Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,871 --> 00:00:07,041
TED:
Kids, something you might not
know about your Uncle Marshall
2
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:09,077
is that he's always been good
at games.
3
00:00:09,143 --> 00:00:10,444
I mean, unbeatable.
4
00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:12,180
Gin!
5
00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:15,983
Yahtzee!
6
00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:17,017
Poker!
7
00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:18,986
You don't have
to shout out "poker"
8
00:00:19,053 --> 00:00:20,821
when you win.
9
00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,723
I know. It's just fun to say.
10
00:00:22,790 --> 00:00:25,226
TED:
We all finally agreed
Marshall should be running
11
00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:27,328
our game nights
instead of playing in them.
12
00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:30,331
Which he took to mean,
"invent your own game."
13
00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:33,501
It's called
"Marsh-gammon."
14
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:34,468
It combines all
15
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,270
the best features of
all the best games...
16
00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:38,672
Candy Land, I Never,
Pictionary.
17
00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:39,773
Backgammon, obviously.
18
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:41,675
No. Backgammon sucks.
19
00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:42,776
I took the only good part
20
00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:44,378
of backgammon,
the "gammon,"
21
00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:47,381
and I left the rest
of it in the trash
where it belongs.
22
00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:50,551
I'm so excited
Victoria's coming.
23
00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:52,453
I'm going to go get
another round.
24
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:53,887
TED:
Okay, I want
to lay down
25
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:55,089
some ground
rules for tonight.
26
00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:58,025
Barney, I actually
like Victoria... a lot,
27
00:00:58,092 --> 00:00:59,960
so don't say
anything embarrass...
28
00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:01,929
Don't say anything.
29
00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:03,564
And guys,
30
00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:05,266
I haven't exactly
told Victoria
31
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:07,235
that I used to have a
kind of thing for Robin,
32
00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:08,836
so we you could
just avoid the...
33
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:10,404
Well, well, well.
34
00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:12,206
How rich.
35
00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:13,641
You make me promise
36
00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:15,743
to be on my best behavior
around your girlfriend,
37
00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:17,978
yet, you have been lying
to her since day one.
38
00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:19,847
Excuse me.
39
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,749
Hi. Leg Warehouse?
40
00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:23,717
Yeah, my friend Ted
needs something to stand on.
41
00:01:25,119 --> 00:01:26,787
So, nothing for him
to stand on?
42
00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:28,088
Okay, and thanks so much.
43
00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:31,492
Ted, doesn't Victoria
deserve to know
44
00:01:31,559 --> 00:01:33,394
that you once had the hots
for Robin?
45
00:01:33,461 --> 00:01:37,531
I have half a mind to tell
the story of the re-return.
46
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:41,135
(whispers):
No. I-I swore you
to secrecy on that.
47
00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:42,936
Ooh, I am smelling dirt.
48
00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:45,306
What is the story
of the re-return?
49
00:01:45,373 --> 00:01:46,974
Nothing.
It's nothing.
50
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,442
And speaking of
digging up dirt,
51
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,444
can I count on you two
to behave around Victoria?
52
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:51,745
Us?
53
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:52,980
What would we do?
54
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:54,682
Look, um, you guys
have always been
like the parents
55
00:01:54,748 --> 00:01:56,850
that I still have and,
in fact, moved here
56
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:58,419
to get away from.
57
00:01:58,486 --> 00:02:01,955
However, could we skip the
traditional interrogation
58
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:03,591
of the new
girlfriend tonight?
59
00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:05,659
BOTH:
Fine.
60
00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:06,460
Thank you.
61
00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:08,596
I should go help Robin.
Okay.
62
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:11,732
Hey.
63
00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,201
Hey.
64
00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:14,535
So, are you going to be okay
65
00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:16,237
hanging out
with Victoria tonight?
66
00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:18,606
Oh, sure. She's great.
67
00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:19,840
Oh, what?
68
00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:21,642
Because of the whole thing
where I said I liked Ted?
69
00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:23,311
No. Victoria's great.
70
00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:27,248
She's fun, she's
free-spirited,
she's great.
71
00:02:27,315 --> 00:02:29,250
I said, "She's great"
too many times, didn't I?
72
00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:30,784
You must really hate the bitch.
73
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:32,520
(laughs)
74
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,388
But if you roll an even number
75
00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:36,557
while adjacent
to the Peppermint Forest,
76
00:02:36,624 --> 00:02:39,159
then you "Marshall out,"
and all your chips go
77
00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:41,161
into the pot,
and remember,
78
00:02:41,229 --> 00:02:43,464
if you ever ask
the question "What?," then...
79
00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:45,065
(buzzer sounds)
80
00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:46,500
You got to drink.
81
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:47,301
Got it?
82
00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:50,003
(all talking at once)
83
00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:52,172
Okay, okay, no, no, we'll just
start, you guys'll pick it up.
84
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,307
Newbie goes first.
85
00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:54,642
Roll.
Okay.
86
00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:57,278
Three!
87
00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:58,479
You got Autobiography.
88
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:00,047
Now, that's where you have
89
00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:01,215
to answer
90
00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:03,251
a personal question
about your dating life
91
00:03:03,317 --> 00:03:04,818
truthfully in order to move on.
92
00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:06,420
Marshall, come on.
93
00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:08,356
Hey, she's the one
who rolled a three.
94
00:03:09,156 --> 00:03:11,259
Victoria,
95
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:12,493
"Have you
96
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,828
ever cheated
while in a relationship?"
97
00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:17,030
Wow, good question.
98
00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:18,198
Look, you don't
have to answer that.
99
00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:19,767
It's okay.
100
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:24,204
Um, well, I was in a really
crappy relationship in college,
101
00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:27,074
and I wound up kissing
this guy at a party
102
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:28,676
one night, and I
103
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:32,280
felt terrible about it, so,
I came clean, and we broke up.
104
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:37,150
Victoria, that was an honest
and mature answer.
105
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,520
You may advance
to The Gumdrop Mountains.
106
00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:41,489
Ooh.
107
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:44,792
So Victoria, did you ever
rereturn to this guy?
108
00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:45,459
What?
109
00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:46,660
(buzzer sounds)
110
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:47,595
You said what,
you got to drink!
111
00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:50,030
LILY:
Oh, Barney,
112
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,499
by the way, I
went to a party
113
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,367
in that new
building on 82nd,
114
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:54,868
and the host said she knew you.
115
00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:56,103
What is her name?
116
00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:57,305
Sharon? Shannon?
117
00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:58,572
Shannon?!
118
00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:01,208
Shannon, Shannon...
119
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:04,011
No, don't remember any Shannon.
120
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,447
Really? Well, 'cause she gave me
a videotape to give...
121
00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:08,982
Where's the tape?
122
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:10,884
Fine.
123
00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:14,922
Cool, okay.
You know, whenever.
124
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:17,024
Okay, Robin,
your roll.
125
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,059
(whoops)
126
00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:20,628
Five!
127
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,162
Another
Autobiography...
128
00:04:22,229 --> 00:04:23,364
(whoops)
129
00:04:23,431 --> 00:04:25,999
for the player to
your left, which...
130
00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:27,601
Victoria!
131
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:29,269
Of course.
132
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:33,140
Victoria, "How many
boyfriends did you have
133
00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:35,543
before you started
dating Ted?"
134
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:36,944
Wait, the card
actually says "Ted?"
135
00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:38,078
VICTORIA:
Okay,
136
00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:41,081
uh, well, boyfriends...
I guess I've only had... two.
137
00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:42,015
Prude alert.
138
00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:46,354
Well... that's
serious boyfriends.
139
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:48,322
I've dated other guys
in between.
140
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:49,490
Oh, slut alert!
141
00:04:49,557 --> 00:04:50,924
(laughing)
142
00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:54,428
Oh, great,
there it is.
143
00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:55,763
Thanks, Lily.
144
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,798
You're a peach.
145
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,502
(Barney yelling
and slamming tape on counter)
146
00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,740
Oh, wow, look
at that.
147
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,542
Robin landed on
the Chocolate Swamp.
148
00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:10,478
That's five
chips for me.
149
00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:11,712
MARSHALL:
Thank you!
150
00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:14,014
Finally somebody
understands Marsh-gammon.
151
00:05:14,081 --> 00:05:16,550
Barney, what was on that tape?
152
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,386
Too bad you'll never find out.
153
00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:19,687
Oh, damn it!
154
00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:21,422
If only
I'd given you a fake tape
155
00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:22,956
and hidden the real tape
156
00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:24,458
in my purse.
Oh, wait.
157
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:26,293
That's exactly what I did.
158
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,061
- What?!
- (buzzer sounds)
159
00:05:28,128 --> 00:05:29,463
- Drink!
- Aah!
160
00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:31,932
Yeah, you were acting so weird
about it, I gave you Ted's
161
00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:33,567
graduation
tape instead.
162
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:34,835
So, should we pop it in?
163
00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:36,370
Give it to me,
give it, give me...
164
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:37,938
Play the tape,
play it, play it!
Ted!
165
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,440
Fine, fine.
166
00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:41,942
You cannot
play it.
167
00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:44,845
(crying)
168
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,747
Shannon!
169
00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:48,516
I love you!
170
00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,518
I love you so much.
171
00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:55,389
What about us
changing the world together?
172
00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:57,891
Don't tell me you've forgotten.
173
00:05:57,958 --> 00:06:00,227
I know I haven't.
174
00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:02,329
(piano plays mellow tune)
175
00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:08,702
* Will I ever see
another rainbow? *
176
00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:11,872
* Will an eagle ever soar *
177
00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:15,342
* Through this tempest of woe? *
178
00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:17,010
* Baby, please *
179
00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:20,714
* Don't go *
180
00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:25,185
* There's a thief in the palace,
she's stolen all my love *
181
00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:27,555
* There's a thief in the palace
and she's... *
182
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,365
Did you try
his cell phone?
183
00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:39,967
Yeah, I left
two messages.
184
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:42,169
I checked the cigar club,
the Lusty Leopard.
185
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,104
He's off the grid.
186
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:47,207
Hey, guys,
what up?
187
00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:48,542
Barney, where
have you been?
188
00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:50,143
Yeah, we're-we're really
sorry about that.
189
00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:51,745
Yeah, so sorry.
190
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,748
But seriously, what was up
with the tape?
191
00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,249
No, no, stay.
Come on,
Barney.
192
00:06:56,316 --> 00:06:57,518
Come on.
Stay!
193
00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:58,819
I'm sorry. I don't want
to talk about it.
194
00:06:58,886 --> 00:07:00,721
It was the most embarrassing,
and humiliating thing
195
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:02,289
that ever happened to me.
196
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:04,692
Well, we all have
embarrassing stories.
197
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,293
Sometimes it's good
to-to talk about it.
198
00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:07,595
Oh, really?
199
00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:08,896
Then why don't you tell us
200
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:11,031
your most humiliating moment,
Marshall?
201
00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:12,600
Show me how good it is.
202
00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:16,737
All right.
203
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:19,740
I was stopping by Lily's
kindergarten class to say hi,
204
00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:21,742
but they were all at recess.
205
00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:25,646
I really had to pee, so I went
into the class's restroom.
206
00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:28,348
It was a-a smaller target
than I'm used to,
207
00:07:28,415 --> 00:07:31,519
so I figured
I should sit down.
208
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,557
What I didn't realize was,
it was a shared bathroom.
209
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:39,092
(screaming)
210
00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:43,564
I wish I'd pulled up my pants.
211
00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,999
(children giggling)
212
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:49,336
(laughing)
213
00:07:49,402 --> 00:07:51,238
The kids still call him
Funny Butt.
214
00:07:53,641 --> 00:07:56,109
Okay. I'll tell you my story.
215
00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:58,612
Believe it or not,
216
00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:02,049
I was not always as awesome
as I am today.
217
00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:04,585
It was 1998.
218
00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,153
I was just out of college,
and I was working
219
00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:08,355
at a coffeehouse
with my girlfriend.
220
00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:10,758
My girlfriend... Shannon.
221
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,627
* Yeah, you were meant for me *
222
00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:17,364
* And I was meant for you *
223
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:19,867
* Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh. *
224
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,835
Thank you.
225
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,307
All right.
226
00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:29,176
I love your
singing, Barney.
227
00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:30,578
And I love you, Shannon.
228
00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:32,145
(both laughing)
229
00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:35,048
Joining the Peace
Corps with you is
gonna be legendary.
230
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:40,087
I know. Only five short weeks
till we're down in Nicaragua.
231
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:41,488
Hey, nonfat latte to go.
232
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:44,625
Mellow order, bro,
mellow order.
233
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:47,761
Dude, that your g-friend?
234
00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:49,630
All right, high five!
235
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:53,100
Sorry, I only give high twos.
236
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:55,569
Whatevs. As long
as you're nailing that.
237
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:57,504
Listen to you.
238
00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:58,939
That?
239
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:01,174
You know, women aren't objects.
240
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:02,075
They're human beings.
241
00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:03,210
And FYI,
242
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:04,578
Shannon and I have decided
243
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:05,946
to wait till we're married.
244
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:07,781
You can read about it
in my zine.
245
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:09,650
Hey, haircut, right here.
246
00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:11,384
Open up your
knowledge basket,
247
00:09:11,451 --> 00:09:12,653
'cause here it comes.
248
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,021
Forget that touchy-feely crap.
249
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:16,189
You get money, you get laid.
End of discussion.
250
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:17,758
I feel sorry for you, man.
251
00:09:17,825 --> 00:09:20,227
Peace out, hombre.
252
00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:21,528
(laughing)
253
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:23,764
Suits.
254
00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:27,400
BARNEY:
Five weeks later,
we were all set
255
00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:29,369
to leave
for the Peace Corps.
256
00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:31,504
Only problem was...
257
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,741
she never showed up.
258
00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:40,781
She never showed?
259
00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:42,750
So, what happened next?
260
00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:44,918
(sighs):
You know what?
261
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,987
This was a mistake.
Wait. Uh...
262
00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:50,123
What if somebody else told
their most humiliating story?
263
00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:51,659
Oh, I know just
how to decide who.
264
00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:54,061
You brought the game
to the bar?
265
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:56,496
Well, we're not quitting just
'cause Ted's so far ahead.
266
00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:57,765
I was winning?
267
00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:00,100
(gasps)
268
00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:04,504
Fine. I'll go next.
269
00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:06,439
I was doing a report
on live TV
270
00:10:06,506 --> 00:10:08,475
about a hansom cab driver.
271
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:11,211
Not the slipping-in-horse-poop
story!
272
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,145
Yeah, we all know that one.
273
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:14,014
VICTORIA:
Okay, how
about this?
274
00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:16,850
I will tell you my
most humiliating story.
275
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:19,586
Yeah, Victoria,
way to step up!
276
00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,421
Okay, it involves a
game of truth or dare,
277
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:24,357
a squeeze-bottle
of marshmallow ice
cream topping,
278
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:25,926
and the hot tub
279
00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:28,896
at my grandparents'
retirement community.
280
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:31,231
TED:
Kids, I tell you a lot
of inappropriate stories,
281
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,400
but there's no way in hell
I'm telling you this one.
282
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,969
Don't worry, though,
it wasn't that great.
283
00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:39,406
That is the
greatest story ever!
284
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,541
Oh my God!
285
00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:43,510
Wow, wow!
286
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:47,247
Victoria, I deem
your offering... worthy.
287
00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:52,319
My saga... continues.
288
00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:55,555
I went back to the coffeehouse
to find Shannon.
289
00:10:55,622 --> 00:10:56,924
Barney.
290
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,558
Sugar Bear,
where were you?
291
00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:00,761
Oh, I'm sorry.
292
00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:02,595
My dad won't let me go.
293
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,332
But the Nicaraguans need us!
294
00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:08,268
It's just, he's still
supporting me, and...
295
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,804
Look, he's coming by soon
to talk about it, but
296
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:13,506
I think you should go on
without me.
297
00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:15,542
Shannon, there is no...
Barney,
298
00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:17,344
it's your dream.
299
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:19,246
It's only two years.
300
00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:21,882
I know we can make it.
301
00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:27,587
BARNEY:
As I walked away, I realized
Shannon was an adult.
302
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,791
Her father couldn't control
her life.
303
00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:33,326
I had to go back
and confront him.
304
00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:38,065
She was in the middle
305
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,200
of a heated argument
with her dad.
306
00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:48,942
ALL:
What?!
307
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:50,978
(buzzer sounds)
308
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,880
Now we all got to drink.
309
00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:01,354
Oh, my God.
310
00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:02,355
What happened next?
311
00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:05,392
I don't know, guys.
312
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:06,927
Okay, okay.
313
00:12:06,994 --> 00:12:08,595
Marshall's mom
sent us cookies...
314
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:09,897
Lily, no!
315
00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:12,800
For the team, Marshall,
for the team.
316
00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:15,202
Hey, Mrs. Eriksen, it's Lily.
317
00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:18,505
Thank you so much
for the delicious cookies.
318
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,240
Mayonnaise.
319
00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:21,441
Really?
320
00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:23,443
Never would have guessed.
321
00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:26,579
Well, I will definitely
give Marshall a kiss for you.
322
00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:27,747
Okay. Take care.
323
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:30,250
Oh, crap.
324
00:12:30,317 --> 00:12:31,618
My mom sent cookies?
325
00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,420
Yeah.
326
00:12:33,486 --> 00:12:37,024
I wish we had a dog,
so they wouldn't go to waste.
327
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:39,827
So we've got the whole
place to ourselves.
328
00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:41,594
I'm thinking
329
00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:43,763
floor sex.
Sounds reasonable.
330
00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:48,869
LILY:
Ooh, floor's cold.
331
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:52,239
Grab that afghan your mom made.
332
00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:54,707
The whole time?
333
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:58,778
The... whole... time.
334
00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:02,049
Barney, that was really
embarrassing for both of us.
335
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,583
We just earned a
huge chunk of story.
336
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:05,418
Right.
337
00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:06,386
So where was I?
338
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:07,620
Oh, yeah.
339
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:09,990
Shannon was sucking face
with her dad.
340
00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:19,399
How can...
341
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:20,868
With your dad?
342
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:22,102
I mean, I know
343
00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:25,738
judge not lest ye be judged,
but gross!
344
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,540
Barney, that's not my dad.
345
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:30,043
His name's Greg. I've been
seeing him for a few weeks.
346
00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:33,914
I was hoping you'd just leave,
and we could avoid all this.
347
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:36,016
We're breaking up?
348
00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:37,951
But what about the Peace Corps?
349
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:41,054
Yeah, all this granola business,
it was just a phase.
350
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:43,556
Greg's older.
351
00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:45,025
He's successful.
352
00:13:45,092 --> 00:13:47,861
He buys me all this cool stuff.
353
00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:49,863
But I love you.
354
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:52,532
But he has a boat.
355
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:56,603
You should go
to the Peace Corps
356
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,305
and forget about me.
357
00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:03,476
BARNEY:
I didn't go.
358
00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:07,247
That night, I recorded my video
and mailed it to Shannon.
359
00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:09,549
I didn't see her
until a week later.
360
00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:13,120
There's sugar in the basket.
361
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:15,788
Shannon!
362
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,690
Shannon, you came back!
363
00:14:17,757 --> 00:14:19,492
I'm just picking up
my last paycheck.
364
00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:20,793
Oh.
365
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:24,031
Did you... did you get my tape?
366
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:26,666
Oh, she got the tape.
367
00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:29,469
You?
368
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:30,770
It was you?
369
00:14:30,837 --> 00:14:33,941
* Will I ever see
another rainbow *
370
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,108
(laughs)
371
00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:38,145
(laughing)
372
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:44,351
(sobbing)
373
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:04,337
(ominous march music playing)
374
00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:56,056
Oh, you poor thing.
375
00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:57,957
The story's not over.
376
00:15:58,025 --> 00:15:59,759
I did see Shannon one more time.
377
00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:00,693
When?
378
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:01,661
(buzzer)
379
00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,130
Sorry.
380
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:06,066
You've got to tell us.
381
00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:08,501
I don't know,
I think I might need
382
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:11,404
one last story
to get me through it.
383
00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:14,607
Fine.
384
00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:15,675
Um... oh!
385
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:16,976
The green testicle story.
386
00:16:17,044 --> 00:16:18,878
So I was playing
ultimate frisbee in college
387
00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:21,748
and there was this barefoot dude
with weirdly sharp toenails...
388
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:22,949
Oh, come on, Ted!
389
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:24,617
You know what story
I want to hear.
390
00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:26,019
Everyone else here
391
00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:27,987
has manned up tonight
and told the truth.
392
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:29,356
Why can't you?
393
00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:32,359
You're right.
394
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:35,628
Victoria, I'm sorry
I haven't told you this yet,
395
00:16:35,695 --> 00:16:39,599
but a while back,
I was kind of into Robin.
396
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,235
In fact, on our first date,
397
00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:45,738
I might have said, "I love you."
398
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,642
Understandably,
she freaked out and I left.
399
00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:50,710
But unfortunately...
400
00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:53,213
...the night
did not end there.
401
00:16:54,981 --> 00:16:58,285
TED:
We all ended up at the bar
with our cab driver Ranjit.
402
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,253
To one hell of a night!
403
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,090
(chuckling)
404
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:05,492
And I drank...
405
00:17:05,558 --> 00:17:07,660
a lot.
406
00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:11,531
So you guys think
I should have kissed her?
407
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,033
Well, I'll tell you what,
408
00:17:14,101 --> 00:17:17,637
I'm gonna go kiss her
right... now.
409
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,106
Yes! Do it!
410
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:20,573
To the cab.
411
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,243
(chuckles)
412
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:39,192
(vomiting)
413
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:40,260
ROBIN:
Hello?
414
00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:43,596
Is someone out there?
415
00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:49,336
(groans)
416
00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:53,306
You ralphed and ran?
417
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:57,110
I thought you were
vomit-free since '93.
418
00:17:57,177 --> 00:17:59,179
So that was a lie?
419
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:02,282
You re-returned for me.
420
00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:04,651
That's really sweet.
421
00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:07,387
Though you kind of ruined my
customized Scherbotsky doormat.
422
00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:08,688
(whispers):
Sorry.
423
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:11,424
It's okay.
424
00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:12,692
Victoria, I know
this must be...
425
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:13,626
Yeah.
426
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:17,530
It kind of is.
427
00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:20,267
Wow, Ted, you were right.
428
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:21,634
You shouldn't have
told that story.
429
00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:26,373
But you did earn yourself
the right to the end of mine.
430
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,142
We fast-forward
eight years into the future.
431
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:32,111
Wait, eight years...
that's, that's this year.
432
00:18:32,179 --> 00:18:36,183
Marshall, not only is it
this year, it's tonight.
433
00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:48,561
Hi.
434
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:49,462
Barney?
435
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:50,830
Hi, Shannon.
436
00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:52,799
What are you doing here?
437
00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:54,367
Just listen.
438
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,269
When you left me
for that guy Greg,
439
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,838
it changed me.
440
00:18:58,905 --> 00:19:00,340
Now I'm this.
441
00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:03,343
I-I know this is crazy.
442
00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:05,478
It's just, you were once
such a big part of my life.
443
00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:08,114
And it just seemed insane that
you didn't know who I am now.
444
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:10,817
So here I am.
445
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:13,820
BARNEY:
And then she told me
about her life.
446
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:17,324
She and Greg dated for a while
and then split up.
447
00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:19,259
BARNEY:
But here's
the real kicker:
448
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,461
Shannon's a mom.
449
00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:23,263
She has a little kid named Max.
450
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:26,098
That's crazy.
451
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,667
That could have been my kid.
452
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:31,304
But instead, what do I have?
453
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:33,005
My whole life's
some money in the bank,
454
00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:37,377
some suits in my closet and
a string of one-night stands.
455
00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:39,946
Hey.
456
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,348
Come on.
I mean, just because
457
00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:44,050
her life went one way
and yours went another,
458
00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:46,519
it doesn't make
your life any worse.
459
00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:50,189
My life rocks!
460
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:53,326
Money, suits and sex.
461
00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:54,727
These are tears of joy!
462
00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:57,096
BARNEY:
I could be cooped up
463
00:19:57,163 --> 00:20:00,433
in some tiny apartment changing
some brat's poopy diapers.
464
00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:04,271
But instead, I'm out in the
world being awesome 24-7, 365!
465
00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:06,939
You let me dodge a bullet,
Big Guy.
466
00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:10,710
Plus, here's the mini-cherry
on top of the regular cherry
467
00:20:10,777 --> 00:20:13,380
on top of the sundae of
awesomeness that is my life.
468
00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:16,215
After Shannon and I talked,
I nailed her.
469
00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:18,785
Nope.
Yeah.
470
00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:20,152
Nope.
Yeah.
471
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:21,754
Sorry. Don't buy it.
You're making it up.
472
00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:22,822
You're just trying
473
00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,457
to cover the fact
that you actually had
474
00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:25,492
a profound moment of doubt
475
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:26,626
about yourself and...
476
00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:28,194
(Shannon moans)
Oh, my God.
477
00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:29,362
Oh, Barney!
478
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:31,731
Video's pretty good
on this phone, huh?
479
00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:33,199
Is your phone on?
480
00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:34,801
BARNEY:
Oh, no. It just takes a while
481
00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:36,102
to power down.
482
00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:37,337
Ew, gross.
483
00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:38,305
Just stop it.
484
00:20:38,371 --> 00:20:39,506
(chuckles)
485
00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:42,008
Ladies, gentlemen...
486
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:43,476
Ted.
487
00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:45,745
This has been
488
00:20:45,812 --> 00:20:46,713
a wonderful evening.
489
00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:48,014
I got great dirt
on all you guys.
490
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,782
I got Ted to tell the re-return.
491
00:20:50,617 --> 00:20:52,385
I finally nailed Shannon!
492
00:20:52,452 --> 00:20:54,354
Told her I'd call her tomorrow.
Yeah, right.
493
00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:58,958
And I rediscovered just how
awesomely awesome my life is.
494
00:20:59,025 --> 00:21:00,360
Peace out, hombres!
495
00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:06,699
I think Barney just
won game night.
496
00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:09,902
TED:
We spend so much effort
497
00:21:09,969 --> 00:21:11,471
trying to keep
parts of our lives hidden,
498
00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:13,873
even from our closest friends.
499
00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:17,610
But those rare times
when we do open up,
500
00:21:17,677 --> 00:21:19,846
it's amazing how minor those
secrets all end up seeming.
501
00:21:19,912 --> 00:21:21,581
* Right? Right? *
502
00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:23,383
* You've got to want *
503
00:21:23,450 --> 00:21:24,551
* To rearrange *
504
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:26,486
* And keep it off the record *
505
00:21:26,553 --> 00:21:27,520
* Off the record *
506
00:21:27,587 --> 00:21:29,789
* You've got to know... *
507
00:21:29,856 --> 00:21:32,325
Of course, not every secret
was told that night.
508
00:21:32,392 --> 00:21:36,396
But that's getting
ahead of the story.
34325
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese