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1
00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:02,120
You're in Great Britain now,
2
00:00:02,160 --> 00:00:04,120
and what we do is say,
"God save the King."
3
00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:05,200
God save the King.
4
00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:06,880
Ooh, I think I'm having
separation anxiety.
5
00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:09,480
I've been toying with the idea
of doing a book about a cuckoo.
6
00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:10,880
Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo!
7
00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:12,760
I'm not using
a flipping ghost-writer.
8
00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:14,760
Sean's more of
a creative facilitator.
9
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:16,520
It says ghost-writer right there.
10
00:00:16,560 --> 00:00:18,040
So tell him your cuckoo idea.
11
00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:20,200
See if he's got any others
that are worth exploring.
12
00:00:20,240 --> 00:00:22,400
I'm going to meet with
a creative facilitator,
13
00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:24,960
and I'd quite like to sleep
in the studio.
14
00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:44,240
Julian.
Monica!
15
00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:47,280
Sorry to have kept you!
16
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:48,960
Digestive?
No, thank you.
17
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,160
Oh. Hang on. Are they the ones
with dark chocolate?
18
00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:54,000
Milk chocolate.
Ee! Ee! Ee!
19
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:56,800
I wanted to give you a few days
to get over your jet lag
20
00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:58,040
before we brought you in.
21
00:00:58,080 --> 00:00:59,200
Uh-oh.
22
00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:02,200
You know we're appreciative
of everything you've brought
23
00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:04,200
to Stone and Crow
over the past 20 years.
24
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:06,480
But it's with a heavy heart...
25
00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:07,560
No, not a heavy heart.
26
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:10,360
It's with a heavy heart
that we terminate our association
27
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:11,920
with you and Big Bear.
28
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:13,680
No can do!
I have a watertight contract.
29
00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:16,160
Clause 23 B of
that watertight contract
30
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:20,520
refers to reputational damage being
grounds for instant termination.
31
00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:21,760
What kind of world is it
32
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:23,920
where a single mistake
can lead to a loss of livelihood?
33
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,480
The real world.
That's callous.
34
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:27,640
In fairness, I did say
it was with a heavy heart.
35
00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:29,800
You know, I've just become a father
for a second time
36
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,200
to a child with special needs.
37
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:32,760
We are thrilled for you.
38
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:36,720
But that child is 28 and completely
capable of looking after himself.
39
00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:02,720
But no, you can't buy them back
40
00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:04,280
because the books
have our logo on it,
41
00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:06,560
and we don't want to be
associated with fascism.
42
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:07,640
You know what?
43
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:09,240
Fine.
44
00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:12,520
I've despaired of this
publishing house for some time,
45
00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:15,600
with your ghost writers
and your collabs
46
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:19,640
and your comedians
who "write" children's books.
47
00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:21,480
I'm the last of
the true professionals.
48
00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:22,800
No wonder I'm out.
49
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:52,480
Still not sure secretly
coming to London is a good idea.
50
00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:54,400
I just need to keep an eye on him.
51
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:55,840
It's a bit like stalking.
52
00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:57,280
It is not.
53
00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,320
Austin won't even know we're here.
54
00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,160
I think that's the definition
of stalking.
55
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:10,480
You look nice.
56
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:13,040
So do you.
57
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,800
Is the, uh...is the toothpaste
part of the look?
58
00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:17,840
No, I'm just going to
Sean's studio.
59
00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:19,680
He's going to pitch me
some story ideas.
60
00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:21,600
Yes! Good.
Yeah. What is the process for Sean?
61
00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:22,760
I mean, he writes the book,
62
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,920
and then you pretend to the public
that you wrote it?
63
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,000
That's ghosting!
64
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,360
Yeah, in which case, I was wondering
why you didn't ask me
65
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:29,920
if I ghostwrite your book.
66
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,840
Because you've been cancelled.
67
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,800
Yeah, but no-one would know
I was involved, would they?
68
00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:37,360
'Cause I'd be the ghost-writer.
69
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,800
But the publishers would know.
And they've just cut ties with me.
70
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,640
Yeah, I thought you might
know about that.
71
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:44,160
Yeah, well, they said that they
wanted to tell you themselves
72
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,320
and in the spirit of us
no longer telling each other
73
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,080
really quite important stuff,
I thought I'd let them.
74
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:50,040
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
No, that's right.
75
00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:53,280
I'm really pleased they're putting
so much effort into your career.
76
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:55,920
Even if it is with Shifty Sean.
77
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,000
Shifty Sean?
78
00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:58,840
Yeah, we call him
that because he loves alliteration.
79
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:00,400
Shifty Sean writes like shit.
80
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:02,440
Sorry, who calls him that?
Literary types.
81
00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:06,480
Do you mean you?
82
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:08,600
Yeah. Brilliant. OK, I'm off.
83
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:10,600
A quick question.
Yep.
84
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:12,040
Um...
85
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,280
When are you returning
to the marital bed?
86
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,280
'Cause I really don't sleep well
when you're not there.
87
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,720
Well, it's only been a few days.
You'll get used to it.
88
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,320
I don't want to get used to it.
89
00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:24,920
Julian, you have to allow me
some time to process the fact
90
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,520
that you fathered a child
with another woman
91
00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:28,520
while we were together,
and then destroyed the thing
92
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,080
that creatively
sustained us for 25 years.
93
00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:32,880
And you snore.
94
00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:34,600
I don't snore.
You do. You snore!
95
00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:36,560
It's a terrible, terrible sound.
96
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:37,920
In Australia,
I was listening to you.
97
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,480
I was like,
"I ought to record that."
98
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:41,440
I thought, "I won't do that.
That would be mean."
99
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:42,680
And I thought, "Actually, hang on,
100
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,840
"he fathered a child with another
woman while we were together,
101
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:46,480
"and then went on
to destroy the thing
102
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:47,880
"that creatively sustained us
for 25 years.
103
00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:50,200
"Maybe I will."
And I did, and listen to it.
104
00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:52,160
You sound like a pickerel frog
105
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:55,160
who's been dragged around
inside an antique wardrobe.
106
00:04:57,520 --> 00:04:58,720
And then...
107
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:05,000
No, no, that's not me snoring.
You've done that on GarageBand.
108
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:06,400
That is you.
109
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,240
And then...
"Why is Big Bear wearing shoes?
110
00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:11,120
"I specifically said
no footwear or corduroy."
111
00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:12,200
That's intrusive.
112
00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:15,240
And FYI, I would never put
Big Bear in corduroy.
113
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:17,440
I can't be held responsible
for my subconscious.
114
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:20,080
I don't even know who that guy is.
He probably supports Arsenal.
115
00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:23,760
I'm going.
Hey!
116
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,040
Hey!
117
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,040
Well...
118
00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:34,520
Good luck with
your fancy ghost-writer.
119
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:37,440
And, really, good luck with...
120
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:39,400
..your stuff.
121
00:05:58,800 --> 00:05:59,880
Are you crying, Dad?
122
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,360
No, no. I'm just doing
a little bit of face yoga.
123
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,480
9 out of 10 doctors agree
that it really helps
124
00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:07,320
to temper the pain of losing
everything you care about.
125
00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:09,360
Well, I'm still here.
126
00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:12,440
Yes, yes, of course you are. Sorry.
127
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:13,760
And, um...
128
00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:16,680
..that means a lot, obviously.
129
00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:23,800
I'm trying to think of a fun way
130
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,360
to segue out of
this awkward moment.
131
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:26,680
Um...
132
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:29,920
I'll just walk off.
133
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:37,760
What time is it
in Canberra right now?
134
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:40,160
Don't fret about Nibbles.
The neighbours will feed him.
135
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,440
Do I look like I'm fretting?
136
00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:44,400
Having some time away will actually
help you wrestle some power back
137
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:45,560
into your relationship.
138
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:47,080
We have equal power.
139
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:48,840
No you don't, Dad.
140
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:50,640
You treat him like a king.
141
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,080
You're always blowing smoke
up his arse.
142
00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:57,480
What does blowing smoke
up your arse even mean?
143
00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:58,880
How did it become a thing?
144
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:00,360
It's not the point.
145
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:02,800
I reckon it'd be
an unpleasant experience
146
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:05,360
for both the blower and the blowee.
147
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,360
But the book will still be out,
right?
148
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,880
No, no.
It's being pulped right now.
149
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,960
Publisher wants to rid itself
of any connection with me.
150
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,360
Pulped?
Yeah.
151
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:16,640
The books will be shredded,
152
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:18,320
then chemicals and water
will be added,
153
00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:20,640
turning it into baby wipes
and toilet paper.
154
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:22,120
We can't let that happen.
155
00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:23,800
It's happening.
156
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:27,760
Book will be shredded
in the morning, then, um, yeah,
157
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:30,600
people will be wiping themselves
with it by the middle of next week.
158
00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:31,720
Right!
159
00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:34,720
We need to save
the remaining books.
160
00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:36,520
Do you happen to know
any booksellers
161
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:37,960
that'd be willing to sell them?
162
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,200
Well...
163
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:41,800
There are one or two independent
booksellers that owe me a favour,
164
00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:44,240
but, uh, we'd have to get them
out of the warehouse first.
165
00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:47,400
I mean, I wouldn't know how
to do that without breaking in.
166
00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:49,800
No-one's breaking into anything.
167
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,960
And, uh, don't say
anything provocative.
168
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,480
Don't worry. I'm actually quite good
with the working class.
169
00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:58,480
I mean, Ingrid's posh, but I'm more
sort of lower middle, middle middle.
170
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,720
You know, my grandfather worked
in the Welsh coal mines.
171
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:02,280
He was a graphic artist.
172
00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:03,640
He used to paint the danger signs.
173
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:05,880
I mean, I'm not one of those
Eton-educated wankers
174
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,680
that's trying to take away
their beloved NHS.
175
00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,120
Although I do believe
that the market
176
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,320
is a fair distributor of
economic reward.
177
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,120
Ooh, I should text Yolanda.
178
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,960
Tell her we're about to do
something embarrassing.
179
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,200
She'll love that.
180
00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:24,360
Get down! Down!
181
00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:27,200
Um, yeah. This way.
182
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:55,080
Is this a Toyota SAS 18
three-wheeler, I see?
183
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:56,240
It is, yeah.
184
00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:59,240
The Toyota three-wheeler is
a magnificent piece of machinery,
185
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:03,360
but the Komatsu 20 BX50 Hysters
are probably my favourite.
186
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,520
You know your stuff
for a safety guy.
187
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:07,720
Most of you jokers know nothing
about the machines
188
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:10,160
you're trying to protect us from.
189
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:12,440
And what's your favourite
forklift, then, sir?
190
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:17,280
I, um, sort of like
all forklifts, mate.
191
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:21,000
Um, I don't think they should be
discriminated against
192
00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:24,560
on the basis of wheel count or
whether or not they're hipsters.
193
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:25,880
Hysters.
Precisely.
194
00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:28,240
Um, I don't suppose you could
point us in the direction
195
00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:29,800
of the Julian Hartswood books.
196
00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:31,080
Oh, not here.
197
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:36,040
This here, from that pylon to
the wall, is all Sally Rooney.
198
00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:38,520
What? Strike a light!
199
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:40,320
Yeah, she's very popular.
200
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:43,480
You might want to try zone two
for, uh, Julian Larwood.
201
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:44,560
Hartswood.
202
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:47,040
Thank you very much.
203
00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:49,920
For today's purposes, you don't
care enough about Julian Hartswood
204
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,040
to correct anyone's pronunciation
of his name.
205
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,120
I'm playing the character
of a safety inspector
206
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:55,960
who's a very big fan of
Julian Hartswood.
207
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:59,160
Well, I'd be very keen to see
the data on Julian Hartswood fans
208
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:00,880
in the safety inspector community.
209
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:02,280
Oi!
210
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:06,080
That's the wrong way.
211
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:07,360
Follow me.
212
00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:18,400
This is, uh, miscellaneous
and, uh, emerging.
213
00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:24,600
And, uh...uh, books by racists
being pulped is right here.
214
00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,680
Thank you for your help.
No worries.
215
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:28,840
We close in 10. Be sharp.
216
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,320
Sure.
217
00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:32,320
Two sides to every story, Taffy.
218
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:34,640
Clowns.
219
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:36,520
Aye-yi-yi.
220
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:38,320
A year's work reduced to this.
221
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:39,680
A year?
222
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:42,280
It's, like, 32 pages long, right?
223
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:46,040
And it takes you 11 days
just to write one page?
224
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,800
Yeah, well, writing is rewriting.
225
00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:49,440
But this page just says "splat".
226
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:52,120
Well, it takes a lot of craft
to distil a complex idea
227
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:53,760
into a single onomatopoeic word.
228
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:55,800
More than half of these pages
just say "splat".
229
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:58,040
Yeah, we're here to save the books,
OK? Not review them.
230
00:10:58,080 --> 00:10:59,440
Why don't you start packing
them away?
231
00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:01,000
We just need to bribe
a forklift driver
232
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,000
to get all the books
out to the delivery bay.
233
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:04,080
Bribe them? How much?
234
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:05,360
Whatever's missing from
your wallet.
235
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:06,560
What?
236
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,040
Austin!
It's not stealing.
237
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,880
It's just forward planning.
238
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:13,760
Why, I oughta.
239
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,520
Oughta what?
Never mind.
240
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:17,640
Whatever.
241
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,800
Ooh. Uh, yeah. Hello, darling.
It's me.
242
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:29,920
I'm with Austin, and we're at
218 Hornsey Road, Tufnell Park.
243
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:32,120
I need you to whizz over here
in Tiggy.
244
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:33,920
It'll all make sense
when you get here.
245
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,480
That's assuming
you haven't run off
246
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,280
to the south of France with Sean.
247
00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:38,920
I'm joking.
248
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:42,440
As if you'd run off with Britain's
champion of the exhaustive simile.
249
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:44,400
Yeah, we get it, Sean.
250
00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:46,120
Things are like other things.
251
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:50,360
But seriously, don't run off to
the south of France with Sean.
252
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,720
Um, anyway, as I say, 218...
253
00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:56,320
Timed out.
254
00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:58,360
Well, let's hope she gets that
in time.
255
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,920
Dad, I feel like I bring a lot
of bad luck into your life.
256
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:04,520
What?
257
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:05,840
No, mate!
Come on.
258
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,440
Well, I hate to be a contrarian,
but I think I do.
259
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,560
Things have been on
a downward spiral for you
260
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:13,280
ever since I first showed up,
namely your marriage.
261
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:14,480
Well, that's not your fault.
262
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,320
Then why do I feel responsible?
263
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,120
I don't know.
264
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:22,360
That's what I thought.
265
00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,400
I'm gonna go get some crackers
from the vending machine.
266
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,560
Austin, don't be like that.
267
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,680
I'm not sure when I'll be back.
268
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:30,960
Austin!
269
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:33,800
Austin!
270
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,720
Could you get me
some barbecue hoops?
271
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,560
Now, before we start, tell me,
272
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:44,440
would you prefer
the Dutch porcelain look
273
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:48,120
or something a little more leopard,
chains and diamonds?
274
00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:50,880
Oh...
275
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:53,480
No, um, you know, both are lovely.
276
00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:55,520
This is really about
what makes you feel comfortable.
277
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:57,280
You're the one
that has to look at me.
278
00:12:57,320 --> 00:12:58,480
Ah.
279
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:01,120
Oh, the Dutch...Dutch pot.
280
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:02,600
If I can say that.
Thank God.
281
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:03,760
Great. Yeah. Lovely.
282
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:05,760
I've already changed
three times today.
283
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,760
So, this is where
the magic happens.
284
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,200
Please make yourself
feel comfortable.
285
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,120
Yeah. Great.
286
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:14,600
My word, what was that?
287
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:15,840
The call of a pelican
288
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:17,920
at a temperature of
25 degrees centigrade
289
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:20,280
creates the optimal condition
for creativity.
290
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:24,160
I thought people were using
brown noise now.
291
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:26,800
Nobody really works
with brown noise anymore.
292
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:27,880
No?
293
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,160
I'm trying to think of when
that was last cool.
294
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,760
Maybe when I had a Walkman.
295
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:32,880
Yeah.
296
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:36,360
But we can put on
brown noise if you like.
297
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,400
No, no, no. No, no. No. No.
Great.
298
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:41,080
I...I want to be maximum now.
299
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:43,400
Excellent.
300
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:47,640
Now, Heidi told me
about your cuckoo idea.
301
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:49,400
Yeah, yeah.
302
00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,960
I'm, like, so obsessed with the idea
of doing a book about a cuckoo.
303
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,080
Well, I think a cuckoo
is a duplicitous bird
304
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:57,160
and therefore
an unworthy protagonist.
305
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:00,000
Can you generalise like that?
306
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,200
I mean, surely there are
some decent cuckoos.
307
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:04,080
No, I think you'll find
all cuckoos are bad.
308
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:10,960
So, I've been collating a few ideas
as starting points for the book.
309
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:12,760
Ring the bell,
if any take your fancy.
310
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:14,800
OK, I can't see a bell.
Imaginary.
311
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:16,960
OK.
312
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,640
Tinkle, tinkle.
313
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,080
Sounds weird.
314
00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:23,120
What is the most maligned
animal in the animal kingdom?
315
00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:24,920
The shark.
The shark.
316
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,640
I'd argue it's the toad.
317
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:28,640
The toad? Do you think?
318
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,600
Do people really
slag toads off a lot?
319
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:31,800
I mean, how many human deaths
320
00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:33,120
are toads responsible for
every year?
321
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:35,880
Do you mind if we just pretend
it's the toad for the time being?
322
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:37,240
Yeah. Alright.
Yeah, whatever you want.
323
00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:40,480
Well, this is a story about a toad
who's backed into a corner,
324
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,760
commits a crime,
and finds himself in prison.
325
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:47,840
Like Wind In The Willows
by Kenneth Grahame?
326
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:49,120
I don't know.
327
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:51,480
I've never read Wind In
The Willows by Kenneth Grahame.
328
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:53,240
I thought of this independently.
329
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:56,480
Well, yeah.
330
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,600
What about a story of a sad kid
331
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:00,600
who finds solace
in a giant piece of fruit
332
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:01,920
growing in his back garden?
333
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:04,120
James And The Giant Peach
by Roald Dahl.
334
00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:05,400
What?
335
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,000
I thought of that independently!
336
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,600
OK, OK.
337
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:12,280
This one's actually
my favourite idea.
338
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:14,840
A little prince.
339
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:16,720
The Petit Prince by
Antoine de Saint-Exupery.
340
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:19,000
That is an all-time
children's classic.
341
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:20,200
What?
342
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:22,280
I thought of that independently.
Independently.
343
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:25,120
Are you taking the piss out of me?
Because that is not very nice.
344
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:26,200
No!
345
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,160
Sorry. Do you mind if I...
346
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,280
No, please.
..take this?
347
00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,320
Can I go...? Yeah.
348
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,720
Hello? Austin?
Are you alright?
349
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:39,080
Hello, stepmother.
350
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:42,040
It's come to my attention
that ever since meeting you,
351
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:45,080
your marriage to Julian
has gone from bad to worse.
352
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:47,560
Oh.
353
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:50,040
Oh, Austin.
354
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:54,840
Well, you know, we are going
through a minor rough patch,
355
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:57,280
but there's really nothing
for you to worry about.
356
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:58,960
See, I believe
there's a correlation
357
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,680
between that rough patch
and me coming into your lives.
358
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:07,040
These problems were there
long before we met you, Austin.
359
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,280
But I'm the one
who brought them to the surface.
360
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:13,200
And...that is good.
361
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:14,760
You know?
362
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:16,400
The truth sets you free.
363
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:19,160
And first, it does tend to
make you miserable.
364
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:21,880
I want to thank you for everything
you've done for me,
365
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:23,960
but I don't like seeing
you guys fight,
366
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:27,160
so I think I'm going to
take my leave.
367
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:28,760
Goodbye, stepmother.
368
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:31,280
No... Austin. Austin.
369
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:35,760
Austin!
370
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:37,640
Everyone's gone home.
371
00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,320
I think you can come out now!
372
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:41,320
Austin!
373
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,240
Sean?
374
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:55,520
There you are.
375
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:03,720
Hey, Sean, this has been just
such an adventure,
376
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:07,800
but, um, I'm afraid I really
don't think it's going to work.
377
00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:08,880
Oh.
378
00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:11,120
Sorry.
Uh...
379
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:13,760
OK, um, just...
just out of interest...
380
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:16,160
..what turned you off?
381
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,720
Was it the...the ideas
or the shirts?
382
00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:20,080
Yeah.
383
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,280
Quite bigoted about cuckoos.
384
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:25,360
OK, look...
385
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:29,440
..a cuckoo stole my Gameboy
when I was a kid,
386
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:30,880
and I never got over it.
387
00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:34,680
Sorry for your loss, but maybe
it's time to forgive the cuckoo.
388
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,480
Don't think the pelicans
are helping.
389
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:41,720
That's just an eagle
attacking the pelicans.
390
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:42,920
It's OK.
391
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:46,920
I've, um, misplaced Austin.
Yes, I know.
392
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,480
You know that he believes that he's
the reason we're not getting on.
393
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:50,840
I told him it's not his fault.
394
00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:52,120
Well, the message
isn't getting through.
395
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,400
What did you say?
I said, "It's not your fault."
396
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,600
So you didn't get to the bit
where you told him
397
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,760
that you could have saved Big Bear
if only you'd apologised,
398
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:00,120
but you elected not to?
399
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,240
Austin!
400
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,320
Oh, shit.
You're such an idiot.
401
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:05,560
You're an idiot.
402
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:11,400
Toothbrush, toothpaste, earplugs,
moisturiser and an eye mask.
403
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:14,040
And they give it all to you
in a little zip-up bag.
404
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:16,160
You do realise I travelled
economy, don't you?
405
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:17,400
Yeah, I do.
406
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:19,400
Well, don't you think telling me
all the wonderful things
407
00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:22,200
that happened to you in premium
economy is a bit insensitive?
408
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:24,320
Well, I just thought
you might like to know
409
00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:25,720
what happens in premium.
410
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:27,920
Incentivise you to save money
for next time.
411
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,080
How much extra did you pay
for premium economy?
412
00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:31,960
Please, we just call it premium.
413
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:33,200
How much, Dad?
414
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:35,520
1,500 bucks.
415
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:38,400
What else did you get?
Leg room.
416
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:40,240
You have extremely short legs.
417
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:41,640
What else? Anything else?
418
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:44,720
Cabin crew were very nice to me.
They were very nice to me as well.
419
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:48,360
So, basically, you paid $1,500
for some toiletries.
420
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:50,600
Jeez, these stakeouts
take a long time, don't they?
421
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:54,040
Yeah, especially when you find out
premium economy is basically economy
422
00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:55,720
with a complimentary eye mask.
423
00:18:56,760 --> 00:19:00,280
Are we sure this is the only exit?
Yeah. No. I don't know.
424
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:01,360
Hey.
425
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:03,480
Look.
426
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,080
Austin, it's Julian.
Hello, Austin.
427
00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:11,160
Calling Austin Hogan.
This is Ingrid speaking.
428
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:15,640
I'm with Julian, and we just wanted
to make it crystal clear
429
00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:18,000
that any turbulence that
we've been experiencing
430
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:22,160
in our relationship is one million
percent nothing to do with you.
431
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,800
Just because Julian's
not a very nice person,
432
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,280
that is not your responsibility.
433
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:29,760
Hi, Austin.
434
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:31,800
Um, what Ingrid said, uh,
except for the bit
435
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:34,360
about me not being a nice person,
'cause I am a nice person.
436
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,760
I've just done some
not so nice things.
437
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,880
But as Julian always says,
action is character.
438
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:41,760
And Julian's actions
have been the actions
439
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:43,200
of a not very nice character.
440
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:46,320
And even if he did do some
nice things at the beginning,
441
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:50,560
they have been cancelled out by
his not very nice actions of now,
442
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:51,800
which I understand.
443
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:54,480
Austin, Ingrid and I are going
to have to agree to disagree,
444
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:58,160
but all this is to say
that this isn't your fault, mate.
445
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:03,800
And if you want to find us, we are
waiting in the loading dock foyer
446
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:06,080
on the east wing of the building.
447
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:16,640
Where'd you get those?
448
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:19,000
Oh, I got them in the...
they were in the medical box.
449
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:20,720
Only packet.
Can I have one?
450
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,440
I'm feeling a bit no.
451
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,400
No.
452
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:29,840
Please?
I said no.
453
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,560
Give us a crisp.
I said no.
454
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,400
I've had a really long
and trying day. No.
455
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:37,000
Raiders are up 32-12 against Manly!
456
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:39,760
Why do your mates
call you poker eyes?
457
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:45,880
Well, when I started at ASIO, staff
were tested to see how susceptible
458
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,920
they were to giving away
secrets under interrogation.
459
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,440
And you crumbled straight away.
460
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:52,440
The contrary. They got nothing.
461
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,800
They'd look into my eyes and it was
just like I'd had a cup of tea,
462
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,240
hence the name Poker Eyes.
463
00:20:58,280 --> 00:20:59,320
Alright, then.
464
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:02,480
Look into my eyes,
465
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:07,200
and if you can tell me what
I'm thinking, I'll give you £5.
466
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,600
You're wondering if the Raiders
will give Ricky Stuart
467
00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:13,200
another three year deal.
468
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:16,360
Hang on. Maybe I wasn't
in character.
469
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,280
Let's do it again from the top.
470
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:23,360
You're thinking, "When I get home
to the hotel,
471
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:26,200
"I'm going to order room service
spaghetti bolognese."
472
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:32,760
OK, hear me out.
473
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,200
We lean into the whole
Twitter controversy,
474
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,920
turn Big Bear into an adult series
475
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,480
that we can then turn
into premium television.
476
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:41,280
OK.
477
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,040
Breaking Big Bear.
478
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:46,440
Game Of Bears.
479
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:47,760
Big Little Bears.
480
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:49,680
Battlebear Galactica.
481
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,240
Or we could do a feature.
482
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:52,400
Bearback Mountain.
483
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:53,640
Bear Witch Project.
484
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:54,880
A Bear Is Born.
485
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:56,680
Who's going to play Big Bear,
though?
486
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,440
Benicio del Toro?
Or Antonio Banderas?
487
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,000
Are you Big Bear?
488
00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:03,640
I am Big Bear.
Are you?
489
00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:04,840
No, I am not.
490
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,520
Or we pivot into
the non-binary space.
491
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:09,600
Tilda Swinton.
492
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,520
Please get into
the nonbinary space.
493
00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:15,520
You and Joanne Rowling
should write a book together.
494
00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:17,760
What, are you saying that's not
my space? What's my space?
495
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:20,800
Your space is more of the
old cis white man
496
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,240
getting run out of the business
space.
497
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:24,440
You're really good at that.
Oh, right. And what's your space?
498
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:28,280
The, uh, what I lack in talent,
I make up for in snark space?
499
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:29,520
Ouch.
500
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:32,800
Austin, please come out.
501
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:35,360
Your father genuinely needs you.
502
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:39,240
Changing the subject for a moment.
Yeah. Please.
503
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:41,160
Do you or do you not agree
504
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:43,960
that a cuckoo is a completely
amazing protagonist
505
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,200
for a picture book?
506
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:47,520
Honestly?
507
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:49,440
Yeah.
508
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:52,160
Yeah, that could work.
Yeah.
509
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,400
Mummy cuckoo doesn't want to
look after her egg.
510
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,280
I mean, for legitimate reasons.
No judgement.
511
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:58,800
So she drops it off
in a warbler's nest,
512
00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:01,800
and it's the story of
a young cuckoos journey
513
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,160
to try and discover
his genetic family,
514
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:07,680
only to discover
the place he really belongs...
515
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,400
Is in a family of warblers.
516
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,080
You're annoyingly good at that.
517
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:16,280
OK, here's the plan.
518
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:17,960
I'm going to do one last sweep,
519
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:20,040
you back Tiggy up
to the loading bay doors.
520
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:22,920
I'm going to grab a few copies
for family and friends.
521
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:25,760
If Austin's not here
by the time we load it up,
522
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:27,160
we call missing persons.
523
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:28,240
Gotcha.
524
00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:35,360
I thought you said
you only had one packet.
525
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:36,840
Oh, well, that was a lie.
526
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,120
You're getting this, aren't you?
527
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:39,640
Oh, I'm getting everything.
528
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:47,880
Where are the rest?
529
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:49,520
Too heavy!
You're a weakling.
530
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:50,840
No sign of Austin?
531
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:53,600
Do you reckon he's still here?
532
00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:55,600
I mean,
surely he's got out somehow.
533
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,080
Yeah. We better call him.
534
00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:02,120
Hi! Austin! We're off now!
535
00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:03,440
Ingrid's brought some fresh bread,
536
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:05,160
and we're going to make
some chocolate spread
537
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:06,720
and mustard sandwiches.
538
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:10,320
And then take in
a Doctor Who marathon.
539
00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:12,000
The Tennant and Piper years.
540
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:17,960
And, Austin...
541
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:19,360
..we love you.
542
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:49,240
Open the boot! Open the boot!
543
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:50,480
Austin?
544
00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:53,960
Austin!
545
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:58,800
Austin, you genius! You genius!
546
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:02,040
You clever, clever, clever man!
547
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,640
Let's do this!
We have to move!
548
00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:06,320
You didn't get that
from your father.
549
00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:07,560
No.
550
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:12,120
OK, let me just...
Oh, guys. Come on!
551
00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:15,640
Even my mother can lift better
than you guys!
552
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,480
Should I just go give him
a little cuddle?
553
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:25,440
Under no circumstances.
554
00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:27,120
Alright, poker eyes.
555
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:30,800
Let's get you back to the hotel
so you can call Canberra
556
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:32,680
and check on how Nibbles is going.
557
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:51,360
Does separate bedrooms mean
558
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:54,160
no creative workshops
outside office hours?
559
00:25:56,280 --> 00:26:01,400
I think no creative workshops
outside office hours until...
560
00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:03,840
..we work out what direction
561
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:08,640
we want our
out of office hours to take.
562
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:13,600
Good night, Austin.
563
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:14,880
It's good to have you back.
564
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:16,280
Good night, Stepmother.
565
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:26,360
Creative workshops outside
office hours means sex, right?
566
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:27,720
Yes, mate. Yeah.
567
00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:30,040
Sounds about right.
568
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:47,960
It's a pleasure to meet you,
Florence. My half sister.
569
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:49,840
I actually stink.
Yes.
570
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:52,360
It's my Phantom series.
I think you should exhibit.
571
00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:55,400
Wait, is that our dad?
Yeah.
572
00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:57,400
What is going on with
this documentary screening?
573
00:26:57,440 --> 00:26:59,640
How promising is a rough cut?
It's really promising.
574
00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:00,920
What could possibly go wrong?
575
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,520
Welcome to my film.
576
00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:07,120
Oh, my God.
577
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:14,040
Captions by Red Bee Media
578
00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:15,920
Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation
43222
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