All language subtitles for Bewitched S02E32 A Bum Raps 1080p AI Upscale DVD x265 HEVC 10bit AC3-Vertag_track3_[und]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, honey, don't forget
about Uncle Albert.

According to
his telegram,

he should be arriving
sometime today.

No, I won't forget.

And, honey, be
especially nice to him.

He's a construction
engineer.

And no family. He's on
the road all the time.

You told me. I'll do everything
I can to make him feel at home.

Thank you, darling.

Oh!

Oh, and he is
a little eccentric.

If he pulls any of his
funny little gags on you,

just go along with him.

What funny little gags?

Well, there he goes.

Yes. The typical young
American executive

on the way
to the office.

Same time, same place
every day.

Yeah. You know a man
could set his watch by that,

if he had a watch.

Well, time for breakfast.

Shall we meet back here?

Absolutely, Mr. Dilloway.

Positively, Mr. Dunn.

Good morning, miss.

How did you know
I was a miss?

Well, I--

I presume that the laws
of this state prohibit marriage

for those who are under
21 years of age.

Well, as a matter
of fact, I am single.

I'm keeping house
for my brother

while his wife
is away on a trip.

Oh, I see.

Are you selling something?

Just the pleasure of my company
at breakfast.

Now, I'm not partial to eggs,
but some wheat cakes

and crisp bacon and lots
of hot, strong coffee.

Strong coffee
is my weakness.

You're a bum!

This is a respectable
neighborhood.

You ought to be ashamed
of yourself.

A man of your age...

panhandling!

A simple no
would've been sufficient.

Good morning.

I know,
don't tell me.

You're
Uncle Albert.

Oh, it's so nice
to meet you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm Samantha,
Darrin's wife.

He had to go to the office,

but I promised to take
very good care of you.

I hope you don't mind.

Mind?
I'm delighted.

Come in, come in.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

My, you were hungry,
Uncle Albert.

Yes. Traveling always
gives me an appetite.

You must lead an interesting
life on the road all the time.

Oh you, uh--
You know about that?

Well, a little.

Uh, most of your work is done
in the field, isn't it?

Yes, in the field.
That's right.

Well, that Donald
is really a lucky man.

Uh, you mean Darrin?

Oh, Darrin, Darrin,
yes, of course.

Imagine me forgetting your
daddy's name, little fellow.

She's a girl,
Uncle Albert.

Tabatha.

Oh, well, uh, Darrin's letter
informing me of the birth

must've arrived after I left.
My apologies, fair lady.

Apologies accepted.

Now, how would you like
to unpack your things

and get settled in your room?

Well, unfortunately, my luggage
won't arrive until later.

Some delay at the airport.

However, I would like
to wash the dust

of the road off this
tired old body.

Your room is
at the top of the stairs.

I'll show you.

No, no, no. Now,
you sit right there.

I'll find it.

I don't want my stay here

to be any trouble
to you whatsoever.

Ah.

Well, you like your
Great Uncle Albert, huh?

Well, I respect
your opinion.

I like him too.

MR. DILLOWAY:
♪ I loved you ♪

♪ As I never loved before ♪

♪ When first I met you ♪

♪ On the village green ♪

♪ Come to me ♪

♪ As you did in days of yore ♪

♪ I'll love you
As I loved you ♪

♪ When you were sweet ♪

♪ When you were sweet ♪

♪ Sixteen ♪

Oh, I didn't know
you were there.

My, you do look handsome.

Well, I-- I realized
after I took my bath

that I didn't
have a change.

I... I hope your husband
doesn't mind.

Oh, not at all.

I'm sure if he were here,
he'd insist.

You have a lovely voice.

Well, thank you.

That was a song I did in my act
back in the old vaudeville days.

You were an entertainer?

Oh, a headliner.

That's funny.

Darrin never told me.

I wonder why.

Well that was
a long time ago.

I don't believe Darrin would
remember that part of my life.

Why did you give it up?

Well, it died,
my dear.

Woke up one morning,
and it just wasn't there.

And that's when you decided to
become a construction engineer.

Construction engineer?

Oh, well, yes,
I faced the inevitable.

But really at heart, I'm still
an old song and dance man.

I bet you could still entertain
people in nightclubs

and on television.

No, no.

Those days are gone
forever, my dear.

When I hung up my straw hat
and cane, that was it.

And I became a, uh...

Construction engineer.

Yes, exactly.

From then on, it was just
constructing one engineer

after another until I adjusted
myself to the new life.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, uh, Uncle Albert, would you
mind seeing who that is.

Why, certainly.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yes?
Hello.

I am Uncle Albert.

Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that.

Pardon.

I said, "Oh,
I didn't hear that."

I'm looking for the Stephens.

Darrin and Samantha Stephens.

I-- I believe
they're expecting me.

Oh, well, they moved
about two weeks ago.

That's strange.

Darrin never
mentioned moving.

Well, I believe his office
transferred him unexpectedly.

They moved to Westport.

I see.

Do you mind if
I use your telephone?

Well, ordinarily I wouldn't,

but I'm down with a rare case
of Galloping Fungi.

The doctor says
it's very contagious.

Well, in that case,
I'm sorry to have bothered you.

Oh, not at all.

Goodbye.
Goodbye.

SAM:
Who was it,
Uncle Albert?

Oh, uh, just
a peddler.

I got rid of him.

Good.

How did you find me?

Hey, I saw that lady usher you
in like she was expecting you.

How did you do it?

Well, it's a case
of mistaken identity.

She thinks I'm her
uncle Albert.

It's a case
of a gorgeous setup.

Furniture, appliances,
silver.

We steal all we can.

Now, look, William, I like
this lady and her baby.

Okay, then
we don't steal.

You don't
understand, William.

I owe her some loyalty.

You wanna talk
about loyalty?

For 30 years I carried
you in the act.

For 30 years I cooked
you mulligan stew.

So until this family goes to bed
tonight, you're Uncle Albert.

After that, you're Horace
Dilloway of Dilloway and Dunn.

And you're gonna
help me load the truck

that I'm gonna hire
to clean out this joint.

Look, William, can't we
try some other place?

No. Like it says in the sketch,
this must be the place.

Look, Horace, forget loyalty.

Think of responsibility.

Financial responsibility
to certain people.

Like who?
Like us.

Look, your way, if they find out
you're not Uncle Albert,

it's the clink.

My way, it's Miami
and some loot for a change.

[DOORBELL]

There's somebody at
the door. You better go.

Hi, Miss Kravitz.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Stephens.

I just came by
to return this.

It was in the kitchen.

Abner thinks Gladys borrowed it
quite some time ago.

Thank you, but you
needn't have bothered.

HARRIET:
Oh, I know how it is
when you run short.

I was saying to Abner
just this morning.

Abner, I said, I--

Oh, uh, Miss Kravitz,

I'd like you to meet
Darrin's Uncle Albert.

It's a pleasure
and a privilege, my dear.

Didn't I, uh--
Haven't we met
somewhere just recently?

Oh, that's not very likely.

You see, I've been out
of the country for some time,

and I certainly would've
remembered you.

[GIGGLES]

Well, goodbye,
Mrs. Stephens.

Nice meeting you,
Mr., uh, uh...

Albert, Uncle Albert.

Please, don't be a stranger
during my stay here.

Time is so fleeting.

Well, goodbye, all.

Well that was
an interesting visit.

Yes, wasn't it?

And we are developing
a crash program

to present to
Mr. Martin.

It's my considered opinion
that he should--

[PHONE RINGS]

Mr. Stephens' office.

Oh, sure.
Hi!

Just a second.

It's Mrs. Stephens.

Hi, sweetheart.

I'm up to my ears.

Did Uncle Albert
get there all right?

Yes, yes, he arrived
just after you left.

How do you like him?

Fine. I like him
just fine.

Well, uh, you don't sound
very enthusiastic.

Well, Darrin, you remember
you mentioned

those little things he does.

Well, he only does them
for laughs,

even though he's not
very good at them.

Well, I think
he's very good at them.

Has he pulled the one about
the mouse in his pocket yet?

No. But he's
pulled the one

about Harriet Kravitz's
wristwatch.

Oh, listen, honey,
I forgot to tell you.

There's a photograph
of Uncle Albert
in the bottom drawer

of the desk in the living room.

It might be nice if we
had it out on display.

Well, all right, sweetheart.

Oh, look, I just wanted
to ask you--

I'm sorry, honey.

I've gotta get going
on this Martin thing.

And I might be a little
later than I thought,

so try to amuse Uncle Albert
till I get there, will you?

All right.
I'll try.

Thanks, sweetheart.
Bye.

Bye.

Now, where were we?

It was right here:

"In my opinion, it's--"

[PHONE RINGS]

Will you get that, Betty.

Mr. Stephens' office.

Oh, I see.

Well, just a minute.
Let me check with him.

It's Mr. Martin's office.

And they wanna know if they can
postpone the meeting

until 11 tomorrow morning.

Tell them yes!

Yes, tomorrow will be fine.

Oh, well, thank you.

Okay, goodbye.

Now, would you like for me
to read the memo back to you?

No.

We can do it first thing
tomorrow morning.

I think I'll go home
and surprise my uncle Albert.

I tell you, I was wearing it
when I went in this house,

and that man stole it.

Harriet, you don't
know for sure.

Oh, I don't, don't I?

You'll see.

Oh, hi there,
Miss Kravitz.

Yes, it's me again.
Where is he?

Um.

Won't you come in, too,
Mr. Kravitz.

Thank you.

There he is.

Well, Miss Kravitz,
to what do we owe

the pleasure
of this visit?

To a certain item taken from
my person by a certain party.

Don't pretend you don't know
what I'm talking about.

Well, I'm afraid you do
have me at a disadvantage.

You see, I've just come back
from a long, long trip,

and, well, my mind is still
a little fuzzy.

Well, let me
enlighten you.

ABNER:
Harriet, please.

I happen to be talking
about my wristwatch.

You mean the one
you're wearing, Miss Kravitz?

Yeah, that's
the one all right.

Oh, boy. I'm sorry,
Mrs. Stephens.

Abner, I was not wearing
that a few minutes ago.

Harriet, please.
You need glasses.

I've been telling you since
you fell out of the tree house

when you were 6 years old.

Goodbye,
Mrs. Stephens.

Goodbye,
Mr. Kravitz.

Well, another interesting visit
from the Kravitzes.

I wonder why that nice lady
thought I stole her watch.

Perhaps because you did.

Pardon?

Oh, come on, I was standing
right here when you did it.

Oh, you were?

Now, Darrin's told me
all about you, Uncle Albert.

This was just another one
of your funny little tricks,

wasn't it?

Oh, oh, yes, yes.

It was one of my
funny little tricks.

But I still don't understand
how she got it out of my pocket.

Do you?

Mm-hmm.
How?

Oh, that's just one
of my funny little tricks.

Now, you have a request
for an encore from Tabatha.

Do you mind?

Oh, that'll
be a pleasure.

[TABATHA CRYING]

Oooh!

Holy Toledo!

Oh!

Oh, hi.

I wanted to surprise
my Uncle Albert.

Ah, Darrin, I thought you were
supposed to work late tonight.

The meeting
was postponed.

Oh, it was?

Uh, Darrin.

There he is.
I see him.

Darrin.

He's sitting there
reading my newspaper.

Isn't he great?

Darrin.
What?

He's not your uncle.

Oh.
What?

You see, he's only pretending
because I made the mistake

in the first place.

What mistake?

You see, I thought he was
your uncle Albert,

so I invited him in.

He's really
a very nice man.

I like him.

Tabatha likes him.

You'll like him.

Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it!

What happened
to my uncle Albert?

You know, I've been
wondering about that myself.

Anyway, you'll enjoy
this Uncle Albert.

I asked him
to stay overnight.

You did?
Why?

Because I'd already
invited him.

I-I thought I'd explain.

You see, I thought
he was Uncle Albert.

That doesn't
make any sense.

He's wearing my suit.

Yes.

Doesn't it look nice?

Does he know that you know
he's not Uncle Albert?

No. Oh, Darrin, please,
please, go along with it.

Just for tonight.

Sam...

Please?

You, uh...
You must be Donald.

Darrin, and you
must be...

...my uncle Albert.

It's no wonder
you look surprised.

You probably don't even
recognize me.

After all,
it's been years.

Oh, the last time you saw me,
I was probably that high.

Maybe even that high.

[CHUCKLES]

You've changed
a bit yourself.

Well, time does
change one.

It's great to have
you here, Uncle Albert.

Oh, thank you.

Well, why don't
we have a drink.

All right.

And after dinner, we can, uh...
We can kick around old times.

Huh.

It was marvelous the way
he warmed up to you

when you were talking
about the old days.

Yeah.

I never knew I'd gone
to a burlesque show

when I was only
6 years old.

[LAUGHING]

You were marvelous.

You're not bad yourself.

Well, thank you.

[KISSING NOISES]

Sleep well.

That's it. That's all
we can carry.

Now, wait.
For what?

I can't go through
with it.

Are you gonna
start that again?

They were so
wonderful to me.

You-- You should've been
in there at dinner tonight.

You bet I should've
been in there at dinner.

And the sooner we
get rid of this stuff,

the sooner I can buy
my own dinner.

Like in Miami Beach,
Florida.

They really made me
feel like somebody.

Yeah. The somebody they made
you feel was Uncle Albert.

How do you think they're
gonna make you feel

when they find out
you're Uncle Horace?

Come on, come on,
let's get going.

[TRUCK DOORS CLOSE]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[BRAKES SQUEAK]

What is it?

I think your hobo friend
just hit the road.

Well?

Oh, Darrin.

I was so sure he'd
turn over a new leaf.

Honey, he's obviously
been at it a long time.

With him, you'd have to
uproot the whole tree.

Well, I guess I better
call the police.

Police?

Is that absolutely
necessary?

Have you got
any better ideas?

As if I didn't know.

Hey, what can I do
to make you crack a smile?

It's a lost cause.
Yeah.

You'll change your mind when
I turn this into eating money.

We can bum a year
on what we got back here.

Hey, I wonder if
this is real silver.

It could be worth
a lot of dough.

Wait a minute.

Let me see that.

"To Darrin from Uncle Albert".

Oh, no!

Oh, no, what?

They knew.

They knew I wasn't Uncle Albert
all the time.

Hey, hey, hey.
Wait a minute.

What are you doing?

I'm going back.

Oh, no chance pal.

You wanna go back,
get out and walk.

All right.

You know, you're
breaking up the act.

Unless you wanna
stick with me.

No, I'm sorry.
I can't do that.

Absolutely,
Mr. Dilloway?

Positively,
Mr. Dunn.

All right, you've
had your fun.

Now, you just kindly
turn around and come back.

What's that?

These things
don't belong to you.

Just bring them back.

You're wasting
your time and mine.

Yeah?

What happens if
I turn you off?

[LAUGHS]

I must be losing my mind.

No, not really.

Just do as I tell you.

Yeah, lady.
All right.

Honey, they couldn't have
swiped the phone, could they?

Uh-uh. It's right
down there.

Thanks.

I'm afraid we're gonna
have to call the police.

Oh, darling, I don't think
that'll be necessary.

Our furniture is
on its way back,

and Uncle Albert will be
knocking at the door any second.

Really?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Why do I even ask?

May I come in?

Hello, Uncle Albert.

Glad you decided
to come back.

Oh, Samantha, I'm not
your uncle Albert.

I'm a tramp.

And you both knew it
right from the beginning.

Why didn't you
throw me out?

Because we liked
having you here.

[CAR PULLING UP]

That'll be the police.

Well, I guess

I had it
coming to me.

Well, it's not the police.

It's the truck you left in.

William?

He's back here?
[RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]

Let's just say
he delivered the truck.

You know where
to find him later.

You're not going
to have me arrested?

My wife thinks you can turn over
a new leaf and get a job.

Maybe the suit
will bring you luck.

I can keep it?

Why not?

Well, I don't know
how to thank you.

Maybe I can get a job,
really be somebody.

You are somebody.

You're Horace Dilloway
of Dilloway and Dunn.

And now you can go back
to entertaining people

in nightclubs
and on television.

Oh, no. No chance.

Nobody has any use
for us these days.

And I say they do.

You really think
it's possible?

Mr. Dilloway, when my wife
says it's possible,

believe me, it's possible.

How did you know my name?

Oh, that's just another one
of my funny little tricks.

Oh.

Well, I'll be in touch with you
if you'll-- If you'll let me.

We'll be looking
for you.

Goodnight, Darrin
and thank you very much.

Goodnight,
Mr. Dilloway.

Goodnight, Samantha

Goodnight, Uncle Horace

I told you everything
would be all right.

You'll see.

Dilloway and Dunn are gonna be
headliners again.

I wasn't worried
about them.

I was thinking about
lugging all that furniture

back into
the house tonight.

Darrin, why don't you
let me do it for you.

Sam, this is some
kind of a record.

For the second
time in one night,

I'm not gonna
argue with you.

Wait for me.

What took you
so long?

Hey...
Huh?

I just thought
of it.

What?

Whatever happened
to my uncle Albert?

Oh, well, I wouldn't
worry about him.

He's probably busy
constructing engineers.

Come on.

[♪♪♪]