Original subtitles

HI, MOM AND DAD.

HI. I JUST THOUGHT I'D JUST SAY A QUICK ADIOS

BEFORE I HEAD OFF ON MY WHITE WATER RAFTING TRIP THIS WEEKEND.

YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.

HELL, NO, DAD. CONSIDER THE FACTS.

I'M GOING BY MYSELF.

I'VE NEVER GONE WHITE WATER RAFTING BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE NEAREST RIVER IS.

SOUNDS PRETTY EXCITING, DOESN'T IT?

AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING, HONEY?

THE PETERSON FAMILY REUNION IS TODAY.

(Fred) AND YOU'RE NOT GETTING OUT OF IT.

SO YOU BETTER UNSTRAP THAT LITTLE PADDLE

AND START PREPARING TO BE MISERABLE, THE WAY WE'RE DOING.

OH, NO, NO. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.

I HATE THE FAMILY REUNION. I HATE IT.

I... I'D RATHER GO TO A LIVESTOCK AUCTION

AND GET KICKED IN THE FACE BY A GIANT DONKEY.

I'M SORRY, MY HANDS ARE TIED.

IT'S MY TURN TO HOST THE DAMN THING,

AND I CAN'T WEASEL OUT OF IT.

OH, COME ON, DAD. BE A WEASEL FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.

TAKE IT FROM ME, YOU'LL FIND THAT

IT'S REALLY THE MOST WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

DON'T BE A SIMP, HONEY.

IN A FEW SHORT HOURS THIS PLACE WILL BE CRAWLING WITH PETERSONS.

WE CAN'T BACK OUT NOW.

WAIT A SECOND. HOLD THE...

YOU KNOW, THE THING THAT YOU PICK UP AND YOU... YOU DIAL

AND YOU TALK INTO.

ARE YOU SAYING THAT DONALD IS GONNA BE HERE TODAY?

WELL, OF COURSE, HE'S YOUR COUSIN, ISN'T HE?

NO, NO, NO, PLEASE. I HATE DONALD.

I DESPISE HIM. I DETEST HIM.

I LOATHE HIM. I ABHOR HIM.

I ABOMINATE HIM.

I KNEW WE'D REGRET GIVING HIM THAT THESAURUS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU DISLIKE DONALD, SWEETHEART.

JUST BECAUSE HE'S YOUR AGE,

IS A HUGE SUCCESS AND OWNS HIS OWN MELON STAND

IS NO REASON TO FEEL THREATENED BY HIM.

OH, I WISH HE WAS DEAD.

DONALD. DONALD. DONALD. DONALD.

MY ARCH NEMESIS, EVER SINCE CHILDHOOD.

IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE NOW

TO PRESENT THIS STERLING SILVER TROPHY

AND A $50 SAVINGS BOND TO DONALD,

THE PETERSON WITH THE MOST WIT, CHARISMA AND INTELLIGENCE.

HE'S THE JEWEL OF OUR TRIBE

AND HE'S NO DOUBT HEADED FOR GREATNESS.

[people cheering]

YUCK!

AND FOR YOUNG KENNY HERE...

DAD, CHRIS. CHRIS.

SORRY. FOR CHRIS,

I HAVE THIS STICK I FOUND LAYING ON THE GROUND OVER THERE.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR MY BOY,

HE'LL MAKE A GREAT RODEO CLOWN ONE DAY, WON'T HE?

JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T GET THE NEWSFLASH,

I'M BETTER THAN YOU.

(Chris) I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU, DONALD.

I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU.

(Gladys) FRED, STOP HIM.

HE'S HAVING ANOTHER ONE OF HIS BIZARRE DONALD FLASHBACKS.

STOP HIM? HELL, I'M GONNA GO GRAB THE VIDEO CAMERA.

�[Stand by R.E.M playing]

[bicycle bell ringing]

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU ARE �

� SO STAND

WELL, I FINALLY GOT THE GRILL GOING,

THANKS TO A LITTLE PREMIUM UNLEADED.

FRED, USING GASOLINE TO START THE BARBECUE

COULD CAUSE TOXIC VAPOR TO SEEP INTO THE FOOD.

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, GLADYS, IT'S JUST MY RELATIVES.

(Sid) ATTENTION PETERSONS!

YOUR FIRST GUESTS HAVE ARRIVED!

JEEZ. IT'S SID AND THAT DAMN BULLHORN.

HEY, HEY, THERE THEY ARE, THERE'S MY HAPPY CAMPERS.

OH, I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU, FRED,

YOUR WOMAN STAYED THIN AS A RAIL,

MINE'S PUT ON MORE POUNDS THAN A PIG IN A SLOP-HOUSE.

KIDDIN', ANGEL.

LIKE A VISIT FROM THE ROYAL COUPLE.

HOW'S IT GOIN', BOY?

I NEVER LIKED YOU.

FRED, CHECK THIS OUT.

[bullhorn blowing]

HA, HA, FINALLY GOT MYSELF ONE WITH A SIREN.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? ALL THAT VOLUME ON 2 DOUBLE "A" s.

AND IT HAPPENED IN OUR LIFETIME.

WELL, IF WE'RE THROUGH SHOOTING THE BULL, LET'S GET TO THE BEER.

WHICH WAY, FRED?

RIGHT OVER THERE, SID.

COME ON, ANGEL.

DAD, WHAT DO YOU SAY I RUN DOWN TO THE BASEMENT AND GET OUR UZI?

[all chattering]

MAY I HAVE EVERYONE'S ATTENTION, PLEASE.

[all continue chattering]

COULD I JUST HAVE A MINUTE?

CAN YOU GYPSIES SHUT THE HELL UP FOR 2 SECONDS?

THANKS, CHRIS.

BEFORE WE ALL FORM AN ORDERLY LINE HERE AT THE BUFFET TABLE,

IT'S TRADITION THAT WE ALLOW AUNT SHIRLEY,

THE MATRIARCH OF OUR FAMILY, TO GO THROUGH FIRST.

I NEED A VOLUNTEER TO HELP AUNT SHIRLEY

PILE FOOD ON HER PLATE.

WHO'S GONNA DO THAT?

[all chattering]

(woman) NOT ME.

PICK SOMEONE THEN.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?

WHERE'S YOUR HUMANITY? SHE'S A SAINT.

CHRIS, GO GET YOUR AUNT SHIRLEY.

DAD, WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT? I JUST WASHED MY HANDS.

MOVE IT OR I'LL MAKE YOU DRIVE HER HOME LATER.

HI, AUNT SHIRLEY.

OK, AUNT SHIRLEY, HERE'S SOME POTATO SALAD,

AND, UM, SOME TUNA BALLS. THERE YOU GO.

AND, UH, OH, HERE'S SOME DISGUSTING-LOOKING MEAT OR SOMETHING.

AND, UH, OH, LOOK. HERE'S SOME PICKLED EGGS.

MMM, WOULD YOU LIKE ONE OF THOSE? DON'T THOSE LOOK GOOD?

THEY'RE AS PINK AS A BUNNY'S NOSE.

DO YOU LIKE LITTLE BUNNIES, AUNT SHIRLEY? LOOK!

GIMME MY FOOD AND SHUT YOUR TRAP!

HEY, PUT HER WAY BACK THERE SO WE DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH HER.

�[Family Affair by Sly and The Family Stone playing]

� IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR

� IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR

� IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR

� IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR

� ONE CHILD GROWS UP TO BE

� SOMEBODY THAT JUST LOVES TO LEARN �

� AND ANOTHER CHILD GROWS UP TO BE �

� SOMEBODY YOU'D JUST LOVE TO BURN �

� MOM LOVES THE BOTH OF THEM �

� YOU SEE IT'S IN THE BLOOD

� BOTH KIDS ARE GOOD TO MOM

� BLOOD'S THICKER THAN MUD

� IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR

BRAD, AUNT LOUISE,

WOULD YOU CARE FOR A SWISS VANILLA BOO-BOO?

SWISS VANILLA WHAT?

HELL, BOY. THAT'S JUST SALT WATER TAFFY.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT SO,

BUT FOR SOME REASON MY DAD TOLD ME

I HAD TO CALL THEM SWISS VANILLA BOO-BOOS.

THANKS, DAD. THANKS FOR MAKING AN ASS OUT OF ME.

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHEN DONALD IS COMING?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I HOPE HE GETS HERE SOON.

I LOVE THAT DONALD.

OH, DONALD IS THE SMARTEST BOY IN THE WORLD.

DO YOU KNOW, I HEARD HE ONCE FIXED A CLOCK RADIO

WITH JUST A BUTTER KNIFE AND ELMER'S GLUE.

OH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE DONALD, HE'S ALWAYS DOING SOMETHING SMART.

NOT LIKE THAT DOPE-KID OF FRED'S.

SOMEBODY TOLD ME THAT DONALD JUST BOUGHT HIMSELF AN '84 CHEVETTE.

'84, HELL. AN '85 WITH ONLY 40,000 MILES ON IT.

PAID CASH FOR IT, TOO.

THAT'S DONALD FOR YOU.

I HEARD THAT DONALD'S MELON STAND IS DOING SO GOOD

HE'S ADDING ANOTHER 9 FEET TO SELL GRAPES.

GRAPES? CAN YOU BEAT THAT? WHAT'LL DONALD THINK OF NEXT?

[grunting]

MY, THIS DONALD IS DELICIOUS.

I JUST PUT A NEW DONALD IN MY TRUCK. NOW SHE RUNS LIKE A TOP.

I HEARD THE WEATHER TOMORROW'S SUPPOSED TO BE CLOUDY

WITH A CHANCE OF DONALD.

ATTENTION, EVERYONE,

DONALD WILL BE HERE SHORTLY.

REPEAT. DONALD, THE SUCCESSFUL GENIUS

WHO PROBABLY INVENTED THIS VERY MEGAPHONE WILL BE HERE SHORTLY!

[all chattering]

MA, MA, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.

IT'S LIKE I'M LOSING MY MIND.

IT'S LIKE EVERYONE HERE IS TALKING ABOUT DONALD

AND... AND THAT'S ALL THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

DONALD?

DONALD, DONALD, DONALD, DONALD, DONALD.

[sighing]

OH, MY GOODNESS. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SON?

OH, HE'S JUST TALKING A NAP. LOOK DONALD'S HERE.

OH.

[car horn honking]

HEY, GET UP, BOY. YOUR COUSIN'S HERE.

OOH, GET OUT OF THE WAY.

[all clamoring]

DONALD, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.

WE WERE SO WORRIED.

GOOD TO SEE YOU, DONALD.

WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT HOW SMART YOU ARE.

DONALD, CAN I KISS YOUR HAND? JUST FOR GOOD LUCK?

LOOK, DONALD, IT'S GOT A SIREN.

[blowing]

WANNA PLAY WITH IT?

(woman) I LOVE YOU, DONALD.

HELLO, CUZ. LONG TIME NO SEE.

WELL, WELL, WELL, THE LITTLE NEWS BOY.

HOW ARE YOU, CHRISTOPHER?

LOVELY CLOTHES YOU'RE WEARING THESE DAYS.

I KNOW DRIFTERS WHO ARE MORE FASHION CONSCIOUS.

THAT'S YOUR STYLE, ISN'T IT?

PICKING ON POOR, HELPLESS, SWEET, INNOCENT DRIFTERS.

THE SALT OF THE EARTH AND THE BACKBONE OF OUR COUNTRY.

PARDON ME, CHRISTINA,

WHEN YOU'RE NOT BUSY DELIVERING YOUR LITTLE NEWSPAPERS

AND ACTING LIKE A MORON AND BORING PEOPLE

WITH IDIOTIC CONVERSATION,

WHAT DO YOU DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?

OH, I PRETTY MUCH GO ON DATES WITH YOUR MOM.

SHE TRIES TO FIT ME IN BETWEEN THE FURNACE REPAIRMAN

AND THE HIGH SCHOOL JANITOR.

THAT'S SO SAD.

YOUR OBVIOUS LACK OF SIGNIFICANT INCOME

IS CAUSING YOU TO LASH OUT AT THOSE

GREATER THAN YOURSELF.

NO. IT'S MY OBVIOUS LACK OF PATIENCE

FOR LITTLE GEEK WUSSY BOYS WHO DRESS UP LIKE CARPET SALESMAN

AND WHO WEAR COLOGNE THAT SMELLS LIKE CAT URINE.

OK. I SEE I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO IN FOR THE KILL.

THIS IS MY BANKBOOK.

READ IT AND WEEP.

THAT'S RIGHT. A 9 FOLLOWED BY 2 ZEROS.

NOW LET'S SEE YOURS.

UM...

WELL, MY DADDY KEEPS MINE IN A SAFE DEPOSIT BOX DOWN AT THE BANK.

YEAH, YEAH, A LIKELY STORY.

WELL, I THINK I'LL MOVE ON.

THERE ARE DOZENS OF PEOPLE HERE JUST WAITIN' IN LINE

TO KISS MY BUTT.

COULD I HAVE EVERYONE'S ATTENTION, PLEASE?

I KNOW YOU'RE ALL STILL GIDDY

ABOUT THE FREE MELONS THAT DONALD BROUGHT US,

BUT LISTEN UP A MINUTE.

I'D LIKE TO INVITE EACH OF YOU TO COME UP HERE NOW

AND GIVE US KIND OF AN UPDATE

ON WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING THIS PAST YEAR.

YOU GO FIRST, FRED.

(woman) YEAH, YOU GO FIRST, FRED.

OH, JEEZ, WELL, THESE LAST 12 MONTHS I'VE JUST BEEN SITTING AROUND,

DRINKING COFFEE, AND DREADING TODAY.

OH, OK, WHO'S NEXT?

AS MOST OF YOU PROBABLY KNOW,

I HAD TO FIRE THE BOY THAT CUTS OUR GRASS

BECAUSE I CAUGHT HIM STEALING A POWER DRILL OUT OF THE GARAGE.

I ACTUALLY GOT TO SPRAY THE LITTLE BASTARD

WITH SOME MACE, SO THAT WAS NICE.

BASICALLY WHAT MY UROLOGIST TOLD ME WAS TO

DRINK LOTS OF CRANBERRY JUICE.

SO HE'S BLEEDIN' AND CURSIN' UP A STORM.

SO I SAYS, "HEY, SORRY.

WITH THAT HAIRCUT YOU LOOK LIKE A DEER."

THIS LAST YEAR HAS BEEN ONE OF GREAT PERSONAL SATISFACTION FOR ME.

AS MOST OF YOU KNOW, I'VE CONTINUED TO PROSPER.

TO SAY THAT I'M A HUGE SUCCESS,

WELL, THAT WOULD BE AN UNDERSTATEMENT.

I'M A PHENOMENON.

JEEZ, IT'S LIKE THE 1960 DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION.

BUT I ALSO BELIEVE IN GIVING BACK TO THE COMMUNITY

AND THAT'S WHY, JUST A FEW SHORT MONTHS AGO,

WHEN MY MINISTER NEEDED SOME MONEY

FOR A NEW SPACE HEATER FOR HIS TRAILER,

I HANDED THE GUY $10.

[all exclaiming]

HERE'S THE XEROX OF THE CANCELLED CHECK.

I'LL PASS IT AROUND.

WELL, THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL, AND KEEP HOPE ALIVE.

THEY THINK DONALD IS THE GREATEST THING SINCE SLICED JELL-O, HUH?

WELL, I'LL SHOW THEM.

I'LL SHOW THEM ALL.

[snickering]

OK, IF WE'RE ALL DONE WITH THAT CRAP, I'LL MAKE THIS BRIEF.

FOR THE LAST YEAR I'VE BEEN INTENSELY STUDYING

THE ANCIENT MARTIAL ARTS OF TAI-KWAN-HO-JO-LO.

AND, UM, RIGHT NOW I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING FOR YOU

THAT EVEN YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE DONALD CAN'T DO.

I'M GONNA BREAK A GIANT BLOCK OF ICE WITH MY HEAD.

THIS OUGHT TO BE GOOD.

THAT BLOCK OF ICE WAS FOR THE SODAS.

NOW, PLEASE, I NEED ABSOLUTE QUIET FOR THIS,

OTHERWISE THERE COULD BE DISASTROUS RESULTS.

[clearing throat]

I'M A ROCK. MY HEAD IS A ROCK.

FROM MY NECK UP, I AM A ROCK.

[bullhorn blowing]

I'M SORRY, BOY. I JUST COULDN'T RESIST.

BUNCH OF PINHEADS.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS IT.

[clears throat]

[speaking gibberish]

OK, AND NOW IF YOU'LL ALL EXCUSE ME,

I'M GONNA PASS OUT.

TWICE IN ONE DAY.

CALL RIPLEY.

WAKE UP, CINDERELLA.

HUH?

HE'S ALIVE EVERYONE.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL.

IT'S NICE TO BE SUPPORTED BY RELATIVES

THAT APPRECIATE AN HONEST EFFORT.

AW, PUT A LID ON IT, BOY.

THEY'RE NOT APPLAUDING YOU, THEY'RE APPLAUDING DONALD.

HE'S THE ONE WHO REVIVED YOU.

[all cheering]

FINE.

WELL, IT'S OBVIOUS WE'VE REACHED A TURNING POINT HERE.

ALL DIPLOMATIC MEASURES HAVE FAILED.

SO THERE'S ONLY ONE THING LEFT FOR ME TO DO:

GO TRASH HIS PIECE OF CRAP CAR.

WHAT DECADENCE.

WELL, I THINK I'LL JUST LEAVE A LITTLE CALLING CARD FOR YOU, DONALD.

HOW ABOUT A COUPLE OF TUNA BALLS

STUFFED NICELY BACK IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT?

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOUR FACE

WHEN THESE BABIES TURN RIPE IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

[laughs]

"BEST OF FALCO"?

WHY DOES THE PHRASE "SOCIALLY RETARDED" COME TO MY MIND?

I THINK YOU'LL LIKE THIS MUSIC A LITTLE BETTER, DONALD.

IT'S CALLED, "WHY DOES MY CAR STINK SO MUCH?"

[sighs]

I HATE YOU, DONALD. I HATE YOU. YOU'RE A GIRL.

YOU'RE UGLY. YOU'RE A GIRL. I HATE YOUR GUTS.

I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU.

"MR. DONALD PETERSON. PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL."

"DEAR MR. PETERSON,

"THIS LETTER IS TO INFORM YOU

"THAT YOU ARE NOW 10 DAYS PAST DUE ON YOUR LOAN PAYMENT.

"FAILURE TO BRING THIS ACCOUNT UP TO DATE

COULD RESULT IN A MINOR INTEREST PENALTY."

MY GOD,

IT'S LIKE HAVING MA BARKER IN THE FAMILY.

I FINALLY HAVE SOMETHING ON HIM.

[exclaiming]

THANK YOU.

[chuckling] THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME, HAS ANYONE SEEN A LITTLE BOTTLE OF PILLS

LABELED HEART MEDICINE?

I WOULDN'T BUG YOU EXCEPT IT'S... EXCEPT IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

ALL RIGHT, HONEY. THAT'S IT. OK, FINE.

THERE YOU GO. I ONLY WANT...

YEAH, OK. PEDDLE YOUR SNAKE OIL SOMEWHERE ELSE.

FOLKS, IF YOU DON'T MIND,

UH, LET ME INTERRUPT YOUR LITTLE SIMPLE-MINDED IDIOTIC CHITCHAT HERE

AND SHARE SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL WITH YOU.

ALLOW ME TO READ YOU SOMETHING THAT I DISCOVERED

DURING A, UH, ROUTINE SEARCH OF DONALD'S BEYOND FABULOUS CHEVETTE.

AHEM. NOW I'LL PARAPHRASE BECAUSE, UH,

MOST OF YOU HERE HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A CIRCUS MONKEY, SO...

"DEAR MR. PETERSON, EITHER MAKE GOOD ON YOUR LOAN PAYMENTS

"OR WE'LL TURN YOUR MELON STAND INTO A PARKING LOT.

SIGNED YORK NATIONAL BANK."

[all exclaiming]

WELL, IT SEEMS THAT SIR DONALD IS NOTHING MORE

THAN A FLAMING LATE BILL PAYER.

[all booing]

YES, YES, WELL. GOOD.

THAT'S... THAT'S REFRESHING TO SEE THAT YOU'VE CHANGED YOUR MINDS ABOUT DONALD.

CHRIS, THEY'RE NOT BOOING DONALD, THEY'RE BOOING YOU.

YOU OUGHTA BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!

KICKING A MAN WHEN HE'S DOWN!

AFTER HE SAVED YOUR LIFE.

YOU'RE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH.

I'D LIKE TO STAB YOU WITH THIS PLASTIC FORK.

QUITE A LITTLE FAN CLUB YOU'VE GOT HERE.

WAIT A SECOND.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE DONALD'S SOME SORT OF LITTLE FRAGILE CERAMIC BIRDIE

OR ANYTHING. HE CAN TAKE A LITTLE CRITICISM.

I MEAN, THE GUY'S GOT A HUGE EGO.

NOTHING BOTHERS HIM.

LOOK! ON THE ROOF.

I'M GONNA JUMP.

[all shouting]

[all clamoring]

WE LOVE YOU.

I'VE LET YOU ALL DOWN, SO NOW I'M GONNA

SPLATTER MYSELF ALL OVER THE LAWN.

OH, JEEZ, JUST WHAT I NEED.

PLACE IS GONNA BE CRAWLING WITH COPS AND REPORTERS.

THANKS TO CHRIS,

I'VE COMPLETELY LOST THE WILL TO LIVE.

[all gasping]

DON'T JUMP, DONALD. WE LOVE YOU, AND WE HATE CHRIS.

THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

YOU BETTER GET UP THERE AND TAKE CARE OF THIS

BEFORE SOMETHING GRISLY HAPPENS.

I DON'T NEED MY PROPERTY VALUES DROPPING.

DAD, COME ON, WHY SHOULD I LIFT A FINGER TO HELP HIM?

GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON.

BECAUSE YOUR RELATIVES ARE ON THE VERGE OF MURDERING YOU.

WE'RE GOIN' TO KILL YOU!

[all clamoring]

WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

OK. ALL RIGHT, DONALD.

[people chattering]

DON'T COME ANY CLOSER, OR I'LL JUMP.

[all gasping]

OK, OK, DON'T GET YOUR PANTIES IN AN UPROAR, OK?

[grunts]

YOU KNOW, DONALD,

I HAVE TO HAND IT TO YOU.

THIS LITTLE ODE TO BILLY JOE CRAP IS A REAL CROWD PLEASER.

YOU THINK I'M DOING THIS FOR ATTENTION, HUH?

WELL, WE'LL SEE WHAT YOU THINK

WHEN YOUR OLD MAN HAS TO SHOVEL ME OFF HIS PATIO.

YOU KNOW, DONALD,

AS A LIVING, BREATHING, HUMAN BEING

WITH A CONSCIENCE,

I FEEL IT'S MY DUTY

TO TRY AND PREVENT YOU FROM JUMPING TO YOUR BLOODY DEATH.

BUT THEN AGAIN, AS YOUR LESS-SUCCESSFUL COUSIN

WHO'S ALWAYS HATED YOUR STINKING GUTS,

I JUST WANT TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU'RE AN ADULT,

FREE TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO, SO...

FINALLY, I'LL BE FREE FROM THIS COLD, HEARTLESS, DEMANDING WORLD.

YEAH.

FREE FROM BANK PAYMENTS, I.R.S. AUDITS,

AND, YES, PATERNITY SUITS.

DONALD, PLEASE, LET'S NOT GET CARRIED AWAY.

COME ON, THE ONLY WOMEN YOU EVER GOT

CAME IN A BOX WITH A VOLLEYBALL PUMP.

WELL...

THIS IS IT.

GOODBYE, COUSIN.

[women shouting]

[all gasping]

I DROPPED MY HOTDOG.

I DROPPED MY HOTDOG.

I'M ABOUT TO CRY LIKE A 6-MONTH-OLD BABY GIRL.

[crying] SHUT UP, YOU IDIOT.

HERE, TAKE MINE.

IT TASTES LIKE CRAP ANYWAY.

DONALD, DONALD, DON'T DO IT.

YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.

YOU HAVE FAMILY AND... AND FRIENDS THAT CARE FOR YOU.

YOU-YOU'VE GOT MELON CUSTOMERS THAT,

THAT WANT TO BUY MELONS FROM YOU.

AND... AND YOU'VE GOT A GREAT USED CAR THAT,

WELL, THAT'S MYSTERIOUSLY GONNA STINK IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

DONALD, DON'T JUMP.

OK. I WON'T.

DID YOU HEAR THAT, EVERYONE?

I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT.

[all exclaiming]

WELL, THANK YOU. THANK YOU ALL VERY, VERY MUCH.

WHEW, BOY, IT WAS TOUCH-AND-GO UP HERE FOR A BIT,

BUT WE GOT THROUGH IT. EVERYONE'S OK.

JUST CALL ME MR. CRISIS INTERVENTION.

[laughs]

WELL, I'LL BE DOWN IN A COUPLE OF SECONDS

AND YOU'RE ALL FREE TO LINE UP AND KISS MY HEROIC BUTT.

[laughs]

I DID IT. I DID IT. I'M A BIG HERO.

I SAVED THE DAY. I'M A HERO.

LOOK AT ME, DONALD, I'M SHAKIN' IT FOR YOU, HONEY.

I DID IT. OH!

[crashing]

(Sid) HEY, HE DID IT.

HE ACTUALLY BROKE THAT BLOCK OF ICE WITH HIS HEAD.

WELL, THANK YOU. THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL.

HEH, I TOLD YOU I COULD DO IT.

AND... AND NOW FOR YOUR ADDED ENJOYMENT,

MY TRADEMARK LOSS OF CONSCIOUSNESS.

(Molly) TECHNICALLY HE ONLY DID IT 'CAUSE DONALD WAS HERE.