Original subtitles

�[Stand by R.E.M. playing]

[bicycle bell ringing]

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� NOW FACE NORTH

� THINK ABOUT DIRECTION

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK �

� NOW FACE WEST

� THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE �

� WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE �

� STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU ARE �

� SO STAND

SO, I DON'T KNOW. MY KIDS, THEY DO THE DARNDEST THINGS.

I GO UPSTAIRS LAST NIGHT AND THERE'S TOMMY UP THERE, RIGHT?

HE'S GOT ON BETTY'S HIGH HEELS.

SO, I LOOK A LITTLE CLOSER.

HE'S GOT ON LIPSTICK AND MASCARA.

[Ted and Betty laughing]

THESE KIDS, THEY DO THE CUTEST, CRAZIEST THINGS.

YOUR KIDS DO THAT KIND OF STUFF, RIGHT?

WELL...

YEAH, I THINK ONCE BOBBY PUT ON ONE OF MY SOCKS BY MISTAKE.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. YOU SEE THAT'S EXACTLY THE SAME KIND OF THING.

OH, CRAP.

CHARLEEN, YOU LISTEN TO YOUR BIG SISTER.

LEAVING THAT BONE-HEAD MORGAN WAS THE WAS THE SMARTEST THING YOU EVER DID.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

HE JUST GOT TO BE A SNOOZE.

IT'S NOT LIKE HE DID ANYTHING WRONG,

I JUST DON'T THINK WE'RE COMPATIBLE.

WELL, OF COURSE HE DID SOMETHING WRONG.

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS YET.

BUT I GUARANTEE HE DID SOMETHING BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY MEN ARE.

AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, YOU JUST READ THAT BOOK,

SMART WOMEN, ALL MEN ARE STUPID BASTARDS.

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

[doorbell ringing]

HI, SHARON.

HEY, NICE DRESS.

I THINK I SAW THAT ONE ON THE HOME SHOPPING NETWORK.

THEY SOLD ABOUT 400 OF THEM IN A MINUTE.

CHRIS, LET ME PUT THIS JUST AS DELICATELY AS I POSSIBLY CAN.

LARRY AND I ARE HAVING A DINNER PARTY. GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

OH, JEEZ.

[whispering] SORRY.

[grunting]

HI FOLKS, SORRY I'M LATE.

[grunting] I HAD A LITTLE TROUBLE GETTING BY

CHECKPOINT CHARLIE.

SHARON, AREN'T YOU GONNA INTRODUCE ME?

TED, BETTY, AN IDIOT.

PLEASE EXCUSE HER, SHE'S STINKING DRUNK.

HI, I'M CHRIS PETERSON AND YOU ARE...

HIGGINS, AREN'T YOU?

YEAH, I RECOGNIZE YOU. YOU GUYS ARE ON MY ROUTE.

AND, HEY, YOU OWE ME FOR 3 WEEKS.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT ONE TO BRING UP BUSINESS AT A SOCIAL GATHERING

BUT I WOULD HATE TO SEE THAT SHOW UP ON YOUR CREDIT REPORT, PAL.

HELLO.

WHO IS THIS RAVISHING,

EXQUISITE,

COMBINATION OF

STUFF?

THIS IS SHARON'S SISTER, CHARLEEN.

LARRY, THAT IS THE MOST VILE, DISGUSTING, FILTHY JOKE

I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

CHRIS, I AM GOING TO COUNT TO 10 AND...

SHARON, THAT MAY HAVE IMPRESSED PEOPLE WHEN YOU WERE 3,

BUT I THINK THIS IS A LITTLE MORE SOPHISTICATED CROWD HERE.

SO, CHARLEEN, HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BE IN TOWN FOR?

CHRIS, DON'T I HEAR YOUR MOTHER CALLING?

CHRIS LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS, CHARLEEN.

WHICH ISN'T TOO SURPRISING CONSIDERING HE IS A 30 YEAR-OLD PAPERBOY.

YOU KNOW, I THINK WHAT YOU'RE SISTER'S TRYING TO DO

IS MAKE ME LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

BUT DON'T JUDGE ME UNTIL YOU KNOW THE FACTS.

THE TRUTH IS, I'M HEAD PAPERBOY

AND I DO NOT LIVE WITH MY PARENTS.

I LIVE IN VERY COOL BACHELOR PAD,

WHICH JUST HAPPENS TO BE OVER MY PARENTS' GARAGE.

THERE, NOW I THINK I MADE YOUR SISTER LOOK RATHER FOOLISH, DIDN'T I?

WOULD SOMEONE BESIDES HIM PLEASE TALK?

DID ANYBODY HEAR THAT NEW GEORGE WINSTON C.D.? IT'S, IT'S GREAT...

[all murmuring]

SO, ANYWAY, I HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM LAST NIGHT.

I'M IN THE SUPERMARKET IN BRAZIL,

AND I'M IN THE FROZEN FOOD SECTION.

AND FOR SOME REASON,

THE FROZEN TURKEYS ARE ON SALE.

THESE AREN'T JUST THE GENERIC FROZEN TURKEYS,

THESE ARE THE REAL ONES, THESE ARE THE BUTTERBALLS.

CHRIS, MAYBE THIS COULD WAIT? BA, BA, BA, BA.

SO, I SQUEEZE ONE OF THEM TO FIND OUT IF ITS FRESH OR NOT,

AND SUDDENLY ANOTHER ONE POPS UP AND STARTS CHASING ME DOWN THE AISLE.

WHICH IS PRETTY ODD, YOU KNOW, TO HAVE A TURKEY WITH A KNIFE

CHASING YOU DOWN THE AISLE.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE USUALLY WE ARE THE ONES THAT ARE CUTTING UP THE TURKEYS.

AND THAT'S JUST THE FIRST LEVEL.

SO, I RUN PAST THE SOUP SECTION OVER TO THE GUN DEPARTMENT.

[Ted sighing] SO I'M PUKING AND PUKING UP LIVE FISH.

AND SOME OF THE FISH ARE TRYING TO SWIM BACK UP STREAM BACK INTO MY MOUTH.

[sighing]

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME?

BUT WAIT, YOU... YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HAD DINNER YET.

YEAH, WE HAVE A WONDERFUL TROUT.

[exclaiming]

WELL THAT'S OK, THAT JUST MEANS THERE'S MORE FOR US.

MY DREAMS ALWAYS REALLY MAKE ME HUNGRY.

HEY, FOLKS, DON'T FORGET THAT MONEY.

I'LL BE BY YOUR HOUSE TOMORROW.

[dog barking] DEADBEATS.

BOY, THEY CERTAINLY WERE AN EXCITING PAIR.

I THINK WE'RE MUCH BETTER OFF WITHOUT THEM.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, CHARLEEN, HONEY.

[dog barking]

[crickets chirping]

COME ON, SHARON, HE'S NOT A BAD GUY. HE'S LONELY.

OK, HE NEEDS A LITTLE HELP WITH HIS SOCIAL SKILLS.

REALLY, GUYS, IT WASN'T SO BAD.

IT WAS KIND OF LIKE SPENDING AN EVENING WITH DAFFY DUCK.

IF YOUR STUPID FRIEND COMES ANYWHERE NEAR

MY POOR VULNERABLE SISTER AGAIN,

I WILL KILL HIM AND YOU,

DRAG YOUR LIFELESS BODIES TO A REMOTE WOODED AREA,

AND THEN BURY YOU BOTH IN SHALLOW GRAVES.

HONEY, SHE'S PROBABLY NEVER GOING TO SEE HIM AGAIN.

HEY KIDS, HI.

WE'VE GOT A LITTLE ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

CHARLEEN AND I HAVE A DATE TOMORROW.

OK, HERE WE GO.

HERE'S POPCORN FOR LARRY,

RED VINES FOR CHARLEEN.

AND, SHARON, HERE'S YOUR NACHOS

WITH MUSTARD, HOT FUDGE SAUCE, AND EXTRA BUTTER.

I ASKED FOR RAISONETTES, CHRIS.

OH, I'M SORRY YOU MUST HAVE SLURRED YOUR SPEECH. I DIDN'T QUITE CATCH THAT.

LARRY, ISN'T CHARLEEN JUST THE MOST PERFECT WOMAN YOU'VE EVER MET IN YOUR LIFE?

I MEAN, WAS SHARON JUST KEEPING HER UNDER WRAPS UNTIL YOU GUYS GOT MARRIED?

AND THEN WENT YOU FINALLY MET HER, DIDN'T YOU WANT

TO JUST BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT OR SOMETHING?

[Charlene sighing]

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT. IT'S SO RUDE.

THERE'S PLENTY OF OTHER SEATS IN THE THEATER.

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

ALL RIGHT, HONEY, LET ME SHOW YOU A LITTLE TRICK

THAT GOES BACK TO QUEEN VICTORIA. WATCH THIS.

[clears throat]

[heaving]

[gasping]

OOH, GOD, I FEEL SICK.

[heaving]

THERE, JUST A LITTLE INSURANCE POLICY

TO MAKE SURE WE DON'T HAVE ANYMORE INCONSIDERATE NEIGHBORS.

HE'S CHARMING, ISN'T HE?

WELL, I DO HAVE AN UNOBSTRUCTED VIEW NOW.

[sighing] CHARLEEN, I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT AN IDIOT THIS GUY IS.

SHH.

PLEASE, THE NEWSREEL'S ABOUT TO BEGIN.

[man speaking French onscreen]

[woman speaking French onscreen]

HEY, SOUND, SOUND. CHECK YOUR SPEED, IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

[all hushing]

CHRIS, IT'S A FRENCH MOVIE WITH SUBTITLES.

WELL LARRY, THEY'RE JUST TALKING BABY TALK UP THERE.

[speaking gibberish]

WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS MOVIE, LET'S ALL TALK BABY TALK, OR SOMETHING?

SIR, COULD YOU PLEASE TALK YOUR FEET DOWN AND BE QUIET?

OH, EXCUSE ME, MR. ADOLPH EICHMANN.

I HAPPEN TO HAVE TO SIT THIS WAY FOR MEDICAL REASONS.

AT HOME I USE NOTHING BUT A CONTOUR CHAIR AND THERE ARE NONE PROVIDED HERE,

HENCE MY RECLINING DEMEANOR.

YOU'RE OUT OF HERE, WISEASS.

COME ON.

HEY, WHAT THE... HEY, HEY!

[Chris screaming]

THEY'RE BEATING THE HELL OUT OF HIM. SHOULDN'T WE HELP HIM?

NO.

SHARON, WILL YOU GET OVER IT ALREADY? THEY JUST HAD ONE DATE.

IT WAS JUST THAT HE WAS WITH HER,

BREATHING THE SAME GENERAL AIR,

GETTING HIS DISGUSTING CHRIS MICROBES ALL OVER HER.

I KNOW, BUT YOU SAW WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.

HE DIDN'T MAKE A GREAT IMPRESSION.

THEY'LL PROBABLY NEVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN.

[screaming]

[screaming]

IS THERE A PROBLEM, SHARON?

[sighing]

I'M SORRY, WE WEREN'T EXPECTING YOU HOME

AND THE BED IN THE GUEST ROOM IS A SINGLE.

CHARLEEN, SHARON'S THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE APOLOGIZING.

SHE JUST SCREAMED OVER THE PART WHERE JACK KLUGMAN TELLS THE RESULTS OF THE AUTOPSY.

[T.V. playing]

CHARLEEN, OUT.

LARRY, BURN THE BED.

OK, SHARON, BUT I WARN YOU. I'M NOT WEARING UNDERPANTS.

CHRIS, STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

CHARLEEN, OUT.

LARRY, BURN THE BED.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SO UPSET ABOUT.

YOUR SISTER SAID IT WAS OK.

IN FACT SHE SAID IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO THAT RIGHT NOW. THAT WOULD BE DISTASTEFUL.

I'M GOING TO WASH MY EYES OUT WITH SOAP.

[T.V. continues playing]

AH, LARRY, LARRY.

WOULD YOU MIND GIVING US A FEW MOMENTS? WE'D LIKE TO CUDDLE.

MOM, DAD.

I THINK I'VE JUST MET THE ONE I WANNA SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH.

OH, NO, HE'S FOUND ANOTHER STRAY DOG.

NO, DAD. FOR YOUR INFORMATION, IT'S A WOMAN.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

AND WHO KNOWS, WE MIGHT EVEN GET MARRIED.

WELL, GETTING MARRIED IS A BIG RESPONSIBILITY, DEAR.

I KNOW, MA.

AND I KNOW THAT IF IT EVER COMES TO THAT

MY LIFESTYLE WOULD PROBABLY HAVE TO CHANGE.

FOR INSTANCE, I'D PROBABLY HAVE TO TAKE ON ANOTHER STREET ON MY ROUTE.

WELL, CHRIS, IF YOU DO WIND UP GETTING MARRIED,

AND YOU NEED A LITTLE EXTRA HELP GETTING STARTED, JUST REMEMBER,

AND THIS COMES RIGHT FROM THE HEART, SON,

WE'RE ON A FIXED INCOME.

YOU KNOW, I KNOW THE TWO OF YOU PROBABLY THINK I'M JUST CHILDLY INFATUATED,

BUT I'VE HONESTLY NEVER FELT THIS WAY ABOUT A PERSON BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

AND BESIDES, THE SEX IS INCREDIBLE.

CHRIS, WE'RE VERY GRATEFUL AND FLATTERED

THAT YOU FEEL CLOSE ENOUGH TO SHARE THIS WITH US.

AND THAT WE'RE CLOSE ENOUGH TO TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS,

BUT LET'S NOT.

EVER.

THAT'S RIGHT, SON, WE JUST DON'T APPRECIATE

THAT KIND OF FILTH TALK IN OUR HOUSE.

I LOVE YOU, GUYS.

GOOD MORNING, LARRY.

GOOD MORNING, SIS.

GOD, HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOCK ANYMORE.

WELL, WHY SHOULD I KNOCK? WE'RE PRACTICALLY FAMILY.

AND YOU KNOW IN MY FAMILY, WHEN SOMEBODY COMES IN THE DOOR,

WE HUG.

UH-HUH.

OH, OH.

THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE. THINK OF SOMETHING NICE.

KITTENS, A GRASSY FIELD,

FLOWERS.

THERE, ISN'T THAT BETTER?

NOW, WHERE'S CHARLEEN?

I'M SUPPOSED TO TAKE HER TO THE MALL AND THEN

[chuckling] THEN...

CHARLEEN MOVED TO CHINA,

GOT HIT BY A TRUCK, AND WAS CREMATED.

I SEE.

SO IN YOUR OWN COLORFUL WAY YOU'RE TELLING ME

THAT CHARLEEN IS UPSTAIRS RIGHT NOW,

MAKING HERSELF PRETTY FOR ME.

THAT'S FINE. I'LL JUST MAKE MYSELF AT HOME AND WAIT RIGHT HERE.

[grunting]

[sighing] OH, BOY,

WE ARE GONNA MAKE A GREAT FAMILY.

BY THE WAY, TURKEYWISE, I'M A DARK MEAT MAN.

AND AROUND CHRISTMAS TIME I'M A 28 WAIST AND ABOUT A 40 INSEAM.

AND AT YOM KIPPUR YOU'RE ALL INVITED OVER TO MY PLACE FOR A BIG BLOW OUT OF A FAST.

YOU KNOW I'M STARTING TO UNDERSTAND

WHY THERE ARE SO MANY SUICIDES ON THE HOLIDAYS.

YOU KNOW, SHARON, I'M STARTING TO SENSE A LITTLE SARCASM FROM YOU.

NOW I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM HAVING THE RELATIONSHIP OF MY LIFE WITH YOUR SISTER.

AND THAT'S VERY MOVING TO ME.

FOR INSTANCE, THE OTHER DAY WE WERE AT THE LAKE AND...

[chuckling] WELL...

CHRIS.

CHARLEEN.

[glass breaking]

I'M SORRY,

BUT THE HOSE WOULDN'T REACH IN HERE.

SHARON, WILL YOU TAKE IT EASY?

I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

MAYBE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

NOW THIS WHOLE THING COULD BE EXPLAINED

BY A SMALL ANEURYSM. IT'S JUST...

I'M FINE.

HE'S SPONTANEOUS, HE'S UNPREDICTABLE.

AND HE'S TAUGHT ME THAT BENNY HILL CAN BE FUNNY IN SMALL DOSES.

WOULD IT REALLY HURT TO SEE A DOCTOR?

OR BETTER YET A DEPROGRAMMER?

CHRIS, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT, SHE IS SORT OF A MAJOR...

[both laughing] YEAH, NO KIDDING.

WHAT?

WHAT DID HE SAY ABOUT ME?

OH, NOTHING SHARON. THAT'S PRIVILEGED INFORMATION.

LOVERS' SECRETS.

COME ON CHARLEEN, LET'S GO TO THE MALL AND... AND THEN...

[both laughing]

WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. NO, SHARON.

WHAT?

EXCUSE ME, HAVE WE JUST ENTERED A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

WHERE YOU DISAGREE WITH ME?

I JUST THINK THAT CHRIS AND CHARLEEN HAVE THE RIGHT TO DATE WHO THEY WANT TO DATE.

I MEAN, SURE CHRIS IS A KIND OF GAS-HEAD IDIOT AND GETS ON PEOPLE'S NERVES.

BUT THE POINT IS HE HAS RIGHTS AND AS HIS BEST FRIEND, I HAVE TO STAND UP FOR THESE RIGHTS.

SO I SUPPORT THIS RELATIONSHIP.

AND I THINK IF YOU'RE A DECENT PERSON,

YOU'LL DO THE SAME.

YOU KNOW...

YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHAT WAS THAT?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

MY SISTER SHOULD BE ABLE TO CHOOSE HER OWN BOYFRIEND.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT. I REALLY HAD AN EFFECT ON YOU.

[sighing]

HELLO, MORGAN?

THIS IS SHARON.

CHARLEEN'S SISTER?

WELL, I... I'M JUST CALLING BECAUSE

YOU KNOW, I THINK CHARLEEN MISSES YOU.

WELL, HI, YOU TWO. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

OH, PRETTY GOOD, UNTIL WE RAN OUT OF CONDOMS.

HOW CHARMING.

IT'S LIKE LIVING IN A NOEL COWARD PLAY.

OH, MORGAN.

CHARLEEN.

MORGAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, I THOUGHT THAT...

I MEAN YOU'RE SISTER SAID...

AH, EXCUSE ME.

COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE INTRODUCE ME TO JETHRO?

THIS IS MORGAN BOLGER, MY EX-BOYFRIEND.

OH, COME, COME, CHARLEEN, LET'S INTRODUCE HIM PROPERLY.

THIS IS MORGAN, "FORMER ALL-PRO QUARTERBACK,

NOW PARTNER IN ONE OF THE LARGEST CONTRACTING FIRMS IN THE STATE," BOLGER.

OH, MY. WELL, HI, I'M CHRIS,

"WHO CARES BECAUSE CHARLEEN OBVIOUSLY LIKES ME A LOT BETTER," PETERSON.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

MORGAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HERE.

YOU HEARD THE LADY.

WHY DON'T YOU RUN ALONG?

HEY, PAL, STAY OUT OF THIS, OK?

LISTEN, MR. BIGSHOT DONALD TRUMP KNUTE ROCKNE GREEN HORNET.

YOU MAY THINK YOU'RE ONE BIG DEAL

WITH YOUR FAST CARS AND YOUR FANCY JEWELRY

AND YOUR HAM RADIOS.

BUT I BET YOU CAN'T DO THIS.

[imitating dog barking]

I'M SORRY, CHARLEEN.

IT'S MY FAULT THAT YOU'VE HAD TO TURN TO IDIOTS FOR COMPANIONSHIP.

I'M SORRY THAT YOU HAD TO TURN TO TURN TO COMPANIONS FOR IDIOTSHIPNESS.

SEE, THE OLD REVERSAL.

MORGAN, STOP IT. WHAT IS IT WITH YOU?

HOW MANY NECKS ARE YOU GONNA SNAP IN MY HONOR?

MORGAN, I SWEAR.

I'M GIVING YOU 3 SECONDS,

AND THEN, SO HELP ME GOD, I'M GONNA SCREAM LIKE A WOMAN.

MORGAN, DROP HIM.

[Chris groaning] OK.

LISTEN, FRIEND, IF I'VE LOST ANY RANGE IN MY SINGING VOICE WHATSOEVER,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO ANSWER TO ONE P.O.ED CHURCH CHOIR.

I'M SORRY, CHARLEEN.

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT WHEN YOUR SISTER CALLED

AND SAID THAT MAYBE YOU WANTED TO GET BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.

MORGAN, LOOK,

I'M SORRY IF YOU GOT THE WRONG IMPRESSION AND YOU'VE BEEN

CRUELLY AND EVILLY MISLEAD.

BUT OUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.

I KNEW THAT.

NO, I... I WAS FINE WITH THAT.

I NEVER WOULD HAVE DROVE ALL THE WAY OVER HERE IF SHE DIDN'T CALL.

IT'S A 4 HOUR ROUND TRIP.

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, YOU'RE PAYING GAS AND TOLLS.

THERE. WELL.

GUESS I SCARED HIM OFF, HUH?

SHARON.

FROM NOW ON, YOU STAY OUT OF MY ROMANTIC LIFE

OR I'LL PIN YOUR NECK AGAINST THE WALL.

DO YOU HEAR ME?

YES.

NOW LEAVE US ALONE.

WOW, HONEY, THAT WAS GREAT.

BOY, NOW THERE'S NOTHING IN THE WAY OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.

IT'S JUST YOU AND ME FOREVER.

EXCUSE ME?

WELL, CHARLEEN DO I HAVE TO SAY IT WITH CUBIC ZIRCONIA?

CHRIS.

OUR TIME TOGETHER HAS BEEN TERRIFIC,

BUT YOU DIDN'T THINK THIS WAS A PERMANENT THING, DID YOU?

I MEAN, THIS IS JUST A MINDLESS FLING.

I JUST BROKE UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND A WEEK AGO.

SO THIS COULD NEVER BE ANYTHING BUT A CLASSIC TRANSITIONAL RELATIONSHIP.

ANYBODY WOULD KNOW THAT.

ALL RIGHT NOW, WAIT A SECOND.

HOLD ALL CALLS, MISSY.

ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU JUST USED ME

LIKE A PIECE OF COMMON HOUSEHOLD CHEESE?

NO. I DON'T THINK SO.

WELL, MAYBE I... I DIDN'T MAKE MYSELF CLEAR.

YOU USED THIS TEMPLE,

WHICH I CALL MY BODY,

AS A DUMPING GROUND FOR YOUR TWISTED SEXUAL DESIRES.

OH, YEAH.

YEAH, I GUESS I DID.

GOSH, I'M SORRY.

NO, DON'T BE SORRY.

THAT'S GREAT.

WOW.

I WAS ACTUALLY USED FOR SEX.

AND I WAS TOO STUPID TO EVEN REALIZE IT.

WOW.

ME.

A SEX OBJECT.

THAT'S SOMETHING I CAN TELL MY GRANDKIDS ABOUT.

THANKS, CHARLEEN.

THANKS A LOT.

BOY. HEY, LISTEN, IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN TOWN NEXT WEEK,

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A CALL AND THEN MAYBE WE CAN HAVE A LITTLE MORE SEX.

SURE. WEIRDER THINGS.

HEY, LARRY.

I THINK YOU'RE SISTER-IN-LAW JUST USED ME FOR SEX.

CHRIS, I'M SORRY.

NO. I LIKED IT.

AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING? I THINK I'VE LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON HERE.

THAT WOMEN ON THE REBOUND ARE ANIMALS.

AREN'T YOU GONNA MISS HER?

YEAH, I AM.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'LL ALWAYS HAVE MY MEMORIES.

�[How Deep Is Your Love by The Bee Gees playing]

� I KNOW YOUR EYES IN THE MORNING SUN �

� I FEEL YOU TOUCH ME IN THE POURING RAIN �

� AND THE MOMENT THAT YOU WANDER FAR FROM ME �

� I WANNA FEEL YOU IN MY ARMS AGAIN �

� AND YOU COME TO ME ON A SUMMER BREEZE �

� KEEP ME WARM IN YOUR LOVE

� THEN YOU SOFTLY LEAVE

� AND IT'S ME YOU NEED TO SHOW �

� HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE?

� HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE?

� HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE?

ARE YOU GOING TO GET HIM OUT OF HERE?

HONEY, HE'S ENJOYING HIS MEMORIES.

HE'S A PSYCHO.

LET'S JUST GO TO BED. HE'S USUALLY GONE BY MORNING.

(Chris) OH, MY GOD, I'VE GONE BLIND.