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1
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:18,319
TED:
Kids, in life there are
a lot of big romantic moments.
2
00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:19,987
And they make life
worth living
3
00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:21,555
But here's the problem:
4
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:24,225
moments pass, and lurking
just around the corner
5
00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:28,562
from those moments
is a cruel, unshaven bastard
6
00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:29,797
named reality.
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00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:32,200
And so, back in 2006,
8
00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:34,868
on the night of Claudia
and Stuart's wedding,
9
00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:36,470
reality was the enemy.
10
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:37,771
Wow.
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00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:39,107
The Peace Corps?
12
00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:41,509
Yeah. I ship out
tomorrow... two years.
13
00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:45,213
You know, some people say
the Peace Corps is
14
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:47,115
the most noble thing
a person can do.
15
00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:49,049
To those people,
I say, "Is it?"
16
00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:51,985
And usually they say,
"Yes, it is."
17
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,954
Barney, they are so right.
18
00:00:54,021 --> 00:00:56,390
I wish there was something
I could do.
19
00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:59,560
Oh, Tanya...
I'm so glad you said that.
20
00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:02,296
This wasn't how I'd thought
21
00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:04,532
the night would turn out.
22
00:01:04,598 --> 00:01:07,768
This was finally supposed to be
my big moment with Robin.
23
00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,903
But then reality came along.
24
00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:13,374
Robin got called up last-minute
to anchor the 11:00 news.
25
00:01:13,441 --> 00:01:15,843
It was her big break.
26
00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:18,312
And I went to the wedding stag.
27
00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:22,250
Then,
when I least expected it...
28
00:01:31,225 --> 00:01:33,194
LILY:
Hey, where the hell did you
29
00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:34,995
disappear to last night?
30
00:01:35,062 --> 00:01:38,399
I had the most
amazing night ever.
31
00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:39,900
Tell me about it.
That cake.
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00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:41,169
Best cake I ever had.
Seriously.
33
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:43,003
My stomach was,
like, "Hey, bro,
34
00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:45,639
"I don't know what
you're eating, 'cause
I don't have any eyes,
35
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:48,276
but it's basically
awesome, so keep sending
it down Gullet Alley."
36
00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:49,643
LILY:
Yeah, I know.
37
00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:51,212
My stomach was, like,
"Girlfriend,
38
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:53,747
we don't always get along,
but that cake..."
39
00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:55,115
Lily.
40
00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:56,984
Oh, right.
41
00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:59,420
"Most amazing night ever,"
and go.
42
00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:02,190
You know, I should tell
you, I have a rule.
43
00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:04,425
I never hook up at weddings.
44
00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:07,528
I'm guessing you haven't
always had this rule.
45
00:02:07,595 --> 00:02:10,864
Well, here's the thing,
those big romantic moments,
46
00:02:10,931 --> 00:02:14,034
they're great when they happen,
but they're not real.
47
00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:15,503
Exactly, exactly...
like-like just now,
48
00:02:15,569 --> 00:02:18,172
when I saw you doing
the chicken dance out there,
49
00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:20,908
I'm not gonna lie to you,
big-time thunderbolt.
50
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,843
Mm. You should see me tap-dance.
51
00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:24,478
You'd be down on bended knee.
52
00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:27,114
Sadly not out of character.
53
00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:29,683
But I know now
it's just a mirage.
54
00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:31,151
Wedding goggles.
55
00:02:31,219 --> 00:02:32,553
Exactly. And that,
in a nutshell,
56
00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:34,822
is why I'm not putting
the moves on you.
57
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,324
This isn't the moves?
58
00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:38,326
What, you...
you think this is the moves?
59
00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:39,860
Believe me,
you'd know the moves.
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00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:42,563
People ten tables away
would know the moves.
61
00:02:42,630 --> 00:02:44,332
(groans):
Oh, that's too bad.
62
00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:45,933
Tell me about it.
63
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,701
You know, I think...
64
00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:49,503
I have a solution.
65
00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:50,904
Interested.
66
00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:52,573
And to preface this,
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00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,642
we're not gonna
sleep together tonight.
68
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:55,809
Less interested.
69
00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:56,910
(laughs)
70
00:02:56,977 --> 00:02:58,612
Go ahead.
Okay.
71
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:02,049
So the thing that always
screws it up is the next day.
72
00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:04,184
Right? So...
73
00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:07,087
Why don't we just
cut that part out?
74
00:03:07,154 --> 00:03:08,289
What are you saying?
75
00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:10,591
I'm saying,
I'm here; you're here;
76
00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:13,227
this is a big romantic wedding.
77
00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:15,229
Why don't we just dance
78
00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:16,997
and have a great time,
79
00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:19,933
and then when it's over,
never see each other again.
80
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,736
Unless...
81
00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:24,905
No. No unless.
82
00:03:24,972 --> 00:03:29,176
No e-mails, no phone numbers,
not even names.
83
00:03:29,243 --> 00:03:34,081
Tonight we will make a memory
that will never be tarnished.
84
00:03:34,147 --> 00:03:35,883
And then...
85
00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:37,618
when we're old and gray,
86
00:03:37,685 --> 00:03:42,290
we'll look back on this night
and it'll be perfect.
87
00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:44,558
(whispers):
Wow.
88
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:47,328
Okay, I'm in.
89
00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:48,562
Okay.
I guess, uh,
90
00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:50,030
what, we'll need fake names?
91
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:54,001
Um... you can call me Buttercup.
92
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,503
Pleased to meet you, Buttercup.
93
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,605
I'm... Lando Calrissian.
94
00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:00,808
Wow, this is kind of exciting.
95
00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:03,210
Our names will forever
be shrouded...
Ted, Ted, Ted.
96
00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:04,512
Look, I got a bridesmaid.
97
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,447
Ted, look, look, Ted,
the second hottest bridesmaid.
98
00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:07,748
Ted, look. See ya, Ted.
99
00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:12,786
So, I'm Ted.
100
00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:14,755
Victoria.
101
00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:16,123
But no last names.
102
00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:17,458
No last names.
103
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:21,595
(groans)
Oh, what is wrong
with you?
104
00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:24,197
Dude, that is just, like...
105
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,334
a weenie-ass idea.
106
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,168
No, it was awesome:
I had a great night,
107
00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:31,171
I'm never gonna see her again,
and there's no way to ruin it.
108
00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:32,940
Ted, how do I
explain this to you?
109
00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:35,409
Last night I ate the
best cake of my life.
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00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:38,011
Now, you think I'm gonna
let that cake out of my life?
111
00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:40,614
Hell, no. I'm gonna find out
what bakery made that cake,
112
00:04:40,681 --> 00:04:43,016
and then I'm gonna
get some more cake.
113
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,885
That cake really got
to you, huh?
114
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,454
It haunts me.
115
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:49,890
So, what happened next?
116
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,425
Okay.
117
00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:53,794
Ground rules have
been established.
Mm-hmm.
118
00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:56,797
Now let's see some
of these moves I've
heard so much about.
119
00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:05,973
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
120
00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:08,376
Let's do all the single ladies
in this joint
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00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:10,177
a big favor
and steal the bouquet.
122
00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:13,681
Yes, but we'll need...
a diversion.
123
00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:15,383
(clinking glass)
Kiss!
124
00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:17,518
OTHERS:
Kiss!
Kiss, come on!
125
00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:20,854
OTHERS (chanting):
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
126
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:24,024
So that's what happened
to the bouquet.
127
00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:25,593
You know,
good for Victoria.
128
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:28,328
It's such
an evil tradition.
129
00:05:28,396 --> 00:05:29,763
You're not gonna do it
at your wedding?
130
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,632
Hell, yeah, I'm gonna take
that flower-grenade
131
00:05:31,699 --> 00:05:33,200
and chuck it
into the crowd
132
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,703
and scream,
"Crawl for it, bitches!"
133
00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,906
That's just what girls do.
134
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:41,174
So, where'd you guys go?
135
00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:44,077
(piano rag playing)
136
00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:51,318
(music ends)
137
00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:52,953
Very nice.
138
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:53,687
Yeah?
139
00:05:56,424 --> 00:05:58,592
Okay, I don't really know
how to tap-dance.
I couldn't tell.
140
00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:01,662
Really.
(laughs)
141
00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:04,998
Well, it's too bad you're not
gonna get some tonight.
142
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:08,536
Oh, if I wanted some,
I could get some.
No, you couldn't.
143
00:06:08,602 --> 00:06:11,739
You're a dude.
I could get some.
144
00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:12,906
You could totally get some.
145
00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:20,280
We're not gonna kiss tonight.
146
00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:21,482
(bangs piano keys)
147
00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:26,219
If-if we kiss,
all of this becomes real.
148
00:06:26,286 --> 00:06:28,922
You-you might use
too much tongue.
149
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:29,857
I might not use enough.
150
00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,892
And then suddenly, poof,
spell's broken.
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00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:32,926
I will use
152
00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:36,897
exactly the right
amount of tongue.
153
00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:40,400
Okay, how about this?
154
00:06:40,468 --> 00:06:43,236
The best part
of any first kiss
155
00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:45,305
is the lead-up to it.
156
00:06:45,372 --> 00:06:48,375
The moment right before
the lips touch.
157
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:51,912
It's like a big drumroll.
158
00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:53,046
So...
159
00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:57,918
how about tonight, we just
stick with the drumroll?
160
00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:00,454
Okay.
161
00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:01,789
But we can't kiss.
162
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,525
Okay.
163
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,046
MARSHALL:
A drumroll?
164
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:27,147
That's it?
165
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:29,249
So, what, you just...
166
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,451
you said good night,
came home and...
167
00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:34,187
performed a drum solo?
168
00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:36,990
Oh, Ted, you're such a doof!
169
00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:39,259
I mean, this girl
sounds amazing.
170
00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:40,661
She was completely amazing.
171
00:07:40,728 --> 00:07:42,563
She was amazing
and funny,
172
00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:45,432
and we connected on every level,
173
00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:47,801
and I'm never gonna
see her again.
174
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:50,804
Damn it,
I have to see her again!
175
00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:51,872
Yes!
Yes!
176
00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:52,940
So let's get
to work, man.
177
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:55,075
What else do you
know about her?
178
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:57,410
Nothing. Her
name's Victoria...
that's all I got.
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00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,579
Wait, Claudia,
180
00:07:58,646 --> 00:07:59,713
Claudia would know.
181
00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:00,981
Well, Claudia's
on her honeymoon.
182
00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:03,183
She'll be back in two weeks.
Call her then.
183
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:04,685
Yes, two weeks. Good idea.
184
00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:06,053
I'm calling her now.
185
00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:08,989
No, Ted,
you don't mess with a honeymoon.
186
00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:10,057
Yeah, come on, dude.
187
00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:11,224
Ask her about the cake.
188
00:08:12,459 --> 00:08:14,795
(phone rings)
189
00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:15,629
Ted?
190
00:08:15,696 --> 00:08:16,964
Hey, Claudia!
191
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:19,432
Great wedding, beautiful toast,
touching stuff.
192
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,868
How's the honeymoon?
193
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:22,169
Listen, I'm calling
because last night
194
00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:25,005
I met this girl, and I was
wondering if you had...
195
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:27,440
Oh, you have got
to be freaking kidding me!
196
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:28,508
Aw, here we go.
197
00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:30,410
24 hours ago,
198
00:08:30,477 --> 00:08:31,945
you were begging...
begging me
199
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,847
to bring some other girl
to my wedding,
200
00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:35,482
and now, well, uh,
you're over her?
201
00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:37,785
I've moved on?
202
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,554
What was her name?
Is it my fat cousin Lindsay?
203
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:42,455
Don't be embarrassed.
She has pretty eyes.
204
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:43,891
Uh, no.
Her name was Victoria.
205
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,559
I don't know her last name.
206
00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:47,695
Well, lucky for you,
207
00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:49,897
I know that guest list
backwards and forwards.
208
00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,264
(exhales):
Thank God.
209
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:54,267
Unlucky for you, there was
no Victoria at my wedding.
210
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:55,302
Good-bye, Ted.
211
00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:07,080
There was no Victoria
at the wedding.
212
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:10,450
Maybe she used
a second fake name.
213
00:09:10,517 --> 00:09:13,186
Oh, she's good.
She's very good.
214
00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:14,254
Maybe she was ghost.
215
00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:15,488
That's why she
didn't want
216
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,024
to kiss you...
because you'd just
217
00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:19,159
pass right through
her and feel really
cold for a second.
218
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:21,762
Oh, my God, I just
had a great idea
for a screenplay.
219
00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:23,997
Marshall...
she was not a ghost!
220
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,033
I know that she
wasn't a ghost.
221
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:30,037
She picked up a bouquet,
proving she had corporeal form.
222
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:32,239
Wait-wait! She was
sitting across from
a couple of bridesmaids.
223
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:34,407
She must've been at their table.
Maybe they know who she was.
224
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:36,910
Great. So how do we get in touch
with the bridesmaids?
225
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,247
(cell phone vibrates)
226
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,983
This better be good.
I am about to enter Nirvana.
227
00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:45,585
By the way, I should get you
Nirvana's phone number.
228
00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:48,021
She gives a great massage.
Say what?!
Barney!
229
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,156
Ow!
230
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:53,560
I know the house rules.
Es un chiste!
231
00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:54,828
Listen, Barney,
I saw you talking
232
00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:55,963
to that bridesmaid last night.
233
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:57,698
Did you happen to get
her phone number?
234
00:09:57,765 --> 00:09:59,399
You know I did.
235
00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:02,135
Great! Um, I'm gonna need you
to call her for me.
236
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,337
You know I won't.
237
00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:05,472
Why not?
238
00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:07,607
Because we just hooked up
last night.
239
00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:09,609
I can't call the girl
the next day.
240
00:10:09,677 --> 00:10:12,479
I have to wait at least,
like... forever.
241
00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:14,682
Oh, snap!
Never gonna call her.
242
00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:15,683
Besides, she thinks
243
00:10:15,749 --> 00:10:17,718
I'm on my way to India.
244
00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:20,353
Oh, come on, Barney.
It's for a good cause.
245
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:23,456
Uh, Ted going all castrati
over yet another girl
246
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:25,225
is exactly not a good cause.
247
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:28,195
Sorry, buddy, I wish
I could help you.
My hands are tied.
248
00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:30,798
Oh, no, wait.
That was last night.
(imitates whip cracking)
249
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,167
Okay, Barney, I'll tell
you what I'm going to do.
250
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:37,104
You make this call
and I will go with you
251
00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:40,007
to Foxy Boxing.
252
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:41,174
Really?
253
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:42,676
Yeah.
254
00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:44,211
But you always said
the Foxy Boxing girls
255
00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:45,846
were neither foxy
nor good at boxing.
256
00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:47,514
I'm ready to be
proven wrong.
257
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:49,149
Tonight?
258
00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:50,017
Tonight.
259
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,484
(whispers):
Dial.
260
00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:52,953
Yeah, Tanya, turns out
261
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:54,387
I don't leave for
the Peace Corps till tomorrow.
262
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:56,990
Yeah, I know.
263
00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:59,392
It sucks. Just one fewer day
I get to help people.
264
00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:02,262
Anyway, this girl...
any idea who she was?
265
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:03,363
Hold on.
266
00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:05,432
What kind of shoes was sh...
267
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:06,900
No, Tanya, he's a dude.
268
00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:09,036
He's not going to know what kind
of shoes she was wearing.
269
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:10,303
Actually...
270
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,572
Oh, come on.
271
00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:13,573
Hey!
272
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,242
Ooh!
273
00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:17,344
So what do you want
to do next?
Uh...
274
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:19,312
Don't think. First thing
that comes into your mind.
275
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:21,414
Uh...
276
00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:24,384
Hold... this...
277
00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:25,786
and this...
278
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,355
Whoa!
279
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:30,557
There she goes.
280
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:35,062
Apparently she was
wearing brown shoes...
281
00:11:35,996 --> 00:11:37,965
...with little snowflakes
on them.
282
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:42,335
Yeah, they do sound cute.
283
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:43,403
Any idea
284
00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:44,838
who...?
285
00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:46,373
Okay. Well,
thanks anyway.
286
00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:48,175
Yeah, you take ca...
287
00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:49,309
What's...?
288
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:50,243
Tonight?
289
00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:51,979
Well, I'm shipping out
pretty early,
290
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,914
so I won't be able
to stay over,
291
00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:55,448
but, yeah, sure,
I'd love to.
292
00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:57,885
Okay. I'll talk
to you later.
293
00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:00,520
Sorry, Ted, I won't be able
to make Foxy Boxing tonight.
294
00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:01,654
I understand.
295
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,891
Okay, uh,
let's not lose hope.
296
00:12:03,957 --> 00:12:05,025
We'll call the hotel.
297
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:06,726
Maybe she was staying there.
298
00:12:06,794 --> 00:12:08,328
We'll have them
check the registry
299
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:09,863
for anyone named Victoria.
300
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:11,531
Or maybe she goes
by Vicky or Tori...
301
00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:13,066
Or Ictor.
302
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:17,737
She probably doesn't go
by "Ictor."
303
00:12:19,306 --> 00:12:20,607
No, you know what?
304
00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:21,842
This is fate.
305
00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:23,243
I am never supposed to see
this girl again.
306
00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:24,544
That was the whole point
of the night.
307
00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:26,046
I have just been saved
from myself.
308
00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:27,647
Let's drink many beers.
309
00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:28,916
Agreed.
310
00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:30,750
And I thought
that was the end of it.
311
00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:31,952
But then...
312
00:12:32,019 --> 00:12:34,855
(knocking)
313
00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:38,358
Hey! There's
the anchor lady!
314
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:39,526
Oh!
315
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:40,660
How was it?
316
00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:42,062
Oh, I don't know.
317
00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:43,931
Why don't you ask the new
substitute weekend anchor?
318
00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,598
Robin? Thanks, Robin!
319
00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:48,468
It was awesome.
Back to you, Robin.
320
00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:50,770
Congrats! That's so cool!
321
00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:53,874
Yeah, I felt really bad
bailing on Ted, though.
322
00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:55,909
Oh, don't even worry
about it. In fact...
323
00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:57,710
And then Lily told her
the whole story,
324
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,746
right down to the brown shoes
325
00:12:59,813 --> 00:13:00,848
with the little snowflakes
on them.
326
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:02,115
And by the end of it...
327
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:05,285
What?
328
00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:07,254
I know who she is.
329
00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,197
You know who she is?
330
00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:19,132
But you weren't even
at the wedding.
331
00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:23,070
Actually, I kind of... was.
332
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:24,104
What?
333
00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:27,975
Well, after the newscast,
I was so excited
334
00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:32,045
I decided to surprise Ted
by going to the reception.
335
00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:44,291
(sobs):
Oh, damn it!
336
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:46,093
Oh, stop it!
337
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,061
(door opens)
What the hell!
338
00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:49,997
Hello?
339
00:13:50,063 --> 00:13:51,731
You okay in there?
340
00:13:51,798 --> 00:13:54,034
Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Um...
341
00:13:54,101 --> 00:13:56,703
Just allergies
or something.
342
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:58,271
I'm fine.
343
00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:02,976
Listen, do you...
want to come and cry out here?
344
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:06,313
I've been told
I'm an excellent hugger.
345
00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:07,480
Oh, thanks.
346
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:11,118
Um, but I don't actually
cry in front of people
347
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,921
or... cry at all,
for that matter.
348
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:17,157
Oh, man, it's gross.
349
00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:20,360
Does everyone snot up this much
when they cry?
350
00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:23,796
Hey, you're speaking
to a fellow snotter.
351
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,132
(sobbing chuckle)
352
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,834
So, why are you crying?
353
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:30,803
Because you have feelings
for Ted.
354
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,907
I don't know. Maybe?
355
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:36,376
Okay, what is wrong
with the two of you!
356
00:14:36,443 --> 00:14:38,011
Seriously!
357
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:40,047
He likes you
and you like him.
358
00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:41,448
(stammers):
And j-j-just be together!
359
00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:42,950
Cheese Louise!
360
00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:44,617
Happiness is not
that difficult!
361
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:46,586
Look, okay, yes.
362
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:47,988
I cried in the bathroom
363
00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:49,489
and that... was weird.
364
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,824
but that doesn't mean
I'm in love with the guy.
365
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,193
The fact is,
366
00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:55,295
I-I don't know how I feel.
367
00:14:55,362 --> 00:14:56,496
Yes, you do!
368
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:59,232
Seeing him with someone else
and crying about it?
369
00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:01,168
Guess what?
That's how you feel.
370
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:03,903
That is nothing
but how you feel.
371
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:06,606
Okay, fine.
I have feelings for him.
372
00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:07,640
Happy?
373
00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:10,243
Kinda, yeah.
374
00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:13,246
But it doesn't change anything.
375
00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:15,482
I still don't want
to get married
376
00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:17,817
and he's still... Ted.
377
00:15:17,884 --> 00:15:19,419
What I should do is
378
00:15:19,486 --> 00:15:22,089
just tell him who Victoria is
so he can be happy.
379
00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:24,457
Or you could tell him
that you're into him
380
00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,626
and then you could both
be happy.
381
00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:28,695
I'm going to go find him.
382
00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:32,299
Well, wait.
383
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,501
Which one are you going
to tell him?
384
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:37,770
I have no idea.
385
00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:39,339
And here's the most
amazing part:
386
00:15:39,406 --> 00:15:41,208
because I told her
I'd converted all my money
387
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:44,144
to India dollars,
she gave me 50 bucks
388
00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:45,979
to take a cab
to the airport.
389
00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:48,948
That's right.
I just got paid for sex.
390
00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:50,450
I really should
give this money
391
00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:51,318
to the Peace Corps.
392
00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,653
They've done so much
for me lately.
393
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:54,587
Hi, guys.
394
00:15:54,654 --> 00:15:55,955
Hey.
395
00:15:56,023 --> 00:15:57,857
Um, Ted, can I talk to you
outside for a second?
396
00:15:57,924 --> 00:15:58,858
Yeah, sure.
397
00:15:58,925 --> 00:15:59,926
What's up?
398
00:15:59,993 --> 00:16:01,094
(phone rings)
399
00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:03,230
Um... I, uh, I have
to tell you something.
400
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,731
Oh...
401
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,266
Oh, just get it.
402
00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:08,135
Hello?
403
00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:09,536
Ted? It's Stuart.
404
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:12,405
My lovely bride would like
to say something to you.
405
00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:17,510
(clears throat)
406
00:16:17,577 --> 00:16:18,478
Ted...
407
00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:21,914
I'm sorry I hung up
on you earlier.
408
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,883
My new husband,
409
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,518
and the vodka cranberry,
410
00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:29,156
which cost $10.50
at the freakin' airport bar...
411
00:16:29,222 --> 00:16:31,458
When is this plane
going to board?!
412
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:32,459
Sweet pea?
413
00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:34,761
(clears throat, chuckles)
414
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,196
...have helped me realize
415
00:16:36,263 --> 00:16:40,700
that sometimes I can act
like a crazy person,
416
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:44,971
and I don't want my
new husband to think
I'm a crazy person.
417
00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:47,140
It's fine, Claudia.
Don't worry about it.
418
00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:48,441
(mouths)
Oh, um,
419
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:50,610
Marshall wanted to know
where you guys got that cake.
420
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,212
The cake?
421
00:16:54,081 --> 00:16:55,515
VICTORIA:
Why don't you take this?
422
00:16:57,384 --> 00:16:58,685
Sounds like
you could use it.
423
00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:00,487
Thanks.
(sniffles)
424
00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:01,954
You're very sweet.
425
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,556
So are you a friend
426
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,658
of the bride or groom?
427
00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:07,927
We got it at this little bakery
downtown.
428
00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:09,396
Actually neither.
429
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:11,064
It's called
the Buttercup Bakery.
430
00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:13,500
Pleased to meet you,
Buttercup.
431
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:14,667
I made the cake.
432
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,472
She made the cake.
433
00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:30,383
The Buttercup Bakery.
434
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:32,719
She wasn't on the guest list
because she wasn't a guest.
435
00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:34,554
She made the cake.
436
00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:35,622
She made that cake?
437
00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:38,258
Ted, this is the girl.
438
00:17:38,325 --> 00:17:39,426
You got to marry her.
439
00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:41,928
Today.
She has to move in with us.
440
00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:43,830
I'm going down
to that bakery.
441
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,064
No, no. Don't do it.
442
00:17:45,132 --> 00:17:46,599
Baby, what are you
talking about?!
443
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:48,968
Yeah, all day long you been
busting my apple-bag
444
00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:50,670
about finding this girl.
445
00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:52,405
Well, I-I just think that...
446
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:55,208
that maybe
she's not that into you.
447
00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:58,711
And-and that's why she
didn't give you her number.
448
00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:00,813
Robin?
449
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,416
Care to chime in
with anything?
450
00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:07,320
Yes. Ted...
451
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,058
Go get her.
452
00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:13,393
Going.
453
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,528
Getting.
Ted, oh, my, gosh,
I love this moment.
454
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,230
You know why? 'Cause
I'm going to say it,
455
00:18:17,297 --> 00:18:18,531
and this time, you're
actually going to say yes.
456
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,933
You ready? You ready to
say yes? Ted, suit up.
457
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,169
Yes!
(laughs)
458
00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:24,571
No.
Oh, come on!
459
00:18:25,572 --> 00:18:28,040
Whoa. Guess we were gone
a while.
460
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,609
Oh, that's too bad.
461
00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:31,844
I was looking forward
to one last dance.
462
00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:40,820
(gentle melody plays)
463
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:55,502
Why, yes, I am.
464
00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:58,004
Sorry, I could
tell what you were
just thinking.
465
00:18:58,070 --> 00:18:59,539
Wow, what was
I just thinking?
466
00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:03,075
"Damn, he's looking
mighty fine in that tux."
467
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,344
(laughs)
You got me.
Yeah.
468
00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:05,678
You are good.
Mm.
469
00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:08,281
You know, I don't look
like this every day.
470
00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:11,451
On a real weekend, the real Ted
wears a pair of jeans
471
00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:13,520
and a sweatshirt
with bleach stains on it.
472
00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:17,390
Mm. The real Ted
sounds real sexy.
473
00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:22,295
Too bad I'll never get
to see it.
474
00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:25,232
(gentle melody continues)
475
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,269
Buttercup Bakery.
This is it.
476
00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:30,670
Good luck, dude.
477
00:19:30,737 --> 00:19:32,672
Grab me a cupcake.
478
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:39,178
Ted? You still with us?
479
00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:41,381
(gentle melody continues)
480
00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:53,293
Tell me your last name.
481
00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:58,731
You know there's one little flaw
in our plan.
482
00:19:58,798 --> 00:20:00,500
What's that?
483
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:03,002
I'm going to go home tonight
with a lot of great memories
484
00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:04,704
and one really sucky memory.
485
00:20:04,771 --> 00:20:08,207
The memory of you
walking out that door.
486
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,580
Hey, Ted.
487
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:15,248
Yeah?
488
00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:19,051
Close your eyes...
489
00:20:19,118 --> 00:20:20,987
and count to five.
490
00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:25,658
One...
491
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:27,560
two...
492
00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:29,862
three...
493
00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:33,700
four...
494
00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:36,469
five.
495
00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:46,112
(sighs heavily)
496
00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:48,548
TED:
And to our dying days
497
00:20:48,615 --> 00:20:53,920
we'll remember everything
about that night as perfect.
498
00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:55,288
Maybe we both need that.
499
00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:57,490
I mean, so many things
go wrong in life
500
00:20:57,557 --> 00:20:59,426
but this is the one thing
that never will.
501
00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:02,128
It will always...
502
00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:07,334
always be pure
unadulterated awesome.
503
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,370
And if I walk in there,
I'm robbing both of us...
504
00:21:10,437 --> 00:21:12,905
The meter's running, dude.
Crap or get off the pot.
505
00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:14,907
Yeah, yeah,
I'm going.
506
00:21:38,898 --> 00:21:40,500
Oh, thank God.
507
00:21:42,034 --> 00:21:44,937
* Whenever it's real *
508
00:21:45,004 --> 00:21:47,574
* Whatever awaits. *
35123
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