Original subtitles

Max!

Did you spin yourself into a cotton candy cocoon again?

[grunting]

- [Max] Just get it... - You know what?

This kind of behavior

is exactly why you need to get into

the Sophisticated Wizards of the World Club.

They take future wizards and they mold their minds,

into becoming...

Oh. Guys like that.

[chuckles] Look, he's got his wand in his briefcase.

That's weird. I usually keep my briefs in my wand case.

Oh, boy. We gotta call them right now.

Come on.

Justin, please, just tell me. Ooh, cotton candy.

Max was in it.

Please, Justin.

You have your delinquent class to help you get ahead,

just tell me how I can raise my standings in the wizard competition.

Are you kidding me? I'll never give you the key

to possibly winning the wizard competition.

[scoffs]

OK, well, fine.

I'll just think of a clever way to get it out of you.

[sarcastic voice] Yeah, OK.

Or, I'll just start my own class.

Helen would never let you do that.

Helen has no power over me.

I think as the head of the Wizard Family

Competition Commissioner's Office, she does.

[shouting] I just gave you everything you need to know!

Yes, you did. You're the best brother ever.

Get out!

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪♪

Excuse me, is this the Family Wizard Competition Commissioner's Office?

Uh, it's gonna be.

Now, when I got my promotion,

all I asked for was an aquarium in my office.

And you know what I got?

My office in an aquarium.

Why is that bug-eyed one looking at us?

He's been giving me the evil eye since lunch.

I had tuna.

OK, well, my name is Alex Russo,

and I'm trying to find a way to catch up

in my family wizard competition.

Alex Russo.

Oh, based on your lousy record,

you should take a delinquent class to earn points.

Well, then sign me up. I am so delinquent.

I turned my dad into a cockroach,

fed chocolate to a pocket elf, and...

Well, I'm just gonna say it: Exposed wizardry to the world.

- That's right. To the world. - You know, listen, sweetie...

I think it would be better for everybody

if you just, uh... quit the competition.

The world needs fishermen. Huh?

Listen, Helen, I can't give up.

Being in this competition is the only way

I'll be able to stay with my werewolf boyfriend.

Your boyfriend's a werewolf?

How romantic!

[laughing] Oh, come.

This is my boyfriend, Teddy.

He's a cyclops.

I'm the apple of his... eye.

How about if I sign you up

for your brother's delinquent class?

Now, if you show a marked improvement,

you could move up a level.

There's only one tiny problem.

There's no way Justin will let me in his class.

Ha, sweetie, he can argue all he wants,

but he can't argue with...

...the official stamp.

[horn blowing]

OK, everyone needs to be nice

to the Sophisticated Wizards Club.

They're an elite group, and we want Max to get in.

Oh, come on!

"Elite" just means a bunch of stuck-up snobs

who try to get by in life with

- their charm and good looks. - Hey.

Hello, I'm Fidel. Rack of lamb hat, correct?

What about it, fancy pants?

Most of the ladies I know aren't fashion-savvy enough

to wear such a prime cut of meat.

Oh! Oh, yeah, don't drink that.

I kind of washed my feet in it

before I knew you were so nice.

Mmm! This punch is delicious!

Back to our discussion on all things "wand."

Wand etiquette, wand history,

and alternative uses of the wand.

Well, how's this for your wand etiquette, Fidel?

Ah! My brain!

Someone shish-kabobbed my brain! [groans]

I'm just kidding. I made this wand.

You should've seen your face, dude.

You should've seen your face, dude.

Max, we have something to tell you.

Welcome to the club!

Yes! He's in!

Look at my face now! Look!

Now, the key to mastering a spell

is focusing your inner wizard

and summoning all your power.

It's a little something I like to call using the Force.

The Force? You ripped that off ofStar Wars.

Or did they rip it off from me?

And you ripped that off too!

[door opening]

All right, move over, delinquents.

I'm part of your class now.

What are you talking about?

This is how I'm gonna get back in the wizard competition.

So, where do I sit?

There's no way I'm gonna let you in my class.

Come on, Mr. Justin. Your sister's kind of cute.

Ah, thank you.

No way! She'll be disruptive,

she'll undermine me, and I have full authority

to deny her entry. Denied.

I have an enrollment slip.

- That means nothing. - Check out the stamp.

Not the official stamp!

[whispering] Take your seat, Miss Russo.

Apparently, we have a new student.

Alex Russo. No one talk to her.

Yeah, no one talk to me. I'm here to learn.

I really like your boots, by the way.

What's the difference between a corn and a bunion?

Can we get back to the morph spell, please?

Eyes up here. Now, who's going to morph into...

...let's say, Shaquille O'Neal,

one of the greatest footballers ever?

I'll do it! Ah, look at me.

I'm already the teacher's pet.

All right.

Morphus morpharium morfishplease Shaq.

[Justin] Close. That's a shack.

[sighs] Man, I'm really out of practice.

I do need this class.

Wow. She was even cute when she looked like an outhouse.

[all laughing]

My word, I'm Professor Crumbs.

I'm as old as dirt, and I have a family of geese

under my beard.

Just kidding. There's a chicken!

That's a wonderful imitation.

I'm so glad you're fitting in with us sophisticated young men.

Well, I fit in lots of places.

Especially my dad's gym bag.

He uses it when we go to the movies.

Jerry, when are they gonna make him more sophisticated?

This is how boys bond.

They break the ice by joking around,

then they'll get down to the sophisticated stuff.

Hmm. By the way,

I'm glad you finally found a good use for your gym bag.

Pardon us. Can I talk to you?

Looks like you're really fitting in with everybody.

That's good. But if you want to learn from these guys

you have to jump in on their wand discussions.

Yeah, Dad, I got plenty of wand stories.

Remember that time I lost my wand,

and we found it a year later when I got that X-ray?

You don't always have to start with the first story

that pops into your mind.

- OK? - [muted]

Oh, no. I seem to have gotten something on my robe.

This is how you charm your way through life.

Watch and learn.

[clears throat] Excuse me, Harper.

Do you know a facility nearby that can clean my robe?

Why don't you just use magic to clean it?

There's no delicate setting on my wand.

And I like things delicate. Like you.

Just stop it right now!

OK, give me your robe. I'll clean it for you.

Excellent. Gents, Harper here will be cleaning our robes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Wait a second! - Yes, wait.

You can't just saddle her with your robes.

You'll tarnish her beautiful personality.

Well, I really don't see the connection,

but it still sounded nice. All right, load me up, gents.

Why does she have to be in my class?

I'm gonna take a field trip to Monkey Island

and leave her there.

Oh, look.

The Sophisticated Wizards of the World.

You know something, guys, if I didn't lose my good standing

in the family competition, I'd be in your club.

I'd be the president of your club,

leading vibrant discussions

on commonly mispronounced spell words.

For instance, "hocus pocus"

properly pronounced, "hokoos pokoos."

Sounds like we're really missing out.

[laughs sarcastically]

Well, Justin, I'm sure you're far too busy

being the president of the "I'm losing the wizard competition club."

Now, why don't you go have a meeting.

[all laughing]

Enjoy this while you can, Max,

because I'm gonna catch up to you,

and then I'm gonna take your spot in this... club.

And then you can take my spot in my loser club.

That I don't have!

Max, we may have a problem.

Justin's not going to give up on the competition.

I know. Why does he want to win it so bad?

It's just a fantastic life of unlimited powers.

We like having you, Max.

We don't want Justin in the club.

He'll try to take my place as president,

and your brother is much too stodgy.

Fidel, he's not stodgy.

He may be uninteresting, formal, really boring...

Definitely not stodgy, though.

[all laughing]

We cannot lose this delightful fellow.

He's our own personal buffoon.

Listen, Max,

I'm going to let you in on a little known rule.

When you're this far ahead of your siblings,

you're permitted to move up the family wizard competition

to whatever date you want.

You might as well do it now, before Justin catches up to you.

You're right.

The sooner I win, the sooner I can use magic

to make big legs and only take two steps to school.

The laughs never stop with you.

Alex, why are you wasting my time?

You were supposed to turn into Justin Bieber,

not just a beaver.

[high voice] What went wrong? I said the spell correctly.

You were just going through the motions.

You gotta focus your inner wizard

and summon all your powers.

It can't just be 90 percent spell,

and 10 percent "Ooh, what's going on for TV tonight?"

Well, at eight o'clock, it's Kicked in Hysterical Places,

- then at nine... - See?

- There's no helping you. - Come on, Justin.

Please, I need to make a comeback in this competition.

And, hey, if I do better,

that means you've helped another delinquent wizard,

and that helps you, too.

You're right.

Maybe in a year we'll have enough points to catch up to Max.

All we need is a little time to raise our standings.

Hey, guys. So I moved up the final wizard competition

to Monday at 4pm.

Let's just get this thing done, right?

[both] What?!

I can't believe that Max moved up the final

wizard competition. Is that even legal?

Yeah, the competition code clearly states it.

Only Max can change the date back.

OK, don't worry about it. I'll...

I'll go talk to him. I can reason with him.

- Say that last sentence again. - I can reason with him.

I will distract him with something shiny.

If Max is the only one that can change the date back,

then that's what he's gonna do.

All right, concentrate. Pull my powers together.

Morphus morpharium morfishplease Max.

Whoa. I did the spell so well,

I'm even itchy in a lot of weird places, just like Max.

Harper, you're not ironing

all of their wizard robes, are you?

I think these boys are taking advantage of you.

They're not taking advantage of me.

They're paying me.

In compliments.

Listen, kid, you should be ashamed of yourself

- for taking advantage of... - Your lovely home?

Thank you for letting our group meet here.

It's as beautiful as your personality.

Oh! Thank you, Fidel.

Well, then, make yourself at home in my lovely home.

Excuse me.

See what I told you?

They want to serve us, they just don't know it.

Hey, um, I heard you talking to Mrs. Russo.

Are you taking advantage of me?

Because I'm the one with the beautiful personality, not her.

Harper, you both have equally beautiful personalities.

How does one compare a sunset to a rainbow?

Yep, he's taking advantage of me.

Huh.

All right, sophisticates.

Time to go out to the terrace for a breath of fresh air,

and some scintillating conversation

about the evolution of the wand.

Oh, cool, I know a lot about wands.

Oh, this should be funny.

Did you guys know that if you sit down with a wand in your pocket, it breaks?

Then you can order a new one,

but it takes six to eight weeks to arrive.

Wow, that wasn't very funny at all.

I wasn't really trying to be funny.

I was being scintillating.

You know, Max, you don't need to worry

about all of the club discussions.

Why don't you stay here and finish preparing your watermelon shoes?

That's a better use of everyone's time.

Max, what was that all about?

I don't know.

I guess they're just really excited to see my watermelon shoes.

Dad, Max changed the wizard competition to Monday.

Now, Alex and I have no chance of catching up.

- You did what?! - I moved it up.

The club thought it was a good idea.

Well, change it back.

Look, I came here to reason with you,

but I will give you an intimidating stare-down if I have to.

Justin, I'll handle this, OK?

It was the club's idea? Why would they do that?

[scoffs] Obvious reasons. I'm more sophisticated.

You're making watermelon shoes.

There's nothing sophisticated about that.

Ha! You blinked! I win! Yes!

Ha!

Max, I don't like that the club

had you change the competition date.

It's not fair to your brother and sister.

And they're not even letting you

participate in their discussions.

I'm starting to wonder why they even let you in the club.

Well, they like it when I make them laugh.

Yeah, it sounds like they're treating you like a clown.

You're right.

I'm not really a member of this club at all, am I?

I'm sorry, Dad.

I know how much you wanted me to be a Sophisticated Wizard.

No. No, no, no, no.

I'm the one who should be apologizing to you.

I don't want you to be like one of those jerks.

I want you to be just the way you are, Max.

- [sighing] - Look, forget about the club.

Really? Thanks,

'cause I was starting to run out of funny material.

I'm gonna do the right thing, Dad.

I'm gonna move the competition back.

Good for you, Max. I'm proud of you.

Hey. That's sophisticated.

Before I leave, can you do me a favor?

Strap on those watermelon shoes?

The guys are really looking forward to seeing them.

No problem.

I'll show them the watermelon.

Uh, excuse me? Sophisticated Club?

- Max quits! - [splatting]

Max, I don't understand.

You just had your family's wizard competition moved up

and now you want to move it back?

Yeah, it's just better for people

if they don't try to figure me out.

And my sister, Alex, is beautiful.

What?

Nothing. Just wanted to hear myself say that.

Another Max Russo?

What is going on?

[gasping]

Max, what are you doing here?

It's me, Justin.

I came here to change the competition back to its original preset date.

Wait. Max.

Girl clothes. Jewelry. Alex!

Yes, I came to change the date back, too.

You see, Helen, this was so important to me,

that I decided to come here twice to tell you.

Nice to see you again... Helen.

[giggling]

[magic door opening] Helen, I'm here

to change the date back to...

Hey, what am I already doing here?

That's what I'd like to know.

Helen, would you give us a moment?

Max, it's Justin and Alex.

Look, you weren't gonna change the competition back,

so we had to do something.

So, you turned yourself into me and went behind my back?

You actually went behind all three of my backs.

Justin, get him out of here! You guys are ruining my plan.

It was a dumb plan anyway.

- You had the same plan! - Right.

You know what? I'm keeping the wizard competition on Monday.

Nobody imitates me and gets away with it.

Except for that little guy I see when I look in a spoon.

What?

Change it back.

That didn't hurt. You should have thrown that board.

[grunting]

Let go, this is a new top!

Ugh, your body's sweating.

Gross. Now my shirt has pit stains.

You guys shouldn't mess with me.

I know my own weaknesses.

[both chanting at once]

- [shocked gasp] - Max?

What?

OK. I have no idea what just happened here,

- but Monday is off. - [both] Yes!

The original Russo family wizard competition date stands.

I think you two Maxes and the little girl

could use the time to work things out.

Why did she just say "little girl?"

- [laughing] - [nervous laughter]

Yes, we did it. We got the competition changed back.

Why did she say "little girl?"

Uh, we might've accidentally turned you into a little girl.

What?

Don't worry about it, I'll change you back.

Here's the brass tacks. Turn this girl back to Max.

There you go. You changed back.

You... You really do look great. You do.

The spell worked and you look good.

Thank you.

You know, I thought I was gonna be stuck like that.

Wait, why are my clothes so baggy?

And why do I have dainty little hands?

Why is my voice so high?

I'm sure I'm fine.

OK, so, apparently when Alex and I did our spells,

they collided and formed a mutant spell.

But, there's a test here to determine how long

until the spell wears off.

A test? I usually have time to study before I fail.

Blow into the Spell Detector.

[donkey braying]

- What does that noise mean? - She may be a little girl,

but she definitely has Max's donkey breath.

OK, so if it's a church bell,

that means the spell will last four days.

If it's a drum roll, that's one week.

If it's a donkey honk, it's...

...uh, indefinitely.

Looks like you're gonna be stuck like this for a while.

[scoffs, laughs]

You stay out of my closet.