All language subtitles for minis.first.time.2006.internal.1080p.bluray.x264-regret (1)

As many of you know,

the past few months of my life
have been very difficult.

I don't know how I would have gotten
through it without all of you.

I really think it's a testament
of the love in this institution

that I stand before you today

as the first straight-C student
in school history

to be voted
valedictorian.

While I may not have
excelled in the classroom,

I think that
my recent experiences

in that bigger schoolhouse
we call life

has taught me a few lessons I'd like
to share with my fellow graduates:

Follow your heart
and don't question it,

no matter where
it tells you to go.

Trust me, it'll open up a world of new
experiences you can't even imagine.

I bet you're wondering what
a straight-C student is doing

giving
a valedictorian speech.

It wasn't easy,
believe me.

But with desire, focus

and the willingness to treat
any obstacle as an opportunity,

it's amazing what
you can accomplish.

See, I was blessed
with a terrific mom...

not only is she a lush,
but she also hates me.

A couple of days
before my birthday,

I overhear her ordering me
a male stripper.

Nothing says
"I love you"

like 10" of man meat
popping out of a cake.

And knowing
dear old Mom,

she'll try and nail him
after the party,

but not before she tends
to more important business

with her new best friend
Jelena Mariskova Flachsman,

the imported trophy wife
of our family lawyer Irv Flachsman.

Peggy told me
you found a new masseur.

- I hear he's...
- You heard right.

So can I have
his number?

Ahem...
we'll see.

That guy next
to Flachsman...

our neighbor
Mike Rudell...

big-shot TV producer
and the guy my mom screws

whenever the batteries
run out.

I'm totally addicted
to his new show.

Welcome to
"Absolutely Positive,"

the show where we give couples
who are about to get married

one last chance
to make sure they're...

- Absolutely positive!
- That's right!

See, I just don't
understand people

who live their lives
as one big routine.

They're basically saying,

"I'm not worthy of a unique
experience on this earth."

Well, sorry,
but I am.

What the hell is going on?
I told you to wait!

For God's sake,
she's not even here, you moron!

Shake it, baby!

My mother moved out
to LA from Ohio

when she was 20
to become an actress.

After a few years, she got knocked up
by a sleazeball producer

who told her she couldn't be on his show
unless she hoovered me out.

Mom was no genius,
but she was smart enough

to realize that
18 years of child support

was better than a couple of weeks
on his dumb show,

so I got to
stick around.

What Mom didn't count on
was the prick having a heart attack

and croaking
a year after I was born.

Look at me...
see what a happy baby I was?

That's because I wasn't old enough
to understand why she had me.

Here's me
on my first day of school.

Why am I smiling?

Because I got to spend
seven hours a day

with adults who didn't reek
of menthols and cheap Scotch.

That's me at my friend
Kayla's house.

There weren't
any sleepovers at my house.

I couldn't risk it after one
of the scumbags Mom brought home

tried to feel me up
after she passed out.

Kayla's dad
took this one, too.

Mom was sucking off
her producer to get an audition

for some lame show
called "Bikini Cove."

Got there late
and missed the whole thing.

Anyway, as far
as my graduation,

this time she had a great excuse
for missing it.

Mini! Mini!

When I call you,
I expect you to answer.

Sorry.

Don't patronize me.

- Sorry.
- If you're trying to get me to call you

a spoiled little ungrateful bitch,
you're outta luck.

I won't give you
the satisfaction.

Thanks, Mommy.

I'm going out
and I need you to wait here

for a delivery
from the liquor store.

He should be here
by 7:00.

Fine.

Hmm.

You should know that skirt
makes your thighs look fat.

Gosh, you're right, Mom.

I'm such a cow.

Honey, if I don't
tell you these things,

who will?

- Okay. Thanks.
- You're welcome.

It's funny how
my fat thighs

never seemed to bother
what's-his-name from the liquor store.

Hey, Mini.
How're you doing?

So Mom spent the next 12 years trying
to bag another elephant.

Then five years ago,
she met Martin.

He's a partner
at a public relation's firm,

which is ironic
because I can't remember

the last time they were seen
in public together,

or had relations.

You're home early.

Yeah, um...

client canceled
our dinner.

Protecting all those poor,
defenseless oil companies

from those big bad
environmentalists?

Well, somebody's gotta make
the payments on your Beamer.

Is your mother home?

No, she went to some party
off Beachwood.

She was in one
of her happy moods,

so I doubt
she'll be sleeping here,

in case you were thinking
of inviting a guest over.

I wasn't, but thanks
for your concern.

You're going out
on a school night?

Yeah.

Hmm.

Have you finished
your homework?

I haven't even
cracked a book.

To understand me,

you need to understand that life,
in my opinion,

is all about
new experiences.

"Firsts" is what
I call them.

And the goal of life...
any life...

should be to cram
as many firsts into it as possible.

After popping out of the cake,
I knew I had to top it,

but it was tough...

skydiving,
bungee jumping?

Please. It's more dangerous getting
on the freeway every day.

Then one night while cruising through
Hollywood, it hit me.

So I went to an escort service just
to see what would happen.

When they found out
how young I was,

they told me they had
a trick for me that night.

My first night as a call girl
was a serious letdown.

The guy said I looked
so much like his niece,

he just started whimpering
and praying for forgiveness.

Honey, what are you
doing here?

Did you have fun
tonight, honey?

For my first night
turning tricks,

it could have
been better.

That's nice.

That's so nice.

Nice, Mom.

In my bed.

After that night,
I told the escort service,

"No more clients
with a conscience."

They were happy to oblige
with a last-minute gig

at a corporate fuckpad
an executive keeps.

They said I was
just his type... young.

It's open.

Hello?

Can you fucking believe it?

Uh, hi.

Sorry I'm late.

It's okay.

Mind if I freshen up?

No, go right ahead.

My own stepdad?

My first thought was
"How sick is he?"

But then I started thinking,
"I'm one to talk,

and well, why not?

I mean, he isn't
my real dad,

and talk about
a first."

Then I thought, "If my mom can do
some strange guy in my bed,

I can do her strange guy
in this bed."

You doing okay
in there?

Just peachy.

Listen, sugar, would you mind
turning the lights off?

See, I'm kinda new to all this
and a little shy.

No problem,

but do you think maybe
we could get this show on the road?

Now close your eyes.

Come on.

You won't
keep them shut for long.

Just don't look around.

Now, close your eyes.

I literally couldn't feel
the ground under my feet...

a first
to top all firsts.

I knew I'd tell him one day,
but I wanted to savor it for a while.

Hey, you forgot
your keys.

Oh well, here's to
immediate gratification.

You were great.

What?

Oh...

Suddenly, he was
coming home every night

and even started asking me
about my homework.

How're you doin',
kiddo?

How are you making out
with those math problems?

'Cause, you know, if you ever need
any help, I could... you know.

Actually, I was thinking about starting
a 401K plan at work.

Could you help me pick
a good mutual fund?

All you did
was kiss?

Yeah, you don't
believe me?

No, of course,
I believe you.

Yo, Kayla,
I got some more

of what you were looking
for last Saturday night.

Aw, yeah yeah.

Actually, Troy,
I think you confused her

with that senile, toothless
grandmother of yours.

Come on, man.

Yo, Mini,

why don't you use that mouth
for something useful

and suck my dick?

Aw, yeah!

All right.

Hey!
What the fu...

Let me suck your dick, Troy.
You said I could.

- Yo, this ain't funny!
- Come on, baby, take it out!

I'm on my knees, Troy,
come on!

Jesus Christ, Mini!
What the fuck?

God damn, Mini!

Wait, I almost had it.
I almost had it.

Here it comes!

What's wrong,
stage fright?

Thank you.

I want you to know

that I feel horrible.

And not about what happened,
because that was an accident.

But I just keep thinking

I didn't know that
you were doing that.

And I just wonder how
things might have been

if you...

had a real father.

So what are
you saying, Martin?

You wanna be
my father now?

To be perfectly honest,

I loved it.
Talk about electric.

Knowing that any moment
she could walk in

was better
than any drug.

Mom thought it was cute
how we'd suddenly grown so close,

and thought it was wonderful how Martin
had taken an interest in my education.

Mini? Mini?

What, you don't know
how to knock?

Have you seen Martin?

No, I can't say
that I have.

He was in his study,
but I haven't been able to find him.

I assume he's gone out, so I've invited
Ricardo over for a cocktail,

and you know how
children make him feel very uneasy.

So I would really
appreciate it

if you and your friend
would stay in here

or use the backdoor
when he arrives.

Okay, not a problem.

Good.

Oh my God!

Now that we were
spending time together,

I actually started to find out
what Martin was like for the first time.

He wasn't the drip
I thought he was.

He was funny...

charming...

sweet...

and even a little shy.

Looking back, that may have been
the moment he fell in love.

This went on
for about two months

before we had the talk
we both knew was coming.

So...

So...

I don't want to sneak around
in my own house.

Well, I don't think
telling her is such a hot idea.

I don't even want to live
under the same roof with her anymore.

You can't leave.
She'll get half.

Can I ask how the hell
you married her without a prenup?

She wasn't as bad
of an actress as you think.

Well, there is
another option.

And what's that?

It'll take some planning,
some resolve.

- You wanna kill her?
- Yeah.

No! Of course not,
she's my mother.

Good, I'm glad
to hear you say that.

But I was thinking...

if she suddenly got ill...

- III?
...unstable...

unpredictable...

irrational...

dangerous, and the safety
of her husband...

her child...?

She'd have to be
sent someplace

where they could give her
the care she needs.

Yeah.

And it would be
for her own good.

Yeah.

As painful as it would be to be away
from my loving wife.

Well, you did it for the well-being
of your daughter...

the selfless act
of a devoted parent.

We'll find her a very comfortable place
out in the country.

With lots
of fresh air.

It'll be a much
better life for her.

So much better.

I awoke the next morning
as excited as I could remember.

Unlike most firsts
which are over too quickly,

this would take
determination...

stamina...

and imagination.

I decided
to start simply.

The school nurse, a lush
named Helga Hauptfuhrer...

or "Der F�hrer," as she was
affectionately known...

starts jonesing
for her afternoon nip

about 45 minutes
after lunch each day...

which leaves me free to help
myself to the candy store.

Slipping her the pills
was absurdly easy,

because for Mom,
every morning was Margaritaville

and I was
her bartender.

It was even easier
when the sun went down.

Mini, Diane,
I'm home.

I turned her nightcap
into an all-nightcap.

And after three days
of this,

the fireworks were
about to begin.

Peggy from Hays, Kansas.

Phase one:

Violent mood swings-
slash-uncontrollable rages.

God damn it.

Damn it! God damn it!

Where are they?
I'm gonna be late!

Fucking shit!

Where the fuck are they?

It took me three weeks
to get the appointment with Fabrizio!

Fabrizio Santano:
Masseuse to the stars

and reported possessor
of one of the biggest schlongs in town.

Rumor has it
he's pourin' the pork

to every rich wife
between Malibu and Pasadena.

Now I'm gonna miss it

because I can't find
my fucking keys!

I could use
a little help over here!

Diane, do you remember
where you left your keys

when you came home
last night?

Oh yeah, I put them
in the fucking bowl

next to the fucking door
like I always fucking do.

Well, you were kind of
out of it last night.

I was not.

I had one drink
with Peggy... one!

Are you sure
about that?

- Yes, I'm sure.
- 'Cause you seemed a little bit too...

Dickless wonder.

Mini, I'm taking
your car.

Martin, you drive her
to school.

- I've got a meeting with Chapman.
- Tell him it's an emergency.

- He's one of our biggest clients!
- Who gives a fuck?

You're not a dickless wonder.

Thank you.

- Hello, Fabrizio?
- Yes, what is it?

It's Diane.

Diane Spechtenstein?

- Tannen.
- Oh, I'll be seeing you shortly, no?

Listen, I'm going to have to
cancel our appointment.

Aw, something come up?

Yeah, something came up.

Oh, that's so good.

- Fabrizio.
- Ms. Tannen?

- Jelena?
- Diane, what are you doing here?

- What the hell are you doing here?
- Easy now, Ms. Tannen.

You called.
You canceled 30 minutes ago.

I did not call
and cancel, Fabrizio!

I talked to you myself.
You said something come up.

You knew I had
an appointment today.

Did you call
and pretend to be me?

Are you drunk?
How could I possibly sound like you?

Yeah, that's true.

Five minutes,
Ms. Tannen.

Bitch.

Ms. Tannen,
wait in the recovery room.

Fabrizio, I never need
the recovery room, you know that.

Did I tell you
to stop?

What part of "Don't stop"
didn't you understand?

- Five minutes.
- But this is my appointment!

Fabrizio, get off of her
right now!

I've got him
for 55 more minutes!

- Wait your turn!
- It's my turn! It's my appointment!

Look, if you're not
going to wait outside,

at least shut
your goddamn mouth

and let me
enjoy this!

- Get off of her!
- Don't you fucking talk to me!

- Right now!
- Throw her out!

- Faster!
- Get off!

Don't or I'll have immigration
up your ass!

You sneaky little bitch!

Do you think
she'll press charges?

Are you fucking kidding me?
She should get 20 to life.

When I told Peggy and Margo
about the stunt she pulled,

both of them said they would have
ripped her eyes out.

She'll be lucky
if anybody talks to her again.

Here comes
the choo-choo.

For God's sake,
I didn't break both hands!

God, I still can't
believe you broke your hand on her face.

That's so Linda Hamilton.

I hope she enjoys shitting
out the teeth she swallowed.

Phase two:

Wild shopping sprees carried
out in a euphoric state.

Divine Productions,
Carlos speaking.

Hello, Carlos.
It's Diane Tannen calling.

Se�ora Tannen.

Listen, I'm going to need
a delivery to the house.

Hey, where do you
want these?

I don't know.
My mom ordered them.

The eucalyptus pods
and bamboo and...

The giraffe can
clean its own ears with its tongue

because the tongue is approximately 21"
long. Is that true or false?

Carlos?! What...?

What the fuck is
going on, Carlos?

Oh, Se�ora Tannen, it's the stuff
you ordered for the party yesterday.

Ordered? I didn't
order anything!

What the fuck are you
talking about?

- Are you invited?
- I don't think it's a party.

I think they're having
a family event...

a dysfunctional circus.

Mom, look at
the monkey.

You did. You called me
yesterday on the phone. We talked.

I didn't call you!
I did not!

You were talking about
a party on the phone.

Right after you washed
your painkillers...

- Shh!
- Right.

- I didn't...
- You said you wanted...

...organize a party, Carlos!
- Shangri-la,

- that's what you said to me.
- Shangri-la, oh yeah.

One, two, three.

I'm coming, I'm coming!

And you're not gonna be
helping me ever again,

because you know what?
You suck.

Oh shit!

What the fuck is
going on here, Carlos?

Who ordered
all this stuff?

I didn't order it.

I wouldn't do anything
without your permission,

but Mrs...
Se�ora Tannen...

Martin, I...

Diane...

did you order
all this stuff?

No, I didn't.

I didn't order anything.

Come inside with me,
Diane, because...

- come inside.
- I didn't order anything!

Over the next few days,

whenever Mom passed out
from too much drinky-drinky,

I'd pull out her wallet
and reach out and touch someone.

After a week of my version
of the Home Shopping Network,

the doorbell might as well
have been a cannon.

Oh God.

Mini! Jesus Christ,

I asked for that drink
10 minutes ago.

Put it here.

Help me.

You're welcome.

Jesus Christ.

Anything else
I can do for you?

Mm...

Sweetie, that is yummy.

What's in it?

Phase three:

Rambling
incoherent monologues in public.

I just clammed up, you know,
It was just weird.

You know, eventually
I just said to him,

"Sorry, Fabrizio, but it's just not
a safe haven anymore."

She has ruined it
for all of us.

Oh boy, oh boy.
You know...

- You know I love you!
- She looks so lovely, doesn't she?

She looks lovely, but I'm gonna take out
a restraining order. I got news for you.

What happened...
yeah, I heard about that incident.

Here she comes.

Jelena, my God,
your dentist is a genius.

I'd never know those
weren't your real teeth.

You stay the hell
away from me, you psycho,

- You're lucky I didn't...
- I'm lucky? No no no no.

Let me tell you something:
Fabrizio will not return my calls

because of you,
you fucking bitch!

Let me tell you something:
That shit may fly in Siberia,

but it does not fly
on Mulholland, you got it?!

- She hit my wife.
- Really?

Like I said,
get some help!

Yeah well,
whatever.

She's fucking
unbelievable!

I'm telling you,
the best thing I ever did

was break my hand
on that bitch's face.

- Yeah.
- I think she's troubled, you know?

She has a beautiful nose.
I love her nose.

I feel fucking fantastic!

Like, I feel like
I could run a marathon,

- you know what I mean?
...each and every juror in the eye.

Juries!

Can I please come over
and talk to you about juries?

I've always wanted to say
the words, "You're guilty!"

What do you guys think happens in those
sequestered situations?

Do you think they have sex, the jurors?
I think they really get it on.

Are you looking
at my tits?

You crazy fuck!

Oh, you know,
I was an actress.

I don't know if you
know that about me.

I almost had this role
on "Bikini Cove."

I almost had two lines.
My one line would have been this:

"Um, I'll have another
sex on the beach."

Mmm.

That show was a really
fucking fantastic show.

It was very creative.
Cheesy drink, but it's a drink anyway.

I like Scotch.
Isn't that fun?

I had to suck off the executive producer
for that audition,

but, hey, I almost got
my SAG card,

- so I felt it was worth it.
- I need a refill.

- Yeah, me too. If you'll excuse us...
- But we were talking

- about juries and sex on the...
- Excuse me.

You know, hey hey hey,
cock breath!

Oh my God.

Listen, good job,
but I need more warning.

I was at dinner
with Chapman.

I can't
reschedule again.

I know, but it was
a golden opportunity.

You always said
you can't pay enough

for good publicity, right?

What the hell?
Can you control her, sir?

Ooh!
Bye, everybody!

I'll see you later!

At this point with
all those witnesses,

Martin thought we could get a shrink
to have her sent away.

My feeling was
that until they were ready

to weld the door
to her padded cell shut,

there was still
more work to be done.

Fabrizio,
it's Diane.

Hi...

Do you think you could call me?
I've called you a few times.

I just...
I need to talk to you.

Ciao.

- Feel okay?
- Yeah, great.

I'll be right back
with your two iced teas.

So was there any reason
why we couldn't just meet at my house?

Honestly, because I want
some witnesses around

in case you fucking
lose it again.

In case I...

you're unbelievable,
Jelena.

For God's sake,
get a grip.

All the shit you've
been talking about me

to Peggy, Barbara,
and Trish has to stop!

After your performance
the other night,

I can't believe I'm even
giving you a warning.

- Ha! A warning?
- If you keep this up,

- I will make my husband...
- Your husband? Oh right!

- Give me a break!
...and mental anguish!

Are we clear?

I'm, like, "Dude,
all I wanted was..."

Hey, boys.

Wanna have a little fun?

- You are losing it.
- That's so funny, you know?

Final phase:

Complete
psychotic breakdown.

- Hello?
- Diane.

Fabrizio, is that you?
How are you?

I can see you.
Can you see me?

Who is this?

Do you feel safe?

This isn't funny.
I'm hanging up.

Hang up
and you're dead.

- Is this a joke?
- I assure you I'm no joke.

By the way, that pink scarf
is very fetching.

Who is this?
Just...

Take it easy!

- Get away from me!
- What the hell is your problem?

Leave me alone!
Leave me alone!

Maybe you should make a run for that
silver Jag you drive home

to Mira Loma Lane.

- How do you know where I live?
- I know everything.

What do you
want from me?

- Ma'am?
- What?

I'm gonna have to ask you
to leave the mall.

I-I can't leave.
He's...

He knows where I live.
I can't.

Who knows, ma'am?

This man has been
terrorizing me on the phone.

He's... hello?

Yeah, this is Franklin.
We've got a code seven.

- You've gotta come with me.
- Don't touch!

- Ma'am?
- Don't you dare touch me!

Settle down.

Hey, get off of her!

The other arm!

Get the cuffs on her!

Come on, ma'am!

After her performance
at the mall,

I'm sure she would have qualified as
committable, but that wasn't enough.

I wanted her to beg the boys
in white coats to take her away.

So, Mom, we're gonna
go out to dinner.

Do you want us
to bring you back something?

Are you both going?

Why don't you just
come with us?

You haven't left
the house in three days.

I can't.

Okay.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Oh my God!

Shit.

What do you want?!

Oh my God!
Oh my God!

Shit!
Oh, please, God!

- Please... ma'am?
- 911 emergency, please hold.

Fuck fuck fuck!

Oh my God!
Oh my God!

Oh my God,
oh my God!

Shit, oh my God.
Oh my God!

Oh God!

Oh, shit!

Oh God! Shit!

Help!

Oh my God,
oh my God!

Our work finished.

We returned home expecting to find her
blabbering like a three-year-old.

Mom, we're home.

Diane, honey...

we brought you
a pulled pork plate.

Diane, wake up.
It's us.

Wake up, Mommy.

Diane, come on.

Diane, come on,
wake up.

Martin, I just picked these sleeping
pills up for her yesterday.

I suppose we should
call an ambulance.

Do you really think
they can save her?

I don't know.

She'll only try it again,
you know she will.

She will if we keep
torturing her like this.

Mini, this is wrong.
I'm gonna call an ambulance.

Hold on,
wait wait wait.

Who are we to say
her choice is wrong?

She put the pills
in her mouth.

I thought we agreed
that murder was out.

I wouldn't exactly
call this murder.

I mean, if anything, we're just helping
to fulfill her last wish.

Mini, she wouldn't have
done this unless we...

Mini, for God's sake,
the woman still has a pulse.

All right, look, you can
cut the indignant outrage,

because if you really cared, you would
have already dialed 911.

Can't we just admit
how lucky we both are?

This is the perfect alibi...
she put the drugs in her system.

You're saying we should
just leave her here.

Can you think of one person
who would say she's sane at this point?

We're so close
to being free.

Let's just let nature
take its course.

So we passed the time
watching my favorite show.

Our first couple's
from Bakersfield, California...

Suzanne Terasado
and Gene Scalzo.

They're gonna get married
in three weeks, folks.

Date's coming up
pretty soon, huh?

Don't answer that question.
But first,

we send you out
on some dates huh?

- We have to speed this up.
- What?

We can't wait anymore,
Martin, okay?

Our alibi's only believable
for maybe another hour.

We can say
we went to a movie after dinner,

but if she doesn't croak by midnight,
we can forget about this.

What exactly
are you suggesting?

Come on,
we don't have time.

Look, if we're gonna
screw up the details,

we might as well call San Quentin
and tell them to fire up the Dutch oven.

You almost finished?

What's the one thing
all her friends

are gonna be talking about
when they find out?

"How did she look?"

Do you think anyone would think twice if
the answer's "Fabulous"?

Well, if you have
any last thoughts,

I think that now would probably be
the appropriate time.

You could pretend
to have a little remorse.

No no no! Wait wait wait!
She's gonna be fine!

Just tell me that
she's gonna be okay!

Mr. Tannen, I think you should take
your daughter into the house.

I don't wanna go
in the house right now!

She's gonna
be fine, right?

Just say that
she's gonna be fine first

and then I'll go
in the house!

It's gonna be okay.
Come on, go inside.

All right, we're almost
wrapped up in here.

I'll see you tomorrow.

- Mr. Tannen.
- Oh.

- Yes.
- Hi.

Detective
Dwight Garson, L.A.P.D.

I'm very sorry
to be here right now,

but, you know, whenever there's
an apparent suicide,

we're required to do
an investigation

just to rule out
homicide.

- Right.
- It's really just a formality.

Formality?

My mother just
killed herself.

They haven't even taken her away yet.
What's wrong with you?

Mini, honey, the man
is just doing his job.

I don't care.
Tell him to leave. This is outrageous.

- Could we do this some other time?
- Of course, Mr. Tannen.

I appreciate that.
Thank you.

But I will need to ask you

just a few simple questions
before I leave, if that's okay.

- Okay.
- I'm sorry, but did you hear him?

I believe he said
you need to leave.

Mini, let's go
to your room,

and you lie down for a little while,
please. Come on.

So after dinner
and the movie,

we came home at 11:30
and found her in the garage,

and I... turned off
the car,

and I opened
the garage door

to let the fumes out.

So... your wife
would have done this

sometime between
8:00 and 11:33

when you made
the 911 call?

- Yes.
- So this was your wife's car?

Yes.

And...

was it in the garage
when you went to dinner

or did she drive it in?

- Is that important?
- Oh well, you know,

I'm just kind of trying
to reconstruct what happened.

Well, when my wife
came home from the mall,

we had the car towed here
and we put it in the garage.

Well, if it's okay,

I'm gonna have them
impound it,

and we'll take it
down to the crime lab.

Take it down
to the crime lab?

Yeah, again, you know,
it's just purely routine.

Right.

Yeah...

so, uh...

have you... have you
found a note yet?

You mean
a suicide note?

Yeah, usually the deceased
tend to leave one.

Uh no no,
we haven't,

but we haven't been
looking for one either.

Right.

Right...

Well, do you mind
if I have a look around?

No no no.

Who cares if we
didn't leave a note?

- Just relax!
- He says...

So what? He'll do
his little dance,

and chalk it up
to another failed actress

who realized after 40
she might as well be dead.

Okay.

- Shit!
- What?

I forgot about the sweatsuits
and the goggles.

I already snuck out back
and threw them

in Mike Rudell's
garbage cans.

Good. Very good.

Just relax.

We did it.

We're free.

Before that, I was actually
working in catering,

but I discovered I had
this amazing talent

to read people's flower auras.
If I may just...

Venus flytrap.

You scared me.

Just keep 'em coming.

It's a tragic tragic loss.

- Thank you so much.
- Is this soy?

- You know, this could be tofurkey.
- Not for me.

Is this tofurkey?
It could be okay.

- It's good.
- You're so delighted by small things.

Mm. Does anybody know how...
how is Mini doing?

I hear she's
totally devastated.

- She's... wh... what?
- Just look at her.

Martin, I mean, think of him.
He's a single parent now.

He's going to need all the support
he can get from family and friends.

Oh, it takes a village.

The wake was a riot.

With Mom out of the way,
Martin suddenly became

prime target
number one.

Would you excuse me?

She wasn't even cold yet,

and already her friends
were realizing

whoever could dump
their hubbies the fastest

could actually marry someone
they'd want to sleep with.

- Martin?
- Hi.

How are you holding up?

Well, the nights
are the roughest.

I hope you know that despite our
little disagreement,

Diane was like
a sister to me.

I know.

And if you ever need
someone to talk to,

or even just a hug...

I can be over
in 10 minutes.

After the funeral,

I felt it would be a good idea if
we took a vacation,

and went someplace where we can act
like a real couple for the first time.

I could feel that Martin had let
that whole thing with the cops go.

It had been two weeks
since Mom's death,

and already it felt like
it happened a year ago.

Martin? Mini?

Hi. I thought
that was you.

Mike, what are you
doing here?

Uh, last week
Mini mentioned

that you guys were gonna
come down here for a little R and R,

and I suddenly realized
that I hadn't taken a vacation

in God knows when.
Jennifer, this is Martin Tannen,

my next-door neighbor
and his daughter Mini.

And here's the kicker.

Jennifer works for
the same escort service that I did.

I'm sorry, Jennifer,
but have we met?

You look really familiar.

I don't think so.

No? Are you sure?
Have we worked together?

That's impossible, because I just moved
here from Canada...

the Yukon Territories.

I just wanted
you both to know

how sorry I am
for your loss.

Our loss?

He just lost six or seven freebies
a year from Mom.

Look at him.
He's a profile in courage.

If there's anything
that I can do

for either of you,

don't hesitate to ask.

Remember, I'm just...
I'm right across the fence.

Thanks, Mike.

We appreciate that.

Breakfast tomorrow...
frittata.

I'm sending over
a frittata for you guys.

Don't be surprised.
Okay, bye-bye.

Why did you tell him?

I was just being
friendly, okay?

I didn't think
he'd actually come.

He knows.
He found the goggles and the clothes,

and he fuckin' knows.

I doubt he even knows
where his trash cans are.

Relax, it was
just a coincidence.

Coincidence or not,
he saw us together.

Let's go,
let's get in the car.

- It was dark...
- Let's go to the airport.

- It was dark outside.
- No no no no no.

He was toying with us.
You didn't see that,

the way that he was
toying with us?

- No, I didn't.
- No?

No.

What is he
gonna do, huh?

Go home and tell everyone
we're a couple?

We'll just laugh it off
and say he vacations with hookers.

Okay, thank you.

Let's get in the car
and let's go to the airport now.

- Come on.
- Martin, come on.

Calm down, all right?
Nothing is going to happen.

Let's just go inside
and have another drink, okay?

- Aurelio?
- S�, se�orita?

Hi, we're actually
gonna stay,

so can you bring
these bags in for us?

But of course.

No thank you.

The next few days
were a real hoot.

Suddenly, Martin was acting like
he really was my father.

We returned home
and things didn't get much better.

What little sex
we were having was getting dull.

I tried spicing things up
with a little role-playing,

but I was becoming concerned
that in my world of firsts,

I'd achieved my greatest first
at too young an age.

- Hi.
- Yes?

Minerva Tannen,
Detective Garson.

I don't know if you remember me
from that night.

Drogues.
My last name is Drogues,

and yes, I remember you.
You were the bighearted lug

who wanted your questions answered
while my mother was still warm.

Again, I'm sorry
about that night,

but it is policy that
we get the preliminary facts

as soon as possible.
Sorry.

- What do you want?
- I need to ask you a few more questions

about your mother's death.

- All right, come in.
- Thank you.

I know it's
stupid as hell

to talk to a cop
without a lawyer,

but I didn't want
to look jumpy.

At my first
real interrogation,

I could literally feel
something tingle deep inside.

It's a little early
for the prom, isn't it?

A girl can dream,
can't she?

It's perfectly legal,
sure.

So, anyway,

we got the preliminary
coroner's report.

Although the pills rendered
your mother unconscious,

she died from the carbon monoxide
fumes from the exhaust.

Is that important?

Well, it's just
a little unusual

for a suicide victim
to use two methods.

Well, maybe she wanted
to drift off before the fumes got her.

Yeah, I suppose
you're right.

We also got
the phone records

and there was a 911 call
placed at 8:12.

It was a hang up.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Any idea why your mom
might have called 911?

Okay, fine.

This may be the most exciting thing
I've done in a while,

but even I know
when the rush isn't worth the risk.

Listen, Detective, I think you should
come back when my father's home.

He'll probably be upset
that I let a stranger in the house.

Yeah, I think
you're safe with me.

Even so,
he won't be happy.

Not a problem.

So will he
be back tonight?

- I'll give him a call.
- Okay, thanks.

And you let him in?

It would have looked worse
to be defensive.

And when's
he coming over?

Tonight.

Tonight?
I've got a dinner with Chapman.

I've already canceled
on him twice.

Damn it!
Why didn't you call me?

I'm sorry.
I didn't know you had plans.

All right, listen,
I'll be home early

so we can get
our story straight, okay?

Okay.

I really do appreciate
you taking the time to help us out.

You know, there's just a few
loose ends we need to tie up.

Absolutely. What would
you like to know?

Well, there seems
to be some question

as to the time
of your wife's death.

You said that you went
to dinner and a movie?

Detective, I don't mean to sound
overly sensitive,

but do I need
my attorney here?

Because these sound like the questions
you would ask a suspect

in a homicide
investigation.

Well, Mr. Tannen, I really just kinda
wanna finish this up, you know?

I have real homicides
that need my attention.

So how about this?

You know,
I'll ask you some questions,

and the ones you
don't want to answer,

well, we can
just skip those.

Yeah, that sounds good,
doesn't it, Dad?

Let's just get this
over with.

Please go ahead.

All right. You said that after dinner
you went to a movie?

- That's right.
- Start time: 9:00.

- What'd you see?
- We saw that Jackie Chan movie

where he tries to stop the terrorists
from blowing up Mount Rushmore.

Running time:
115 minutes.

Yeah, a buddy of mine
saw it.

He said that the ending
was pretty crazy.

For God's sakes, does he think
we wouldn't actually see it?

Yeah, they're sliding down
Washington's nose,

and the guy's got
the bomb strapped in.

Don't tell him.
He hasn't seen it yet.

- Another demerit for me.
- Aw, that's okay.

So, uh,
where'd you see it?

- The Galleria.
- Drive time: 17 minutes.

- And you got home when?
- 11:30.

Precisely, with
12 minutes of previews.

You didn't think
we'd forget the previews?

Detective, if you don't have any further
questions, it is a school night.

Oh right, yes.
Sorry.

No, I think that about wraps it up
for now. Thanks.

For now?

Detective,
we're trying very hard

to put back the pieces
of our lives.

And every time you come by,
you dredge all this up again.

I've already told you
everything that I know.

Sorry, I wish I could be
more definitive... I can't.

Well, I'm telling you that if you do
come back with more questions,

I hope it's because you're
charging us with something.

Us?

I can't believe I let you
talk me into this.

I'm sure that was
just routine stuff.

Honey, that was anything but routine,
let me tell you.

Nice use
of the word "us," by the way.

It slipped out, okay?
I'm sorry.

You know, if I had a nickel
for every time I heard that...

Okay.

Just chill out,
all right?

I'm sure this will all
blow over in a few days.

Chill out?
Did you just tell me to chill out?

You realize they could go
for the death penalty, don't you?

He was probably
just trying to spook us.

They only try to spook you
if they really think you did it.

Look, it was
a great plan, okay?

No one can prove that we put those pills
in her mouth because we didn't.

If it's such a great plan,
then why am I

canceling dinners with important clients
to accommodate a detective

who doesn't believe
that it was a suicide, huh?

If you're so
fucking smart!

See you later.

Where are you going?

Out.

A phone call would have
been appreciated at some point.

I was worried about you.

Martin, I'm not sure
you're aware,

but at this point
you can't be my dad and my lover.

I'm not saying that
as your dad.

Before your mother
and I grew apart,

I would be worried
when she was out late.

Well, I'm not her,
so I can assure you

you won't find me drunk, passed out in
some greaseball's fuckpad

with my panties around my ankles...
unless I choose to.

What the hell
has gotten into you?

I express some concern for you,
and you threaten me?

Mini, when you're
in a relationship,

it's okay to worry
about someone.

Have you ever been
in a relationship, Mini?

My God, you haven't,
have you?

Congratulations,

you're my first.

Good morning.

- This just arrived for you.
- Thank you.

Martin Tannen's office,

how may I help you?

Yes, everything
has been resolved.

Thank you so much
for calling.

- Lois.
- Yes?

We have to reschedule
the Chapman meeting.

I know, just tell them
it's an unavoidable emergency.

Shit shit shit
shit, fuck fuck!

Are you okay?

What do you mean you don't keep records
of who the senders are?

When it's paid cash,
we only keep records

on packages.
Not envelopes.

Excuse me.

- Yeah?
- Mr. Tannen?

- Uh-huh.
- I just spoke to Mr. Chapman.

- Uh-huh.
- He... he told me to tell you

that he is going to be seeking a new
firm to handle his company's needs

and Mr. Mather
and Mr. Boyd

have asked to see you
when you return to the office.

Thank you, Lois.

What's up, guys?

Have a seat.

Do I want
to have a seat?

We just got
a call from Chapman.

Well, the old guy
is a little unstable, we all know that.

"Unstable"?

He told us you canceled three meetings
on him at the last minute.

Well, Jesus, my wife
just committed suicide,

so please forgive me
if I've been a little...

No one's saying this hasn't been
a difficult time for you,

but whatever's been distracting you,
Martin, started long before that.

- Chapman was a whale.
- A whale that I brought in.

- And now you've lost.
- A whale we couldn't afford to lose.

Clients come and go,
we all know that.

It's musical chairs,
it always has been.

I mean, what is the big deal?
I'll land another whale.

In fact, Jerry Burgess from IBS
just called me this morning.

He wants me
to play 18 at the Riv.

I'll spot him three aside and push
a four-footer on the last one.

He'll be ours by Friday.
Come on, guys!

We've made
our decision.

You've made your Dec...

this is my company.

You came to me.

I was landing whales
like Chapman

when you two jerk-offs were playing
beer pong in your frat basement

and slipping roofies
to the local high school girls!

I don't give a shit
what decisions you've made!

This is my firm!

Look at that smug prick.

He is fucking with me
and I will not be fucked with!

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go over there and tell him if
he doesn't back off he's gonna get hurt.

Are you crazy? We're not
even sure it's him.

For God's sakes,
the pictures were sent

from a messenger agency
right in his own building.

He was the only person
at the resort who knew who we were.

Okay, but then he could go to the cops
and tell them you threatened him.

Then they'd really start
investigating us.

That son of a bitch
cost me the firm

that took me
15 years to build!

15 years.

Well, if you go to his house
and you start waving this around,

it's gonna cost you
a lot more than that.

Martin didn't sleep
at all that night.

And made damn well sure
I didn't either.

- Minerva Drogues.
- Hi, Mr. Rudell.

- Hi. Mike, please.
- Mike, of course.

- Can I come in?
- Come on, come on, please.

- Okay.
- Come on.

Oh wow, I haven't been here
since you redecorated.

Yeah, I just... I just
got all this finished.

I'm so sorry that your mother
never got to see it.

I'm sure she'd approve.

Oh. Hey, if you
don't mind my asking...

- how are you doing?
- I'm all right.

- I mean it's been hard.
- Yeah yeah yeah.

I guess I just keep
telling myself that

she's probably much happier
where she is now.

Oh... gosh. You know what?
You're absolutely...

- Positive?
- No, I was going to say...

correct.

Have you seen that show?

Have I seen that show?

Stop it!
That's my favorite show,

- I love that show.
- Don't don't.

I am not lying to you,
that's my favorite show.

I love how you never know if the couples
are going to stay together.

Guh. You know
if you'd ever want to visit the set,

by the way, or spend the day
or even be a contestant...

What do you mean,
be a contestant?

Well, you know,
those date's are totally harmless,

you spend the evening with a person, we
prep you on what to say before the show,

- if that would be fun.
- That would be so much fun for me,

I would love that.

- Really? Okay. Okay.
- Really. It could be fun.

- Well, then I'll arrange it.
- You will?

It's done. Umm...

- Anyway, have a seat.
- Okay.

What's...
what's on your mind?

Tell me.

You know, I... I know this
might sound somewhat strange,

but have you seen any suspicious-looking
people around my house lately?

No. Why? What's...

is everything okay?
Do I have to bust some heads?

Not today.

- What's happening?
- No, everything's fine.

It's just that after
my mom died someone sent

this really weird picture
of me and Martin together.

- Together?
- Well, it implied that...

I know this sounds crazy,
but it implied that we were a couple.

A couple?

You and Martin?
Hmm.

Hmm. Well...

certainly relations between
older men and younger women

are, uh... are an accepted
part of society,

but that must
be creepy, huh,

getting an anonymous picture?
That is so disturbing.

- Yeah. Yeah, it was.
- Hey, just out of curiosity,

what kind of picture
could they have sent you

to indicate that you
and Martin were a couple?

Well, it's not like
I was naked or anything.

I mean, don't get me wrong,
Martin has seen me naked.

He's my stepfather,
so he's seen me naked...

- Of course.
...but I wasn't naked in the pictures.

Okay, sing here, sin...

wow, you're full
of chaos and anarchy

and... and sheer...
sheer...

Golly, now listen to this.

Listen to this.
Sing this.

I'm amazed the anticipation
of pulling off

a mother-daughter
double-dip

didn't give him
a stroke right there.

Go ahead. Ready?

- That we want in college.
- She's a ho, man. She's a ho.

- Mini.
- Yes, Mr. Bishop?

I've got a note for you to go to
the principal's office right away.

- Do you?
- Aww.

- Hold this. I'll make it fast.
- Mm-hmm. Always do.

- Detective Garson.
- Hello.

- What's going on?
- Mini, have a seat.

Mini, this tape was shot a week
before your mother's death.

And the next day, the school nurse
reported a bottle of Ritalin

missing from
the medicine cabinet.

And we lifted
two sets of prints...

one from the door, one from the inside
of the medicine cabinet...

and neither one of them
matches the nurse. Okay?

Mini...

is there something
you'd like to say to Detective Garson?

Can we see the tape of Der F�hrer
sucking down her afternoon fix of vodka?

Or do you guys not keep cameras
in the bathroom stalls?

Don't you dare do that!

Don't you dare
try to deflect this!

Stealing, if no one
ever told you,

is a serious matter!

Stealing prescription drugs
from a school is a very serious matter!

You got me, okay?

- But what was I supposed to do?
- What does that mean?

- Well, she said if I didn't...
- Who s... who, another student?

No, my mother.
She made me steal them for her.

I didn't want to, but she said she was
going to send me to boarding school

- in Canada if I didn't.
- Canada?

The Yukon Territories.

Are you happy now?

Oh my Lord,
I had no idea.

- She was...
- What? What, an addict?

Detective Garson knew.

My mommy's dead, okay?
Can't we just let her be?

Detective Garson.

I assume there won't
be any need

to press charges
against Ms. Drogues?

Oh, hey, Mr. Tannen.
I was actually just coming to see you.

Have you got a minute?

Detective, I thought I said no more
questions without my lawyer.

Yeah, um, I think
you'd better call him.

Yeah, so there's
a small discrepancy

I couldn't quite figure it out, and I
was hoping maybe you could explain it.

- I suppose I can try.
- Okay.

Yeah, we got the final
toxicology report

and your wife definitely didn't
die from the pills.

She wasn't conscious
past 9:30,

but it was the fumes
that killed her.

Hallelujah.

- Thanks for the update.
- Martin, Martin, easy.

- Come on, this is harassment here.
- Just... please.

Well, see, here's what
I wanted to ask.

The gas tank in the Jag
was almost completely full,

only about a gallon
of fuel had been used.

And?

Well, if she was
unconscious by 9:30,

that means that the car would've been
running for at least two hours

by the time you found her,

and an unconscious person
can't turn on a car, right?

Detective, with all due
respect, could you get to the point?

That's the part where I get kind
of confused, you see.

In that model Jaguar, if you were
to leave it idling for two hours,

it would burn at least
four gallons of fuel.

You see?

So, it doesn't... it doesn't really seem
like there's any way

that the gas tank
could be full

if it had been running
for two hours.

Right?

So I guess, you know,

what I'm asking is,
you know,

whose idea was
to put her in the car?

Martin, Martin.
Don't... don't say anything.

Look, Mr. Tannen.

I know that you're the person that has
the most to gain from your wife's death.

But I've also learned
from talking to her friends

that she and Mini had a pretty
strained relationship.

Uh, excuse me,
what's your first name again?

- It's Dwight.
- Listen, Dwight.

Do I look like the kind of guy who's
going to allow my client

to sit here and listen to these
questions in these circumstances?

Don't insult
my intelligence, Dwight.

- Just cut to the chase.
- Okay, I'd just like for Mr. Tannen

to know that if he's trying
to be a protective father

by covering up something
Mini might have done,

I'd really think twice about it.
I really would.

'Cause the D.A. In this case,
he's viewing it, you know,

as kind of an opportunity
to show the public

that the rich can't get away
with murder in this town.

Does this mean that he's
offering Mr. Tannen immunity

if he says he was
protecting his daughter?

Yeah, that's
a strong possibility.

But he also wants Mr. Tannen to know
that if he doesn't do it,

he's going to go
for the maximum sentence.

No manslaughter,
no plea bargain.

Nothing.

It was Colonel Mustard
in the library with the candlestick.

Ms. Drogues,
as your lawyer, I think...

Don't wet your pants.
I know when to shut up.

And swallow.

Look. The fact that
the marriage was unhappy

and that there
was no prenup,

that gives all of the motive
to Martin, okay?

- So you want me to say it was his idea?
- Well, if it was his idea,

can you give me one good reason
why you should take the fall?

So you're saying if I tell
the jury it was his idea,

and I was scared for my life
because he said he'd kill me

if I ever told anyone,
that I walk?

Sst!

Sorry, sport,
but I'll take my chances.

I never doubted for a moment
you were gonna hold firm,

not for a second.
I hope you know that.

- You know that?
- Yeah.

Good.

You realize we're going to have to learn
to rely on each other?

I have only
one concern now.

What?

Rudell.

If a jury finds out we're a couple,
then we both have a motive.

And that
changes everything.

Don't worry about him, baby.
He's just jealous.

Even if he did send
that picture,

what does it prove?
Nothing.

Oh hey, come and watch.
Come on, you're missing... I'm on TV.

What? Why?

Hurry up, the commercial's
almost over.

Welcome back to "Absolutely Positive."

Now it's time to hear how the date
between Jason and Mini ended.

- Jason, you said...
- You went on this...

Shh! Yeah, I thought
it'd be a gas.

...to test your ability
to resist temptation?

Um, well, since Becky and I
have dated since high school,

and we decided to remain
virgins until marriage,

I wanted to go
on another date

with another girl just to...
to see how I would react,

you know, to see
if there were any doubts

- about my decision.
- Hmm.

So after dinner,
what happened?

Um, well, she suggested
this dance club that she knew.

I'm not really a good dancer,
but I said yes.

- We never go dancing.
- Mini, Jason a good dancer?

Well, he's a
damn quick learner.

Not just at dancing.

Oh, you mean there was some other
teacher-student stuff going on?

No, not really.

What about when we
went back to your place?

- You what?
- That's... that's not true.

- Why are you doing this?
- Why are you being so shy?

- Jason?
- We turned on some music,

- we started kissing.
- Shut up!

But, JJ, you said
it was special.

You... you slept with her?!

- No. No!
- To say the least.

- You slept with him?
- God, Martin, it was a one-time thing.

Put it this way: You're in for a wild
ride from this bronco.

He was a virgin,
how could I say no?

It won't happen again, okay?
I promise. He was just a goof.

Yeah, JJ, tell us more!

Rudell.
He let you go on there?

Yeah, I thought
it'd be fun.

I mean, I wasn't really
supposed to, you know,

go all the way
with him, but...

I can't believe you.

That couple, you've ruined
their relationship.

The show is called
"Absolutely Positive" for a reason.

Clearly the only thing
Jason was positive about

was, uh... yeah.

You really are a sick
little twist, you know that?

Well, what does
that make you?

I need some air.

By the way, some intern
from your office

stopped by earlier today
with something.

It's on the bar.

What is it?

I think it's time I had a little chat
with our neighbor.

No, this is exactly
what he wants.

What if he's working
with Garson?

Then he can't blackmail me.
I want you to wait here.

- I'll be right back in a minute.
- Let me go with you.

- I said wait here.
- Let me just talk to him, okay?

- He promised me he wouldn't hurt us.
- Oh, he did?

- When?
- A few days ago.

- You saw him?
- Yeah,

I went to try to find out what he knew.
I spent the afternoon with him.

You spent the afternoon
with him?

I was doing it for us.

I figured he wouldn't
turn us in if...

If you what?!

If I made him think I was interested.

- Please tell me that you didn't.
- No.

No.

I just made him think that I would,
so that he wouldn't turn us in.

Thank you.

I appreciate
your restraint.

You ungrateful
son of a bitch.

I'd think you'd be a little more
appreciative. I was doing it for us.

For us? And who were
you doing it for

when you were doing it
with the kid on that show?!

Who was that
selfless act for?!

Oh, like you're such
a martyr for being faithful.

It shows amazing restraint to limit
yourself to just one stepdaughter.

Don't lecture me
about infidelity.

Your mother was cheating
on me within six months

of the "I do's."

- If you'll excuse me...
- Okay, look. I'm sorry.

- Let go of me.
- You're making a mistake,

- trust me.
- I said let go of me.

You're hurting me.

Now you wait here until I get back.
Do you understand?

Say "Yes, Martin."

Yes, Martin.

Martin.
What a surprise.

- How are you?
- I just saw Mini on your show.

Oh, was...
was tonight the night?

You know, I auditioned
lots of girls,

and she was, uh,
fucking incredible.

Uh-huh.
A real natural, huh?

Yeah, like a duck
takes to water.

Totally...

willing to take
direction.

I wish all the girls
I worked with had her, uh...

how can I put this?

...need to please.
- Oh.

Hi, I need the police
sent right away

to 25051 Mira Loma Lane.

No!

You motherfucker!

Ow ow ow ow!

Where are they, huh?

What are you
talking about?

Don't fuck with me...
the negatives, where are they?

What?

How do you like that,
you son of a bitch, huh?

You thought you could
have my wife,

then my daughter?

Well, I'm sorry, pal.

She's mine.

Okay, you listen to me,
you son of a bitch,

you give me those negatives
or, so help me God,

I'm gonna crack
your head open!

Let him go!

- Go get the negatives.
- No, this is insane!

- Stop! No stop!
- I need those negatives.

You're gonna kill him!
Stop!

What the hell is wrong with you?
He's gonna tell everybody!

Freeze!
Sheriff's Department!

- Drop the club!
- He's crazy. I told him to stop.

I told him.

With Rudell having slipped
into a coma after the fight,

and Garson uncovering
my mom's affair with him,

suddenly that gas-gauge theory
went from circumstantial to airtight.

Martin realized trying
to pin anything on me

would probably
get him the chair.

At his sentencing,
I begged for leniency.

- Hey!
- Hey.

- I'm sorry I'm late.
- It's okay.

I forgot to bring
that book you wanted.

It's all right.
You can mail it to me.

Are you okay? Have you showered
since you've been in here?

Uh-huh.

You know, in here you
gotta be careful when you...

so how's school?

Oh my God, you'll never
guess what happened.

- What happened?
- As many of you know,

the past few months of my life
have been very difficult.

I don't know how I would've gotten
through it without all of you.

I really think it's a testament
to the love in this institution

that I stand before you today

as the first straight-C student
in school history

to be voted
valedictorian.

- But don't you have to be...
- The best student? I know.

But the students voted and they said
they wanted me to have it

for..."demonstrating
remarkable courage

in the face
of unspeakable loss."

Huh.

Wow, I wonder how the real
valedictorian must feel about that.

Again to Marvin Tepperman,

the real valedictorian,

he deserved this and I want to wish
him a speedy recovery.

I spoke
to his doctors today

and they say
with medication and therapy,

Marvin should be able
to attend Harvard this fall.

Did Rudell come out
of his coma yet?

I don't know. Why?

Why? Because if
he recovers,

he could blackmail you
with those pictures.

I wouldn't worry
about that.

Yeah, but if the DA
got those pictures, he could...

I'm pretty sure he won't be
doing anything with them.

I have met some people in here
who can help us with him

if it comes down
to that.

- Help us?
- Well, they know people on the outside

that we could pay to stop him
from taking advantage of you.

Oh, that's so romantic!

It's like you're a real-life criminal
with connections and everything,

but I'm a little surprised
you haven't figured it out yet.

Figured what out?

Rudell didn't send
those pictures.

- You remember Aurelio?
- Aurelio?

- Our cabana boy from Mexico.
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, what a sweetie.

I thought I might
have to fuck him,

but just giving him
the camera was enough.

You mean that you...

While I may not have excelled
in the classroom,

I think that
my recent experiences

in that bigger schoolhouse
we call life

has taught me a few lessons that I'd
like to share with my fellow graduates.

Martin, it was pretty clear
Garson wasn't gonna give up,

and sooner or later
he'd find enough to charge us.

It just seemed ridiculous that we'd
both end up suffering.

How could you
do this to me?!

Follow your heart
and don't question it

no matter where
it tells you to go.

Come on, you would have
done it if you'd thought of it first.

Why the fuck did you
do this to me?!

Trust me, it'll open up a world of new
experiences you can't even imagine.

Hey, listen,
since conjugal visits are

pretty much
out of the question,

I was thinking maybe we could try
a little prison phone sex.

You know, I might even
be able to pop one out right here

without anyone seeing.
Are you ready?

- Guard!
- Are you sure?

I won't be able
to come back for a few weeks.

Don't forget your family,
your parents.

- Wait, have you met someone in here?
- Guard!

Don't forget they're people too,

and while you may not always
agree with them...

Why, you old dog! I knew you wouldn't
be single in here for long.

...remember to love them
when they need love.

Guard, she did it!
She just admitted it!

And I mean
really love them.

Don't just pay them
lip service.

It was her idea!
It was your fucking idea!

- Really do it whenever you can.
- Don't let her leave!

She's guilty! Get the warden!
What the fuck are you...

- I know I did.
- You little fuckin' whore!

I'm gonna kill you,
you little fuckin' bitch!

Get down!

And I just wish that
my dad could be here today,

so that after this speech,
I could walk into the audience

and give him my love right here
in front of all of you.

Come here!
Motherfucking...

Thank you
and good luck.

Hmm, persistent,
isn't he?

The truth is I wouldn't mind
being cuffed by him,

and he would be
my first detective.

Like I promised...
with desire,

focus and the willingness
to treat any obstacle as an opportunity,

it's amazing
what you can accomplish.

And in case
you're feeling guilty

about having no one
to identify with but me, relax.

There's a first time
for everything.