GLADYS, IT'S JUST
MY RELATIVES.

(Sid) ATTENTION PETERSONS!

YOUR FIRST GUESTS HAVE ARRIVED!

JEEZ. IT'S SID AND
THAT DAMN BULLHORN.

HEY, HEY, THERE THEY ARE,
THERE'S MY HAPPY CAMPERS.

OH, I GOTTA HAND IT
TO YOU, FRED,

YOUR WOMAN STAYED THIN
AS A RAIL,

MINE'S PUT ON MORE POUNDS
THAN A PIG IN A SLOP-HOUSE.

KIDDIN', ANGEL.

LIKE A VISIT
FROM THE ROYAL COUPLE.

HOW'S IT GOIN', BOY?

I NEVER LIKED YOU.

FRED, CHECK THIS OUT.

[bullhorn blowing]

HA, HA, FINALLY GOT MYSELF
ONE WITH A SIREN.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
ALL THAT VOLUME
ON 2 DOUBLE "A" s.

AND IT HAPPENED
IN OUR LIFETIME.

WELL, IF WE'RE THROUGH
SHOOTING THE BULL,
LET'S GET TO THE BEER.

WHICH WAY, FRED?

RIGHT OVER THERE,
SID.

COME ON, ANGEL.

DAD, WHAT DO YOU SAY
I RUN DOWN TO THE BASEMENT
AND GET OUR UZI?

[all chattering]

MAY I HAVE
EVERYONE'S ATTENTION,
PLEASE.

[all continue chattering]

COULD I JUST
HAVE A MINUTE?

CAN YOU GYPSIES
SHUT THE HELL UP
FOR 2 SECONDS?

THANKS, CHRIS.

BEFORE WE ALL FORM
AN ORDERLY LINE HERE
AT THE BUFFET TABLE,

IT'S TRADITION
THAT WE ALLOW AUNT SHIRLEY,

THE MATRIARCH OF OUR FAMILY,
TO GO THROUGH FIRST.

I NEED A VOLUNTEER
TO HELP AUNT SHIRLEY

PILE FOOD ON HER PLATE.

WHO'S GONNA DO THAT?

[all chattering]

(woman) NOT ME.

PICK SOMEONE THEN.

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU PEOPLE?

WHERE'S YOUR HUMANITY?
SHE'S A SAINT.

CHRIS, GO GET
YOUR AUNT SHIRLEY.

DAD, WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT?
I JUST WASHED MY HANDS.

MOVE IT OR I'LL MAKE YOU
DRIVE HER HOME LATER.

HI, AUNT SHIRLEY.

OK, AUNT SHIRLEY,
HERE'S SOME POTATO SALAD,

AND, UM, SOME TUNA BALLS.
THERE YOU GO.

AND, UH, OH, HERE'S SOME
DISGUSTING-LOOKING MEAT
OR SOMETHING.

AND, UH, OH, LOOK.
HERE'S SOME PICKLED EGGS.

MMM, WOULD YOU LIKE
ONE OF THOSE?
DON'T THOSE LOOK GOOD?

THEY'RE AS PINK
AS A BUNNY'S NOSE.

DO YOU LIKE LITTLE BUNNIES,
AUNT SHIRLEY?
LOOK!

GIMME MY FOOD
AND SHUT YOUR TRAP!

HEY, PUT HER WAY BACK THERE
SO WE DON'T HAVE
TO DEAL WITH HER.

�[Family Affair by Sly
and The Family Stone playing]

� IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR

� IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR

� IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR

� IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR

� ONE CHILD GROWS UP TO BE

� SOMEBODY THAT JUST
LOVES TO LEARN �

� AND ANOTHER CHILD
GROWS UP TO BE �

� SOMEBODY YOU'D JUST
LOVE TO BURN �

� MOM LOVES THE BOTH OF THEM �

� YOU SEE IT'S IN THE BLOOD

� BOTH KIDS ARE GOOD TO MOM

� BLOOD'S THICKER THAN MUD

� IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR

BRAD, AUNT LOUISE,

WOULD YOU CARE FOR
A SWISS VANILLA BOO-BOO?

SWISS VANILLA WHAT?

HELL, BOY. THAT'S JUST
SALT WATER TAFFY.

YOU KNOW,
I THOUGHT SO,

BUT FOR SOME REASON
MY DAD TOLD ME

I HAD TO CALL THEM
SWISS VANILLA BOO-BOOS.

THANKS, DAD.
THANKS FOR MAKING AN ASS
OUT OF ME.

DOES ANYONE KNOW
WHEN DONALD IS COMING?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I HOPE
HE GETS HERE SOON.

I LOVE THAT DONALD.

OH, DONALD IS
THE SMARTEST BOY
IN THE WORLD.

DO YOU KNOW, I HEARD
HE ONCE FIXED A CLOCK RADIO

WITH JUST A BUTTER KNIFE
AND ELMER'S GLUE.

OH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE DONALD,
HE'S ALWAYS DOING
SOMETHING SMART.

NOT LIKE THAT
DOPE-KID OF FRED'S.

SOMEBODY TOLD ME THAT
DONALD JUST BOUGHT HIMSELF
AN '84 CHEVETTE.

'84, HELL. AN '85
WITH ONLY 40,000 MILES
ON IT.

PAID CASH FOR IT, TOO.

THAT'S DONALD FOR YOU.

I HEARD THAT DONALD'S
MELON STAND IS DOING SO GOOD

HE'S ADDING ANOTHER 9 FEET
TO SELL GRAPES.

GRAPES? CAN YOU BEAT THAT?
WHAT'LL DONALD THINK OF NEXT?

[grunting]

MY, THIS DONALD IS DELICIOUS.

I JUST PUT A NEW DONALD
IN MY TRUCK.
NOW SHE RUNS LIKE A TOP.

I HEARD THE WEATHER TOMORROW'S
SUPPOSED TO BE CLOUDY

WITH A CHANCE OF DONALD.

ATTENTION, EVERYONE,

DONALD WILL BE HERE SHORTLY.

REPEAT. DONALD,
THE SUCCESSFUL GENIUS

WHO PROBABLY INVENTED
THIS VERY MEGAPHONE
WILL BE HERE SHORTLY!

[all chattering]

MA, MA, YOU HAVE
TO HELP ME.

IT'S LIKE
I'M LOSING MY MIND.

IT'S LIKE EVERYONE HERE
IS TALKING ABOUT DONALD

AND... AND THAT'S ALL
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

DONALD?

DONALD, DONALD, DONALD,
DONALD, DONALD.

[sighing]

OH, MY GOODNESS.
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SON?

OH, HE'S JUST TALKING A NAP.
LOOK DONALD'S HERE.

OH.

[car horn honking]

HEY, GET UP, BOY.
YOUR COUSIN'S HERE.

OOH, GET OUT OF THE WAY.

[all clamoring]

DONALD, THANK GOD
YOU'RE HERE.

WE WERE SO WORRIED.

GOOD TO SEE YOU, DONALD.

WE WERE JUST TALKING
ABOUT HOW SMART YOU ARE.

DONALD, CAN I KISS YOUR HAND?
JUST FOR GOOD LUCK?

LOOK, DONALD,
IT'S GOT A SIREN.

[blowing]

WANNA PLAY WITH IT?

(woman) I LOVE YOU, DONALD.

HELLO, CUZ. LONG TIME NO SEE.

WELL, WELL, WELL,
THE LITTLE NEWS BOY.

HOW ARE YOU,
CHRISTOPHER?

LOVELY CLOTHES
YOU'RE WEARING THESE DAYS.

I KNOW DRIFTERS WHO ARE
MORE FASHION CONSCIOUS.

THAT'S YOUR STYLE, ISN'T IT?

PICKING ON POOR, HELPLESS,
SWEET, INNOCENT DRIFTERS.

THE SALT OF THE EARTH
AND THE BACKBONE
OF OUR COUNTRY.

PARDON ME, CHRISTINA,

WHEN YOU'RE NOT BUSY
DELIVERING YOUR
LITTLE NEWSPAPERS

AND ACTING LIKE A MORON
AND BORING PEOPLE

WITH IDIOTIC CONVERSATION,

WHAT DO YOU DO
IN YOUR SPARE TIME?

OH, I PRETTY MUCH GO ON DATES
WITH YOUR MOM.

SHE TRIES TO FIT ME IN
BETWEEN THE FURNACE REPAIRMAN

AND THE HIGH SCHOOL JANITOR.

THAT'S SO SAD.

YOUR OBVIOUS LACK
OF SIGNIFICANT INCOME

IS CAUSING YOU
TO LASH OUT AT THOSE

GREATER THAN YOURSELF.

NO. IT'S MY OBVIOUS
LACK OF PATIENCE

FOR LITTLE GEEK WUSSY BOYS
WHO DRESS UP
LIKE CARPET SALESMAN

AND WHO WEAR COLOGNE
THAT SMELLS LIKE CAT URINE.

OK. I SEE I'M GONNA HAVE
TO GO IN FOR THE KILL.

THIS IS MY BANKBOOK.

READ IT AND WEEP.

THAT'S RIGHT.
A 9 FOLLOWED BY 2 ZEROS.

NOW LET'S SEE YOURS.

UM...

WELL, MY DADDY KEEPS MINE
IN A SAFE DEPOSIT BOX
DOWN AT THE BANK.

YEAH, YEAH, A LIKELY STORY.

WELL, I THINK
I'LL MOVE ON.

THERE ARE DOZENS
OF PEOPLE HERE
JUST WAITIN' IN LINE

TO KISS MY BUTT.

COULD I HAVE
EVERYONE'S ATTENTION, PLEASE?

I KNOW YOU'RE ALL STILL GIDDY

ABOUT THE FREE MELONS
THAT DONALD BROUGHT US,

BUT LISTEN UP A MINUTE.

I'D LIKE TO INVITE EACH OF YOU
TO COME UP HERE NOW

AND GIVE US KIND OF AN UPDATE

ON WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING
THIS PAST YEAR.

YOU GO FIRST, FRED.

(woman)
YEAH, YOU GO FIRST, FRED.

OH, JEEZ, WELL,
THESE LAST 12 MONTHS
I'VE JUST BEEN SITTING AROUND,

DRINKING COFFEE,
AND DREADING TODAY.

OH, OK, WHO'S NEXT?

AS MOST OF YOU PROBABLY KNOW,

I HAD TO FIRE THE BOY
THAT CUTS OUR GRASS

BECAUSE I CAUGHT HIM
STEALING A POWER DRILL
OUT OF THE GARAGE.

I ACTUALLY GOT
TO SPRAY THE LITTLE BASTARD

WITH SOME MACE,
SO THAT WAS NICE.

BASICALLY WHAT MY UROLOGIST
TOLD ME WAS TO

DRINK LOTS OF CRANBERRY JUICE.

SO HE'S BLEEDIN'
AND CURSIN' UP A STORM.

SO I SAYS, "HEY, SORRY.

WITH THAT HAIRCUT
YOU LOOK LIKE A DEER."

THIS LAST YEAR HAS BEEN
ONE OF GREAT PERSONAL
SATISFACTION FOR ME.

AS MOST OF YOU KNOW,
I'VE CONTINUED TO PROSPER.

TO SAY THAT I'M A HUGE SUCCESS,

WELL, THAT WOULD BE
AN UNDERSTATEMENT.

I'M A PHENOMENON.

JEEZ, IT'S LIKE THE 1960
DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION.

BUT I ALSO BELIEVE
IN GIVING BACK
TO THE COMMUNITY

AND THAT'S WHY,
JUST A FEW SHORT MONTHS AGO,

WHEN MY MINISTER
NEEDED SOME MONEY

FOR A NEW SPACE HEATER
FOR HIS TRAILER,

I HANDED THE GUY $10.

[all exclaiming]

HERE'S THE XEROX
OF THE CANCELLED CHECK.

I'LL PASS IT AROUND.

WELL, THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL,
AND KEEP HOPE ALIVE.

THEY THINK DONALD
IS THE GREATEST THING
SINCE SLICED JELL-O, HUH?

WELL, I'LL SHOW THEM.

I'LL SHOW THEM ALL.

[snickering]

OK, IF WE'RE ALL DONE
WITH THAT CRAP,
I'LL MAKE THIS BRIEF.

FOR THE LAST YEAR
I'VE BEEN INTENSELY STUDYING

THE ANCIENT MARTIAL ARTS
OF TAI-KWAN-HO-JO-LO.

AND, UM, RIGHT NOW
I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING FOR YOU

THAT EVEN YOUR PRECIOUS
LITTLE DONALD CAN'T DO.

I'M GONNA BREAK
A GIANT BLOCK OF ICE
WITH MY HEAD.

THIS OUGHT TO BE GOOD.

THAT BLOCK OF ICE WAS
FOR THE SODAS.

NOW, PLEASE, I NEED
ABSOLUTE QUIET FOR THIS,

OTHERWISE THERE COULD BE
DISASTROUS RESULTS.

[clearing throat]

I'M A ROCK.
MY HEAD IS A ROCK.

FROM MY NECK UP,
I AM A ROCK.

[bullhorn blowing]

I'M SORRY, BOY.
I JUST COULDN'T RESIST.

BUNCH OF PINHEADS.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS IT.

[clears throat]

[speaking gibberish]

OK, AND NOW IF
YOU'LL ALL EXCUSE ME,

I'M GONNA PASS OUT.

TWICE IN ONE DAY.

CALL RIPLEY.

WAKE UP, CINDERELLA.

HUH?

HE'S ALIVE EVERYONE.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU,
ONE AND ALL.

IT'S NICE TO BE SUPPORTED
BY RELATIVES

THAT APPRECIATE
AN HONEST EFFORT.

AW, PUT A LID ON IT, BOY.

THEY'RE NOT APPLAUDING YOU,
THEY'RE APPLAUDING DONALD.

HE'S THE ONE
WHO REVIVED YOU.

[all cheering]

FINE.

WELL, IT'S OBVIOUS
WE'VE REACHED
A TURNING POINT HERE.

ALL DIPLOMATIC MEASURES
HAVE FAILED.

SO THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
LEFT FOR ME TO DO:

GO TRASH HIS PIECE
OF CRAP CAR.

WHAT DECADENCE.

WELL, I THINK I'LL JUST LEAVE
A LITTLE CALLING CARD
FOR YOU, DONALD.

HOW ABOUT
A COUPLE OF TUNA BALLS

STUFFED NICELY BACK
IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT?

I WOULD LOVE
TO SEE YOUR FACE

WHEN THESE BABIES TURN RIPE
IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

[laughs]

"BEST OF FALCO"?

WHY DOES THE PHRASE
"SOCIALLY RETARDED"
COME TO MY MIND?

I THINK
YOU'LL LIKE THIS MUSIC
A LITTLE BETTER, DONALD.

IT'S CALLED,
"WHY DOES MY CAR
STINK SO MUCH?"

[sighs]

I HATE YOU, DONALD.
I HATE YOU. YOU'RE A GIRL.

YOU'RE UGLY. YOU'RE A GIRL.
I HATE YOUR GUTS.

I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU.
I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU.
I HATE YOU.

"MR. DONALD PETERSON.
PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL."

"DEAR MR. PETERSON,

"THIS LETTER IS
TO INFORM YOU

"THAT YOU ARE NOW
10 DAYS PAST DUE
ON YOUR LOAN PAYMENT.

"FAILURE TO BRING
THIS ACCOUNT UP TO DATE

COULD RESULT
IN A MINOR INTEREST PENALTY."

MY GOD,

IT'S LIKE HAVING
MA BARKER IN THE FAMILY.

I FINALLY HAVE
SOMETHING ON HIM.

[exclaiming]

THANK YOU.

[chuckling] THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME, HAS ANYONE SEEN
A LITTLE BOTTLE OF PILLS

LABELED HEART MEDICINE?

I WOULDN'T BUG YOU
EXCEPT IT'S...
EXCEPT IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

ALL RIGHT, HONEY.
THAT'S IT. OK, FINE.

THERE YOU GO.
I ONLY WANT...

YEAH, OK. PEDDLE YOUR
SNAKE OIL SOMEWHERE ELSE.

FOLKS, IF YOU DON'T MIND,

UH, LET ME INTERRUPT
YOUR LITTLE SIMPLE-MINDED
IDIOTIC CHITCHAT HERE

AND SHARE SOMETHING
VERY SPECIAL WITH YOU.

ALLOW ME TO READ YOU
SOMETHING THAT I DISCOVERED

DURING A, UH, ROUTINE SEARCH
OF DONALD'S
BEYOND FABULOUS CHEVETTE.

AHEM. NOW I'LL PARAPHRASE
BECAUSE, UH,

MOST OF YOU HERE
HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN
OF A CIRCUS MONKEY, SO...

"DEAR MR. PETERSON,
EITHER MAKE GOOD
ON YOUR LOAN PAYMENTS

"OR WE'LL TURN
YOUR MELON STAND
INTO A PARKING LOT.

SIGNED YORK NATIONAL BANK."

[all exclaiming]

WELL, IT SEEMS THAT
SIR DONALD IS NOTHING MORE

THAN A FLAMING LATE BILL PAYER.

[all booing]

YES, YES, WELL. GOOD.

THAT'S... THAT'S REFRESHING
TO SEE THAT YOU'VE CHANGED
YOUR MINDS ABOUT DONALD.

CHRIS,
THEY'RE NOT BOOING DONALD,
THEY'RE BOOING YOU.

YOU OUGHTA BE ASHAMED
OF YOURSELF!

KICKING A MAN
WHEN HE'S DOWN!

AFTER HE SAVED YOUR LIFE.

YOU'RE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH.

I'D LIKE TO STAB YOU
WITH THIS PLASTIC FORK.

QUITE A LITTLE FAN CLUB
YOU'VE GOT HERE.

WAIT A SECOND.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE
DONALD'S SOME SORT OF
LITTLE FRAGILE CERAMIC BIRDIE

OR ANYTHING. HE CAN TAKE
A LITTLE CRITICISM.

I MEAN, THE GUY'S GOT
A HUGE EGO.

NOTHING BOTHERS HIM.

LOOK! ON THE ROOF.

I'M GONNA JUMP.

[all shouting]

[all clamoring]

WE LOVE YOU.

I'VE LET YOU ALL DOWN,
SO NOW I'M GONNA

SPLATTER MYSELF
ALL OVER THE LAWN.

OH, JEEZ,
JUST WHAT I NEED.

PLACE IS GONNA BE CRAWLING
WITH COPS AND REPORTERS.

THANKS TO CHRIS,

I'VE COMPLETELY LOST
THE WILL TO LIVE.

[all gasping]

DON'T JUMP, DONALD.
WE LOVE YOU,
AND WE HATE CHRIS.

THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

YOU BETTER GET UP THERE
AND TAKE CARE OF THIS

BEFORE SOMETHING
GRISLY HAPPENS.

I DON'T NEED MY PROPERTY
VALUES DROPPING.

DAD, COME ON, WHY SHOULD I
LIFT A FINGER TO HELP HIM?

GIVE ME
ONE GOOD REASON.

BECAUSE YOUR RELATIVES
ARE ON THE VERGE
OF MURDERING YOU.

WE'RE GOIN' TO KILL YOU!

[all clamoring]

WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

OK. ALL RIGHT, DONALD.

[people chattering]

DON'T COME ANY CLOSER,
OR I'LL JUMP.

[all gasping]

OK, OK,
DON'T GET YOUR PANTIES
IN AN UPROAR, OK?

[grunts]

YOU KNOW, DONALD,

I HAVE TO HAND IT
TO YOU.

THIS LITTLE
ODE TO BILLY JOE CRAP
IS A REAL CROWD PLEASER.

YOU THINK I'M DOING THIS
FOR ATTENTION, HUH?

WELL, WE'LL SEE
WHAT YOU THINK

WHEN YOUR OLD MAN HAS TO
SHOVEL ME OFF HIS PATIO.

YOU KNOW, DONALD,

AS A LIVING, BREATHING,
HUMAN BEING

WITH A CONSCIENCE,

I FEEL IT'S MY DUTY

TO TRY AND PREVENT YOU
FROM JUMPING
TO YOUR BLOODY DEATH.

BUT THEN AGAIN, AS YOUR
LESS-SUCCESSFUL COUSIN

WHO'S ALWAYS HATED
YOUR STINKING GUTS,

I JUST WANT TO REMIND YOU
THAT YOU'RE AN ADULT,

FREE TO DO WHATEVER
YOU WANT TO DO, SO...

FINALLY, I'LL BE FREE
FROM THIS COLD, HEARTLESS,
DEMANDING WORLD.

YEAH.

FREE FROM BANK PAYMENTS,
I.R.S. AUDITS,

AND, YES, PATERNITY SUITS.

DONALD, PLEASE,
LET'S NOT
GET CARRIED AWAY.

COME ON, THE ONLY WOMEN
YOU EVER GOT

CAME IN A BOX
WITH A VOLLEYBALL PUMP.

WELL...

THIS IS IT.

GOODBYE, COUSIN.

[women shouting]

[all gasping]

I DROPPED MY HOTDOG.

I DROPPED MY HOTDOG.

I'M ABOUT TO CRY
LIKE A 6-MONTH-OLD
BABY GIRL.

[crying] SHUT UP, YOU IDIOT.

HERE, TAKE MINE.

IT TASTES LIKE CRAP ANYWAY.

DONALD, DONALD,
DON'T DO IT.

YOU HAVE SO MUCH
TO LIVE FOR.

YOU HAVE FAMILY
AND... AND FRIENDS
THAT CARE FOR YOU.

YOU-YOU'VE GOT
MELON CUSTOMERS THAT,

THAT WANT TO BUY MELONS
FROM YOU.

AND... AND YOU'VE GOT
A GREAT USED CAR THAT,

WELL, THAT'S MYSTERIOUSLY
GONNA STINK
IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

DONALD, DON'T JUMP.

OK. I WON'T.

DID YOU HEAR THAT,
EVERYONE?

I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT.

[all exclaiming]

WELL, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU ALL
VERY, VERY MUCH.

WHEW, BOY,
IT WAS TOUCH-AND-GO
UP HERE FOR A BIT,

BUT WE GOT THROUGH IT.
EVERYONE'S OK.

JUST CALL ME
MR. CRISIS INTERVENTION.

[laughs]

WELL, I'LL BE DOWN
IN A COUPLE OF SECONDS

AND YOU'RE ALL FREE TO LINE UP
AND KISS MY HEROIC BUTT.

[laughs]

I DID IT. I DID IT.
I'M A BIG HERO.

I SAVED THE DAY. I'M A HERO.

LOOK AT ME, DONALD,
I'M SHAKIN' IT FOR YOU, HONEY.

I DID IT. OH!

[crashing]

(Sid) HEY, HE DID IT.

HE ACTUALLY BROKE
THAT BLOCK OF ICE
WITH HIS HEAD.

WELL, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL.

HEH, I TOLD YOU I COULD DO IT.

AND... AND NOW FOR YOUR
ADDED ENJOYMENT,

MY TRADEMARK
LOSS OF CONSCIOUSNESS.

(Molly)
TECHNICALLY HE ONLY DID IT
'CAUSE DONALD WAS HERE.