Original subtitles

[mumbling]

HEY, DAD, WHAT'S THE FIRST LINE TO OCTOPUS'S GARDEN?

ISN'T IT SOMETHING LIKE, "HEY, LITTLE OCTOPUS, DEEP IN THE OCEAN,

"YOU HAVE A PRETTY GARDEN,

CAN I BORROW SOME LOTION?"

SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH.

I THINK THAT'S HOW THEY SANG IT IN BEATLEMANIA.

WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

IT'S ALL PART OF MY ON-GOING CURIOSITY

AND FASCINATION WITH MARINE LIFE AND OCEANOGRAPHY.

OH, WHAT BROUGHT UP YOUR SUDDEN INTEREST IN THAT SUBJECT, DEAR?

HAVE YOU BEEN SPENDING TIME IN THE LIBRARY?

NO. OF COURSE NOT, MA.

IT'S JUST THAT THEY'VE BEEN RERUNNING SEA HUNT ON CABLE RECENTLY.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT SEA HUNT WAS A SHOW FOR MORONS.

WELL, TODAY'S THE BIG DAY.

I FINALLY HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY A MR. UNDERWATER WATCH.

WHY DO YOU WANT ONE OF THOSE? YOU CAN BARELY SWIM.

AND YOU'RE AFRAID OF THE WATER.

DON'T YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND?

THE OCEAN IS A STATE OF MIND.

ONE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE IN IT TO APPRECIATE IT.

FROM THE TIME WE FIRST CRAWLED OUT

OF THE BLUE SALT WATER AS MONKEYS,

TO THE TIME WE HARNESSED ITS POWER ON SURFBOARDS,

MAN HAS ALWAYS STRIVED

TO BECOME ONE WITH THE OCEAN.

BESIDES I JUST THINK IT WOULD BE KIND OF NEAT

TO HAVE A WATCH I CAN WEAR INTO THE SHOWER.

I BETTER GET GOING.

THE TRANSISTOR HUT OPENS AT 10:00.

AND AFTER MY EXPERIENCE WITH THE MENUDO TICKETS LAST WEEK,

I KNOW HOW THINGS SELL OUT EARLY. BYE.

[kissing]

CAN WE TRY AND START SLEEPING IN IN THE MORNING

SO WE MISS HIM ALTOGETHER?

�[Stand by R.E.M. playing]

[bicycle bell ringing]

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU ARE �

� SO STAND

PLEASE, SIR, WHY CAN'T I EXCHANGE THIS WATCH

FOR ONE THAT WORKS?

LOOK, KID, I CAN'T EXCHANGE ANY ITEM

THAT WAS OBVIOUSLY ABUSED BY THE CUSTOMER.

BUT I JUST GAVE IT TO MY MOM THIS MORNING

FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

AND IT BROKE WHEN SHE TRIED TO WIND IT.

HERE'S MY RECEIPT.

LOOK, HONEY, I DON'T CARE IF YOU WAVE THE MAGNA CARTA IN MY FACE.

I HAVE A POLICY AGAINST LOITERING.

[sobbing]

[sniffling]

TELL YOUR OLD LADY I SAID HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

UM,

EXCUSE ME, SIR, COULD YOU TELL ME

WHY THAT LITTLE GIRL JUST LEFT YOUR STORE IN TEARS?

OH, SHE JUST REMEMBERED

THAT HER, UH, DOG HAD TO HAVE AN OPERATION.

[sniffling]

[quavering] IS HE GONNA BE OK?

IT'S PROBABLY JUST A MINOR TONSILLECTOMY.

[sighs]

THAT'S A RELIEF.

WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU TODAY?

WELL, UH, ACCORDING TO YOUR AD HERE,

YOU HAVE A MR. UNDERWATER WATCH FOR SALE

AND I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO PURCHASE THAT WATCH.

NOW, BEFORE YOU GIVE ME

ONE OF YOUR LITTLE TAP-DANCE BAIT AND SWITCH SPEECHES,

LET ME JUST TELL YOU RIGHT NOW I WANT THIS WATCH AND THIS WATCH ONLY.

MY MIND IS MADE UP.

THIS IS THE WATCH I WANT. I WON'T TAKE ANY SUBSTITUTES. THAT'S IT.

TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME. THAT'S IT.

POOR PIP. BYE-BYE, MISS AMERICAN PIE.

FINE. I'LL SELL YOU THE WATCH. IT'S A PIECE OF JUNK.

REALLY? WELL, WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE?

I GOT JUST THE WATCH FOR YOU.

BY THE WAY THE NAME'S VIC. I OWN THIS PLACE.

OH, HELLO, VIC, I'M CHRIS PETERSON,

AND I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY IT'S A RELIEF THAT YOU'RE WAITING ON ME

INSTEAD OF SOME SLICK SALESCLERK WHO MIGHT RIP ME OFF.

[snickering]

I'M SORRY, IS THERE A PROBLEM, SIR?

NO, IT'S JUST A LITTLE CONGESTION.

(Vic) CHRIS? YEAH.

CAN I CALL YOU CHRIS? PLEASE.

I'M ABOUT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE I CAN TELL BY YOUR FACE

THAT YOU'RE THE KIND OF GUY THAT APPRECIATES QUALITY.

NOW WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SHOW YOU, CHRIS,

MIGHT OVERWHELM YOU AT FIRST,

BUT I WANT YOU TO KEEP IN MIND

YOU'RE SEEING THE FINEST TIMEPIECE MADE IN THE WORLD.

A CHRONOSYNC.

WOW. A CHRONO...

A CHRONOSYNC. YEAH.

IT'S NOT JUST A CHRONOSYNC. THAT'S A CHRONOSYNC 2000.

THAT IS THE CADILLAC OF UNDERWATER WATCHES.

HMM.

GO AHEAD, TRY IT ON.

BOY. OH!

OH. OH.

IT'S SO GAY AND COLORFUL-LOOKING.

BUT IS IT RUGGED?

YEAH, SURE IT'S, UH, GAY AND RUGGED.

IN FACT, THAT IS THE SLOGAN

THAT THEY'RE GOING USE IN THEIR ADVERTISING.

[snickering]

I-I'M SORRY. CAN I GET YOU A LOZENGE OR SOMETHING?

NO, I'M FINE.

NOW IT'S STOPPED TICKING. NOW, IS THAT A BAD SIGN?

NO. IT'S KNOWN AS A TAP WATCH.

YOU JUST... YOU TAP IT NOW AND THEN TO GET IT STARTED,

AND THAT KEEPS IT FROM BURNING ITSELF OUT BY RUNNING CONSTANTLY.

WHAT A NOVEL IDEA.

[laughs]

BOY. WELL, NOW MY MAJOR CONSIDERATION.

EL PRICEROONIE.

I DON'T KNOW THAT I CAN AFFORD A CHRONOSYNC.

I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU, CHRIS.

LIKE I TOLD YOU BEFORE, THIS WATCH AIN'T A TOY. IT'S A CADILLAC.

WHAT DID I JUST SAY, CHRIS?

"THIS WATCH AIN'T A TOY. IT'S A CADILLAC."

(Vic) THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHO WEARS A WATCH LIKE THAT? NEIL ARMSTRONG.

YOU KNOW WHO ALSO WEARS A WATCH LIKE THAT

IS THE GUY ON THE NEWS THAT GOT BEAT UP THAT TIME.

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

RATHER. RATHER. DAN RATHER.

HE WEARS WATCH LIKE THAT. PRETTY GOOD COMPANY.

YEAH.

CHRIS, THE BOTTOM LINE IS IT'S $100.

NOW THAT'S $50 MORE THAN THE PIECE OF JUNK YOU WANTED ORIGINALLY.

BUT WE'VE GOT A SAYING AROUND HERE:

IF YOU WANT A PIECE OF JUNK, YOU GO TO A JUNKYARD.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S REALLY QUITE BEAUTIFUL.

HMM, I'M REALLY NOT SURE I WANNA RUSH INTO SOMETHING THOUGH.

DID I ALSO MENTION THAT THAT IS THE LAST ONE?

I'VE GOT ANOTHER CUSTOMER COMING IN IN A LITTLE WHILE TO SEE...

OK, IT'S SOLD. GREAT.

(Vic) YOUR TOTAL IS $118.

OK.

AND THERE'S $118 ON THE NOSE.

HOW GREAT.

WELL, THAT'S INTERESTING. I DIDN'T REALIZE SALES TAX WAS 18%.

WELL, WHY DO YOU THINK THE GOVERNOR LIVES IN A MANSION?

[snickering]

YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK THAT WAS HIM THIS TIME.

I THINK THAT WAS THE AIR CONDITIONING.

THANK YOU.

[knocking on door]

MA, DAD, YOU'RE EARLY. YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO GET HERE TILL 3:00.

IT'S AFTER 3:00.

OH, YEAH. MY WATCH WAS RESTING AGAIN.

ISN'T THAT NEAT, DAD?

A WATCH THAT PERIODICALLY SHUTS ITSELF DOWN

SO IT WON'T OVERHEAT.

AW, LOOK OUT. THAT MAY BE GIVING OFF RADIATION.

HONEY, ARE YOU SURE THEY DIDN'T SELL YOU A BAD WATCH?

MA, PLEASE, THIS IS A CHRONOSYNC.

IT'S THE CADILLAC OF WATCHES.

ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT THE DODGE DART OF WATCHES?

VERY FUNNY.

NOW IF WE'RE ALL DONE WITH OUR LITTLE WITTY JABS,

LET US NOW GET ON WITH THE BUSINESS AT HAND.

CHRISTENING MY NEW MR. UNDERWATER WATCH.

LET IT NOW BE WRITTEN THAT ON THIS DAY

AT 3:05 P.M....

IT'S 3:15.

AT 3:15 P.M.,

CHRIS PETERSON ENTERED HIS SHOWER FOR THE FIRST TIME

WEARING A WATER-RESISTANT TIMEPIECE STRAPPED TO HIS WRIST.

FOR TIME HAS ALWAYS BEEN OF GREAT IMPORTANCE TO MAN.

GOING BACK TO THE FABLED SUNDIAL, WHEN MAN FIRST THOUGHT, PERHAPS...

GET ON WITH IT, CHRIS.

I'M MISSING WHEEL OF FORTUNE FOR THIS.

OK, OK. MOM, DAD, HERE I GO.

�[scatting]

THIS IS MORE EXCITING THAN WHEN WE DROVE OUT TO SNAKE RIVER CANYON

FOR THAT EVEL KNIEVEL THING.

HMM.

[Chris yelling]

OH, LOOK, LOOK. IT'S RUINED.

IT'S RUINED.

(Gladys) IT'S STARTING TO DISSOLVE LIKE A SLIVER OF SOAP.

BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

THIS IS A CHRONOSYNC. GAY YET RUGGED.

WATER-RESISTANT UP TO A 1000 FEET AND IT COST...

IT COST...

OH, GOD. OH, GOD.

MOM, DAD, I DON'T WANT TO SHOCK YOU WITH HORRIFYING NEWS.

BUT YOUR LITTLE CHRISSY HAS JUST BEEN RIPPED OFF.

HEY, I THINK THAT JUST CAME IN OVER THE NEWS SERVICE.

[huffing]

WELL, NO ONE TAKES ADVANTAGE OF YOURS TRULY

AND GETS AWAY WITH IT.

I'M GOING BACK TO THAT DEN OF THIEVES

AND I'M GETTIN' EVERY CENT OF MY MONEY BACK.

PROBABLY.

CAN I HAVE A LITTLE PRIVACY, PLEASE?

JEEZ.

EXCUSE ME. MMM-HMM.

OK, YOU THIEVING PIRATES. DROP YOUR CLOCKS AND GRAB YOU SOCKS

'CAUSE I'M BACK TO SETTLE A SCORE.

YOU WANNA SHUT THE DOOR, GUY?

YOU'RE LETTIN' OUT ALL THE HEAT.

OH, SORRY.

[bell tinkling]

I WANNA TALK TO VIC, AND I WANNA TALK TO VIC NOW.

HE AIN'T HERE.

OK, FINE. SINCE YOUR HUCKSTER BOSS ISN'T AROUND,

PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO ME. HMM?

EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THIS, "THE CADILLAC OF UNDERWATER WATCHES,"

WAS RUINED BY A SIMPLE 3-SECOND ESCAPADE IN MY SHOWER.

LOOK, HERE'S MY RECEIPT. I WANT MY MONEY BACK NOW.

HOP TO IT.

KID, THE POPE WILL OPEN HIS OWN CARWASH

BEFORE I GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY BACK.

TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO JUST SO THERE'S NO HARD FEELINGS.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THIS LIGHT UP DUCK CAP FOR FREE.

[sighs]

AS HUMPHREY BOGART SAID IN THE AFRICAN QUEEN:

"YOU CAN'T BUY MY SILENCE WITH A STINKING LIGHT UP DUCK HAT."

I WANT MY MONEY BACK AND I WANT IT BACK NOW.

FORGET IT.

OK, FINE.

I WASN'T GONNA DO THIS, BUT YOU'VE LEFT ME NO CHOICE.

AT THIS POINT I SHALL DROP MY PANTS

IN PROTEST OF THE SHODDY BUSINESS PRACTICES OF THIS STORE.

AND I SHALL NOT REPANT MYSELF

UNTIL ALL MY MONEY HAS BEEN CHEERFULLY REFUNDED.

HEY, HEY, HEY, PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON. THIS AIN'T NEW ORLEANS.

I'M SORRY, PAL. GET USED TO IT.

THIS IS CALLED "MAKIN' A SCENE."

I WANT MY MONEY BACK.

I HATE THIS STORE. I HATE THIS STORE.

I WANT MY MONEY BACK.

KNOCK IT OFF, YOU CREEP!

I HATE THIS STORE. I HATE THIS...

WHAT THE HELL'S GOIN' ON HERE?

OFFICER, ARREST THIS LUNATIC.

HE'S A DISGRACE TO THE PROFESSION OF RETAIL ELECTRONICS.

ALL RIGHT, PAL, LET'S GO.

HEY, WAIT A SECOND, YOU CAN'T ARREST ME.

I'M STAGING A PROTEST HERE LIKE GANDHI USED TO DO.

GANDHI KEPT HIS PANTS ON.

ACTUALLY HE WORE A DHOTI,

WHICH IS THE TRADITIONAL INDIAN GARB, AND HE OFTEN WORE...

(Owen) MR. PETERSON, ONCE AGAIN,

WHY WERE YOU DANCING AROUND IN AN ELECTRONICS STORE

IN YOUR UNDERWEAR?

LISTEN, OFFICER SMART-ASS.

I DON'T DROP MY PANTS AT THE DROP OF A HAT.

I HAVE TO BE PUSHED PRETTY FAR

BEFORE I MAKE A PROFOUND STATEMENT LIKE THAT.

LOOK, SWEETHEART, YOU WANT TO TAKE A COUPLE OF DEEP BREATHS

AND THEN SLOWLY EXPLAIN TO US

JUST WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT?

YOU WANT A DRINK OR SOMETHING?

OH, YES, THAT WOULD BE LOVELY. YOU'RE A DEAR.

I WOULD LIKE, UH, A LITTLE ICED CAPPUCCINO,

AND, UH, MAYBE A PEACH DANISH,

AND, UH, PERHAPS A LITTLE PEPITOS SAUCE

JUST ON THE SIDE WOULD BE LOVELY.

GET THE JERK A CUP OF WATER.

OK, HERE IS THE STORY IN A CLAM SHELL.

BOY SAVES UP FOR UNDERWATER WATCH.

BOY BUYS UNDERWATER WATCH.

BOY TAKES UNDERWATER WATCH INTO THE SHOWER.

BOY SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL WHEN THE WATCH IS RUINED.

BOY'S STARTING TO GET ON DETECTIVE'S NERVES.

PLEASE.

[clears throat]

STORE REFUSES TO REFUND BOY'S MONEY.

BOY TAKES OFF HIS PANTS.

BOY IS ARRESTED BY GOON SQUAD.

THE END. SLEEP TIGHT. PLEASANT DREAMS.

[sighs]

MR. PETERSON, CAN WE BE, UH, PERFECTLY BLUNT WITH YOU?

OH, PLEASE. BLUNT AWAY.

THE ESTABLISHMENT YOU DROPPED YOUR PANTS IN, MR. PETERSON,

HAS BEEN UNDER SURVEILLANCE FOR SOME TIME NOW.

WE KNOW THEY'VE BEEN SELLING COUNTERFEIT MERCHANDISE.

EVERYTHING FROM CHRONOSYNC WATCHES TO MAINE LOBSTERS.

COUNTERFEIT SEAFOOD? HUH.

WHY THOSE UNSCRUPULOUS BASTARDS.

THE STORE ITSELF IS SMALL POTATOES.

WHAT WE'RE REALLY AFTER IS THEIR SUPPLIER.

THE BIG POTATO?

RIGHT.

UNFORTUNATELY, HE RARELY SHOWS HIS FACE

UNLESS HE'S MAKING A BIG DELIVERY.

NOW, IF WE HAD THE PROPER BAIT I THINK WE COULD CATCH HIM.

BUT SO FAR HE'S MANAGED TO ELUDE US.

THAT'S A BUMMER.

HUH.

[tongue clicking]

[imitating squawking]

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING? HE'S PERFECT.

NO ONE WOULD SUSPECT SOMEONE AS GOOFY-LOOKING AS HIM.

NO, WE CAN'T. IT'S TOO DANGEROUS.

THE KID COULD GET KILLED.

OH, SURE. I MEAN, THERE'S AN OUTSIDE CHANCE,

BUT I DON'T THINK THE WORLD WOULD STOP SPINNING.

BUT THE OUTSIDE CHANCE IS TOO...

HELLO, EXCUSE ME. I'M STILL HERE YOU KNOW. JEEZ.

MR. PETERSON,

HOW'D YOU LIKE TO BE PART OF AN UNDERCOVER STING OPERATION?

ARE YOU KIDDING? YEAH, SURE. GREAT.

I'LL DO ANYTHING TO CATCH THOSE SCOUNDRELS THAT TOOK ME FOR A RIDE.

I'M IN, BOYS. CONSIDER ME YOUR BAIT.

I'M LIKE A PIECE OF CHEESE WAITING IN THE TRAP

FOR MONSIEUR MOUSE TO COME AND PARTAKE OF MY RICH SMOKEY FLAVOR.

WE'RE LOOKING AT A DEAD MAN.

HELLO, TRANSISTOR HUT? VIC?

HI, CHRIS PETERSON.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS AFTERNOON?

[chuckling]

OH, SO YOU HEARD ABOUT MY LITTLE INDISCRETION TODAY, HUH?

SORRY ABOUT THAT, VIC. 2 WORDS, SUGAR RUSH.

[laughs]

YEAH, I JUST HAD 2 CANDIES AND A... A CHOCOLATE-COVERED PEANUT.

[laughs]

YEAH, VIC, I'M REALLY SORRY, I LOVE THE WATCH.

IN FACT, IT'S WORKING PERFECTLY NOW.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'VE DECIDED TO BUY 3000 MORE

FOR ALL MY NEWSPAPER BOYS.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GONNA HAVE TO INSIST ON DELIVERY TO MY HOME

[coughing] BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I'M NURSING THE GRIPPE

[coughing]

AND I CAN'T GO OUTSIDE.

[chuckles]

OH, YOU'D HAVE TO GO THROUGH YOUR SUPPLIER FOR AN ORDER THAT LARGE. HMM.

[inaudible]

WELL, BRING HIM ALONG. YEAH, GREAT. THE MORE THE MERRIER.

[chuckles]

OK, I LOVE YOU. BYE-BYE.

[sighs]

[imitating squawking]

OK, WE'RE ALL SET.

NOW, MR. PETERSON, LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY.

THE WIRING WE'VE DONE UP HERE IN YOUR LITTLE TREE HOUSE

IS VERY PRECISE AND VERY DELICATE.

THAT'S THE CAMERA RIGHT OVER THERE.

NOW, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TOUCH OR MOVE ANYTHING. YOU GOT THAT?

[quivering]

BUT WHAT IF I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM?

I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT THE BATHROOM.

OH, THAT'S A RELIEF, 'CAUSE I'VE A BLADDER LIKE A HAMSTER.

OK, GUYS, LET'S MOVE OUT.

GOOD LUCK, MR. PETERSON.

THANK YOU.

REMEMBER THIS IS A VERY DANGEROUS OPERATION.

THE LAST THING WE NEED IS ANOTHER DEAD CIVILIAN ON OUR HANDS.

YEAH, YEAH. SO, DO I HAVE TIME

TO RUN TO THE 7-ELEVEN FOR A PEPPERMINT PATTY?

NO. JUST STAY PUT AND GET READY.

BOY.

JEEZ, HE'S LIKE A LITTLE SNAPPING TURTLE.

OH, GREAT, THE PROFESSIONALS.

[laughs]

THERE'S A LITTLE THING CALLED ELECTRICAL FIRES, BOYS.

I GUESS THEY DIDN'T TEACH YOU ABOUT THAT ONE.

STUPID, FLATFOOTED, FUZZ,

(Chris) PIGS WITH THEIR FAT, UGLY WIVES

THAT THEY TRY TO MAKE LOVE TO

UNSUCCESSFULLY EVERY NIGHT AFTER THEY COME HOME

FROM AN EVENING WITH THEIR PROSTITUTE GIRLFRIENDS,

AND A DAY OF COLLECTING GRAFT AND BEATING UP OLD LADY JAYWALKERS.

MR. PETERSON? YES.

WE CAN HEAR EVERYTHING YOU'RE SAYING.

OH. OH.

[titters]

WELL I WAS JUST READING FROM TODAY'S FAMILY CIRCUS COMIC OUT LOUD.

[knocking on door]

OH, HUH, OK.

OK. OK. THIS IS IT. THIS IS IT.

LET'S GET IT ON.

HI, GUYS. WELCOME TO MY STING. I MEAN, MY STINK.

I MEAN... I MEAN, MY... MY STINKING ROOM.

VIC, WE'RE GETTING TO BE OLD CHUMS, AREN'T WE?

LET'S NOT PUSH IT. HERE'S YOUR PANTS.

OH, THANK YOU. MERCI.

WHO'S YOUR LITTLE FRIEND, VIC?

UH, THIS IS, UM, TOM.

HOW YOU DOIN'?

WELL, HOW YOU DOIN', TOM?

TOM? AS IN, UH, AS IN TOMMY?

UH, AS IS THE PINBALL WIZARD?

WE GONNA GET THE MONEY OR NOT? I'M A BUSY MAN.

YEAH, I GOT THE MONEY.

YOU GOT THE WATCHES?

I GOT THE WATCHES.

BUT FIRST I GOTTA SEE THE CASH.

OH, I SEE, SO IT'S ONE OF THOSE

"I'LL SHOW YOU MINE IF YOU SHOW ME YOURS FIRST" THINGS, HUH?

WOULD YOU CUT THE CRAP?

(Vic) CAN WE GET SOME BUSINESS HERE OR NOT?

OK. ALL RIGHT. I'M COOL. I'M COOL.

I'M COOLED WITH IT, DADDY-O. OK, EVERYONE'S COOL. COOL-OH.

I AM GONNA KILL HIM.

GIVE HIM THE MONEY, YOU MORON.

DON'T CALL ME A MORON.

WHAT IS IT WITH THIS GUY?

HE'S STARTING TO MAKE ME NERVOUS.

HEY, HE'S NOT SOME KIND OF PSYCHO, IS HE?

WHAT'S IN YOUR EAR THERE, COWBOY?

OH, UH, HEH, HEH,

I SEE YOU'VE NOTICED MY, UH, HEARING AID/

UH, RADIO/ UH, SPORTS ANNOUNCING THING...

UH-OH. OH. CASSIUS CLAY'S OUT.

UH, HE'S BEEN K.O.'ED BY ARNOLD PALMER IN THE 4TH QUARTER.

(Richardson) YOU DUMBASS.

WHAT?

GET AWAY FROM THERE!

OH, OK,

ALL RIGHT.

AS SIR MONTY HALL USED TO SAY:

"LET US NOW MAKE A DEAL, SQUIRES."

HI, HONEY, LOOK WHAT I MADE, SOME FUDGE.

OH, HI, MA. GREAT FUDGE.

WHO WANTS FUDGE?

I'M GONNA STRANGLE HIM!

AREN'T YOU, UH, GOING TO INTRODUCE US

TO YOUR SLEAZY-LOOKING FRIENDS?

SURE, DAD.

UH, THIS IS TOM AND VIC. WE'RE DOING A LITTLE BUSINESS TOGETHER.

HOW CUTE. ARE YOU TWO PAPERBOYS?

NO, MA'AM.

THAT'S ONE HELL OF A LEATHER JACKET.

YOU MAY THINK IT'S CLASSY, BUT IT MAKES YOU LOOK CHEAP, BOY.

[inaudible]

GET THEM THE HELL OUT OF THERE, NOW.

OH, OK, WELL, THANK YOU FOR THE FASHION REVIEW, DAD.

I'VE BEEN TOLD IT'S TIME TO GET YOU THE HELL OUT OF HERE NOW.

SO THANK YOU FOR STOPPING BY. OFF YOU GO.

OK. WATCH THE STEPS. SEE YOU AT BREAKFAST. BYE-BYE.

[sighs]

LOOK, KID, YOU'VE GOT 30 SECONDS TO MAKE THIS DEAL,

OR I'M OUTTA HERE.

OK. OK. LET'S DO IT.

COME ON OVER, TOM.

WHY DON'T YOU SIT RIGHT THERE ON THE SOFA.

AND, VIC, YOU COME ON OVER HERE

AND YOU HAVE A SEAT RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR BUDDY TOM.

AND MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE AND JUST FOR ME, VIC,

WHY DON'T YOU JUST POSITION YOUR BODY THAT WAY? THAT'D BE GREAT.

LET ME JUST FIX THAT FOR YOU.

OK AND, TOM, YOU'RE RIGHT THERE.

HERE WE GO, I'VE GOT THE MONEY.

ALL RIGHT NOW.

[sighs]

LET'S SEE, HERE'S MY MONEY.

NOW LET'S LOOK AT ALL THOSE WATCHES, HUH?

[chuckles]

WOW. LOOK AT ALL THESE WATCHES

THAT I JUST PAID FOR.

[laughs]

MOVE, YOU JERK. YOU'RE BLOCKING THE CAMERA.

WHAT?

GET YOUR BUTT OUTTA THE CAMERA, WE MISSED EVERYTHING!

OH. OH, JEEZ.

OH, OH, UH, UM...

HEY, TOM? YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE A FUN IDEA?

WHY DON'T I JUST GIVE YOU THIS MONEY BACK

AND THEN YOU GIVE ME THE WATCHES BACK?

WE CAN PRETEND IT'S KIND OF LIKE AN INSTANT REPLAY?

LIKE A LITTLE SKIT?

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WAIT A MINUTE HERE.

WHAT?

OK, GUYS, BEFORE YOU JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS,

I HAVE TO WEAR A CONCEALED POLICE MICROPHONE

FOR MEDICAL REASONS.

[quavering]

[inaudible]

VIC, CHECK THIS OUT. I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

THE DORK. HE SET US UP!

ALL RIGHT, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT.

WE'RE IN THE CLEAR HERE. HE'S GOT THE CASH.

WE'RE NOT HOLDIN' ANYTHING.

THE MERCHANDISE IS SAFE IN HERE.

THEY CAN'T OPEN IT WITHOUT A WARRANT.

MAN. YOU KNOW THE LAW, JOHN-JOHN.

HEY, I'VE GOT A FUNNY IDEA.

COME ON DOWN HERE TOM..

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS TAKE THIS MONEY BACK JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT.

GO AHEAD, TAKE IT BACK AND I'LL TAKE THIS BACK.

COME ON, WOULDN'T THAT SIMPLY BE DAFFY IF WE DID THAT?

OH.

[sighing]

BYE-BYE, BOYS.

NO!

HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW THOSE CAME IN ALL THOSE COLORS.

OK, SCUMBAGS. UP AGAINST THE WALL.

LET'S GO, MOVE IT. MOVE.

KEEP YOUR HANDS UP.

NOT YOU, PETERSON. THE OTHER SCUMBAGS.

(Vic) WHAT'S THE HASSLE, MAN? WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

OH, YEAH? WHAT ARE THESE?

PARTY FAVORS?

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,

WE'VE GOT YOU FOR DESTROYING A POLICE CAMERA.

FOR THAT ALONE YOU'RE LOOKIN' AT 60 YEARS, PAL.

ACTUALLY, THE GOOD NEWS IS I THINK IT'S JUST SCRATCHED.

I DON'T THINK IT'S REALLY BROKEN.

(Richardson) SHUT UP.

OK, MEN, TIME TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE.

[chattering]

WHOO.

WELL, MR. SCREAM-IN-MY-EAR- ALL-NIGHT.

IT WAS A LITTLE TOUCH-AND-GO THERE FOR A BIT,

BUT, UH, THANKS TO MY PATENTED LITTLE TRIP-TRAP HERE,

WE MANAGED TO CAPTURE A COUPLE OF BAD APPLES TONIGHT.

WELL, EVEN THOUGH MY METHODS WERE A LITTLE UNCONVENTIONAL

AND MAY HAVE RATTLED YOU AT TIMES,

I... I THINK YOU HAVE TO AGREE THAT IN THE END THEY WERE QUITE EFFECTIVE.

BUT YOU KNOW, I WANT TO COMMEND YOU ON YOUR PROFESSIONALISM...

[sighing]

BECAUSE I, FOR ONE, FEEL SAFER AT NIGHT

KNOWING THAT MEN LIKE YOU ARE OUT THERE TO PROTECT MEN LIKE ME.

[gun firing]

[Chris groaning]