Original subtitles

OH, WOW, LOOK AT HER.

SHE'S JUST A NEW WAITRESS.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY NOW

BUT AS SOON AS MY BACK'S TURNED, YOU'LL BE ALL OVER HER.

I KNOW HOW YOU LITTLE PUBERTY-HOUNDS ACT.

JUST BACK OFF, OK? I SAW HER FIRST.

I'M GOING OVER TO THE 18 AND OLDER SECTION.

[clears throat]

HI, EXCUSE US.

HI.

HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT THE FLUORESCENT LIGHTING IN HERE

BRINGS OUT A LOVELY PALE GREEN GLOW IN YOUR SKIN?

NO, THANK GOD.

I'M CHRIS PETERSON.

AND, UH, YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA BE SEEING AN AWFUL LOT OF ME

'CAUSE I'M KIND OF A REGULAR HERE.

REALLY? MMM-HMM.

HEY, YOU'RE NOT THAT WEIRD GUY WHO STILL HAS A PAPER ROUTE, ARE YOU?

WELL, YEAH, BUT I'M HEAD PAPERBOY.

BOSS TO EVERY KID I SEE.

OH, BOY. MMM-HMM.

A MAN WITH POWER.

IT'S, UH, IT'S REALLY KIND OF A LIFESTYLE CHOICE, JANE.

[grunts]

[sniffs]

SEE, IT'S 9 A.M.

AND MY DAY'S ALREADY DONE,

LEAVING ME FREE TO EXPERIENCE LIFE TO THE FULLEST,

LIKE MAYBE WITH YOU, TONIGHT.

THANKS, BUT I DON'T THINK SO.

JANE, I'M GOING TO BE VERY HONEST WITH YOU.

I FIND YOU VERY ATTRACTIVE AND VERY INTERESTING.

IF YOU TURN ME DOWN, I'LL JUST KEEP ASKING

AND THEN I'LL START CALLING

AND THEN I'LL START WRITING YOU ENDLESS NOTES,

DOGGING YOUR EVERY MOVE,

SHOWING UP OUTSIDE YOUR BEDROOM WINDOW AT ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT.

IT'LL TURN INTO ONE OF THOSE REALLY OBSESSIVE FATAL ATTRACTION DEALS

AND IT'LL PROBABLY END WITH THE DEATH OF ONE OR BOTH OF US,

OR WE CAN JUST GO OUT ON ONE LITTLE STUPID DATE, IT'S UP TO YOU.

WHY NOT, I LIKE A SENSE OF HUMOR.

OK, WELL, I WASN'T JOKING, BUT IF YOU TOOK IT THAT WAY, FINE.

I GET OFF WORK AT 6, YOU CAN SHOW ME AROUND YOUR TOWN.

GREAT. YOU ARE GONNA LOOK MIGHTY FINE ON THE HANDLE BARS OF MY BIKE.

EXCUSE ME? YEAH.

DON'T YOU THINK WE'D BE BETTER OF IN A CAR?

A CAR.

UH, YEAH, OR... OR WE COULD JUST WALK AROUND.

WAIT A MINUTE, YOU DO DRIVE, DON'T YOU?

WELL, UH... UM...

I, UH...

[laughing]

ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU DON'T DRIVE A CAR?

NO, A CAR. OH, YES, I DRIVE A CAR.

I DRIVE A CAR.

WHY WOULDN'T I DRIVE A CAR?

THEN WHAT WAS ALL THAT "UH, UM, MMM" STUFF ABOUT?

WELL, THAT'S JUST SOME MEDICATION THAT I'M ON, I'M SORRY.

UH-HUH.

LOOK, MAYBE WE BETTER JUST FORGET ABOUT THIS,

YOU'RE STARTING TO GIVE ME THE CREEPS.

JANE, LOOK, JUST RELAX, OK?

I PROMISE YOU EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 6.

IN A CAR.

YEAH, IN A CAR, WHAT ELSE? OK.

EXCUSE ME, MISS? COULD WE ORDER NOW?

HEY, HEY, BACK OFF.

CAN'T YOU SEE SHE'S IN LOVE?

�[Stand by R.E.M. playing]

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU ARE �

� SO STAND

[birds chirping]

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU NEVER LEARNED TO DRIVE.

LARRY, THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE HERE

I NEVER GOT A DRIVERS LICENSE,

BUT I TOOK DRIVER'S ED JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IN SCHOOL.

YES, BUT YOU NEVER GOT YOUR LICENSE

AND I TOLD YOU YOU WOULD REGRET IT.

BUT, LARRY, I DON'T REGRET IT.

GETTING A DRIVER'S LICENSE IS A VERY DANGEROUS THING.

FIRST, YOU GET A DRIVERS LICENSE

AND THEN YOU GOTTA GET CAR INSURANCE,

THEN YOU GOTTA BUY A CAR,

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'RE FOOLING AROUND IN THE BACK SEAT,

YOU GOT A COUPLE OF KIDS, YOU'RE MARRIED AND YOUR LIFE'S A LIVING HELL.

YOU'RE DESCRIBING MY LIFE.

OH, I'M SORRY.

WELL, ONE MAN'S LIVING HELL IS ANOTHER MAN'S ENDLESS NIGHTMARE.

NO, I'M... I'M JOKING, LARRY, REALLY, SHARON'S LOVELY.

CHRIS, WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN DO YOU WANT TO DRIVE?

WELL, LARRY, THERE COMES A TIME IN EVERY MAN'S LIFE

WHEN HE... HE WANTS TO MATURE AS A HUMAN BEING

AND... AND GROW, AND...

ALL RIGHT, LARRY, I MET A VERY CUTE GIRL.

AND NOW I'M SUPPOSED TO TEACH YOU HOW TO DRIVE?

LARRY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TEACH ME.

I ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DRIVE.

I'VE BEEN WATCHING PEOPLE DRIVE FOR YEARS.

MANNIX, UH, BARNABY JONES,

THE DUKES OF HAZZARD. I KNOW ALL THE MOVES.

NOW, HOW DO YOU GET IN ONE OF THESE THINGS?

IF I'M GONNA TEACH YOU HOW TO DRIVE YOU HAVE TO BE SERIOUS.

DRIVING IS NOT A JOKE.

OH, NO. OF COURSE NOT. HEAVEN FORBID.

BEFORE YOU ENTER THE VEHICLE,

IT IS PROPER TO INSPECT THE OUTSIDE FOR ANY PROBLEMS.

LOW TIRE INFLATION,

DEBRIS IN THE GRILLWORK THAT COULD OBSTRUCT AIR FLOW,

ANYTHING THAT COULD IMPEDE SAFE MOTORING.

LARRY, IT'S REALLY NOT NECESSARY

TO ACT LIKE MR. OFFICIAL IDIOT TO TEACH ME.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I DO THIS EVERY MORNING BEFORE I DRIVE.

OH, WELL, THAT'S... THAT'S VERY ADMIRABLE, LARRY.

[sniffs]

NOW, THE FIRST THING I LIKE TO DO

IS MAKE SURE THAT THE REAR VIEW MIRRORS ARE PROPERLY SET,

CHECK AND MAKE SURE THE SEAT IS AT THE RIGHT HEIGHT,

CHECK AND SEE THAT THE WINDOWS ARE CLEAR OF ALL OBSTRUCTIONS,

AND PUT ON MY SEATBELT

AND CHECK FOR ANY WEAR OR FRAYING POINTS.

LARRY, JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,

WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE TO GET UP IN THE MORNING TO GO TO WORK, 3 A.M.?

CHRIS, DRIVING IS NOT A RIGHT,

IT IS A PRIVILEGE.

NOW, IT IS AN AWESOME RESPONSIBILITY

HANDLING A VEHICLE OF THIS SIZE AND POWER.

YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUL.

NO, I AGREE WITH YOU 100%.

NOW HOW DO YOU GET ONE OF THESE BABIES UP ON 2 WHEELS?

BEFORE YOU GO INTO THE STREET,

ALWAYS LOOK IN BOTH DIRECTIONS,

BOTH RIGHT AND LEFT,

AND THIS IS VALUABLE, RIGHT AGAIN.

NOW, IT'S ALL CLEAR

BUT I LIKE TO GIVE A FRIENDLY TOOT ON THE HORN

JUST TO LET 'EM KNOW I'M COMING.

"A FRIENDLY TOOT?"

WHAT AN OLD WOMAN.

OK, MR. KNOW-IT-ALL, I GUESS I JUST CAN'T TEACH YOU ANYTHING.

NO, LARRY, YOU CAN'T, SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE ME DOWN

AND I'LL TAKE THE TEST RIGHT NOW.

CHRIS, IT TAKES MONTHS TO LEARN HOW TO DRIVE.

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA PASS.

LARRY, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS I REMEMBER ALL THIS STUFF FROM DRIVERS ED,

JUST STEER WITH THAT THING

AND YOU... YOU STOP WITH ONE OF THOSE PEDAL GIZMO DEALIES DOWN THERE.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

OK. WE'LL JUST SEE ABOUT THAT, MORON.

[engine starting]

[car horn honks]

GOOD AFTERNOON, OFFICER.

I'M CHRIS PETERSON AND I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY

THAT I'M THRILLED THAT YOU'LL BE GIVING ME MY DRIVER'S TEST TODAY.

YOU LOOK VERY HANDSOME AND SMART IN THAT UNIFORM

AND HERE'S A SHINY NEW APPLE FOR YOU.

LOOK, LET'S GET THROUGH THIS WITHOUT ALL THE YACKITY YACKIN'.

KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

DO AS YOU'RE TOLD AND WE'LL GET ALONG FINE.

LET ME SEE YOUR LEARNER'S PERMIT.

MY, AREN'T WE A GRUMPY BEAR.

WHAT THE HELL? YOU JUST GOT THIS TODAY.

YEAH, I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE I'M KIND OF RUSHING THINGS

BUT, UH, I'VE GOT A REALLY HOT DATE TONIGHT

AND I NEED A CAR, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE PRETTY IMPRESSED

AT HOW GOOD I AM BEHIND THE WHEEL.

NOT THAT THAT MATTERS MUCH THESE DAYS.

I MEAN WITH THESE NEW AIRBAGS,

YOU CAN PRETTY MUCH CRASH FULL SPEED

INTO ANYTHING AND WALK AWAY, RIGHT?

MR. PETERSON, SIT THERE QUIETLY

WHILE I FINISH FILLING OUT THIS INFORMATION.

[whispers] SORRY.

[whistling]

[grunts]

WHAT IS THIS, ONE OF THOSE 9 SHOOTERS?

MR. PETERSON... GIVE ME THAT, YOU IDIOT.

THAT IS A FELONY, MISTER!

JEEZ, I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT YOU KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT GOOD FOR A COP NOT TO KNOW

IF SOMEBODY'S TAKING THEIR GUN.

IS THAT WHY THEY PUT YOU ON THIS SISSY DETAIL?

MR. PETERSON, THIS IS A DUTY OF ALL STATE TROOPERS.

YEAH, I BELIEVE THAT ONE.

I JUST LOVE ALL THOSE EPISODES OF BARETTA, WHERE HE GAVE THE DRIVER'S TEST.

WE ALL PULL THIS ASSIGNMENT 3 DAYS A MONTH.

I'VE BEEN GIVING THIS TEST FOR OVER 15 YEARS.

WELL, HEY, WELL, YOU MUST KNOW MY GOOD FRIEND, LARRY POTTER.

YOU REMEMBER HIM? HE'S ONE OF THOSE REAL BABY DRIVERS, THOUGH.

[mimicking] LET ME CHECK THE MIRRORS BEFORE I PULL OUT

AND MAKE SURE MY SEAT BELTS IN AND...

PLEASE!

MR. PETERSON, PULL INTO TRAFFIC.

FINALLY. OK, NOW YOU JUST SIT BACK,

RELAX AND ENJOY THE RIDE.

YOU'RE IN FOR A LITTLE TREAT HERE.

MMM.

[engine starting]

[engine revving]

�[radio playing]

� BILLY, DON'T BE A HERO

� DON'T BE A FOOL WITH YOUR LIFE �

MR. PETERSON, YOU WANT TO TURN OFF THE RADIO?

WHAT?

TURN OFF THE RADIO!

OH, COME ON, THIS IS MY FAVORITE.

[radio stops playing]

YOU COULD HAVE TUNED AROUND FOR SOMETHING YOU LIKED.

[car engine revs]

HEY, GET A LOAD.

MR. HAIRCUT OVER THERE WANTS TO RACE.

HEY, PAL, YOU'D BE CHOKIN' ON MY DUST

IF I DIDN'T HAVE THE FUZZ IN HERE WITH ME.

MR. PETERSON.

DRIVERS LIKE THAT ARE A HAZARD.

MAKE A LEFT HERE.

OK. NO PROBLEM.

ONE LEFT COMIN' UP AND HERE SHE GOES.

[Chris chuckling]

LIKE IT SO FAR?

NOT BAD, HUH?

[honking]

HEY, WATCH IT GRANDMA!

I'M TRYING TO TAKE A DRIVER'S TEST HERE!

OLD LADIES AND FIRE TRUCKS,

THEY THINK THEY OWN THE ROAD.

[whistle blowing]

[tires screeching]

MAN!

THAT CROSSING GUARD CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.

WHAT A JERK.

AND HERE WE ARE, SAFE AND SOUND.

[exclaims]

SO, HOW'D I DO?

MR. PETERSON,

NOT ONLY WOULD I NEVER, IN A MILLION YEARS,

GIVE YOU A LICENSE,

BUT I AM GOING TO SUSPEND YOUR LEARNER'S PERMIT.

WELL, I'M NOT THAT FAMILIAR

WITH YOUR TECHNICAL PAPERWORK PROCEDURES.

WHAT DO I DO, TURN THIS IN FOR MY DRIVERS LICENSE?

MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE

HE FLUNKED ME JUST BECAUSE OF THE COLOR OF MY SKIN.

CHRIS, HE FLUNKED YOU BECAUSE YOU ACTED LIKE A TOTAL MORON.

YOU'RE LUCKY HE DIDN'T THROW US IN JAIL.

HE WAS JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I GOT HIS GUN AWAY FROM HIM.

IT WAS OBVIOUS I COULD HANDLE THAT CAR WITH MY EYES CLOSED,

A SKILL, BY THE WAY, I DEMONSTRATED TO HIM AT LEAST 10 TIMES.

(Larry) WELL, I GUESS YOU CAN JUST KISS YOUR HOT DATE GOODBYE.

LARRY, I CANNOT LET A GIRL THAT FANTASTIC

SLIP THROUGH MY FINGERS, I'M SORRY.

LOOK, I'M SURE I'LL PASS THE TEST THE NEXT TIME I TAKE IT.

IN THE MEANTIME, I JUST NEED A CAR FOR ONE NIGHT.

THIS ONE'S A LITTLE DORKY BUT IT'LL DO.

(Larry) FORGET IT, CHRIS.

LOOK, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST EXPLAIN TO YOUR PARENTS WHAT HAPPENED

AND MAYBE YOU CAN GET YOUR DAD TO DRIVE YOU ON THIS DATE.

ARE YOU NUTS?

THERE'S NOTHING MORE EMBARRASSING THAN HAVING YOUR DAD

DRIVE YOU ON A DATE.

I LEARNED THAT HARD LESSON IN MY MID TWENTIES.

BESIDES, IF MY PARENTS KNEW I TOOK THE TEST AND FAILED,

IT WOULD BREAK THEIR POOR OLD HEARTS.

NAH, THE ONLY THING I CAN DO IS WAIT TILL THEY'RE ASLEEP TONIGHT

AND THEN STEAL THEIR CAR.

THIS IS YOUR CAR? YUP.

I KNOW A LOT OF THE YOUNG KIDS NOWADAYS

ARE INTO THOSE UNPATRIOTIC FOREIGN RINKY-DINKY JOBS

BUT, UH, GIVE ME A JUMBO BOAT OF A GAS GUZZLER

MADE RIGHT HERE IN THE GOOD U.S. OF A. ANYTIME.

I JUST NEVER PICTURED YOU IN ONE OF THESE.

MY, WE'RE NOT VERY TRUSTING, ARE WE?

THE NEXT THING YOU'LL BE WANTING TO SEE MY DRIVERS LICENSE.

LOOK, MISSY, THIS IS MY CAR AND MY CAR ALONE, OK?

NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

AND IT IS FOR DAMN WELL SURE NOT MY PARENTS' CAR.

NOW, WHAT KIND OF MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO?

WE'VE GOT A 100 8-TRACKS HERE.

WE'VE GOT, UH, BOBBY VINTON.

WE'VE GOT JACK JONES.

WE'VE GOT ANDREA CASTELL...

THAT'S OK. THAT'S OK.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHOW ME AROUND TOWN LIKE WE PLANNED?

GREAT IDEA, NOBODY KNOWS THIS BERG LIKE ME.

[engine starting]

RIGHT OVER THERE, THAT'S THE GAS STATION.

AND, UH, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN SEE IT,

BUT THAT'S THE, UH, UNLEADED PUMP RIGHT THERE.

AND, UH, RIGHT NEXT TO IT IS THE SUPER-UNLEADED PUMP.

GLADYS? HMM?

DO YOU REMEMBER ME PARKING THE CAR

IN THE DRIVEWAY EARLIER TODAY?

YES.

AND ARE WE SENILE?

NO.

THEN SOME HORSE'S ASS HAS STOLEN OUR CAR.

AND, UH,

OH, RIGHT OVER THERE, THERE'S THE VIDEO STORE.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT ELIMINATING THE X-RATED SECTION.

I'VE HAD A FEW SLEEPLESS NIGHTS OVER THAT ONE,

I DON'T MIND TELLIN' YA.

MORE COOKIES AND MILK, OFFICERS?

UH, NO, THANKS, MRS. PETERSON.

WE WERE ALREADY FULL OF DONUTS WHEN WE GOT HERE.

AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST A STUPID COMEDY STEREOTYPE.

(officer) NO, MA'AM.

WE LOVE 'EM ANYTIME, ALL THE TIME.

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY, DO YA?

SORRY.

WELL, I THINK WE HAVE ALL THE INFORMATION WE NEED

ON THE MISSING VEHICLE. WE'LL GET RIGHT ON IT.

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH IT BURNS ME

THAT SOME HORSE'S ASS CAN STEAL YOUR CAR JUST LIKE THAT.

DID I MENTION THAT THERE WAS AN ENORMOUS COLLECTION OF 8-TRACKS IN THERE?

YES, YES. AND I CAN ASSURE YOU WE'LL DO EVERYTHING

HUMANLY POSSIBLE TO GET YOUR VEHICLE BACK TO YA, FRED.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO SLEEP TONIGHT.

COULD I RIDE AROUND WITH YOU GUYS FOR A WHILE?

I WANNA BE THERE WHEN YOU CATCH THAT STINKIN' HORSE'S ASS.

I'M AFRAID THAT VIOLATES EVERY RULE IN THE BOOK,

BUT, OK.

HEY, GREAT.

(Chris) UH, NOW RIGHT OVER THERE, THERE'S THE POLCHEK'S HOUSE.

YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM FOR QUITE A FEW DAYS

AND THERE'S A HORRIBLE STENCH COMING THAT PLACE.

I'LL WAIT A COUPLE OF WEEKS AND THEN REPORT IT.

I'M JUST JOKING.

THAT'S NEWSPAPER BOY GALLOWS HUMOR.

GEE, IT'S REALLY GREAT HOW YOU HAVE A STORY FOR EACH AND EVERY HOUSE.

BUT ACTUALLY, I THOUGHT THIS DATE WAS GOING TO BE A LITTLE MORE EXCITING.

DO YOU THINK WE COULD PICK UP THE PACE?

I DON'T THINK THERE SHOULD BE TOO MUCH PROBLEM WITH THAT.

[screeching]

[siren wailing]

WHAT IS GOING ON?

NOTHING, JANE, I'M JUST PICKING UP THE PACE LIKE YOU ASKED.

THERE'S THE PHILLIPS' HOUSE AND... AND THERE'S THE RESNIK'S

AND THE NEILAN'S AND THE GROSS', LOOK DOWN THERE...

OH, NO, LOOK, CHRIS, THE POLICE ARE AFTER US.

HUH, WHY WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

BECAUSE THEY'RE RIGHT BEHIND US

WITH LIGHTS FLASHING AND SIRENS GOING.

OH, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M SURE THEY'RE NOT AFTER US.

(officer) YOU IN THE GRAY CAR, PULL OVER.

HUH. WELL, THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANY OTHER GRAY CARS IN THE VICINITY, DOES IT?

WELL, THEY MAY BE AFTER US,

BUT, I BET IT'S JUST SOMETHING SIMPLE,

MAYBE MY TAIL LIGHT'S OUT OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? INSTEAD OF STOPPING

AND LETTING THEM BOG DOWN OUR DATE,

WHY DON'T WE JUST TRY TO OUT RUN 'EM?

[tires screeching]

CHRIS, WHAT IS GOING ON?

WELL, JANE, IT'S LIKE THIS, I...

HEY, LOOK, THERE'S THE PHILLIPS' HOUSE.

THOSE PEOPLE ARE NUTTY.

THEY'VE GOT THE... CHRIS!

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, JANE,

ON A PURELY TECHNICAL LEVEL,

I DON'T OFFICIALLY, LEGALLY,

HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENSE.

WHAT?

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?

WELL, YOU KNOW, THE MOMENT I MET YOU,

A VOICE IN MY HEAD SAID YOU WERE A CRAZY PSYCHO.

[sirens wailing] WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN?

THAT'S RIGHT JANE, I AM CRAZY, CRAZY IN LOVE.

[panting]

THE MOMENT I MET YOU THIS MORNING

SOMETHING HAPPENED, SOMETHING MAGICAL,

SOMETHING MYSTICAL AND... AND, WELL, SOMETHING BIOLOGICAL,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO THAT RIGHT NOW.

THE POINT IS, I KNEW RIGHT THEN AND THERE

THAT I COULD DENY YOU NOTHING.

[gasps]

YOU KNOW, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO LIE ABOUT BEING ABLE TO DRIVE

TO IMPRESS ME.

REALLY? YOU... YOU MEAN YOU WOULD HAVE GONE OUT WITH ME

EVEN IF I HAD TOLD THE TRUTH?

WELL, NO.

I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU WERE A SUPER DORK.

SO I GUESS YOU DID HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THIS.

AND NOW I FEEL SAD THAT YOU'LL PROBABLY GO TO JAIL

AND BE FORCED INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE OF YOUR OWN SEX.

[exclaims]

JANE.

HEY, YOU KNOW, WHAT WOULD REALLY TOP OFF THE EVENING HERE TONIGHT?

WHAT?

A KISS.

CHRIS, WE'RE GOING OVER 80 MILES AN HOUR.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

[tires screeching]

NOW WE'RE ON A PRETTY STRAIGHT ROAD.

OH, OK.

[seatbelt rattling]

[siren wailing]

[exclaims]

THAT WAS GREAT.

I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING THAT I COULD DO TO HELP YOU.

REALLY, YOU MEAN IT? YEAH.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? WE COULD TRADE PLACES.

NOW?

YOU'RE KIDDING, WON'T I GET IN TROUBLE?

YOU JUST LEAVE THAT TO ME, JANE.

OK.

YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE SO DAMN CUTE.

WELL, GET THE HORSE'S ASS ALREADY.

WE'RE PURSUING HIM, FRED.

WHAT THE HELL'S THAT SHOTGUN FOR, DECORATION?

UH, THAT COULD DO A NUMBER ON YOUR PAINT JOB, FRED.

WELL, COULDN'T YOU JUST TAKE OUT THE REAR WINDSHIELD?

I GUESS SO. I COULD LIVE WITH THAT.

WELL, YOU'RE THE PUBLIC WHO PAYS OUR SALARY.

IF YOU SAY KILL...

[gun cocking]

WE KILL.

OK.

[grunting]

OK, NOW, JUST PUT YOUR FOOT ON TOP OF MINE

[grunts] AND HOLD IT THERE, OK?

OH, THAT FEELS KIND OF GOOD, DOESN'T IT?

WOW.

IMAGINE ME, A LAW-ABIDING WAITRESS IN A HIGH-SPEED CAR CHASE.

[Jane laughing]

WHOA! WE'RE DOING IT.

WE'RE DOING IT. WE'RE UP ON 2 WHEELS.

THIS IS SO COOL.

(officer) THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING.

PULL OVER OR WE WILL SHOOT.

THEY'RE SO JEALOUS.

[siren wailing]

[laughing]

I'VE GOT TO ADMIT. THAT WAS FUN. GOOD DATE.

[siren stops wailing]

[radio chattering]

[door shuts]

WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM, OFFICER?

OK, YOU 2, OUT OF THE CAR.

UH, OFFICER I, UH,

I THINK THIS WHOLE THING HAS BEEN A MISUNDERSTANDING.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

CHRIS! DAD!

OK, WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU SAID THE CAR WAS STOLEN?

STOLEN? NO, NO.

DAD, I-I'M SORRY, I... I THOUGHT I MENTIONED TO YOU

THAT I... I HAD A DATE TONIGHT.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D MIND IF JANE AND I BORROWED THE CAR.

JANE HAS A DRIVER'S LICENSE, YOU KNOW, DAD?

I DON'T MIND, SON,

I JUST WISH I WOULD HAVE KNOWN,

IT WOULD HAVE SAVED US A HARROWING CAR CHASE.

SHE'S QUITE A KNOCKOUT, NICE CATCH.

(officer) OK, NOW WAIT A SECOND.

SOME SERIOUS LAWS HAVE STILL BEEN BROKEN HERE.

THEY DISOBEYED AN OFFICER OF THE LAW

AND LED US ON A HIGH-SPEED CHASE.

WAIT A SECOND. IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW, SIR,

THAT WE WERE ALMOST KILLED IN THAT CAR.

SEE, WHAT HAPPENED WAS THE GAS PEDAL GOT STUCK,

AND... AND THE MORE WE TRIED TO PULL IT OUT,

THE MORE IT GOT STUCK

AND IF IT WASN'T FOR THIS PLUCKY LITTLE LADY RIGHT HERE,

WE'D BOTH BE DEAD RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS STORY I'VE EVER HEARD.

YOU KNOW, THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME JUST LAST WEEK?

I... I THOUGHT IT WAS A FLUKE.

BOY, IF IT HAPPENED AGAIN WHILE I WAS DRIVING

AND MY OLD REFLEXES WEREN'T FAST ENOUGH,

WELL, YOU MAY HAVE SAVED MY LIFE, TOO, LITTLE LADY.

[both exclaim]

[clears throat]

[both exclaim]

OK, DAD. THAT'S ENOUGH.

WELL, I GUESS IF YOUR DAD CORROBORATES THE STORY,

THERE'S, UH, NO HARM DONE.

YEAH, BUT GET THAT DEATHTRAP LOOKED AT.

FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, OFFICER.

I'M SORRY TO HAVE CAUSED YOU ALL THIS TROUBLE.

OH, THAT'S OK,

THE DONUTS MORE THAN MADE UP FOR IT.

HERE'S SOMETHING A LITTLE EXTRA.

[coins clinking]

GEE, DAD, THANKS FOR MAKING UP THAT STORY AND SAVING OUR HIDES.

WHAT STORY? THE THING HAD ME UP ON 2 WHEELS.

WELL, I GUESS EVERYTHING'S GREAT THEN. COME ON.

UH...

UH, WHAT?

I THINK YOU SHOULD TELL YOUR FATHER THE TRUTH.

ARE YOU NUTS? I'M OFF THE HOOK.

WHY WOULD I PUT MYSELF THROUGH ALL...

DO YOU WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN?

DAD, I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

I STOLE THE CAR WHILE YOU AND MOM WERE SLEEPING.

I WAS DRIVING WITHOUT A LICENSE

AND WE WERE RUNNING FROM THE POLICE.

SHE WAS DRIVING, I SAW HER.

NO, NO. WE... WE TRADED PLACES WHILE WE WERE DRIVING.

WOW, PRETTY NEAT.

DAD, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON HERE TONIGHT.

ACTUALLY QUITE A FEW LESSONS.

LET'S SEE,

NEVER TO DRIVE WITHOUT A DRIVERS LICENSE,

DON'T RUN FROM THE POLICE,

AND FINALLY AND... AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,

DRIVING IS A PRIVILEGE AND NOT A RIGHT.

THOSE ARE ALL FINE LESSONS TO LEARN, SON.

ONLY WISH YOU'D LEARNED THEM 15 YEARS EARLIER LIKE MOST PEOPLE.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT GOING TO PUNISH ME, DAD?

WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO? YOU'RE 30 YEARS OLD.

[chuckling] YEAH, I FORGOT.

THANKS, DAD, I LOVE YOU. UH, COME ON.

ACTING LIKE LITTLE DADDY'S BOY IN FRONT OF THE GIRL

IS HURTING YOUR CHANCES OF SCORING.

THANKS, DAD.

[clearing throat]

COME ON, KIDS, GET IN THE CAR. I'LL DRIVE YOU HOME.

GREAT.

[engine starting]

(Jane) WATCH IT!

[tires screeching]