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1
00:00:14,082 --> 00:00:16,384
Her favorite CD in the
Otis Redding box set?
2
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:17,351
Disc three.
3
00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:19,520
My favorite?
Any guesses?
4
00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:20,821
Anyone?
Come on.
5
00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,423
Disc three!
6
00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:24,292
God, Victoria's so amazing!
7
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:25,926
I could talk about her
for hours.
8
00:00:25,993 --> 00:00:27,661
What do you mean "could"?
9
00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:30,198
I'm sorry, it's
just... God, I...
10
00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:32,066
I'm crazy about
this girl.
11
00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:33,267
It feels like maybe...
12
00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:35,136
I don't want to say it.
13
00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:37,138
Trust that impulse, Ted.
14
00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:38,906
ROBIN:
Hey.
15
00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:41,142
Something kind of cool
just happened.
16
00:00:41,209 --> 00:00:43,311
My story on Pickles,
the Singing Dog,
17
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:46,114
just got nominated for
a Local Area Media Award.
18
00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:48,916
A... LAME-A?
19
00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:51,018
We prefer
Local Area Media Award.
20
00:00:51,085 --> 00:00:52,586
Um...
21
00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:54,188
there's going to be
this big banquet.
22
00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:55,556
I know these things
aren't much fun,
23
00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:57,791
but it would really mean a lot
to me if you guys came.
24
00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:00,894
And there's an open bar.
25
00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:02,863
Oh!
Yes!
Word up!
26
00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:04,064
Yeah, put me down
for two.
27
00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:05,666
Really?
It's three months away.
28
00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:07,101
I know, but...
29
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:09,503
guys, I'm sorry,
I'm going to say it.
30
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,872
I have a feeling Victoria's
going to be around
31
00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:13,307
for a long time.
32
00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:16,110
I'm going to miss
Victoria.
33
00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:18,346
I should just skip this thing
entirely.
34
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:21,482
Robin's still pissed at me
after... you know.
35
00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:23,751
You lied and said you were
broken up with Victoria
36
00:01:23,817 --> 00:01:26,120
before you actually were
so you could try to nail Robin
37
00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:28,722
and you wound up losing
both girls in one night?
38
00:01:28,789 --> 00:01:31,359
Yes, that's what I meant
by "you know."
39
00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:34,195
I haven't seen her
in three weeks.
40
00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:35,429
She won't return my calls.
41
00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:36,897
Look, I shouldn't go.
42
00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:38,399
You should
definitely go.
43
00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:40,334
Look, it's a chance to show
her you're still friends
44
00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:41,469
and that you support her.
45
00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:43,271
Or it's a chance
to mess with her head
46
00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:44,705
by showing up
with someone hotter.
47
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:48,209
Even better, triple threat...
hotter and bigger boobs.
48
00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,611
That's only two.
Count again.
49
00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:52,580
Barney, I'm not bringing a date.
50
00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:54,782
Even if I wanted to,
the thing's in two hours.
51
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:56,083
So get an escort.
52
00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:57,985
By "escort,"
you mean prostitute?
53
00:01:58,051 --> 00:01:59,187
Why not?
54
00:01:59,253 --> 00:02:01,589
Because... gross?
55
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:02,990
Oh, gross.
56
00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:04,692
What, you have some
puritanical hang-up
57
00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:05,826
about prostitution?
58
00:02:05,893 --> 00:02:09,230
Dude, it's the world's
oldest profession.
59
00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:10,664
You really think
that's true?
60
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:11,765
Oh, yeah.
61
00:02:11,832 --> 00:02:14,368
I bet even Cro-Magnons
used to give cave hookers,
62
00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:16,504
like, an extra fish
for putting out.
63
00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:19,039
Aha, so then
the oldest profession
would be fishermen.
64
00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:21,842
Kaboom!
You've been lawyered.
65
00:02:23,544 --> 00:02:26,013
Come on, Ted, let's get you
a hooker. It'll be fun.
66
00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:29,250
Okay, to bring to the banquet
and hang out with ironically
67
00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:30,718
or to actually have sex with?
68
00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,920
Yes.
69
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:35,756
No! It's illegal.
70
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,325
And did I mention gross?
71
00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:39,693
That's adorable.
Ted, you're such a hayseed.
72
00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:42,162
The companionship business
73
00:02:42,230 --> 00:02:44,798
is the growth industry
of the 21st century.
74
00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:47,235
You do realize that
one out of every eight
75
00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:49,503
adult women in America
is a prostitute.
76
00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:50,804
You just made that up.
Withdrawn.
77
00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:53,441
Lawyered.
78
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:56,344
The point is,
how long has it been?
79
00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,248
57 days.
80
00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:02,082
Is that your water?
May I?
81
00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:03,651
Yeah, go ahead.
Much obliged.
82
00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:06,720
57 days?!
83
00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:09,323
Ted, you are in a slump.
84
00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:10,858
No, it's not a slump.
85
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:13,261
It's an intentional hiatus
from girls.
86
00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:14,595
A slump is when you strike out
87
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:16,364
every time you step up
to the plate.
88
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,266
But I'm off the roster, baby.
89
00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:20,634
I'm in the locker room
sitting in the whirlpool.
90
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,836
And I'll tell you something,
it feels pretty good.
91
00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:25,072
Yeah, you know what else
is in that locker room?
92
00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:28,642
A naked dudes hanging brain.
93
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:29,643
Ted, you need
94
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,144
a lady.
95
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,347
And I've got the next
best thing... Mary.
96
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:34,915
She lives in
my building.
97
00:03:34,982 --> 00:03:37,285
She's smart, she's hot,
she's totally cool.
98
00:03:37,351 --> 00:03:38,652
Oh, she sounds great.
99
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:39,787
And who knows?
100
00:03:39,853 --> 00:03:41,389
Maybe we'll wind up getting
married someday.
101
00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:44,191
You know, if we can get
a blessing from her pimp.
102
00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:46,694
You want to judge
a fellow human being
103
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,430
based solely on one
external characteristic?
104
00:03:49,497 --> 00:03:50,764
That's racism.
105
00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:53,767
And I do not drink
with racists.
106
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:55,403
Good day.
107
00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:01,141
You're just waiting for me
to speak, so you can...
108
00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:02,976
I said good day!
109
00:04:05,212 --> 00:04:07,247
So should I wear my hair
up or down?
110
00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:10,984
Lily.
111
00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:12,119
What?
112
00:04:12,185 --> 00:04:12,986
You okay?
113
00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:15,456
Oh, yeah, sorry.
114
00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,625
I'm just exhausted
from work.
115
00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:19,927
The stupid school board
took away nap time
116
00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:21,462
in all kindergarten classes
117
00:04:21,529 --> 00:04:24,798
and now the kids are just going
crazy by the end of the day.
118
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:27,401
It's much harder to deal with
because,
119
00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:29,437
well, I don't get my nap.
120
00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:31,705
Wait, you were taking naps
when the kids were?
121
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,240
Is that safe?
122
00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:35,976
Well, they're only five.
What are they gonna do to me?
123
00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:40,581
Ted's still coming
to this thing, right?
124
00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:41,449
Yep.
125
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,317
Do you think, um...
126
00:04:43,384 --> 00:04:44,418
hypothetically...
127
00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:46,253
it would be weird
if I bring a date?
128
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:49,557
Look at you, Scherbotsky,
129
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,592
blatantly trying
to make Ted jealous.
130
00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:54,362
No, it's just this guy
at the station.
131
00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:55,629
I never get involved with
co-workers,
132
00:04:55,696 --> 00:04:57,531
but he asked me and I said yes.
133
00:04:57,598 --> 00:04:58,966
Is it going to be weird?
134
00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:01,969
No, it's not going
to be weird at all.
135
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:03,504
Robin's bringing a date.
136
00:05:03,571 --> 00:05:05,639
Oy. That's going
to be really weird.
137
00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:06,940
I know.
138
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:10,611
Robin's bringing
a date.
139
00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:11,979
Oh.
140
00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:13,280
Okay. That's not weird.
141
00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:15,816
She's bringing a date.
I'm glad she's moving on.
142
00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:17,518
Dude, it's going
to be weird.
143
00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:18,952
No, it's fine.
144
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,121
Look, in spite of whatever
happened between us,
145
00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:22,423
Robin and I are still friends.
146
00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:23,591
I don't think it'll be weird.
147
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,626
Yeah, it won't be weird.
Thank you.
148
00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:27,294
Because you're going
to bring your own date.
149
00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:29,129
Hello, Barney.
150
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:30,398
Hi, Mary.
151
00:05:30,464 --> 00:05:33,501
Have you met Ted?
152
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,109
Nice to meet you, Ted.
153
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:43,310
Hi, Mary.
154
00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:44,578
Wow.
155
00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:46,313
It's, uh, nice to meet you, too.
156
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:47,615
So we're going
to an award show?
157
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,683
Uh, yeah, will you just
excuse us for one minute?
158
00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:50,551
Barney.
159
00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:51,719
See you in two shakes, Mare.
160
00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:52,953
You two make yourselves
comfortable.
161
00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:56,657
What the hell?
162
00:05:56,724 --> 00:05:59,527
Dude, your narrow-minded views
on professional fornicators
163
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:01,161
were harshing my mellow.
164
00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:02,996
So I got you a date
for the evening.
165
00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:04,865
You got me a hooker.
166
00:06:04,932 --> 00:06:06,900
A really hot hook...
167
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:08,168
A hooker!
168
00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:10,337
Think about it,
this is perfect.
169
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:12,906
A... it will make Robin
insanely jealous...
170
00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:16,343
B... you get to have
sex with her...
171
00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:18,145
and C... maybe by
getting to know Mary,
172
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:20,313
you'll come to see that
courtesans are people, too.
173
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:24,818
And D... "B" all night long.
174
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:27,555
I'm not taking a prostitute
to Robin's banquet.
175
00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:29,957
The only people who will know
are you, me and Marshall.
176
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:32,092
No one will suspect a thing.
They'll just see you
177
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,795
with this unbelievably
smoking hot girl and...
178
00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:37,465
Okay, that's a little
bit suspicious.
179
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:39,800
Look, I'm just trying
180
00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:41,835
to expand your horizons
a little bit tonight.
181
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:44,438
But if you're not interested,
fine, I'm out 500 bucks.
182
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:46,540
Whatever.
500 bucks?
183
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:48,542
Ted, you're my cabron.
184
00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:49,810
You think I'm gonna stick you
185
00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:52,312
with some toothless tranny
from the Port Authority?
186
00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:55,348
Look at how hot she is.
187
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:56,950
Robin would be
so jealous.
188
00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:59,820
I'm not trying to make
Robin jealous, Barney.
189
00:06:59,887 --> 00:07:02,289
Look, I... tell Mary,
thanks, but no thanks.
190
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:04,758
I have a soul.
191
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:07,595
TED:
And then your Uncle Marhsall
and I had one of our famous
192
00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:09,563
telepathic conversations.
193
00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:11,364
MARSHALL:
Check out Robin's date.
194
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,500
TED:
I know.
195
00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:13,967
Is that who I think it is?
196
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:15,102
Yep.
197
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:17,170
It's Sandy Rivers.
198
00:07:17,237 --> 00:07:20,040
TED:
Sandy Rivers was the face of
Metro News One,
199
00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:23,143
the most low-budget cable news
network ever.
200
00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:25,245
Sandy time.
Sandy time!
201
00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:27,380
He was best known
for his morning segment
202
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,082
"In Today's Paper,"
203
00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:32,219
during which he literally
flipped through today's papers,
204
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:33,821
reading them aloud to viewers.
205
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:37,591
Here we have, on the front page,
a story about a...
206
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:39,627
I guess, a guy
in a superhero costume
207
00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:42,395
climbing
the Empire State Building.
208
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:43,731
Looks interesting.
209
00:07:45,332 --> 00:07:47,935
These idiotic filler pieces
were a guilty pleasure of ours.
210
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:50,838
Which Sandy
do we want today?
211
00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:53,173
French Sandy,
porn star Sandy...?
212
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:54,975
Yosemite Sandy,
definitely.
213
00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:56,209
Excellent choice.
214
00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:05,953
(laughing)
215
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,889
I love this guy.
216
00:08:08,956 --> 00:08:11,692
I hate this guy.
217
00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:15,195
Hey.
218
00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:16,930
Hi. I'm Lily.
Hi.
219
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,566
Hi. Mary.
It's nice to meet you.
220
00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:20,167
Mary is a friend
of Barney's.
221
00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:22,302
Barney invited her.
Just met Mary ourselves.
222
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:23,503
Don't know too much
about Mary.
223
00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:24,872
Look, a beer.
224
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:28,141
Hey.
225
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:29,543
Hi.
226
00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:31,579
You look nice.
Oh, um,
Ted, this is Sandy.
227
00:08:31,645 --> 00:08:33,246
Hi. Sandy Rivers.
228
00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:34,481
Use my full name.
229
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,149
People get a kick
out of it.
230
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:37,517
Hi, Sandy.
231
00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:39,352
Rivers.
232
00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:41,321
So are you two, uh...
233
00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:42,723
Starting a bunch
of office rumors?
234
00:08:42,790 --> 00:08:46,159
Looks that way.
Looks that way.
235
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:48,562
Oh, how rude of me.
236
00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:52,700
Uh, Robin, Sandy... Rivers...
237
00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:55,368
this is Mary, my date.
238
00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:56,804
Hi.
239
00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:07,615
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the 45th annual
240
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:08,949
Local Area Media Awards.
241
00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:10,951
Please say hello to our host
for the evening,
242
00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:13,320
king of the Saturday Afternoon
Kung Fu Movie,
243
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,388
Vampire Lou!
244
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:17,825
(applause)
245
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:23,096
Tonight we celebrate
the very best in broadcasting
246
00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:27,000
and the triumph
of the human spirit.
247
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:27,935
Man,
248
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:31,138
Vampire Lou just looks great.
249
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:33,674
I can't believe I'm on a date
with a hooker.
250
00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:35,809
Yeah, I can't believe you let
her and Lily
251
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,745
go to the ladies' room together,
man.
252
00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:39,379
Secrets come out in there.
253
00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:40,814
Oh, please.
How's it's going to come out?
254
00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:43,483
"Uh, pass me a towel.
P.S., I have sex for money."
255
00:09:43,550 --> 00:09:44,918
Who has sex for money?
256
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,119
Nobody.
257
00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:47,254
What did you guys
talk about in there?
258
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:48,321
Anything interesting?
259
00:09:48,388 --> 00:09:50,223
No, not really.
260
00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:53,326
We just chitchatted and
I borrowed her lipstick.
261
00:09:55,495 --> 00:09:57,831
Why is Vampire Lou the host
262
00:09:57,898 --> 00:10:00,567
of a Saturday Afternoon
Kung Fu Movie?
263
00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:02,602
You know, it just
makes no sense.
264
00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:04,371
God, that pisses me off.
265
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,939
Lily, you okay?
266
00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:07,775
Oh, yeah, I'm just tired.
267
00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:09,877
And when I get tired,
I get cranky.
268
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:11,745
Really?
I couldn't imagine you cranky.
269
00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:14,815
"Really? I couldn't
imagine you cranky."
270
00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:17,384
MARY:
Wow.
271
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:18,686
Why are you so tired?
272
00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:20,721
Well, I teach kindergarten
273
00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:22,656
and the school board
took away my nap time,
274
00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,658
the kids' nap time.
275
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:26,827
Lily, quit your job.
Work at a private school.
276
00:10:26,894 --> 00:10:28,461
You won't have to deal with
the school board,
277
00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:30,197
and you'll make a ton
more money.
278
00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:31,231
Well, guess what, Barney?
279
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,100
I don't base
all my life decisions
280
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,768
on how much money
I'm going to make,
281
00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:36,970
unlike you and,
sadly, my fiancé.
282
00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:39,106
Well, it's just an
internship, for the record.
283
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:42,810
Yeah, because if I did
sacrifice all my values
just for an easy buck,
284
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,511
what would that make me?
285
00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:46,079
A prostitute.
286
00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:49,149
Exactly.
Thank you, Mary.
287
00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:51,184
So, Mary, what do you do
for a living?
288
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:52,886
She's a paralegal.
289
00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:57,324
Yes, I'm a paralegal.
290
00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:59,760
So, Mary the paralegal.
291
00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,195
What does a paralegal
do exactly?
292
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:05,565
I just assist with
day-to-day clerical work
293
00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:07,534
in a law firm downtown.
294
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:08,936
Oh, what firm?
295
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,504
Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp.
296
00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:13,006
That's a real law firm.
297
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:14,141
I know.
298
00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:16,109
Nice.
299
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:18,345
You're pretty good
on your feet.
300
00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,280
Are you flirting
with me?
301
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:21,648
Is that allowed?
302
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:24,251
Yes, it's encouraged.
303
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:26,887
You know, I wouldn't normally
say this on a first date,
304
00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:29,689
but... well, considering...
305
00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:31,224
I'm just going
to say it.
306
00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:33,293
You are so hot!
307
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,862
Well, thank you.
308
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:36,463
You're welcome.
309
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,198
Mary, Ted is a great guy.
310
00:11:38,265 --> 00:11:39,399
You hold on to him.
311
00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:42,202
Don't let him out
of your sight for a minute.
312
00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:45,572
So, Sandy, what do you do?
313
00:11:45,638 --> 00:11:47,040
Oh, wait, I know
what you do.
314
00:11:47,107 --> 00:11:49,509
You're the guy who reads
the paper in the morning.
315
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:51,378
You got me.
316
00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:52,579
What do you do, Ted?
317
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:55,048
Oh, same thing as you...
I read the paper every morning.
318
00:11:55,115 --> 00:11:57,184
But then after that,
I finish my coffee
319
00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:59,252
and I go to my real job
as an architect
320
00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:01,188
where I make an actual
contribution to the world.
321
00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:02,722
(chuckles):
I'm just kidding.
322
00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:04,057
Love your show.
You're terrific.
323
00:12:04,124 --> 00:12:05,392
Thanks.
324
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:07,961
I never tire of hearing that.
325
00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:12,599
Hey, you know that
scene in Empire
326
00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:15,335
where they lower the helmet
onto Darth Vader's head?
327
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:19,472
Do you think that's how
Sandy puts his hair
on in the morning?
328
00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:22,075
You just insulted someone
I hate
329
00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:24,444
by referencing
something I love.
330
00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:26,914
Damn, you just got
even hotter.
331
00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:33,053
And so, as the night wore on,
I started to realize,
332
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,323
this girl, despite what
she did for a living,
333
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:38,959
was kind of great.
334
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,030
Hey.
335
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:43,931
Hey.
336
00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,665
Mary seems nice.
337
00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:47,400
Have you kissed her yet,
or are you waiting
338
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,970
until you're in a serious
relationship with someone else?
339
00:12:50,037 --> 00:12:51,438
(sighs)
340
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,406
I, uh... I wanted to apologize
for everything that happened.
341
00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:55,242
And just like that,
it's all okay.
342
00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:56,443
Roll credits.
343
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:58,078
So you're going to be
mad at me forever?
344
00:12:58,145 --> 00:12:59,279
What, we're not even
friends now?
345
00:12:59,346 --> 00:13:01,481
We're still friends.
Are we?
346
00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:03,450
You don't return my calls,
we never hang out
347
00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:05,018
and now you're trying
to make my jealous
348
00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:06,920
by waving Edward R. Moron
in my face?
349
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:10,858
Oh, and Paralegally Blonde
isn't here in her low-cut
dress to make me jealous?
350
00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:13,560
Oh, so now she's a whore?
351
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,328
What?
352
00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:16,096
You know something?
353
00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:17,730
Mary the paralegal
is awesome.
354
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,032
And you know what else?
355
00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:20,934
I didn't come here tonight
to make you jealous,
356
00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:22,903
I came here to support you
as a friend.
357
00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:25,272
And frankly, I'm sick of trying.
358
00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:30,043
I like that guy.
359
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,083
Hey.
Hey.
360
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:37,717
What were you guys talking
about over there?
361
00:13:37,784 --> 00:13:40,287
Oh, I was, uh, just
telling my friend
362
00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:41,654
that I think you're awesome.
363
00:13:41,721 --> 00:13:44,324
Well, thanks.
364
00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:46,659
You know, this is one
of the nicer hotels
365
00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:48,095
I've ever been in.
366
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,396
Oh, yeah, my friend
did the remodel.
367
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,664
You should see the rooms.
The views are amazing.
368
00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:54,434
Yeah? Maybe it's too bad
we don't have a room.
369
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,336
Room 1506.
My treat.
370
00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:57,971
You kids go nuts.
371
00:13:58,038 --> 00:13:59,572
Actually, don't use
the mini-bar.
372
00:14:11,484 --> 00:14:12,920
Do it.
373
00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:14,087
Come on, Ted, do it.
374
00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:15,588
This is one of those things
you have to do
375
00:14:15,655 --> 00:14:16,623
before you turn 30.
376
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:17,657
Sleep with a prostitute?
377
00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:19,192
No, lose your virginity.
378
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:20,427
What up.
379
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:23,330
Statistic... men who have had
at least one relationship
380
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:24,764
with a prostitute
381
00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:26,199
are 75% more likely
382
00:14:26,266 --> 00:14:27,767
to have success
in future relationships.
383
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,036
You just made that up.
384
00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:30,904
Withdrawn.
Lawyered.
385
00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:32,272
Okay, three things.
386
00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:33,941
First of all, Robin's
category's almost up.
387
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,675
And second of all,
you cannot do this.
388
00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:36,876
It's wrong on every level.
389
00:14:36,944 --> 00:14:38,478
And third,
390
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,547
I've been placing small items
in Sandy's hair all night.
391
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:41,848
He still hasn't noticed.
392
00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:43,050
I know I can't do this.
393
00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:44,117
I'm not doing this.
394
00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:45,385
It's just... it's a shame.
395
00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:46,486
She's really cool.
396
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:48,255
Yeah, well... there we go.
397
00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:50,590
VAMPIRE LOU:
Scooter "Bam-Bam" Branson
for A Bicycle...
398
00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:52,525
Joyride or Deathtrap?
399
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:53,826
Mike Murphy
400
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,429
for 13, Pregnant and Addicted.
401
00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:57,830
And Robin Scherbotsky
402
00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:01,368
for Pickles, the Singing Dog.
403
00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:02,535
And the winner is...
404
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,804
Robin Scherbotsky.
405
00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:06,539
(applause)
406
00:15:09,977 --> 00:15:11,611
Thanks.
407
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:15,949
Oh, wow.
408
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:17,350
This is really a surprise.
409
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:20,520
Um, you know it's nice
to be able to share this award
410
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:21,721
with my friends.
411
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:22,922
They're all here tonight.
412
00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:26,193
Marshall, Lily,
Sandy Rivers...
413
00:15:27,727 --> 00:15:29,662
Barney...
414
00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:31,864
And that's it.
415
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,400
Those are all my friends.
416
00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:35,535
Thank you.
417
00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:42,909
Congratulations.
418
00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:45,778
Oh, thanks.
419
00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:47,880
Um, Sandy, do you
want to get a cab?
420
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,282
Sure. Let's go.
421
00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:51,418
Yeah, this party's dead.
422
00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:53,053
Mary, you want
to go upstairs?
423
00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:57,024
We, uh, got a room.
424
00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:01,061
MARSHALL (voice echoing):
Dude, what are you doing?
425
00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:02,429
TED:
What's it look like?
426
00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:03,863
MARSHALL:
It looks bad,
is what it looks like.
427
00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:05,398
You cannot do this.
428
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:08,301
Marshall, she is a really cool
girl when you get to know her.
429
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:10,937
Besides, I'm trying
to make Robin jealous.
430
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:13,640
MARSHALL:
Oh, that's real mature.
431
00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:16,043
LILY:
Marshall, what is up with you
and Ted?
432
00:16:16,109 --> 00:16:18,311
MARSHALL:
Nothing, baby.
Don't worry about it.
433
00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:20,713
Fine. Do what you want.
434
00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:22,649
Hey.
435
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:23,983
Should we go?
436
00:16:24,051 --> 00:16:25,252
Yeah.
437
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,987
Thanks.
438
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:29,689
Well...
439
00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:30,890
Good night.
440
00:16:30,957 --> 00:16:32,492
Good night.
441
00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:49,642
So, did you
and Barney ever...?
442
00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:51,478
There's not enough
money in the world.
443
00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:53,446
Oh, thank God.
444
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:54,547
Whew.
445
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:56,083
(chuckles)
446
00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:58,885
Wow, so they're...?
447
00:16:58,951 --> 00:16:59,986
Uh-huh.
448
00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:03,123
Robin, where's
Sandy Rivers?
449
00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:04,691
I put him in a cab.
450
00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:06,259
So you and he aren't...?
451
00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:08,161
I don't date people
I work with.
452
00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:10,530
I was just trying
to make Ted jealous.
453
00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:11,664
Is he...?
454
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:13,300
He's off trying
to make you jealous.
455
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,536
Oh, well, good for them.
456
00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:20,407
And, you know, if Ted likes her,
she's probably pretty cool.
457
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:22,875
MARSHALL:
Lily, I know you're asleep,
458
00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:24,411
but I have to tell someone
this,
459
00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:25,778
and we tell
each other everything.
460
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:28,348
So, here it goes.
461
00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:29,982
Mary's not a paralegal.
462
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,818
She's a prostitute.
463
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,886
Mary's a prostitute?
464
00:17:33,953 --> 00:17:34,987
What?!
465
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,523
Barney paid for her.
466
00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:39,159
Is that true?
467
00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:40,960
We were having
a conversation
468
00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:42,295
about prostitution,
469
00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:43,796
and then Barney
calls her up
470
00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:45,332
and then she shows up
at the bar
471
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,134
and now she and Ted
are upstairs.
472
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,469
Okay, seriously, what is going
on with Ted lately?
473
00:17:49,536 --> 00:17:51,938
Is he having
a nervous breakdown?
474
00:17:52,004 --> 00:17:56,376
You know, Barney, for anyone
else, this would be a new low,
475
00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:58,545
but sadly, for you,
it's just a new middle.
476
00:17:59,979 --> 00:18:04,317
Oh, my God, I used
her lipstick! Ah!
477
00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:05,785
That's her napkin.
478
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:08,388
(yelps):
No!
479
00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:10,557
Okay, well, I guess now
is as good a time as any.
480
00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:12,192
In keeping with
tonight's
481
00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:14,194
award show motif,
I'd like to announce
482
00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:17,530
this evening's big twist ending!
483
00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:20,066
Ah.
484
00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:22,469
Vampire Lou, would you
do the honors?
485
00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:27,106
"Mary's not
really a prostitute."
486
00:18:27,174 --> 00:18:28,341
What?
487
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,343
That's all, Vampire Lou.
Nicely done.
488
00:18:30,410 --> 00:18:31,711
So she's not...?
No.
489
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:33,780
Mary's just a paralegal
who lives in my building.
490
00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:36,249
Oh... ha-ha!
And here's the best part...
491
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:38,318
she has no idea that Ted thinks
she's a hooker.
492
00:18:38,385 --> 00:18:41,454
(cackling)
493
00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:42,489
Oh, come on.
494
00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:45,158
If you don't laugh,
it just seems mean.
495
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:48,395
(chuckles weakly)
496
00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:58,004
I feel kind
of like Richard Gere.
497
00:18:58,070 --> 00:19:00,373
Not shy about your
looks, are you?
498
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:01,874
No.
499
00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:07,113
You know, Mary, I've never
done this before.
500
00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:08,348
Done what?
501
00:19:08,415 --> 00:19:13,620
You know, been...
on a "date."
502
00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:15,355
Yeah, right.
503
00:19:15,422 --> 00:19:16,923
Wait, you're
kidding, right?
504
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,225
No.
505
00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:20,327
Why, is that so odd?
506
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:22,895
Well, Ted, I mean,
I've been going on dates
507
00:19:22,962 --> 00:19:25,498
since I was 15.
508
00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:29,168
God, you were
just a kid.
509
00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:31,170
Well, look, let's just
have a few drinks.
510
00:19:31,238 --> 00:19:32,772
We'll relax and...
511
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:34,040
Yeah, that sounds great.
512
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:37,844
I had clients riding me
all day long.
513
00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:39,479
Must be tough.
514
00:19:39,546 --> 00:19:41,848
Yeah. I mean, this one guy
just wouldn't leave me alone.
515
00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:44,517
I mean, talk about anal.
516
00:19:49,256 --> 00:19:53,493
Well, here we are.
517
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,194
Uh...
518
00:19:55,262 --> 00:19:59,098
Okay, look, Mary,
I like you a lot.
519
00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:00,533
I'm sort of amazed
520
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,168
at how much
I like you,
521
00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:03,370
but I can't do this.
522
00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:04,671
You're a hooker.
523
00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:07,440
What?
524
00:20:07,507 --> 00:20:08,741
Look, maybe I'm
old-fashioned,
525
00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:10,643
but I'm sorry,
that's a deal-breaker for me.
526
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:12,612
I'm not going to have sex
with a prostitute.
527
00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:15,782
No... Ted, I'm a paralegal.
528
00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:17,250
Come on, Mary, there's
no one else around.
529
00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:19,552
You're a hooker.
530
00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:21,754
No, Ted...
531
00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:23,356
I'm a paralegal.
532
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:26,993
No, you're a hooker.
533
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:30,597
No, I'm a paralegal.
534
00:20:34,301 --> 00:20:36,436
You're a paralegal.
535
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:40,407
(laughing)
536
00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:41,974
That was not funny.
537
00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:43,543
Not funny, dude.
538
00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:45,812
I know,
it was hilarious.
539
00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:47,547
Why would you do that?
540
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:49,316
I did it to prove a point.
541
00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:50,750
What point?
542
00:20:52,319 --> 00:20:53,520
Stay with me.
543
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:54,954
It's going
to come to me.
544
00:20:55,021 --> 00:20:56,589
No.
545
00:20:56,656 --> 00:20:58,791
Ah, okay, here's the point.
546
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,760
You thought that Mary
was a sure thing, right?
547
00:21:00,827 --> 00:21:01,928
So what happened?
548
00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:04,431
She took you up to a hotel room
on the first date.
549
00:21:04,497 --> 00:21:06,466
All you have to do
is be that confident
550
00:21:06,533 --> 00:21:08,701
with every girl you meet
and your slump is over.
551
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:11,671
So the message is, I should
treat every woman like a whore?
552
00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:13,940
Come on, dude,
you should be
thanking me.
553
00:21:14,006 --> 00:21:15,775
She slapped me and stormed off.
554
00:21:15,842 --> 00:21:16,976
Can you blame her?
555
00:21:17,043 --> 00:21:18,678
You called her a hooker.
556
00:21:18,745 --> 00:21:19,779
(Marshall chuckles)
557
00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:22,181
I'm sorry, dude,
it was funny.
558
00:21:22,248 --> 00:21:23,516
Yeah. Well, it's getting late.
559
00:21:23,583 --> 00:21:25,318
I should get back
to my room.
560
00:21:25,385 --> 00:21:26,819
Your room?
561
00:21:26,886 --> 00:21:28,154
Yeah, that really
expensive hotel room
562
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:29,789
you put on
your credit card...
563
00:21:29,856 --> 00:21:30,923
never checked out.
564
00:21:30,990 --> 00:21:32,925
By the way, you know
what's super fun?
565
00:21:32,992 --> 00:21:36,463
Pouring Dom Perignon down
a bathtub drain.
566
00:21:36,529 --> 00:21:38,931
Well, it's almost 3:00.
Got a massage. Toodles.
567
00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:45,538
Come on, if you don't laugh,
it just seems mean.
39005
