Original subtitles

With this kind of cardiomyopathy,

really the only option is transplant.

The problem is,

a heart can arrive tomorrow,

or it can take up to five years.

So...

How long has she got?

It's impossible to say.

Three months. Six months.

A year, maybe, if we're lucky.

But she'll die...

without the...

...the transplant?

It's important you both stay positive for your little girl.

I'm not sure of your financial situation,

but there is an experimental drug treatment in the United States.

They have had some success.

But...

It... It's very expensive.

Hm, Hydroxychloroquine.

Well, it's Indy's life. We'll pay anything.

It runs over half a million dollars.

We have no way of getting that kind of money.

Could you get a loan?

Um, I mean, what if we just flew out there?

Sure they wouldn't send us away?

Yeah! Well, I'm a soldier.

They love soldiers in America.

They also love ranch dressing.

Do you think that will fix her?

Jesus Christ, Atlantis. Really?

Ivermectin or...

Maybe you could set up a GoFundMe site?

Do you know anyone with a blue check-mark?

A... A what, sorry?

We had one of the stars of Married at First Sight

in here last week.

She had a blue check-mark.

She was verified.

She posted about one of our little girls with leukaemia.

They raised a $160,000 in 24 hours

all because she had a blue check-mark.

What the fuck is a blue check-mark?

Did you get it?

It must be selfie mode.

Oh, must it be?

Now we have no choice but to shoot another one.

Grab him.

We're not supposed to be here.

- A little late for that. - No, no!

No, no, no, no, no. I don't mean "here".

I mean, "here" as in, your country.

We are not supposed to be here.

And neither is he.

But here we are.

Huh? And it's your government that allows this.

They are the bad guys, not you.

We know that.

Your government has invited us here to...

to take from your land,

- and to... to build golf courses... - Shammi.

Hey! Just... Just wait! Wait, please!

Where did ISIS go wrong, huh?

Uh, probably a few places. Right?

They went too hard, too early.

They made themselves the bad guys.

And if you start shooting Americans on camera,

that is exactly what you...

You know nothing about my people and our struggle.

No, but they do. Huh? These two?

Give us a day to workshop something.

You know, we'll make another video.

This time, one focusing on your story.

Give us a chance to pitch you something smarter,

and more effective than five more dead soldiers.

That's... That's all I'm asking.

Fine.

You have one day.

But if I do not like it...

Then you could shoot me next.

Utah was a good soldier,

and even better man.

His poor wife.

What do we do now?

Guess we join the rebellion.

What? No. No! No! No, no.

Put that back on you, you idiot! Guys! Guys! Guys!

This is simple.

All we have to do is make the greatest hostage video ever.

Yeah, but how are we gonna do that?

You're gonna teach us.

Teach you what?

Acting.

- What do I know about acting? - Oh, come on, Cap!

We all know why you wear that stupid eyepatch.

We've all seen the YouTube video.

- You've seen that? - Think everyone's seen it, mate.

Brought a lot of laughter and a lot of light to a lot of people.

Yeah, it's like, the best ever on the YouTube.

My mum used to show me everyday before school.

Yeah. See?

Come on, Cap, we need you.

You don't understand what you're asking me to do

That's a world I left long behind.

Just let me at 'em.

Get these cuffs off me, and I will get us out of here.

Easy does it, Bruce Willis.

How'd your last plan work out?

Great! Until you ruined it.

- You ruined it! - Rowdy, please.

Cap, please.

You are a great actor.

Yeah?

If we're gonna do this,

we're going to need to be willing to embrace truth.

No way!

Peace in Behati-Prinsloo under threat tonight,

with unconfirmed reports of an American soldier

killed by rebel forces.

With Secretary of State, Alaska Adams,

still denying American involvement in the region,

it is now widely believed

that the only hope for brokering a deal between the Royal Family,

and rebel separatists,

is strong and decisive intervention

from Australian Prime Minister, Warren Whistle.

Stakes could not be any higher.

I'm Penny Pimberhurst.

This is Cap. Dylan Fox.

Australian Defence Force.

We've been captured by rebel f...

Holy fuck!

...freedom fighters.

Dylan.

♪ Zinga-zinga-zoo! Zinga-zinga-zoo! ♪

♪ Zinga-zinga-zoo! Zinga-zinga-zoo! ♪

♪ Zing, zing, zing, zing, zoo! ♪

♪ Zinga-zinga-zoo! Zinga-zinga-zoo! ♪

♪ Zinga-zinga-zoo! Zinga-zinga-zoo! ♪

♪ Zing, zing, zing zing, zoo! ♪

♪ Zinga-zinga-zoo! Zinga-zinga-zoo! ♪

♪ Zinga-zinga-zoo! Zinga-zinga-zoo! ♪

♪ Zing, zing, zing, zing, zoo! ♪

What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Don't listen to him, Albhanis.

All right? Just stay in the moment. That's where we find the truth.

- Alright. Let's just riff a little. Um... - Okay.

- What do you call your father? - "Dad".

I don't believe you.

What do you call your father?

"Dad".

Okay, uh...

- What does he call you? - "Dad".

No, what does he call you?

Yeah, he calls me "Dad," I call him "Dad".

Your da...

Hey. I'm sorry, guys. This is why we have to keep doing the warm-up.

♪ Zinga-zinga-zoo! Zinga-zinga-zoo! ♪

♪ Zinga-zinga-zoo! Zinga-zinga-zoo! ♪

♪ Zing, zing, zing, zing, zoo! ♪

♪ Zinga-zinga-zoo! Zinga-zinga-zoo! ♪

♪ Zinga-zinga-zoo! Zinga-zinga-zoo! ♪

- ♪ Zing, zing, zing, zing, zoo... ♪ - Shut the fuck up!

My friend was just murdered.

Oh, my God.

There it is.

That is truth.

That is pain. Keep going.

Release me from my binds, please.

Let me have my vengeance.

See, Albhanis,

that's what we need to feel when you say "Dad".

I'll kill every single one of these motherfuckers!

Okay, just reign it in a little.

You gotta have a character arc, you want somewhere to go.

Yeah, you're not Rambo, champ.

Oh, I love the John Rambo.

Albhanis, don't worry about John Rambo, all right?

Worry about the truth.

Let's go again.

Dad.

Almost.

Believe.

Zing, zoo. Zing, zoo.

Dad.

There it is.

Remember this.

All right. Who's next?

Oh, come on, Cap. Surely there's a shortcut to all this shit?

No, there's not a shortcut, Rowdy!

This is acting!

Everyone that watches this video has to believe that we are soldiers

begging for our lives.

Yes.

But we are soldiers begging for our lives.

Is that right, Phil?

'Cause I don't believe you!

The crowd is roaring. Their hero is coming on.

Thorpie’s coming out after Hall.

- Will it be a fairytale? - How fucking good is Thorpie?

Who the fuck are these guys?

Are you gonna play that every time I come to see you, Prime Minister?

If you're lucky.

How good was Thorpie, eh?

We got a lap pool here, you know, out the back. You wanna race?

- Now? - Yeah. You do Butterfly?

Sir, nobody does Butterfly.

How good was Thorpie?

I really don't know.

I don't actually watch swimming.

Everybody watches swimming!

Everybody loves the "Thorpedo," hey?

What a missed opportunity that was.

Should've declared a public holiday.

Would've changed everything.

Hawkey would've done that.

Howard, stingy fucker.

Sir, we have intel that your boys have flipped.

What? I told them to slow down. They've been on the piss again?

Not your boys, Warren.

- These boys. - Ah! Here she is!

You sending boys into Behati-Prinsloo could be a big problem for us.

We don't have any boys in Behati-Prinsloo, Madam Secretary.

Do you really not know that,

or you're just not supposed to know that?

- Nobody knows. - I know.

Yeah, I know you know. But nobody else knows.

And so, when did you know that nobody else knows?

I'm not sure when we knew. When did you know?

Oh, we've always known. We know everything, Warren.

- Didn't know this. - We did know this.

So, why are you asking me?

Protocol. We have to ask you if you know.

- What if I didn't know? - You didn't know.

What if I really didn't know?

Well, that's why I told you, in case you really didn't know.

Well, that's fucking nice of you, Madam Secretary.

I know.

Now look, we're on a clock for this one, Prime Minister,

so, we need to make this go away.

Or we're just gonna have to carpet bomb the whole island.

No, no! You can't do that! You can't do that!

Listen, I'll sort it out, honestly.

We got the Shark opening a couple of golf courses there in a minute.

I'll sort it, fair dinkum, okay?

Thank you, PM.

See you, love.

Watch the race again?

- It boring! - You know what, Shammi?

When you're giving notes, it's nice to say something positive

- and then... - Ah, okay, okay, okay.

No, you look great, hmm? Well done.

Director Bustard is going to shoot you all in the face.

- It's still very negative. - You are hostages!

- Prisoners of war! - Exactly.

Realism. We should have our shirts off.

And what's he going to do, Captain America, huh?

I am going to be kicking your ass!

- No, he's not. - I'll break your fucking face!

- He's gonna be facing the wall. - He's not even involved.

- It feels a bit soapy for me. - Yeah. Mamalo, he's overacting.

He's not even involved. We've worked really hard on this.

Just judge this.

I like the bit about big Bhanis... that...

You need to bring in more of the rebellion.

The reason we fight.

What is behind the bloodshed.

Now, is that our story to tell?

Or could that be cultural appropriation?

If I see Bustard getting bored,

I'm going to smash one of you in the face with the butt of my rifle.

That's a good note.

- How good is Shammi? - What?

Something about her.

You should jump on this after me.

- Give it a try. - I'm fine, sir.

Zero resistance.

Fantastic!

Already walked this morning, sir.

Walking does nothing. It's a myth.

- Walking, sir? - Had a friend.

He walked every day, two hours.

One day, he just died. Just like that.

Sir, if I could just check some of these notes...

I mean, he wasn't walking when he died, but he did die.

It's terrible, sir.

Uh, we've been getting a lot of questions

from the PM's office.

PM didn't know my friend.

It's not about your friend, sir, about the boys in Behati-Prinsloo.

Fielding a few calls from the press too.

Hm, a problem that doesn't go away.

I was thinking we could call a press conference,

get on the front foot, say we have private contractors there...

Set up a meeting with the Dingo.

Uh...

You don't like that idea?

I just don't think we need to go that far, sir.

That's why I don't pay you to think.

I pay you to write down the things that I think.

What I meant was, uh, I just need an answer for the press and the PM.

"We don't have any boys in Behati-Prinsloo".

Cap, I've been thinking about what Shammi said.

We are gonna put a bit about the rebellion into the video, right?

Help the world understand their story a bit.

Yes. And?

Yeah, 'cause I think Shammi's right.

Like, I think our hostage video is a bit too focused on us.

Yeah, but we're gonna get to them. You know, after my monologue...

Yeah, but like, um,

Shammi and Mamalo shouldn't just be background characters.

We should really care for them.

We do care about them.

Yeah, but I don't want them to just come across as like, terrorists.

They are terrorists, Phil.

They are freedom fighters, Rowdy!

Is that what they are, Phil?

- What else would they be? - You tell me.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, boys. Hey.

Hey, hey, hey! Pre-show nerves. Look at me.

This is very normal. The tears.

When I did a table read for All Saints with Georgie Parker,

I shit my pants,

in the room!

Come on, let's not forget whose team we're on.

- Yeah? - All right. Sorry.

We're about to make one of the greatest hostage videos of all time.

And I've trained you and you're ready.

I'm not.

I'm gonna need your help with something.

I can't wait to see what big Bhanis does.

What?

What are you doing out of your dorms?

I thought I'd take this opportunity we've been given to...

learn a bit more about you guys.

- Deal with him. - Ugh!

So, what's this?

Hey! Gilbert Paul!

...Siblings?

I... Shammi, do you have a shovel I could borrow?

You digging your own grave?

No.

- Killing someone? - No.

Killing yourself?

With a shovel? No.

Do you have a fetish for shovels or some...

May be easier if I just show you.

Let's try this.

Make me believe you're gonna shoot me in the face.

Daddy?

Hey!

Whose phone are you on?

Just... a friend's.

You know, Big Bhanis,

I've been premonishing about

Bustard and planet Earth.

I hear you. It's a big place.

Sick.

Have you ever wondered what would go down

if all the iguanas teamed up?

What, like a big outdoor music festival, Iguana-palooza?

Exactly.

Sick.

If all the iguanas realised that there was more of them

and only one snake,

then they would have power.

Did you see the GoFundMe page?

The what?

The kids at school started a GoFundMe for my treatment.

It already has $405 in it.

That's great.

Is that a lot, Dad, $405?

It is, yeah. It is a lot.

That's a lot of money, honey.

- Does your mother know about this? - Yeah.

- Yeah? - She helped them do it.

It's just because, well, you're away fighting.

We need help.

Oh, it's great that everybody's helping out.

Isn't it, huh?

So, sometimes, water and soil can contain a substance called alkali,

which actually raised the pH balance above a seven,

which is harmful to the growth of flowers and crops.

So, we'd be hoping to be at about a neutral six.

Why are you telling me this, huh?

- Well, I'm trying to be helpful. - Hmm.

You know, my family has been growing crops on this island for generations.

Until the golf courses.

You... you know martial arts?

Uh...

In another life, yeah.

Hey, listen. Listen, honey.

Daddy's gonna be on the TV soon, okay?

And there are gonna be all of these videos

and you might not like the videos, but...

I wanna tell you something, all right? Can you keep a secret?

- Can you keep a secret for me? - Mm-hmm.

Okay. The videos, they're all just pretend.

So, if you see daddy and it looks like he's hurt,

or he's upset,

I just want you to remember that we're just playing.

Just playing.

But how will I know you're just pretending?

Uh, well...

Okay.

Well, you know how when you're hurt, or you're upset,

what happens, what do you do?

You cry, don't you?

- Mm-hm. - Yeah?

So that's how you'll know.

I won't be crying.

There'll be no tears from daddy.

All right, listen, I've got to go, sweetie.

Everything's gonna be fine, I promise.

I love you so much.

I love you too, daddy.

Mate, you're at a two.

I need you at a ten!

Okay.

Hey! Here he is!

Hi, Sean. Uh, please.

- Do I know you? - Yes. Yes.

- I do? - Jade. Yeah.

- Jade? - Mm-hm.

- You're new? - Yeah. Yeah.

You're excited to be working at Core?

Very much, yes.

I remember that feeling.

Sean,

nobody at Core knew that "salsa" was the magic word.

- Jade, do me a favour, will you? - Yeah.

Just tolerate this one moment of indulgence.

Could I ask you to just come stand behind me?

Could you read this for Jade, please?

Ah, Jade, you're... You're fired.

Thank you, Jade.

So...

I'm looking around the table at faces who,

as I recall, all fully encouraged

me to go on a relatability tour culminating in Australia,

on the Today Show,

with a crisis of fundraising to follow.

I protested.

And I would like a show of hands of those who joined me in protest.

Who, at this table didn't fucking say,

"Oh, this is so important, Sean".

"It's gonna be so fucking great, you gotta go". Who?

Sean, can I just...

So, I looked up the word "clown".

And what I found out in addition to its definition,

is that I'm now trending above both, Bozo and John Wayne Gacy

as the world's number one clown.

"A clown is a person who performs comedy and arts

in a state of open-mindedness using physical comedy".

Call that Maca-fucking-rena.

The good news is...

this clown...

has a plan.

This is a beautiful country.

And they are beautiful people.

And they matter.

They matter a lot.

The population of Behati-Prinsloo is 123,000.

The local currency is the Frooti.

And the major industries are manufacturing, handicrafts,

and tourism slash golf courses.

This is terrible.

I knew it!

You write something really cool,

and then, everyone gets in your head and they make you change it.

Just let me do my monologue,

and then I'll bring you guys in.

This is just a rehearsal.

- Rehearsal? - Yeah, we're just blocking it through.

You'll just say what you like and what you don't like,

and then we'll just do it your way.

I hated all of it. The whole thing must change.

We're not changing the whole thing!

- Just shoot them! - We are shooting them!

And this is the rehearsal.

And that's very rude to the actors.

Look, I know we promised you action and will be about you guys,

but please, Director,

I've dreamed of this my whole life.

He promised me a good, entertaining video.

- And all I see is... - Nobody fucking move!

We're getting out of here. Fall in behind me.

- Fall in! - Hey, man, what are you doing?

What am I doing? What are you doing? Fall in!

Yeah, we're just all trying to get by. Be chill.

Fucking Australians. Do we have to bail you out of every situation?

Hey, man, you are working to get us killed.

- Let him go, please. - This is good.

This charade is over.

Please, hey, hey! Hey, hey! Look at me. Look at me.

- I have a daughter. - Yeah?

I have two. So let's roll!

Okay, okay.

But mine is so little. Okay?

And she has... She has a problem with her heart.

And she hasn't been given very long, all right?

So, I don't have a lot of time.

But I will not go home just to watch her die.

I will not bury my little girl.

Would you please put him down?

Would you let him go, please? Would you just please let him go?

- Would you please... - Please.

Please. Just...

let Shammi go.

I too thought I wanted to be a hero.

But it's complicated.

And these roles we play in life, they're so confusing.

Dad!

Magnificent.

Take me instead of him, please.

You're soldiers, god dammit! These are terrorists.

We are not terrorists.

We are people who love our country.

We are freedom fighters.

You have no idea the things we have lost.

The loved ones,

the schools,

the hospitals.

You call me a terrorist again, hm?

Have we not lost enough?

For what?

Another golf course?

All I have is my uncle, Mamalo.

I will not let you take him from me.

Yah!

Hoo!

Hm!

Ha!

I did not hit her.

She tripped.

This isn't the last you'll see of me.

That's a promise.

Beautiful!

Bravo! Good! Good. I love it!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I have notes.

A couple of tweaks.

Maybe lose the sick daughter,

it's too sad.

Less crying, by half. Mamalo!

Mamalo!

I think we should win.

It's important we win.

It's our story, not an American one.

You came across a bit weak, Mamalo.

Shammi, next time,

you shoot the American, okay?

All right, reset!

So...

- I said reset! - Yeah, yeah.

We will, but, um...

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ You send invitations I don't want ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪ I find everything is a game ♪

♪ When you try ♪

♪ Your way ♪