All language subtitles for Bewitched S01E02 Be It Ever So Mortgaged 1080p AI Upscale DVD x265 HEVC 10bit AC3-Vertag_track4_[und]

NARRATOR:
Here you see the average,
normal, suburban housewife

in one of her daily
routine tasks:

Preparing breakfast
for her husband.

With a modern kitchen and all
conveniences at her disposal,

the capable housewife moves
efficiently through her tasks.

Of course,
sometimes there are problems.

[DOOR OPENS]

Especially if your husband

expects breakfast ready
before he goes to work.

But that's no problem

for the average, normal,
suburban housewife...

if she happens to be...

a witch.

Hi, honey.

Now, doesn't that look good!

[♪♪♪]

What a ridiculous waste
of time and energy!

I prefer to think of it

as doing something that
will please my husband.

Well, you needn't
develop biceps doing it.

If you want to decorate a cake,

you merely put a small ring
of rosebuds there

with vines and leaves...

a gazebo in the center...

surrounded by Grecian columns,

there, there, there.

So there.

Oh, that's lovely.

Just because you married
a human, Samantha,

that's no reason to overdo this
grubby little housewife role.

Well, you call it
whatever you like.

I promised Darrin no witchcraft,

and no witchcraft
is what he's going to get.

Oh, very well.

Thank you.
Don't thank me.

As a mother, I've apparently
failed you completely.

On the contrary,
you've done a wonderful job.

Got myself a great husband,
didn't I?

[LAUGHS]

When I think what you could have
had, I get positively ill.

Darrin is a marvelous
human being.

That's a terrible thing
to say about anyone.

How can you be so
prejudiced, Mother?

You haven't met him.
Hardly know what he looks like.

Oh, they all look alike to me.

Noses to the grindstone,
shoulders to the wheel,

feet planted firmly
on the ground.

No wonder they can't fly.

Darrin's not like that.

Don't contradict your mother,
Samantha. Of course he is.

Look what he's done
to you already.

You've changed, Samantha.
You really have.

And soon I won't be able
to pick you out in the crowd.

Oh, sure you will.

I'll be the one with
strawberry frosting in my hair.

How's that?

Oh, it's revolting.

But I'm sure what's-his-name

will make a pig
of himself over it.

His name is Darrin, Mother.

You don't fool me one bit.

You're dying to meet him,
and he wants to meet you.

Samantha?

Honey, I'm home.

Oh, there he is.

You better go.

Why? I want to
study him up close.

Not now.

Don't worry, Samantha.
He won't see me.

Witch's honor.

And you know me to be
a witch of my word.

Good.

DARRIN:
Samantha?

I'll be right there, darling.

Hi, darling.

Hello, honey.

What's the matter?
Matter?

No kiss?

Oh, sorry, darling.

Is that him?

Sam, are you all right?

Me? Of course. Why?

I've had more passionate
kisses from my father.

What are you looking...?

How's that?

It's an improvement.

How about a drink?
Great idea.

There's something I want to talk
to you about. Very important.

What is it?

I drove out of the city today...
Cheers.

I drove out of the city...

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

Nothing?

What's the matter with you?

Hmm?

Is something wrong?

There's absolutely
nothing wrong.

You sure?

I love you the way you are.

I love everything about you.

That's the way
I like to hear you talk.

Why don't you come on over here?

Mmm. That's a wonderful perfume
you're wearing.

Oh, that. Well,
I've had it on all day.

I think I'll go
put on some fresh.

What is the matter with you?

What do you mean, dear?

You were friendlier
on our first date.

Samantha!

I was not!

Sam, are you angry
about something?

Why, no, of course not.

It's just I think some things
should be kept to ourselves.

You were talking about

driving out of the city.

Yes, well, I drove out
to a new development that...

Some things should be kept
to ourselves? Who's here?

What do you mean?

Just what I said.

Who's here in this room with us?
Is somebody watching us?

Well, now, darling,
isn't that silly?

You don't see anyone, do you?

What has that got to do with it?

Well, I mean, who could be here?

Well, nobody that I know,

but I don't know about
the people you know.

The people I know you can see,

but I'm not too sure about
the people you know.

I promise, darling,

there's no one here
but just the two of us.

Yeah?

Prove it.

That better?

Well, if you're lying, you
ought to be ashamed of yourself.

I love your hair.

Always feels so soft,

smells so good.

Tastes good too.
What is that?

Strawberry frosting.
It was going to be a surprise.

It is a surprise.

I always thought you had
plain, ordinary hair.

Do you like it?

I love your hair.

I mean the frosting.
I baked you a cake.

Really?

That's the surprise.

One surprise deserves another.

I drove out of the city today...

You said that.

To see a house!

Now, not a rented house
with someone else's furniture

and someone else's carpets
and drapes, but our own house.

Something we can own
from the top to the bottom,

from one end to the other!

Our house!
Now, what do you think of that?

Well, I-I think...

Before you say anything,
take a look at this.

It's laid out beautifully.

Big rooms full of sunshine.

It looks very nice.

It's the kind of house

we wouldn't have been able
to afford for a long time.

Even with the buy we're getting,

we're going to have to
tighten our belts,

if you know what I mean.

I think so.

Shoulder to the wheel,
in a manner of speaking.

Nose to the grindstone.

Nose to the grindstone?

Right.

It's really just a matter
of keeping our feet

planted firmly on the ground.

How does it sound to you?

Hmm?

Don't you like the idea, honey?

Of course I like the idea.
It sounds wonderful.

For a minute there, I...

Anything that makes you happy
makes me happy.

Okay. I'm about to make you
the happiest woman in the world.

Get me dinner.

[LAUGHING]

Was that you laughing?

Oh, yes.

[LAUGHS]

That was a very cute joke you
made about getting your dinner.

[LAUGHS]

I'll meet you
at the house at 3:00.

Okay.

Remember what I told you.
It's up to you.

If you don't like it,
we forget the whole thing.

I know I'll love it.

You sure you had
enough breakfast?

Oh, plenty.

You wouldn't have preferred
eggs or something like that?

No, sweetheart,
the cake was just fine.

I'll see you at 3.

Bye-bye, baby.
Bye.

I think we're very lucky.

All young married people
dream of owning their own home.

It's fine for them,
Samantha, but not for us.

We're quicksilver. A fleeting
shadow, a distant sound.

Our home has no boundaries
beyond which we cannot pass.

We live in music,
in a flash of color.

We live on the wind
and the sparkle of a star.

And you want to trade it all

for a quarter of an acre
of crabgrass.

Well, now, Mother, if Darrin's
this excited about it,

there must be something to it.

Now, I'm going to
take a look at that house.

The least you can do is keep
an open mind and go with me.

You mean you're interested
in my opinion?

You said you wanted me
to be happy.

Well, all right.
I'll look at it with you.

But I won't like it.

It'll only take me a second
to change, then we can go.

I'm ready whenever you are.

Mother! You are kidding.

What's-his-name got cake crumbs
all over the floor.

Is this it?

1164 Morning Glory Circle.
Isn't it nice?

It's filthy.

Well, now, Mother, all it needs
is a little landscaping.

Sow's ears are not
made into silk purses

by the mere addition of
a few dandelions, Samantha.

Don't waste your time.
It's not for you.

Oh, now, Mother.
Just use your imagination.

I could do wonderful things
with a place like this.

Oh, it's impossible! You're a
witch, Samantha, not a magician.

There are two of them, Abner.
Both women, one older.

Maybe a sister, maybe a mother.

Come take a look, Abner.

Leave me alone.
I'm retired.

You're just being stubborn.

Picture it with
a lovely lawn around it

and some flowers,
and trees and a hedge.

[CHUCKLING]

A lawn, you said?

Isn't it lovely and green?

A hedge.

That's an English box hedge.

Sweet. Yes.
And flowers.

There. Aren't they colorful?

Oh, and the little window boxes.

Yes. What else
did you say? Trees?

There. Voilà.
What do you have?

Lawn, hedge, flowers, trees,

all surrounding a sow's ear.

No wonder, the way
you have things thrown around.

What do you mean by that?

For instance, I don't
think we need the hedge.

Two trees is one too many.

Keep the big one,
but over there.

Oh, my, isn't that lovely?

Oh, there's something missing.

I know.

Awnings.

That's marvelous, Samantha.

That's marvelous. I couldn't
have done better myself.

Abner.

I've got three more words.
Will you wait?

I'm trying to get you
interested in civic affairs

and you need words.

What do I care about words?

Ooh. Abner!

What?

Abner, come here!

Gladys, I work like
a dog for 32 years.

Abner, the house across
the street has got a lawn

and, Abner, there are
trees and flowers.

What do you want from me?

Well, that's the way
it'll look someday.

What's the matter
with you, Samantha?

At least the place
looked somewhat livable.

Oh, no. We're going to
do it the right way.

From seeds.

Seeds?

That lot was plain,
ordinary dirt.

Now it's a jungle
with plants and flowers.

Come take a look, Abner.

Gladys, don't pull! Take
a spoonful of your medicine.

I don't need my medicine.

I say you do
and I never lie to you, Gladys.

Come look, Abner!

If there's no trees,
you'll take a spoonful?

I promise.
Go get it.

You're on.

Well, the living room's
beautiful!

Darrin was right.

Oh, it's a little cramped,
but passable.

I'm going to go look
at the kitchen.

Well, if you must.

Oh.

Abner!

Well?

Huh?

It's a wonderful kitchen,
full of dozens of gadgets.

It's going to be fun
cooking in there.

Oh, say, I like that chair.

Oh, thank you.
Have one.

Oh, wonderfully comfortable!
Splendid job, Mother.

I've taken a fling
at decorating in my time.

I thought you didn't
go in for earthy things.

Nothing more than
a creative challenge, really.

What sort of table do you think
would go well with these chairs?

Something low and heavy,
do you think?

I don't know.

Something along those lines,
I would imagine.

Oh, that's beautiful!

Yes.

And how about a sofa over there?

Something comfortable
and overstuffed.

Like... that.

Yes, it's very nice.

Oh, and of course
a coffee table.

Goes quite well.

And over the fireplace,
a painting.

Something colorful
and full of life.

It's very pretty.

And in the dining room...

A little bit too severe.

You really think so?

Mm-hm.

Well... maybe you're right.

How about that?

That's much better.
That's much better.

And... drapery!

Very nice.

And a buffet.

Oh, Mother, isn't it lovely?

Oh, you have something
there, I must say.

Let's go upstairs
and look at the bedrooms.

Why go up there?

Why don't we just send for them?

Oh, my poor feet.

Ah, that's better.

Don't try and stop me, Abner.
I'm going over there.

There's something going on

and I'm going to find out
what it is.

What's a five-letter word
for the ultimate happiness,

peace and tranquility?

[DOOR CLOSES]

"Death."

Well, Mother,
what do you think of it now?

Well, it's attractive...
for what it is.

And if Dennis is adamant about...

Darrin, Mother.

Whatever his name is.

If he must buy a house, at least
this is distinctively furnished.

You won't have to
change a thing.

Oh, all of this goes.

You're not serious!

Well, of course I'm serious.

Now that I know what I want,

we're going to furnish the house
like ordinary people do,

on time.

Well, come on, Mother,
let's go look at the patio.

Well, I've seen about
all I care to.

How about you?

Not me.

I'm going to wait for Darrin
and do it all over again.

You don't mind if I fly along?

I'm awfully glad
you came with me.

I would have been very unhappy
if you hadn't.

Well, I wouldn't
be much of a mother

if I deserted my daughter
in her hour of need.

I wish you'd try to believe

that I have never been
happier than I am right now.

The honeymoon isn't
quite over, Samantha.

It'll be a while before
you can be held responsible

for the things you say.

Well, I'll always feel the same,
if I live a thousand years.

You could change your mind
many times in a thousand years.

I did.

Well, I won't. You'll see.

[CAR HORN BEEPING]

Oh, now, that must be Darrin.

Now, don't go if you
absolutely don't have to.

Maybe the two of you
should meet right here and now.

Here? Now?
In my carpet slippers?

You must be kidding!

Hi, honey.

What do you think?
I love it.

You mean it? You're not
saying that just to please me?

No, no, I love it.

It's a marvelous house
and Mother loves it too.

Mother?

She's here.

In there?

You want to meet her?

Well, yes, of course!

Of course I want to meet her.

Abner, I love you.
Why would I lie to you?

Take another spoonful, Gladys,
you'll feel better.

Come on, now, open.

I won't open.
I want you to listen to me.

We've watched that house
across the street

ever since it was built.

You have watched that house.

I got better things to do.

I tell you, Abner, that house
has always been empty,

then bango!

Okay, bango.
Take the medicine.

It's full of furniture.
Just like that! Full!

Open.

No more.
It's making me nauseous.

Better nauseous
than crazy, Gladys. Open.

I'm not crazy, Abner.
It was full of furniture.

Beautiful stuff. Then bango!

Bango. Open.

It was gone.

Maybe it was repossessed. Open.

I'm going back there.

I'm scared, but I'm
going back there.

I'm marching up
and I'm going to knock,

and I'm going inside

and find out what's
going on in there.

Oh, she must have gone.

We didn't see her leave.

No, that's true.

We talked about furniture.

Now, something kind of wonderful
and comfortable,

but nothing too cold or modern.

You're right,
I don't see her anywhere.

Who?

Your mother.

She can be seen, can't she?

Well, of course.

And she had some wonderful
ideas about the dining room.

High cane-back chairs
with velvet seats.

Well, if you don't like
velvet seats...

I'm crazy about velvet seats.

As a matter of fact,

I'm crazy about practically
everything you like.

You really mean that?

Every word of it.

If you see a piece
of furniture you like,

you buy it and put it in.

I'll love every stick of it.

I don't want anything
we haven't picked out together.

After all, we're both
gonna live here, you know.

That's the sort of arrangement
I had in mind.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Here she is.

Who?

Your mother.
We must have locked her outside.

Well, I'll let her in.

Uh, no.
I'll answer the door.

Now, Darrin, Mother may seem
a bit different at first.

That's all right.
I'm perfectly at ease.

I just want her to know
I'd like us to be friends

and she'll always
be welcome in our home.

Hello.

Welcome, Mother!

[SCREAMING]

Mother?

That's that.
Mm-hm.

Oh, incidentally,
that poor woman you kissed

and scared half to death
was Gladys Kravitz.

She and her husband Abner
live across the street.

Well, as soon as we get settled,
I'll go over and apologize.

Anyway, I suppose
it's better than getting

a neighborhood reputation
of being standoffish.

Oh, really?

There he is, Abner!

That's the one who kissed me.

It don't make any sense, Gladys.

He's got her. Why would
he want to kiss you?

I love you,
Mrs. Stephens.

And I love you.
Please believe that.

Believe me, it'll never work.

[♪♪♪]