All language subtitles for The.Conners.416

Dan: Ask around,
look on the Internet.

I'm telling you, they've
already got punctureless tires,

and they've been hiding it
from us since the 1920s.

Did you ever see one
of those Keystone Kops movies

where they're chasing
bootleggers?

40 cops hanging off of
one truck, never a blowout.

Never.

Okay, who gave the Michelin Man
an energy drink

first thing
in the morning?

That drink was in the fridge,
and it had my name on it, Dan.

Community property, baby.
I left half in there for you.

Actually, I drank
the other half.

It's cute
you think there's rules.

Hey, everyone.

Yes, yes, it is me.

The guy from
the Olinsky Hardware commercial

you all know and love,

playing on the pumps
at the Stop 'N Gas!

Oh, my God.
It's really you?

Here, just make it out
to Darlene...
Ah.

...the woman
who is so sad

that you're so excited
about this.
Mm.

For your information,
the gas pump ads

have been a great promotion
for us.

We've increased our sales
by 25%.

Oh, man. I could use that
at The Lunch Box.

Now that football season's over
and basketball season's going,

everybody's hanging out
at The Drink and Dribble.

Oh, yeah. That's where
The Squat and Gobble used to be.

I miss
the old Squat and Gobble.

That place
would still be going

if they'd have had chairs
in the joint.

Hey, Jackie, I can make you
a gas pump commercial

like mine, no problem.

We can shoot the whole thing
on my phone.

Really? Could I come up
with the concept?

Sure, yeah.

It just has to be
under 15 seconds

or you get cut off by the
Sasquatch eating a Slim Jim.

Excuse me.

I was just upstairs grabbing
more stuff to take to Aldo's,

and why is there a dining room
set on my side of the bedroom?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Now that Darlene and Becky
are moving out,

I-I thought I'd bring
some more of my stuff over

and downgrade
to a smaller storage unit.

Interesting how Louise
is slowly taking over the house.

She's my wife.

What exactly
are you doing over here?

I'm the wise elder
everybody comes to for answers.

Look, Louise is too nice
to say this, but I'm not.

She's not trying
to take over anything.

She's just trying
to carve out some space

in a house overrun with
40-year-old step-grown-ups.

She just wants some privacy
with her husband.

Well, we're all
on the same page.

None of us want
to accidentally see

what you two
need privacy for.

But I-I can't find
a decent house in this city

that I can afford.

Wait, you're a Conner.

You're supposed to buy
something you can't afford

and then wake up every night
for the next 30 years

with your heart racing.

Huh. It ain't my heart.
That's GERD.

I'm just gonna have
to start looking further out.

Maybe it's time to let go
of that dream

of a place overlooking
the Lanford salvage yard.

Hey,
I'm a part of this, too.

I know
house prices are lower

the farther away you get
from Chicago,

but how far can you go?

Eventually, it's just, like,
Missouri, right?

Whoa. I can't have
Becky moving any further out.

She's already late
three times a week

and she only lives
a few blocks away.

That reminds me.
I'm gonna be late today.

See? This is
what I'm talking about.

I just --

I feel overwhelmed
over there.

It's like I'm trying to brush
the ocean back with a broom.

Yeah,
you're the wise elder.

I'm sure
you'll figure it out.

-- Captions by VITAC --

**

**

**

**

[ Knock on door ]

[ Groans ]
That's not good.

Nobody knocks on our door
in the afternoon

unless they expect
to find us home.

It's Blansky,

the cemetery guy.

He must smell death around us.

Does anybody have a cough
they haven't been able to shake?

Hey, Don!
How's it going?

I'm okay.

Hey, how come I never see you
around these days?

You're at the cemetery.

That's what I mean.

Stop eating so healthy.

Uh...I haven't had
the pleasure.

Hi, Don.
I'm Louise, Dan's wife.

And he doesn't die
till I'm done with him.

Oh, well, hello.

Somebody made a deal
with the devil.

Uh, but I'm actually here
for another reason.

I heard through my realtor
that Darlene

was looking for a house?

Yeah, stop right there,
Don.

Don't try to convince me

that a crypt is a tiny house.

Ah, I've got
something better.

You know my funeral home
down on Pulaski?

Well, business is so good,

I'm moving into
a bigger space.

Mm, well,
don't expand too fast.

Who knows? People around here

could start wearing masks
and eating right.

Anyway,
it's a small Victorian,

and it only became
a funeral home

when my grandfather opened
the cemetery in the 1920s.

I've been in that place.

Did some drywall work for
your dad. It's beautiful.

Look, we really
appreciate you stopping by

and making our day weird,
Don.
Mm-hmm.

But Darlene and I

really aren't in the market
for a funeral home,

but if you hear
of a converted slaughterhouse,

give us a ring.
Bye-bye.

Don't rule it out.

It's like me.

It's adorable, well-maintained,

and won't be on the market
for long.

Take care of yourself, guy.
But not too good!

Listen, he wouldn't be
sniffing around here

if he had a ton of buyers.

You may be able to get
this place for a song.

Yeah, because
it's full of ghosts!

I'm not raising my kid
in a funeral home.

Look, it's not my dream house
either, but Dad's right.

It's close by,
and I-I don't believe

in spirits lingering
in a house.

Do you believe in adult children
lingering in a house?

'Cause that's what I'm trying
to fix.

Go look at the place.

**

Okay, so all I did was stand
behind the counter at my store

and say, "Hi, I'm Ben Olinsky
from Olinsky's Hardware.

Come on down for everything
you might need

for your home, car,
or RV.

And I don't know
why we call it 'hardware,'

because when you come in,
I make it easy."

Huh?
Just do something like that.

It's just simple
with a touch of genius.

Okay, here's something
that won't put you to sleep

with the pump
in your hand.

Alright. We're gonna start
on a regular metal lunch box,

and a hand comes in,
opens it up,

and the entire Lunch Box
restaurant is inside

with all the customers
and everything.

And then the camera
swoops over to a bowl of stew,

and I'm in the stew

and I'm swimming across it
like Esther Williams.

And then a big spoon comes in
and scoops me up,

but before it throws me
into the giant mouth,

I say, "Hey, hungry.
Don't bite my head off.

Come on down
to The Lunch Box.

We'll feed you happy!"

[ Laughs ]

I love it.

I do, too. I love it.
I love it, too.

I just have one question.
Yes?

Do you have $2 million?

What? You told me you could do
the whole thing on your phone.

No, look.
Come on.

This is what I can shoot,
okay?

Uh...

"Hi, I'm Jackie Harris
from The Lunch Box.

Come on down
for some heartwarming stew.

I don't know why we call it
'The Lunch Box.'

We should call it
'The Hunch Box,'

'cause I've got a hunch
you'll love it."

See, and I'm not even
gonna charge you anything

for the writing.

I should charge you
for having to listen to that.

Hey, come on.
This started as a favor.

I know,
but you're at an advantage.

People need hardware.
They don't need stew.

I've got to move people
into the place

and I've got to do it now!

Alright.
Alright, alright.

I'm -- I'm --
I'm about ready to --
Listen...

Okay, just...

Do you have anything
that's just a little less grand?

Yes, of course.

Okay, now,
it's Mount Ve-stew-vius,

and instead of lava
coming down, it's stew,

and people are running towards
it with bowls and spoons.

So, what do you think?

Huh.
[ Laughs ]

I think I can't see
what you're seeing

until I take
whatever you're taking.

**

Look at all the character
in this place.

Stained glass windows.

Pressed tin.

This is
the original oak floor.

This place
is actually really nice.
Mm-hmm.

It's a shame that the dead
people never get to see this.

Well, feel free
to look around.

We still have some stuff
to box up.

[ Cellphone rings ]
Oh.

Probably another offer.

W--

Mom,
I'm working right now.

Well, if you want me
to come over,

then make
the fish sticks.

Wow, this place is way better
than anything I've seen.

Holy cow.
This place has an elevator!

What's he still
doing here?

Is this what happens
when the check bounces?

Oh, no!
The door's closing by itself!

That's what elevators do.

So, what do you think
so far?

I...probably would want to make
some small changes,

starting with the body
in the elevator.

Okay, there's no body
in there, okay?

That's where I'm storing
my jazz albums.

Listen, let me save everyone
some time, okay?

No one's interested,

and I'm in over my head
at the other place,

so here's the deal.

No money down.

You take over the mortgage.

$500 a month,
and it's yours.

500 bucks?!

That is so cheap!

I wouldn't even have
to pay rent, right?

Sure, but then you get
the basement

with the rest
of the stiffs.

Make up your mind.

The offer's only good
until the fire next Tuesday.

I -- Oh, I got
to pick up hamburgers.

My mom
burned the fish sticks.

Would you lock up
when you finish?

Thank you.

Oh, you put them
in the oven.

You turn the oven on high.
How hard is that?

I do it all day long.

[ Door closes ]

Oh, this is
a great idea.

This is where they let
the kids play

so they don't have to deal
with the funeral.

Oh, wow.

You had one of these.

Hey, look. I fit.

And my feet
touch the floor.

Oh.

I don't think
this is a playroom.

Then what is it?

"Look for Mommy
in the Clouds."

"Daddy Will See You Later."

"We're Gone, But We Haven't
Stopped Loving You."

Oh, man.

This is the room where
they try to console kids

who are overwhelmed
by grief.

We've been so creeped out
by all the body stuff

that we forgot about
all the grief and suffering

that families have felt
in this house.

What's "Charlotte's Web"
doing here?

Charlotte dies.

Charlotte dies?

Finish a book, Becky.

This is the book
I'm reading to Beverly Rose.

We have the drive home

to come up with a new ending
to the story.

How about, "Charlotte is priced
out of the real estate market,

and she has to go live
in her dad's web,

like the 8-legged loser
that she is."

That's great stew.
You bet it is.

Why don't you come down
and see for yourself?

We'll be here.
At The Lunch Box.

Cut.
No.

What?
That was perfect.

No, I don't know.
I-I don't know.

I don't know. I-I feel
a little stiff or something.

Oh.
I want to come across
as warm and inviting.

Okay. Alright.
No problem.

Let's try again.

Okay.
Ready?

Uh...yeah.

Action.

Mmm!

[ Southern accent ] I say,
how's that stew treating you,

Sugar Lump?

[ Southern accent ]
I do declare,

there's a hair
in this here stew.

[ Normal voice ] Okay.
Alright, cut.

Guys, come on.
What are we doing?
Oh.

Uh, we're looking for
a little thing called "tone."

What you had was good.

I am telling you,
simple sells at the pump.

Yeah.
But it's not good enough.

I mean, I'm killing myself
trying to increase sales,

and if we only have 15 seconds
to grab an audience,

then it has to be perfect,
right?

Yes, yes. Alright.

My God!

I want you to be happy with it,
so here we go.

Ready?

Um...yeah.

Action.

That's great stew.
You bet your ass it is,

and if you're
the hundredth person

that comes through that door
and says, "I want stew,"

you're getting a date
with this feisty young thing.

You're pimping me
for stew?

It's advertising 101.
Bait and switch. Right?

Come in for the hot girl,
you get the hot stew.

What the...

Alright, look.

It's your decision,

but it is kind of feeling
like you've blurred the line

between diner food
and human trafficking.

Okay.

I don't need
your moral judgment.

You don't get it.

I'm carrying this whole thing
on my back, alright?

We all don't get
to coast through life

because Daddy handed us
a business.

Hey, wait a second.

I don't know
what your problem is.

I am here
to help you out.

Then stop getting
in my way.

Oh, well,
you know what?

That's the first thing
you've pitched that I can do.

Oh, great.

That's just great.

I mean, am I crazy?!

You're always crazy,
but this is loco grande.

No,
you don't understand.

Something's gonna break,

and it's either gonna be me
or this business.

No, I understand.

I mean, of everyone in the
family, you're my role model

for what you can accomplish

with the dignity
of a hard day's work.

Well, thank you.
Alright, now...

get on the counter
and dance.

Where the hell
are you going?

Oh!

So what'd you guys
think of the house?

Can I call
the moving company?

Well, it's beautiful.

They kept the original Victorian
feel inside the house, too,

and Blansky offered Darlene
the place

for $500 a month,
no money down.

But...

"But"?
I'm not hearing the "but."

It's too sad.

That's a house
with decades

of grief and sorrow
baked into it.

Honey, people have died
and people have mourned

in any house
you're gonna buy.

You throw a coat of paint
on it, put your stuff in there,

I'm sure it'll feel
completely different.

Alright, I didn't really want
to do this,

but I found a couple places
out in Rockford.

They seem nice, and they're
in my price range.

Rockford?
That's over an hour away.

We're never gonna see
you guys.

Yeah, I don't want to live
all the way out there.

You know, for a barnacle,
you have a lot of demands.

Dad, an hour
is not that far away.

Chicago is
only an hour away.

When you lived there,

I missed five years
of my grandkids' lives.

Don't make me feel guilty
about moving.

I worked really hard
to get myself

to a place
where I can buy a house.

I need to do this now.

Your life.
Your decision.

Mm.
Mommy,

Louise read me the rest
of "Charlotte's Web"

while you were gone.

Oh.

I'm sorry, honey.

I know
it's sad that she died.

She died?

Not in the version
that I read her.

I-In our version, she goes
on the road with her rock band.

Oh, right!

She dyed her hair purple,

because when you're in a band,
you have to have weird hair.

Okay.

I love this age!

Yeah, but they're
not stupid forever.

**

[ Chuckles ]

St. Patrick's Day
was a week ago.

Why are you still dressed
like that?

Oh, that pub
a couple blocks away

is selling green hot dogs
for a dollar.

Alright, you ready to attack
those weenies,

you big LepreConner?

Jackie.
Ben.

We need to talk.

Boy,
do I know that tone.

Robin, it's time for you
to fight the Joker alone.

So, Ben,
I'm really sorry.

I shouldn't have said that
about your dad.

That was way over the line,
'cause I know how hard you work.

Thank you, Jackie.
Apology accepted.

[ Chuckles ]
What's going on with you?

Oh, just,
here's the deal.

I never wanted anything so bad
as having The Lunch Box,

but first I was doing it
with Roseanne and then Becky,

and now I'm doing it all alone,
and it's 85 hours a week,

and even
when I'm not there,

I'm just always stressed
about it.

Last week, in the middle
of me and Neville making love...

Mm.
...I shouted, "Oh, God!
My lemon meringue is expired!"

I just want to raise
the profits

so I can sell the place
and have my life back.

Well, hey, when I first got
the hardware store,

I was tearing my hair out.

I hated it.

So how did you cope
with it?

Well, I found shortcuts.

Do you have
payroll software?

Do you have
an inventory tracking program

on your computer?

I don't think so.
Yeah.

I guess I would know
if I did, right? Yeah.

I learned everything
from Roseanne,

so I've got
a big stack of napkins

with all my financial stuff
scribbled on it.

What I'm hearing is,

you want me to update
that system.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're working
way harder than you have to,

and I can help you set
all that stuff up.

I might even be able
to get you down

to a relaxing
60 hours a week.

Oh, my God!

That would be fantastic.
Yeah.

'Cause I love
The Lunch Box.

I got
so many memories there.

You know, that's
the family business,

and where would
I get money, anyway,

if I wanted to start
a new business?

My mom's getting old,

and I'm running
out of time

to swindle her again.
Ha ha.

Mm. Any time you feel like
it's all too much,

you just give me a call,
day or night.

Really? Day or night?

Mm...

Let's say day or...

later in the day.

**

Sorry we're late.
Traffic was a nightmare.

So are you girls
moving to Rockford?

Maybe.

The house
was built in the '70s,

so it's got
that cottage cheese ceiling,

but that goes perfectly with
the gigantic vanity mirror bulbs

in the bathroom,
which, by the way,

really light up that
avocado-colored toilet.

But it's cheap,
so I love it.

You know,
I've been thinking.

There might be another way
to tackle this.

You're not gonna get
another opportunity

like that funeral home.

The only thing you don't like
about that house

is the house.

Right.

Well, when you're buying
a house,

the house is
the important part of the house.

What if you guys tore down
the death palace

and then your father
built you a new place

on the same property?

Who? What?

You know, Darlene was gonna get
a loan to buy a house,

but now
with Blansky's offer,

you could spend that money
on construction materials

that you could use to build
a new house.

I'm sorry,
you said "you."

Were you talking to
a much younger man behind me?

Are you too feeble to build
a house anymore, old man?

Oh, you are
a dangerous rapscallion.

Of course
I can build a house.

Can you really?

'Cause if you die in a room
while you're building it,

we're back to square one.

I can build it.

Oh, my God.
I'm getting a brand-new house!

Thank you!

-Oh, this is amazing!
-Oh.

And thank you!

I know how much you want
our dad all to yourself,

and after you get that, please
remember you asked for it.

Let's go call Blansky

before he breaks out
the gasoline and oily rags.

Oh, you're awful good
to me.
Oh.

Someday you're gonna have
to tell me

what you're getting out
of it.

Mm.

Well, when I figure it out,
I'll let you know.

And don't worry.

I'll -- I'll help you out
with the house.

Oh, it'll be so nice.
I can see it now.

You up on a ladder with your
cutoff shorts and tool belt.

Me looking lovingly up
at you,

trapped under
a piece of drywall,

clutching my chest
from a massive heart attack.

It'll be great.

**

She's gonna blow!

It's Mount Ve-stew-vius.

Everybody grab a spoon
and a bowl

and dig into a hearty meal
at a great price!

**

Wait.

**

Or nowadays, you can just come
on down to The Lunch Box,

where happy hour stew deals
are erupting

between 5:00 and 7:00 every day!

**