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1982. That was the year I turned
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13. Before I was a comedian, I thought
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the coolest thing that would happen to me
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was being a teenager.
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I was going to have women, money, stay
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out late. I thought it was going to be
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the bomb.
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Boy, was I wrong. Chris!
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Get in the bathroom to wipe the pee off
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the toilet seat.
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Disgusting.
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When I was 13, my mother convinced my
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father to move us out of the project. She
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always said project is just another word
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for experiment. In a lab, the government
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gives rats cheese. In the projects, the
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government gives people cheese.
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Dad, can we stop at McDonald's?You got
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some McDonald's money?Julius, the kids
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have to eat. They ain't gotta eat
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McDonald's. You got some bologna in the
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back, I'll pull over. My father, Julius,
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always kept bologna handy just in case.
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We get one combo meal. Drew gets the
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burger, Tanya gets the fries, Chris, you
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can have a drink. One time, I just got
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iced.
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We moved to an apartment in Bed-Stuy,
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Brooklyn. Now, had we known that
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Bed-Stuy would be the center of a crack
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epidemic, I guess we would have picked
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someplace else. Bed Stuy
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even had its own motto. Bed Stuy, do or
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die. Look at that. Look at that. Look at
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that. Those are some of the guys that are
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gonna die. If I ever catch any of
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y'all spray-painting on anybody's wall,
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I'm gonna put my foot so far, you're
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behind, you'll have toes for teeth.
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Get inside. That's my mother, Rochelle.
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She had 100 recipes for whooping ass.
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Boy, I will slap the caps off your knees.
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I will knock you into last night. I will
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slap your name out the phone book and
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call Ma Bell and tell her I did it.
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That's my younger brother, Drew. There's
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nothing worse than having a little
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brother that's bigger than you. My
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sister, Tonya, was the youngest and would
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do anything to get me in trouble.
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Chris, clean that mess up. Tonya did it.
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Uh-uh. Did I ask you that?Since I
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was the oldest, I had to be the emergency
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adult. You smell smoke and you think the
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house is gonna catch fire. Get your
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brother and your sister and get out of
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here. If you smell gas and you think the
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house is gonna blow up, get your brother
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and your sister and get out of here. If
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you smell smoke and your brother catches
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on fire, get your sister and get out of
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here. Fortunately, the house never caught
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fire and neither did my brother. Mom, why
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is it that you and Tanya get to go to
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school in our own neighborhood?But I have
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to go all the way out to Brooklyn Beach.
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Brooklyn Beach was a poor Italian
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neighborhood on the other side of town.
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It was just like Bed Stuy. Take away the
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gangs, add the mob. Because the
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junior high school around here is like a
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hoodlum factory. Now those white kids,
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they get an education. Not a Harvard type
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education, just a not sticking up a
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liquor store type education. Hey, Dad.
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Hey, baby. Oh, ohh what's up, Dad?
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Hey, Daddy. Hey, baby. Tanya was my
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father's favorite. What's wrong with your
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oatmeal?Chris made it too lumpy.
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And she knew it. You don't have to eat
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it. I know you're not gonna throw that
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away. Eat that.
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That's 30 cent worth of oatmeal. My
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father always knew what everything cost.
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That's $1.09 in the trash.
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That's $2.00 on fire.
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That's 49 cent of spilt milk dripping
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all over my table. Somebody gonna drink
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this milk. Baby, did you see
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this?Well, I paid this.
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It says you paid half. I know. I gave you
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all the money. How come you only paid
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half the bill?I cannot even believe that
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you're asking me that. Just asking you a
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question. I'm trying to find out what's
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going on. No, you're not. You're
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questioning my judgment. You act like
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there's not a big red bill sitting on the
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table. OK. Fine. You do it
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later. I will. OK. I am. Good.
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Fine. Fine. My parents taught me love is
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never having to say, Kiss my ass. Where
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the stamps at?I was
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never cool growing up. The coolest thing
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about me was this pale white sneakers I
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had. Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
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noBoy, you are not going to school with
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no sneakers. Believe it or not, there was
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a time when you couldn't wear sneakers
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everywhere. Why?Everybody else wears
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sneakers. Because you look raggedy. And
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plus, you have an assembly today. Boy,
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you know, lost your mind. My mother hated
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raggedy. She always said it's better to
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be poor and neat than rich and raggedy. I
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think she said that because we were poor.
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Here. Wear Drew's
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good shoes. I hate these
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shoes. And everybody will make fun of me
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at school. You've only been gone there
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for a week. You don't know everybody. I
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was the only black kid at the school.
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They know me.
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This is so embarrassing. How come he's
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wearing my shoes?Cuz you only have one
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pair of feet. But Chris, don't fool
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around after school. I need you to be
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here to let Drew and Tonya in. OK?You
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won't be here. No, I got to work today.
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But you know the drill. Yeah, yeah, I
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know. I knowDaddy's gonna be asleep and
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don't wake him up till 5:00. That's
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right. Chris. You got
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your bus pass?Yeah, um.. somewhere,
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honey. Mm-hmmYou keep on.
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You lose this bus pass, and your behind's
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gonna be walking to
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school. Oh. Here's $2 for lunch. Thanks.
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All right. Y'all be good. Bye,
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mommy. Bye, baby. Hold your sister's
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hand. Don't go on the street. That girl
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thinks that she's
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so good Keisha was the girl next door.
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At 13, I didn't know a lot about sex, but
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I knew she had something to do with it.
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Hey, Drew. Drew. What's up, Keisha?
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You know her?Yeah.
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Drew was so cool, he got girls at 10 that
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I couldn't get until I was 30. Listen,
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when y'all get to the house, don't ring
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the bell or knock on the door. Just wait,
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OK?Whatever. What if I had to go to the
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bathroom?Go to school. That bathroom is
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so nasty. Listen. you wake up
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Daddy, he's gonna punch me square in the
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face. If he does that, I'm gonna punch
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you in the face. And then he's gonna kill
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me and wind up in jail. Now, do you want
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Daddy to go to jail?No. NoAll
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right, then. Even when
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my mother got mad, she still made my
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dad's dinner. This is on my mind.
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Vegetables, potatoes, and his favorite, a
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big piece of chicken.
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I had to take two buses to school every
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day. Was the junior high school across
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the street really that bad?
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Much like rock and roll, school shootings
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were also invented by blacks and stolen
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by the white men. My first
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bus was the 26. I read the
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newspaper every single day. I learned
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more on the way to school than I learned
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at school.
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My next bus was the 44. I was the
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only black person on the bus, and nobody
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would sit next to me. I mean, nobody.
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If you think she's mad now, wait till her
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daughter brings home OJ.
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My mother thought going to a white school
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meant I would get a better education and
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I would be safer. Wrong.
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That's Joey Caruso, a little thug with a
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big chip on his shoulder. You know, I
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managed to avoid himbefore I wore these
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shoes. Nice
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shoes, Bojangles.
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Bojangles?That's not what your mother
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called me when I was tap dancing in her
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drawers last night.
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I know you think I'm crazy, but if I let
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him get away with that, he'd be doing it
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all year. Now, I couldn't beat him, but I
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thought maybe I could out-black him.
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What?Did I stutter?Do
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you know who I am?You step on my shoe
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again, I'm going to tell you who I am.
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I don't play that. I'm from Bed-stop,
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boy. I'll bring half of Marcy up in here.
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I will beat your butt so bad you're going
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to need crutches in your sleep. Hey, this
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might work. You know what else I'm going
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to do?What's your name?
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Chris. I'm Doctor Raymond, your new
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principal. I get off my feet.
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That's funny. That's not funny.
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What's your name, son?Caruso. Pick
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yourself up next time you come to my
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school. See
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those shoes?They say something.
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They say I'm a student. I want to learn.
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I want more of that
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and less of this.
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Don't bump into me again.
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Even though Caruso was messing with me,
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getting embarrassed made him even madder.
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Hey, you really from Bedside Do or Die?
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Yeah. You ever been shot?No.
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Well, at least not yet. I'm Greg.
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I'm Chris. Greg Williger wasn't my first
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choice for a friend, but mutual
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ass-kicking seemed to bring people
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together. Cool shoes. Thanks.
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You know, if that was the new principal,
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who's the old one?I didn't touch her!
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No, no, no, what you're talking about?Ask
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any... Mr. Palmer was accused of doing
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something that we can't tell you about
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because of the network census. The school
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settled the lawsuit out of court, and
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he's not allowed to teach anymore. If he
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moves to your neighborhood, you'll get a
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warning. Back at home,
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my father should have been in bed, but
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he'd rather lose sleep than money.
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What are you doing?I'm paying the bills.
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See, it says $40. I'm paying $40. And
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that's exactly why I don't let you pay
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the bills.
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Where are you going?To work. Is Chris
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gonna be home in town to wake me up?Can I
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see in the future?What's wrong with you?
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probably can see in the future.
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By lunchtime, I was starving. I'm gonna
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go get a hot dog. I'll get a slice of
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pizza.
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Give me back my bus pass. If you want it,
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take it.
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After school, Satchmo.
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After school, I had a plan. This is
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crazy. Man, it's a school fight. School
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fights only last a minute, 'cause
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somebody always comes and breaks them up.
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All I have to do is get in the first
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punch. Somebody will stop it. Fight!
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Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
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Fight! Fight! Fight! What are you waiting
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for?Cornbread.
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This should be over any minute.
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Come on, man. Come on. I got a schedule.
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00:12:59,240 --> 00:12:59,720
Let's go, man.
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00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:04,040
There's a kid trying to catch me. Yeah,
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00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:06,600
yeah, I know. I see you. Hey, wait, wait,
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00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,600
wait, wait
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00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,440
Ow! Ow!
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00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,360
Bet you don't get me tomorrow. I bet I
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00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,120
do. You do. I got close enough. Cut that
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00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:17,1000
off, you bunch of hoots. Back off.
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00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,480
I was still hungry, but I was almost
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00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:26,240
home. What could go wrong now?
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00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,480
Daddy! Daddy!
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00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,120
Daddy! That girl's trying to get me
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00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:33,640
killed. Daddy! Daddy!
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00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,800
Girl, you want daddy to go to jail?I told
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00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:40,400
her to quit. I have to go to the
276
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,160
bathroom. I told you to go to school.
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00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:43,560
That bathroom is nasty.
278
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:49,840
Listen, we're going in. But once we get
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00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:51,920
in, I don't want to hear any noise. None.
280
00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:53,840
Do you understand?Yes.
281
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,360
My father always slept in his uniform.
282
00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:11,440
That way, when he woke up, he'd be ready
283
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:11,840
to go.
284
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:17,600
I pay bills. I pay the bills.
285
00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:34,360
You may not think messing up a pair of
286
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:36,320
$40 shoes is such a big deal, but you
287
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:38,080
have to realize that my father's car only
288
00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:40,880
cost $65. I had to get those shoes
289
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:41,240
clean.
290
00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:11,360
For the first time that day, things were
291
00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:12,160
going all right.
292
00:15:17,590 --> 00:15:19,510
All I had to do now was keep everybody
293
00:15:19,510 --> 00:15:20,950
quiet till five o'clock.
294
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:33,680
Dad?Dad.
295
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:38,280
Time to get up. It's
296
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,320
5 o'clock?Yep.
297
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:44,840
59. No. No
298
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,440
What job am I going to?You're driving a
299
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:52,160
truck?
300
00:16:01,1000 --> 00:16:04,920
Hello?Hey, hey, baby. It's Mommy. Is
301
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,920
your father out?Yep. Good, good, goodTake
302
00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:09,760
his plate out of the refrigerator and put
303
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,960
it in the oven for him. What, Blake?The
304
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:13,240
one with the big piece of chicken.
305
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:30,480
Haven't I told you, do not eat the
306
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:33,200
big piece of chicken. Well, I was still
307
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,200
hungry. My mother wasn't really mad at
308
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,160
me. She was looking out for my father.
309
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,320
You see how big he is?She didn't want him
310
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:40,1000
to go to work hungry, 'cause if he goes
311
00:16:40,1000 --> 00:16:42,960
to work hungry, then he'll be grouchy.
312
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:44,640
And if he's grouchy, he might call his
313
00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:46,480
boss cracker. And if he calls his boss
314
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:47,1000
cracker, then we're living in the
315
00:16:47,1000 --> 00:16:50,960
projects again. But do not eat
316
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:54,280
the biggest piece of chicken.
317
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,280
Do you understand?
318
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:03,880
Well, at least you didn't mess up your
319
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:04,560
school shoes.
320
00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:11,120
Well, come over here and give me some
321
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:11,520
sugar.
322
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:17,600
Come on. I'm gonna go to bed.
323
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:24,080
Rachelle. What?
324
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:26,720
Look, I'm not trying to tell you what to
325
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:29,040
do, but I'm working hard trying to pay
326
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:30,520
for this place. You know that?Just
327
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:32,160
because you make money doesn't mean you
328
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:34,040
know how to spend it. You got to know how
329
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:36,800
to work the system. What system?The
330
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,680
debt system. I run this house like they
331
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:42,600
run the country on a deficit. Rent is
332
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,520
doing the burn. I don't pay till the 9th
333
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:45,840
because you don't get your check till the
334
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:48,200
7th. If you pay the light bill now, I
335
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:49,680
won't have money for the groceries, the
336
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:51,120
rent will be late, and then you'll have
337
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:52,400
to work overtime. You want to work
338
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,160
overtime again, Julius?No, I don't think
339
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,480
so. If we don't owe people money, we
340
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:57,760
won't have any money at all.
341
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,280
Ohh Why didn't you just say that then?
342
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:07,120
Because you didn't ask.
343
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,800
Baby. Don't, baby.
344
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:17,560
Come here. I'm sorry.
345
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:18,560
Okay?Who
346
00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:23,280
told you to open the mail anyway?
347
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,280
Come here, Pookie. You know, last time
348
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,240
you said Pookie, I got pregnant. You
349
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:31,800
always my Pookie. No Pookie. Mmm. Okay, a
350
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:34,880
little bit of Pookie. I love you. I
351
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:35,920
love you too, baby.
352
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:42,160
My dad always checked on us in between
353
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:45,040
jobs. His night job and his late at night
354
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:46,560
job. Dad?
355
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,200
Hey, man. I thought you were asleep.
356
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:53,120
I'm sorry you ate the big piece of
357
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:55,560
chicken. That was 89 cent worth of
358
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:57,720
chicken. What, you didn't get enough to
359
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,520
eat at school?I was still hungry. Nah,
360
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:03,200
I'm still hungry. Look,
361
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,360
next time, eat a little something extra
362
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:06,760
at breakfast, okay?Okay
363
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:11,200
Yeah. But don't go pulling this money
364
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,040
out. Somebody try to rob you.
365
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:15,840
Don't tell your mother about this.
366
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,960
Everything okay at school?I didn't tell
367
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,120
him about the fight. My dad went to
368
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:25,680
school during the civil rights era. After
369
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,960
hoses, tanks, and the dog bites on your
370
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,880
ass, somehow Joey Caruso didn't compare.
371
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,320
Yeah, it was all right.
372
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:38,840
Good. I'll see you in the morning. My
373
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,800
father wasn't the type to say, I love
374
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,160
you. He was one of four fathers on the
375
00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:45,400
block. I'll see you in the morning meant
376
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,680
he was coming home. Coming home was his
377
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:50,640
way of saying, I love you. Unplug
378
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:52,240
that clock, boy. You can't tell time when
379
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:54,560
you sleep. It's two cents an hour.
380
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,560
What the hell happened to my town?
26358
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