Original subtitles

HEY, LOOK, LARRY.

LOOK AT THIS, IT'S AN INDIAN HEAD QUARTER.

THAT'S GOT TO BE WORTH A FORTUNE.

CHRIS, THERE'S NO INDIAN HEAD QUARTERS.

THAT'S GEORGE WASHINGTON.

OK, MR. NEUMISMATIC, THEN EXPLAIN THE HEADDRESS?

IT'S A PONYTAIL.

OH, WOW.

WELL, THIS HAS TO BE RARE THEN.

GEORGE WASHINGTON DRESSED UP AS A WOMAN.

WHAT ELSE IS IN HERE?

LOOK AT THIS, LARRY.

[chuckles]

IT'S AN OLD PLAYBOY MAGAZINE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, BUDDY?

THIS IS A LITTLE GIFT FROM ME TO YOU

BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED TO SHARON

AND PROBABLY NEED IT A LITTLE MORE THAN I DO.

AHA. I KNEW IT. HERE IT IS.

THE BEATLES DID DO HEY JUDE.

[chuckles] PAY UP.

JEEZ, I COULD HAVE SWORN IT WAS PETER & GORDON.

WHAT'S THIS?

LOOK, LARRY,

IT'S A PICTURE OF ME AS A BABY WITH A COUPLE OF PILGRIMS.

CHRIS, THEY'RE NOT PILGRIMS, THEY'RE AMISH.

AMISH?

WELL, I... I DON'T EVER REMEMBER MEETING ANY AMISH PEOPLE

WHEN I WAS 1.

WHAT ELSE IS IN HERE?

JUST A COUPLE OF PICTURES AND THIS, A RECEIPT.

LET ME SEE THIS.

"ONE BABY...

"BOY EMMETT.

10, 0, 0, 0."

LARRY, LARRY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

NO, BUT I HAVE A FEELING YOU HAVE SOME STUPID THEORY.

LARRY, ALL THE PIECES OF THE PUZZLE ARE THERE.

PUT 'EM TOGETHER.

AND IT'S NOT ONE OF THOSE DIFFICULT PUZZLES EITHER,

LIKE... LIKE, THE KITTEN WITH THE MARBLES.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYIN'?

I'M SAYIN' THAT THE PETERSONS BOUGHT ME FROM AN AMISH COUPLE

FOR $10,000 ON THE BLACK MARKET.

THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.

LARRY, IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE ANY BROTHERS

OR... OR ANY SISTERS.

THEY WERE TOO CHEAP TO BUY ANY MORE.

LARRY, LOOK. LOOK AT DADDY. I'M HIS SPITTING IMAGE.

CHRIS, YOU LOOK NOTHING LIKE THIS GUY.

WELL, COME ON, YOU MAKE HIS BEARD A LITTLE BLONDER,

YOU TAKE AWAY THE BLACK UNSTYLISH CLOTHING,

GIVE HIM SOME SNAPPY SPORTSWEAR FROM BANANA REPUBLIC

AND YOU GOT ME. CHRIS, THIS IS CRAZY.

I'M NOT CHRIS.

I'M EMMETT.

A HEALTHY WHITE AMISH BABY

SOLD TO A COUPLE OF TWO-BIT CARPETBAGGERS.

LARRY, I'M ADOPTED. HOLD ME.

�[Stand by R.E.M. playing]

[bicycle bell ringing]

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU ARE �

� SO STAND

WELL, I FINALLY KNOW THE TRUTH,

MR. AND MRS. PETERSON.

I KNOW I'M GONNA REGRET THIS QUESTION, GLADYS,

BUT, JUST WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT, CHRIS?

WELL, FOR OPENERS,

YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOTHER AND FATHER.

OK, FOR CLOSERS THEN.

HOW CAVALIER, HOW LAISSEZ-FAIRE,

HOW PLOOKIE PLOK.

HONEY, WE'D NEVER BE PLOOKIE PLOK WITH YOU.

OH, MA, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP A FRONT FOR ME ANY LONGER.

THOSE DAYS ARE GONE, LONG FORGOTTEN.

LIKE MY SIZE 4 UNDERPANTS.

I NOW KNOW THE HIDEOUS, UGLY, TRAGIC TRUTH.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I FOUND OUT

THAT I'M ADOPTED.

[sobbing]

ARE YOU NUTS, BOY?

OH, DON'T TRY TO DENY IT, MR. PETERSON.

IT'S OBVIOUS WE LOOK NOTHING ALIKE.

OH, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.

FOR BETTER OR WORSE, WE'RE MIRROR IMAGES.

OH, YEAH. I BELIEVE THAT.

AND I GUESS SCOTT THORSON WAS BORN

LOOKING EXACTLY LIKE LIBERACE.

LOOK, IT'S OBVIOUS THAT YOU'VE HAD EXTENSIVE PLASTIC SURGERY

TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK MORE LIKE ME.

GOD, DAD, THAT'S FIENDISH.

CHRIS, HAVEN'T WE WARNED YOU

TO ALWAYS CRACK A WINDOW WHEN YOU USE MAGIC MARKERS?

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M EVEN TALKING TO YOU.

YOU'RE MY LANDLORD.

OUR CONVERSATIONS SHOULD BE LIMITED TO STUFF LIKE,

"HERE IS MY RENT CHECK, SIR.

"MY SINK IS STILL BROKEN.

GOOD MORROW TO YOU."

CHRIS, DON'T BE AN ASS, WE'RE YOUR PARENTS.

LYING IS ONLY GONNA MAKE IT WORSE, MA.

BUT THEN AGAIN, I GUESS,

MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE, HASN'T IT?

ALL THAT MATTERS NOW IS THAT YOU ADMIT IT.

COME ON, DAD. BE A MAN. ADMIT IT.

DEAR, THERE'S NOTHING TO ADMIT.

TO... TO EMMETT? EMMETT.

YOU... YOU JUST CALLED ME EMMETT.

NO YOU DID. I HEARD YOU. I HEAD EMMETT.

CLEAR AS A BELL. YOU CALLED ME EMMETT.

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,

YOU FINALLY LET YOUR GUARD DOWN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

OH, I'M SUDDENLY SO DISORIENTED.

EVERYTHING SEEMS ALIEN TO ME.

[sighs]

YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE GOOFY

BECAUSE YOU HAVE AN EMPTY STOMACH.

WHY DON'T I FIX YOU A SANDWICH?

I'M SORRY, MA'AM.

I'M NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE LUNCH FROM STRANGERS.

I THINK I KNOW WHAT HAS TO BE DONE NOW.

THANKS FOR 30 YEARS OF SHELTER, CLOTHING,

AND 3 SQUARE MEALS A DAY OF

LIES!

[sobbing]

GLADYS, UNLESS YOU THINK

I SHOULD BE CONCERNED ABOUT THIS,

I THINK I'LL GO TAKE A NAP.

PLEASANT DREAMS, DEAR.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST USE A SUITCASE, CHRIS?

FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M NOT CHRIS, I'M EMMETT.

AND I HAVE TO TRAVEL ALL THE WAY TO

PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH COUNTRY

TO BE REUNITED WITH MY NATURAL AMISH PARENTS.

BUT UNTIL THAT TIME,

I MUST CARRY ALL MY BELONGINGS

IN A SIMPLE HANDKERCHIEF TIED TO A STICK,

FOR AT THIS POINT I AM NOTHING BUT A LOWLY BASTARD HOBO.

COMPRENDE?

IT'S IRONIC THAT YOUR SPANISH

WAS THE MOST DECIPHERABLE THING

IN THAT WHOLE SPEECH.

CHRIS, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE GOING THROUGH WITH THIS.

LARRY, I HAVE NO CHOICE.

I CAN'T REST UNTIL I AM REUNITED WITH MY TRUE PARENTS

IN MY ANCESTRAL HOMELAND.

THE PETERSON'S ARE YOUR TRUE PARENTS.

I'M 99.9% SURE OF THAT.

YEAH, BUT IT'S THAT POINT TWO-THIRDS

THAT'S SENDING ME BACK TO THE BOONIES.

THIS IS A CRAZY THOUGHT.

FORGIVE MY WILD IMAGINATION, BUT HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU

THAT PERHAPS YOU'RE WRONG?

WELL, YEAH, ACTUALLY THAT DID OCCUR TO ME,

BUT WHEN I CONFRONTED FRED AND... AND WHAT'S HER NAME,

THEY JUST DENIED IT.

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT GUILTY PEOPLE DO

WHEN THEY SWEEP ADOPTED DIRT UNDERNEATH THE RUG.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M TELLING YOU THIS

BECAUSE TECHNICALLY YOU'RE NOT EVEN MY FRIEND.

YOU'RE ACTUALLY CHRIS PETERSON'S FRIEND.

JEEZ, I WONDER HOW MANY OTHER FRIENDS

THEY HAVE ON THE PAYROLL.

THAT'S AN INSULT.

I WOULDN'T BE YOUR FRIEND FOR ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY.

WELL, THAT WASN'T EXACTLY PHRASED RIGHT

BUT YOU GET THE POINT.

WELL, WHATEVER, I'M OFF TO THE PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH COUNTRY.

AND, PLEASE, DON'T TRY TO STOP ME.

AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TELL FRED AND GLADYS

BECAUSE IT WOULD DESTROY THEM.

THEY'VE GROWN FOND OF THIS CHARADE

CALLED CHRIS PETERSON.

WELL, DON'T YOU THINK THEY'LL NOTICE THAT YOU'RE MISSING?

NOT FOR THE FIRST COUPLE OF WEEKS.

BESIDES, THEY'D JUST TRY TO TRACK ME DOWN

AND BUY ME BACK.

EVERYTHING IS MONEY WITH THOSE PEOPLE.

SO PROMISE, OK?

OK, I PROMISE.

[chuckles] OH.

ATTABOY.

LOOK, IF YOU'RE EVER NEAR

THE, UH, PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH COUNTRY, WHY DON'T YOU LOOK ME UP.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE

THE PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH COUNTRY IS?

WELL, NOT EXACTLY, I... I HAVE A FEELING

IT'S SOMEWHERE NEAR THE TROUBLED GAZA STRIP.

I'LL FIND IT.

MAMA. EMMETT'S HOME.

HMM, I WONDER WHAT'S KEEPING CHRIS?

I PUT HIS BREAKFAST DOWN THIS MORNING

AND IT'S GETTING COLD.

OH, HE'S PROBABLY OFF WATCHING A MINISERIES SOMEPLACE.

HELLO?

MR. AND MRS. PETERSON? HI.

I'M NOT INTERRUPTING ANYTHING, AM I?

WELL, YEAH, LARRY. UH, GLADYS AND I WERE

JUST SITTING HERE TRYING TO FIGURE

HOW TO GET THE BUGS OUT OF THE HUBBLE TELESCOPE.

MR. PETERSON, YOU ALWAYS CRACK ME UP.

IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU, LARRY.

WHAT'S NEW?

IS YOUR OLD MAN STILL RUNNING AROUND

WITH THAT REDHEAD? FRED.

MR. AND MRS. PETERSON, DO YOU KNOW HOW IT IS

WHEN YOU HAVE A TERRIBLE SECRET GNAWING AT YOU?

NO.

AND YOU'VE GOT TO TELL SOMEBODY?

OH, FRED AND I HAVE LOTS OF HORRIBLE SECRETS

WE KEEP FROM EACH OTHER.

THAT'S RIGHT. I DON'T MIND A BIT.

I GOT FEW THAT WOULD KNOCK HER SOCKS OFF.

GOD, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I'M WRACKED WITH GUILT.

LARRY, DID CHRIS EVER MENTION OUR SHORT ATTENTION SPAN?

IT'S JUST THAT HE MADE ME PROMISE NOT TO TELL YOU.

NOT TO TELL US WHAT?

YEAH, OUT WITH IT, BOY. COME ON.

OK, OK, YOU'VE BROKEN ME.

HE'S RUN AWAY FROM HOME.

CAN YOU DO THAT WHEN YOU'RE 30?

CAN YOU HAVE PAPER ROUTE WHEN YOU'RE 30?

HEY, DON'T MAKE ME GET UP FROM THIS TABLE.

WHY WOULD CHRIS RUN AWAY FROM HOME?

TO FIND HIS REAL PARENTS. HE THINKS HE'S BEEN ADOPTED.

I THOUGHT WE'D CLEARED THAT UP.

YES, THAT'S NOT ONE OF OUR HORRIBLE SECRETS.

WHAT ABOUT THE PICTURE OF HIM WITH THE AMISH COUPLE?

WHAT THE HELL'S HE TALKING ABOUT?

YOU KNOW, THE PICTURE OF CHRIS AS A BABY

BEING HELD BY AN AMISH COUPLE? HE FOUND IT IN THE ATTIC.

SO WHAT?

WE'VE ALSO GOT A PICTURE OF HIM WITH SANTA CLAUS.

THAT MUST BE FROM OUR VACATION

IN THE PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH COUNTRY.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. WE WENT THERE

WHEN THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT CLOSED DOWN REPTILE LAND.

AND WE TOOK A PICTURE OF HIM WITH AN AMISH COUPLE

EVEN THOUGH IT WAS AGAINST

EVERY FIBER OF THEIR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS.

YEAH, THEY PROBABLY GOT THROWN IN THE HOLE FOR IT.

NOW I GET IT.

YOU GUYS TOOK A VACATION

TO PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH COUNTRY

WHEN CHRIS WAS A BABY

AND TOOK A SOUVENIR PICTURE OF HIM WITH AN AMISH COUPLE.

NICE WORK.

MAKE SOME MANTLE SPACE FOR THAT NOBEL.

OH, NO.

NOW CHRIS HAS GONE OFF TO FIND SOME STRANGERS,

AND WE'RE NEVER GONNA SEE HIM AGAIN.

I WOULDN'T HOLD MY BREATH.

BUT MR. PETERSON, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND,

YOU'VE GOT TO GO FIND HIM AND BRING HIM BACK.

LOOK, BOY, THE ONLY THING I'VE GOT TO DO

IS DIE AND PAY TAXES.

OH, FRED, SPARE US THE TIRED OLD CLICHES.

PUT ON YOUR STREET SHOES.

WE'RE GONNA GET OUR CHRIS BACK.

[birds chirping]

UH, MAMA, WE'VE, UH, BEEN STANDING OUT HERE

STARING AT EACH OTHER FOR 10 MINUTES.

AREN'T YOU GONNA INVITE ME IN?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THIS IS MY HOME NOW, TOO.

MARTA? WHO GOES?

PAPA, IS THAT YOU?

OH MY GOD, OF COURSE IT'S YOU.

WHAT AM I SAYING.

THE RESEMBLANCE IN THE EYES IS UNCANNY.

OF COURSE I HAVE A LITTLE DIFFERENT TASTE IN CLOTHING,

BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S MY GENERATION.

HI.

HI.

WHO ARE YOU?

WELL, DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME?

I'M YOUR LONG-LOST SON EMMETT.

AND I'VE FINALLY COME HOME.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US?

I WANT WHAT WE ONCE HAD.

[chuckles] ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY.

AND MY DREAM HAS COME TRUE.

WE'RE ALL BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.

� REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD �

WHAT A TOUCHING MOMENT.

SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY

WE ALL COME INSIDE, UH, SHOOT THE BULL

AND THROW BACK SOME BREWS.

OH, MY. WOW.

[door closes]

A DISTURBED CITY DWELLER.

WE HAD BETTER HUMOR HIM OR HE MAY ATTACK US.

JEEZ, EVERYTHING'S SO PLAIN

AND UNFANCY.

[chuckles]

YOU KNOW, THERE'S NEW WORD, IT'S CALLED "COLOR".

YOU MIGHT WANT TO PUT THAT ONE IN YOUR ROLODEX.

GEE, SO YOU GOT 10 GRAND FOR ME

AND, UH, YOU STILL LIVE LIKE THIS?

WHAT DO YOU GUYS HAVE A GAMBLING PROBLEM OR SOMETHING?

WE ARE SIMPLE PEOPLE. FARMERS.

OH, WELL, THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S PERFECT.

I'LL FIT IN FINE. I'M SIMPLE, TOO.

YOU KNOW, UH, I HAD A HECK OF A TIME

FINDING YOU GUYS.

UH, THE TRAFFIC OUT THERE WAS JUST HORRENDOUS.

IT WAS, UH, UH, BRIDLE TO BRIDLE.

[laughing]

OH, MY.

HEY, WHAT ARE WE DOING STANDING AROUND GABBING?

STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION IS ON IN ABOUT 5 MINUTES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SPEAK.

WELL, YOU KNOW, WHERE'S YOUR HOME ENTERTAINMENT CENTER?

YOUR... YOUR BIG SCREEN T.V.

SLASH STEREO SLASH WAFFLE-MAKER

SLASH DEALIE SLASH THING.

ALL WE HAVE IS A FIREPLACE UNT A LOOM.

[exhales] WOW. PARTY. OK.

GOSH, YOU GUYS ARE WORSE OFF THAN I THOUGHT.

BUT DON'T WORRY, YOUR LUCK HAS CHANGED.

THE PEOPLE YOU SOLD ME TO WERE... WERE VERY GOOD TO ME

AND I'VE RETURNED HOME AS... AS YOUR SUGAR DADDY.

NOW, HOLD ON TO YOUR BONNETS.

I'M GONNA BRING YOU INTO THE 20TH CENTURY.

[chuckles]

NOW WHERE WOULD THAT BE?

HMM.

AH, IT'S GOTTA BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

HEY, DAD, WHERE'S THE OUTLET?

WE HAVE NO ELECTRICITY.

ARE YOU KIDDING? DID THEY SHUT IT OFF?

JEEZ.

YOU KNOW, YOU... YOU REALLY GOT TO WATCH THAT KIND OF STUFF

'CAUSE THAT... THAT COULD END UP ON YOUR T.R.W. THAT'S...

THAT'S A CREDIT REPORT, MOM.

WOMEN. YOU KNOW, WHEN IT COMES TO MONEY,

IT'S LIKE THEY ARE ON ANOTHER PLANET.

[laughing]

AH.

HEY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU TWO?

COME ON, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOYOUS OCCASION.

YOUR SON EMMETT IS HOME.

PUT ON YOUR HAPPY FACES.

(Chris) THAT'S BETTER.

[clicking tongue] MOM,

I'VE GOT A LITTLE SURPRISE FOR YOU.

IT'S A GAY SCARF.

NOW DON'T FAINT. PIERRE CARDIN.

SEE, ALL YOU HAD TO DO IS ACCESSORIZE A LITTLE BIT.

WE ARE HUMBLE FOLK.

WE SHUN THE WAYS OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD.

THAT IS THE CUSTOM OF OUR PEOPLE.

OH.

OH, JEEZ. WELL, I... I GUESS IF I'M GONNA LIVE HERE,

I... I GUESS I OUGHT TO ACCEPT

YOUR... YOUR HUMBLE SIMPLE WAYS.

SURE AM GONNA MISS MY WATER PIC.

I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS SOMETHING TELLS ME

THAT I WON'T BE RUNNING INTO CLAUDIA SCHIFFER

AT THE SUPERMARKET, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

[Chris chuckling]

THE ENGLISHER STILL SLEEPS?

YES.

NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO MURDER HIM.

IF ONLY OUR RELIGION DID NOT FORBID IT.

IF ONLY.

[Chris clears throat]

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

[chuckling]

OH, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.

I FOUND THESE CLOTHES UPSTAIRS AND I JUST KINDA THREW 'EM ON.

I LOOK NICE AND PLAIN, DON'T I?

LIKE A SEXY YOUNG AMISH LAD.

WELL, IT'S 5:30 A.M. AND EVERYBODY'S UP.

HIPPITY-HOPPITY, PIPPITY-POPPITY.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS ALL HAVE PAPER ROUTES HERE OR SOMETHIN'?

SIR, IF WE FED YOU WOULD YOU LEAVE US?

NO. NO, OF COURSE NOT.

YOU'RE SO INSECURE. NO.

I'M HERE FOREVER.

[knocking on door]

I'LL GET IT, PAPA.

OH, AHEM.

FRED. GLADYS.

OH, NO. MORE OF THEM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WE'VE COME TO TAKE YOU HOME, YOU IDIOT.

THIS IS NOW MY HOME.

COULDN'T YOU RUN AWAY TO A PLACE LIKE FLORIDA OR SOMETHING?

SAY, DO YOU HAVE A T.V. AROUND HERE?

BRIGITTE NIELSEN IS GONNA BE ON THE TODAY SHOW.

WE DO NOT HAVE THOUST ELECTRONICS.

WE ARE SIMPLE PEOPLE AND WE SHUN THE WAYS

OF YOUR PEOPLE WITH YOUR PRE-SWEETENED CEREALS

AND YOUR SILENT DOG WHISTLES.

SO BE GONE, YOU HEDONISTIC,

BUTTON PUSHING FANCY PANTS.

IT'S NICE TO KNOW HE HASN'T CHANGED.

CHRIS, I MUST ADMIT YOU LOOK VERY SMART IN A HAT.

FOR THE LAST TIME I AM NOT CHRIS.

I AM EMMETT STOLTZFOOTS,

SON TO JEDIDIAH AND MARTA STOLTZFOOTS.

WE'RE THE STOLTZFOOTSES.

GO AHEAD, TELL THEM I'M YOUR SON, COME ON.

BUT YOU'RE NOT OUR SON.

SO YOU'VE BOUGHT THEIR SILENCE, TOO, HUH?

LIKE YOU BUY EVERYTHING ELSE WITH YOUR FILTHY MONEY?

WHAT MONEY?

LIKE THE $10,000 YOU PAID FOR ME ON THE BLACK MARKET.

ARE YOU NUTS? I NEVER HAD $10,000

IN MY LIFE.

DON'T DENY IT. I HAVE THE RECEIPT RIGHT HERE.

LOOK AT THIS.

[sighs]

"ONE BABY BOY EMMETT, $10,000."

WHAT?

"ONE BABY BONNET, $10."

THAT'S THE RECEIPT FROM THE AMISH BABY BONNET

WE BOUGHT FOR YOU YEARS AGO,

AND THIS MUST BE THE NICE AMISH COUPLE

WE BOUGHT IT FROM.

WE EVEN TOOK A PICTURE OF YOU WITH THEM.

I TOLD YOU NO GOOD COULD COME FROM BEING PHOTOGRAPHED.

[chuckles] I'M SO EMBARRASSED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

THIS IS WORSE THAN WHEN I WAS SLEEPWALKING

THROUGH THE NEIGHBORHOOD IN MY MOM'S ROBE.

CAN WE GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE NOW?

WAIT A SECOND, DAD. NOT SO FAST.

YOU KNOW, I-I'M A LITTLE TORN HERE.

I MEAN YOU TWO HAVE... HAVE BEEN MY PARENTS

FOR THE LAST 15 HOURS AND I CAN'T THROW THAT AWAY.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A BOND THAT HAPPENS

BETWEEN A... A MOTHER AND A... A CHILD.

AND THAT BOND CAN NEVER BE BROKEN.

[sniffles]

HOW I LOVE YOU SO DEARLY.

MAYBE WE COULD WORK OUT A 6 MONTH EXCHANGE PROGRAM?

(both) NO.

WELL, THEN I GUESS THIS IS GOODBYE.

PAPA, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT

YOUR SIMPLE WAYS WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF ME,

BUT TO BE HONEST, I... I NEVER HAD THE CHEEKBONES

TO CARRY OFF THAT

CUTE BEARD-WITHOUT-A-MUSTACHE LOOK ANYWAYS.

AND MAMA, YOU KNOW, I NEVER DID TASTE

YOUR... YOUR MEAT KRAUT HASH SAUERBRATEN PIES,

BUT, UH,

YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY LIKE THOSE

HEAVY ITALIAN SAUCES AND... AND ACTUALLY

THEY DON'T LIKE ME, EITHER.

[chuckles] IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

SO I GUESS AS E.T. USED TO SAY,

"I'LL BE RIGHT THERE."

CHRIS, THEY'RE AMISH.

THEY PROBABLY HAVEN'T SEEN A MOVIE SINCE SPARTACUS.

OH, I'M SO SORRY.

WELL, I'LL MISS YOU BOTH DEARLY.

[sighs]

HEY, LISTEN, DO YOU MIND IF I KEEP THIS OUTFIT?

MY SKIN JUST KINDA COMES ALIVE IN BLACK.

TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT. JUST GET OUT.

I... I... I MEAN THAT IN THE MOST CHRISTIAN SENSE.

I'M SORRY IF CHRIS HAS BEEN A LOT OF TROUBLE TO YOU.

YOU KNOW HOW KIDS ARE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY OF YOUR OWN?

YEAH, BUT THEY'RE ALL MARRIED AND ON THEIR OWN.

THAT IS THE WAY WITH OUR PEOPLE.

WELL, NORMALLY THAT'S THE WAY OF OUR PEOPLE, TOO, BUT...

YEAH, BUT THEN WE'D BE GYPPED OUT

OF PRECIOUS MOMENTS LIKE THESE.

[chuckles]

HEY, YOU KNOW, SINCE THIS IS KIND OF...

WELL, KIND OF A BACKWARDS SORT OF FAMILY REUNION OF SORTS, UM,

WHAT DO YOU SAY, WE GET ONE OF THOSE

WHERE-ARE-THEY-NOW PICTURES, HUH?

GREAT IDEA.

HEY, POP, WHY DON'T YOU DO THE HONORS?

AH, JEEZ.

THERE YOU GO. NOW LET'S DO THIS JUST LIKE THE OTHER ONE

AND I THINK IN THE OTHER ONE, UM,

YOU WERE ACTUALLY HOLDING ME PAPA TU.

[chuckles]

(Chris) OH, GREAT. OK.

NOW CAN WE PLEASE GO?

SURE.

AH, WAIT. HOLD ON A SECOND HERE.

[clears throat]

UM, DAD, IF I'M NOT ADOPTED,

COULD YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME?

HEH.

WELL, CHRIS, WE JUST TOOK THAT PICTURE A SECOND AGO.

[chuckles] OH, OH, YEAH.

I'M SORRY. I FORGOT.

I LOVE YOU GUYS.

OH, MY.

[sighs]

[clanking]