All language subtitles for Bewitched S03E10 Id Rather Twitch Than Fight_track3_[eng]

The baby-sitter said
10:00, Louise, but she’s
usually a little late,

so why don’t we
make it 10:30?

DARRIN: Sam, where’s
my houndstooth sport coat?

Oh, yeah. Sure.
Fine, I’ll tell him.

Uh-huh. See you later.
My houndstooth sport coat...

Louise and I are going
shopping this morning.

Well, fine. Honey,
where’s my houndstooth...

Larry’s car broke down,
so she’s gonna drop him
at the office

and pick me up
on the way back.

Sweetheart, I’m late for work,
and I haven’t got time
to listen to an itinerary

of where you
and Louise are going.

Now, have you seen
my houndstooth sport coat?

Which one is that?

The tweedy one.
With black and orange checks?

The one you hate?
Oh, that one.

Well, you don’t
wear that anymore.

I’m wearing it today,
but I can’t find it.

To the office?
Don’t you think
it’s a little... Noisy?

Sam, this may come
as a surprise to you,

but I’ve been choosing
my own clothes
for quite some time now.

Why don’t you wear
the brown one?
It’s much nicer.

Because I want to wear
the houndstooth
and I can’t find it!

Now, have you
seen it or not?

You’re shouting.

(WHISPERING) Do you
know where it is or not?

Um...

I, uh, gave it away.

You gave it away?

Well, I, uh...

I was cleaning out
your closets

and I just gave away
everything you don’t wear.

You gave it away.

Darrin, stop saying
"you gave it away"

like I just sold
your mother into slavery.

That coat must have been
10 years old.

Fifteen!
That’s just the point!

It has tradition
and character.

And patches on the sleeves
and moth holes
and a tear in the pocket.

Who’d you give it to?
The thrift shop.

Maybe they still have it.

Darrin,
that was a month ago.

Darrin, don’t you think
you ought to put on a coat?

You’re not wearing one.

Thank you.
Hereafter, however,

I would appreciate it if
you didn’t touch my clothes.

Oh! Oh!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I know I shouldn’t have
lost my temper.

But to give away my
houndstooth sport coat...

How could she
do such a thing?

Take it easy, Darrin.
Relax and start
from the beginning.

Why don’t you
have a seat?

No, no, not there.
On the couch.

It’s easier to talk
when you’re reclining.

Where did you do
your residency, doctor?

Now, look, buddy boy,
let’s not try to get
funny, hmm?

It just so happens I have

much more experience in
these matters than you have.

Firstly,
I’ve been married longer.

And secondly, Louise and I
have been seeing

a psychiatrist
for several months.

Psychiatrist. So that’s
how you come by
your couch-side manner.

Oh, come on, Darrin,
this is serious.

Dr. Kramer’s changed
our lives.

And he specializes in
exactly your problem.

I don’t have any problem.
I just don’t have
a houndstooth sport coat.

The coat isn’t important.

Not important?
That was my favorite coat.

What matters is that
it caused you and Sam
to have a fight.

Now, Dr. Kramer’s specialty
is teaching married couples
how to fight.

According to
Dr. Kramer’s theory, there
are three kinds of fights:

the amphigoric,
the semi-amphigoric,
and the centripedal.

That’s a great system, Larry.
It’d be impossible to fight

because nobody knows
what the words mean.

It’s really
very simple, Darrin.

The amphigoric fight is, well,
silly and irrational.

And, according to Dr. Kramer,
should be avoided entirely.

The semiamphigoric,

well, is your everyday,
garden-variety fight,

which on deeper analysis,
can be revealed to be either

amphigoric proper
or centripedal.

That is significant.

If it falls into
the first type, it should
be stopped immediately.

But if it should turn out
to be centripedal,

it should be fought through
to a conclusion.

What type is my
houndstooth sport coat?

To you, it was just...

Just an ugly old coat, right?

Right.

Well, what we have to
determine

is what did that
houndstooth sport jacket
represent to Darrin?

Bad taste?

Too simple!
According to Dr. Kramer,

the way a husband and wife
feels about how his
spouse dresses,

shows the condition
of the entire relationship.

How does Darrin like to
see you dress?

Oh, bright colors,
chic lines.

Good. Good,
good, good.

That means he still
thinks of you romantically
as a lover.

Well, I hope so.

Because if he liked
for you to wear
drab clothes...

You know, dull colors
and those sensible shoes.

Well, that would mean he was
just beginning to take you
for granted.

That sounds logical.

But what about
the houndstooth jacket?

Now, why was I wrong
to get rid of it?

Oh, now, that’s
the other side of the coin.

To Darrin, that jacket
must have represented

his desire to be
attractive and alluring
to you.

And by giving it away, why,
you indicated you were
just taking him for granted.

(GASPS) Oh!

Oh, Dr. Kramer
doesn’t help you
solve problems.

He just shows you
how to analyze them.

For example, how does Sam
like you to dress?

Well, conservative clothes...

Dark suits,
quiet colors.

Exactly. Married clothes.

And you come along
with a sport coat
with black and orange checks.

(BOTH SNICKER)

Now, if she really liked
that coat, you’d be
in real trouble.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Why?

Because it would indicate
that she’s not completely
satisfied with married life.

That she yearns to be gay,
single and carefree herself.

You see?

Your argument turned out
to be amphigoric after all.

She was just showing you
how much she loved you
by giving away that coat.

Larry, I have to admit
that Dr. Kramer seems to
really know his stuff.

You know what I’m gonna do?
I’m going to go out
and buy a present at lunch

to show Sam
how wrong I was.

Good idea.

You’re showing great
psychological insight.

But remember, Darrin,
when you buy Sam that gift,

a husband’s present
to his wife

expresses exactly
how he feels about her.

I don’t know why I let you
talk me out of going
back to the thrift shop

to get Darrin’s old coat.

That’s the one he loves,
and that’s the one
he should have.

Oh, Samantha,
will you forget it?
They’d never still have it,

and even if they do,
we want something new.
We do?

Uh, perhaps something
in a Shetland.
They’re very good this year.

No, I’m sorry.

Old or new,
it has to be houndstooth.

With black
and orange checks.

Well, if I may be
permitted, madam,

we haven’t carried
houndstooth for many years.

Today’s gentleman
has grown a bit more,
uh, sophisticated.

This is for
yesterday’s gentleman.

Perhaps if you tried
a costume shop.

Oh, no.

The baron usually gets
his clothes tailored
at the chateau.

But being so far
from home, well...

Come, come, Louise.

Well, I guess I’d better
go put some more pennies
in the parking meter.

You sure this is it?

Oh, yes.
I remember it quite well.

We dyed it
as soon as
it came in.

Why did you dye it?

Well, if you’re buying
secondhand clothes,

you don’t want to stand out
in a crowd like a neon light.

Oh, all right.
I’ll take it.
How much?

Well, it was your coat
to begin with.

But for the repairs
and the dye, $5.

Is that all?

Believe me, it’s more
than we ever expected
to get.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Yuck!

This is ever so chic.
Sophia Loren wears one.

Very much like it
in her latest picture.

Was she married or single
in the picture?

When she wore it she was
single, but she got
married right after.

Let me show it to you
in hot pink.
It’s a knockout.

LARRY: Just remember, Darrin,
when you buy
that gift for Sam,

a husband’s present to
his wife
expresses exactly

what he feels about her.

But be careful.
In Sam’s mind,

sensible, conservative clothes
equal happiness and security.

Frilly clothes and exotic
colors equal jealousy

and dissatisfaction
with married life.

Remember
the houndstooth sport coat.

(SIGHS)

You see, in hot pink,
it absolutely exudes

romance, gaiety, mystery.

Have you got anything
that exudes a little less
gaiety and mystery

and a little more
security and contentment?

But, sir, you asked
to see negligees,
not flannel pajamas.

Maybe a bathrobe
instead of a negligee.

Something comfortable.

Something like this,
perhaps?

Well, uh,
would you say that was
a married woman’s robe?

Oh, yes.
Definitely married.
With children.

Perfect! Wrap it up.

Sam, about this morning,
I wanted you to know that...

Well, I, uh,
I brought you
a little present.

Oh, isn’t that
a coincidence?

It just so happens
I got a little something
for you, too.

Oh, you shouldn’t
have done that.
It was my fault.

Oh, now, shh.
Just open it.
Okay.

Oh, I love
to get presents.
So do I.

My houndstooth
sport jacket.

Oh, Darrin! It’s...

Lovely.

It was, um,
very considerate of you

to get this for me
when I know how much
you hate it.

Oh, I don’t hate it.
I love it.

I just thought I hated it.

Now I know it’s
just the kind of thing
I want you to wear.

Um, aren’t you gonna
try on your robe?

No.

No, I think I’ll wait
a couple of decades.

But, sweetheart, I went to
a great deal of trouble
to find a present

that would express
exactly how I feel
about our marriage.

And you bought me
a prison gown!

Oh!

And what does this express?
I’ll tell you
what this expresses!

It expresses a woman
who is disappointed
in married life,

a woman who wishes she was
gay, carefree
and single again!

Darrin,
I’ll have you know

that I spent almost
the whole day looking
for a coat like that.

Then I went back
to the thrift shop.
Well, they dyed it,

and I had to twitch it back
because I knew how much
you wanted it.

You twitched it back!
That’s more proof!

More proof of what?

That you wish you
were single again.

That’s ridiculous.

I thought you honestly wished
to give up witchcraft.

I really did.
I thought you wanted
to be a normal housewife.

Well, this shows me
how wrong I was.

You really wish that you
were a single, carefree,
full-time witch again!

Well, I’d rather be
a witch than a convict.

(STAMMERS)
Well, that settles it.

There’s nothing more
to discuss.

Darrin?

Don’t you dare
walk out on me!

You see? You see?
Every time you have a problem
that you can’t handle,

you get excited,
you resort to witchcraft.

Well, you know what
that means psychologically.

Well, there’s nothing
I can do about it,
so just go ahead.

I am only human.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(MOANING, MUTTERING)
Don’t twitch.

Don’t twitch!
No, don’t twitch!

Darrin?

(MUTTERING)
Please don’t twitch.

Darrin!
No! No! Wait!

It’s okay, old buddy.
I’m not twitching.

Oh, uh, hi, Larry.

You been here
all night?
(LOW WHISTLE)

Oh, was I wrong.
Was I ever wrong!

Sam and I had
one of the worst fights
we ever had.

Wow. You two certainly
aren’t ready to handle
a centripedal kind of fight.

Darrin, you need
expert advice.

Oh, Larry...
Uh, no, Larry.

As of now,
the doctor-patient
relationship

between you and me
is definitely over.

Well, not me. Dr. Kramer.

Let me call him
and arrange for
you and Sam to see him.

She’d never agree, Larry.
She won’t even talk to me,

much less a psychiatrist.

Well, okay.
I’ll tell you what.

I’ll have him come over here
and pick you up.

Then you can both go
over to your place
and see Sam.

A doctor who makes
house calls?

He sounds a little
old-fashioned to me.

Don’t worry.
You’ll love him.
He’s a wizard.

(DIALING PHONE)
Wizards I don’t need.

He bought you this?

Oh! It’s just like Duncan.

You get Tabatha ready,
and I’ll pack your things.

You certainly are not going
to stay one minute longer
in a house

with a man who bought that
as a present for his wife.

Mother, I’m not leaving
just because we had a fight,
so you can forget it.

Think I ought to
call him at the office
and apologize?

Certainly not!
Not even mortal
housewives do that.

Louise! Louise Tate!

I’m gonna call Louise
and get the name
of that psychiatrist.

He’s the one that started
the whole thing
in the first place.

Psychiatrist?

Oh, Samantha, you wouldn’t!

They’re anti-witch!

What’s so special
about that?
So’s everybody.

Yes, but they work at it.

They think we’re figments
of people’s imagination.

TABATHA: Mommy.

Oh, dear.
There’s Tabatha.

Would you see
if she’s all right
while I make the phone call?

Yes, hello, darling.

How’s Grandmamma’s
little witchlet, huh?

I’ll wager you’re hungry.
Grandmamma’s going to
get you a bottle.

There.
Use your own power, Tabatha.

Mama isn’t here.

There! That’s a girl!

That’s a girl!

Oh, you were hungry.

Oh, a psychiatrist!

My own daughter!

Where did I go wrong?

Well, I always say,
if you need a professional,
get the best.

Libido, Superego, id,

do for me
just what I bid.

Dr. Freud, I presume.

How do you do?

Won’t you please
step into my off...

Madame, these surroundings
are unfamiliar to me.

Can you please tell me
where I am
und how I got here?

For your own peace of mind,
Dr. Freud, don’t try
to analyze it.

But this is not my office.

And I am not your patient.
It’s my daughter.

Ah. Little girl.

Madame,
you are very wise.

For the first time,
someone has called me
in time.

This is my granddaughter.
My daughter is downstairs.

Follow me.

Samantha, you can forget
about that quack.

I have the real McCoy.

Do I have to lie down?
I feel silly.

Well, it’s customary,
but if you prefer,
you may remain upright.

Oh, thank you.

Quit stalling, Samantha.
Tell Dr. Freud your problem.

Madam, if you interfere,
I shall have to ask you
to leave.

Your daughter will talk
when she’s ready.

Well, I’m a witch.

Mmm-hmm. Go on.

Don’t you think
that’s strange?

Do you?

No. That’s because
I am one.

How long have you been
a witch?

Ever since I was born.

I didn’t know about it
until I was a year old.
Right, mother?

Nine months.
You were very precocious.

But that’s not
my problem.

You think you are a witch,
but that is not
your problem, huh?

No, it’s my husband.

Is he a witch, too?

No, he’s a mortal,
like everyone else.

That’s his problem.

Please.

You see, it all started
when Darrin...
That’s my husband,

got mad because I gave away
his favorite sport jacket.

That one.

That is your husband’s
favorite sport coat?

Unbelievable, isn’t it?

A friend of mine told me
that that jacket

represented Darrin’s desire
to be attractive
and alluring to me,

and that I shouldn’t
have given it away.

Anyone who finds
that jacket

attractive and alluring
to anyone

is showing symptoms of
a severely disorganized mind.

Well, if it doesn’t mean that,
what does it represent?

Bad taste.

I’ll go with that.

Madam, if your daughter wishes
to tell me why she thinks
she is a witch,

then we will have to
go into her dreams,

her childhood frustrations,

her relations
with her mother.

Mother’s a witch, too.

Yeah. Well...

That would be
significant.

Because it’s not
a psychological problem.

Witch or not,
you appear to be
a sensible woman.

Sensible women do not
fight with their husbands

because the husband
is partial to
disagreeable sport coats.

That is silly.

In the future, when you fight,
fight about important things.

Then you will not have to
call upon me.

You sure you’re
a psychiatrist?

You’ll receive my bill
in a few days.

He’s a psychiatrist.

Uh, Darrin!

Where have you been?

Uh, Sam, this is
Dr. Matthew Kramer.

I thought that
he might help us.

How do you do?
Mrs. Stephens.

Is that yours?

Yes, it is, but, uh...

Why, it’s beautiful!
Where did you get it?

I’ve been looking for
a houndstooth sport jacket
like this for years!

You see, it is not necessarily
a psychiatric symptom.

There are many people
with bad taste.

Bad taste?

This is a classic
sport jacket, and I...

I don’t believe
I’ve met you.

My name is
Dr. Sigmund...

Sigmund!
Dr. Sigmund.

Well, Dr. Sigmund,

what right
do you have to suggest
that I have bad taste?

I did not suggest.
I merely stated a fact.

That is the ugliest
sport coat I’ve ever seen.

And in addition, doctor,
you broke in on my patient.

Broke in on your...

Mr. Stephens,
why didn’t you tell me that

you had consulted
another doctor?

I, uh...
I didn’t know.

Is this what you call
professional ethics?

Don’t you lecture me
on professional ethics!

I’ll have you know that I’ve
been a practicing psychiatrist
for a good many years.

Oh, yes, doctor?
Well, I was a psychiatrist

before there were
psychiatrists!

I’ll bet you were.
Phony accent and all!

This looks like it’s
going to be interesting.

How dare you insult
my accent, you...
You upstart!

Doctors, please,
please!

Dr. Sigmund, I want
to tell you something.

Guys like you
give me a pain,

with your beards
and your old-world manners.

I think you’ve all got
father fixations.

Father fixations?
Yes!

You take that back!
You make me!

Oh, now, doctors,
this is just a-a silly...

Uh, a-amphigoric
argument.

You’re not really
going to fight?

DR. KRAMER: A-ha!

Hold these.

There isn’t supposed
to be any violence.

You’re supposed to
watch out for each other’s
vulnerable areas.

I’ll watch out for it!
I think this guy’s got
a glass jaw!

Sam, do something.
Well, what can I do?

You might consider moving
the furniture, darling.

Quick, before
they hurt each other!
You mean it?

I’ll father fixation you.

It’s guys like you
who give the rest of us
a bad name!

Don’t argue with me, honey!
Do it!
All right, all right.

Mother, I’ll take
the big one.

DARRIN: Don’t forget
to make him forget.

Where did he go?

Sorry, doctor.

Back to the unconscious.

Sam, I have to apologize.
Darrin,
I really feel so bad.

Oh, if you’re going
to kiss and make up,
I’m going to leave.

It’s nauseating.

Darrin?
What?

I have an idea.
What?

Let’s kiss and make up.

Say, how did he get...

Darrin?
Yeah?

Close your eyes.

What for?
Go on. Close ’em.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

Closed?

Mmm-hmm.
Can’t see a thing.

All right.
Now, stand up.

With my eyes closed?

Mmm-hmm. Come on.
Well, okay.

Keep ’em closed, now.
Yeah.

Put your arms
behind you.

Now, other arm.

Hmm.

Don’t peek.
I’m not.

There.
Okay?

Mmm-hmm.

Hey. Hey, this is
something else!

Where did you get it?

I, uh, exchanged
the houndstooth jacket
for it.

Honey, you couldn’t
have exchanged it.
You...

Now, why did...

I exchanged
the bathrobe, too.

What were you gonna say?

I forgot.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)