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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,800
That's my Phallum series.
I think you should exhibit.
2
00:00:02,800 --> 00:00:04,960
I'm going to have an exhibition.
Of what?
3
00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:07,160
Wait, is that our dad?
Yeah.
4
00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:09,080
I wondered if you might be willing
to take a DNA test.
5
00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:10,400
What, now?
6
00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:12,400
Is that a problem?
Looks nothing like me.
7
00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:15,040
Mind you, we haven't had
the results of the DNA test yet,
8
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:16,960
so maybe he isn't my son after all.
9
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,680
Good for PR, though, right?
10
00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:19,800
Wait.
11
00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:34,080
Game Of Scones - Doing Britain On
The Spectrum, A Book By Austin Hogan.
12
00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:40,160
For those who are fans of the English
language in its purest form, well,
13
00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:42,600
England may not be the place for you.
14
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:47,600
For instance, when British people
invite you for a drink, it's not one,
15
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:51,960
it's 50, plus a kebab
and stealing a shopping trolley.
16
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:56,360
And being in a bit of a pickle
means we're all going to die.
17
00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:01,520
Hello, sir. Welcome.
Please take a seat.
18
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,360
Ah. Thank you.
19
00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:05,440
Perfect sometimes means pretty good,
20
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,800
but most of the time
it means horribly inadequate.
21
00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:13,520
When the British describe somebody
as fit,
22
00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:16,440
they don't mean that the person
is in good health.
23
00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,840
They mean the person is stunning.
24
00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:24,440
And also in good health.
25
00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:47,520
Oh, squirrel, I'm so sorry that
I had to bail last night.
26
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,200
Are you OK?
You sound really rough.
27
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:51,920
Yeah, I've been on and off the loo
all morning.
28
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:53,560
You know what,
I have muesli for breakfast now.
29
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,120
Yeah, it's gone through me
like a Lamborghini.
30
00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:58,120
And I had this awful
Piers Morgan anxiety dream.
31
00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:02,680
He was telling everyone that I was
the finest artist of my generation.
32
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:06,080
Mum, imaginary Piers Morgan
has great taste.
33
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:08,400
No, poppet, it was chilling.
34
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,240
Tell me,
is it too late to pull the plug?
35
00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:11,680
Mum,
36
00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:14,240
your paintings have been hung
and they look amazing.
37
00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:16,000
Is there a dialogue between them,
though?
38
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,280
Adjacent paintings are supposed
to have a dialogue between them.
39
00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:20,040
You can't shut them up.
40
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:21,120
It's gonna be brilliant.
41
00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:22,480
Is it though?
Yes. Brilliant.
42
00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:25,200
It's gonna be the best.
Is it? Is it going to be the best?
43
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:27,520
You are the best. It's the best.
Everything is the best.
44
00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:29,600
You know what? You're the best.
You're the absolute...
45
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,680
I'm gonna have to go piss into
the loo again. I love you so much.
46
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,600
I love you, poppet.
I love you so much.
47
00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:52,680
Florence is all over everything
at the gallery.
48
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:56,360
So my paintings are not just
well hung, they are also hung well.
49
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:58,400
Is that a penis joke?
Yeah.
50
00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:01,360
Yeah, because there are lots
of penises in the paintings.
51
00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:02,920
Yeah.
52
00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:06,720
I'm just so nervous.
What if people don't get them?
53
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,800
Or if they do get them,
54
00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:12,840
but they think, "Yeah, she's just
another 10% royal, 100% perv person."
55
00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:14,360
I'm going to have to leave
the country.
56
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,440
Tell me about it.
I know all about lying low.
57
00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,480
Sorry, was I talking about me
briefly?
58
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:22,040
Let's return to talking about you.
So what are your plans for the day?
59
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,520
Dunno. I might call Heidi.
60
00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:26,080
See if anyone wants to buy
that documentary.
61
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:29,640
I've got this really odd
rough patch of skin just here.
62
00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:32,600
What's that part of your arm called?
It's not called muscle, is it?
63
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,400
Upper arm.
Upper arm? Yes.
64
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,840
I've got a rough patch of skin
on my upper arm here,
65
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,600
and I thought I might exfoliate.
66
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:42,800
And then you're going to come
to the private view?
67
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,080
Yes. Yeah, yeah. Then I'm
going to come to the private view.
68
00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:46,800
And you're going to bring Austin?
69
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:49,720
Not necessarily.
70
00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:56,040
Um, he left yesterday. He's, um...
He's gone on an adventure.
71
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:57,920
What?
Mm.
72
00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:00,480
And you're cool with that, are you?
We're certainly fine with that?
73
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,360
That's...that's safe suddenly, is it?
He said he wanted some space.
74
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:07,040
Well, I'm feeling that's a bit
bullshit. He doesn't want space.
75
00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:08,400
He wants you to tell him he's valued.
76
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:10,320
No, he's a literal person.
Doesn't do subtext.
77
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:12,720
He's just seen footage of you saying
that you don't think he's your son
78
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:13,840
because he's nothing like you.
79
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,360
Yeah, and that barely sentient
director should have deleted that
80
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:18,160
instead of jamming it
into the end of the timeline.
81
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,440
But, Julian,
that's completely irrelevant.
82
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:22,600
The point is that Austin saw it.
83
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,000
He's doing this
because he wants your attention.
84
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:29,000
He wants you to acknowledge
that he is very clearly your son.
85
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:32,960
Is that me or you?
86
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:34,360
What?
87
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,480
Oh.
88
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:38,600
Hello?
89
00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:42,280
Austin's phone's been off for a day
and a half now. What's going on?
90
00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:45,880
Yes, yes, he's, uh...
He's gone exploring. He, um...
91
00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,400
He wanted some space.
92
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:48,920
Well, I'm just trying
to get a handle
93
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,960
on how many times a father
can lose his son in a week.
94
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,440
Well, I don't think
this officially counts
95
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,680
as me losing him because
he actually told me he was going.
96
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,400
What? And you just went,
"No worries. Whatever."
97
00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:00,000
"Make sure you turn your phone off
before you go."
98
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,480
He'll be fine. He left a note.
99
00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:02,720
What does it say?
100
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,040
Um... Hang on.
101
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:08,440
Yeah. "That great charmer.
Dirty room."
102
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,000
What does that even mean?
I have absolutely no idea.
103
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,720
But it has a certain joie de vivre,
doesn't it?
104
00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:15,360
Like a young Hemingway
conquering Paris in the 1920s.
105
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:17,080
He's not Hemingway.
106
00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:19,760
You find him, or I'll call
the Daily Mail and I'll tell them
107
00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,320
you're not just a fascist,
108
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:22,400
you're a horrible father.
109
00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:24,240
Go for it.
They'll probably give me a column.
110
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:25,800
I'll call the Guardian then.
111
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:27,920
What? How dare you?
112
00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:30,640
Mel! Mel?
113
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,400
Point of information.
114
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:37,760
If you haven't found Austin,
115
00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:40,320
you probably shouldn't come
to my private view.
116
00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:47,560
"That great charmer. Dirty room."
117
00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:48,920
What?
118
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:08,560
Were you a little perplexed
by the menu, too?
119
00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:10,640
And that's why
you're just having toast?
120
00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:14,480
Mmm... Yeah, I didn't love the sound
of the butt milk pancakes.
121
00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:19,560
I get that, but I still might try the
beef hamburger with sheeps for lunch.
122
00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,320
If you do that,
I'll have the Diet Cock.
123
00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:25,840
Did you read the sign per chance?
124
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:27,640
Uh, sure. But there isn't a queue.
125
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:30,040
A queue is defined as a line
or sequence of people.
126
00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:31,600
But you're just one person.
127
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,040
You and I are a line or sequence
of people.
128
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:36,320
You sure know a lot about English
for an Australian.
129
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:39,560
I'm actually writing a book about
how the English misuse English.
130
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:41,360
Really? And what are your findings?
131
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:43,600
That the English misuse English,
of course.
132
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,240
Right. Like on menus?
133
00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:46,520
And in reality.
134
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:47,760
For instance,
135
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:51,640
when the British say that something's
quite good, they mean it's bad.
136
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:55,000
But when they say that something's
not bad, it's quite good.
137
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:56,920
OK, interesting.
138
00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:58,840
And when the British say
that something is interesting,
139
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:00,800
they think it's nonsense.
140
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,440
No, I genuinely think
it's interesting.
141
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,760
I'm a writer too,
but the journalist kind.
142
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,640
Cool.
Yeah, you'd think so.
143
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:12,520
My job is to scout out celebrities
144
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,720
who stay here after having a fight
with their spouse.
145
00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:17,720
Why do they come here?
Convenience.
146
00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:20,360
Most celebs live in Primrose Hill.
So this is their nearest hotel.
147
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,240
Has David Tennant been here?
148
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:25,200
Oh, I don't know.
I've only been doing this a week.
149
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,320
I eventually want to get a place
on the Westminster round.
150
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:29,080
Oh.
151
00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:30,360
I'm Austin.
152
00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:31,880
Lucy.
153
00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:35,280
Should we split a Scissor salad?
154
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:41,240
OK, so the nude portrait of Edward,
8,000.
155
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:42,360
What?!
156
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,840
Seriously, he's not a compelling
subject. No more than 1,200.
157
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:47,120
He voted leave.
158
00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:48,480
But you're overruled.
159
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:52,280
Um, Geoffrey from next door?
£1,000.
160
00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:54,560
£9,000.
No, no.
161
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:56,960
Wait, Mum, look,
it's a lovely painting.
162
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:57,960
Is it?
163
00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,160
I mean, yeah, it might have been
a bit chilly when you painted it.
164
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,320
I don't think he should be more
than £900.
165
00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:04,040
I passionately disagree.
166
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:05,880
The model's just getting changed.
167
00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:07,320
Model? What model?
What model?
168
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,240
Oh, you said you needed to finish
the painting of Julian,
169
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:11,920
and that you'd rather watch Cats
again than have him sit for you.
170
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:16,400
Which I said as a joke,
because I quite liked Cats.
171
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:17,720
Yeah.
172
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,320
What's the RSVP situation?
Bad. Yeah.
173
00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:21,840
But I'm sure they'll just start,
you know,
174
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,080
floating through this afternoon.
175
00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:25,520
You see, they are crap. And why
are they all different prices?
176
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:28,040
They're all the same size.
Mum. Mum!
177
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,120
They are different prices
because some of them have penises
178
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:31,240
and some of them don't.
179
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:34,040
And, squirrel, are we still living in
a world where that affects the price?
180
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:35,120
Ingrid.
181
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,600
Hi. Hello. Goodness me. Hello.
182
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,680
Huge. Wow.
I'm the model you booked.
183
00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:41,960
Yeah. Goodness me. Wow. Hello.
184
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:44,360
Massive fan of Big Bear. Yeah.
185
00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:49,960
Yeah. OK. Well, I mean that, you
know, it's always so nice to hear.
186
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:50,960
Good.
Yeah.
187
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,800
So when did you get into...
into Big Bear?
188
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:53,880
35.
189
00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:56,000
Ah.
Yeah. They spoke to me.
190
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:57,240
Did they?
Mm.
191
00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:59,040
Well, I mean,
they are really lovely stories.
192
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:01,520
See, I was more into the pictures
than the words.
193
00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:06,800
They reminded me of my childhood
growing up in Australia.
194
00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:09,640
Sorry.
195
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:18,280
Sorry, I don't want to touch,
but, are you alright?
196
00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:19,720
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
197
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:23,240
Yeah, I can... I can be upset
and hot at the same time.
198
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:26,840
I'll see you on the floor.
OK.
199
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:29,080
Yeah.
200
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,520
He's in a lot better shape
than Julian.
201
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:37,200
That's absolutely fine.
202
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:40,160
I'll just...paint from memory.
203
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:45,120
He left midday yesterday
saying he needed space.
204
00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:47,160
OK, call me back in two days
if he hasn't turned up.
205
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:48,160
No, Constable.
206
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,240
I will not be calling you back
in two days if he hasn't shown up,
207
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,600
because in two days
he might be dead.
208
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:52,800
I'm not sure what else I can do.
209
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,560
Well, then maybe I'll find
someone else who can help.
210
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:55,560
Like who?
211
00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:57,600
I don't know, a maverick ex-cop
who's been run out of the force
212
00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,600
because his colleagues
wouldn't take him seriously.
213
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,560
You do that, sir.
Well, maybe I just will.
214
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:02,960
You have a very good day.
No.
215
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,040
You have a very good day.
216
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:37,360
'Dicktwitch'?
217
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:38,400
Hm.
218
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,240
Oh, dear. Is that the best
you can do, knobcreek?
219
00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:50,480
Um...
220
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,080
Come on, come on then.
221
00:10:58,080 --> 00:10:59,280
No, I thought not.
222
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:00,320
Yeah.
223
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,200
Your translations are all spot on.
224
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:04,760
Oh, but if you want to be thorough,
225
00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:07,320
you should have a separate section
focusing on inebriation,
226
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:10,080
because that's really important
to British people.
227
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,960
Could you explain that, please?
228
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,840
Well, when the British want to use
a euphemism for being drunk,
229
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,800
all they do is take a noun,
any noun,
230
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,680
and add 'ed' on the end of it.
231
00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:20,440
Like arseholed,
232
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:26,200
mashed, shitfaced, plastered,
floored, hammered, wasted, zombied,
233
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,320
or my personal favourite, wankered.
234
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,000
'Zombied'...
Pringled.
235
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,720
Oh, there's so many more.
236
00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:37,520
Car-parked. Sloshed. Pyramided.
Titted. Buzzed. Slaughtered.
237
00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:40,200
Wellied. Loaded. Sozzled.
238
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,360
Trousered. Banjoed. Bathtub.
239
00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:45,360
Kennelled. Stewed. Autopsied.
240
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:46,440
Interesting.
241
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:50,440
Boiled. Lashed. Pissed.
Fooked. Angled.
242
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,280
Gutted. Goosed.
243
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,320
Rinsed and shit-arsed.
244
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:56,760
What's the difference
between shitfaced and shit-arsed?
245
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,680
Uh, two beers.
Sounds about right.
246
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:25,080
How many famous people have you seen
who have been kicked out of home?
247
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:27,520
None. I don't know why
this week's the week
248
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,960
every celeb's decided to have
a harmonious relationship.
249
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,480
Do you have KPIs?
250
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,560
My editors know I can't force celebs
251
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:35,960
to have an argument
with their spouse,
252
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,440
but at the same time, I can tell
that they're getting impatient.
253
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,040
I've got a story for you.
254
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:42,120
Do you know Julian Hartswood?
Yeah.
255
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,200
Big Bear guy. Just got cancelled.
256
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:45,800
He's also my dad.
257
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,400
I've run away from home
258
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:50,240
and he's engaged what used to be
known as London Twitter
259
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:51,240
to try and find me.
260
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,840
I don't know if your editors
will like it,
261
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:56,760
but the story is yours
if you want it.
262
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:58,600
Oh, they'd like it.
263
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,720
But I'm fine.
Are you sure?
264
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:03,880
Won't you get in trouble
if you don't give them a story?
265
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:06,800
Someone will get kicked out of home
sooner or later.
266
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:09,320
Maybe we should let your dad know
where you are.
267
00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:11,040
I don't know for certain
that he's my dad.
268
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,280
We never received
our DNA test results,
269
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:15,920
so I've given him a clue
as to where I'm staying.
270
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:19,600
If he's my real dad, he'll find me.
If he's not, he won't.
271
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:22,640
A cryptic DNA test.
Exactly.
272
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,760
Well, we better get back
to the hotel
273
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:26,600
just in case he is your real dad.
274
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:28,760
Very well, then.
275
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:31,480
Don't shoot the messenger,
276
00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:34,360
but "That great charmer"
may refer to Austin,
277
00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:37,920
and the "Dirty room" may refer
to a place of ill repute.
278
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:41,280
He wouldn't go to one of those
places. He's a romantic.
279
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:42,960
Well, he's away from home.
He's a young man.
280
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:45,120
Well, did you go to places
of ill repute when you were his age?
281
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:46,360
I certainly did not.
282
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:48,360
Are you sure?
Yeah, I am sure.
283
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:50,200
Then why would Austin?
284
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:51,560
No, I don't think he would.
285
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:52,800
Good.
286
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:54,800
I don't know why I thought that.
287
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:04,640
Afternoon.
Sir.
288
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:06,960
I don't suppose
Billie Piper's around, is she?
289
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:11,920
I'm not authorised to comment on
the coming and going of our patrons.
290
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:12,960
Right. Yeah.
291
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:14,600
Um, a cup of tea to start with?
292
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:15,600
Uh, yes.
293
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:17,720
If you wouldn't mind getting
a strainer and putting in ginger,
294
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:20,200
cardamom, nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves,
then adding black pepper,
295
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:21,800
black tea leaves,
hot water and hot milk?
296
00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:24,800
So, a chai then?
Yes. Exactly. Yeah.
297
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:41,640
Hi.
298
00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:43,280
Sorry.
299
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:44,840
Uh, uh...Julian Hartswood.
300
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,480
Look, I...
301
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:48,240
I know you.
302
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:51,280
Well, I...I don't...
It's not from your books.
303
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:54,560
I mean, I know you're from
that weird white supremacy stuff.
304
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:55,920
Yes. Yes, exactly.
305
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:57,080
Uh, that's me.
306
00:14:58,120 --> 00:14:59,920
Um, look. Strange question.
307
00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,520
Um, the other day when you were here,
308
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:03,640
I was wondering if you spoke
to a young Australian man.
309
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:08,680
You know, I did. I did.
He... He asked me to be his muse.
310
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:12,200
I said yes, and then I went
and I came back and he'd gone.
311
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:13,960
Right.
OK. Yeah. Because he's gone again.
312
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,880
And I'm a bit worried.
I'm his dad. And, um...
313
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,640
Well, I was wondering
if he'd sought you out
314
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:19,760
because I know he's a big fan.
315
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:22,400
I'm sorry, I just...
I haven't seen him since.
316
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,880
Good.
Sorry.
317
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:28,760
What are you going to do
to get your career back on track?
318
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,320
Well, I thought I might make
a documentary to sort of show me
319
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:33,400
in a more favourable light.
320
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:34,720
That doesn't work.
321
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:37,240
And then I thought about
hiring a defamation lawyer.
322
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,040
Spenny.
Yeah.
323
00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:40,080
It doesn't work.
324
00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:41,320
And then...
325
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:48,320
Well, I suppose if all else fails,
I mean, I could always...apologise.
326
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,760
Yeah, I think that's...that's
the best way that tends to work.
327
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:52,840
No.
Thank you. It's chai.
328
00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:54,160
Oh, it's chai.
329
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:55,720
Chai guy.
Chai guy.
330
00:15:58,720 --> 00:15:59,720
What's that?
331
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:04,240
Oh, that is a note my son left
on the kitchen table
332
00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:06,960
before he walked
out of our lives forever.
333
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,640
I mean, I don't think it means
forever. Look, he's...
334
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:12,200
I actually think he's testing you.
That's...
335
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:13,880
I think that's an anagram.
336
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:15,240
Can I see that?
You know anagrams?
337
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:16,360
Yeah.
338
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,400
Well, I don't see you
coming up with any ideas.
339
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,360
I'm too busy
hosing down your howlers.
340
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:22,840
This is a tough code to crack.
341
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:26,520
That complicated brain of his
has constructed quite a matrix.
342
00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:30,560
Oh, my God.
343
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:33,520
I've got it.
344
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:36,880
So, "that great charmer"
equals Margaret Thatcher.
345
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:39,640
"Dirty room" equals dormitory.
346
00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:42,680
He must be staying at the Margaret
Thatcher dormitory in Primrose Hill.
347
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:43,720
Huh!
348
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:46,040
I've always thought that's the most
terrible name for a hotel.
349
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:47,760
Well, they don't really call it
that anymore.
350
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:49,600
What do they call it now?
The Darth Vader Inn?
351
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:50,600
The MTD.
352
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,720
I mean, everyone knows
what those initials stand for.
353
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,040
Well, I mean, they could stand
for anything. They...
354
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:57,480
People could say, "I'll meet you
at My Toxic Doughnut."
355
00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:00,400
"My Tangerine Dream."
356
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:03,520
"My Tiny Ding-a-ling."
357
00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,440
Actually, you know,
358
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:06,680
I...
359
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:11,160
I once heard someone call it
"My Tremendous Derriere,"
360
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,200
which is...
361
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:17,440
..I mean, unironically represents
a standard of derriere.
362
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:19,000
And that makes...
363
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,800
Brilliant.
364
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:23,640
Oh...
365
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,440
Oh.
366
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:32,840
Are you sure this is it?
367
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:35,680
Because there's a Meg
The Arch-Tartar Dormitory in Ealing.
368
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:36,920
Oh, don't that be like that.
369
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,040
I'm just saying, if you're using
letters to make words,
370
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:40,560
there's plenty more
where that came from.
371
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:41,560
I have to have faith
372
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,400
that my grandson wouldn't stay
at Meg The Arch-Tartar.
373
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:46,080
Ah, but he would go to a place
of ill repute?
374
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,200
Get down, Dad.
Down, down, down, down, down!
375
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,560
Yeah. That is crazy.
376
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,200
Oh, my God.
377
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,480
He's growing up, Mel.
Oh, Dad!
378
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:13,600
Austin.
379
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:20,520
Hi.
380
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,280
When you said you needed space,
uh...
381
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,160
..did you require space
382
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:33,040
or did you require me to say
how much I loved and valued you?
383
00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:35,920
I required space,
384
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:39,800
and I required you to tell me
how much you loved and valued me.
385
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:43,160
Uh...
386
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:48,880
Look, I, uh... I deeply regret
what I said in the documentary.
387
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,960
Uh, my statements
did not reflect my true feelings
388
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,000
and had no basis in fact.
389
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,280
I didn't catch that last bit.
390
00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:59,600
It's a bit of Latin
to show you how serious I am.
391
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:02,560
"The gods take care of injuries
to the gods."
392
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:03,920
So he's saying that you're a god
393
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:06,520
and your fellow gods
are punishing him for his misdoings.
394
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,680
I hope not too much.
Mm-hm.
395
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,400
Uh, this is my friend Lucy.
396
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,120
Lovely to meet you, Lucy.
397
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:14,160
Look, I hate to break up
the tea party,
398
00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:16,240
but I need to get you
to your stepmother's exhibition.
399
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:18,680
Uh, Dad,
would you mind busying yourself
400
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:20,680
so I can properly say goodbye
to Lucy?
401
00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,680
Sure. Yeah, yeah.
402
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,520
Outside.
403
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,760
I really don't want to have to set
any gods onto you.
404
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:31,080
And stay off Twitter.
Yeah.
405
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:33,360
I'm texting. But, yeah, sure.
406
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:39,480
Lucy, I would like your number
so I can organise for you to be paid
407
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,280
for co-writing Game Of Scones,
408
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,240
as it's clearly going to be
a best seller.
409
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:45,720
I don't want a co-writing credit.
Why not?
410
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:49,360
You gave me 10 or 11 lines
that are 15% to 17% funnier
411
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:50,480
than anything I've written.
412
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,960
But I was just riffing
off your idea.
413
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,120
But if that was all a clever mirage
414
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,320
so you could get my number
and ask me out on a date,
415
00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:58,520
then, yeah,
416
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:01,080
you better call me
about that co-writing credit.
417
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:04,000
OK, maybe I will, Lucy.
418
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,440
Hello, everyone. Hi. Hello.
419
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:30,840
I just want to say thank you so much
420
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:34,520
for coming to support the artist
formerly known as my mother.
421
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:06,560
And, yeah,
just wanted to let you know,
422
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,120
if you wanted to buy a painting,
you can't.
423
00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:10,560
They've all been sold!
424
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,560
Yes, apart from the one of my father.
425
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:16,720
Um...
426
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:20,000
Which is fine,
because I want that one.
427
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,960
Oh.
428
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:26,120
I just want to say thank you so much
to all of you
429
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:28,160
for coming to support
my new venture.
430
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,400
Or can I say, my return to form!
431
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:33,240
Yeah. It means so much.
432
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:36,400
Florence,
thank you for believing in me.
433
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:37,920
And Heidi,
434
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,880
thank you for your stuff as well.
435
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:44,000
And...and Julian...? Is Julian here?
436
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:50,240
I know he's not
everyone's cup of tea right now,
437
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:52,480
but, um, I do want to thank Julian.
438
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:56,960
He's been my partner
and he's been my muse.
439
00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:00,160
And one thing
we can all admire about him
440
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,480
is that cancellation
hasn't changed him.
441
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,680
He still has the same sense
of unbridled narcissism
442
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:07,080
and self-importance
he had when he was popular!
443
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:11,000
No. Stop. It's mean. Stop it!
Stop it. It's mean.
444
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,640
Um, yeah, anyway, no,
445
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:14,720
so I did want to say, um,
446
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:17,840
Julian, wherever you are...
447
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:19,320
I'm here.
448
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,840
..thank you
from the bottom of my heart.
449
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:34,160
To Julian.
450
00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:36,360
To Julian.
451
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:49,240
You alright?
Yeah.
452
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:50,640
Where did you go?
453
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:54,320
I have some big news, actually.
Oh, yes?
454
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:55,640
I met a woman.
455
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:02,920
I want to apologise to you
456
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:05,760
if my previous apology
about being a thoughtless arsehole
457
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,080
wasn't, well, apologetic enough.
458
00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:11,080
Well, that's very sweet.
And obviously I forgive you.
459
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:14,000
And I apologise to you if I've...
460
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,400
I don't think I've done
anything wrong, actually.
461
00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:17,400
Right.
462
00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:21,200
I do have to say something
I don't think you're going to like.
463
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:22,480
Oh, no.
Yeah.
464
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,400
Oh, no, no. Chest pains.
No. No.
465
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,640
It's just, like right now,
I'm feeling a little bit, like,
466
00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:31,200
do I want to follow him some more,
467
00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:34,280
or do I want to, you know,
468
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:37,160
finally, at long last,
follow myself?
469
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:38,280
Right.
470
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:42,520
And you'll be staying in the studio
until you figure that out?
471
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:43,520
Yeah.
472
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:48,000
Hey, Mum.
473
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,640
Tell me. Highlights? Lowlights?
474
00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:51,640
Lowlight?
475
00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:53,840
That would have to be
Julian's documentary.
476
00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,120
Zero stars. Would not recommend.
477
00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:59,960
I liked
meeting a journalist called Lucy.
478
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:02,240
Five stars. No notes.
479
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:04,560
Quick question, Mum.
Are you a racist?
480
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:05,960
Of course I'm not a racist.
481
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:08,960
That's a relief,
because Lucy is a person of colour.
482
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,600
Lucy is stunning.
483
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:11,800
How do you know that?
484
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:13,400
Did Dad send you a photo of her?
485
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:15,000
No, sweetheart...
486
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:19,840
Any woman you like is going to be
beautiful inside and out.
487
00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:23,960
Thanks, Mum. I really wish
you were here. London is amazing.
488
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:26,080
Well, I hope to get back there
one day.
489
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:28,680
I really hope so too, Mum. Love you.
490
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:31,320
I love you too. Bye, love.
491
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:32,800
The kid'll be fine.
492
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:35,000
Time to let him have a crack
on his own.
493
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,080
He can look after himself, can't he?
Yeah.
494
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:40,360
And that's all because of you.
495
00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:44,440
Alright, Dad.
496
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:52,880
There you go. I've upgraded you
to premium on points.
497
00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:54,440
Do I get an eye mask?
498
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:58,200
Yep. And an orange juice
or a champagne upon boarding.
499
00:24:58,200 --> 00:24:59,520
Whoo!
500
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:01,080
But don't get too excited
501
00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:03,720
or people will know that you've
never travelled premium before,
502
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:04,800
and it'll be embarrassing.
503
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:05,840
Oh, really, Dad?
504
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:07,120
You think I'm going to lose my shit
505
00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:09,040
over an orange juice
and an eye mask?
506
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:10,320
Maybe not.
507
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:14,200
But the extra leg room
might push you over the edge.
508
00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:20,600
I got it. You're good, Dad.
509
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:30,200
Is this mine?
I believe it is, Dad.
510
00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:34,160
Just so you know, Dad,
511
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:37,280
I don't think we really need
the results of the DNA test,
512
00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:42,080
because you unlocking the anagram
tells me that you're my real father.
513
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:45,200
That's, um...
It's very sweet of you to say that.
514
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:48,760
Um, the thing is,
I did unlock the anagram
515
00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:52,000
after someone pointed out to me
that it was an anagram.
516
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:53,160
Who pointed it out?
517
00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:54,880
Uh, I can't remember her name now.
518
00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:58,200
Uh, hangs out at the Chamberlain
Tea Room. Billie something?
519
00:25:58,200 --> 00:25:59,360
Billie Piper?!
520
00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:02,240
Yeah. She says hello, and, uh...
Oh, yeah. That you bailed on her.
521
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:03,280
She bailed on me.
522
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:04,760
Now, that's a fine way
to treat your muse.
523
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:06,720
She told me
that would be our secret.
524
00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:08,000
Um, oh, you should also know
525
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,600
that I've decided to withdraw
the documentary from the market.
526
00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:13,440
But wasn't the documentary
your path to redemption?
527
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:16,120
Yolanda and I never really were
on the same page.
528
00:26:16,120 --> 00:26:18,400
Um, but it doesn't matter,
because I'm changing career.
529
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:19,840
I'm going into publishing.
530
00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:21,200
Mmm!
Yeah.
531
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:26,320
I have, uh, found a book that
I quite like by an emerging writer.
532
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:28,400
I mean, it's a little bit rough
around the edges,
533
00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:31,880
but, uh, it's got a very refreshing
and distinctive voice,
534
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:33,360
so, uh...
535
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:36,760
..so we'll see how that goes.
536
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:03,600
Alright, Dad, I'm off to bed.
537
00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:06,160
Goodnight.
538
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,120
# Big Bear
sometimes follows the king
539
00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:44,960
# Yeah, Big Bear
can do most anything
540
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:50,680
# Big bear, he's blue and he's brave
541
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:55,040
# Big bear,
he ought to have a parade
542
00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:57,080
# But Big Bear doesn't want a fuss
543
00:27:57,080 --> 00:27:59,760
# He's just a big blue bear
doing what he must
544
00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:04,040
# Big Bear is blue and he's brave
545
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:06,360
# Big Bear, he's blue and he's...
546
00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:08,800
All together.
# Brave! #
547
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:10,280
Boring!
548
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:11,400
Whoo!
549
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:12,560
I wrote the song.
550
00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:14,480
I did the pictures.
Who liked the pictures?
551
00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:16,840
Captions by Red Bee Media
552
00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:18,640
Copyright
Australian Broadcasting Corporation
42200
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