All language subtitles for The.Conners.521

[bluesy harmonica music]

- Full house.

all: Ohh!

- Neville, come on, man.

Let somebody else win
once in a while.

- Perks of being
a veterinarian.

I'm just using
predatory cat knowledge to win.

I pretend to be disinterested,
and then I pounce.

- Oh, I'd love to go play poker
with you

at the riverboat casino,
'cause if you said that there,

ooh, it's gonna be
one of those beatings

you don't get to see
very often.

[laughter]

- Not if I use
the fighting skills

I learned from monkeys.

I bite the face,
and then I run.

- Ah.

- Well, I'm out.

I guess the rich get richer,

and the poor have to explain
to their daughter

why her Lunchable
is missing the meat.

- Neville,
when it's just family,

sometimes when you win
really big, you splurge.

How about buying a round
of pizzas?

- Yeah.
- Ooh.

- That's not how
our family worked.

- No, no, no, no.

Our family was ruthless.

I used to play Go Fish
with my mom for pennies.

One time, I couldn't pay her.

The next time I lost a tooth,

there was a note
left under my pillow:

"We're even."

- Yeah,
it was a good life lesson.

I learned never to be
anyone's fool

when it comes to money.

- I guess when you play
with a family of grifters,

you've got to watch out, huh?

- Dan.

- "Grifters" is an odd word
to pull out of thin air.

- I didn't pull it
out of thin air.

I pulled it out of your mouth

when Jackie and I
were on the road

and I heard you calling me
and my family grifters.

- Wow.

- You told him what I said?

That was supposed to be
a private conversation.

- I didn't tell him.
- Jackie didn't say anything.

I overheard you two talking
when you were on the telephone.

- "Come and play poker,"
they said.

"It always ends in a fight,"
I said.

"Well, not this time,"
they said.

- Don't be upset with Jackie.

The only thing she's guilty of
is lending me a thousand bucks

when I really needed it.

- [scoffs]

That wouldn't be
the thousand dollars

you said you needed
for your debit card, would it?

- Hey, you know what?

Why don't we all go out
for frozen yogurt, huh?

Hey, you know who's got
really good frozen yogurt?

Milwaukee.

- Wait, I'm just trying
to wrap my head around the fact

that anybody here has $1,000.

- He paid me back right away.

He said that he would,
and he did.

- That's not the point.

- Just let it go, Neville.

No harm done.

- No harm to you.

I'm out of here.

- You know you can just
slide them, right?

- Yeah.

Oh, it's hard to storm off
with change!

[coins rattling]

- We had a deal.

You were supposed to resent
my husband in silence.

Dan needed the money
to buy inventory

at the hardware store.

It was a once-in-a-lifetime
deal on plungers.

You know how the people
in this town eat.

Lanford needs plungers.

- When I gave you that money,
you said it was for you.

And that was after I told you
I wasn't merging our money

because I was afraid your
family would come after it.

And that's exactly
what happened.

And then you lied to me
about it.

- Hey, just checking.
Pizza, no pizza?

[bluesy rock music]

♪

- "The Conners" is filmed

in front of a live
studio audience.

- Excuse me, does that gravy
have any meat products in it?

- Uh, well, I mean,

the chunks don't break apart
when I hit 'em with this ladle,

so yeah, I don't know.

Best-case scenario is meat.

- I'll just have
mashed potatoes, then.

Uh, okay,
that ladle has gravy on it,

and I'm a vegetarian.

I'm gonna need you to get
another ladle,

change your gloves,

and I hate to be
high-key problematic,

but please use a new plate that
wasn't washed with animal soap.

Thanks.

- Um, I just want you to know
that I'm vegan,

and I never realized
what a pain in the ass I am.

- This all feels very toxic,

so I'm going
to the vending machines.

- Okay.

- You got rid of that one,

but the next one's gonna be
just as bad.

We got
to a liberal arts school.

We're all like that.

- Oh, you look so young.

I didn't realize
you were a student here, James.

- I skipped a grade,
so I'm only 17.

I am working off my tuition.

If I did this for a living,
I'd go into the walk-in freezer

and take a forever nap.

- Nice to know it's an option.

- Can you serve him?

It's kind of awkward.
He broke up with me.

I've never been happier.
Thank you.

- Must have been ugly, huh?

- Well, I've known you a week,
so I guess I can tell you.

He destroyed me.

You know, it's so hard to find
a guy who's nice and smart.

- Oh, you know what?
My son says the same thing.

He's actually gonna come here
next year,

but he was hoping that college
guys would be more mature.

- Yeah, that's the dream.

And then you find
the lacrosse captain

hiding in
your boyfriend's closet.

- There you go.

Hey, you know what?

I should set you and Mark up.

I mean, not, like, set up.

I--I just mean, like,
you guys could be gay friends.

I don't know why I just said
"gay friends."

You can just be friends.

But if you did decide to date,

then you'd be gay guys dating,
right?

I mean, or you could just
both be gay on your own.

You know when you're trying
not to say a word,

but you just keep
saying it anyway?

- Mm.

What word were you trying
not to gay?

[bluesy harmonica music]

- Oh, hey, did you come
over here to study too?

- Why on Earth did Emilio
have to buy Beverly Rose

a karaoke machine?

If I hear "Wheels On The Bus"
one more time

I'm gonna smack someone
round and round.

- Oh, hey.

Everything okay with Neville?

He seemed pretty upset
last night.

- Yes,
of course everything is okay.

Unlike most Conner couples,
Neville and I communicate,

so once we sat down
and talked about it,

everything was fine.

Whatever you guys are doing,
just keep doing it.

I'm gonna wait for Dan.

I'm gonna be out
in the living room.

- Hey.
- How was work?

- Well,
I learned how to tie knots

in the fingers of my gloves

so that they fit
my little doll hands.

There's really great kid
at work who, get this,

he's 17, he's gay,

and he's lonely, just like you.

- No.

The last time you set me up,
it went horribly wrong

and I got my heart broken.

- Yeah, but Logan couldn't have
broken your heart

if you didn't really like him.

Ergo, Mama found the right guy.

- You know, Mark,
this might actually be fate.

Your school is in Romeoville.

If one of you winds up
in prison,

you'd be in Romeoville
and Joliet.

- Thank you, but was that worth
stopping the conversation for?

- Oh, yeah.

- Just consider meeting him.

At the very least,
you'll know somebody at school.

- I'll meet him, but I'm not
going on a date with him.

- All right,
here's what he looks like.

- What's the harm in one date?

- I'm sorry about what happened
last night.

Hope Neville's calmed down.

- Well, maybe he has,
and maybe he hasn't.

I wouldn't know. He didn't
come home last night, Dan.

And he hasn't been
to work today.

He's never done this before.
It's all your fault.

You have to go find him!
- Relax. I'll find him.

- I've looked everywhere
that he usually goes.

He wasn't at the library.

The knitting store
went out of business.

The tropical fish store doesn't
open till tomorrow morning.

- How about Build-A-Bear?

- He's built all the bears!

[bluesy harmonica music]

- Don't you look like
a modern-day dandy,

all fancy in your sweater vest?

- I was going
for a young Tom Hanks:

a little whimsical
but professional.

- I've had a little experience
with college dating.

Can I offer you some advice?

- You secretly dated
your professor

and almost destroyed
his career.

- You are correct,
and my advice to you

is not to do that.

- That was extremely unhelpful.

- Not to me.

I'll take any opportunity
to remind people

that I'm in college.

So why are you meeting James
here anyway instead of at home?

- Are you kidding me?

I had to throw the family
off my trail.

- Hey.

- Every damn time.

How?

- You live in Mayberry,
you're gonna run into Aunt Bee.

- Mark,
what are you doing here?

You said you were meeting James
at the school bookstore.

- I was trying to avoid you

because you people
embarrass me.

- Aww, I would never do that
to you.

Ben, take it away.

- Well, slap my mama
and sit on a porcupine.

A gentleman caller is coming
to meet our young Marcus!

[laughter]

- Can you guys cut it out?

I'm nervous enough as it is.

I'm sure James is
more sophisticated

than the juveniles I'm
surrounded by in high school.

- I'm guessing
when you eat lunch,

you're not surrounded
by anyone.

- Hey, Mark.

- Hi.

- Meeting here didn't duck
the family, huh?

- [chuckles]
- Hi.

I'm in college too.

The quad, am I right?

- This is Ben,
my husband and Mark's stepdad.

- How you doing?

Nice to meet
a fellow college man.

I majored in creative writing,

but then I ended up
selling screws and nuts,

so let me save you
a lot of time.

Settle early, and settle often.

- Hi. I'm Harris.

I didn't go to college.

Our mom put
all her love and energy

into Sweater Vest here.

- Well, uh, we should be going.

But thanks, everyone,
for this unfortunate moment

of immersive theater.

- Oh.

- It's okay.

Marry a guy,
marry his family, right?

- [mouthing words]

♪

- Did Mark text you?

- About what?

- Our date.

What, didn't he text you
to tell you

how he thought it went?

- How long ago
did you leave him?

- About 10, 15 minutes ago.

- Well, sometimes it takes
longer than a cup of noodles

to gather your thoughts.

- I'm sure he's gonna tell you
it went great.

Mark is amazing.
- [chuckles]

- Usually my dates are awkward,

but I felt really comfortable
with him.

I tried to make plans
for next week,

but he says he's busy
every night

working the late shift
at his security job.

- Oh, oh, his security job.

Yeah, of course, at the, uh--
at the place where he, like,

protects the stuff.

- When he enrolls here
and we become roommates,

I'm hoping he can get
a safer job on campus.

- Wow, roommates.

You really pack a lot
into a date, huh?

- Darlene, thank you so much
for bringing Mark into my life.

I'm not lonely anymore.

- Hold that thought.

I gotta thin out the gravy.

It's starting to get corners.

- Bet you didn't see
this coming.

- No, but I should have.

♪

- Thanks for the call, Jasper.

I've been looking for this guy
since last night.

- Well, you might want to keep
an eye on him.

After the first drink,
he told me I have

the kind eyes of a lemur.

You want something?

- Whatever he's drinking.

Mind if I sit down?

- [scoffs]
It's not my bar.

You can sit wherever you want.

Wait, it's not my bar, right?

I didn't buy it, did I?

- No,
and stop looking into my eyes.

- Look, I'm willing to put
the whole grifters thing aside.

But Jackie is worried sick
about you.

- No, no, no, no, no.

The Nev's not talking
until you catch up,

unless you can't handle
your Long Island iced teas.

- I'm s--good God that's sweet.

Jasper,
will you bring me a beer?

My mouth wants to be
an adult again.

Ugh.

I'm serious, dude.

You can't just disappear
on your wife.

You need to go home
and work this out.

- Jackie lied to me, Dan.

She's never done that before.

- She lied to you
to help family.

- Yeah,
and then you took advantage,

'cause you knew she was
a soft touch.

- I didn't take advantage
of her.

You're just not used
to a supportive family.

Your mother shook down
your sister

for tooth fairy money.

- Well, in my family,
when you got into a jam,

you bailed yourself out.

Louise was a penny ante player,

and she was playing
for nickels.

She was hooked on the action.

- I was raised like that too,
but I figured it out.

Life's gonna
knock you down plenty.

And if you don't have family
there to help you back up,

who will?

We look out for each other.

- [scoffs]
Grifter logic.

- Whoa, give me your keys.

- Oh, so now you're after
my car, huh?

Well, don't try and follow me.

I'm going to Build-A-Bear,
where everybody knows my name.

- You're drunk, Neville.
You're not going anywhere.

- Oh, no, you're mistaken.

I'm drunk,
and I'm going everywhere.

- Come on, man, open up!

- Unfortunately, I just
found out that I hate you.

Please respect my privacy
at this time.

- I'm old, man.

Don't make me do this.

- The Nev does what he wants.

Back off.
[engine turning over]

[screams]

[whimpering]

Ahh-ahh-ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

What the hell, man?
Get out of my car.

- You need to go home.

Start walking.

- What's going on here?

I heard a woman scream.

- Yeah, well,
I have a natural falsetto.

And my idiot brother-in-law
punched my car

and pulled me out.

- Were you gonna drive
in this condition?

- Oh, no, sir, he was not.

I wanted to borrow his car.

He was trying to stop me.

- I need you to step over here

while I handle this, okay?

Were you two fighting?

- Yes, sir, but it's my bad.
I started it.

- Have you been drinking?

- Oh, I had a couple,
but I was just gonna sit here

and sober up.

- I gotta take you in.

Driving under the influence.

- What?

I wasn't even driving.

I was sitting
under the influence.

I do that every night.

- Sir, the law states
that if you're inebriated

behind the wheel of a vehicle

and the keys
are in the ignition,

that's a DUI.

Step out.

- Hey, do you mind if I call
his wife first?

- Make it quick.

- Thank you.

Jackie, Jackie,
come down to the Lobo

and get Neville.

No, I can't bring him home.

I'm--we're still doing this,
right?

- Oh, yeah.
- I'm going to jail.

[bluesy harmonica music]

- Do you have any idea
what you've done to me?

James is a nightmare.

- Oh, I know, right?

- Is that your idea
of an apology?

- Is it not coming off
like that?

All right, look, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize how needy
the guy was.

- Needy?

He thinks
we're gonna be roommates

and then move off campus
to a tiny house

on his dad's land.

I can't fit in a tiny house.
Look at me.

- I just knew
how excited you were

to move to a big city
and experience

a more open gay culture.

- So you got me a gay guy?

- Well, no,
he was just the first one.

I was gonna get you
a bunch of them,

and then you'd have, like,
a whole culture.

- You have to get me
out of this.

- All right, well, just tell
him you're not interested.

- No, he's sweet
and I don't want to hurt him.

But I also don't want to spend
my whole freshman year

with him following me around.

You've got to break up
with him for me.

- You know,
I really don't feel comfortable

getting involved
in your personal life.

All right, we'll text him.

Okay.

Uh, okay, "Dear James"--

- What are you doing?

You can't say "dear."

He hears that,
and the next thing,

he's at the jewelry store
buying a ring

and lining up a surrogate
for our baby.

- All right, okay, calm down.

All right,
we'll just keep it simple.

"I'm sorry.

"It's not going to work out.

XOXO."

- I'll do it.

Now I can see why it took you
20 years to break up with Dad.

- Uh, it would have gone a lot
faster if you hadn't been all,

"I need a father.
Wah-wah-wah."

- Here's your aspirin.

- Oh, thank you.

My head is killing me.

Hey!

- That's for putting Jackie
through hell.

- Oh, I know.

I'm just glad she forgave me.

Hey!

- And that's
for making my husband

spend the night in jail.

- Ow.

Hit me one more time
and I'm calling Mom.

- All right, he's out.

He's got a new suit,
50 bucks in his pocket,

looking for honest work.

- Jail is different now.

They asked for my pronouns.

- I'd like a moment with Dan.

- Oh, sure.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Ow.

- Be nice.

- Can I borrow that?
I'm gonna need that later.

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm so sorry, Dan.

I can't believe I put you
in that position.

- It wasn't that bad.

I saw a friend of mine
from high school in there.

He was voted most likely
to become a heroin addict,

and he is.

- Well,
I can't thank you enough

for not letting me drive,
but why take the DUI for me?

- Simple.

Hardware store guy gets thrown
in jail for being drunk,

who cares?

Happens to a veterinarian
in a small town,

that's news.

- That's true.
I could have lost my practice.

- I tried to explain this
to you last night.

You're family.

This is what family does
for each other,

even if it means sleeping
next to a heroin addict

who thinks
you're his dead grandmother

who's trying to kill him.

- [chuckles]

Well, when you spend
years and years

in a family like mine,
I guess it just takes some time

getting used to being
in a family like this.

- You'll get the hang of it.

Hey, let's practice right now.

I would like to grift $500
from you

to get a good lawyer
to get this off my record.

- Okay, I will give you
the 500 bucks,

but I really need you
to get your wife

to stop smacking me
in the head.

- Hey, spud bud.

What's today's special?

- Sorrow.

Mark broke up with me.
Completely unexpected.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, you know they say
it takes twice the length

of a relationship
to recover from it,

so you're gonna have
a rough couple day.

- It's just so hard
to find someone who can match

my double Scorpio,
Pisces moon energy.

Maybe after a little time,
Mark and I can try again.

- Okay.

There's something
that you don't know about Mark.

He's a bad kid.

He just dresses like a minister
from the 1950s

to throw people off.

- A bad boy, huh?

Oh, that just makes him hotter.

- Not if he's a bad boy
who sets fires.

- Oh, my God.

He's an arsonist?

Wow. I dodged a bullet.

You know, I did sense
there was a lot of dysfunction

in your family when I met them.

From what I could tell,
you messed up

your girl kid too.

- I'm going over
to serve green beans.

Don't follow me.

[child giggles]