All language subtitles for Bewitched S04E20 If They Never Met_track3_[eng]

Mother, mother.

I know you're here somewhere.

What are you up to?

Good morning, dear.

Where is my darling,
little, Tabatha?

You know she simply adores
her grandmamma.

Well, I don't.

Mother, I am furious with you.

Oh? What on earth for?

Where is the little angel?

She is out playing in the yard.

Now, don't you be devious.

I know you put spell on Darrin.

Oh, it was just a harmless,
little, touch of revenge.

I would hardly call
burying Darrin

under a ton of shaving cream

a harmless, little,
touch of revenge.

He looked like
a walking snowman.

Wasn't it amusing?

Darrin is not
laughing.

Well, he deserved it.

He behaved very churlishly
towards me last night,

just because I brought
Tabatha a little gift.

A unicorn is not a little gift.

You know I meant well.

Besides, Tabatha would have been
the only little girl

on the block
with a unicorn.

Mother, you have
a depraved sense of humor.

Thank you.

DARRIN: Sam, I'm leaving.

Uh-oh.

Sweetheart, why don't you
just take a few minutes

and have some breakfast?
I'm late already,

thanks to your mother's
weird sense of humor.

Darrin, maybe you're wrong
to blame mother.

I mean, they could have
all been just accidents.

The shaving cream could
have been overheated,

and you just could have squeezed
the toothpaste too hard.

[CLUCKING]

And that chicken could have been
waiting for a bus.

Do me a favor, will you?

Tell that old bat
to get off my back!

Ooh.

Sam, I can't take anymore.

She'd better quit or--

I'm going to do
something desperate!

Mother.

Hey, Mom!

What is it lambykins?

I heard the door slam.

Is Durwood having one of his
temper tantrums again?

No, no, it's more like
a nervous breakdown.

He called me an old bat.

Now, that's not very nice.

Mother,
he had every right.

You've been mean
and spiteful.

Indeed! And he's
acting like a child.

As a matter of fact,
maybe he ought to look like one.

Sam!

Sam!

Oh, mother, you put him back
in his own car this minute.

Oh, all right.

You're just lucky I'm late!

[♪♪]

Mother, I think
you're being childish.

Now, these little tricks
are unworthy of you.

Really? [LAUGHS]

Wait till you hear
what's in his attaché case.

What?
A cobra.

What?!

Defanged,
of course.

Just for the shock value.

Mother, I want you to call off
this vendetta right now.

Promise me.

I promise.

Witch's honor.

Witch's honor.

I promise not to bother
Dum-Dum anymore.

Good.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have some housework to do.

If you'll excuse me,
I'd rather not watch.

Good.

[DOOR SHUTS]
DARRIN: Samantha!

Samantha!

What are you doing
home so early?

It's only 10:30.
Ow.

Why don't you ask your mother?

Mother?
What'd she do?

I'll tell you what she did.

She just lost us
one of the biggest new accounts

we've had in years--
Prune Valley Retirement Village.

Prune Valley?

Right. I walked into
the conference room,

I stood at the head
of the table,

I greeted Mr. Leroy Wendell,

the client and his associates,

I opened my briefcase,

and nine people fainted,
including me.

Oh my goodness!

Well, what did Larry say?

Just two words.
"You're fired."

Oh, Darrin,
Mother promised she wouldn't.

Well, I've got news for you.

When it comes to
your mother's promises,

there's a big credibility gap.

Darrin, you're shouting at me.

Why shouldn't I
be shouting at you?

Because you shouldn't
take my mother's

lack of credibility
out on me.

Why not?

You two hang together,
don't you?

Hang together?

Just what do you
mean by that?

Well, you know
what I mean.

When we get right down
to the nitty-gritty,

we know where
your sympathies lie.

Broomsticks are thicker
than water.

Darrin!

It's been that way
ever since we got married!

You and her against me!

And I'm the one who suffers.

You know what
I think you've got?

A persecution complex.

Well, who has
a better right?

Maybe you'd be happier
if you'd never met me.

Is that what you're
trying to say?

You said it,
I didn't.

What do you mean by that?

Make of it
anything you want.

Ohhh. Darrin?

Darrin! Wh-where are you?

What's happening?

Morning, darling.

What did you do
with Darrin?

I was just being
a good mother-in-law,

I gave him what he wanted.
What?

He said he'd be happier
if he'd never met you.

He didn't say it.
I said it.

Well, who cares
who said it?

I arranged it.
Where is he?

Right where he would be,
if he'd never met you.

Mother, you bring him back
right this instant.

Now, just wait a minute.

Let's not be hasty.

He may be a good deal happier
where he is now.

He loves me, Mother.

Are you sure?

After all we've put him through
these past few years?

Let me refresh
your memory.

How many normal,
red-blooded, American husbands

have been changed into a monkey,

and a penguin, and a wart hog?

Darrin was never a wart hog.

You're quite right.

It's just that I thought
about it so much.

Mother, do you know
what all this proves?

It proves that he loves me.

What man would go through
all this if he didn't?

Now, you bring him back.

You want what's best
for him, don't you?

I'm what's best for him.

Do you have the courage
to find out if that's really so?

We can very easily,
you know.

We can just go,
and take a little look.

All right.

Let's just do that.

But I know
you're wrong.

Good. Let's go.

Where are we going,
Mother?

Across in time,
Samantha.

To the now that might have been,

if you and Durwood
had never met.

Well, here we are.

Don't be nervous, dear.

I'm not nervous.

Oh, really?

Morning,
Mr. Stephens.

Morning,
Charlie Baby.

Bring it up
around 3:00.

I want to take a run
out to the boat.

Right.

There. You see, Mother,
how miserable he is?

Miserable?
He doesn't look
miserable to me.

Well, it's obvious.

Those clothes,
and that car, and a boat.

Well, it's simply a cover-up
for a very lonely man.

What about
that big smile?

It was a lonely smile,
Mother.

All right,
let's go upstairs

and take a look at him
in the office, shall we?

Oh, my.

What's he done
to his office?

Why? I think
it's very elegant.

Yes, b-b-but
that's the point.

It's too elegant.
It's overdone.

Oh, really?

Well, I'll say one thing,

not knowing you hasn't
hurt his golf game any.

Look at all these
beautiful cups he's won.

Oh, sure. Wasting his
time on a golf course.

Lonely man.

I don't know.

Have you seen
these pictures?

Acapulco, San Juan,
Buenos Aires.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Running away from life.

Yes, and he's still wearing
that same, lonely smile

in all those pictures.

I wonder how he's doing
in business?

With all his playing around,
and golf and everything,

he couldn't be doing
too well.

Darrin.

Shh. Quiet.
Watch me sink this.

[CHUCKLES]
Good shot.

Listen congratulations,
you son of a gun,

we just signed up
Jonathan Broadhurst.

You know, those layouts
of yours flipped him.

Couldn't wait to put his name
on the paper.

Of course, Lar,
it was in the bag.

You know, I was talking
to McMann yesterday

and looks like we might have to
change a few signs around here.

Uh, how does McMann, Tate
and Stephens, sound, hmm?

Well, not as good as
Stephens, Tate and McMann,

but I guess it's okay.
[CHUCKLES]

He's going to be
a partner.

Isn't that wonderful?

No.

Darrin?

[SAM SHRIEKS]
Hey, Sheila. Come on in.

Mother, that's
Sheila Sommers.

Darrin's old
girlfriend.

Hello, Larry.

She doesn't look
so old to me.

Well, uh, I'll see
you kids later, huh?

I've, uh, got
some things to do.

Mmm...

Oh, he's kissing her!
That dirty cheat.

He's not a cheat,
Samantha.

After all,
he's not married to you.

Oh. Uh...

Oh, that's right.

Oh, he's a regular
little kissing bug,
isn't he?

Oh!

Mm, you know something,
Darrin?

I don't think I can wait
ten more days

until I'm
Mrs. Darrin Stephens.

They're not married yet,
Mother.

We could go to Vegas.

If we catch a plane now,
we could be married today.

How romantic.

Elope?

Oh, now, Darrin,
we couldn't do that to Daddy.

You know, he's already spent
so much on the wedding.

And he's invited
all his business associates,

and it's going to be
a big tax write-off.

Daddy's all heart,
isn't he.

Oh Darrin, uh...

About the honeymoon,
after Lisbon,

we ought to skip
Majorca and go right
to the Canary Islands.

We could spend
three or four weeks there.

[GASPS] He only took me
to Atlantic City.

I hate to bring this up,
but how much is this trip
going to cost?

Now, Darrin, you promised
you weren't going to talk
about money.

Daddy's taking care
of the whole thing.

It's his wedding present.

I know, but I just
don't feel right.

He still doesn't know
a good thing when he sees it.

Oh, Darling.
I've got to be going.

But don't you be late
for that party tonight, hmm?

I wonder how she'd look
with that putter

wrapped around her neck?

Ah, ah, ah, ah. Samantha,

We're here just
as observers, you know.

You wear your
white dinner jacket,

with your ruffled shirt.

You look beautiful in it.

Ruffles?

Darrin?

Okay to come in?

Sure, come on in.

Sheila just left.

You know, I envy you.

Marrying a gorgeous girl
like Sheila,

whose daddy's the fourth
richest man in the country.

You've got to be
the luckiest guy alive.

I guess I am.

I guess I am
the luckiest man alive.

Come on, I'll buy you
a drink on it.

Now, are you convinced

that Durwood is
happier without you?

You heard it
from his own lips.

Darrin didn't say happy,
Mother.

He said "lucky."
There's a big difference.

Oh, come now,
Samantha.

The best way
is a clean break.

No.

No, I want to be sure.

I'm gonna go
to that party tonight.

Oh, you are a glutton
for punishment.

Darrin, at this moment,

I feel very warm towards you.

Like a father.

Oh? What'd you
have in mind?

My money.

That's not true,
Sheila.

That 28 and a half million
dollars your father has,

never entered my mind.

It entered my dreams a lot,
but never my mind.

Well, I can
tell you one thing:

Darrin is not marrying me
for my money.

As a matter of fact,
I had to propose.

Oh, Mother,
she's dreadful.

How can Darrin stand her?

Oh, I think they make
a lovely couple.

Ugh.

Friends... Friends,
could I say something?

Ladies and gentlemen,
I would like to offer a toast

to my daughter, Sheila,

and my future son-in-law,
Darrin Stephens.

A long and happy marriage!

And it better be a long
and happy marriage

because this whole thing
is costing me a fortune.

[LAUGHING]

What's so funny about that?

Now, in addition to picking up
the tab for the honeymoon,

I'm also going to give
the happy couple

two oil wells in Texas,
a corner lot

in the heart
of downtown Phoenix,

plus a complete set of
lightweight airplane luggage.

[LAUGHTER]

I wonder what
the losers get.

Well, he's not
the Darrin I know.

It looks like rain,
Samantha.

We have a long ways to go.

Here he comes.

Oh, Mother,
look at him.

I wonder what
he's thinking?

What do you think
he's thinking about?

Power? Money?

Success? Income tax?

Wonder where he's going.

Well what's the difference?
We've seen enough.

No.

No, I'm going
to follow him.

Samantha!

Oh, why doesn't that girl

ever listen to her mother?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Well, look who's here.

The bridegroom himself.

Hi,
Hi, Mr. Stephens.

Hey, Dave.

Darrin, what are you
doing here?

Well, I came in
for a drink, what else?

A last drink
with your old buddy

before you take
the fatal step, huh?

You're right.

I'll have a bourbon
on the rocks, huh?

Make it a double.
Sure thing.

Dave, can I talk to you
seriously for a minute?

Well, of course.
If you can't talk

to your best friend,
who can you talk to?

I'm happy for you Darrin.

I'm very happy for you.

Oh, thanks, Al.

You know, um...

Sheila's a wonderful girl,
make a wonderful wife.

Two people-- Takes two people
to make a marriage.

And love, love, that's the--
the glue that binds.

She's got a lot
to offer a guy.

Her father does, too.

Twenty eight and a half
million dollars.

Give a little,
take a little.

That's what
makes a marriage,

Tell you the truth,
I'm not sure I love her.

The main thing is mutual
understanding and trust.

And how would
I know what love is?

I mean, maybe I am in love
with her and just don't know it.

But why
wouldn't I know it?

I'm very happy for you,
Darrin, very happy.

You found the greatest
treasure of them all.

Hey, I gotta go.

Al, on the tab, huh?
And Darrin,

if you want to ever have
another little, serious talk,

you just call me, huh?

Oh, thanks, Dave.

I don't know, Al.
Maybe I'm expecting too much.

Maybe I'm looking for magic.

[CHUCKLING] Oh.

Well, I better get going.

On the house.
Little wedding present.

Thanks, Al.

Thank you.
Ooh!

I am sorry.

That was clumsy of me.

Oh, not at all.
It was my fault.

I wasn't looking
where I was going.

No, it was my fault.

Are you meeting someone?

Well, I'm not sure.

I may be too late.

Um, may I, uh, buy you a drink
while you wait?

Uh, all right.
Thank you.

What'll you have?

Martini, please.

Al, a martini
for the lady.

I'm sorry I can't join you,
but I have to get back.

To a party.

It was nice
bumping into you.

[CHUCKLES]

So long.

Uh, put that on my tab,
will you, Al?

That was very rude of me,
and not to mention stupid.

This might be my last chance
to buy a drink

for a beautiful girl.
Oh?

Yes, I'm, uh, I'm getting
married in a few days.

Really?
You must be thrilled.

Yeah, I should be,
shouldn't I?

Aren't you?

Oh, you wouldn't
be interested.

Yes, I would.
I really would.

You would?

Say, haven't I seen you
somewhere before?

No, I don't think so.

It's funny.

You're sure
we've never met?

I'm quite sure.

You mean you're not excited
about getting married?

Oh, I didn't say that.
Sheila's a great girl.

I mean, we've been
going together for
a long time and...

Yes?

Well, I'm just wondering,
maybe there's a reason

I've been holding off.

Maybe I've been looking
for something else.

You know what I mean?

Yes, I know exactly
what you mean.

So do I.

For the very first time,
so do I.

This may sound kind of crazy,
but will you do me a favor?

What?
Will you sit right here
and wait for me?

Um, I have to go,
but I'll be back.

I have something
very important to do.

To undo.

Well, I-I don't--

Please.

Al, don't let her
out of your sight.

Please.

Don't go away.

He isn't happier
without me.

Hmm?

Mother!

Mother?

I heard the whole thing.

It was sickening.

Bring him back, Mother.

Oh, it kills me to think
you're going back to this

miserable,
bourgeois existence.

Oh, oh, oh.

Bring him back.

All right.

But I'm not going
to stay around to see it.

I mean it, Sam!

There are times I wish
I never met you!

Of course there
are other times
I realize that I--!

couldn't live
without you, and I--

have to admit,
that's most of the time.

Oh, Darrin.

Even if I lose my job
at McMann and Tate,

I still have you
and Tabatha.

That's all that matters.

[CHUCKLES]

Hmm, there's that too.

Hey, listen to this, honey.

"Own your own business.

Sell our screen doors
direct to the public."

How do you like that?

I can be a door-to-door
door salesman.

Oh, Darrin.
Don't be ridiculous.

Larry's not gonna fire you

just because of
one little client.

It wasn't one little client.
It was one big client.

Larry wanted that account
and I blew it.

Oh...
[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I'll get it.

Oh. Hi, Larry.

Hello, Sam.

Is Darrin here?
I gotta talk to him.

Larry, I know
why you're here,

and I've only got
one thing to say.

Do you own
a screen door?

[CHUCKLES] Boy, I've got
to hand it to you.

What perception.
What instinct.

Huh?

Sam, this husband of yours
is something.

His tactics are
a little strange,

but he's something.

You had Wendell
figured all the way.

What do you mean?
Yeah, what do you mean?

Well, didn't you hear the news?
It was on the radio and TV.

Leroy Wendell was indicted
in Minnesota

on a phony real-estate scheme.

Well, how do you like that?

Sure, but you sized him up
right away, didn't you?

You snake in the grass.

You really fouled up
the meeting,

sent Wendell screaming
out of the office.

See, honey,
I told you it'd work.

One question though:

Why didn't you let me in on it?

I knew you'd never
go for it, Larry.

You know, you're right.

Sam, this husband of yours

has the guts
of a riverboat gambler,

Yes, I know.

Well, I've gotta run.

I'm late for dinner.

But I just had to stop by
and tell you in person.

You son of a gun.

Bye, Sam.

Good night, Larry.
So long, Larry.

Whew!
There.

[CHUCKLES]
You see how nicely
everything turned out?

And we owe it
all to mother.

You had say it, huh?

Well, it's true.

Well, let that be
our secret.

I want to tell you
how sorry I am

that I got sore
this morning

and said all those
things to you.

I can't imagine
what life would be like

if I hadn't met you.
[CHUCKLES]

I think I'd be pretty
darn miserable.

Well, that's something
we'll never know, will we?

[♪♪]