All language subtitles for Bewitched S01E04 Mother Meets Whats-His-Name 1080p AI Upscale DVD x265 HEVC 10bit AC3-Vertag_track3_[und]

NARRATOR:
Among the more soul-satisfying
suburban activities

is that collaboration
with nature

that brings fragrance
and beauty to the home:

horticulture.

Husbands are appreciative
of their wives' efforts

as they leave for their
offices, secure in
the knowledge

that their mates are
at home digging,

rather than in town shopping.

In time, patience, fortitude
and loving care are rewarded

by fragrant blooms...
sturdy and bursting with color.

Providing, of course,

you have the proper soil
and a green thumb,

or unless
you happen to be a witch.

[♪♪♪]

ENDORA:
To think I'd ever live

to see the day
a daughter of mine

would be down on her knees
in the dirt,

digging for onions!

I'm not digging for onions.

I'm planting gladiolus.

You're making
a fool of yourself.

That's what you're doing.

Oh, now, Mother,
don't be so stuffy.

Everybody plants flowers
around their homes.

It's part of
the scheme
of things.

Anyway, it's fun planting seeds

and watching flowers grow
in a natural way.

Yes, I saw an exhibition

of that natural growth
this morning,

when whosis left

for wherever it is
he goes in the morning.

Well, I just didn't want
to look a failure

first time at-bat.

First time at what?

"Bat," Mother.
It's an expression.

Yes, I know what a bat is.

Those ugly flying things

that people think
we're always cooking.

Not that kind of bat, Mother.

A baseball bat.

I'm afraid you've lost me.

It's a game that people play.

Haven't you ever seen it?

Oh, don't be absurd, Samantha.

Well, it's very exciting.

They play it with a ball
and a big stick called a bat.

One man throws it

to the man holding the bat,
who tries to hit it.

Then everybody chases the ball.

And the man who hits it

runs around in a circle

on a field called a diamond,
before anyone else can tag him.

You're not serious.
Oh, yes!

Darrin took me once.

I don't believe it.

And the one who runs around
the most, wins the series.

Series of what?

Nothing.
Just a series.

It's typical. Typical.

That's a human being for you.

Spend most of their lives
running around in circles

for a series of nothing.

Would you like some coffee?

Love some.

I'll wash out
the cups and saucers.

Why?

Well, 'cause we only have two.

We haven't bought any dishes
or silver or linen yet.

What sort of coffee do you have?

Fresh, in the percolator.
I made it myself.

No, thank you.

I think I'll have a cup
of Turkish kawah this morning.

Mmm! It's delicious.

Have some?

No, thank you.

And I wish you
wouldn't do that.
Do what?

Well, you know
perfectly well
what I'm talking about.

This is a normal household,

and I'm trying to
avoid witchcraft

wherever and whenever possible.

That's ridiculous, Samantha.

You are what you are,

and there's nothing
you can do to change that.

I'm not trying to change.

I'm merely trying to adjust.

He's trying to make you over.

He's doing no such thing.

Samantha, one of these days
you'll see that I'm right.

I detest sounding like
one of those mothers

who thinks they know it all.

But unfortunately...

I do.

Get away from the window,
Gladys.

That house, Abner.

There's something
funny going on
with that house.

Nothing funny.

[TAPS GOLF BALL]

It's an ordinary house.

If one minute you saw
trees growing,

and the next minute
you saw nothing,

wouldn't you think
something funny was going on?

If you heard lightning
and whooshing noises

all the time, as if things
were flying around,

wouldn't you think a minute
before being so cocksure

that everything was as normal
as blueberry pie, Abner?

Move, Gladys.

You're not listening.

I'm listening.

You're not interested.

I'm interested.
Keep talking.

Just move a little.
Aw...

"Place cloves approximately
2 inches apart.

Sprinkle generously
with brown sugar.

Then add ginger ale..."
Mother, Mother, Mother!

Hold it! I have to get
the cloves in first.

Of course.
I'd forgotten.

You do everything
the hard way now.

It isn't hard.
It's fun.

Anyway, that oven
practically does it for you.

All you have to do
is set the dials

for whatever time
you want dinner...

Uhh. I forgot to
ask Darrin

what time he'd be home.

Well, I guess I'd better go
to the village and call him.

What's the matter
with your telephone?

Hasn't been connected yet.

Is that all?

There you are.
You can call now.

Well, just remember.

You did it, I didn't.

Oh, hi, honey.

Well, I should be
through here about 6:30

and home about 8.

Hey, I see you got
the phone connected, huh?

No. No, they won't be here
until later this afternoon.

Bye, darling.

Bye, darlin'.

Move a little,
would you mind, Gladys?

Do you have any idea

how nervous I am about
going over there today?

If you're nervous, don't go.

Well, I've got to.

I mean, we're part of
the Welcome Wagon.

Shirley Clyde
and June Foster and me.

We're the committee.

And you know how they're dying

to get in there
and see the house.

Move left a little.
I can't see the glass.

It wouldn't surprise me

if none of us
were ever seen again.

What did you say?

Oh, never mind.

Your shadow's on top
of the ball, Gladys.

So help me, I wish
you'd cut this nonsense

and develop a hobby.

[TAP]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

About 20 minutes per pound.

Twenty-five would be better.

Why, Mother,

I thought you didn't fool

with mortal things like cooking.

What I said was

I didn't believe
in exerting myself.

I didn't say I didn't know how.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I'll get it.

Some of the girls
coming to call.

Oh, really?

Snooping, no doubt.

I'm sure you won't mind

if I make myself
scarce for a bit.

Coward.

Discretion is the better
part of valor.

[CHUCKLES]

How do you do?

How do you do?

I'm June Foster.

This is Shirley Clyde
and Gladys Kravitz.

We're the Welcome
Wagon Committee.

Welcome to Morning Glory Circle.

Well, thank you very much.

Won't you come in?

You sure you're not
busy with someone,

um, maybe your mother,
maybe your sister?

No, not a soul here but me.

No one?

No.

Oh.
Uh, that's my boy,
Robert.

Robert, now,
you behave yourself.

Oh, he's a
nice-looking
young fellow.

Gracious.

That's Shirley's son.

I see.

Three.

We don't know who he is.

Oh.
He's cute.

We brought you this cake

as sort of a housewarming gift.

Oh!
It's coffeecake.

Why, thank you!

Thank you very much.

Do you have a maid

with a large, curly head around?

Sorry.
No maid.

[ALL CHATTERING]

Now, children...
if you aren't quiet,

you can't stay in here!

No roughhousing, Stephen.

You shouldn't
touch things that
don't belong to you.

Put that back
wherever you found it.

That's perfectly all right.

Uh, w-why don't you sit down
in the living room

and make yourselves comfortable

while I put the cake
in the kitchen?

SHIRLEY:
Oh, why don't we all
go into the kitchen?

We wouldn't mind at all.

Of course not.

After all, we're really
not company,

and, well, your nice things

will probably have to last you

for a long, long time.

Boys, all right, get out.

Now, don't get into mischief!

Oh, that's love-ly... Oh!

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Would you like
some cake and coffee?

Oh, we'd love some.
Where are the cups?

Cups?

Oh, not your good
cups, of course.

Right over there
in the cupboard.

Oh!

That's bone china.

We haven't unpacked
the good stuff yet.

I-I can't seem to find
the silverware.

Silver?

Well, it's right there
in the drawer to your left.

Oh, I thought I looked there.

Well, look again.

Napkins, ladies?

Hi, there, lady.

How do you do?

I'm Black Bob,
the fastest gun in the West.

I'm an Indian.
He's a horse.

Who are you?

I'm a witch.

Okay.

You a good witch or a bad witch?

Comme ci, comme ça.

Here come the bad guys!

Little boy!

[SHOUTING, FIRING GUN]

Little boy, here, now.

Ugh!

[IMITATING GUNFIRE]

Of course, we don't
want a freeway

coming through this area.

No.
Then on Monday,

you're going with us to picket
the construction gangs.

I will?

Do you have a gardener
that works in pajamas?

We're forming teams
of two girls each.

Shirley and I
are leading picketing teams,

and Gladys will stand by

in case someone has to
sit down in front of
the cement mixer.

Me? Why me?

We voted.

Nobody told me.

It was a secret ballot.

Then, of course, you'll help us
with the refreshments, and...

The boys are awfully quiet.

Yes, isn't that nice?

Boys are always
dangerous when
they're quiet.

Let's check into this.

Yes. Yes,
of course.

Nobody asks me.

They just say,
"Gladys, go sit down

in front a cement mixer."

What are you boys up to?

There was a witch in here,

and she tied us up.
Yeah!

SHIRLEY:
Oh, that'll be
enough of that.

I think we'd better
take them home.

They're getting pretty tired.

Oh, I understand.

How did three of 'em
get tied up?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

For goodness sakes,
what is this?

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Shirley. How do you
suppose all three
of 'em got tied up?

Boys will be boys.

Yeah, but if two
are tied up, who
ties up the third?

Stephen, stop pushing!
He's smaller than you are!

Shirley, if you had two kids,

and they were
both tied up... Just a minute,
Gladys.

Don't run into the street!

What is it?

Oh, not so loud, Shirley.

What's the matter with you?

Now, don't yell.

I'm just asking you
a simple question.

SAMANTHA:
Mrs. Clyde,

the boys are in the street.

Oh, uh, of course.

Those boys. I really
don't know what...

Stephen, I told you not to run!

If he gets perspired,
he gets the flu.

I'd better take him home.

Please come back again
another time.

Abner, you won't believe it

when I tell you
what just happened.

It's Gladys!

You don't think
this is a crazy house?

Well, listen to this.

Three kids just got
tied up in the bedroom.

Do you hear me?
Three.

So what?
I'll tell you so what.

How did all three of them
get tied up, Abner?

Tell me that.

Oh, you don't understand.

Two kids are tied up
in the bedroom, and one kid
isn't tied up.

That's normal.

But not three kids tied up.

Never mind, Abner.
Never mind!

I should know better
than to talk to you.

Never mind!

[KNOCKING]

Mrs. Stephens?

Oh, no, Mrs. Stephens
is in the living room.

Oh. Well, I'm here to
connect the telephones.

Well, go right ahead.

It was very nice
meeting you, Mrs. Foster.

Thank you, Mrs. Stephens.

Maybe next week I'll take you
to our decorator.

He can do wonders for you.

Thank you.
That's very kind.

Robert!

Thanks for everything,
Mrs. Stephens.

I had a wonderful time.

Oh, please come back again soon.

Oh, sure, sure.

By the way, I let in
the phone repairman

to hook up your telephones.

Thank you.

To hook up your telephones?!

The phone was not connected.

May I never get off
this couch again

if the phone was connected!

Gladys, don't get excited.

You'll melt the cubes too fast.

You think I'm cuckoo, don't ya?

Gladys, you called me
about two kids

who were tied up in a bedroom.

Three kids! Three kids
were tied up.

Don't yell, Gladys.

If two kids were tied up,

I wouldn't have had to call you.

Don't you understand?

Sure, Gladys.

Then you believe me
that when I called you,

the phone was not connected?

You want me to call
the doctor, Gladys?

No, it wouldn't
do any good.
Why not?

Because he doesn't
believe me either.

I told you, Samantha,

that you wouldn't like
being part of the animal world.

They're not animals, Mother.
They're human beings.

Yes, of course.

Granted, the most
intelligent of animals.

And as Diogenes said,
also the silliest.

Or was it Diogenes?

Hmm?
Oh, well,

It was one of those
young, good-looking Greeks

who talked an awful lot.

Mother, you must believe
that Darrin isn't like that.

Like what?

The average human.

He's not covetous
or envious or inconsiderate.

Are you trying to convince me
or yourself?

I think it's time
the two of you met face to face.

Oh, really?

Would you care to have
dinner with us tonight?

Well, I don't know.

Still...
it might be fun at that.

You wouldn't do
anything startling, would you?

Why?

Does what's-his-name
have a weak heart?

His name is Darrin, Mother.
D-A-R-R-I-N.

And he's in perfectly
good health,

and I want him
to like my mother.

What sort of mother
do you think he'd prefer?

Lavender and old lace?

Pioneer stock, perhaps.

Old world?

New world?

[ENGINE RUMBLES]

What would you prefer?

Very funny, very funny.
But I'd prefer you on time.

[TIMER DINGS]

Oh, my ham.

Now, Mother,
please say you'll come.

Well, I suppose
I might as well
get it over with.

Yes. I'll come.

And I prefer the natural you.
And so will Darrin.

[CHUCKLES]

I wonder.

You are very pretty.

That's not quite
the right expression.

You are very pretty.
I'm very handsome.

What time did your mother
say she'd be here?

Oh, almost anytime now.

Can I make you a drink?

Definitely.

You know, having a plain,
ordinary mother-in-law

is a new experience to me.

But having a mother-in-law
who's a...

I mean, uh...
Do you, uh,
resemble her?

No. I look like
my father.

Ah.

Oh, what does
your mother look like?

Well, she's 5'6"
and weighs about 118 pounds.

Well, sounds normal.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, um...

It looks...

It sounds like she looks normal.

What do you expect
my mother to look like?

How would I know?

Well, you know what I look like.

Well, that's no proof!

Proof of what?

Proof that she doesn't have...

Well, a...

Well, what sort of eyes
does she have?

They're blue.

All five of them.

You're kidding.

Why is it that human beings

care more about what people
look like than what they are?

It's not that at all, Sam.

Well, then what difference
does it make

what my mother looks like?

I'm merely trying
to prepare myself.

For what?
I don't know if I like the idea

of having a mother-in-law
with five blue eyes.

Oh, don't be idiotic.

Oh, idiotic, am I?

Well, let me tell you
something, Sam...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

She's here.

Well, at least she didn't
fly down the chimney.

Well, if you're
going to be insulting...

I'm sorry, Sam.
I...

I didn't mean to say that.
It's just that...

[SIGHS]

Well, I'm nervous.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Will you answer the door,
or shall I?

I'll answer it.

Ask her to leave
her broom outside.

[♪♪♪]

Good evening.

Good evening.

Won't you come in?

Samantha.

This must be what's-his-name.

Mother, this is
my husband. This is...

Darrin.

Oh, we were just having a drink.
Would you care for a cocktail?

Thank you,
Mr. Stephens.

Well, I'd like it much better

if you would call me
by my first name.

Oh, very well, Dennis.

Darrin, Mother.

Oh!
Oh, of course.

I'd like a very dry martini.

Italian vermouth,
Spanish gin and
a Greek olive.

Well, I don't think
we have any of...

Oh, don't bother.
I'll fix it myself.

It's marvelous.
Marvelous.

Now, young man,

suppose you tell me
all about yourself.

What you do
and why do you do it,

et, cetera,
et cetera,
et cetera.

Well, I'm in
the advertising business.

I'm with a firm called
McMann & Tate.

Really? Isn't that
interesting.

Oh, pardon me.
Do you have a cigarette?

Oh, yes, of course.

Thank you.
You were saying?

Our firm handles
some rather large accounts.

Thank you.
I have a light.

Mother, Darrin's firm
is one of the largest

advertising agencies
in the world,

and Darrin's one
of its top executives.

That sounds very exciting.

Samantha, may I have
that ashtray, please?

Oh, yes, certainly.

And Darrin is responsible

for all of
the creative designs
for their campaigns.

What on earth
did you do that for?

Do what?

You carried that ashtray to me.

Don't tell me you've forgotten
how to levitate.

Well, of course I haven't
forgotten, Mother.

It's just that Darrin prefers

that I don't do
any of that stuff anymore.

Why do you object to my daughter
being herself, young man?

Well, I don't object, Mrs...

You'll never be able
to pronounce it.

Just call me Endora.

I like Samantha
the way she is, Endora.

She doesn't need any of
that other nonsense.

Nonsense?

Darrin doesn't mean anything.

Darrin, please.

I mean, we don't need
those powers of hers.

We can handle things
very well by ourselves.

Oh, you think so, do you?

Oh, I don't mean to be
disrespectful,

but we wanna live normal lives.

What is normal to you,
young man,

is to us asinine.

Samantha is what
she is, and that
you cannot change.

Mother, I made
the decision myself.

Yes, I know.

A decision I do not approve.

Samantha and I can handle
our problems by ourselves.

They're nobody else's business.

Darrin, please!

Are you threatening me?

Not exactly.

Darrin, please understand.

Mother means well.

Don't you worry, my poor baby.

Your mother will see to it
that you're treated properly.

I have every intention
of treating her properly

without any help
or interference from you.

Young man!

Mother, don't!

Very well.

Just consider yourself lucky

that you are not at this moment

an artichoke.

So from now on,
watch your step, young man.

Mother is watching you.

She's really very nice
when you get to know her.

Abner!

Gladys, what are you doing?

She went away
in a puff of smoke.

I saw her!

One minute she was there.

Bang! The next minute,
she was gone.

What's the matter with you?

All of a sudden, I'm
married to a Peeping Tom!

Spying on people,

sticking your nose in
everybody's business.

Go back to bed.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself!

Go ahead.
Say anything you want.

Insult me.
Call me cuckoo.

Kill me.
I don't mind.

And you know why, sweetheart?

Because I know
this is all a dream.

[CHUCKLES]

DARRIN:
Oh, sure, sure.

I suppose I look like
some sort of a freak to you

because I wanna live
what is to me

a perfectly normal existence.

Darrin, I didn't say that.

I understand how you feel.

Whatever it is you want,
that's what I want too.

Are you absolutely sure, Sam?

Yes.

What about your mother?

Well, she'll
get used to the idea.

Anyway, you married me,
not my mother.

Say, could she...
I mean, really...

Turn me into an artichoke?

If she wanted to.

Oh, that's creepy.

What could you do?

I mean, if she did?

Nothing, except...

Except what?

I could become an artichoke too.

[♪♪♪]