Original subtitles

[clearing throat]

[sniffs]

HOW DO I LOOK?

FRED, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE THIS ONE?

WELL, IT'S, AH, NOT AN OUTFIT

I WOULD HAVE PUT TOGETHER,

BUT IT LOOKS VERY SMART ON YOU, SON.

YOU'RE NOT GOING OUTSIDE WITH THAT WET HAIR, ARE YOU, DEAR?

MOM, MY HAIR ISN'T WET.

I PUT VITALIS IN IT.

LOOK, IT'S IN A COOL DUCKTAIL, JUST LIKE DAD'S.

CHRIS, YOU'RE NOT BECOMING ONE OF THOSE

MAFIA WISE-GUY GOODFELLAS, ARE YA?

[chuckling] DAD, COME ON.

THAT KIND OF BREAK TAKES THE SORT OF CONNECTIONS I JUST DON'T HAVE.

NO, I'M ALL DRESSED UP LIKE THIS

BECAUSE MY BOSS WANTS TO SEE ME,

AND I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I'M GETTING A PROMOTION.

A PROMOTION.

OH, CHRIS, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

DO YOU THINK IT'LL BE A DESK JOB?

MA, PLEASE, NO.

I'M AS MUCH A PART OF THE STREETS AS THE GUM ON THE SIDEWALK IS,

AS THE CIGARETTE BUTTS AND THE CRACKS,

AS THE WORMS THAT COME OUT AFTER A SUMMER'S RAIN

TO MAKE SWEET LOVE UNDER THE HOT AFTERNOON SUN.

I'M SORRY, I'M GETTING WAY TOO POETIC.

NO, I'LL NEVER GIVE UP THE STREETS.

WELL, IT'S NICE TO SEE SUCH DEDICATION.

IT'S ASININE AND IT'S MISGUIDED,

BUT IT'S DEDICATION.

THANKS, DAD.

THEY PROBABLY WANT TO EXPAND MY TERRITORY

TO REWARD A JOB WELL DONE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S GONNA COST 'EM.

HERE'S MY LIST OF DEMANDS.

UH, "APPLY CREAM TO AFFECTED AREA TWICE DAILY."

OH, I'M SORRY THAT'S MY OINTMENT INSTRUCTIONS.

DON'T ASK, DAD.

DON'T WORRY, I WON'T.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST ACCEPT WHAT THEY OFFER YOU, DEAR.

MA, THAT'S THE KIND OF ROLL OVER ATTITUDE

THAT HAS US STILL DRIVING A MONTE CARLO INSTEAD OF A HOVERCRAFT.

CHRIS, YOU CAN'T DRIVE A HOVERCRAFT ON A HIGHWAY.

DAD, I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO THIS ARGUMENT WITH YOU AGAIN, OK?

THE POINT IS, I HAVE THE NEWSPAPER RIGHT WHERE I WANT 'EM.

HERE'S MY REAL LIST OF DEMANDS.

I NEED A PADDED SEAT FOR MY BIKE,

A THERMOS AND A MISTRESS.

ON 24 HOUR CALL, 7 DAYS A WEEK

BYE.

GOOD LUCK, DEAR.

GLADYS, IF THEY GIVE HIM A MISTRESS,

I'M GETTING A PAPER ROUTE.

OH, FRED.

�[Stand by R.E.M. playing]

[bicycle bell ringing]

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU ARE �

� SO STAND

[birds chirping]

(Mr. Martin) MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME PETERSON.

THANKS, RONNY.

PETERSON, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A PAPERBOY?

UH, WELL, LET'S SEE NOW, THERE'S, UH, 1, 2, 3.

UH, 18 YEARS IN JANUARY.

WELL, FOR MANY OF THOSE 18 YEARS

YOU'VE BEEN A VALUED EMPLOYEE.

WELL, THANKS RONNY, I... I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY.

AND AS YOU KNOW, HERE AT THE PAPER WE'RE ALWAYS LOOKING

FOR WAYS TO IMPROVE PERFORMANCE.

WELL, YEAH, ME, TOO.

LIKE WHEN I WAS TAKING STEROIDS, REMEMBER?

IT'S TERRIBLE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU STOP THOUGH,

THE MUSCLE JUST TURNS RIGHT TO FAT.

[clearing throat]

MMM, NOW THIS CHART

REPRESENTS THE PRODUCTIVITY

WE COULD EXPECT FROM THE AVERAGE 12-YEAR-OLD PAPERBOY.

OF COURSE YOUR RESULTS ARE SOMEWHAT BETTER

SINCE YOU'VE MASTERED THE JOB OVER THE LAST 2 DECADES.

ARE YOU WITH ME SO FAR?

UH, WELL, ACTUALLY, TO BE HONEST,

I'M A LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE WITH PIE GRAPHS.

BUT PLEASE CONTINUE.

WELL, AS... AS YOU CAN SEE

WE'VE HAD GENERALLY GOOD PERFORMANCE WITH JUST A FEW DIPS

REPRESENTING SICK DAYS AND VACATIONS,

BUT ON THE WHOLE WE'VE BEEN QUITE PLEASED WITH THE RESULTS.

I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S COMING.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE SORRY TO LOSE YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

THERE'S A NEW PAPERBOY IN TOWN.

LET ME INTRODUCE PAPERBOY 2000.

THE HIGH-TECH ANSWER TO NEWSPAPER DELIVERY.

THIS MACHINE DOES THE WORK OF ALL OUR PAPERBOYS FASTER

AND IN A MUCH MORE ECONOMICAL FASHION.

IN FACT, WE ESTIMATE SAVING OF UP TO $4 A WEEK.

$4 A WEEK?

I KNOW IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE MUCH,

BUT OVER THE COURSE OF A YEAR IT REALLY ADDS UP.

WELL, I GUESS IF YOU PUT IT THAT WAY

IT DOES KIND OF SOUND IMPRESSIVE.

WOW, WHAT A DAY.

YOU GOT THIS FANCY NEW MACHINE AND I'M GETTING A RAISE.

LET'S GO OUT AND HAVE A PARTY.

PETERSON, YOU'RE NOT COMPREHENDING THIS, ARE YOU? YOU'RE FIRED.

WHAT?

WELL, THIS IS JUST A BLATANT CASE OF SEXUAL DISCRIMINATION,

CUT AND DRY AND WRAPPED UP WITH A LITTLE BOW.

NO, IT'S BECAUSE OF PAPERBOY 2000.

TIME MARCHES ON, PETERSON.

SOON PAPERBOY 2000 WILL BE A STAPLE OF AMERICAN LIFE.

MARK MY WORDS, PETERSON,

IF NORMAN ROCKWELL WERE ALIVE TODAY,

HE'D BE PAINTING THIS BABY.

WAIT A SECOND.

NORMAN ROCKWELL'S DEAD?

GOSH!

YOU KNOW, I JUST NEED ABOUT 5 HOURS OF QUIET TIME ALONE IN THIS OFFICE, PLEASE.

DON'T WORRY, PETERSON, I'M SURE YOU'LL LAND ON YOUR FEET.

WELL, TO BE HONEST I HAVE MY DOUBTS ABOUT THAT.

ANYWAY, PASS THE NEWS ON TO THE OTHER PAPERBOYS.

TOMORROW IS YOUR LAST DAY.

[moans]

DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE ON MY LAST DAY

FOR YOU TO PROVIDE ME WITH A MISTRESS?

OH, DR. KRAMER. THANKS FOR COMING.

MRS. WHITMAN.

WE'RE HERE TO SUPPORT YOU, CHRIS.

YOU KNOW, CHRIS, LOSING A JOB IS ONE OF THE LEADING CAUSES

OF STRESS-RELATED ILLNESS.

SO WHAT EVER YOU DO, TRY NOT TO DIE.

WELL, I'LL TRY, DOC.

THIS IS A TERRIBLE THING, BEING REPLACED BY A MACHINE.

IT'S LIKE 1984. YES.

UH, THE YEAR'S 1990, DOC,

BUT, UH, I APPRECIATE THE SENTIMENT.

LET'S GET STARTED. LET'S SETTLE DOWN.

LET'S SETTLE DOWN, PEOPLE.

I KNOW WE'RE ALL SO ANXIOUS TO HEAR FROM OUR OWN CHRIS PETERSON.

HE CALLED THIS MEETING TO DISCUSS HIS PAPER ROUTE,

BUT FIRST IS THERE ANY OTHER BUSINESS?

SHARON POTTER, VERY WELL.

(Sharon) THANK YOU MRS. TROGDEN.

[sighing]

RESIDENTS OF GREENVILLE, WE ARE ALL IN GRAVE DANGER.

THE RESULTS OF THE TESTS ARE IN AND IT HAS BEEN CONFIRMED

THERE ARE DANGEROUSLY HIGH LEVELS OF RAYDON

IN GREENVILLE'S BASEMENTS.

NOW WE MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS PROBLEM.

IF WE DON'T... OK, SHARON.

WHOA, BOY! WAR OF THE WORLDS.

OH, THEY'RE ALL COMIN' DOWN WITH RAY GUNS.

I'M SO SCARED.

OK, I THINK OFFICER BURRELL HAS SOME DOCUMENTS FOR YOU TO SIGN.

THERE SHE GOES. SHARON POTTER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WASN'T SHE WONDERFUL?

OH, MY, ALWAYS WITH THE HOLLYWOOD CAUSES.

SHE INSULTED ME AND SHE INSULTED ALL OF YOU.

BUT NOW SHE'S GONE AND IT'S LIKE SOMEBODY OPENED A WINDOW IN HERE, HUH?

[all laughing]

NOW ON TO THINGS THAT WE ALL REALLY CARE ABOUT.

AS MOST OF YOU HAVE ALREADY PROBABLY HEARD,

ALL THE PAPERBOYS WERE FIRED TODAY.

[all gasping]

THAT'S RIGHT, BUT THE WORST THING ABOUT ALL THIS

IS THAT WE'RE BEING REPLACED BY A MACHINE.

(all) NO.

NOW, I KNOW THAT AS A PAPERBOY, I HAVE A FEW FAULTS.

NO, CHRIS, YOU'RE A GREAT PAPERBOY.

LARRY I KNOW, IT JUST ADDED A NICE RHYTHM IN MY SPEECH.

NO MACHINE COULD REPLACE YOU.

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

(all) YEAH!

WAIT!

BEFORE YOU MAKE A DECISION I THINK YOU SHOULD HEAR MORE

ABOUT OUR HIGH-TECH FRIEND.

PICTURE HAVING YOUR PAPER DELIVERED

BY A STATE-OF-THE-ART,

SLEEK, SHINY,

WHISPER-QUIET, ROBOTIC BUDDY

WITH IT'S OWN GUIDANCE SYSTEM.

WOW!

OUR VERY OWN ROBOT?

ARE YOU SAYING IT'S JUST LIKE LIVING IN OUTER SPACE?

YES, VERY MUCH LIKE LIVING IN SPACE.

YOU MEAN, LIKE THE JETSONS?

YES. THE JETSONS.

WHEN CAN WE SEE IT?

[all clamoring] IT'S IDLING RIGHT OUTSIDE.

WAIT, WAIT.

NO, DON'T GO. IT'S A TRICK.

HE'S THE DEVIL. DON'T GO. LARRY, LARRY?

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?

I DON'T KNOW. IT JUST SOUNDS KIND OF NEAT.

[all clamoring]

IT'S COOLER THAN THE BATMOBILE.

HEY, WAIT. DON'T GO FOLKS.

IT'S JUST A FAD.

REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE METRIC SYSTEM?

EVERYBODY HAD SUCH HIGH HOPES AND THEN NOTHING.

[kids screaming]

I'M WORRIED ABOUT CHRIS.

HE'S BEEN SO DEPRESSED SINCE HE LOST HIS JOB TO PAPERBOY 2000.

WELL, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE WE HAVE BEEN GETTING THE PAPER EARLIER

AND IN BETTER CONDITION.

PLUS, IT'S A LOT LIKE LIVING IN SPACE.

HI, DAD. HI, MOM.

MY! YOU'RE IN AN AWFULLY GOOD MOOD THIS MORNING.

(Chris) THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, LAST NIGHT I REALIZED I HAD TO THINK THINGS OUT.

SO I GAVE MYSELF A FULL-BODY HERBAL RUBDOWN.

[moans]

AND I REALIZED THAT

I REALLY SHOULD HAVE GIVEN UP MY PAPER ROUTE A LONG TIME AGO.

YEAH, LIKE MAYBE WHEN YOU WERE 12 YEARS OLD?

YOU KNOW, I KNOW NOW THAT SOMEWHERE OUT THERE

THERE'S GOT TO BE A BETTER JOB FOR ME.

I MEAN I COULD BE ANYTHING.

I COULD BE, UH, A JET PILOT,

OR... OR MAYBE A POLICEMAN,

OR THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, OR MAYBE A COWBOY.

THE POINT IS, I'M NOT GOING TO LET THIS GET ME DOWN.

I'M GONNA GO OUT THERE, I'M GONNA POUND THE PAVEMENT

UNTIL I FIND A BETTER JOB

AND I'M NOT GOING TO LET ANYTHING BETWEEN THE MOON AND NEW YORK CITY

STOP ME.

[grunting]

[whining] THIS DOOR'S LOCKED.

OH, WHO AM I KIDDING? I'VE FAILED.

I'M A LOSER.

WELL, HE GAVE IT HIS BEST SHOT, GLADYS.

[moaning]

[knocking on door]

[door opening] COME IN.

OH, CHRIS, ARE YOU OK?

YOUR FATHER AND I ARE WORRIED ABOUT YOU, RIGHT, FRED?

OH, MY GOD, LOOK AT THIS GARBAGE SCOW.

I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW BAD OFF YOU REALLY WERE, CHRIS.

YOU'VE COMPLETELY BOTTOMED OUT.

OH, NO, FRED, HIS ROOM'S ALWAYS BEEN THIS VILE AND DISGUSTING.

HE'S JUST KIND OF A PIG.

WELL, THAT'S A RELIEF.

NO, DAD, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I HAVE JUST KIND OF LET MYSELF GO.

LOOK AT ME. I LOOK LIKE FOSTER BROOKS.

REMEMBER, HE'S THE GENTLEMAN FROM THOSE ROASTS,

AND HE'D COME OUT AND HE'D HICCUP...

WE KNOW WHO HE IS, CHRIS.

OH, HE'D MAKE US LAUGH AND FORGET OUR PROBLEMS FOR A WHILE.

I COULD SURE GO FOR A VISIT FROM GOOD OLD FOSTER BROOKS RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

GLADYS.

DO YOU THINK TOO MUCH T.V. AS A KID CAN MAKE YOU AN IDIOT?

OH, I MISS MY OLD JOB.

I MISS SITTING SNUGLY ON MY BICYCLE SEAT,

GOING OVER PARTICULARLY BUMPY PARTS OF THE ROAD

AND THINKING ABOUT GIRLS.

FRED, SAY SOMETHING TO HIM.

[clears throat] GIVE HIM ONE OF YOUR PEP TALKS.

CHRIS?

KNOCK IT OFF. YOU'RE DRIVING US NUTS.

OK, I THINK WE GOT THROUGH TO HIM.

LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

�[bells chiming]

OH, FRED,

LOOK, IT'S PAPERBOY 2000.

I NEVER THOUGHT WE'D LIVE TO SEE

SOMETHING LIKE THIS IN OUR LIFETIME.

[groaning]

(Fred) NICE JOB, GLADYS.

MY LITTLE SPEECH WAS JUST BEGINNING TO SINK IN.

OH, HONEY, I'M SORRY.

I KIND OF MISS YOU DELIVERING OUR NEWSPAPERS TO US,

BUT IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

[echoing] NO ONE CAN BEAT A MACHINE.

WAIT A SECOND, MA.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

I'M GONNA...

WAIT, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

BEAT A MACHINE?

YEAH, THAT. THANKS.

THANKS.

HE'S GONNA MAKE A HORSE'S ASS OUT OF HIMSELF.

THEY WANT HIGH-TECH, I'LL GIVE 'EM HIGH-TECH.

HEY, LOOK EVERYBODY.

HEY, IT'S JUST LIKE LIVING IN SPACE.

IT'S NOTHING LIKE LIVING IN SPACE, YOU MORON.

CHRIS, REMEMBER, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS TODAY,

THEY CAN'T TAKE AWAY YOUR DIGNITY

BECAUSE YOU PRETTY MUCH DID THAT YOURSELF WITH THAT OUTFIT.

LARRY? IF I DON'T MAKE IT,

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT MY WILL IS UNDERNEATH MY MATTRESS IN MY BEDROOM.

I'M LEAVING EVERYTHING TO MY PARENTS,

EXCEPT FOR MY DIRTY LAUNDRY.

I'M LEAVING THAT TO SHARON,

WITH SPECIFIC ORDERS THAT SHE SEPARATE THE COLORS WHEN SHE WASHES THEM.

BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I'LL BE DEAD,

I'LL STILL WANT MY COLORS SEPARATED.

SHE'S GOTTA DO IT RIGHT, I MEAN IF IT'S MY LAST WISH?

IT'S THE LAW.

SHE'S GONNA BE SO P.O.ED.

LOOK, EVERYBODY.

HERE COMES PAPERBOY 2000.

UH, EXCUSE ME.

COULD SOMEBODY TELL ME WHICH END OF THIS TIN CAN IS THE BUTT,

BECAUSE I'M JUST ABOUT TO KICK IT.

YOU KNOW, PETERSON,

YOU'RE A GUTSY,

EMOTIONALLY TROUBLED KID

AND WELL, BETWEEN US, I HOPE YOU WIN.

AH, WHO AM I KIDDING?

I DON'T WANT YOU TO WIN, I'LL LOOK LIKE A TOTAL IDIOT.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.

READY, SET...

[whistle blowing]

I KNEW IT, GLADYS.

QUICK, LET'S SLINK AWAY BEFORE SOMEBODY NOTICES THE FAMILY RESEMBLANCE.

CHRIS. ARE YOU OK?

YEAH, I'M OK.

WELL, ACTUALLY YOU DID BETTER THAN I THOUGHT YOU WOULD.

I FIGURED YOU'D JUST FALL OVER AND SET YOUR CLOTHES ON FIRE.

WELL, LARRY, I'M NOT AN IDIOT.

I GUESS IT'S OVER, CHRIS.

[sighing] YEAH, I GUESS SO.

I GUESS SOCRATES WAS RIGHT.

YOU JUST CAN'T BEAT A BIG HIGH TECH COMPUTER-DRIVEN

NEWSPAPER DELIVERY SYSTEM.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M MAN ENOUGH TO TAKE MY FAILURE IN STRIDE.

[weeping]

[whimpering]

YOU SON OF A BITCH.

I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU

GOD! IT'S GONE GOOFY ON US.

OH, NO. PAPERBOY 2000 IS HEADED RIGHT FOR THAT BABY CARRIAGE.

[all sighing]

BOY, THAT WAS CLOSE.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF THERE'D BEEN A BABY IN THERE?

CHRIS, THAT WAS BRILLIANT.

WHAT DID YOU DO TO FINALLY GET IT TO STOP?

I DON'T KNOW I THINK IT JUST KIND OF RAN OUT OF GAS.

CHRIS, YOU'RE A HERO.

IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU THIS BABY CARRIAGE

COULD HAVE NEEDED MAJOR REPAIRS.

WELL, PETERSON, I GUESS YOU MADE YOUR POINT.

PAPERBOY 2000 IS FLAWLESS EXCEPT IF SOMEONE KICKS IT IN THE TIRE.

IT TURNS INTO AN OUT OF CONTROL KILLING MACHINE.

IT'S STARTING TO MAKE SENSE WHY THEY BANNED THIS THING IN EASTERN EUROPE.

I'M BEGINNING TO THINK THAT THE RISK TO INNOCENT PEOPLE

OUTWEIGHS THE EXTRA $4 A WEEK FOR HUMAN PAPERBOYS.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

PENDING APPROVAL FROM THE HEAD OFFICE,

WE'RE REHIRING ALL THE OLD PAPERBOYS.

[all cheering]

NOW WAIT A SECOND. MAYBE I DON'T WANT YOU LITTLE JOB BACK, HUH?

DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT?

MAYBE I WANNA BE THE TIN FOIL WOODSMAN IN THE TOWN,

ADORED BY ALL THE CHILDREN FROM NOW ON.

WELL, IF YOU'VE GOT A BETTER OFFER.

NO! I SAID MAYBE.

COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? OF COURSE I WANT MY JOB BACK.

HEY, EVERYBODY, I'M BACK.

[all cheering]

AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

I THINK WE'VE ALL KIND OF LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON HERE TODAY.

THAT A MAN, NO MATTER HOW PUNY OR BALD

OR OVERWEIGHT OR BEARDED

CAN STILL HAVE A PLACE IN TODAY'S SOCIETY

THAT'S MOSTLY RULED BY

CORPORATE BIBIDDY BOBIDDY BOOBIDDY BOOS.

AND THAT ONE MAN'S VOICE CAN STILL BE HEARD OVER

THE ENDLESS DRONE OF... OF THOSE THAT SEEM TO DRONE ON ENDLESSLY.

AND ACTUALLY WHAT WE SHOULDN'T DO IS CHIT CHAT REALLY,

FOR TOMORROW IS LABOR DAY.

HEY, WHERE'S EVERYONE GOING?

[Paperboy 2000 revving]