All language subtitles for The.Conners.519

- What do you think?

- "Weekend special:
Easter Bunny Stew."

Really?
Rabbit stew for Easter?

You got any cute elves
you can stir fry for Christmas?

- Man, I never thought of that.

- Hey, you got anything sweet
for the road?

You guys still have
those maple donuts?

- Uh, hold on.
- Aw.

- Happy anniversary, you guys.

- You didn't need to do that.

- And since you had a double
wedding, I only got one cake.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Man, I can't believe
it's been a year, right?

- I know.
Look at us.

You guys,
I remember

when we were
three pathetic single gals

willing to give up the goods
anywhere, anytime,

just to snap up a man.

Sure, we'll pretend
it was just me.

But now,
I mean, here we are

happily coupled
with terrific guys

who can't get enough of us.

- Seriously.
- Right?

- Where do our guys
get their energy?

[laughter]

- Oh, yeah.
Let a girl breathe.

You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah, yeah.

No, I'm not surprised.
I figured Ben

for a "let's hydrate
and do it again" kind of guy.

- Yeah.
Yeah, me too.

But, you know,
if we're being honest here,

you and me, I mean,
no guy's as passionate

after a year
as they were in the beginning.

- Uh, not in my house,

or in my car,

or in the bathroom at Costco.

I'll have a sample
of that, please.

- Um...

OK, but come on,
Dad and Louise?

- Louise is getting plenty.

That Jell-O is shakin'.

- I did not need to hear that
for many reasons,

but mainly because
that's not what's happening

with me and Ben.
- Mm.

- The truth is that
we've barely been intimate

since we moved
into the new house.

- Oh, wow.
Really?

'Cause I'd be jumping all over
that hunk of yummy every day.

- Yeah, um...

it's not me.

- Oh.

Oh!

- Do you think
there's something wrong

with the relationship?

- Um, only you would know that.

I mean,
have you guys talked about it?

- Well, I tried once, but
he just kind of joked around.

And I didn't want to push it
'cause I didn't want

to stigmatize him
and make it worse.

- Yeah, but I mean,
you can't not do anything.

You know, if your love life
needs a jumpstart,

then as Lanford's
leading life coach

and intimacy concierge,

uh...

I know some tricks.

- Jackie, gross. Stop.

Why can't you just be my aunt
and talk to me like a friend?

- I mean, I think
that'd be a waste

of six weeks of training.

[country music]

♪ ♪

- The Conners is recorded
before a live studio audience.

- Just out of curiosity,

when did you all decide
to have Easter here?

- Today.

Didn't you see it
on the family text thread?

- Oh, that thing dings
so many times a day,

it's hard to keep up.

- That was me.

I sent a ton of pics of Beverly
Rose with the Easter bunny.

- You know, I'm happy to be
on the family text chain,

but I'm on other threads

and my phone is buzzing
all day long.

People probably think
I'm a doctor,

or a drug dealer.

- Louise, nobody would
believe you're a doctor.

[phone buzzing]

- Ooh, just got one from Mark.
Said he's sad

he's gonna miss Grandpa's
Easter egg hunt this year.

- Yeah, but he's stuck
with Grandma Bev for Easter.

Nothing like
celebrating the holidays

with the woman who remembers
rolling away the stone.

- Well, more eggs
for Beverly Rose.

And this Easter
has got to be great.

- Oh, right, it's
the first one she's with you

instead of her dad.
- Yeah.

And I want her to go back and
brag about how much fun she had

so his new wife
can choke on it.

[phone buzzing]

- Um, Louise,

you know you just sent this
to the whole family, right?

- What are you talking about?

- Wrong thread, Louise.

- Seriously?

"Becky is blowing up
my phone with pictures.

"I love seeing Beverly Rose,

"but how about spending
more time with your kid

"instead of posting
a thousand pictures

to make it look like
you're a good parent?"

- Oh, my God.
Look, I'm so sorry.

I thought I was texting
one of my old bandmates.

- Because you're going to write
a song called "Crappy Mom"?

- Well, that was
a terrible mistake.

But if you're gonna
write a song like that,

my mom's given me
tons of inspiration.

You have anything
that rhymes with...

"narcissistic old bitch face"?

OK, I know you said you
don't need my help with Ben,

but just hear me out.

I pulled some
of my old life coach workbooks

on relationships.

Everything you need
is right here.

Now, this is called
the soul stare exercise.

You stand on opposite ends
of the room.

And you slowly start
walking towards each other

undressing one another
with your eyes.

- Nope.

- Hey, I'm the one
getting it regular.

I don't need this.
You need me.

- All right, fine.
- OK.

So stand over there.

You're here.

OK, you are...

Darlene.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And I am Ben.

Now, remember we are
both primitive sexual beings.

Ben is a lion.
You're a lioness.

OK?

You ready to roar?

I want to feel you unbuttoning
my shirt with your teeth.

- Maybe if you just move
a little bit to the right,

I can go right out the door.

- Yeah, that's it.
That's good.

You embrace that intensity.

Roar!

- What are you doing?

- I told you.
It's the soul stare.

It's right--oh, God,
this is Neville's.

This is how peacocks mate.

- OK, I'm going back online.

- Well, you finding
anything in there?

- Well, I mean it's mostly
advice written by men

on what to do
if a man's sex drive

is stronger than a woman's.

- Well, you just change the
pronouns and use the advice.

- Oh, sure,
I'll tell Ben

that he looks great
in his yoga pants.

And then I'll watch the kids

while he takes a bubble bath
and reads "People."

- I mean, that could work.

Everybody wants
to be complimented

and feel like they're
not being taken for granted.

- Maybe.
It also says here,

"Physical contact
is not just for the bedroom.

"You're supposed to find time
throughout the day

to reach out
and touch each other."

- This is the stuff
that keeps it fresh!

Where is Ben right now?

Right now?

- He's in the kitchen.
He's fixing the sink.

- Oh, my God, this is where
men feel the most like men.

I mean, it's sad,
but that's how it is.

So get in there!

- Oh, God,
I'm so not this person.

- No, you're the person that
nobody wants to have sex with.

- You're not wrong.

Mmm.

Somebody's looking good
under there.

- Who put eggshells
in the garbage disposal?

- I don't know,
but as I was saying,

mmm.

If the top half
of what I'm seeing

looks as good
as the bottom half...

- What are you mumbling about?

- Who's my big, strong lion?

[growls awkwardly]

- [groans]

Darlene, damn it.

You can't surprise me like that
when I'm under the sink.

- Well,
I was just complimenting you.

- God.

Well, thank you.

These are
my best under-the-sink clothes.

- [giggles]

You're so funny.

- I got to go get
some plumbers' tape

out of the garage.

- You want me
to help you find it?

- No, I think I got it.

It's that little house
we made for the cars.

- Do you think this will
smooth things over with Becky?

- Nope.

I just got off the phone
with her.

She said she doesn't want
to deal with you on Easter.

And if you think you're
seeing too much of her kid,

go to a movie for the day.

- What'd you tell her
when she said that?

- I said "Louise is my wife.

If she's not here,
I'm not here."

- And what did she say?
- I don't know.

She hung up before I said that.

- This is crazy.

- Honey,
you called her a bad mom.

She's real sensitive
about that.

- I know that.

And I've texted her,
like, a hundred apologies.

I went back,
and I liked

every stupid photo
of her kid sleeping.

I even wrote,
"She's so good at being still."

- This obviously
doesn't come easy for you,

but I appreciate you trying.

But I really want my
granddaughter here for Easter.

[sensual lounge music playing]

♪ ♪

- Oh, wow.

Look at you being
all energetic and weird.

- It's not weird.

I was just thinking
we never dance anymore.

- Well, we never started
because you hate it.

- I hate flossing,

but I do it.

Come on.

- Honey,
I could watch you all night

and analyze you
all the next day,

but I am trying
to pay the bills here.

OK.

[sniffs]

Wow.
Are you wearing perfume?

- I may have walked
through a blast of Febreze.

- You know what?
This is fun.

But there's not gonna
be any music to dance to

if I don't pay
the electric bill.

- Then we'll just
dance in the dark.

Or do other things.

- Ooh.

Or maybe...

we can...

do it another time.

[turns off speaker]

- Yeah, we can,
but we never do.

I mean, yesterday was
our anniversary, you know,

and you were
too busy then too.

I mean, do you realize
that we've had sex one time

since we moved
into this house?

- I haven't been counting.

- Well, it's easy. One.

The house is empty.

Why can't we just
do it right now?

- Why does it have to be now?

You're making
too much of this, OK?

Look, it's perfectly natural
for sex in a marriage

to ebb and flow.

- Yeah, but while
you're ebbing, I'm flowing.

I mean, I really want this.
I danced for you.

You know how I feel
about dancing.

It's for people who don't have
the courage to stand still.

OK, look, if you don't want
to do it right now,

then let's just
schedule something.

- Oh, God, a schedule.

That's just so formal.

Can't we just
let it happen naturally?

- Ben, pick a time.

We can't let
the fire and passion

in our marriage die, right?

- OK.

9:00.

- What day?

- Now I have to pick a day?

- OK.
Tomorrow night at 9:00.

- Fine.

- See?
That wasn't formal.

It was nice and natural.

I'm gonna put it
in my phone.

It'll show up in your calendar,

and you'll get an alert,
like, two hours before.

- [clears throat]
Hey, just so you know,

Ben and I have
a sex date tonight.

- Oh, good.
Where is he right now?

- He's doing inventory.
- Wow.

How much equipment
do you guys use?

- Happy Easter!

all: Happy Easter!

- This is amazing.

I love you guys.

Beverly Rose
is never gonna forget this.

- That was the plan.

Happy Easter, honey!

Oh, and the Easter bunny
hid eggs all over the yard.

- What are you doing here?

- I'm trying
to make things right.

You wanted a great Easter
for Beverly Rose,

so I'm making it happen.

- I'm leaving,

but I'm not going to ruin it
for Beverly Rose.

Someone needs
to drive her home.

- Oh, come on, Becky.

I'm trying
to make a gesture here.

- Oh, look out the window
as I'm leaving.

You'll see a gesture.

- Come on, Becky.
Don't ruin the day.

Louise was up all night
doing this.

- I don't care.

You know what?

You wanted to be here.
Let's do this.

I was all
for you marrying my dad,

but it turns out
you're one of those people

who pretends to be nice but
talks crap behind your back.

In this house, we insult
each other to our faces.

- Damn, this is like "Real
Housewives" without the money.

- OK, I think
I've been pretty patient

hoping you two
would work things out.

Becky, you said this family

says everything
to each other's faces?

- That's right.
- Yeah.

Well, here are some texts
I've received recently.

This one is from Aunt Jackie.

"If Louise talks about life
on the road one more time,

"I'm gonna grab her
by her cheap dyed hair

"and kick her up
and down the street.

Then she'll be back
on the road."

- I don't think
you should be talking

about anybody's hair,
Fantastic Sam.

- You can't
take that stuff seriously.

- Here's another from a child
who shall remain nameless.

[coughs] Harris.

"Has Aunt Jackie ever actually
been institutionalized?

Because I got a bet going
with Mark and Mary."

- It was a game.
- We were just playing

"Which Conners Have Been
Institutionalized?"

- [laughs]
- What are you laughing at?

- Because I'm the only one here

who hasn't been as fake
as the rest of you.

- Really?
Well, how about this?

Just last week, in the middle
of your shift at The Lunch Box,

you said, and I quote--
OK, here it is--

"You have no idea
what a nightmare it is

to work with these
two menopausal Muppets."

- Hey!
- Hey!

- OK.

I think I made my point.

We've all had days
where we're stressed out,

or pissed,
or just having a lousy day.

Before these things,

you badmouthed a friend
to a friend.

And that was the end of it.

Now you write it down,
you send it out,

and it's out there forever.

It ain't natural.

- Look, I just want
the whole family to get along

and enjoy a holiday.

I did something stupid.
Can't we just get over it?

- Let's all agree
we're sorry for what we said,

wipe the slate clean,

and delete
the Conner text chain.

- That's right.
Sorry, everybody.

- Sorry, you guys.
- Hit delete.

- I do have
one last thing to ask.

Was Aunt Jackie
ever institutionalized?

- Darlene, hey.

I'm really sorry,
but I'm gonna be late.

I know,
but I can't help it.

The sprinkler pipe burst.

Your dad's going up
on the roof to fix it.

I'm getting inventory
out of the way of the leaks.

I, uh--I really don't know
what time I'll be home.

Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry too.

OK.

[door opens]

Well, what are you doing up?

You should have
gone to bed, hon.

I'm sorry
tonight got messed up.

- Just stop.

I know you're lying.

I'm not even mad.
I'm just embarrassed.

- What are you talking about?

- My dad was here
when you called,

but nice touch
with the wet shirt.

- Well, I find
when you're lying to your wife

about not having sex,

the details are important.

- I've been stood up before,

but I never thought
it would be by my husband.

- I'm so sorry.

- Why the hell don't you
want to have sex with me?

- Oh, no.

Yes, I do.

I always do.

When we first started,
I had my own magazine.

I was writing.

I felt really great
about myself.

- What, and you don't now?

- It's just different.

Now I'm hardware store guy
and wear a vest.

And I'm stepdad guy.

And I have
a million responsibilities.

And...
[sighs]

I just don't feel,

you know.

- No, I don't know.

You don't feel what?

- I don't feel sexy right now.

- What are you talking about?

Honey, you're beautiful.

- Oh, you don't mean that.

I didn't even have a chance
to fix my face.

- Look.
Come on, Ben.

You've taken all the crap

that me and my family
have thrown at you,

and you are still standing.

I mean,
I think that is crazy hot.

- I love
that you feel that way.

I mean, I don't know
what turns you on

about stressed-out dad bod,
but I'll take it.

I just don't want
to disappoint you, you know?

And you kept pushing me.

And then I guess
the scheduling sex

just kind of pushed me
over the edge.

- OK.

Why don't we shelve sex
for the time being?

We're still gonna
make a schedule.

But no pressure.
It's just to hang out.

And then you will tell me
when you're ready.

- And look, eventually,
I will come to terms

with the fact
that I'm not cool anymore.

And it's gonna happen
sooner than later.

- Good.

And if I'm on my deathbed,
just, you know,

throw me one
so I don't wait for nothing.

- You guys doing OK?

[turns off TV]

- I've been racking my brain

trying to figure out
why you wrote that.

Do you resent me because I have
a kid and you never had one?

- Oh,
I don't resent you, Becky.

And my stupid remark
had nothing to do

with me having a kid
or not having a kid.

I had a lousy mom.

And if anything,
I could jealous of the fact

that Beverly Rose has a mom
that loves her so much

she wants everyone else
to know.

You're a great mom
with a great kid

that I'm tired
of deleting photos of.

You see,
I have an iPhone 4,

and it's clogging it up.

I am one photo away

from not being able
to make a phone call.

- You could give Apple
another $1.99 a month.

- Over my dead body.

- [whispering]
Don't say that.

They can hear you.

- [giggles]