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The Masquers Club expresses its
appreciation to all these members
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00:01:16,519 --> 00:01:19,247
for contributing their time and talent.
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00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:24,692
And now we greet you,
as our heroes do,
4
00:01:25,441 --> 00:01:28,168
with laughter or a smile,
5
00:01:28,969 --> 00:01:33,099
hail, friends, let's laugh a while.
6
00:02:04,999 --> 00:02:11,136
Professor Sweinstein claims that any
person swallowing one of these pills
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00:02:11,737 --> 00:02:16,914
will be immediately transported
back in retrospective life,
8
00:02:17,415 --> 00:02:21,583
to become whatever character
in world's history he chooses.
9
00:02:22,784 --> 00:02:28,917
But who can explain this phenomenal
scientific theory more clearly
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00:02:29,018 --> 00:02:36,795
than its sponsor, our honoured guest
Professor Waldo J. Sweinstein.
11
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:48,585
Thank you gentlemen. Rather than repeat
any more claims for my theory,
12
00:02:48,986 --> 00:02:51,712
I would much prefer to demonstrate.
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00:02:52,409 --> 00:02:59,075
To do this, I must have a subject.
And I will be very grateful,
14
00:02:59,077 --> 00:03:05,743
if one of you gentlemen would mentally
select a character in history, and,
15
00:03:05,963 --> 00:03:12,629
by swallowing one of these pills
be whisked back into the bygone ages.
16
00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:16,664
Won't you submit to
the experiment, Mr. Hiers?
17
00:03:17,765 --> 00:03:21,625
I'm sorry professor, but...
I'm too forward to go backward.
18
00:03:22,322 --> 00:03:24,066
Perhaps Bill will try it.
19
00:03:25,970 --> 00:03:28,735
No. I've played all those follows.
20
00:03:29,936 --> 00:03:31,728
I know their secrets.
21
00:03:32,529 --> 00:03:34,320
How about you, Jimmy?
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00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:40,428
Mhm, not for me, Bill.
I might land back in Scotland.
23
00:03:40,729 --> 00:03:43,538
How about you, Hale?
Back through the ages?
24
00:03:43,539 --> 00:03:46,293
No, my wife won't even
let me away for a week-end.
25
00:03:47,214 --> 00:03:48,980
What do you say, Alec?
26
00:03:49,260 --> 00:03:53,476
I'm sorry but I must decline.
They usually fall off my knife.
27
00:03:56,477 --> 00:04:00,050
But, gentlemen, think.
Unless I have a subject,
28
00:04:00,250 --> 00:04:03,025
I cannot complete my demonstration.
29
00:04:05,526 --> 00:04:08,963
You know, Bob, I think
I'll go for one of those pills.
30
00:04:09,264 --> 00:04:12,000
Pills, nothing. What you need
is a good bromo-seltzer.
31
00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:14,164
No kidding.
32
00:04:15,465 --> 00:04:17,922
I've always wanted to
go back into the past.
33
00:04:19,283 --> 00:04:24,130
You know, I've always had a yen to play
Shakespeare's Antony opposite Cleopatra.
34
00:04:24,770 --> 00:04:27,970
Yeah, well if you think I'm going
to Cleopatra, you're crazy.
35
00:04:28,570 --> 00:04:34,125
No, I'm serious.
I can see myself now as Antony.
36
00:04:35,923 --> 00:04:39,794
Friends, Romans, countrymen.
37
00:04:41,255 --> 00:04:45,057
Cannons to the left of me,
cannons to the right of me.
38
00:04:45,198 --> 00:04:49,002
Wait a minute, wait a minute. You're
all mixed up. That's Huckleberry Finn.
39
00:04:50,203 --> 00:04:53,748
Boy, you better stick to being a
comedian, that's what you better do,
40
00:04:53,749 --> 00:04:58,460
because you'll never make a Shakespearian
actor. Now with me, it's different.
41
00:04:59,260 --> 00:05:02,090
You know, I got the makings
of a great tragedian in me.
42
00:05:02,490 --> 00:05:07,800
Say, It'll take more than a box of pills
to make a Shakespearian actor out of you.
43
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:11,608
Yeah? Well, let me tell you something,
if we weren't busy on a picture,
44
00:05:11,709 --> 00:05:13,944
and had to rush right
back to that studio,
45
00:05:14,245 --> 00:05:18,000
I'd swallow a hunk of those pills
and I'd show you a Julius Caesar
46
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:22,730
that was a Julius Caesar.
- Aw, no you wouldn't.
47
00:05:23,030 --> 00:05:26,820
Oh, yes I would.
- Oh, no you wouldn't.
48
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:31,963
Oh yes, I would.
- Oh, no you wouldn't.
49
00:05:32,264 --> 00:05:34,075
Oh yes, I would.
50
00:05:35,976 --> 00:05:40,420
Oh, no you couldn't play Mark Antony.
- Oh, yes I could.
51
00:05:40,505 --> 00:05:44,949
Oh no you couldn't.
- Oh, yes I could.
52
00:05:45,475 --> 00:05:48,735
No you couldn't!
- Yes I could. - No you couldn't!
53
00:05:50,936 --> 00:05:53,158
You know, this thing
could go on all night.
54
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:56,890
Give me one of those pills.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
55
00:06:07,790 --> 00:06:14,456
Ah, Cleopatra, I see thee again.
56
00:06:15,266 --> 00:06:18,398
Cleopatra, thou art beautiful.
57
00:06:21,504 --> 00:06:31,503
Ah, your hair, your eyes,
your nose, your lips, your...
58
00:06:31,542 --> 00:06:34,677
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait for me, Cleo, wait for me.
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00:06:42,978 --> 00:06:50,099
Gallia est omnius divisa in partes tres.
To say nothing of e pluribus unum.
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00:07:33,999 --> 00:07:36,874
Oh night, wondrous night.
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00:07:37,975 --> 00:07:43,110
Ah, great Caesar, were not
nights like this made for love?
62
00:07:44,010 --> 00:07:47,465
Yeah, sure, it we could get rid
of Amos and Andy back there.
63
00:07:49,766 --> 00:07:52,583
Away, slaves.
- Yeah, scram, boys, scram.
64
00:07:58,484 --> 00:08:00,589
Can't kid me, Cleo,
that stuff's been cut.
65
00:08:03,489 --> 00:08:09,044
Oh, great Caesar, thou art
the fairest lover I've ever had.
66
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:11,763
Let's have that again.
67
00:08:12,064 --> 00:08:15,839
Thou art the fairest
lover I've ever had.
68
00:08:17,439 --> 00:08:20,630
Just a gigolo,
everywhere I go.
69
00:08:22,031 --> 00:08:24,870
Oh, wouldst thou couldst
stay here for always.
70
00:08:25,270 --> 00:08:30,118
Yeah, great idea, Cleo. Great idea.
But I'm afraid it can't be done.
71
00:08:30,419 --> 00:08:32,578
You see, I gotta dash back to Rome.
72
00:08:33,079 --> 00:08:35,900
You know, the boys in the Senate
are cutting up a little.
73
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,769
Why?
- I don't know, something about a melon.
74
00:08:39,469 --> 00:08:41,829
I think they're going
to cut a melon, that's it.
75
00:08:42,429 --> 00:08:46,541
Oh great Caesar, art thou
afraid of republicans?
76
00:08:46,942 --> 00:08:50,665
Why shouldn't I be? After the
trimming they gave me in the market.
77
00:08:52,466 --> 00:08:55,799
Oh great Caesar,
what stock did thou sellest?
78
00:08:56,010 --> 00:08:59,779
Now let me see, I got rid
of my Grecian railway,
79
00:09:00,780 --> 00:09:03,002
also my Chariot Wheel and Buggy,
80
00:09:04,290 --> 00:09:06,679
but I'm holding on
to my Roman can.
81
00:09:07,780 --> 00:09:12,580
Not going to take that away from me.
That's why I'm going Democratic.
82
00:09:14,780 --> 00:09:20,335
Oh great Caesar, would thou for
Democrats leave thy little Cleo?
83
00:09:22,490 --> 00:09:25,956
Well, not if you got a
little more democratic.
84
00:09:43,957 --> 00:09:47,700
Almighty Caesar, lend me your ear.
- Lend me your ear.
85
00:09:48,001 --> 00:09:51,820
That guy's always trying to borrow
something. Speak your mind, kid.
86
00:09:52,020 --> 00:09:55,250
A messenger has arrived from Rome
and wouldst have speech with thee.
87
00:09:56,550 --> 00:09:58,560
I'll bet you anything in the world
that's Wheeler.
88
00:10:07,534 --> 00:10:09,534
Hail, Antony.
89
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:14,306
Hail, Romans.
90
00:10:16,507 --> 00:10:20,317
By gosh, it is Wheeler. Can't I
get rid of that guy for a minute?
91
00:10:20,718 --> 00:10:22,520
Hail, Caesar.
92
00:10:29,499 --> 00:10:32,650
There lies the noblest
rummy of them all.
93
00:10:44,250 --> 00:10:47,723
To hail with little Caesar.
- To hail with you, too.
94
00:10:48,424 --> 00:10:50,370
Speak your piece, Mark,
and make it snappy.
95
00:10:50,570 --> 00:10:52,769
I've got a little important
necking to do.
96
00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:55,500
The Senate's investigating
your administration
97
00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:57,360
and here you are
getting sunburned.
98
00:10:58,461 --> 00:11:02,209
Hi, kid.
Oh, dear.
99
00:11:09,209 --> 00:11:13,940
Hey, who is this gazabo back there
who keeps looking at us all the time?
100
00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:17,690
That's August the third.
- Oh, August the third.
101
00:11:18,230 --> 00:11:20,007
I thought it was the house detective.
102
00:11:23,508 --> 00:11:26,749
The way he's leaning against that
column, I think he's a columnist.
103
00:11:28,250 --> 00:11:30,240
Oh, pardon me,
I thought I was home.
104
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:36,089
I was afraid of that. Why don't you grab
the 5.15 chariot and get back to Rome.
105
00:11:38,489 --> 00:11:42,603
I'll stay here and take care of any
important business you might have.
106
00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:46,680
Mark, thou art a chiseler
of the worst kind.
107
00:11:51,954 --> 00:11:53,754
Ah, a robin.
108
00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:57,400
No, 'tis the call for the banquet.
Banquet?
109
00:11:57,500 --> 00:12:01,290
Yes, it is my birthday.
Surely thou will come to the banquet?
110
00:12:01,490 --> 00:12:05,649
Will I come to the banquet? I hope
to tell you, Cleo, I hope to tell you.
111
00:12:17,949 --> 00:12:20,350
Bring on my birthday cake.
And let there be music.
112
00:12:28,750 --> 00:12:30,690
What, thou too, Brutus?
113
00:12:42,419 --> 00:12:46,219
Ah, the three Rhythm Boys.
114
00:12:53,990 --> 00:13:00,656
Hold. It will be better for Caesar
if we use these Roman candles.
115
00:13:05,063 --> 00:13:08,248
Hey, lay off that lunch hook.
Cleo belongs to me.
116
00:13:08,549 --> 00:13:11,695
She likes me as much as she
does you, don't you, kid?
117
00:13:11,796 --> 00:13:13,510
I like thee both.
118
00:13:13,510 --> 00:13:17,260
Well, you gotta choose between us now,
you can't be a sister to both of us.
119
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:23,579
Why not fight it out among thyselves?
- That's not a bad idea. What'll we do?
120
00:13:24,479 --> 00:13:31,145
Go thee into the lion's den and fight,
and he who wins, shall win my hand.
121
00:13:31,250 --> 00:13:36,140
What do you mean, fight lions? Nothing
doing, nothing doing. No lions for me.
122
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,960
Make it rabbits, though,
and I'll take you up.
123
00:13:41,260 --> 00:13:46,089
You coward. Daniel went into
the lion's den and came out alive.
124
00:13:46,489 --> 00:13:48,711
Yeah, but don't forget,
125
00:13:48,762 --> 00:13:52,950
there's a big difference between
the lions now, and the lion's den.
126
00:13:57,050 --> 00:13:59,445
Ah, my birthday cake.
127
00:14:00,746 --> 00:14:03,520
Quite a donut, quite a donut.
- Yes.
128
00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:09,030
I hope there's enough to go around.
Listen, I got a great idea.
129
00:14:09,430 --> 00:14:11,518
Suppose we all dive into the cake
130
00:14:11,719 --> 00:14:14,878
and the one that gets the
biggest hunk, gets little Cleo.
131
00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:16,790
No, I have an idea.
132
00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:20,530
He who really wishes my hand
shall have a chariot race.
133
00:14:20,930 --> 00:14:21,999
A chariot race?
134
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:23,840
A chariot race, chariot race,
that's good, that's good.
135
00:14:23,940 --> 00:14:27,126
Yes, and he who wins shall be
my house guest for a week.
136
00:14:27,927 --> 00:14:31,770
Toots, make it six months
and I'll go for them lions.
137
00:14:32,470 --> 00:14:35,002
Ah, no, sir, no, sir,
we'll stick to the horses.
138
00:14:35,203 --> 00:14:37,425
Since a baby, horses
have been my hobby.
139
00:14:38,006 --> 00:14:39,500
I shall light the candles.
140
00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:42,709
No, no, I shall light the candles.
- No, I'll settle it.
141
00:14:43,010 --> 00:14:45,840
Thy both shall light the candles.
- Splendid, splendid.
142
00:14:58,750 --> 00:15:03,194
Friends, Romans, Countrymen,
here we are in dear old Alexandria.
143
00:15:03,449 --> 00:15:06,259
The city is packed to overflowing
with the happy crowds
144
00:15:06,374 --> 00:15:09,210
who didst come to witness
this great race of the century
145
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:12,137
between Julius Caesar
and Mark Antony.
146
00:15:16,962 --> 00:15:21,406
Ah, her majesty Queen Cleopatra
enters the royal box.
147
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,632
The sun shines beautifully.
148
00:15:37,033 --> 00:15:42,237
Oh, boy, what a wondrous day for this
great classic. There they are now.
149
00:15:48,338 --> 00:15:52,091
Believe it, folks, they're almost ready.
Caesar looks a little bit nervous.
150
00:15:52,292 --> 00:15:55,480
Ah, but Antony has the confidence
of a future champion.
151
00:16:09,555 --> 00:16:11,375
Hold it for a still.
152
00:16:15,956 --> 00:16:17,756
Thank you.
- Thank you.
153
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,550
Caesar's does make
a runaway race of it....
154
00:16:48,750 --> 00:16:51,550
Parlez-vous Francais?
- Ya-ya.
155
00:16:56,551 --> 00:17:00,351
At the quarter Caesar doth lead
by a length. Antony close up.
156
00:17:07,771 --> 00:17:10,571
How they biting, son?
- Okay.
157
00:17:17,950 --> 00:17:19,750
Very good, very good.
158
00:17:19,750 --> 00:17:24,599
At the half, Caesar doth hug the rail.
Antony closing fast.
159
00:17:52,499 --> 00:17:55,280
Into the stretch they come,
in a wondrous driving finish.
160
00:18:05,498 --> 00:18:08,698
Driving, driving, driving they are.
161
00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:13,020
The winner...
162
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,548
Well, wouldst thou believest me,
it was a dead heat.
163
00:18:20,049 --> 00:18:22,810
This is Octavius MacNamee
bidding you good afternoon.
164
00:18:34,710 --> 00:18:36,470
Get out of here, will you.
165
00:18:36,510 --> 00:18:39,310
Oh, my heroes,
you were wonderful.
166
00:18:39,470 --> 00:18:43,914
I did not wait for the finish,
so I know not which of thee won.
167
00:18:44,229 --> 00:18:49,450
However, I shall retire to
the bridal suite, and he who won...
168
00:18:50,429 --> 00:18:52,249
...shall follow me there.
169
00:19:01,728 --> 00:19:03,528
Wait a minute, big, boy, wait.
170
00:19:05,450 --> 00:19:08,355
Big boy, let a good
man enter first.
171
00:19:08,456 --> 00:19:11,267
What's the matter with you,
what's the matter with you, I won.
172
00:19:11,268 --> 00:19:14,765
I won by a Roman nose,
but I got a Mexican decision.
173
00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:19,510
You may have won by a Roman nose,
but here's where I win with Roman hands.
174
00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:22,820
Oh no you don't, oh no you don't...
- Yes I will.
175
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,362
Oh, no you don't.
- Oh, yes I will...
176
00:19:25,521 --> 00:19:28,721
Oh no you won't!
- Oh yes I will.
177
00:19:29,470 --> 00:19:31,692
Oh no you didn't.
178
00:19:36,994 --> 00:19:40,194
Gentlemen, was it a success?
What happened?
179
00:19:40,219 --> 00:19:43,970
Hot dog. Wasn't she beautiful?
- And alluring.
180
00:19:43,970 --> 00:19:47,240
And did she have it?
- She had that.
181
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,020
She had those.
182
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,240
Come on, let's go back
and see her again.15912
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