All language subtitles for The.Conners.520

[blues music]

- Mark, can I come in?

- Sure.

Let me just unlock the sheet.

- When are you going to stop
using your bassoon case

as a backpack and tell Mom

you didn't get
the orchestra seat?

- I gotta wait.

I mean, when's the right
time to tell her that

I'm not getting
a music scholarship,

and I'm going to spend
the rest of my life living

in her window seat?

- You got a nice view
of the street.

- Yeah.

Last night some guy
watched "Beetlejuice" with me

through the window.

He seemed okay, except
for the shopping cart

full of mannequin arms.

- You're going to have to tell
Mom about it sooner or later.

- I know, but I--

it's a no-win scenario.

I can either make
a good day bad,

or a bad day worse.

- Or you could make your news
not seem so bad

by waiting until
something worse happens.

I mean, you're friends
with a homeless arm collector.

It should happen any day now.

- Okay, I heard a car pull up.

Everybody get ready.

Come on, come on.

- Surprise!

- Ah!

- You're not Aunt Darlene.

- Oh!

[cheering, laughing]

- Wow, thank you.

I haven't had anything
in my eyes all day.

- Yeah.

There would have been more,
but the kid blew it.

- Uncle Ben let me
drink coffee.

I can't stop moving.

- You did what?

- You know, she's sluggish
in the morning.

- This is so sweet.

But I can't tell
if that sign is sarcastic.

- Always assume that it is.

- Hey, check out
the new work badge.

They put a smile on you.

It's amazing what these
new camera filters can do.

- No, it's not a filter.

That's my actual smile.

I'm happy.
- All right.

So you had a good day?
- Yeah, yeah.

And thank you for being
patient while I looked

for another management job.
- Ahh.

Hey, you hear that, ulcer?

It was worth it.

- I never thought
my self-esteem was

tied up in my job,
but I do love having

that sign on my door again.

- Wait. Does it say "women,"

and there
are a lot of other people

doing their business in there?

- No, it's really great.

And the other thing--
that's not all.

I'm having them take 5%
out of every paycheck

'cause I want to save up
and buy you a car,

so you can drive home
and visit.

- Um, actually,

slippers will be fine,
'cause I'll just be

right over there.

- What are you talking about?

- The other kid got
the orchestra seat.

I'm not getting a scholarship.

I'm not going to college.

- Why didn't you tell me?

- You--you've just been
under so much pressure

with everything lately.

I didn't want to pile on.

- In Mark's defense,
he has put a lot of effort

into lying to you.

- I'm sorry I ruined your day.

- No. No, don't worry.

Listen, we will figure
something out, okay?

[sighs]

- Poor kid.

- Think you're going
to be able to put aside

enough from your new job?

- No.

I have no idea what
I'm going to do.

- Well, my ulcer has
a new friend--

[inhales sharply]

Chest pain.

[blues music]

♪ ♪

- The Conners is recorded
in front

of a live studio audience.

- Hey.

You know, I never want
to give you a hard time

about how you dress at work,
but lately,

people have started asking

if you just got out
of the hospital.

- Oh, that explains
the increase in tips

and the woman who said,
"I hope you beat this thing."

I've been so tired lately.

I'm really not trying
to win a beauty contest.

- I know.
But all I'm saying is,

this place is full of guys.

You might be able to meet
somebody here, you know,

if you put on
some real clothes,

and if your hair didn't
look like

it was combed by a wolf paw.

- I'm doing fine.

I got all the guys
on "Love Island."

And if I'm in the mood
for a bad boy,

I've got "Love After Lockup."

- You've got to do something

to get Becky back out there,

because she's too young
to be giving up.

- Yeah.

We've got to help her
boost her confidence.

You know, I did this
for my drummer

when he was feeling
unattractive after losing

the middle of his nose
to cocaine.

Just tell her that you
found this on the counter.

- "This is for
the hot blonde waitress.

"I wish I had the nerve to tell
you how beautiful you are.

I'm certainly not here
for the food."

Hey!

- Trying to keep it real.
Come on.

- Becky.

Hey, I found this
on the counter.

I think it's for you.

- Oh.

Oh, wow.

That is so sweet.

- Right?
Look at that.

And you weren't even trying.
- Right?

If I find this guy, I'll never
have to clean myself up again.

Do you think he's still here?

- Um, probably not.

He--he sounds like
he's pretty shy.

I-I'm sure he left.

- Well, you don't
know that for sure.

Ugh, I hope he's
one of the cute ones.

Right.

Wedding ring.

Wedding ring.

Wedding ring.

Hi.

Uh, I think you might
have dropped something.

- Not me.

But it you're looking, I got
an El Camino in the parking lot

with a couple of blankets
in the back.

- But if we started
at the fairy tale,

where do we go from there?

Hi.

Uh, does this napkin
look familiar?

- Is it claiming to know me?

Because I'm here
with a different napkin.

- I might have dropped
that napkin.

What did it say?

- Oh, you know.

It was just some guy
trying to hit on me.

- That must happen
to you a lot.

- Not as much as
you might think.

You want some more coffee?

- No, I'm okay, thanks.
- Okay.

- You know, uh, for someone who
says they're not interested,

you seem pretty interested.
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, I guess I wouldn't
mind meeting someone.

But it's just so much hassle.

- You don't have
to do it alone.

How about Jackie and I take
you to the Lobo this weekend?

- Yeah, Lobo.

It's just like "Love Island."

All the guys got six-packs.

Just no abs.

[laughter]

[blues music]

- Oh. Hey, kiddo.

I'm sorry to hear about Mark.

I know how much
you were counting

on him getting that money.

Can I get you a beer?

- No, thanks.

I'm busy looking through
these scholarship pamphlets.

- Any luck finding new ones?

- Well, there's a couple
of possibilities.

The National Height Society
is offering $500

to anyone over 6'2".

- I think they put
the money on a high shelf,

and if you can reach it,
it's yours.

- Maybe there's one
for young men who dress

like small-town doctors.

- [chuckles] Oh, man.

Most of these are only
a couple hundred bucks.

You need every one of them
to afford college.

- I know.

And these are only
his safety schools,

and they're tens of thousands
of dollars

more than we can afford.

The ones he hasn't applied
to yet are even more.

I just--I don't know
how people do this.

- Mm, I know.

My college roommate's mom
had to work at our school

just to get him, like,
50% off his tuition.

- Are you kidding me?

That's, like, a thing?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- I mean, I guess I could
look into jobs

where Mark's been accepted,
just to see what's available.

- Hey, whoa.

I was just riffing.

You just got this job.

- Yeah, I know.

But I don't know
how else I'm going

to pay for Mark's tuition.

Look, who knows.

Maybe they have
a management job that's

as good, or even better.

- Well, hey, look.

You see this scholarship
here offering 10 grand?

National Nudist Benefit Fund.

Oh, wait. That's a scam.

It says they're holding
auditions at the Red Roof Inn.

- Well, yeah,
but then he'd qualify

for this trauma victim
scholarship too.

Oh, no.

Also holding auditions
at the Red Roof Inn.

- [laughs]

- They need to vet these
better.

Thank you for setting up
this interview so quickly.

My son Mark was accepted here,
and because you guys have

such a great
computer science program,

he's considering coming.

He would make a fantastic, um--

fighting, like, potato bug?

- It's a boll weevil.

We had to change our mascot
last year

because our old one was
highly offensive to the Dutch.

- Mm.

Well, the point is,
I could really

use your tuition benefit.

And I'd actually consider
leaving my position

at Chicago Can, even though
the place would probably

fall apart without me.

- It looks like you were
only there for one day.

- And I can bring that
level of commitment here.

- Well, it's an awfully
good tuition benefit.

Your son would basically
be going here for free.

- Free?

Oh my god, that is fantastic.

And actually, I saw a
couple of management jobs

on your website that
I would be great for.

- I'm so sorry.

We've been in an executive
hiring freeze for a year.

I called you in
because you have

food service experience
at a casino.

- Uh, excuse me?

- We have an opening for
a line worker in the cafeteria.

- Uh, you mean
like a lunch lady?

- We call it lunch person.

- Um, could you look again?

I mean, there's got
to be something else.

- Oh.

Um, well, I didn't see this.

You also qualify
to flush out the blood drains

in the medical school's
cadaver lab.

- Is there
a blood drain manager?

- Look, I know you're
overqualified for this.

But if you don't want
the job, I can't help you.

- Well, "want" isn't
really the issue.

All right.

Can I have a night
to think about it?

- Yeah, but don't
wait too long.

We have a huge wait list
of people begging

to get out of the cadaver lab.

- Guess all the zombie TV
shows aren't helping you guys.

- We sat at the tables,
we danced by the jukebox,

and now we're playing pool

because you said guys would
come over.

- I think we're playing
too well.

If we acted like we didn't
know what we were doing,

guys would be swarming over
to mansplain this game.

- Yeah, Louise is right.

Oh, this-- this is
an impossible shot.

I don't know how I could
possibly make this.

- What the hell are you doing?

- I'm trying to get
a guy for Becky.

- There's too many of you.

It looks like the two of you
are taking

the village idiot out
for ladies' night.

- Okay.
None of this is happening.

You all have a nice night.

I will be at the bar
ordering sober mom drinks.

This is why I haven't been
trying to find someone.

- There goes the hair.

She's giving up again.

- Becky, right?

Tyler.

You probably don't
remember me,

but I watch a lot of basketball
at the Lunch Box.

- Oh, yeah.
Hi.

- Hi.

Did you ever find out who
that napkin belonged to?

- Why are you bothering
this poor woman?

You don't have to talk
to him to be nice.

Unless you can introduce him to
a homely friend or something.

- Mom, I told you
you could come

if you agreed to sip
your Gin Rickey

and do your find-a-word.

- This is what I get
for trying to help you.

Since we're going to be on
these stools for a while,

I'm going to go to the car
and get my donut.

- I'm really sorry.

She just wants me to be happy,

but doesn't realize
she can accomplish that

by passing quietly
in the night.

- [laughs]
No need to apologize.

My family is here
embarrassing me too.

You might have noticed my aunt
writhing on the pool table.

- My mom saw her.

She said, um, "Try that one.

She doesn't look right."

- [laughs]

- They're so lucky.

They don't have to play
these stupid games.

- I hate it too.

I cannot bear the thought
of going

on 100 first dates
to find someone

I actually connect with.

- I wish I could
just fast forward--

be sitting next to my wife
at my kid's basketball game,

making each other
laugh by making

fun of the other parents.
- [laughs]

- And then going to Applebee's
and splitting two desserts

and pretending it's
only half the calories.

- Yeah.

Or lying in bed, watching
romcoms with the sound down

and making up our own dialogue.

- [chuckles] Yeah.

Like in "When Harry Met Sally."

She could say, uh, "I really
love that wagon wheel table."

- Oh, that's a cool table.

- I have that table!

- No, you don't.
- I do.

It drives the women wild.

- [laughs]
God, I haven't watched

that movie in a long time.

I got to watch it again.
- Yeah.

But you got to watch it with
someone who gets the table.

- Yeah.

- Hey, Tyler.

My friends left, so I'm
ready for that drink now.

- Oh.

Uh--

- If I'm not
interrupting anything.

- Oh, no, no!

Um, I was just asking
how the fries are here.

Uh, please, take my seat.

Go Bulls.

[blues riff]

- Hey!

Becky left this
at the bar last night.

- Oh. Well, that's why
she's not getting any guys.

She sheds.

- How'd the meeting go
at the college?

- Uh, they offered me
a job and basically

a free tuition for Mark.

- That's great!
- Yeah.

- I knew you'd figure it out.

- See if you can guess the job.

Here's a clue:

If you get it right,
I'll be sad.

Lunch lady.

- I didn't expect that.
- Yeah.

You don't have
to tell me that

it's an honest living

and there's no shame
and doing what you need to do

to help your kid.
- Okay, I won't.

I think you're out of your mind
if you take this.

- [scoffs] Well, what
do you want me to do?

This is the only way that
Mark can afford

a university education without
being crippled with debt

for the rest of his life.

And between Ben and me,
we make just enough not

to qualify for financial aid.

- Well, at least keep your job

and send him
to a community college.

- No.

I ruled that out
a long time ago.

I want him to have
the experience

that he dreamed about
since he was a little kid.

And now I have a way to do it.

All right, so I'll be
a lunch lady for five years.

And then when Mark graduates,
I can find a job

in management again.

- You'll be a woman
in your 50s.

You really think you're going
to scoop corn for five years,

and then jump back in?

Now you're dreaming.

- I don't know.

Maybe I have
to take that chance.

- You take chances
in your 20s and 30s.

I can't believe
you're going to quit a job

where you finally have a chance
to put away some money.

I want what's best
for Mark too.

But if you don't want to work

till you drop
like your old dad,

I'd think long and hard
about this.

- Okay.
So if I'm hearing you right,

what you're saying is,
it's an honest living

and there's no shame in doing
what you need to do

to help your kid.

[blues riff]

- This is a treat.

We don't usually
get lunch together.

- Mm, yeah.

Because you always make me pay.

So your dad told me
about the cafeteria job,

and he wants me to try
to convince you not to take it.

- Ah.

Well, you're not going
to have to work too hard.

Pretty sure I'm
not doing it now.

I mean, that would
mean we'd have

to keep struggling to make
ends meet for five more years.

I can't do that to you.

- Yeah, but that's what you do.

You do things to me.

- And you are a saint
with a hole in your stomach

because you let me.

But I mean, think about it.

How do I give up
the can company job?

- Well, I can't
tell you how much

I appreciate you
thinking of me.

Um, you are the buttermilk

to my perforated
stomach lining.

- [chuckles]

- But you need to go
be a lunch lady.

If you don't take this job
and send Mark to college,

you will not have
another happy day

the rest of your life.

I can handle an ulcer,

but I can't handle
seeing you with one.

- Oh, my God, Ben.
- Yeah.

But I will tell you this--

if Mark majors in philosophy,

I will strangle him
with his cardigan.

- God.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I've
destroyed your life.

I'll start cooking.
- Okay.

- Oh.

Hey, Tyler.

How'd it go last night?

- Pretty well.

I got lucky.

- It's kind of weird and
personal to bring that up,

but go Bulls.

- No, I got lucky
because I got to talk to you.

And I feel pretty weird
coming into your workplace

to ask you out, but I didn't
know where else to find you.

- You're asking me out?

- Well, I could pretend
I wasn't,

if you're going to say no.

- No, no.
I was going to say yes.

- Really? That's great.

Can we take a selfie?

- Mm, why?

- It's nothing creepy.

It's for my mom.

She told me you were
out of my league,

and I want to ruin her day.

- [laughs] Okay.

Well, then text it to me,

because I'm going
to put it on Instagram

and say that we're engaged
and you're an airline pilot.

- I am an airline pilot.

- Wait, really?
- Yeah!

Look.

Got my little wing
pin right here.

- God, does that mean you can
fly me anywhere

in the world for free?

- Yeah.

But I fly for FedEx,
so you got to get in a box.

[blues riff]

- Hey.

- Hey, how was work?

- Not great.

I had to chase a guy who
was shoplifting macaroons.

He ran into traffic,
and I thought,

enjoy your cookies.

- Would your day be better
if I told you

you were going to
Stephen A. Douglas University

basically for free?

- Are--are you kidding me?

How'd you do that?

- They offered me a job there,
and they give employees

a huge tuition break.

- That's unbelievable.

What are you doing there?

- I'm going to be a lunch lady.

- Mom.
- Don't bother.

Everybody's tried.

- Come on.
I'm never going to feel right

letting you do that.

- Look, Mark.

I have never been able
to give you

the things that you deserve.

[choking up] And I've watched
you lower your expectations

year after year.

I mean, do you know how
much it broke my heart

to get a Christmas list
from you that said,

"Socks, but only
if they're on sale"?

For once, I have the chance
to give you something

that you've worked so hard for.

So let me, okay?

- But you're--
you're going to be miserable.

- I'm not going to
be miserable alone.

I mean, you are going to
be working your ass off

at Whole Foods,
and you're going to be fighting

to stay on the dean's list.

And when you're in line
in the cafeteria

you are going to call me mom,
because everybody's

going to damn well know how
much I'm sacrificing for you.

- It's okay.

I'll--I'll just call the
other lunch ladies mom too.

- [sighs]

Uh, hi.

This is Darlene Conner.

I'm a manager
in accounts receivable.

I mean, I was.

Oh.

English.

[slowly] English.

Quit job.

- How was it?

- Fine, for being
on my feet all day.

Uh, when I finally
sat down in my car

my spine sounded like
a dryer full of gravel.

So why did you ask me
to meet you here?

- Right this way.

Ta-da!

- What's this?

- In honor of your sacrifice,
we've created

a vegan cafeteria
where we serve you.

[chuckles]

- Thank you.

This is perfect.

- Ah, glad you like it.

Because once we're
done serving you,

we're all going to go out
and eat things

that had parents. [chuckles]

- [giggles]