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1
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,150
Come, come to me, mi hijo.
2
00:00:43,740 --> 00:00:45,820
Tiffani, you are crying.
3
00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:47,820
Why, my darling?
4
00:00:48,820 --> 00:00:51,740
Oh, Ernesto, it's just...
5
00:00:51,740 --> 00:00:54,280
I've been with so many men.
6
00:00:54,450 --> 00:00:56,150
Have there been many?
7
00:00:57,900 --> 00:00:59,400
No.
8
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:02,150
It will not matter
if you have been with millions of men.
9
00:01:02,150 --> 00:01:03,650
Well, you're getting warm.
10
00:01:03,650 --> 00:01:07,030
With other men it's just sex.
11
00:01:07,030 --> 00:01:11,700
Random trashy sex that goes on for days.
12
00:01:11,700 --> 00:01:15,900
But with you, I will finally make love.
13
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:27,610
Oh, Ernesto, I totally love you.
14
00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:30,860
I want to make many children.
15
00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,900
Yes, children.
16
00:01:35,650 --> 00:01:37,900
Put children in me now!
17
00:01:38,900 --> 00:01:40,950
Fuck me now!
18
00:01:42,860 --> 00:01:45,110
Harder, Ernesto, come on.
19
00:01:45,490 --> 00:01:47,740
Oh,
20
00:01:47,740 --> 00:01:49,860
yes, fuck me like a day laborer.
21
00:01:50,150 --> 00:01:52,650
Yeah, baby, take me from behind.
22
00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:56,740
Use me, treat me like a fuck machine.
23
00:01:56,740 --> 00:01:59,400
Rarrr, rarrr, rarrr!
24
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:00,150
In the butt?
25
00:02:00,150 --> 00:02:01,610
Yes, in the butt, now.
26
00:02:01,610 --> 00:02:03,070
Tiffani, we must stop.
27
00:02:03,070 --> 00:02:05,900
If you stop I'll rip off your dick
and shove it in there myself.
28
00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:08,150
Tiffani, we're in a coffin.
29
00:02:09,070 --> 00:02:10,110
Shut up,
30
00:02:10,110 --> 00:02:11,820
you're ruining my fantasy.
31
00:02:11,820 --> 00:02:12,780
Tiffani.
32
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:15,240
Shit, my speech.
33
00:02:17,780 --> 00:02:19,530
Gracias, Ernesto.
34
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:23,280
I love funerals.
35
00:02:43,860 --> 00:02:45,950
Kyle and Mark loved life,
36
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:48,530
and that's why we're here today.
37
00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:54,700
My son was so proud of his homosexuality
38
00:02:54,700 --> 00:02:57,900
that he would want you all to know
exactly how he died.
39
00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:02,240
My son rocketed off this mortal coil
40
00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:05,740
at 80 miles an hour
down the Ronald Regan freeway
41
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,950
while giving the man he loved a blowjob.
42
00:03:09,700 --> 00:03:13,200
According to the autopsy report,
43
00:03:14,780 --> 00:03:17,780
as Mark began to bust a nut,
44
00:03:18,950 --> 00:03:23,030
Celine Dion's tour bus appeared going
in the wrong direction.
45
00:03:23,610 --> 00:03:27,400
Upon impact, my boys came together.
46
00:03:29,070 --> 00:03:30,610
And they died together,
47
00:03:31,450 --> 00:03:33,070
doing what they loved.
48
00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:36,110
Amen.
49
00:03:40,610 --> 00:03:44,360
Kyle's best friend, Tiffani Vanderslut,
50
00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:46,650
has prepared a special tribute.
51
00:03:47,570 --> 00:03:50,650
I wouldn't call us best friends exactly.
52
00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:09,030
This number goes out to you, Kyle
53
00:04:10,110 --> 00:04:11,240
and Mark.
54
00:04:11,570 --> 00:04:13,360
Kinda sucks they're dead, huh?
55
00:04:14,900 --> 00:04:17,780
I remember the time
Kyle pretended to be straight
56
00:04:17,780 --> 00:04:20,320
for my ex boyfriend, Troy,
57
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,030
who made him eat my pussy.
58
00:04:22,610 --> 00:04:24,700
And then everything went...
59
00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:30,320
Well,
maybe that's not an appropriate memory.
60
00:04:31,900 --> 00:04:33,150
And Mark.
61
00:04:33,570 --> 00:04:35,780
Actually I hardly knew you
62
00:04:35,780 --> 00:04:38,320
but whatever, thanks for coming.
63
00:04:42,570 --> 00:04:46,200
Here's a little diddy
I learned in Girl Scouts.
64
00:04:46,610 --> 00:04:50,570
I had to look up the lyrics online.
65
00:05:01,740 --> 00:05:08,650
Cum-ba-ya, my lord, cum-by-ya.
66
00:05:08,900 --> 00:05:15,570
Cum-ba-ya, my lord, cum-by-ya.
67
00:05:17,700 --> 00:05:24,070
Cum-ba-ya, my lord, cum-by-ya.
68
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:29,900
Oh lord, cum-by-ya.
69
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:46,990
Someone's praying, my lord, cum-by-ya.
70
00:05:46,990 --> 00:05:50,150
Oh lord, cum-by-ya.
71
00:05:50,490 --> 00:05:55,740
Someone's praying, my lord, cum-by-ya.
72
00:05:55,740 --> 00:05:59,990
Someone's squirming, my lord, cum-by-ya.
73
00:05:59,990 --> 00:06:03,570
Someone's horny, my lord, cum-by-ya.
74
00:06:03,950 --> 00:06:06,700
Oh yes, my lord!
75
00:06:07,740 --> 00:06:10,450
Cum-by-ya.
76
00:06:10,450 --> 00:06:14,650
Oh, God, it's so hard, I just need to...
77
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:16,070
pray.
78
00:06:25,570 --> 00:06:28,150
Lord, hear our prayer.
79
00:06:29,070 --> 00:06:30,450
I'm gonna love this town.
80
00:06:39,490 --> 00:06:40,610
It isn't much,
81
00:06:40,610 --> 00:06:42,780
but I can give you
a good deal on the rent.
82
00:06:42,780 --> 00:06:44,070
It's perfection.
83
00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:45,450
You haven't seen it.
84
00:06:45,450 --> 00:06:47,740
It's near my Aunt,
what more could I want?
85
00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:49,820
Well, it is furnished
86
00:06:50,900 --> 00:06:52,860
and it'll be nice to have family around.
87
00:06:52,860 --> 00:06:54,530
Thank you, Aunt Helen.
88
00:06:57,240 --> 00:07:00,280
I just wish you and Kyle
could've spent more time together.
89
00:07:01,820 --> 00:07:03,400
Did he know you were a mo?
90
00:07:04,450 --> 00:07:09,450
Uh... I didn't know I was a mo
until like a year ago.
91
00:07:09,450 --> 00:07:11,070
Color me, Britney.
92
00:07:11,070 --> 00:07:14,320
I always thought you were gayer
than a midnight screening of Showgirls.
93
00:07:15,030 --> 00:07:17,320
I was one of those clueless gays.
94
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:18,610
Everyone knew but me.
95
00:07:18,610 --> 00:07:20,900
So when did you finally
get your man-cherry popped?
96
00:07:20,900 --> 00:07:23,650
Aunt Helen!
You don't wanna hear about that.
97
00:07:23,650 --> 00:07:25,030
Of course I do.
98
00:07:25,030 --> 00:07:26,950
I wouldn't be a good aunt if I didn't.
99
00:07:30,570 --> 00:07:32,570
696? Is that local?
100
00:07:32,570 --> 00:07:35,450
Well, I gave your number to
that slut from the funeral, Tiffani.
101
00:07:35,990 --> 00:07:37,610
Oh, I love her.
102
00:07:37,610 --> 00:07:38,780
Kyle adored her.
103
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:42,570
And, well, I thought
you might need some new friends,
104
00:07:42,570 --> 00:07:44,400
even if they are loser whores.
105
00:07:45,110 --> 00:07:45,990
Hello?
106
00:07:45,990 --> 00:07:48,240
Casey, Casey.
107
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:49,320
Hey, Tiffani.
108
00:07:49,740 --> 00:07:51,150
How did you know it was me?
109
00:07:51,150 --> 00:07:53,740
I remembered your sultry voice
form the funeral.
110
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:56,240
Compliments will get you nowhere
unless you're straight.
111
00:07:57,030 --> 00:07:58,280
And hung like Mr. T.
112
00:07:58,280 --> 00:07:59,570
Damn and damn.
113
00:07:59,570 --> 00:08:01,740
As I thought.
114
00:08:01,740 --> 00:08:03,110
Your aunt tells me you need a job,
115
00:08:03,110 --> 00:08:06,900
why don't you get your faggoty ass down
to 4255 Hawthorne Lane.
116
00:08:06,900 --> 00:08:08,950
You are such a stud.
117
00:08:08,950 --> 00:08:09,900
I know.
118
00:08:11,860 --> 00:08:13,990
Where have you been
sticking these things?
119
00:08:16,860 --> 00:08:18,820
Go on, go get your tramp on.
120
00:08:18,820 --> 00:08:19,900
Thank you, Aunt Helen.
121
00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:25,240
Okay, go.
122
00:08:29,070 --> 00:08:31,740
I am the coolest adult in the world.
123
00:08:37,860 --> 00:08:39,950
Oh, Kyle...
124
00:08:43,860 --> 00:08:45,400
My little queen.
125
00:09:00,900 --> 00:09:04,530
Nail Me, we do nails. With release!
126
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:08,360
No, I'm kidding,
127
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,740
I mean, unless you're a really hot guy.
Are you?
128
00:09:12,070 --> 00:09:14,700
Well, I'm sorry you don't find
my brand of humor...
129
00:09:16,820 --> 00:09:19,860
Well, I'm sorry I offended
your Christian sensibility,
130
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:22,150
but if you worship a guy
who was hung on a cross,
131
00:09:22,150 --> 00:09:24,200
nails should be
the last thing on your mind.
132
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:28,860
Who needs customer like her anyway.
133
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,490
Let me introduce you to the girls.
134
00:09:38,110 --> 00:09:40,610
Pam, Candy.
135
00:10:00,070 --> 00:10:01,990
They said they can't wait
to get to know you.
136
00:10:01,990 --> 00:10:03,240
Cool.
137
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:04,820
Tell them I feel the same way.
138
00:10:15,950 --> 00:10:18,900
Basically, you sweep up,
take phone calls
139
00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:20,400
and do whatever we say.
140
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:21,740
Can you handle that?
141
00:10:21,740 --> 00:10:23,400
Is Madonna awesome?
142
00:10:25,150 --> 00:10:27,110
Okay. Well the job's yours anyway,
143
00:10:27,110 --> 00:10:29,740
but there's one little catch.
144
00:10:29,740 --> 00:10:32,240
You have to come with me
to this event thingy.
145
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:34,860
I love event thingies.
146
00:10:34,860 --> 00:10:35,700
You try too hard. Come on.
147
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:37,820
Right now? What about work?
148
00:10:37,820 --> 00:10:39,110
Fuck them.
149
00:10:39,110 --> 00:10:40,570
Fuck you, too.
150
00:10:40,570 --> 00:10:41,490
Hand.
151
00:10:44,610 --> 00:10:47,450
What are we doing here?
I don't like places like this.
152
00:10:47,450 --> 00:10:49,740
Me neither,
but they have this fundraiser
153
00:10:49,740 --> 00:10:52,570
where they auction off dates
with shirtless beefcakes.
154
00:10:52,570 --> 00:10:54,650
Nudity and open bar.
155
00:10:54,650 --> 00:10:56,650
You're taking me to that?!
156
00:10:56,650 --> 00:10:59,700
No, it's in two weeks.
And you're taking me.
157
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,990
Kyle was going to,
but, you know, he's dead.
158
00:11:01,990 --> 00:11:04,780
So you're going to volunteer
and get us free tickets.
159
00:11:05,070 --> 00:11:07,530
But I'm so not a hot shirtless man.
160
00:11:07,530 --> 00:11:10,740
You're hardly a man,
no one would pay for you,
161
00:11:10,740 --> 00:11:12,650
you'll help out behind the scenes.
162
00:11:12,650 --> 00:11:13,990
-Why would I do that?
-I gave you that job
163
00:11:13,990 --> 00:11:15,780
and I can replace you with an immigrant,
like that!
164
00:11:15,780 --> 00:11:19,360
Okay, okay, it's just that
I'm not into the whole gay scene.
165
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:22,450
Welcome to the whole gay scene.
166
00:11:23,070 --> 00:11:24,610
Are you kids here to volunteer?
167
00:11:24,950 --> 00:11:26,570
I'm not but Casey is.
168
00:11:26,570 --> 00:11:28,030
Fabulous.
169
00:11:28,030 --> 00:11:31,490
Darling,
you're shaking like a little Chihuahua.
170
00:11:32,070 --> 00:11:35,780
Don't be nervous, I don't bite...much.
171
00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:39,280
He's never volunteered before.
172
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:40,740
Oh, a virgin.
173
00:11:40,740 --> 00:11:42,610
If you don't count anal.
174
00:11:42,610 --> 00:11:45,570
Well, either way,
fill out this paperwork
175
00:11:45,570 --> 00:11:49,400
and then I'll have Zack,
our volunteer coordinator, meet with you
176
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:53,450
and figure out which position
you'd be most comfortable in.
177
00:11:53,900 --> 00:11:55,360
So to speak.
178
00:11:56,700 --> 00:11:58,530
That's why I don't like these places.
179
00:11:58,530 --> 00:12:01,150
They're full of these old horn dogs
looking to get laid.
180
00:12:01,150 --> 00:12:02,990
Jesus. Lay off the fox news.
181
00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:03,900
No, really,
182
00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:07,570
I always hear 'the gay community' this,
the 'gay community' that.
183
00:12:07,570 --> 00:12:11,070
But all I see are a bunch of
drunk assholes looking for sex,
184
00:12:11,070 --> 00:12:13,150
who don't care anything
about relationships.
185
00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:15,650
Excuse me, Maria full of grace,
186
00:12:15,650 --> 00:12:18,400
but that doesn't sound any different
than any straight bar.
187
00:12:18,900 --> 00:12:20,900
Drunk sweaty men.
188
00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:22,360
Drooling, groping,
189
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:25,400
pressing their manhood all up
190
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:28,490
against your supple ass
on the dance floor.
191
00:12:28,490 --> 00:12:30,700
God, you are gayer than I am.
192
00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:31,490
Honey,
193
00:12:31,950 --> 00:12:34,900
I'm gayer than a Kevin Spacey
Anderson Cooper chicken wrap,
194
00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:36,110
and what's wrong with that?
195
00:12:36,110 --> 00:12:37,700
Nothing, it's just...
196
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:41,240
I'm disappointed at
how sex-centric the gay community is.
197
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:44,200
It's called homosexual,
not homo-hug-ual,
198
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:45,070
what did you expect?
199
00:12:45,490 --> 00:12:46,700
Romance?
200
00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:50,320
I want to travel the world on scooters,
adopt children.
201
00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:51,950
Children are just abortions that eat.
202
00:12:51,950 --> 00:12:53,700
You know what? Forget it,
203
00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:56,070
I am not signing that stupid...
204
00:12:57,740 --> 00:12:59,450
Oh, my fuck.
205
00:13:14,740 --> 00:13:15,820
I see you got your paperwork.
206
00:13:15,820 --> 00:13:19,490
Uh, yeah... just let me sign it.
207
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:22,110
Cool.
208
00:13:23,490 --> 00:13:24,150
Jonathan?
209
00:13:24,150 --> 00:13:25,530
Uh, Casey.
210
00:13:25,530 --> 00:13:27,200
Oh, I'm Zack.
211
00:13:27,860 --> 00:13:28,740
This is Tandy.
212
00:13:28,740 --> 00:13:30,070
I'm his best friend.
213
00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:31,490
That's so funny,
214
00:13:31,490 --> 00:13:34,070
I'm here with my best friend, Tiffani.
215
00:13:34,740 --> 00:13:36,780
No, I'm more like your boss.
216
00:13:36,780 --> 00:13:38,860
Wow, best friends with T names.
217
00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:41,490
Yeah, we should like form a club.
218
00:13:41,490 --> 00:13:43,990
Excuse me, I gotta go take a shit.
219
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:46,740
I'll come with.
220
00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:51,200
So you're comfortable
taking off your clothes?
221
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:51,950
What?
222
00:13:51,950 --> 00:13:54,950
Oh, I just assumed you were volunteering
to be one of the studs in the male sale.
223
00:13:54,950 --> 00:13:59,820
I'm clearly not a... stud.
224
00:13:59,820 --> 00:14:01,820
Are you a...a stud?
225
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:03,950
I mean in the male sale?
226
00:14:03,950 --> 00:14:05,650
Yes, I'm in the auction.
227
00:14:05,650 --> 00:14:07,820
But I sorta do everything around here.
228
00:14:07,820 --> 00:14:10,530
So, wow,
229
00:14:11,070 --> 00:14:13,110
how'd you get into volunteering?
230
00:14:13,110 --> 00:14:15,200
I'm running credit
for this faggotry studies class
231
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:17,030
and it's a good way to meet people.
232
00:14:17,030 --> 00:14:18,740
Totally good way.
233
00:14:18,740 --> 00:14:21,240
Well, they look like
they're getting along.
234
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,570
I guess we have to pretend
to like each other now.
235
00:14:25,110 --> 00:14:26,990
Wow, you're really good at it.
236
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:29,450
What are some of your skills?
237
00:14:29,450 --> 00:14:30,150
Huh?
238
00:14:30,150 --> 00:14:31,820
Things you can do to help
with the auction?
239
00:14:31,820 --> 00:14:33,530
Since we can't sell you.
240
00:14:34,780 --> 00:14:38,740
Well... what are your skills?
241
00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:40,400
Brochures, visual stuff,
242
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,240
I'm an art major.
I design all the posters here.
243
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:45,570
I can't even make a smiley
on my cellphone.
244
00:14:46,610 --> 00:14:47,610
Can you write?
245
00:14:48,150 --> 00:14:49,650
Does texting count?
246
00:14:49,650 --> 00:14:52,200
Maybe you could write the copy
for one of the flyers I'm designing.
247
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:53,400
We could work on it together.
248
00:14:53,990 --> 00:14:55,650
I'd love to.
249
00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:57,200
Can I get your number?
250
00:14:57,650 --> 00:14:58,570
Really?
251
00:14:58,570 --> 00:15:01,200
Yeah, you didn't write it on your form.
252
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,400
Oh, yeah.
253
00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:05,240
Do you know the Blue Dahlia Café?
254
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,150
Uh, yeah.
255
00:15:07,150 --> 00:15:09,700
Let's meet there tomorrow at 4:00.
We'll put you to work.
256
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:11,570
Okay, well, here's my number
257
00:15:11,570 --> 00:15:13,950
and you can have it too,
if you want to...
258
00:15:13,950 --> 00:15:14,900
Zack!
259
00:15:22,740 --> 00:15:24,610
Can we leave this dump already?
260
00:15:24,610 --> 00:15:27,070
I can feel the troll sucking
our youth away.
261
00:15:27,070 --> 00:15:28,030
Lionel.
262
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:29,570
This is my boyfriend.
263
00:15:29,570 --> 00:15:31,570
Oh, great.
264
00:15:32,030 --> 00:15:34,700
Me, you, talk in private. Now.
265
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:35,740
Excuse us.
266
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:39,110
You didn't have to come
if you're gonna be like this.
267
00:15:39,110 --> 00:15:41,780
You're the one complaining we never get
to spend enough time together.
268
00:15:41,780 --> 00:15:43,490
Well, here I am.
269
00:15:43,490 --> 00:15:44,490
With your friends.
270
00:15:44,490 --> 00:15:47,740
Hey. We're letting you auction us off
for this dump.
271
00:15:47,740 --> 00:15:48,740
Be grateful.
272
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:50,570
Let's get out of here.
273
00:15:50,570 --> 00:15:52,200
I'm signed up for another hour.
274
00:15:52,700 --> 00:15:54,070
I'll fucking cover for you.
275
00:15:54,070 --> 00:15:55,240
You don't have to do that.
276
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:56,570
Oh, but I want to.
277
00:15:56,570 --> 00:15:59,530
Besides, fleabag here gives me a rash.
278
00:15:59,900 --> 00:16:01,740
But I wasn't anywhere near your pussy.
279
00:16:02,450 --> 00:16:04,490
Get him the fuck out of here.
280
00:16:04,490 --> 00:16:05,700
Thanks, Tandy.
281
00:16:06,860 --> 00:16:07,990
See you soon, buddy.
282
00:16:08,450 --> 00:16:10,360
Yeah, sounds....
283
00:16:12,070 --> 00:16:13,570
Like that'll happen.
284
00:16:13,570 --> 00:16:15,650
He's sweet, nice, and hot.
285
00:16:15,650 --> 00:16:16,990
Of course he's taken.
286
00:16:16,990 --> 00:16:20,570
Nah, he's just ass-pussy whipped.
They won't last long.
287
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:21,990
Buddy.
288
00:16:27,650 --> 00:16:28,950
Don't take it so personally.
289
00:16:28,950 --> 00:16:31,900
Why are we together,
we don't like doing the same things.
290
00:16:32,570 --> 00:16:33,610
We like doing the same.
291
00:16:33,610 --> 00:16:34,900
Swallowing doesn't count.
292
00:16:34,900 --> 00:16:36,950
Swallowing counts. It's extra credit.
293
00:16:36,950 --> 00:16:39,400
It's been six months
and I still feel you're pulling away.
294
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,740
Because you're always clinging on to me.
295
00:16:41,740 --> 00:16:44,610
What do you expect? You won't even
call us boyfriends in public.
296
00:16:44,990 --> 00:16:46,700
You know you want me inside you.
297
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:52,200
No. I'm mad,
I'm not happy with how things are going.
298
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,400
You're good at one thing.
299
00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:57,280
Lionel.
300
00:16:57,610 --> 00:16:58,700
You're great at it.
301
00:17:00,070 --> 00:17:01,320
Please, don't.
302
00:17:08,780 --> 00:17:10,450
I can't believe I'm doing this.
303
00:17:11,450 --> 00:17:12,650
Please stop.
304
00:17:20,570 --> 00:17:21,820
I don't want to do this.
305
00:17:28,610 --> 00:17:29,740
I don't wanna....
306
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:31,700
Oh...
307
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:34,280
Oh, yeah.
308
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:36,490
No one does it better than you.
309
00:17:41,650 --> 00:17:44,360
You can cling on to
that anytime you like, snuggle bear.
310
00:17:44,740 --> 00:17:46,240
We're through, get out.
311
00:17:46,700 --> 00:17:47,780
Can I at least come first?
312
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,570
Get out!
313
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:52,570
Come on.
314
00:17:53,650 --> 00:17:54,900
Are you ready to say goodbye to this?
315
00:17:54,900 --> 00:17:57,070
I'll slam the door on it
if you don't get the fuck out.
316
00:17:57,950 --> 00:18:00,280
Good luck trying to find someone
as hot as me.
317
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,240
I'm gonna come right here
on your front door.
318
00:18:07,740 --> 00:18:09,740
Yeah, you know you wish
you were sucking this.
319
00:18:10,450 --> 00:18:11,740
What am I doing?
320
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:14,240
Oh yeah.
321
00:18:16,650 --> 00:18:17,950
Oh, fuck yeah.
322
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:28,610
You know what?
Enjoy being alone, whack job.
323
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:35,110
Found him!
324
00:18:35,650 --> 00:18:37,950
Wow, stalker much?
325
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,280
What should I say?
326
00:18:39,490 --> 00:18:40,860
I'm a lonely psychopath
327
00:18:40,860 --> 00:18:43,610
that look you up within
an hour of meeting you.
328
00:18:43,610 --> 00:18:45,200
You're right, I should wait until morning.
329
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,110
Then he'll think you obsessed
about him all night.
330
00:18:47,110 --> 00:18:49,400
Don't you know anything
about the internet?
331
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,240
You should make a fake profile.
332
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,070
What?
333
00:18:53,070 --> 00:18:54,740
Pretend to be a total random stranger
334
00:18:54,740 --> 00:18:57,450
so you can find out
all his personal details.
335
00:18:57,450 --> 00:18:59,280
People are honest with strangers.
336
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,320
My fake name is Tittsy Montgomery.
337
00:19:02,950 --> 00:19:05,240
I could find out
if he wants a serious relationship.
338
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:08,030
I was thinking more like cock size
but whatever.
339
00:19:10,070 --> 00:19:12,400
You need the perfect fake picture
340
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,820
and I know the perfect person.
341
00:19:17,570 --> 00:19:20,360
Holy rim job, who is that?
342
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:23,200
My incredibly hot ex BF, Ryan.
343
00:19:23,450 --> 00:19:24,700
He's a stripper.
344
00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:27,280
He was supposed to be my rebound
after Troy broke my heart
345
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:30,530
but he has a good tongue,
so I let him stay.
346
00:19:30,530 --> 00:19:32,240
Why did you break up with that?
347
00:19:36,780 --> 00:19:38,150
What if your boyfriend finds out?
348
00:19:38,150 --> 00:19:39,860
We have an open relationship.
349
00:19:39,860 --> 00:19:41,650
Uhh, we do?
350
00:19:44,150 --> 00:19:45,200
Ryan,
351
00:19:45,820 --> 00:19:47,570
this is not what it looks like.
352
00:19:50,900 --> 00:19:52,320
Neither is this.
353
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,320
We had commitment issues.
354
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:59,900
Anyway, he moved to Tucson
so it's totally safe to use his pictures.
355
00:20:00,570 --> 00:20:03,950
Why would I want Zack to talk
to someone way hotter than I am.
356
00:20:03,950 --> 00:20:06,400
When's the last time you opened up
to an ugly stranger?
357
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,400
Besides,
you find out what you need to know,
358
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,070
then Ryan will disappear.
359
00:20:10,070 --> 00:20:12,740
A fake profile is the perfect wingman.
360
00:20:13,900 --> 00:20:14,820
Okay.
361
00:20:15,950 --> 00:20:17,280
Okay, let's do this.
362
00:20:17,610 --> 00:20:18,530
What's my name?
363
00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:19,900
Ryan.
364
00:20:20,650 --> 00:20:21,860
Ryan.
365
00:20:23,610 --> 00:20:26,150
Do you agree to
the following terms and conditions.
366
00:20:26,150 --> 00:20:28,150
Number one, GaySpaceBook.com...
367
00:20:28,150 --> 00:20:29,950
Agree, you nerd!
368
00:20:29,950 --> 00:20:32,320
You should really read these things,
you never know.
369
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,570
What are you, a pilgrim?
370
00:20:34,570 --> 00:20:37,070
I bet you avoid handicap spaces.
371
00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:37,990
And vote.
372
00:20:37,990 --> 00:20:39,280
Favorite movie?
373
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:42,400
Roman Holiday, of course.
374
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,610
Straight acting or not?
375
00:20:45,610 --> 00:20:49,570
Put, "I'm gay, why should I act anything
but what I am."
376
00:20:49,570 --> 00:20:52,240
Oh, you are scary good, girl.
377
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,150
Come on, breakup sex.
378
00:20:57,740 --> 00:20:59,990
You are a hottie,
let's hope you're next door
379
00:20:59,990 --> 00:21:01,900
cause I don't feel like driving.
380
00:21:16,950 --> 00:21:18,240
Looking for?
381
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:20,530
First I want to develop
something special with you,
382
00:21:20,530 --> 00:21:22,530
then we fuck each other's brains out.
383
00:21:22,530 --> 00:21:25,070
Perfect combination of romantic
and nasty, right?
384
00:21:25,070 --> 00:21:27,150
Whatever, no one reads those,
just write them.
385
00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:43,530
Yummy.
386
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:47,820
Oh, my God, it's him.
387
00:21:47,820 --> 00:21:49,240
What do I do? What do I write?
388
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:50,610
Write what you know.
389
00:21:50,610 --> 00:21:52,570
Well, in your case, don't.
390
00:21:52,570 --> 00:21:54,070
You're not helping.
391
00:22:01,740 --> 00:22:02,990
Gotta play it cool.
392
00:22:05,110 --> 00:22:07,740
Hey. That's so romantic.
393
00:22:13,070 --> 00:22:17,820
Kindly help a broken hearted stranger
with hours of meaningless sex!
394
00:22:17,820 --> 00:22:19,280
Oh God, yes.
395
00:22:28,610 --> 00:22:30,740
So, get to know me.
396
00:22:30,740 --> 00:22:33,200
Oh shit! Can he see us?
397
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:35,740
No. My camera's not on.
398
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:39,400
Oh.
399
00:22:45,450 --> 00:22:46,900
Likely story.
400
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,200
So, ask away.
401
00:22:52,780 --> 00:22:54,360
Thanks for starting off easy.
402
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,110
I didn't want to put up
with his shit anymore.
403
00:23:05,740 --> 00:23:08,070
You know how you tell yourself
that it's gonna get better?
404
00:23:08,070 --> 00:23:08,780
You know it's not,
405
00:23:08,780 --> 00:23:10,740
but you hang on
to any little good thing he does
406
00:23:10,740 --> 00:23:12,280
to prove that it might get better.
407
00:23:15,990 --> 00:23:17,950
Well, I guess there weren't any.
408
00:23:17,950 --> 00:23:20,200
Then it was just the really hot sex.
409
00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:27,280
Yeah.
410
00:23:32,110 --> 00:23:34,240
How do you know
what the little good things are?
411
00:23:41,990 --> 00:23:43,570
Okay, try me.
412
00:23:46,150 --> 00:23:47,900
You're an artist.
413
00:23:48,570 --> 00:23:50,400
I'd take you to a museum.
414
00:23:51,150 --> 00:23:53,280
You look like a basketball fan.
415
00:23:53,530 --> 00:23:55,280
Lakers tickets.
416
00:23:55,740 --> 00:23:59,530
Massage, good bottle of wine.
417
00:24:00,490 --> 00:24:04,990
And little things like
bringing you something to drink
418
00:24:04,990 --> 00:24:06,990
without you having to ask.
419
00:24:11,070 --> 00:24:12,700
Well done, Ms. Cleo.
420
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:16,950
What can I do to get you
to come over here right now.
421
00:24:16,950 --> 00:24:18,450
Oh, strip.
422
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:23,360
Date?
You already know me inside and out,
423
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:24,740
I think I'm in love.
424
00:24:25,110 --> 00:24:26,740
Wait, I know.
425
00:24:30,070 --> 00:24:31,780
If you don't come over...
426
00:24:32,650 --> 00:24:33,950
He is not!
427
00:24:34,900 --> 00:24:37,570
Here's what you'll be missing.
428
00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:40,530
Get out of my way!
429
00:24:41,570 --> 00:24:43,240
Holy clit! -Oh, my God.
430
00:24:44,070 --> 00:24:45,570
Oh shit.
431
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:48,200
I cannot believe...
432
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:50,070
You spilled your Sunny Delight.
433
00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:52,700
How could you?
434
00:24:52,900 --> 00:24:54,610
You owe me a computer!
435
00:24:54,610 --> 00:24:56,280
And a boyfriend.
436
00:24:58,610 --> 00:24:59,610
He's a fake.
437
00:24:59,610 --> 00:25:01,490
No one can be that hot and that nice,
438
00:25:01,490 --> 00:25:03,030
it's against the nature.
439
00:25:03,030 --> 00:25:03,900
Look you.
440
00:25:03,900 --> 00:25:06,610
But he has tons of profile pictures,
he must be real.
441
00:25:06,610 --> 00:25:08,740
You still believe The Hills is real.
442
00:25:08,740 --> 00:25:11,240
If he was a fake,
he would've watched me jack off.
443
00:25:11,780 --> 00:25:14,030
I just threw up a little bit
in my pussy.
444
00:25:21,700 --> 00:25:25,070
Maybe it's not a good idea
for us to hang out?
445
00:25:25,070 --> 00:25:26,530
I don't believe you.
446
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:28,530
Zack's single now,
447
00:25:28,530 --> 00:25:30,900
so the reason we invented Ryan
doesn't matter anymore.
448
00:25:30,900 --> 00:25:32,490
I mean, why keep up the charade?
449
00:25:32,490 --> 00:25:35,320
Why email him at all? Just disappear.
450
00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:38,740
You're still pretending to be Ryan,
even if it is just to dump him.
451
00:25:38,740 --> 00:25:40,320
I'm just being polite.
452
00:25:40,780 --> 00:25:43,700
You're just keeping him
and his pretty dick hanging on,
453
00:25:43,700 --> 00:25:48,280
so you still have access to him in case
he doesn't go for exhibit A.
454
00:25:48,740 --> 00:25:49,820
You're right.
455
00:25:49,820 --> 00:25:52,360
If he normally gets prime rib like Ryan,
456
00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:54,110
why would he settle for...
457
00:25:55,900 --> 00:25:57,530
Turkey burger?
458
00:26:03,530 --> 00:26:04,530
I blew it,
459
00:26:04,530 --> 00:26:06,240
Mr. Fake doesn't wanna meet me.
460
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:07,490
Because he's not real.
461
00:26:07,490 --> 00:26:09,240
I came on too strong.
462
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,740
Gay men hate guys who do that.
463
00:26:11,740 --> 00:26:15,610
He was trying to get to know me
but I went from zero to sixty-nine.
464
00:26:15,610 --> 00:26:19,320
There are millions of men who
can fuck first and then fall in love.
465
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:22,570
But I don't want other men, I want him.
466
00:26:22,570 --> 00:26:23,530
Jesus Christ!
467
00:26:23,530 --> 00:26:25,740
My mom warned me
I was turning into a fag hag.
468
00:26:25,740 --> 00:26:27,240
You're not a fag hag.
469
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:28,530
I'm gonna be a fat spinster
470
00:26:28,530 --> 00:26:31,360
whose only sexual outlet
is sucking off drunken homos.
471
00:26:31,360 --> 00:26:33,570
You'd suck me off
if I were drunk, right?
472
00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:37,360
My fag hag days are over.
473
00:26:41,650 --> 00:26:45,070
Now separate the finger nails
from the toe nails.
474
00:26:45,070 --> 00:26:46,320
Ew, what?
475
00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:49,070
Busy work.
You still have fifteen minutes left.
476
00:26:49,780 --> 00:26:51,610
I must get ready for my date.
477
00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:53,240
It's not a date, queef-cake.
478
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:55,740
It's a date,
he just doesn't know it yet.
479
00:26:55,740 --> 00:26:58,740
My, my, look who went
and downloaded some balls.
480
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:03,400
He might've seen
Ryan's picture online last night,
481
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:05,400
but he was talking to me.
482
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:06,950
We have a connection.
483
00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:09,860
At least we will
by the end of the night.
484
00:27:15,740 --> 00:27:17,820
Fuck, I've got to see this.
485
00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:35,110
Sorry I'm late.
486
00:27:35,110 --> 00:27:37,450
Oh, no problem,
I had nothing else to do.
487
00:27:38,070 --> 00:27:39,610
Wait, that sounds bad.
488
00:27:39,610 --> 00:27:41,240
No it doesn't, you just moved here.
489
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:47,860
I... I drafted up some ideas
for the male sale flyers.
490
00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:52,860
I Google-imaged you.
491
00:27:52,860 --> 00:27:54,700
Whoa, these are great.
492
00:27:55,070 --> 00:27:56,820
Thanks for giving me extra abs.
493
00:27:56,820 --> 00:27:58,360
Those are yours and you know it.
494
00:27:58,360 --> 00:28:01,240
Thanks for the ego boost,
I could really use one right about now.
495
00:28:02,700 --> 00:28:04,280
I'm sorry about your breakup.
496
00:28:04,820 --> 00:28:05,860
How did you know?
497
00:28:06,530 --> 00:28:08,070
Oh! I... -Lionel?
498
00:28:08,070 --> 00:28:09,610
He's a big fucking mouth.
499
00:28:10,070 --> 00:28:12,320
That's one of the reasons
I don't like the gay community.
500
00:28:12,950 --> 00:28:15,740
I think the gay community is more diverse
than you give it credit for.
501
00:28:15,740 --> 00:28:18,490
Well, I think he's crazy
for breaking up with you.
502
00:28:18,860 --> 00:28:20,650
I broke up with him.
503
00:28:20,650 --> 00:28:21,650
Sorry.
504
00:28:21,950 --> 00:28:22,950
No big deal.
505
00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:25,200
He's not what's bothering me.
506
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:27,110
I met this guy online last night,
507
00:28:27,740 --> 00:28:28,610
Ryan,
508
00:28:28,610 --> 00:28:30,950
oh, my God.
You have never seen anything like him,
509
00:28:30,950 --> 00:28:33,700
and he was so totally into me
until I blew it.
510
00:28:33,700 --> 00:28:34,860
You think you blew it?
511
00:28:34,860 --> 00:28:37,320
Yeah, I got too sexual. A fatal flaw.
512
00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:39,700
Well, if he was just a hot body,
those are...
513
00:28:39,700 --> 00:28:40,990
It was more than that.
514
00:28:40,990 --> 00:28:43,070
This guy connected with me.
515
00:28:43,070 --> 00:28:46,900
He was smart and funny and he knew me.
516
00:28:46,900 --> 00:28:49,030
He sounds too good to be true.
517
00:28:49,900 --> 00:28:51,570
Yeah, he probably is fake.
518
00:28:52,490 --> 00:28:53,780
I can't believe I'm telling you all this.
519
00:28:53,780 --> 00:28:56,490
I normally don't talk to guys
about my social life.
520
00:28:56,490 --> 00:28:58,360
You seem pretty comfortable.
521
00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:00,320
You make me feel comfortable, Casey.
522
00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:04,450
Hey, maybe sometime you and I could...
523
00:29:05,740 --> 00:29:06,860
Oh my God, that's him.
524
00:29:10,030 --> 00:29:11,570
How do I look? -Huh?
525
00:29:11,570 --> 00:29:13,200
How do I look? -Uh...
526
00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:15,070
gorgeous. Are you sure...
527
00:29:15,070 --> 00:29:16,150
Wish me luck.
528
00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:20,030
Good fucking luck.
529
00:29:21,990 --> 00:29:23,950
Hey, Ryan1989.
530
00:29:23,950 --> 00:29:26,360
Hey... you.
531
00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:28,070
I was beginning to think
you were imaginary
532
00:29:28,070 --> 00:29:29,990
like a smurf or something.
533
00:29:29,990 --> 00:29:32,740
Nope, I'm all real.
534
00:29:32,990 --> 00:29:34,240
You can say that again.
535
00:29:34,740 --> 00:29:35,950
Mind if I don't?
536
00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:56,240
We're both here,
537
00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:58,530
you wanna give this a shot
and go out some night?
538
00:30:01,650 --> 00:30:04,030
Uuh... Ryan,
539
00:30:04,030 --> 00:30:04,990
look who's back.
540
00:30:04,990 --> 00:30:07,740
Don't they have stripper poles
in Tucson?
541
00:30:07,740 --> 00:30:08,740
Tiffany,
542
00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:10,700
did you get a boob job?
543
00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:12,950
No, I'm still saving up.
544
00:30:12,950 --> 00:30:14,320
What's going on?
545
00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:16,400
Casey, this is Ryan from the Internet.
546
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:19,240
You look so much better
than your pictures, doesn't he?
547
00:30:20,700 --> 00:30:27,200
Now, how would Casey have seen
Ryan's cute little disco boy picture.
548
00:30:28,450 --> 00:30:32,400
Yeah, you mean my picture
with the headband and yellow gym shorts.
549
00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:35,240
Yellow mesh gym shorts. Rarrr.
550
00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:37,070
And then there's that one
551
00:30:37,070 --> 00:30:40,490
where you're on the beach
with some blond chick and your bulge.
552
00:30:40,490 --> 00:30:42,570
Yeah, Ryan loves nailing blonds.
553
00:30:43,530 --> 00:30:47,570
Yeah, but I love nailing brunettes, too.
554
00:30:47,820 --> 00:30:50,450
Brunette women, Ryan's straight,
555
00:30:50,450 --> 00:30:52,240
we used to fuck. I took that picture.
556
00:30:53,110 --> 00:30:54,570
He wasn't straight last night.
557
00:30:54,570 --> 00:30:58,030
Yeah, after fucking Tiffani
I just gave up on women.
558
00:30:58,530 --> 00:31:00,570
It happens to you a lot, huh?
559
00:31:00,570 --> 00:31:02,240
Oh, you little cum monkey.
560
00:31:02,240 --> 00:31:04,570
So, let's give this a shot.
561
00:31:05,820 --> 00:31:06,990
When do you want to hang out?
562
00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:11,450
Ugh, this sucks.
563
00:31:11,450 --> 00:31:14,570
I just set up the hottest couple
in the universe.
564
00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:17,450
When their hot muscled bodies
come together,
565
00:31:17,450 --> 00:31:21,280
they'll probably form
like Voltron or something.
566
00:31:21,610 --> 00:31:22,650
He's lying.
567
00:31:22,900 --> 00:31:25,610
If Ryan's gay, I'll eat my own twat.
568
00:31:25,610 --> 00:31:28,070
What kind of straight guy
goes on a date with another man?
569
00:31:28,070 --> 00:31:30,240
He was a stripper at a gay bar.
570
00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:32,570
He would clean a toilet with his dick
for a dollar.
571
00:31:32,900 --> 00:31:34,450
He's just trying to get back at me.
572
00:31:34,450 --> 00:31:37,400
Oh... Zack wanna talk to me about
573
00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:39,240
what they should do
on their Barbie dream date
574
00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:42,070
because I make him feel comfortable.
575
00:31:42,860 --> 00:31:44,240
No smiley.
576
00:31:45,490 --> 00:31:46,740
This is serious.
577
00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:50,860
My God, you're like his fag hag now.
578
00:31:52,490 --> 00:31:54,240
I hate my life.
579
00:32:10,490 --> 00:32:12,150
Casey, great, you can do my back.
580
00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:15,280
Oh my God, are you ok?
581
00:32:15,740 --> 00:32:19,360
Yeah, it's just a little ouchy,
that's all.
582
00:32:19,700 --> 00:32:20,650
Ouchy?
583
00:32:20,650 --> 00:32:22,150
Never mind, it's fine.
584
00:32:22,150 --> 00:32:22,700
Good.
585
00:32:23,070 --> 00:32:24,070
Squirt me.
586
00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:26,650
Okay.
587
00:32:28,740 --> 00:32:31,700
God, I'm as nervous
as Isaiah Washington's hairdresser.
588
00:32:31,700 --> 00:32:32,700
About the date?
589
00:32:32,700 --> 00:32:33,740
Yes, about the date.
590
00:32:33,740 --> 00:32:35,950
He was so hot and cold at the café.
591
00:32:36,570 --> 00:32:37,570
Isn't he cute?
592
00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:41,900
I'm not really into guys that...hot.
593
00:32:42,400 --> 00:32:43,400
Really?
594
00:32:43,900 --> 00:32:45,240
Okay, your turn.
595
00:32:45,700 --> 00:32:49,030
Oh, I'm not a taking off my shirt
in public kind of guy.
596
00:32:49,030 --> 00:32:50,990
Don't tell me you have body issues.
597
00:32:50,990 --> 00:32:51,950
Take it off or I will.
598
00:32:51,950 --> 00:32:53,320
Okay, okay.
599
00:32:53,320 --> 00:32:55,530
You know, when we, mere mortals,
600
00:32:55,530 --> 00:32:57,900
are around gods like you,
how can we not...
601
00:32:57,900 --> 00:32:59,860
Please, you've got a great body.
602
00:32:59,860 --> 00:33:03,200
And, besides,
some guys like 'em not all exercised.
603
00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:05,030
Here.
604
00:33:06,950 --> 00:33:08,450
So what should I do on my date?
605
00:33:08,700 --> 00:33:09,860
You mean besides sex?
606
00:33:09,860 --> 00:33:11,110
I don't want it to be about sex.
607
00:33:11,110 --> 00:33:14,200
When we chatted online he had
all these ideas for great things to do
608
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:16,570
and I wanna come up
with some great idea, too.
609
00:33:16,570 --> 00:33:19,530
Ok, well what's your dream first date?
610
00:33:19,530 --> 00:33:22,070
Wow, I guess
I never really thought about it.
611
00:33:22,570 --> 00:33:25,070
You've never fantasized about
the perfect first date?
612
00:33:25,070 --> 00:33:27,240
I was too busy going on real dates.
613
00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:28,400
Asshole.
614
00:33:28,900 --> 00:33:31,240
Well, clearly someone's thought about it.
615
00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:32,900
Tell me yours, Romeo.
616
00:33:32,900 --> 00:33:34,070
Okay.
617
00:33:34,070 --> 00:33:35,990
We're in Italy, well, Rome.
618
00:33:35,990 --> 00:33:38,320
Oh, my God, are you serious?
I'm obsessed with Italy.
619
00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:39,360
You are?
620
00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:42,700
Yeah, I've been wanting to go to Italy
since I was like three.
621
00:33:42,700 --> 00:33:44,780
I'm going after graduation
if I can save enough cash.
622
00:33:44,780 --> 00:33:48,320
I've got like $3,200 saved so far.
623
00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:50,900
I can't wait to go. Someday.
624
00:33:50,900 --> 00:33:53,740
Well, I can't exactly take Ryan
to Italy tonight.
625
00:33:53,740 --> 00:33:56,400
So, do you got any dream dates
that are a little more practical?
626
00:33:56,400 --> 00:34:01,240
Okay, well my dream date, it's intimate.
627
00:34:01,900 --> 00:34:05,070
Like I make him dinner so it's personal.
628
00:34:05,070 --> 00:34:08,110
Yeah, something at your place,
just the two of you,
629
00:34:08,110 --> 00:34:09,400
no distractions.
630
00:34:09,400 --> 00:34:12,570
Yeah, and maybe I'd have a fun theme
for the meal.
631
00:34:12,570 --> 00:34:14,280
Italian. -Perfetto.
632
00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:18,450
Pasta, pinot grigio,
some funky Italian music.
633
00:34:18,450 --> 00:34:19,700
That's all I'd need
634
00:34:19,700 --> 00:34:22,650
because the best first dates
635
00:34:22,650 --> 00:34:26,900
are the ones where the conversation's
just really easy.
636
00:34:26,900 --> 00:34:29,150
And it flows cause you're both
637
00:34:29,150 --> 00:34:31,780
listening to each other
like you're focused.
638
00:34:31,780 --> 00:34:33,610
And there are those moments
639
00:34:33,610 --> 00:34:35,400
when you're looking into
each other's eyes,
640
00:34:37,240 --> 00:34:39,990
wondering if maybe
he's thinking the same thing.
641
00:34:40,700 --> 00:34:43,240
That sometime tonight we're gonna...
642
00:34:43,990 --> 00:34:45,070
Kiss.
643
00:35:01,200 --> 00:35:02,610
Exactly.
644
00:35:02,610 --> 00:35:03,570
Kiss.
645
00:35:04,450 --> 00:35:05,740
Oh my God! -What?
646
00:35:05,740 --> 00:35:07,240
You totally inspired me,
647
00:35:07,240 --> 00:35:08,740
I have the perfect date.
648
00:35:08,740 --> 00:35:09,610
Scoot.
649
00:35:10,070 --> 00:35:11,450
He's not gonna know what hit him.
650
00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:14,360
I can't thank you enough.
651
00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:18,320
Well, text me if you need help!
652
00:35:19,450 --> 00:35:21,200
Text me if you need help.
653
00:35:40,490 --> 00:35:43,240
If you're trying to stop me,
it won't work.
654
00:35:43,240 --> 00:35:46,240
If you think going on a fake gay date
will make me jealous,
655
00:35:46,240 --> 00:35:48,110
you're dumber than a flock of Palins.
656
00:35:48,110 --> 00:35:51,570
I don't want that,
I just wanna piss you off.
657
00:35:51,570 --> 00:35:52,860
You cheated too!
658
00:35:52,860 --> 00:35:54,530
It's not about that,
659
00:35:54,530 --> 00:35:57,700
it's about you putting pubes
in my protein powder the next day.
660
00:35:57,700 --> 00:35:59,400
They weren't even mine.
661
00:35:59,400 --> 00:36:01,820
And poking holes in my contact lenses,
662
00:36:01,820 --> 00:36:03,900
Putting crabs in my drawer.
663
00:36:03,900 --> 00:36:05,570
And using my toothbrush to clean the...
664
00:36:05,570 --> 00:36:06,650
Ok,
665
00:36:06,990 --> 00:36:08,570
I'm a jealous woman.
666
00:36:08,570 --> 00:36:10,240
But at least I feel something.
667
00:36:10,240 --> 00:36:14,700
You're an emotionless stripper
who uses his body as a bargaining chip.
668
00:36:14,700 --> 00:36:15,780
And that's not gonna get you anything
669
00:36:15,780 --> 00:36:19,070
but a dirty dollar bill
shoved up your ass.
670
00:36:19,860 --> 00:36:20,900
You're fat.
671
00:36:21,860 --> 00:36:24,360
Have a good night. I know I will.
672
00:36:40,070 --> 00:36:41,820
Ryan, right on time.
673
00:36:41,820 --> 00:36:43,820
Hey, look,
674
00:36:43,820 --> 00:36:45,820
I gotta talk to you
about this Internet thing.
675
00:36:45,820 --> 00:36:47,240
I know, me too, come on in.
676
00:36:50,070 --> 00:36:52,740
I saw on your profile that Roman Holiday
is your favorite movie.
677
00:36:52,740 --> 00:36:53,900
It's also mine.
678
00:36:53,900 --> 00:36:56,490
So I've got
a special little tour for you,
679
00:36:56,490 --> 00:36:57,360
come on.
680
00:36:58,450 --> 00:37:01,320
As you know, when Audrey Hepburn
sneaks out of the consulate,
681
00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:03,740
Gregory Peck shows her
the sights of Rome.
682
00:37:04,150 --> 00:37:06,240
So here we have the Sistine Chapel,
683
00:37:06,240 --> 00:37:07,700
painted by Michelangelo.
684
00:37:08,900 --> 00:37:10,240
Italian wine.
685
00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:19,240
Next we have an exact replica
of the Trevi Fountain.
686
00:37:23,860 --> 00:37:25,740
That's pretty cool.
687
00:37:26,400 --> 00:37:30,240
And our last stop is the mouth of truth,
688
00:37:30,570 --> 00:37:32,490
you know,
the most famous scene in the movie.
689
00:37:32,490 --> 00:37:34,200
Yeah.
690
00:37:34,570 --> 00:37:36,030
So put your hand in its mouth
691
00:37:36,030 --> 00:37:38,280
and if you're lying to me
it'll get bitten off.
692
00:37:40,820 --> 00:37:42,860
And don't tell my landlord
about the hole.
693
00:37:48,780 --> 00:37:50,990
Rarrr! -You scared the shit out of me!
694
00:37:51,530 --> 00:37:52,610
Your hand's still here.
695
00:37:53,700 --> 00:37:55,360
I knew you wouldn't lie to me.
696
00:37:56,860 --> 00:37:58,530
You're an amazing guy
697
00:37:58,530 --> 00:37:59,740
and I don't deserve you.
698
00:38:00,950 --> 00:38:01,950
I gotta go.
699
00:38:06,820 --> 00:38:11,700
Text me, text me, text me, text me.
700
00:38:15,240 --> 00:38:17,240
I love you, Zack!
701
00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:25,280
It's nice to have a friend
who will listen to my romantic problems.
702
00:38:25,610 --> 00:38:27,360
I told you to text me
if you needed help
703
00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:28,900
and you did.
704
00:38:28,900 --> 00:38:30,280
And I'm here to help.
705
00:38:30,900 --> 00:38:32,570
Can you help me find a boyfriend?
706
00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:39,400
Oh my God, is that the mouth of truth?
707
00:38:40,990 --> 00:38:44,570
Yeah, his profile said
his favorite movie was Roman Holiday, so.
708
00:38:44,570 --> 00:38:46,320
You did that for him?
709
00:38:46,320 --> 00:38:47,570
It's stupid.
710
00:38:48,240 --> 00:38:51,530
It's the most romantic thing
I've ever seen.
711
00:38:54,490 --> 00:38:56,530
See, I'm telling the truth.
712
00:38:57,490 --> 00:39:00,200
Yeah, I actually had
this whole Roman Holiday tour.
713
00:39:00,740 --> 00:39:02,110
There's the Colossum,
714
00:39:02,820 --> 00:39:04,280
I ate half of it.
715
00:39:05,240 --> 00:39:08,740
Zack, there's something
I should tell you.
716
00:39:09,780 --> 00:39:12,610
I haven't been honest with you. I...
717
00:39:13,780 --> 00:39:14,990
Great, who's that?
718
00:39:17,700 --> 00:39:18,950
Oh my God, Ryan?
719
00:39:18,950 --> 00:39:21,570
Hey man,
there's something I gotta tell you.
720
00:39:22,110 --> 00:39:24,240
Oh, did you tell him?
721
00:39:24,990 --> 00:39:26,150
Tell me what?
722
00:39:26,150 --> 00:39:27,450
I was just about to.
723
00:39:27,450 --> 00:39:28,610
Of course you were.
724
00:39:28,610 --> 00:39:30,820
That wasn't me
you were talking to online.
725
00:39:30,820 --> 00:39:34,570
Him and Tiffani made a fake profile
and used my picture.
726
00:39:34,570 --> 00:39:37,150
What? -I don't even have a profile.
727
00:39:37,150 --> 00:39:38,820
I'm not even gay.
728
00:39:38,820 --> 00:39:40,650
Zack, it's not what it sounds like.
729
00:39:40,650 --> 00:39:42,110
Did you pretend to be him?
730
00:39:42,110 --> 00:39:45,150
Yes, but it was only because
I didn't want to look like a stalker,
731
00:39:45,150 --> 00:39:47,990
which I know I totally like now.
732
00:39:47,990 --> 00:39:50,900
My first genuine conversation in years
was with a total fake.
733
00:39:50,900 --> 00:39:52,490
And why? So you can fuck me?
734
00:39:52,490 --> 00:39:54,360
No, I mean yes,
735
00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:56,530
I mean more than that.
736
00:39:56,530 --> 00:39:58,200
The things I said were true.
737
00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:00,200
Dude, if you liked him,
738
00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:01,610
why didn't you just tell him.
739
00:40:01,610 --> 00:40:05,240
And you let me take you on that whole
fucking tour like some kind of idiot.
740
00:40:05,240 --> 00:40:07,530
Get the fuck out! Both of you.
741
00:40:08,570 --> 00:40:10,070
Zack, I'm sorry.
742
00:40:10,070 --> 00:40:11,990
Is that... -Get out!
743
00:40:18,070 --> 00:40:19,820
I was in the middle of telling him,
you know.
744
00:40:19,820 --> 00:40:22,860
Sorry man,
it was a crappy thing you guys did.
745
00:40:22,860 --> 00:40:24,950
I just wanted to get his attention.
746
00:40:24,950 --> 00:40:27,990
You coulda got it without
getting all stalker-azzi on him.
747
00:40:27,990 --> 00:40:30,150
With guys like you walking around?
748
00:40:30,150 --> 00:40:32,820
Even if I was gay,
it wouldn't have worked out.
749
00:40:32,820 --> 00:40:34,610
He was less into what I looked like
750
00:40:34,610 --> 00:40:36,360
and more into what you said.
751
00:40:36,610 --> 00:40:38,400
Anyway, sorry.
752
00:40:38,400 --> 00:40:40,400
No, it's my own damn fault.
753
00:40:44,950 --> 00:40:47,240
This is Tandy, impress me.
754
00:40:47,240 --> 00:40:49,740
And if you're one of my gay friends
and just had a bad date,
755
00:40:49,740 --> 00:40:51,780
I'm not calling you back for three days.
756
00:40:51,780 --> 00:40:55,240
Because I'm not a fag hag!
757
00:41:05,240 --> 00:41:06,240
Casey, right?
758
00:41:06,950 --> 00:41:08,110
Yeah.
759
00:41:08,110 --> 00:41:09,110
I'm Harry.
760
00:41:09,740 --> 00:41:13,240
That's my name, not that I am hairy.
761
00:41:14,740 --> 00:41:16,070
Honey, what's wrong?
762
00:41:16,070 --> 00:41:20,900
You look like Liberace after they
put the seat back on his piano stool.
763
00:41:22,150 --> 00:41:23,860
Wrong generation.
764
00:41:23,860 --> 00:41:24,990
Never mind.
765
00:41:25,700 --> 00:41:28,150
You look like you could
use some company tonight.
766
00:41:28,150 --> 00:41:30,200
Oh, I'm not interested.
767
00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:32,360
On, no, darling.
768
00:41:33,240 --> 00:41:35,860
You're adorable
but you're far too young for me.
769
00:41:36,240 --> 00:41:40,570
Us in bed would be like
teaching calculus to a preschooler.
770
00:41:40,570 --> 00:41:44,860
No. Sex with men who have the maturity
of an experienced lover,
771
00:41:45,530 --> 00:41:47,030
there's nothing quite like it.
772
00:41:47,030 --> 00:41:48,400
T.M.I.
773
00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:49,240
Pardon?
774
00:41:49,240 --> 00:41:50,360
Nothing.
775
00:41:50,360 --> 00:41:51,570
Let me guess.
776
00:41:52,200 --> 00:41:55,240
Some strapping thing
has broken your heart.
777
00:41:55,240 --> 00:41:56,530
Is it that obvious?
778
00:41:56,530 --> 00:41:58,400
Either that or Miley Cyrus died.
779
00:41:58,780 --> 00:42:01,110
See, I'm not that dated.
780
00:42:02,570 --> 00:42:03,780
Yeah, it's a guy.
781
00:42:04,570 --> 00:42:06,740
No, no, it's me.
782
00:42:07,240 --> 00:42:09,070
I was a complete jerk.
783
00:42:09,450 --> 00:42:12,650
And I knew it while it was happening
but I did it anyway.
784
00:42:12,650 --> 00:42:16,700
And now I'll never get to show Zack
what a great boyfriend I can be.
785
00:42:17,110 --> 00:42:19,240
Now I'll never even have a boyfriend.
786
00:42:20,150 --> 00:42:22,530
And I'll wind up alone
until I'm all old and...
787
00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:25,400
Sorry.
788
00:42:25,400 --> 00:42:26,950
Oh dear heart,
789
00:42:27,610 --> 00:42:30,610
there's worse things
than not having a boyfriend.
790
00:42:30,610 --> 00:42:34,110
Like trudging bare foot uphill
through five miles of snow
791
00:42:34,110 --> 00:42:37,530
just to find
the nearest homosexual saloon.
792
00:42:38,530 --> 00:42:39,740
It was a joke.
793
00:42:41,200 --> 00:42:42,650
I'm not that old.
794
00:42:42,650 --> 00:42:45,650
-You're not?
-Well now, that was just not pretty.
795
00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:49,320
All I'm saying is,
as dark as it may seem,
796
00:42:49,900 --> 00:42:51,950
I think your generation
has it pretty easy
797
00:42:51,950 --> 00:42:54,240
when it comes to finding
all the other fish
798
00:42:57,150 --> 00:42:58,200
in the sea.
799
00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:04,150
I bet you're thinking right now
that the obvious solution
800
00:43:04,150 --> 00:43:06,570
is something that I used to do
801
00:43:06,570 --> 00:43:08,650
when I was trying to get over someone.
802
00:43:09,240 --> 00:43:10,360
What's that?
803
00:43:10,740 --> 00:43:13,650
Well I used to think
that a good roll in the hay
804
00:43:13,650 --> 00:43:14,860
would be all I needed
805
00:43:14,860 --> 00:43:16,900
but I was wrong.
806
00:43:17,610 --> 00:43:23,110
Sleeping with someone
to get over someone else never works.
807
00:43:24,360 --> 00:43:25,570
Casey, right?
808
00:43:25,570 --> 00:43:26,450
Yeah.
809
00:43:26,450 --> 00:43:29,450
Trust me on this, it never works.
810
00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:32,650
You want to go somewhere and talk?
811
00:43:34,450 --> 00:43:35,570
Never.
812
00:43:37,070 --> 00:43:38,110
Sure.
813
00:43:43,610 --> 00:43:44,780
Never learn.
814
00:43:49,990 --> 00:43:51,490
That drink was strong,
815
00:43:51,740 --> 00:43:55,240
like drinking blood straight
from Amy Winehouse's wrist.
816
00:43:55,240 --> 00:43:56,900
God, I'm glad I met you.
817
00:43:57,240 --> 00:44:00,150
Last guy I dated, Zack,
such a fucking loser.
818
00:44:00,900 --> 00:44:02,200
He was a good kisser.
819
00:44:02,200 --> 00:44:04,110
Kissing's overrated.
820
00:44:04,900 --> 00:44:06,490
How good was he?
821
00:44:06,490 --> 00:44:07,490
Incredible.
822
00:44:07,490 --> 00:44:09,360
Always started off the same way.
823
00:44:10,070 --> 00:44:11,490
Two pecks.
824
00:44:14,070 --> 00:44:15,530
Then a deeper kiss.
825
00:44:18,820 --> 00:44:20,860
Followed by a bite to the lower lip.
826
00:44:25,450 --> 00:44:26,400
And repeat.
827
00:44:33,570 --> 00:44:34,610
You're so gonna love this.
828
00:44:34,610 --> 00:44:35,740
Get back in.
829
00:44:46,900 --> 00:44:48,570
We should fuck. Is that your bed?
830
00:44:48,570 --> 00:44:50,200
I don't usually do that on the first...
831
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:51,240
Yeah, neither do I.
832
00:44:52,450 --> 00:44:53,530
Right behind you.
833
00:45:10,400 --> 00:45:12,200
You're so gonna love this.
834
00:46:11,360 --> 00:46:13,400
Hi, how can I hurt you today?
835
00:46:13,860 --> 00:46:15,200
We gotta talk.
836
00:46:15,200 --> 00:46:17,490
We have nothing to talk about.
837
00:46:17,490 --> 00:46:19,900
Five minutes, that's all I ask.
838
00:46:25,700 --> 00:46:27,400
You need to have an appointment.
839
00:46:32,320 --> 00:46:34,820
What do you mean,
I thought you were gay for Zack.
840
00:46:34,820 --> 00:46:37,450
Come on, you know I'm not gay.
841
00:46:40,990 --> 00:46:43,900
You know I was just
trying to piss you off.
842
00:46:43,900 --> 00:46:45,900
Well, it didn't work, clit monger.
843
00:46:49,700 --> 00:46:51,400
Why would you want to help them.
844
00:46:51,400 --> 00:46:54,280
They seem like
they actually belong together.
845
00:46:54,280 --> 00:46:55,780
And I messed that up.
846
00:46:55,780 --> 00:46:57,900
My God, you have feelings?
847
00:46:57,900 --> 00:46:59,900
I thought your fortes fortes
was cheating and home wrecking.
848
00:46:59,900 --> 00:47:01,070
You cheated too.
849
00:47:01,070 --> 00:47:02,950
He wasn't inside me yet.
850
00:47:02,950 --> 00:47:04,570
We both fucked up.
851
00:47:05,070 --> 00:47:07,400
But this is our chance
to do something right.
852
00:47:10,280 --> 00:47:11,450
Aww.
853
00:47:12,240 --> 00:47:13,950
Tyra moment.
854
00:47:13,950 --> 00:47:14,900
Yuck!
855
00:47:17,950 --> 00:47:19,240
How do we get them together?
856
00:47:19,240 --> 00:47:22,490
Zack clearly prefers to be
with gorgeous people
857
00:47:22,490 --> 00:47:23,740
like me and you.
858
00:47:23,740 --> 00:47:26,070
It takes a lot more than
a gym and some cucumbers
859
00:47:26,070 --> 00:47:27,530
to make someone gorgeous.
860
00:47:27,530 --> 00:47:30,400
The point is
Casey isn't even on Zack's menu.
861
00:47:30,400 --> 00:47:34,200
Exactly!
We're ordering from the wrong menu.
862
00:47:34,200 --> 00:47:37,530
We gotta go to
another restaurant where Zack is
863
00:47:37,530 --> 00:47:39,150
and order the hot dog.
864
00:47:39,150 --> 00:47:41,570
Because we really just want the bun.
865
00:47:42,610 --> 00:47:46,200
Or we could trick them into a date.
866
00:47:46,200 --> 00:47:47,860
That's what I just said.
867
00:47:57,740 --> 00:48:00,740
Hey there sausage, why the long dick.
868
00:48:00,740 --> 00:48:02,070
Oh, it's you.
869
00:48:03,610 --> 00:48:07,990
Yes, it's me,
the slut with the heart of shit.
870
00:48:07,990 --> 00:48:09,400
No argument here.
871
00:48:09,700 --> 00:48:12,360
I know. I'm sorry,
872
00:48:12,360 --> 00:48:15,570
I owe you a cocktail,
or at least a hand job.
873
00:48:15,570 --> 00:48:17,570
You've done enough, really.
874
00:48:19,700 --> 00:48:21,570
Actually, there is something you can do.
875
00:48:22,860 --> 00:48:25,030
Find me an auctioneer for the male sale.
876
00:48:26,280 --> 00:48:27,490
I'll do it.
877
00:48:27,740 --> 00:48:30,530
I used to run the auction
at my stepfather's Jude Ranch.
878
00:48:30,530 --> 00:48:32,200
Really? -Yeah.
879
00:48:32,740 --> 00:48:34,530
There's a lot people don't know about me.
880
00:48:37,610 --> 00:48:38,570
Listen.
881
00:48:39,320 --> 00:48:42,070
You need to know the truth about
what went down with Casey.
882
00:48:42,070 --> 00:48:43,700
Casey can suck my balls.
883
00:48:43,700 --> 00:48:46,070
Well, that's what he's been
trying to say all along.
884
00:48:46,070 --> 00:48:47,240
You know what I mean.
885
00:48:47,950 --> 00:48:49,240
I know.
886
00:48:50,360 --> 00:48:52,490
Come on, let me buy you a drink later.
887
00:48:52,490 --> 00:48:55,740
You shouldn't be alone
during this delicate juncture.
888
00:48:55,740 --> 00:48:57,400
Trust me, I've been there.
889
00:48:59,490 --> 00:49:02,110
Where is your fag hag anyway?
890
00:49:04,110 --> 00:49:06,570
Oh, come on, I'll sub for her.
891
00:49:07,490 --> 00:49:09,400
You can't sub for a best friend.
892
00:49:09,400 --> 00:49:11,740
You're gay
and I'm a straight girl of big tits.
893
00:49:11,740 --> 00:49:14,700
Evolution has genetically programmed us
to be there for each other.
894
00:49:14,700 --> 00:49:18,200
Like the clown fish and the sea anemone.
895
00:49:18,650 --> 00:49:19,780
Now, what'd you say?
896
00:49:27,400 --> 00:49:29,860
Casey! -Oh, hey.
897
00:49:29,860 --> 00:49:31,740
You, me, drinks. Tonight.
898
00:49:31,740 --> 00:49:34,700
No. What's up with you going out
with gay guys.
899
00:49:34,700 --> 00:49:36,950
I want to make up
for screwing up your game.
900
00:49:36,950 --> 00:49:39,150
Yeah, I don't think a Blue Ribbon
901
00:49:39,150 --> 00:49:41,990
or whatever it is straight guys
drink is gonna help.
902
00:49:41,990 --> 00:49:44,200
I'll put an umbrella in it.
903
00:49:44,860 --> 00:49:46,900
Awesome. I'll pick you up at 6:00.
904
00:50:02,450 --> 00:50:03,490
It's me.
905
00:50:03,490 --> 00:50:04,570
We're set.
906
00:50:04,570 --> 00:50:07,030
Great! Now be a good little stripper
907
00:50:07,030 --> 00:50:09,450
and do whatever it
takes to get those boys all
908
00:50:09,450 --> 00:50:11,740
horned up and ready to blow.
909
00:50:11,740 --> 00:50:13,950
I think they care about more than sex.
910
00:50:13,950 --> 00:50:16,240
Jesus, you sound like a woman
that isn't me.
911
00:50:16,240 --> 00:50:18,070
Of course they care about sex.
912
00:50:19,110 --> 00:50:21,610
If they don't,
that's what the alcohol's for.
913
00:50:21,610 --> 00:50:24,110
Well, you just show up
when you're supposed to.
914
00:50:24,700 --> 00:50:27,400
Honey,
I'm a as reliable as birth control.
915
00:50:27,400 --> 00:50:28,990
That's not a 100%.
916
00:50:28,990 --> 00:50:30,360
Take it or leave it.
917
00:50:35,950 --> 00:50:38,070
Tandy, what's up dragon lady?
918
00:50:38,070 --> 00:50:40,650
I got your non-call,
leave a fucking V.M. next time.
919
00:50:40,650 --> 00:50:42,900
You said you didn't want to hear
about gay problems.
920
00:50:42,900 --> 00:50:45,530
Good point, thanks for sparing me
the Queer as Folk rerun.
921
00:50:46,240 --> 00:50:47,150
Where are we going?
922
00:50:47,150 --> 00:50:50,070
To hang out with my new friend,
remember that girl, Tiffani.
923
00:50:50,070 --> 00:50:51,900
The sluttier version of Tara Reid?
924
00:50:51,900 --> 00:50:53,280
You're hanging out with her?
925
00:50:53,280 --> 00:50:55,110
She wanted to hear about my problems.
926
00:50:57,400 --> 00:50:58,700
I smell a rat...
927
00:50:59,450 --> 00:51:01,490
with fake tits.
928
00:51:03,490 --> 00:51:06,570
To all the boys I fucked
and never called back.
929
00:51:06,570 --> 00:51:08,240
That must be like a hundred.
930
00:51:08,610 --> 00:51:10,570
Like ten years ago maybe.
931
00:51:11,320 --> 00:51:12,780
Here's to me catching up.
932
00:51:18,400 --> 00:51:21,400
So, this whole Internet...
933
00:51:21,400 --> 00:51:22,110
Lie.
934
00:51:22,570 --> 00:51:26,360
Performance was totally 100% my idea.
935
00:51:26,360 --> 00:51:29,030
Casey had nothing to do with it.
936
00:51:29,490 --> 00:51:31,900
But he's the one who
chatted with me, right?
937
00:51:33,400 --> 00:51:34,570
Yes.
938
00:51:34,990 --> 00:51:38,320
But I practically raped him into it.
939
00:51:39,400 --> 00:51:42,320
So what he said,
how much of that was him?
940
00:51:44,570 --> 00:51:46,490
Just the good stuff.
941
00:51:47,990 --> 00:51:49,490
He's lucky to have you,
942
00:51:49,740 --> 00:51:51,400
except for the raping part.
943
00:51:52,610 --> 00:51:53,990
To the raping part.
944
00:51:54,530 --> 00:51:55,860
To the raping part.
945
00:52:14,900 --> 00:52:19,530
Trust me,
this is so much better than shaving.
946
00:52:19,530 --> 00:52:21,900
That feels really weird.
947
00:52:23,740 --> 00:52:26,150
Assholes are like snowflakes.
948
00:52:27,280 --> 00:52:29,200
Speaking of pretty assholes,
949
00:52:29,200 --> 00:52:32,320
why were you dating that Lionel guy?
950
00:52:32,700 --> 00:52:35,070
What? You've never dated
an asshole before?
951
00:52:37,740 --> 00:52:40,820
Honey, assholes are attracted to me
952
00:52:41,570 --> 00:52:42,820
like shit...
953
00:52:43,860 --> 00:52:45,450
to assholes.
954
00:52:45,450 --> 00:52:47,450
And why did you stay with them?
955
00:52:47,450 --> 00:52:48,610
Sex.
956
00:52:48,610 --> 00:52:51,070
Exactly! I have the same problem,
957
00:52:51,070 --> 00:52:52,700
I can't say no to cock.
958
00:52:52,700 --> 00:52:54,740
Oh, you're fucking to the choir.
959
00:52:54,740 --> 00:52:56,900
Dick, it just like...
960
00:52:57,400 --> 00:52:59,570
blinds me, you know.
961
00:53:01,570 --> 00:53:03,150
You ripped out my taint!
962
00:53:05,280 --> 00:53:06,240
My turn.
963
00:53:07,200 --> 00:53:10,900
You know, Zack is totally into you.
964
00:53:11,240 --> 00:53:12,490
No he's not.
965
00:53:13,240 --> 00:53:15,650
I need to give up
and go for someone uglier.
966
00:53:16,280 --> 00:53:19,030
Not like Michael Stipe ugly,
967
00:53:19,030 --> 00:53:22,030
but at least Rufus Wainwright ugly.
968
00:53:23,070 --> 00:53:24,570
I don't watch that show.
969
00:53:25,780 --> 00:53:28,530
But I've been watching gay guys
for years.
970
00:53:28,530 --> 00:53:30,990
See, they don't think
the strippers can see back,
971
00:53:30,990 --> 00:53:33,280
but we totally can.
972
00:53:33,280 --> 00:53:36,950
You guys' problem is
you don't even talk to each other,
973
00:53:36,950 --> 00:53:39,530
you're always waiting for someone else
to make the first move.
974
00:53:41,240 --> 00:53:43,030
I gave him my number,
975
00:53:43,030 --> 00:53:44,950
I volunteered for the male sale,
976
00:53:44,950 --> 00:53:46,400
I took off my shirt for him.
977
00:53:46,400 --> 00:53:48,900
I stalked him on the Internet.
978
00:53:48,900 --> 00:53:51,280
I made all the moves.
979
00:53:51,280 --> 00:53:53,030
But when'd you tell him you liked him.
980
00:53:55,900 --> 00:54:00,490
You know, you could cheat on me,
981
00:54:00,490 --> 00:54:03,320
steal all my money and kill my mother
982
00:54:03,320 --> 00:54:04,740
but if you're hot,
983
00:54:05,280 --> 00:54:09,400
I'll make excuses for you
until the day you leave me.
984
00:54:13,450 --> 00:54:14,610
Or turn gay.
985
00:54:15,530 --> 00:54:16,610
Or both.
986
00:54:18,900 --> 00:54:20,700
Oh, damn,
987
00:54:21,280 --> 00:54:22,700
all out of liquor.
988
00:54:22,700 --> 00:54:23,900
Let's get out of here.
989
00:54:24,320 --> 00:54:26,860
You can have that one,
I got plenty at home.
990
00:54:34,700 --> 00:54:37,360
That pizza ought to be here any minute.
991
00:54:37,360 --> 00:54:39,400
Yum, pizza.
992
00:54:40,240 --> 00:54:43,360
What if your boyfriend Zack
was the delivery boy?
993
00:54:43,740 --> 00:54:45,740
You are such a stripper.
994
00:54:46,200 --> 00:54:47,900
And he's not my boyfriend.
995
00:54:49,490 --> 00:54:51,860
I gotta hit the head,
get the door if the pizza comes.
996
00:54:53,200 --> 00:54:54,030
Ok.
997
00:55:41,990 --> 00:55:44,740
You've been a very bad boy.
998
00:55:46,700 --> 00:55:49,450
You have the right to remain sexy.
999
00:55:49,990 --> 00:55:55,240
Anything you touch will be held
against you in the court of my...
1000
00:55:59,740 --> 00:56:01,110
Hit me with that pepperoni!
1001
00:56:01,780 --> 00:56:02,700
Casey?
1002
00:56:05,400 --> 00:56:07,030
Gotta go, you two work it out, bye.
1003
00:56:10,400 --> 00:56:12,320
Damn it! -Hey Zack.
1004
00:56:12,320 --> 00:56:13,610
Nice hat.
1005
00:56:18,650 --> 00:56:20,110
Are they fucking yet?
1006
00:56:20,110 --> 00:56:21,820
Not even close.
1007
00:56:21,820 --> 00:56:23,150
Is this gonna work?
1008
00:56:23,150 --> 00:56:24,490
Trust me, it's science.
1009
00:56:24,490 --> 00:56:25,820
If you leave two dicks together,
1010
00:56:25,820 --> 00:56:28,070
eventually one of them's
going to need sucking.
1011
00:56:28,820 --> 00:56:29,950
Like prison.
1012
00:56:31,400 --> 00:56:35,650
I'm really sorry about what I did.
1013
00:56:35,650 --> 00:56:37,240
Who does stuff like that?
1014
00:56:37,990 --> 00:56:40,280
People with no self-esteem?
1015
00:56:40,280 --> 00:56:41,400
It's kinda mean.
1016
00:56:41,780 --> 00:56:43,900
I'm sorry, it got out of hand.
1017
00:56:43,900 --> 00:56:45,820
I just...I wanted to...
1018
00:56:46,280 --> 00:56:48,900
I don't know. I wanted to meet you.
1019
00:56:48,900 --> 00:56:49,900
You did meet me.
1020
00:56:49,900 --> 00:56:51,070
I know,
1021
00:56:52,070 --> 00:56:54,200
I'm just an idiot.
1022
00:56:56,360 --> 00:56:58,030
It's not a big deal, it's over.
1023
00:57:01,860 --> 00:57:03,070
Come on,
1024
00:57:03,070 --> 00:57:04,530
this is the part where you fuck him.
1025
00:57:04,530 --> 00:57:07,650
Man, he just looked at you. Look back.
1026
00:57:09,650 --> 00:57:12,070
The dick sucking principle
should take effect any second.
1027
00:57:12,070 --> 00:57:14,150
Nah, I've seen guys do this at the club.
1028
00:57:14,150 --> 00:57:16,360
They'll sit there for hours
and never say a word,
1029
00:57:16,360 --> 00:57:18,200
no matter how much they like each other.
1030
00:57:18,200 --> 00:57:19,490
Go do something.
1031
00:57:19,490 --> 00:57:21,030
There's nothing I can do.
1032
00:57:22,280 --> 00:57:23,450
Except...
1033
00:57:24,070 --> 00:57:24,820
What?
1034
00:57:24,820 --> 00:57:26,530
Work my stripper magic.
1035
00:57:26,780 --> 00:57:27,990
Stripper magic?
1036
00:57:27,990 --> 00:57:30,110
When I see two guys doing this
at the club,
1037
00:57:30,110 --> 00:57:33,200
I'll get between them and make them
put their hands all over me.
1038
00:57:33,200 --> 00:57:34,320
Then, I'll get out of the way
1039
00:57:34,320 --> 00:57:37,110
and they're so worked up
that they're all over each other.
1040
00:57:37,570 --> 00:57:39,570
You're like a stripper Harriett Tubman.
1041
00:57:39,570 --> 00:57:41,070
Exactly!
1042
00:57:41,360 --> 00:57:43,070
Get to it Harriett,
1043
00:57:43,070 --> 00:57:44,610
the dogs are coming.
1044
00:57:54,280 --> 00:57:56,030
Thank God, can we leave now?
1045
00:57:56,030 --> 00:57:59,450
You boys sit right there,
this party's just getting started.
1046
00:58:03,700 --> 00:58:05,900
Let me show you
some classic stripper moves.
1047
00:58:08,070 --> 00:58:09,570
What the fuck are you doing?
1048
00:58:09,570 --> 00:58:11,950
You guys are at full attention,
1049
00:58:12,360 --> 00:58:15,240
and Sergeant Ryan's here to release it.
1050
00:58:18,400 --> 00:58:22,950
Now, both of you make a wish
1051
00:58:22,950 --> 00:58:24,110
and pull.
1052
00:58:24,240 --> 00:58:25,990
You've got to be kidding me.
1053
00:58:26,110 --> 00:58:27,740
Well it is kind of an ugly shirt.
1054
00:58:28,240 --> 00:58:29,570
Totally generic.
1055
00:58:32,570 --> 00:58:33,700
That's more like it.
1056
00:58:35,530 --> 00:58:37,320
Free.
1057
00:58:37,740 --> 00:58:41,280
Now, rip open rigid Ryan's jeans.
1058
00:58:41,280 --> 00:58:42,240
You're straight?
1059
00:58:42,700 --> 00:58:45,990
We're just three dudes having some fun.
1060
00:58:45,990 --> 00:58:47,240
Now pull.
1061
00:58:51,030 --> 00:58:52,280
Are you hard?
1062
00:58:52,280 --> 00:58:54,400
Maybe. Are you?
1063
00:58:57,070 --> 00:58:58,530
Gotta get out of these pants.
1064
00:59:06,200 --> 00:59:08,400
There's never a sexy way
to get the jeans off.
1065
00:59:08,400 --> 00:59:10,240
I don't know, that's pretty...
1066
00:59:10,240 --> 00:59:11,320
Sexy.
1067
00:59:11,320 --> 00:59:12,450
Your turn.
1068
00:59:12,450 --> 00:59:13,200
For what?
1069
00:59:13,200 --> 00:59:15,110
For your free lesson in exotic dancing,
1070
00:59:15,110 --> 00:59:16,400
it's an actual skill you know.
1071
00:59:16,400 --> 00:59:17,240
I'm in.
1072
00:59:17,650 --> 00:59:18,990
I'll watch.
1073
00:59:18,990 --> 00:59:21,280
No looky-loos, come on.
Undo your shirts.
1074
00:59:22,200 --> 00:59:25,900
With more confidence. A slow reveal.
1075
00:59:29,200 --> 00:59:30,200
Good.
1076
00:59:30,360 --> 00:59:32,280
Now, when you get to the last button,
1077
00:59:32,280 --> 00:59:35,740
take your shirt at the collar
and slowly peel it off.
1078
00:59:37,320 --> 00:59:39,450
Good, that's hot. Yeah.
1079
00:59:40,780 --> 00:59:42,490
Now, pull your pants off like I did,
1080
00:59:42,490 --> 00:59:44,820
and lead forward, like this.
1081
00:59:49,570 --> 00:59:51,070
Come on, we're in underwear.
1082
00:59:51,070 --> 00:59:52,780
Zack, come here, take a side.
1083
00:59:57,360 --> 01:00:01,150
Well, that was certainly fun.
1084
01:00:01,360 --> 01:00:02,860
Now give me a lap dance.
1085
01:00:06,490 --> 01:00:07,610
How's this?
1086
01:00:07,610 --> 01:00:10,150
You dance like a straight boy.
1087
01:00:10,400 --> 01:00:12,530
You need to move them like this.
1088
01:00:12,530 --> 01:00:14,200
You're all thrust and no grind.
1089
01:00:14,200 --> 01:00:15,280
Casey, come here.
1090
01:00:16,150 --> 01:00:17,360
Put your hands here.
1091
01:00:18,740 --> 01:00:20,070
Feel this.
1092
01:00:20,820 --> 01:00:21,950
That's hot.
1093
01:00:31,030 --> 01:00:33,360
You know, you guys make a hot couple.
1094
01:00:36,740 --> 01:00:38,400
Guys, I think I'm gonna...
1095
01:00:38,400 --> 01:00:40,530
You're not gonna go anywhere
when you're that hard.
1096
01:01:02,610 --> 01:01:05,610
Oh yeah. That's so hot.
1097
01:01:05,740 --> 01:01:08,700
Oh my God, that is so fucking hot!
1098
01:01:33,150 --> 01:01:35,240
Fuck yeah, work that pussy.
1099
01:01:46,400 --> 01:01:48,110
And what do we have here?
1100
01:01:48,450 --> 01:01:50,200
Shew, get away.
1101
01:01:50,200 --> 01:01:51,900
I don't do the lesbian thing anymore.
1102
01:01:52,070 --> 01:01:53,780
I knew this was gonna happen.
1103
01:01:54,110 --> 01:01:55,110
You did?
1104
01:01:57,360 --> 01:01:58,360
Get over here.
1105
01:02:00,450 --> 01:02:01,490
What the...
1106
01:02:01,490 --> 01:02:03,240
Ready for the Zack special?
1107
01:02:08,200 --> 01:02:08,990
Help me.
1108
01:02:11,570 --> 01:02:13,530
Holy crap.
1109
01:02:13,780 --> 01:02:17,150
Oh yeah,
I've never had two months before,
1110
01:02:17,150 --> 01:02:19,700
yeah, one of you do the balls.
1111
01:02:20,150 --> 01:02:22,530
Oh my God!
1112
01:02:25,650 --> 01:02:27,240
Why are you fucking with Zack?
1113
01:02:27,240 --> 01:02:30,030
Technically I'm watching them
fuck with Zack.
1114
01:02:30,030 --> 01:02:31,860
I'm breaking up
that blow fest right now.
1115
01:02:31,860 --> 01:02:34,320
Over my hot dead body.
1116
01:02:34,320 --> 01:02:36,110
That's what I was planning.
1117
01:02:49,030 --> 01:02:50,820
Is that pussy juice?
1118
01:02:50,820 --> 01:02:53,200
A thousand dollars worth.
1119
01:02:58,360 --> 01:02:59,490
Guys,
1120
01:02:59,490 --> 01:03:02,820
I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna...
1121
01:03:02,820 --> 01:03:05,740
Jesus Mary Jenna Jameson!
1122
01:03:06,740 --> 01:03:09,400
I've never heard that without anything
in my pussy before.
1123
01:03:33,740 --> 01:03:34,740
Wow.
1124
01:03:35,400 --> 01:03:36,450
Wow.
1125
01:03:38,490 --> 01:03:39,900
Wow!
1126
01:03:40,860 --> 01:03:42,570
You fucking bitch.
1127
01:03:42,780 --> 01:03:45,070
Let me kick that pussy again.
1128
01:03:45,070 --> 01:03:46,700
Tandy? -Tiffani?
1129
01:03:46,860 --> 01:03:48,320
Sorry I'm late.
1130
01:03:48,780 --> 01:03:50,360
Woman things.
1131
01:03:55,030 --> 01:03:57,110
God, I miss that cock.
1132
01:03:57,110 --> 01:04:00,240
Are you ok? -Kill the bitch.
1133
01:04:00,240 --> 01:04:01,610
What the hell happened?
1134
01:04:01,610 --> 01:04:03,490
I was trying to protect you.
1135
01:04:03,860 --> 01:04:06,740
I appreciate it but it turns out
1136
01:04:06,740 --> 01:04:08,740
that everything's just fine.
1137
01:04:08,740 --> 01:04:09,990
Better than fine.
1138
01:04:09,990 --> 01:04:12,070
What? Are you life partners now?
1139
01:04:12,400 --> 01:04:13,650
I think we're...
1140
01:04:14,990 --> 01:04:17,490
Thanks to me and Ryan,
1141
01:04:18,240 --> 01:04:19,490
and Ryan's friend.
1142
01:04:20,900 --> 01:04:23,400
Zack, I have the perfect first date
for us.
1143
01:04:23,400 --> 01:04:24,950
Like your first date with him?
1144
01:04:29,240 --> 01:04:30,900
You're just like everyone else.
1145
01:04:30,900 --> 01:04:32,110
Fuck you!
1146
01:04:38,360 --> 01:04:40,240
You're all assholes.
1147
01:04:43,150 --> 01:04:44,900
I miss how we fuck.
1148
01:04:44,900 --> 01:04:46,990
Rigid Ryan misses you too.
1149
01:04:47,240 --> 01:04:49,070
Oh come on,
1150
01:04:49,070 --> 01:04:51,900
let's go suck the gay out of your cock.
1151
01:05:03,530 --> 01:05:04,740
I hate the Internet.
1152
01:05:04,740 --> 01:05:06,990
You can use it for things
other than sex.
1153
01:05:06,990 --> 01:05:07,990
Like what?
1154
01:05:08,900 --> 01:05:10,610
Well, maybe gay people can't.
1155
01:05:11,360 --> 01:05:12,990
Speaking of trolling for sex,
1156
01:05:12,990 --> 01:05:15,530
I can't believe Casey just slept
with the first thing that looked at him.
1157
01:05:15,530 --> 01:05:17,400
Ugh, I hate him. But in his defense,
1158
01:05:17,400 --> 01:05:18,900
you did sort of reject him.
1159
01:05:19,280 --> 01:05:20,320
So?
1160
01:05:20,320 --> 01:05:22,570
What did you do
when Lionel rejected you?
1161
01:05:22,570 --> 01:05:24,700
You trolled...
1162
01:05:24,700 --> 01:05:26,530
Online for sex.
1163
01:05:27,740 --> 01:05:29,610
I hate that you're always right.
1164
01:05:30,740 --> 01:05:32,820
It's like Jesus is my fag hag.
1165
01:05:32,820 --> 01:05:33,950
Wait, sorry,
I know you don't like being called...
1166
01:05:33,950 --> 01:05:35,150
I'm dealing with it.
1167
01:05:35,490 --> 01:05:38,070
I'm your fag hag.
1168
01:05:38,070 --> 01:05:42,150
Not a fag hag. Your fag hag.
1169
01:05:42,450 --> 01:05:43,950
Thank you sweetie.
1170
01:05:46,280 --> 01:05:49,240
But if I'm your fag hag,
then you're my gay bitch.
1171
01:05:52,570 --> 01:05:54,200
Gay bitch loves his fag hag.
1172
01:05:55,700 --> 01:05:57,860
You better bitch,
I got a black eye for you.
1173
01:06:09,400 --> 01:06:11,150
Casey? Honey?
1174
01:06:11,150 --> 01:06:12,360
I'm moving back home.
1175
01:06:12,360 --> 01:06:14,570
Can you drop me off at the bus station
when I'm done packing?
1176
01:06:14,570 --> 01:06:16,820
I thought you were making new friends?
1177
01:06:17,780 --> 01:06:19,450
Don't you like it here?
1178
01:06:19,450 --> 01:06:22,150
The cheap rent, the beautiful weather,
1179
01:06:22,150 --> 01:06:24,320
the abundance of gay ass.
1180
01:06:24,320 --> 01:06:27,900
I turned everything into a big wet mess.
1181
01:06:27,900 --> 01:06:29,450
Oh honey, it can't be that bad.
1182
01:06:29,450 --> 01:06:32,990
It's horrible!
It's like 9/11 but with sex.
1183
01:06:32,990 --> 01:06:34,860
Like a 69/11.
1184
01:06:34,860 --> 01:06:36,070
You're horrible.
1185
01:06:36,070 --> 01:06:37,990
Oh honey, come on.
1186
01:06:37,990 --> 01:06:40,320
I don't know
what kind of orgie-astic corfafel
1187
01:06:40,320 --> 01:06:42,530
you've gotten yourself wrapped up in.
1188
01:06:42,530 --> 01:06:45,610
But I do know that
when you run from your problems,
1189
01:06:45,610 --> 01:06:47,070
the location might change
1190
01:06:47,070 --> 01:06:50,400
but your problems will be
right there waiting for you.
1191
01:06:50,400 --> 01:06:53,530
Only there you won't have cheap rent
and this beautiful weather.
1192
01:06:53,860 --> 01:06:55,990
What about the abundance of gay ass?
1193
01:06:55,990 --> 01:06:57,900
Honey, you can find that anywhere.
1194
01:06:57,900 --> 01:07:02,570
Now come on, tell your auntie Helen
all about your problem.
1195
01:07:02,570 --> 01:07:04,990
I promise you won't shock me.
1196
01:07:04,990 --> 01:07:07,610
Ok, I pretended to be Ryan
to Zack online
1197
01:07:07,610 --> 01:07:09,360
but then Ryan showed up
and went out with Zack
1198
01:07:09,360 --> 01:07:10,610
to get back at Tiffani.
1199
01:07:10,610 --> 01:07:14,700
Anyway, I think Zack realized he liked me
for who I am and not the way Ryan looked
1200
01:07:14,700 --> 01:07:15,820
but he never told me.
1201
01:07:15,820 --> 01:07:19,200
So I fucked Lionel who was probably
just trying to get back at Zack,
1202
01:07:19,200 --> 01:07:21,450
and then Ryan got Zack and me
to give him a blowjob
1203
01:07:21,450 --> 01:07:22,950
in order to get us together.
1204
01:07:22,950 --> 01:07:24,650
And it actually worked.
1205
01:07:24,950 --> 01:07:28,070
Until Zack got a videoclip of
me and Lionel doing it.
1206
01:07:30,700 --> 01:07:33,990
So, Zack never told you how he felt.
1207
01:07:34,610 --> 01:07:35,650
Yeah.
1208
01:07:35,650 --> 01:07:39,150
And you're just gonna leave town
without giving him a chance to.
1209
01:07:39,150 --> 01:07:41,320
You're not leaving town you fuck tard.
1210
01:07:41,320 --> 01:07:43,570
We have a date
and I'm not running that auction alone.
1211
01:07:43,570 --> 01:07:44,900
The slut's right.
1212
01:07:44,900 --> 01:07:46,400
Don't pussy out on the youth center
1213
01:07:46,400 --> 01:07:48,950
just because someone hurt
your dick's feelings.
1214
01:07:49,610 --> 01:07:50,650
Love her.
1215
01:07:51,240 --> 01:07:54,030
Besides, when you run from your problems,
the location may change...
1216
01:07:54,030 --> 01:07:55,950
I already got that speech.
1217
01:07:56,650 --> 01:07:59,240
Than what are we waiting for, cum boy,
we're gonna be late.
1218
01:08:00,070 --> 01:08:01,070
Bah-bye.
1219
01:08:09,400 --> 01:08:11,110
I smell an open bar.
1220
01:08:11,110 --> 01:08:13,900
Get me anything with a whiskey
and nothing else.
1221
01:08:13,900 --> 01:08:15,030
Oh good, you came.
1222
01:08:17,700 --> 01:08:18,860
Oh my God, I did.
1223
01:08:19,200 --> 01:08:20,200
Zack, I...
1224
01:08:20,200 --> 01:08:22,070
Here's the stuff you need to say.
Don't bomb.
1225
01:08:22,400 --> 01:08:24,900
What's a "ligabut?"
1226
01:08:25,240 --> 01:08:26,530
That's LGBT.
1227
01:08:26,530 --> 01:08:27,280
What's that?
1228
01:08:27,280 --> 01:08:29,200
Jesus Christ,
I have to get you to the green room.
1229
01:08:29,200 --> 01:08:32,070
Zack, wait, I came to apologize.
1230
01:08:32,070 --> 01:08:35,320
Funny, originally you said you were
coming to support the gay community.
1231
01:08:35,320 --> 01:08:37,110
You know the gay scene
isn't really my thing.
1232
01:08:37,110 --> 01:08:39,360
You know for someone who talks down
on the gay scene so much,
1233
01:08:39,360 --> 01:08:41,650
you really go out of your way
to represent the worst of it.
1234
01:08:54,200 --> 01:08:55,530
Blowjob for your thoughts?
1235
01:08:55,530 --> 01:08:56,490
What do you want?
1236
01:08:56,490 --> 01:08:59,990
Come on, all I did was prove
that the guy you thought was your friend
1237
01:08:59,990 --> 01:09:01,240
is just a big phony.
1238
01:09:01,240 --> 01:09:02,400
You should be happy.
1239
01:09:02,400 --> 01:09:04,990
You thought that sending me
your sex video would make me happy?
1240
01:09:04,990 --> 01:09:07,070
I had to do something to keep you apart.
1241
01:09:07,070 --> 01:09:08,110
Why?
1242
01:09:08,110 --> 01:09:09,400
You know why.
1243
01:09:09,400 --> 01:09:10,610
Say it.
1244
01:09:10,610 --> 01:09:12,200
I was jealous, alright? Jesus.
1245
01:09:12,200 --> 01:09:13,030
I knew it.
1246
01:09:13,030 --> 01:09:13,990
And it wasn't just that.
1247
01:09:13,990 --> 01:09:16,530
I could tell you
were connecting with him.
1248
01:09:16,530 --> 01:09:17,650
I want you back.
1249
01:09:18,280 --> 01:09:20,740
Can you feel how badly I want you back?
1250
01:09:20,740 --> 01:09:22,900
I don't care how hot you are,
I need more.
1251
01:09:22,900 --> 01:09:24,490
You're so deep.
1252
01:09:24,490 --> 01:09:26,860
If it's deep to want
someone who's gonna respect me
1253
01:09:26,860 --> 01:09:28,240
and listen to me
1254
01:09:28,240 --> 01:09:31,030
and inspire me to do things
that I'd never thought I'd do.
1255
01:09:31,030 --> 01:09:33,450
Then yeah, I'm deep.
1256
01:09:33,450 --> 01:09:35,200
And you're too shallow for me.
1257
01:09:35,740 --> 01:09:37,030
Good luck raising money for your charity
1258
01:09:37,030 --> 01:09:40,400
without auctioning off my ass
and my friend's asses.
1259
01:09:40,400 --> 01:09:42,740
You wouldn't, this is for the community.
1260
01:09:42,740 --> 01:09:43,990
Fuck the community.
1261
01:09:43,990 --> 01:09:44,900
Lionel!
1262
01:09:48,200 --> 01:09:52,240
Hello, hello queers and wannabes.
1263
01:09:53,110 --> 01:09:56,450
Welcome to the tenth annual male sale.
1264
01:09:56,860 --> 01:09:57,990
Tenth?
1265
01:09:57,990 --> 01:10:01,240
I didn't think a gay could commit
to anything for that long.
1266
01:10:02,990 --> 01:10:06,780
I'm Tiffani,
your mattress of ceremonies.
1267
01:10:06,780 --> 01:10:08,490
I love that drag queen.
1268
01:10:11,700 --> 01:10:14,400
Zack, I'm sorry, I...
1269
01:10:19,200 --> 01:10:21,570
Now's your chance to prove you're really
here to support the community.
1270
01:10:21,570 --> 01:10:22,400
What?
1271
01:10:22,400 --> 01:10:23,950
Lionel and his friends
dropped out of the auction
1272
01:10:23,950 --> 01:10:25,070
and I need you and the strip master here
1273
01:10:25,070 --> 01:10:26,900
to get in your boxers
and let me sell you.
1274
01:10:26,900 --> 01:10:29,280
Take off my shirt on stage?
1275
01:10:29,280 --> 01:10:30,400
I'm in.
1276
01:10:31,280 --> 01:10:32,450
Zack, I'm sorry...
1277
01:10:32,450 --> 01:10:34,400
This is more important
than whoever you're sleeping with
1278
01:10:34,400 --> 01:10:35,400
or lying to.
1279
01:10:35,400 --> 01:10:38,240
This money helps support
the Matthew Shepard Youth Program,
1280
01:10:38,240 --> 01:10:39,650
the Matthew Shepard reading room,
1281
01:10:39,650 --> 01:10:41,240
the Matthew Shepard hotline
1282
01:10:41,240 --> 01:10:43,900
and the Matthew Shepard
homeless synchronized swim team.
1283
01:10:49,030 --> 01:10:53,200
Alright,
finally let's get to the prostituting.
1284
01:10:53,780 --> 01:10:56,110
Auctioning.
1285
01:10:56,530 --> 01:10:58,240
Bring out the meat.
1286
01:10:59,030 --> 01:11:03,820
For our first stud we have Lionel!
1287
01:11:08,990 --> 01:11:10,490
Casey!
1288
01:11:10,490 --> 01:11:12,490
Woo, Casey!
1289
01:11:12,490 --> 01:11:13,650
You go boy!
1290
01:11:13,990 --> 01:11:17,530
Look at his rippling muscles and sexy...
1291
01:11:19,070 --> 01:11:22,740
I'm sorry, this was for the guy
we were supposed to have.
1292
01:11:25,070 --> 01:11:27,570
Look at his...
1293
01:11:27,570 --> 01:11:29,200
personality.
1294
01:11:30,240 --> 01:11:32,280
Casey is an out of towner
1295
01:11:32,280 --> 01:11:36,740
that enjoys cruising online for Zack,
talking about Zack,
1296
01:11:36,740 --> 01:11:40,030
and working at Nail Me Salon.
1297
01:11:40,030 --> 01:11:42,900
Located at 4255 Hawthorne Lane,
1298
01:11:42,900 --> 01:11:44,490
call for an appointment.
1299
01:11:44,900 --> 01:11:45,860
Take off your shirt!
1300
01:11:47,320 --> 01:11:48,400
Ok,
1301
01:11:48,740 --> 01:11:50,150
now we're talking.
1302
01:11:50,860 --> 01:11:53,360
Have you ever seen such...
1303
01:11:54,400 --> 01:11:56,070
white flesh.
1304
01:11:56,570 --> 01:11:58,240
Ok, let's get the bidding started.
1305
01:11:58,240 --> 01:11:59,950
Who's gonna be first?
1306
01:11:59,950 --> 01:12:03,240
50 dollars, we got a 50 dollar bid,
who's gonna give me a 50 dollar bid?
1307
01:12:04,150 --> 01:12:06,070
50 dollars, 50 dollar bid!
1308
01:12:06,070 --> 01:12:07,240
10 dollars!
1309
01:12:07,240 --> 01:12:09,320
Bidding starts at 50, bitches.
1310
01:12:09,320 --> 01:12:10,070
11!
1311
01:12:10,070 --> 01:12:11,150
Take off your pants.
1312
01:12:11,150 --> 01:12:13,070
What? -We are desperate here.
1313
01:12:15,530 --> 01:12:16,650
And while you're stripping down
1314
01:12:16,650 --> 01:12:19,950
to your beautiful
Andrew Christian briefs,
1315
01:12:19,950 --> 01:12:24,070
why don't you tell us
what the Matthew Sh'PARD program
1316
01:12:24,070 --> 01:12:26,360
at the center means to you.
1317
01:12:42,200 --> 01:12:45,820
I used to think
the center didn't apply to me at all.
1318
01:12:46,740 --> 01:12:49,740
I thought it was just
a bunch of old guys
1319
01:12:49,740 --> 01:12:51,530
looking to get their rocks off.
1320
01:12:52,490 --> 01:12:56,450
But a friend forced me to volunteer here
1321
01:12:56,900 --> 01:13:02,070
where I met one of these old guys
face to face.
1322
01:13:04,150 --> 01:13:05,900
Boy, was I wrong.
1323
01:13:06,900 --> 01:13:08,900
He was a caring person,
1324
01:13:08,900 --> 01:13:12,150
emptying his wallet and busting his ass
to make sure that
1325
01:13:12,150 --> 01:13:13,950
people like me don't have
to go through the shit
1326
01:13:13,950 --> 01:13:15,700
that people like him had to.
1327
01:13:16,650 --> 01:13:20,200
And he's just one of
the dozens of people here
1328
01:13:20,200 --> 01:13:23,110
trying to help
thousands of kids like me.
1329
01:13:25,030 --> 01:13:30,950
I started this summer feeling
at odds with the gay community
1330
01:13:31,240 --> 01:13:36,490
but now I look out at your faces and
1331
01:13:37,030 --> 01:13:42,280
I see a friend who will do anything
to protect the people close to her.
1332
01:13:43,650 --> 01:13:45,900
An example for me to aspire to.
1333
01:13:47,450 --> 01:13:49,740
A bitch when you need one.
1334
01:13:51,240 --> 01:13:53,400
A family that won't let you fail
1335
01:13:53,990 --> 01:13:56,070
even when you've already
given up on yourself.
1336
01:13:58,240 --> 01:14:01,070
And a leader, who can change the way
we see each other
1337
01:14:01,070 --> 01:14:04,070
and teach us about the things
that really matter.
1338
01:14:07,110 --> 01:14:11,570
And I couldn't be prouder
to be a part of this.
1339
01:14:11,570 --> 01:14:12,650
100 dollars.
1340
01:14:12,650 --> 01:14:14,070
200 dollars.
1341
01:14:14,070 --> 01:14:15,490
500 dollars.
1342
01:14:17,200 --> 01:14:20,530
This is an unexpected surprise.
1343
01:14:21,820 --> 01:14:24,110
500 dollars,
1344
01:14:24,110 --> 01:14:27,400
we have a 500 dollar bid,
who's gonna give me 600?
1345
01:14:27,400 --> 01:14:29,570
3,200 dollars.
1346
01:14:30,700 --> 01:14:31,450
What?
1347
01:14:33,570 --> 01:14:36,400
3,200 dollars.
1348
01:14:37,200 --> 01:14:39,780
Not to be rude or anything but,
1349
01:14:39,780 --> 01:14:41,950
bitch, do you have that kind of money?
1350
01:14:41,950 --> 01:14:43,450
That's your Italy money.
1351
01:14:43,450 --> 01:14:45,700
I don't need to go to Italy for romance.
1352
01:14:47,240 --> 01:14:48,400
Sold!
1353
01:15:02,070 --> 01:15:05,240
Look at that sweet smile,
you're precious.
1354
01:15:07,570 --> 01:15:09,360
Ryan1989,
1355
01:15:09,360 --> 01:15:10,990
you are way hotter than your pic.
1356
01:15:10,990 --> 01:15:12,780
I'm so glad I stalked you.
1357
01:15:30,570 --> 01:15:33,150
It's not as hot without your dick
in the middle.
1358
01:16:17,400 --> 01:16:19,530
I don't know how
1359
01:16:20,360 --> 01:16:24,110
I found the sweetest thing around
1360
01:16:24,110 --> 01:16:27,280
Please tell me where have you been
1361
01:16:27,280 --> 01:16:29,740
It was long overdue
1362
01:16:30,900 --> 01:16:33,400
My hope is gone
1363
01:16:33,900 --> 01:16:37,570
in believing the two can be together
1364
01:16:37,570 --> 01:16:41,610
Baby I was wrong, so wrong
1365
01:16:41,610 --> 01:16:43,320
It's true
1366
01:16:44,490 --> 01:16:46,320
So let's take our time
1367
01:16:46,320 --> 01:16:48,570
We don't gotta rush
1368
01:16:48,570 --> 01:16:51,320
I want this to feel right
1369
01:16:51,320 --> 01:16:54,200
I don't wanna miss anything
1370
01:16:55,150 --> 01:16:58,320
So I'll have to hold on tight
1371
01:16:59,240 --> 01:17:02,610
I can't stop my head from spinning
1372
01:17:02,610 --> 01:17:05,700
We're on our way to a new beginning
1373
01:17:05,700 --> 01:17:07,200
Like a kid on the bed
1374
01:17:07,200 --> 01:17:09,990
I can jump for joy all day
1375
01:17:09,990 --> 01:17:12,820
It's you, it's you, it's you
1376
01:17:12,820 --> 01:17:16,240
I can't believe I can ever ignore you
1377
01:17:16,240 --> 01:17:19,610
wen I can say is how much I adore you
1378
01:17:19,610 --> 01:17:23,740
I'll never let anyone else get in our way
1379
01:17:23,740 --> 01:17:26,070
It's you, it's you, it's you
1380
01:17:26,070 --> 01:17:27,990
I remember the day
1381
01:17:29,320 --> 01:17:31,990
I remember the day that we first met
1382
01:17:31,990 --> 01:17:34,610
I knew right away
1383
01:17:34,610 --> 01:17:38,150
All along it's you
1384
01:17:39,530 --> 01:17:41,490
On our first date
1385
01:17:42,650 --> 01:17:46,650
I remember sitting right across from you
1386
01:17:46,650 --> 01:17:50,570
thinking to myself, do we have to go?
1387
01:17:51,280 --> 01:17:54,070
Can we just stay
1388
01:17:54,070 --> 01:17:57,450
I can't stop my head from spinning
1389
01:17:57,450 --> 01:18:00,570
We're on our way to a new beginning
1390
01:18:00,570 --> 01:18:02,030
Like a kid on the bed
1391
01:18:02,030 --> 01:18:04,900
I can jump for joy all day
1392
01:18:04,900 --> 01:18:07,700
It's you, it's you, it's you
1393
01:18:07,700 --> 01:18:11,110
I can't believe I can ever ignore you
1394
01:18:11,110 --> 01:18:14,450
when all I can say is how much I adore you
1395
01:18:14,450 --> 01:18:18,610
I'll never let anyone else get in our way
1396
01:18:18,610 --> 01:18:20,820
It's you, it's you, it's you
1397
01:18:20,820 --> 01:18:25,950
Cuz I'm crazy about you
1398
01:18:25,950 --> 01:18:33,740
I know you feel the same way too
1399
01:18:35,240 --> 01:18:38,450
I can't stop my head from spinning
1400
01:18:38,450 --> 01:18:41,610
We're on our way to a new beginning
1401
01:18:41,610 --> 01:18:43,150
Like a kid on the bed
1402
01:18:43,150 --> 01:18:45,990
I can jump for joy all day
1403
01:18:45,990 --> 01:18:48,780
It's you, it's you, it's you
1404
01:18:48,780 --> 01:18:52,150
I can't believe I can ever ignore you
1405
01:18:52,150 --> 01:18:55,530
when all I can say is how much I adore you
1406
01:18:55,530 --> 01:18:59,700
I'll never let anyone else get in our way
1407
01:18:59,700 --> 01:19:02,740
It's you, it's you, it's you
1408
01:19:02,740 --> 01:19:05,950
I can't stop my head from spinning
1409
01:19:05,950 --> 01:19:09,110
We're on our way to a new beginning
1410
01:19:09,110 --> 01:19:10,740
Like a kid on the bed
1411
01:19:10,740 --> 01:19:13,650
I can jump for joy all day
1412
01:19:13,650 --> 01:19:16,240
It's you, it's you, it's you
1413
01:19:16,240 --> 01:19:19,860
I can't believe I can ever ignore you
1414
01:19:19,860 --> 01:19:22,990
when all I can say is how much I adore you
1415
01:19:22,990 --> 01:19:27,110
I won't let anyone else get in our way
1416
01:19:27,110 --> 01:19:30,320
It's you, it's you, it's you
1417
01:19:49,450 --> 01:19:50,450
You ready?
1418
01:19:51,820 --> 01:19:54,240
If anyone ever sees this, I'll kill you.
1419
01:19:58,400 --> 01:20:00,070
Don't worry, it's just for us.
1420
01:20:01,570 --> 01:20:03,360
It is kind of hot.
1421
01:20:52,320 --> 01:20:54,240
Why does it say "broadcasting"?
-What?
100404
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