All language subtitles for Hoard.2023.ORG

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[Womal murdered my mother, ya
see.

Our very own catalogue of love
killed her.

Listen here, it use to take me
longer to remember Mother's voice,

like the stairs of our house
when we would go on holiday.

But I can smell us, I can hear
her again.

See, I've been following
her scent for a while now.

It were never gone, ya see,
just lost a little.

But the grief finally came
and took me, and I let it.

But she's found herself in
things.

So, I finally realised now
how unconditional it was,

That thing we did was always the
thing that recorded our lives, love,

and that without it, nothing
existed.

I promise you, I will be
catching the past in a net

my mother meshes,
and memories like fishes.

The longer we went without
each little thing we collected,

we worried the love
would trickle and dry out.

I'm feeling woozy now.

You'll feel it too... soon,
I promise you that.

Maria, for the net.

Look, these.

Do you know what, girl? I reckon
we have found a full set here.

I suggest you take yourself home
to your mother, Billy Jones.

It's late.

You.

Maria, get out.

Ello, Pearly Pearl.

How's your day?

Ello, there, my little Rhubarb.

How was school?

- Good.
- Yeah? Let's 'ave a look at ya lunchbox.

Cor, girl, look at all this.

You know what we can do
with these, don't ya?

- What?
- We can put 'em in the oven,

we dry 'em out in slices,
like they do on Blue Peter,

and then we can use them as
decorations.

Where's ya tin?

Don't know.

What do you mean,
you don't know where it is?

Oh, Maria, didn't you bring it
home?

I told you, you bring everything
home.

I told you you needed
to bring the tin home, didn't I?

Christ's sake.

Make a wish, then, sausage.

God, them poor vegetarians,
can you imagine?

- Mum?
- What?

- Can I have a tree?
- Eat one of your trees.

I'm 'aving peas.

You have trees. I have peas.

Dig into ya pyramids n'all,
girl.

Them wishes only come true
if you gobble that all up.

Nice?

Red sky at night, shepherds'
delight.

Red sky in the morning,
shepherds' warning.

Mum, Mum.

Mum, wake up.

Mum.

Where's my PE kit?

Oi, oi.

Come 'ere a second. Sit down.

Right.

Now, I want you to remember,

that if any of them 'orrible
little kids start on you today,

And you shut your eyes, and you
say it as loudly as you can say it, right?

Once upon a time,
a bird shit on the line,

the monkey chewed tobacco
and a little piggy ran

with a finger up his bum
to see what was the matter.

That's it, good girl, 'ave a
bite.

Yes! Together?

Once upon a time,
a bird shit on the line...

Christmas dinner's next Tuesday,

so you've only got until tomorrow
to get your tickets on the register.

Get ready for PE.

Now, please.

Maria,

why aren't you putting on your
PE kit?

I couldn't find it, Miss.

What do you mean
you couldn't find it?

You know what you have to do.

Wear lost property, or do
it in your knickers and vest.

So stupid!

Stupid PE kit! No PE kit!
Stupid!

No... PE... kit!

- Hello.
- Oi, Rhubarb,

What's all that about?

Where's Pearl?
I haven't seen her in days.

I don't know, babe, but she'll
turn up, 'cause she always does.

Listen to me, why are you
home early from school?

- What's happened?
- Why do we have this?

And this? And this?

I go 'round other people's
houses,

- and they don't look like this!
- Maria, stop it!

That's not very nice,
the way you're being.

It's because of you, all of
this. It's because of your rhyme.

And it's because no PE kit
again.

- They took the piss again!
- You've got a roof over your 'ead

and you've got everything
that you could possibly need.

Oh, do I? I'd like a mum that
irons my clothes all the time.

Oh, would you? You want
your clothes ironed all the time?

All right, okay.

I can iron your clothes. I do
do my best, you know, Maria,

but I work full-time as well,
right?

Take your jumper off, then, and you
can have it ironed, if it means that much.

No.

What? You will.

Take it off.
If it means that much to you,

take it off your back now,
and I'll iron it.

Take it off. Take it off.

Take it off, because you
wanted it off, so take it off.

Let go. Maria, let go.

Let go of it. Let go of it now.

Let go, 'cause you wanted it
ironed, so we will iron it, all right?

We'll iron it if,
it means that much to ya.

If that means more to you,
then that's what we'll do.

I'm ashamed of us.

I hate what we are.

All right.

Well, should we just stop it
all, then?

- No!
- Should we?

- Mum, I didn't mean it.
- Yes, you did.

- I didn't.
- Yes, you did mean it, don't you lie!

- You did mean it.
- I didn't mean it.

Nasty, nasty little girl.

- No, I didn't mean it!
- Where's your lunchbox?

Maria...

Maria, where's your lunchbox?

Where's your peels and your
wrappers and your tin balls? Where is it?

Maria, where is it?
Where did you put it?

Where is it?

What have you done?
What have you done?

What have you done?
Where have you put it all?!

- Maria, where have you put it?
- What have you done?!

Mum, is it... Pearl?

Is it Pearl?

Mum, is it Pearl?

Rat King.

Maria!

They're
just jealous of our love, Maria.

That's it.

'Ere we go.

Lucozade.

I didn't mean it, Mum.

I just wanted to make you upset.

I love how we live.
I love our catalogue of love.

Never, ever, ever change it.

- Promise?
- Never.

- I love you, Rhubarb.
- I love you, Custard.

Look how pretty you are.

Look at your lovely big
eyelashes.

I don't think
you should go to school today.

I think you might be too poorly.

What's that?!

What's that?! Oh, God!
Oh, quick, quick, quick!

I think they can see us.
Quick, quick! What is it?!

Stay still. Stay still, Maria!
Stay still 'cause they can see us.

Maria they can see us!

They're here,
they're there, they're there.

They're coming for ya.

They're coming for you,
and they're gonna get you.

Oompa...

Loompa...

stick it up ya jumper!

You wiggly worm!

I'll make you squirm!

And when it's time for bed...

I'll talk and I'll talk

until you wish

you were dead!

How about I make you and Pearl
some breakfast then, girl? Yeah?

Cor,
what's she look like on there?

I think Blue Peter's
lost its mind, you know.

Right...

...hot or cold?

- In this room?
- Yeah, in this room.

Hot or cold. Stand up.

Ooh, she's hot. She's hot.

Shewarm!

Ooh, she's getting cold.

She's getting cold.

No... she's cold.

She's cold.

Now she's really warm.

Now she's really, really, really
warm.

She's really
hot. She's getting hotter.

She's getting hotter.

Close your eyes.

All right, open 'em.

Ah!

This is for you, for our love.

For our never-ending catalogue
of love.

Took me all year to collect
all of this on the streets,

to fill up this jar.

Do you like it? Yeah?

Let's 'ave a look.

Open it up and give it a whiff.

What does that smell like to
you?

- Magic!
- Magic! It smells like magic!

Magic, magic, magic!

Gimme this one.

Oh, now she looks pretty.

Oh!

You got a green one on ya.

Right on ya nose.
Right on ya lil nose.

But wait... what did we forget?

Quick.

'Old on.

'Cause...

...one more.

Wait there.

Chocolate coins
for my little magpie

'cause I know you love 'em.

You save them till later, all
right?

You don't be a little piglet.
You don't be a little piglet.

You don't be a little piglet.
You don't be a little piglet!

She loves 'em, don't she?!

Oh, it's snowin'.

It's snowin', it's snowin' on
her!

It's snowin' on her!

- It's not furry.
- It's not furry. Is it slimy?

- Uh, sort of.
- Has it got...

Sort-of slimy.
How can you be sort-of slimy?

- You're either slimy...
- Well, it is slimy.

Is it green?

- No.
- Is it yellow?

- Yes.
- Is it yellow?

- Is it stripey?
- Yes.

- Is it a tiger?
- Yes!

And without spring, honey.

- [Mothels it real?
- Yes.

Is it slimy?

No! What the heck?!
This is nowhere near slimy.

Is it furry?

You think
we need some snow spray?

Yeah.

- Mum, what am I havin' for Christmas?
- Ah, you'll have to wait and see, girl.

Where were you today, missy?

Mrs Norwood, innit?

Yeah?

Well, my Maria won't be
coming back to your poxy school.

Especially not to be bullied
by children as cruel as you

who do not seem to understand
how talented,

unique and stupendous
my daughter truly is.

See...

I've 'eard all about you.

Open your mouth.

Teeth like bombed 'ouses.
I shoulda known.

Now, I suggest you move out of
my way

before I make the bottom row
look like tombstones n'all.

And I hope Santa brings
you a new set, Mrs Norwood.

And I'll make you a better set
outta white plasticine, all right?

Merry cunting Christmas, Mrs
Norwood.

Now, shall we get the bits
for the prawn cocktail, me lady?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Give us a kiss, then.

Get me some salt as well, babe.

Just a little bit.

God, this always happens
when someone riles me up.

Sprinkle a bit in.

That's it.

Ah! Bollocks.

And I've dropped me needle now.

Oh, where's that gone?

- Mum?
- Yeah.

Please can I get some sweets
from the corner shop?

It's a bit late, babe, and we just
bought a load of afters, ain't we?

Please, Mum?

Give us me purse, then.

You know, yous two have got
the same name on purpose - Maria.

'Cause when you was in my belly,

I read this over and over and
over again.

Right.

Here, get me a pack of needles,
so I can finish this.

And so we can sew the
turkey's bum up nice and tight.

Before you go...

there's somethin' for you
over there on the piano.

Go and have a look.

Open it up.

Magnificent.

Show me.

- Love you, Rhubarb.
- Love you, Custard.

Got my change, girl?

What you up to, you little
conniver?

I'm gonna name you...

Salt and Vinegary.

And you, little one,
I'm gonna name you Chip Butty.

You're so cute. I love
you, I love you, I love you.

Mwah. Aw... so cute!

- Mum?
- Maria!

Mum?

Mum? Mum?

Maria...

Mum?

Maria...

Rem... Rememb...

Remember our...

Remember our catalogue of love.

Maria, darling.
I've come to see if you're all right.

When's my mum coming back?

Oh, darlin', I don't know.

I can't answer that, darlin'.
I don't know.

Poor, poor girl.
Ain't fit to be a mother.

Maria!

- Don't you dare say that about my mum!
- Maria!

- No, no, no. Sorry, young lady.
- Don't you dare!

Now, listen.
You can't come in, darlin'.

I'm sorry, we're going to have to
take you down to the station, all right?

Come on, darlin'.

Come on, darlin'. Good girl.

There's a good girl. Come on,
then.

Come with me?

Come on. There's a good girl.

Good girl. Come on, darlin'.

Come on, over here.

Maria, the hospital are taking the
best care of your mother right now.

I'll come and visit you
tomorrow,

but this is where
you'll be staying tonight,

with this lovely lady, Michelle.

She looks after children like
yourself.

I do this
with other kids, you see.

Their mums need a little break.

They just need a hand.

I'm the hand.

Do you understand, Maria?

You're gonna be stayin'
with Michelle for a while.

Is that okay?

I've decided I wanna donate me
organs.

Well, don't be coming to me when
you don't have eyes in your next life.

Eyes aren't organs. I can't
believe you're getting funny

- over this hypothetical thing.
- No, I'm dead serious, Maria.

My mother always used to say
that to me.

Who were you on the phone to
late last night?

- Kept me up.
- Should've done these last night.

Oh, yeah, that's what I wanted
to tell you about.

Do you remember I told you about
Michael?

The young lad that used to live with
me couple of years before you came?

He's coming to stay for a bit.

He's waiting for his housing
stuff to get sorted out.

Gonna be
coming on the 8th of August.

Yes, I've just bleeding told
you that, you ain't you listening.

PE kit.

It's ironed in the living room,
hanging up.

- Your PE kit's down there.
- Right.

So, he's gonna be kipping here
for a few weeks.

Right.

He's coming this evening.

So, try not to be out too late,
yeah?

Also, sorry,
I know it's a bit last-minute,

but could you hoover the
downstairs?

Mum, shoes?

- Clear up the living room a little.
- Shoes?

I dunno where ya bleeding shoes
are, do I?

Tidy up the living room, would you,
a bit, please, before he gets here?

Right.

Oh, also, heard about this man
dressing up as an old lady.

He's been breaking into gaffs 'round
here, raping women, old and young,

so, please,
come home with Laraib tonight.

Keep ya wits about you.

Anything looks dodgy,
go into the telephone box,

or knock on Janice next door.

Can you not go on the stairs
with your shoes on?

How many times
have I got to keep telling you?

Can't believe how bleeding long
you've been living in my house.

Might have to start
charging you upkeepance.

- Love ya.
- Love ya.

- I'll see you later.
- Forgot my PE kit.

Who's the woman coming, then?

- Morning, Janice.
- All right, poppet.

Oh, you look nice!

Last day at school, yeah?

Yeah, thanks.
Don't forget your milk again.

Oh...

- It's a yes-or-no question.
- It's really not.

- I'm asking you!
- Um, yes. Yes. I would say yes.

Wait, wait, wait, turn around.

- What's that say, Maria?
- Give it a rest.

Ah, mate! Who would've thought that
trip in year eight, orienteering, would...

- All right! Noot-noot!
- Wait, wait, wait.

Babes, how you got
the least amount of goodbyes?

Look, you're clearly
the only bonfire here.

Bonfire!

What's Kadeeja saying about
Saturday?

Oh, she said that,
what is it, pub's going off,

and...

...Pete can give us a lift.

- Did you hear about Beth Garvey?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Year eight, got fingered with a test
tube in the science block, didn't she?

I heard it was a Cadbury's Chomp
in the common room.

Mm-mm! Deffo science block.

Why, what would you rather -
Cadbury's or test tube?

- Cadbury's.
- Reason being?

"Reason being?" Why do I
need a reason? It's just a feeling.

Yeah, but he got it from me.

What, he was your first sexual
awakening? Winnie the Pooh?

Yeah.

What was yours?

- Looks like Simply Red!
- Yes.

- Simply Red lookalike!
- Yes, yes!

That's what I was thinking.
When did you see him?

- Do you think he's fit?
- Oh, do you think he's fit?

- What, Simply Red?
- Yeah.

- I guess I'd not really thought about it.
- You not?

What if Michelle's home and we
reek of it?

She's gonna see my eyes. She's
gonna be, like, "You look like a raisin."

- A raisin?!
- I feel like a raisin.

Well, lucky for you...
I've got Impulse, innit?

Turn around, babe.

Look at that.

Perfect.

Smelling nice, ladies!

- Piss off, Pete.
- Oh, don't be like that.

Look, I'm gonna
get a lift home with this one.

- What, with this nonce?
- Oi!

Cheeky bastard. I'm 27.

- Yeah, exactly, this is bad.
- Maria he's harmless, he's harmless.

He could be the granny rapist!

Yeah, but it's not just grannies. I
promised we'd walk back together.

Look at him. He's harmless, look.
We're gonna go 'round the block...

Michelle told me
about this man dressing up...

Michelle knew someone
who died from an ingrown hair

- and got a decapitated arm.
- But she did, though, I swear!

Look, I'm gonna go
'round the block a couple times.

I promise, I'll ring you
when I get back, okay?

Look, be back soon.

Dickhead.

Hello.

Can you take my shoes off,
please,

and throw them down there
before you do anything to me?

- Do you have to rape me here?
- Do what?

I'll have to walk past
these stairs every day.

Could you take me to the garden
at least?

Maria, what you doing?
Get off the stairs.

Better not have gone on them
with your muddy shoes.

Oh, Michael. Give us a hand
with the shopping, will ya?

This is Sam and her girls,
do you remember?

All right, love.
Oh, you've grown, ain't ya?

- Girls.
- Girls give him a hand, too, please.

- Give us a chance.
- Calm down.

State of her and the price of
chips.

Fish, not chips, Elle, you div.

I fostered Michael
for a few months,

'round six years before
codswallop upstairs came here.

- How old are you now?
- I'm nearly 30 now.

Oh, it's just gone by, ain't it?

- I remember how little you were.
- Yeah.

You must have been 12 when I had
ya, Michael. About 5 months, I think.

But you I couldn't keep.
Had to let go, didn't I?

- 'Cause your lovely brother wanted ya.
- Yeah, no, he took me in.

Tight squeeze.

But he's, uh, moving abroad now.

He's got a family of his own, so
he's...

Yeah, I'm gonna move in
close by here, I think.

- Because?
- I'm moving in with my girlfriend.

She's a bit more than that,
don't undersell her.

Right, that's yours, Sam.

I've put all your bits in
that bag, and the girls, too.

Oh, right. Fucking 'ell!

How'd I raise 'em like that?
Champagne taste, beer money.

Burn a hole in my pocket, you
lot!

Michelle, do you mind if I have a
shower? Don't wanna stink your house out.

Oh, don't be silly. Yeah, yeah.

Um, just give us a second, I'll
stick the heating on. Go on, go up.

You know where it all is.
Towels on the banisters.

- It's good to see ya.
- Mm-hm.

Proper lovely, ain't he?
Aw, butter wouldn't melt.

Nice bit of crumpet, too.

Behave!

- That's bad luck.
- Mind your own.

Do you mind?

Suppose.

That's a great big smile.

Big as Christmas, that.

That nice?

What've you got?

Anyway, so, I just thought,
when's she gonna take it off?

- S'cuse me?
- Say please.

Please.

Very polite.

Yeah.

- Still whiffs a bit, though.
- All right, girls?

- You all right, Michael?
- Good day?

Bleeding awful.
Got a ladder in my tights, look.

Ah. Hate it when that happens.

So, you'll be seeing a lot more
of us.

Maria's like getting blood out
of a stone.

Dull as dishwater,
ain't ya, Maria?

Oh, I'm not being funny
as well, Maria,

but you stink of bobby orange.

Like when was the last time
you washed, girl?

I could smell ya as you walked
in. You reek, girl, Jesus Christ.

Nah, it's probably me
working with rubbish all day.

Um, nah. Since school's ended,
you've really let yourself go, Maria.

Whoa.

What?

It's true, look at her.

Got any mates feeling philanthropic
this bank holiday, Michael?

Cause I've got two sisters who look like
dog-ends on my sofa who need a date.

- Piss off!
- So spiteful.

I don't know what she can do with a
pair of scissors, you know what I mean?

- I'd probably be worried...
- Argh!

- All right.
- All right. Laraib, right?

Who's this berk?

Sam?

You're gonna get pissed as a
newt tonight.

I could jump through your hoop.

- Could you?
- Yeah.

How long are your arms?

Longer than mine.

- I'm long-limbed.
- Right.

This orange number?

- I'm feeling like...
- This yellow one.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- You still wear this?
- Nah!

Sometimes. Fuck off, it's comfy.

- Oh, darling, don't you do this.
- More glamorous.

- More glamorous than I?
- Way more money.

- More money than me.
- More experience.

- More experience!
- More life wisdom.

- Oh, you're killing me!
- Oh! It's the heat.

- I'd do anything for you.
- I know you would.

'Cause I would do the
same for you, cheeky plonker.

Would you eat my shit?

- Fuck, no. No!
- Yes, you would!

If it was life or death,
would you eat my shit?

Mate, I am dying
before I eat any of your turds.

Will the slipper fit its
princess?

- Love that film.
- Look at her.

- Gorgeous.
- Gorgeous.

You're gorgeous.
Look at all this fucking hair!

Thought you said this was live.

I thought you said this
is where fascination happens.

- Give it a couple hours, please, please.
- Laraibs! It's dead.

Argh! Couple hours, a bit more.

- You're lying. What do you take me for?
- It's not my fault, it's not my fault.

- Who's that?
- He looks funny, don't he?

Fucking hell.

I'm not sure about this.
You're gonna get caught.

The only way I'm
gonna get caught is if you tell him.

And look, I'm not really
gonna get with him, am I?

Look at the state of him.
Also, I'm saving myself.

And this is juice, not alcohol.
What's wrong about that?

It's an establishment for all!

How're my birds?

- You got a cigarette?
- I do have a cigarette for you.

- You wanna give it here?
- Do you want a cigarette?

She doesn't smoke.

Mm-mm.

Go on.

- You done?
- Mm-mm.

It's too much.
There we go, well done.

- Busy in here, innit, eh?
- Yeah, well busy.

- Busy on my pager, too.
- Ah, popular guy!

What we got here?

Yeah... Oh!

Vibrations.

Here we go.

Fucking hell! Me eyes look
like two piss-holes in the sky.

What I do for you.

Got something for you, though.
Might make up for it a little bit.

Ba-ba-ba!

Calvin Klein, the latest.

Cor, smells well nice!
Did he buy you that?

He's good for something.

You're drunk, you liar.
Yes, you are!

Orange juice with bits.

- Fancy a dance?
- Raving with the dead.

- Yeah.
- Go on, then.

Let's go.

Are you from 'round here?

Only live 'round the corner.

You sound well posh.

Yeah, is that a good thing?

Depends.

Depends on what?

Oh, that was shit!

I feel like you're letting me
win. I feel like this is on purpose.

You're good, aren't you?

Do you do this a lot?
Fleece guys at snooker?

Shut up, Chislehurst boy!

Oh, that was shocking!

That was so...

Fucking 'ell!

- It's my first time.
- What were you saying?

All big and clever.

I ain't gonna be your bit of
rough.

You make me really nervous, you
know that?

- Do I?
- Yeah.

You don't make me nervous.

How does thmake you feel?

Uh...

Like I need another drink.

Can you hear that?

It's your go.

It's your go.

Can I...
Can I stay here tonight, please?

Can you get Michelle to call my
mum?

Maria, make me bread and water,
please.

Promise.

Crack the egg.

I was a crack baby.

That's how I ended up here with
Michelle.

In and out of places.

Sorry.

One good turn...

deserves another.

Oi.

What ya playing at?

Mum, can you call Laraib's dad,
please,

- let them know she's here?
- Again?

My God, Maria.

You piss like a horse.

Uh-huh.

- You know how you get milk?
- How?

They drill holes in your cows,
and they come out like that.

- Oh, do they?
- Uh-huh.

You know what?
They do worse to women.

Worse to women? Worse than cows?

Hard on top soggy on bottom,
just the way I like it.

Oh, I know that's how you like
it.

- Oh, my God!
- Open the door!

Open the door!

Where is she?

Where is she?

- Really? Really?
- What?

Enough of this bullshit.
Move, move, move. Out.

Michelle rang to say I was here,
didn't she?

Janice? Who the fuck is Janice?
What, you? You?! Fucking nosy Parker!

- Just move.
- What did I do?!

- Really?
- Love you lots, my lady.

Come on, move.

- What the fuck are you looking at?
- Hi, how are you?

Just get inside and shut up.

'Orrible.

Fuck sake! Sod's law.

Oh, shit, it's my A-level
certificates. I gotta sign, right?

Does Maria Strepp live here?
Daughter of... Cynthia Strepp?

Once, yeah. That is me.

I'm, uh...

sorry for your loss.

Bit late, mate. Surely you don't
hold on to those for this long.

It's been over ten years.

Miss Strepp, we only
deliver recently deceased.

So, she would have died
sometime in the last... two weeks?

Sorry for your loss.

I'm delivering Broomfield now.

You wanna put some witch
hazel on that. Works wonders.

I'm on a timer, you see, love.
So sorry again.

So, you're the woman, huh?

Do you want a bit?

Dad's sending me away. Um,
he's sending me away for good.

And I... And I don't know
when I'm coming back.

- What do you mean?
- He's sending me away...

What do you mean, going away?
To... To Kurdistan?

I can't go there, no-one can. But
I don't know where I'm being sent.

And... And I'm getting back
for an exorcism.

And they... they said
I'm not coming back, and...

And he found out about
everything, Maria.

He found out about the pub,
he found out about Pete,

And Kadeeja just stood there. Just
stood there, and didn't say anything.

We're supposed to grow old
together. What do you mean?

- We can't!
- You're not going away!

We can't.

He said I'm going away for good.

Birmingham tonight, and then I
don't know where the next day, but...

but it's over, and...

I can't. I'm not coming back,
I'm not coming back.

Maria.

Open the door!

I wouldn't even mind, look, I
didn't even do anything with him.

- You know I didn't do anything with him.
- I know, I'll tell him.

- Wallahi, I didn't!
- I'll tell 'em all, I promise.

Be good for me, yeah?

Michelle said she'll be 'ome
later tonight.

She's workin' overtime.

Oi. You deaf or summin'?

Stupid.

Why do you always look at me
like I'm gonna turn into stone?

Hello?

I'm out on a late.
I got a double shift.

- Got ya lunch?
- Think so.

- Got ya keys?
- Yeah.

You just woke up?

The 'ouse has a stitch.

Let's let it breathe, then.

- So, when you leaving?
- Why?

- Can't wait to see the back of me?
- Give it a rest!

Couple weeks. Just tryna get into this
one 'ouse. Seems to be taking forever.

It's always when you
don't want somethin' it's easier.

Oh, is it, yeah?

You're very, uh...

well-read, aren't ya?

Am I? You're not.

You fire a
lotta shots, don't ya?

Ain't worth the bullet.

I wouldn't piss on you
if you were on fire.

Oi. Don't be like that.

By hook, by crook.

Oompa Loompa,
stick it up your jumper.

...stick it up your jumper.

...I'll make you squirm!

You wiggly worm, I'll make you squirm.

And when it's time for bed,

I'll talk and talk
until you wish you were dead!

Oompa Loompa!
Stick it up your jumper!

You little worm, I'll make you
squirm!

...wish you were dead!

...I'll talk and talk
until you wish you were dead!

Maria.

Maria. Maria, they're coming.
Maria, let's go.

Maria!

Oi, who do you think
you are? Get off my garden!

What do you think you're doing
here? I'm 'avin the law on you!

You little tea leaves!
Get off her! Get out of here!

Goose it!

What do you think you are,
a fucking bullfighter?!

Get off my garden!

- Hang about.
- Your missus is 'ere.

A looker, Michael.
Well out of your league.

- Yeah.
- Or just take it easy.

Oh, here he is.

- Hiya.
- Hiya, how you doing?

Yeah, good, yeah.

So, yeah, we're thinking
of painting the walls yellow.

Yellow? Bit sickly, innit?
No, it's in, and...

We don't know what it is yet.

- Aw!
- Yeah.

Old school!

Sun's nice, innit?

Can't believe
it's gonna piss down in an hour.

Well, it never goes up, does it?

You're so weird.
She's off her trolley, mate.

Grab Maria, will ya? I got
some clothes the girls don't want.

See if she fancies 'em.

- Maria? Come down 'ere a minute?
- One sec!

- Ooh, that's nice.
- Yeah, I think she'd love 'em.

Hi, what you think of
these, Maria?

So?

Oh, look, this is
Leah, Michael's girlfriend.

I just realised all three of you
got names beginning with M.

- Nice to meet ya.
- How strange.

Give us a hug.

Aw.

Right,
let's get you home, shall we?

You need some early nights.

- "We", you mean.
- "We."

Look at the state of it.

The state of it.

Oh, Michael, did she get home
okay?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah. Oh, she's lovely.

Yeah.

Michael, if you was on Blind
Date,

what would your statement be?

"Michael from South East London
will take you and ya bins out."

Behave, girls!

Oh.

Look at that one.

I'm gonna be a dad.

S'pose.

I dunno, it just happened so
fast.

That's what she said.

Div.

I gotta cut some of the
pensioners' hair tomorrow.

- Oh, yeah, great.
- There's some pastry in the fridge.

- We can stick it in the microwave, yeah?
- Night!

- Thank you, bye! Bye.
- See you tomorrow.

Don't put that straight back in the
fridge, will ya? 'Cause we'll all get ill.

I remember when you both turned
up here.

Little rapscallions.

Right...'night.

'Night, Michelle.

Red sky at night...

shepherd's delight.

What have you done, Maria?

Rat King.

What did you just say?

I didn't say anything.

I'm mad about ya.

I mean it.

You're the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

'Ave over, Paul Weller.

Boo!

Berk!

Why are you home?

- Huh?
- Why are you home?

Oh, uh, well, I felt a bit
poorly.

So, I thought we could
spend a day together.

Well, I've got stuff to do.

- Oh, you got stuff to do?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, like what?
- Mind ya own.

Mind... All right.

It's part of it.

You're joking.

You're pulling my leg.

Do you make me right, though?

Don't be daft.

We can't do that.

I want you to press it here like
before.

Before?

Yes, yes, yes!

You're a funny little biscuit.

- We gotta get you to the hospital.
- It's a bruise, that's all.

Just take ya shorts off, all
right?

And get ya waist in.

Why aren't you at work?

Went to meet you for lunch,
the boys said you didn't even call.

They all thought I was 'avin
the baby, absolute numbskulls.

Honestly, they think
a baby takes six months.

Full of sh...

I was quite sick in the night, babe.
Don't want you and the baby to get it.

Right, well, why didn't you
call me and let me know?

And why is your shirt wet?

I was having a bath.

- 'Ere? That's a bit weird.
- Nah, no-one's in.

I just, uh... Listen, I
really don't feel well.

- Well, can I come in, then?
- Nah, it's best if ya...

best if ya don't, I think.

- All right, you can just fuck off.
- No, Leah, Leah, Leah...

- Here's your lunch too, silly bollocks.
- Don't be like that.

What are you playing at?

I can smell a memory.

We've gotta put some Savlon on
it.

Right? It's not?

Not yet.

Come here.

You all right, love?

Oh, that's charming.

Can I help ya?

Is it a present?

In fact, it is.
For my daughter for Christmas.

What's your name?
Come sit next to me.

Can I have it for sumfin'?

Well... never know ya luck.

If it's good enough.

Risk it for a biscuit,
that's what they say.

You ought to ask Santa buy
you a new pair of drawers, love.

I can see your skid marks!

I wish you well to use it!

Piss-head.

She ain't all there,
your mate, is she, Mike?

A few sandwiches short of a
loaf, boy!

Good job ya never spunked
in that one, son!

- Hey-hey!
- Piss off!

Maria, what is that?

Maria, where did you get that?!

Even your own shit can blind ya.

Hang on, I'm
asking you where did you get it?

It's not for you!

- I thought we did this together.
- Yeah, well, even worms turn.

What are you on about?
Have you taken something?

Where there's no sense,
there's no feelin', is there?

Pudding 'ead!

Get off!

Get off! Get off me! Get off!

Get off! Leave me be! Leave me
be!

- Leave me be!
- I'm trying to play!

I'm fed up of you
trying to conduct what's in me.

Get lost!

A green-eyed monster's not a
good look for you, you know that?

You know, you can be real
fucking nasty, do you know that?

- Oi, no need for that.
- You can piss of an' all!

Nasty man.

Hello? You in?

Fuck's sake, what's that smell?

Ooh, it's boilin' in 'ere.

Did Michael say
he's staying at Leah's tonight?

Why is the heating on?

- What the hell? What's this?
- What?

- What do you mean, "what"?
- Dunno what that is, Mum.

Well, take a butchers.
Bleedin' reeks in there!

Is this you or Michael?

Well, I best 'ave a word
with him when he gets in.

Take 'em to the bin outside,
will ya?

What is it?

Is this a joke?

What's that face for?

Grumpy cow.

There's
shit all on the skirtin'.

Looks like crusty mince
everywhere.

You not noticed?
I never noticed.

It's fucking sweatin' in 'ere.

I suppose I'll have to pay
for that an' all.

Why is the heating on?
It's not even cold out today.

I was cold.

Well, stick a jumper on, then.

What exactly do you do all day?

Would it hurt you
to tidy up a bit? Eh?

I've come in every night,
and you're nowhere to be found.

I'm running around like a
blue-arsed fly, tidying up after ya.

It's like a bloody dosshouse in
'ere.

You can't keep doing nothin' all
day.

It's five months since ya left
school.

Cor, it fuckin' stinks in 'ere.

And you, you smell like a rat's
crawled up your arse and died.

When was the last time
you had a bath? Or a shower?

Dunno what to say.

I've had it up to here.

I can't take it, I'm going to
Sam's.

For crying out loud, start
helping me out a bit, will ya?

Start in the living room.

Fuck's sake.

Bins.

They hold secrets in them.

Hello, darling.

And I'll call you...
Salt and Vinegar.

It's my stream.
And I'm rowing in it tonight.

Stillbirth.

I carried her the whole nine
yards.

It was the doctor's fault.

I hear her.

I... You know,
her voice before she had one...

See...

you can't break mothers' bonds.

[WomaWhen babies lay
on their mother's chest,

no matter what age,
their heartbeats will sync up.

Did you know that?

[MariYou ought to get a coat.

[WomaGrief will take
you with it, if you let it.

Where've you been?

Eh?

Your lips are blue. Eh?

You're back.

You're freezing, ya wally.

I've got the irits, Michael.

Chillblains.
You heard of socks and shoes?

It's cold.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

God, it really stings.

Ain't gonna help you.

Won't this feed it?

It's not just
like that, you know.

There are other things.

Lots of other things.

Those'll have to come off, too.

Do you want me to?

If you must.

I'll call you... Salt and
Vinegary.

Hello.

Cor, blimey!

Oh, hello, darling. Come in.

We were meant to be going out,
um...

I think he went out on the lash
with his mates last night.

- Is he in, Michelle?
- He... He's not really decent, Leah.

Musta been pissed as a fart.

God, what is he like?

Is that what I think it is?

- He asked me yesterday.
- Aw!

Oh, don't worry about
her, she sleeps enough as it is.

Go on, you go in and wake
him up. I'll stick the kettle on.

Lazy git. Michael!

Michael.

Why are you wearing nothing?

Ugh.

Look, we were meant to be goin'
out. What's that smell? It smells...

Is that you? Smells salt and
vinegary.

Uh, sorry. Yeah, uh...

Well, hurry up and get ready,
will you? I wanna get out of here.

You all right?

Here, they're
getting married. Just saw the ring.

It's a bit Argos catalogue-y,
mind you.

Here, take this to Leah, will
ya?

Does it look like its gonna snow
to you?

Here, nice cup of tea for you.

Mothercare's gonna be shut at
this rate.

Oh. Cheers, Maria.

Well... congratulations, then,
boy!

Kept that a secret, didn't ya?

It felt like the right time, you
know.

Only been
asking him God knows how long.

Doing anything nice today, you
two?

Just a bit of food shopping,
get the turkey.

Cor, can't believe these are
still damp.

Been on 'ere since Thursday.

We should get going, shouldn't
we?

Um... Oh, Michelle, I wanted to
say,

I think there might be something
wrong with your heating.

I think that's why
I was so hot last night,

but I'll give it a check
when I come back, all right?

- You'll give it a check later?
- Yeah.

You know shit about heating.
You're a dustbin man, not a plumber.

Thanks for the tea, Maria.

Oi. You've been funny with me
all day.

Oi. Won't even look at...

Why won't you ev...

Hey, what happened? Help!

"Timothy..."

"6:7."

"For we have brought nothing
into this world,"

"so we cannot take
anything out of it either."

Hey, hey. She ain't well.
We need to help, Maria.

Maria!

"Matthew, 6:19."

She's not listening to herself,
let me have it, you daft cow!

Feed the grief... Maria.

What do we do?

Hey.

What do we do?

Hey...

This ain't right.
I'm gonna get help. Stay there.

A bushel...

...and a peck.

I'm sorry
this has happened to us.

Once upon a
time, a bird shit on the line,

the monkey chewed tobacco
and a little piggy ran

with his finger up his bum
to see what was the matter.

Once upon a time,
a bird shit on the line,

the monkey chewed tobacco
and a little piggy ran

with his finger up his bum
to see what was the matter.

Once upon a time,
a bird shit on the line,

the monkey chewed tobacco
and a little piggy ran

with his finger up his bum
to see what was the matter.

Once upon a time,
a bird shit on the line,

the monkey chewed tobacco
and a little piggy ran

with his finger up his bum...

Once upon a time,
a bird shit on the line,

the monkey chewed tobacco
and a little piggy ran...

What's that?

Where the fuck have
you been? Been worried sick.

We've had the police 'round,
they're out lookin' for you an' all.

- Call em, Ellie. Let em know, yeah?
- All right.

- ...The monkey chewed tobacco...
- She on drugs?

...to see what was the matter.

Look at you. Where've you been?

I thought that granny rapist
might a gotcha.

Michael told me what happened last
night. He's gonna have to give a statement.

You'll have to an' all.

Once upon a time,
a bird shit on the line...

Michelle, she might just be in
shock. Maybe we should let her.

She fucking stinks. I've had
it up to here, I can't take it.

- This house does, too.
- What the fuck, Michael?!

A message on my sister's answer
machine. Are you shitting me?

You cowardly streak of piss!
You good-for-nothing...

So, you're leaving me? You
don't want me or the baby, yeah?

It's her, innit, it's you!

- You get back down here, you!
- Michael, what's going on?

Maria, open the door!

Open the door now!

Can you feel me now?

Close your eyes, Maria.
Let's play a game.

Hot or cold?

This wasn't just it, Maria.

You're freezing.

Open the door, Maria!

Maria, open the door!

...in me own house. Am I a mug?!

Maria, open the door now!

It's all right, love, it's all right.
There's just been a mix-up.

Maria! Open the door now,
please, love.

Maria, what have you done?

What have you done?

You're lukewarm now.

Warmer.

You're really hot now.

Where'd you get it all from?

Where'd you get it all from?!

Do you remember now?

I'm sick of you,
I'm sick of you! Leave!

Leave!

- You hurt me, piss off!
- Don't be like that.

I know you don't love me,
but I love you so much,

and I just want you
to fucking love me back.

Eh?

Is it that hard?!

Just love me!

Please, love me!

Please!

Please.

Please.

Please.

You need to go, Michael.

Leave now, please.

I'm so sorry, Michelle.

Oh, my darling.

I'm sorry.

Don't leave.

Please, don't leave her.

Love her.

Thought it was Michael put all
the bags in the boiler cupboard.

It was you.

Little stinker.

It's a hoard.

It's mine and hers.

It's mine and hers.

It's all ruined now. It's
ruined.

Shh.

I get it.

I get it now.

Oh, decorating?

Bit late for that ain't it, girlies?
Christmas has been and gone.

It's only a couple of days
ago, Janice. Exactly.

Merry Christmas, Janice!

Nutters.

Merry fucking
Christmas, the lot of you!

Thank fuck I don't have
to eat any of this shit.

Maria? You all right?

So, it turns out, these
are my exorcism gift, right?

Fucking Kurdish exorcisms
are next-level wild.

My exorcist, the Sheikh -
yeah, the Sheikh -

really, really, really fit

and I'm deffo gonna marry him
when I'm older.

And also, my aunts, they keep on
fucking pretending to be possessed.

'Cause every time he's
coming over, they're proper like...

Fucking mental.

- Ah, she's back! Hello, trouble!
- You all right?

Ah, Michelle!

Ah! It's like a Christmas miracle.

What's up with you?
It looks like you seen a ghost.

- She missed ya.
- I missed you!

- Argh!
- Argh!

Maria, seriously, what the fuck
have you been keeping in here?

Fuck off.

It's like a fucking museum
or something. This is mental.

But, look, I gotta go.

I'll catch you Monday, yeah?
In a bizzle!

- Bon voyage!
- Bon voyage!

I gotta go, love. I'll see you
soon.

Kill my ears. Come, let's go.

- What we having for dinner today?
- Happy Christmas.

- Fish cakes.
- I fucking love fishcakes.

Let's go, fishcakes!

Inside.

Inside.

Mm!

Right. What's the time?
I better go.

So, you gonna stay in
and watch Hootenanny?

- Mm.
- Will ya tape it for me?

Oh, also, Sam and the
girls are coming later.

I love you, ya know?

I love you more.

You don't half need a wash,
though. Once ain't enough.

Piss off!

Laters!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to you all!

And now you've disappeared
somewhere.

And I miss you, oh.

I've come to realise
grief will never heal over time.

It simply disguises itself in things.

She disguised herself in things.

Some of my memories are vivid,
and some are more like dreams.

They dip and dive, even
changing, too.

But it's okay.

I remember now.

I can hear her.

The catalogue of love
has found me once more,

and I guess it never left.

We are the kings of the castle.

And you lot...

you're the dirty rascals.

I love you, Custard.

Are you getting that?

There you are, darling. You got
me singing now on tape, ain't ya?

Bye-bye, camera. Love ya.

Bye-bye camera. Love ya.

Descriptive subtitles
by Matchbox Cinesub