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1
00:00:04,526 --> 00:00:06,180
Okay, I got the candy
in three piles --
2
00:00:06,223 --> 00:00:09,618
Valentine's, Halloween,
and Christmas.
3
00:00:09,661 --> 00:00:11,489
God, how long
have you had this stuff?
4
00:00:11,533 --> 00:00:13,274
Ever since
your grandmother said,
5
00:00:13,317 --> 00:00:15,058
"Holiday candy
stays good forever.
6
00:00:15,102 --> 00:00:16,842
It's like medicine."
7
00:00:16,886 --> 00:00:21,195
Now let's divide the candy
into "good" and "bad."
8
00:00:24,894 --> 00:00:27,070
There.
That's the bad pile.
9
00:00:27,114 --> 00:00:29,551
Hey!
I was still eating those.
10
00:00:29,594 --> 00:00:31,074
You know, a lot of that stuff
will soften up
11
00:00:31,118 --> 00:00:33,772
if you just work it in your
mouth for a couple hours.
12
00:00:34,599 --> 00:00:37,863
Uh, I hate to interrupt
the riveting stale candy debate,
13
00:00:37,907 --> 00:00:39,691
but there is
a really good house here.
14
00:00:39,735 --> 00:00:41,432
It's right at the top end
of my price range,
15
00:00:41,476 --> 00:00:42,781
but it's the only one
that hasn't said,
16
00:00:42,825 --> 00:00:45,088
"Train lovers
look no further."
17
00:00:45,132 --> 00:00:47,482
I wouldn't consider the train
a dealbreaker.
18
00:00:47,525 --> 00:00:50,354
I think it's nice when
your house rocks you to sleep.
19
00:00:50,398 --> 00:00:52,008
Becky, let's go
check it out later.
20
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,096
If you're gonna live there,
21
00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:54,141
you should check out
the place, too.
22
00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:56,012
Oh, I can't today.
23
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,101
Glen's picking me up
for a date in a little bit.
24
00:00:58,145 --> 00:00:59,276
Ooh.
25
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:00,843
Okay, fine.
I'll take Harris.
26
00:01:00,886 --> 00:01:03,106
But this lack of initiative
is how you and your daughter
27
00:01:03,150 --> 00:01:04,542
end up in a basement.
28
00:01:05,717 --> 00:01:08,242
So...
you're going out
29
00:01:08,285 --> 00:01:09,982
with your professor again,
huh?
30
00:01:10,026 --> 00:01:11,375
Yeah.
We got to keep it on the DL
31
00:01:11,419 --> 00:01:13,116
so we don't get
into trouble.
32
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,987
We're trying a little
out-of-the-way place
33
00:01:15,031 --> 00:01:16,337
three towns over.
34
00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:17,990
It's called Rusty's Kitchen.
35
00:01:18,034 --> 00:01:19,905
Based on the website picture
36
00:01:19,949 --> 00:01:22,560
of the guy flipping burgers
with his shirt off,
37
00:01:22,604 --> 00:01:23,692
it might just be a kitchen
38
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:25,302
in the house
of a guy named Rusty.
39
00:01:26,825 --> 00:01:28,523
I feel bad
not going with Darlene,
40
00:01:28,566 --> 00:01:31,047
but I'm not even sure
if I want to live with her.
41
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:32,309
It's a tough decision.
42
00:01:32,353 --> 00:01:34,006
Well, just make a list of
pros and cons.
43
00:01:34,050 --> 00:01:35,138
Oh, sure.
44
00:01:35,182 --> 00:01:37,401
Not easy having a sister
as a roommate.
45
00:01:37,445 --> 00:01:39,186
Were you and Mom
ever roommates?
46
00:01:39,229 --> 00:01:42,145
No. ButI don't know
if you know this.
47
00:01:42,189 --> 00:01:43,364
I was actually a twin.
48
00:01:43,407 --> 00:01:45,409
They say I killed my sibling
in the womb.
49
00:01:46,236 --> 00:01:48,151
It wasn't a twin.
50
00:01:48,195 --> 00:01:50,327
All they found
was an ovarian cyst.
51
00:01:50,371 --> 00:01:52,286
Yeah.
After I got done with her.
52
00:01:52,329 --> 00:01:53,635
[ Sighs ]
53
00:01:53,678 --> 00:01:55,985
Okay,
there's the first pro --
54
00:01:56,028 --> 00:01:59,336
uh, "Spend less time with other
crazy family members."
55
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:01,512
Oh, yeah, I get that.
56
00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:05,125
So what are the cons
of moving in with Darlene?
57
00:02:06,387 --> 00:02:07,997
Darlene.
Mm.
58
00:02:09,390 --> 00:02:17,224
♪♪
59
00:02:17,267 --> 00:02:25,406
♪♪
60
00:02:25,449 --> 00:02:35,503
♪♪
61
00:02:35,503 --> 00:02:41,204
♪♪
62
00:02:47,384 --> 00:02:49,212
See, we got through
the whole house
63
00:02:49,256 --> 00:02:51,258
without some pushy Realtor
bugging us.
64
00:02:51,301 --> 00:02:52,607
That's why you gotta
dress like this.
65
00:02:52,650 --> 00:02:54,478
I don't want these people to
think I've got money.
66
00:02:54,522 --> 00:02:57,046
Yeah, whatever you do,
don't tuck in your sweatshirt.
67
00:02:57,089 --> 00:02:59,266
They might think
you're a billionaire.
68
00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:01,485
This place is amazing,
right?
69
00:03:01,529 --> 00:03:03,357
I mean, it's got so much
potential.
70
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,446
Oh, my God, I want it so bad.
71
00:03:05,489 --> 00:03:07,448
Then go for it.
I'm gonna go grab my phone.
72
00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:09,406
I left it charging
in an outlet upstairs.
73
00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:12,061
Oh, Harris, you're, uh,
stealing electricity.
74
00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:13,280
People live here.
75
00:03:13,323 --> 00:03:15,151
So while you're up there,
make sure to grab
76
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,761
some soap and toilet paper.
77
00:03:27,468 --> 00:03:29,513
Hi.
You can't be in here.
78
00:03:29,557 --> 00:03:31,298
But if you come back
at the end of the day,
79
00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:34,344
I'll leave a plate of
leftover cookies on the porch.
80
00:03:34,388 --> 00:03:35,606
Oh, no.
81
00:03:35,650 --> 00:03:37,521
I'm -- I'm not here
for the food.
82
00:03:37,565 --> 00:03:40,307
By the way,
I love this house.
83
00:03:40,350 --> 00:03:41,743
I'm sure you do.
84
00:03:41,786 --> 00:03:43,440
It's indoors.
85
00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:46,095
I'm sorry, but I have to
ask you to leave.
86
00:03:47,096 --> 00:03:49,968
Oh, oh, you think I'm homeless
because of the way I'm dressed.
87
00:03:50,012 --> 00:03:51,448
No, I'm not. Smell me.
88
00:03:51,492 --> 00:03:54,059
I'd rather not.
Please.
89
00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:55,278
Mom, what are you doing?
90
00:03:55,322 --> 00:03:56,975
Oh, Harris.
You're just in time.
91
00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:58,107
This is my daughter.
92
00:03:58,150 --> 00:03:59,717
Harris,
please tell her who I am.
93
00:03:59,761 --> 00:04:01,676
I am so sorry.
94
00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:03,678
We were just about to put out
a silver alert for her.
95
00:04:03,721 --> 00:04:05,070
No, no, no.
96
00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:06,333
No, not right now.
97
00:04:06,376 --> 00:04:07,856
That's only funny
with family.
98
00:04:07,899 --> 00:04:10,119
No, it's funny now.
99
00:04:10,162 --> 00:04:12,077
Fine. She's a manager
at Wellman Plastics,
100
00:04:12,121 --> 00:04:14,297
the pillar of our community.
101
00:04:14,341 --> 00:04:17,735
Anyway, I am super interested
in this house,
102
00:04:17,779 --> 00:04:19,171
and I would like to make
an offer.
103
00:04:19,215 --> 00:04:21,478
Great. But you'll want to
get it in soon.
104
00:04:21,522 --> 00:04:24,002
This house
is priced to move.
105
00:04:24,046 --> 00:04:26,353
It's gonna be
a multiple-offer situation.
106
00:04:26,396 --> 00:04:28,311
Okay, so how do I make sure
I get it?
107
00:04:28,355 --> 00:04:31,140
Come in at asking price,
don't low ball.
108
00:04:31,183 --> 00:04:32,794
And then make sure
you and your husband,
109
00:04:32,837 --> 00:04:34,883
or your partner,
are pre-approved.
110
00:04:34,926 --> 00:04:36,363
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's -- That's not an issue.
111
00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:38,365
I'm qualified, but the loan's
just gonna be in my name.
112
00:04:38,408 --> 00:04:41,933
Ooh, that might be a tough one
for the seller.
113
00:04:41,977 --> 00:04:44,588
They prefer the security
of a couple.
114
00:04:44,632 --> 00:04:46,721
Oh, yeah,
so do adoption agencies.
115
00:04:46,764 --> 00:04:48,331
But that just means
you might end up with
116
00:04:48,375 --> 00:04:50,551
two alcoholic parents,
right?
117
00:04:50,594 --> 00:04:52,770
I mean, I think those days
are behind us.
118
00:04:52,814 --> 00:04:54,337
I'm sure all things
being equal,
119
00:04:54,381 --> 00:04:56,992
a single woman and a couple
have the exact same shot.
120
00:04:57,035 --> 00:04:59,342
I can't say this officially,
121
00:04:59,386 --> 00:05:01,170
but since I've already
opened myself up
122
00:05:01,213 --> 00:05:04,826
to an equal-opportunity lawsuit
with the homeless thing -- no.
123
00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:06,523
The couple
would win the bid.
124
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:08,351
A couple would also beat
a single man?
125
00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:09,918
Oh, absolutely.
126
00:05:09,961 --> 00:05:12,964
The only good news for single
men is they beat single women.
127
00:05:13,008 --> 00:05:14,531
Excuse me?
128
00:05:14,575 --> 00:05:15,880
More earning potential
129
00:05:15,924 --> 00:05:18,361
and less likely to end up
raising children alone.
130
00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:21,364
Okay, so a single man
beats a single woman,
131
00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:23,235
but a couple beats them both?
132
00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:25,542
I assume the highest hand
is two men.
133
00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:26,935
The banks don't even
run their credit.
134
00:05:26,978 --> 00:05:29,198
We just hand them
the keys.
135
00:05:29,241 --> 00:05:32,375
Wow. Well, I feel sorry
for some poor single woman
136
00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:34,072
that's just trying to make
a better life for herself.
137
00:05:34,116 --> 00:05:36,379
I guess she should just keep
living with her father, right?
138
00:05:36,423 --> 00:05:40,949
You joke, but there are some
lost souls who have to do that.
139
00:05:40,992 --> 00:05:42,298
Yeah.
140
00:05:44,822 --> 00:05:47,999
Oh, my God.
We're actually out of the house.
141
00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:49,653
Let's take a romantic stroll
afterward.
142
00:05:49,697 --> 00:05:50,872
Finally,
we don't have to worry
143
00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:52,395
about one of my students
seeing us.
144
00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:53,527
[ Chuckles ]
145
00:05:53,570 --> 00:05:54,876
Didn't you like
walking around my yard
146
00:05:54,919 --> 00:05:56,617
and checking to see
if any of the chickens
147
00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:58,227
had frozen to death
overnight?
148
00:05:58,270 --> 00:06:00,795
Took me a while to find
the romance in it, but yeah.
149
00:06:05,669 --> 00:06:07,584
Hey, Professor Davis!
150
00:06:07,628 --> 00:06:09,412
[ Car door closes ]
151
00:06:09,456 --> 00:06:10,457
Hey.
152
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:11,893
Becky?
153
00:06:11,936 --> 00:06:14,461
What are you guys doing
all the way out here?
154
00:06:14,504 --> 00:06:16,898
Connie: We live out here.
It's cheaper.
155
00:06:16,941 --> 00:06:19,466
What are you guys
doing out here? Together?
156
00:06:19,509 --> 00:06:21,293
I live out here, too.
157
00:06:21,337 --> 00:06:22,643
Because it's cheaper.
158
00:06:22,686 --> 00:06:24,688
And, uh, I was just
giving Becky a ride.
159
00:06:24,732 --> 00:06:26,473
Because I had a flat tire.
160
00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:30,564
And he brought me all the way
out here to buy a new tire.
161
00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:32,435
'Cause it's cheaper.
162
00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:34,524
-[ Chuckles ]
-Oh, okay.
163
00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:36,526
'Cause when we saw you
get out the car,
164
00:06:36,570 --> 00:06:38,572
it almost looked like
you guys were on a date.
165
00:06:38,615 --> 00:06:40,878
[ Both laugh ]
166
00:06:40,922 --> 00:06:42,663
A date? Gross.
167
00:06:42,706 --> 00:06:44,708
I don't date
my professor.
168
00:06:44,752 --> 00:06:46,493
I only date
young and hot guys.
169
00:06:46,536 --> 00:06:48,712
Yeah, and I can show you
pictures of people I've dated
170
00:06:48,756 --> 00:06:51,149
that are much better looking
than her.
171
00:06:52,368 --> 00:06:54,326
But you're single, right?
172
00:06:54,370 --> 00:06:55,589
Oh, yeah.
173
00:06:55,632 --> 00:06:57,460
Well,
since you're single,
174
00:06:57,504 --> 00:06:58,940
you should come out
with us tonight.
175
00:06:58,983 --> 00:07:01,464
The Chamber of Commerce is
trying to keep younger people
176
00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:03,858
in the city, so they're having
a big singles event
177
00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:05,163
at the Lanford Cemetery.
178
00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:06,687
Yeah, it's called,
"You have to die,
179
00:07:06,730 --> 00:07:07,949
but you don't have to
die alone."
180
00:07:09,124 --> 00:07:11,822
Cute.
But not factually correct.
181
00:07:11,866 --> 00:07:14,346
I mean,
I think everybody dies alone.
182
00:07:14,390 --> 00:07:16,174
Oh, yeah,
but that's not clever.
183
00:07:17,219 --> 00:07:18,525
We're not taking no
for an answer.
184
00:07:18,568 --> 00:07:19,526
We'll pick you up at 8:00.
185
00:07:19,569 --> 00:07:20,701
Bye.Bye.
186
00:07:20,744 --> 00:07:21,571
Bye.
187
00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:24,531
Oh, man.
188
00:07:24,574 --> 00:07:26,358
I think I got to
go to this thing.
189
00:07:26,402 --> 00:07:27,795
No, you don't.
190
00:07:27,838 --> 00:07:29,361
You shouldn't have to go to
some creepy singles event
191
00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:31,102
just 'cause Connie's nosey.
192
00:07:31,146 --> 00:07:32,234
You know,
she wrote a paper
193
00:07:32,277 --> 00:07:33,888
about being estranged
from her father.
194
00:07:33,931 --> 00:07:35,759
Now I see his side of it.
195
00:07:35,803 --> 00:07:38,370
Yeah,
but she's got a big mouth.
196
00:07:38,414 --> 00:07:39,894
I mean,
I could get kicked out,
197
00:07:39,937 --> 00:07:42,331
and more importantly,
you could lose your job.
198
00:07:42,374 --> 00:07:43,637
[ Sighs ]
199
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:46,378
Guess I'm gonna have to
make an appearance.
200
00:07:47,118 --> 00:07:48,511
Well, we got busted,
201
00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,992
but we still have
Rusty's one-star meal
202
00:07:51,035 --> 00:07:52,384
to look forward to.
203
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:54,996
Somebody on Yelp
said he should be wearing
204
00:07:55,039 --> 00:07:56,519
a hairnet on his chest.
205
00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:58,086
Ew!
206
00:07:58,129 --> 00:08:02,743
♪♪
207
00:08:02,786 --> 00:08:04,179
Where'd you get that?
208
00:08:06,573 --> 00:08:08,575
Store.
209
00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:09,924
You took that
from the trash.
210
00:08:09,967 --> 00:08:11,752
You're eating trash candy.
211
00:08:11,795 --> 00:08:13,536
Waste not, want not.
212
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:14,668
That's in the Bible.
213
00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:16,104
I'm doing God's work.
214
00:08:16,147 --> 00:08:17,932
Leave me alone!
215
00:08:17,975 --> 00:08:19,411
Alright, fine.
216
00:08:19,455 --> 00:08:20,543
Toss one over.
217
00:08:20,587 --> 00:08:22,240
I got to fill out
a loan application
218
00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:24,112
for a house
I'm never gonna get.
219
00:08:24,155 --> 00:08:27,158
Ah, your first loan application
for a house you'll never get.
220
00:08:27,202 --> 00:08:29,204
I remember that.
221
00:08:29,247 --> 00:08:32,555
There's that line that says,
"All information provided
222
00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:35,732
is true upon penalty of
perjury."
223
00:08:35,776 --> 00:08:36,907
Somehow
the threat of prison
224
00:08:36,951 --> 00:08:39,475
made the lying
a little more exciting.
225
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,346
My problem isn't lying.
226
00:08:41,390 --> 00:08:43,261
I actually have
good enough credit.
227
00:08:43,305 --> 00:08:45,220
The deck is just
stacked against me.
228
00:08:45,263 --> 00:08:46,047
Hey.Hey.
229
00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:47,004
Dan, you ready to go?
230
00:08:47,048 --> 00:08:49,180
Yep.
We're going to Denny's.
231
00:08:49,224 --> 00:08:51,835
It's a business meal,
so I can write it off.
232
00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:54,969
Some people launder their money
in Switzerland.
233
00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:56,797
I have this.
234
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,450
What are you filling out?
235
00:08:58,494 --> 00:09:00,061
Uh, it's a home loan
application.
236
00:09:00,104 --> 00:09:02,672
I found a house
that is perfect for me.
237
00:09:02,716 --> 00:09:04,152
Well, holy crap.
238
00:09:04,195 --> 00:09:05,588
I knew you were
looking for a place,
239
00:09:05,632 --> 00:09:07,808
but you're actually
buying a house?Trying.
240
00:09:07,851 --> 00:09:10,071
Turns out I can get a loan
with only 3% down
241
00:09:10,114 --> 00:09:12,639
because the area is
what they call "up-and-coming."
242
00:09:12,682 --> 00:09:14,423
Apparently,
the lead in the water
243
00:09:14,466 --> 00:09:16,817
is in the acceptable range.
244
00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:18,775
Alright, now,
do you know all the things
245
00:09:18,819 --> 00:09:21,169
to check for
before you make an offer?
246
00:09:21,212 --> 00:09:23,650
Radon, mold,
cracked foundation.
247
00:09:23,693 --> 00:09:25,173
I mean, those things
will cost you a fortune
248
00:09:25,216 --> 00:09:26,261
if you have to fix them.
249
00:09:26,304 --> 00:09:27,828
Oh, I don't know
about all that,
250
00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:29,786
but it has
one of them boxes
251
00:09:29,830 --> 00:09:32,267
that warshes your dishes
for ya.
252
00:09:32,310 --> 00:09:33,660
All I am saying is that
253
00:09:33,703 --> 00:09:35,618
when people get excited
about something,
254
00:09:35,662 --> 00:09:38,229
they tend to look at it
with rose-colored glasses
255
00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:40,275
and end up with something
that they don't want.
256
00:09:40,318 --> 00:09:42,059
You know,
like when I first saw you.
257
00:09:43,104 --> 00:09:44,975
No, that's not
what you're saying.
258
00:09:45,019 --> 00:09:47,630
You're saying you think
I don't know what I'm doing.
259
00:09:47,674 --> 00:09:49,676
Y-You're saying you think
I need a man.
260
00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:51,634
Don't.
Don't say it.
261
00:09:51,678 --> 00:09:54,071
Put the pin back in
that grenade, soldier.
262
00:09:54,115 --> 00:09:55,899
No one needs to die
needlessly here.
263
00:09:55,943 --> 00:09:58,336
All I was gonna say is
I am sorry,
264
00:09:58,380 --> 00:09:59,642
you do not need a man
265
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:01,339
and I really hope
you get the house.
266
00:10:02,732 --> 00:10:05,082
Hang on a second.
267
00:10:05,126 --> 00:10:06,867
[ Sighs ]
I might need a man.
268
00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:10,000
I feel sorry for whoever
that poor bastard is.
269
00:10:10,044 --> 00:10:11,132
Have a great day.
270
00:10:11,175 --> 00:10:12,829
No, stop.
271
00:10:12,873 --> 00:10:15,702
The Realtor says that I have to
be part of a couple
272
00:10:15,745 --> 00:10:17,660
to have a real shot
with this seller.
273
00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:20,837
Apparently, any big,
dumb sack of male DNA
274
00:10:20,881 --> 00:10:22,883
will make me more attractive
as a buyer.
275
00:10:22,926 --> 00:10:25,668
If you're asking me to
pretend that we're a couple,
276
00:10:25,712 --> 00:10:27,539
then I need to be wooed.
277
00:10:28,932 --> 00:10:30,760
Tell me I'm pretty.
278
00:10:31,892 --> 00:10:33,894
[ Sighs ] Okay.
279
00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:37,288
You're a big,
dumb sack of pretty.
280
00:10:37,332 --> 00:10:38,550
Now will you go?
281
00:10:38,594 --> 00:10:40,727
Now that I feel good
about myself, yes.
282
00:10:41,553 --> 00:10:43,512
Alright, I got to take
a new selfie of us.
283
00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:46,210
I'm gonna send it to the Realtor
and set up an appointment.
284
00:10:49,344 --> 00:10:50,867
I look like
I'm being attacked by a bear,
285
00:10:50,911 --> 00:10:52,739
but I guess it'll do.
286
00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:59,702
Hi, hon. I know you're probably
grading papers right now,
287
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:02,923
and I guarantee
it is more fun than this.
288
00:11:02,966 --> 00:11:04,838
There's a guy with a parrot,
289
00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:08,276
and it's been eyeing me
all night.
290
00:11:08,319 --> 00:11:10,408
I think I'm gonna have someone
walk me to my car.
291
00:11:10,452 --> 00:11:12,323
I don't trust this parrot.
292
00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:16,066
Hey.
293
00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:17,328
Hey.
294
00:11:17,372 --> 00:11:19,069
What are you doing here?
You're not single.
295
00:11:19,113 --> 00:11:22,420
Shh! Neville and I are gonna
pretend that we're single.
296
00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:24,379
He's gonna meet me here
in a little bit.
297
00:11:24,422 --> 00:11:27,164
I always wanted to get blasted
and have fun in a cemetery.
298
00:11:27,208 --> 00:11:29,776
I'm rehearsing for
when I throw my mom in a hole.
299
00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:32,169
Sounds like fun.
300
00:11:32,213 --> 00:11:34,302
I'm assuming Grandma
will be dead.
301
00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:35,912
Really doesn't matter
to me.
302
00:11:37,914 --> 00:11:39,437
What are you doing here?
Mm?
303
00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:41,613
Things not working out
with Professor Glen?
304
00:11:41,657 --> 00:11:43,572
No. Shh!
305
00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:44,834
One of my classmates --
306
00:11:44,878 --> 00:11:46,227
gray beanie over there
by the crypt,
307
00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:48,011
don't look --
308
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:49,665
saw me out with him,
309
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,754
so I have to
pretend to be single
310
00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:53,408
to throw her
off the trail.
311
00:11:53,451 --> 00:11:55,018
Which in Lanford means
312
00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:58,021
sipping an O'Doul's
on top of somebody's nana.
313
00:11:58,065 --> 00:12:01,764
Some of these old tombstones
are beautiful,
314
00:12:01,808 --> 00:12:05,986
you know, with the -- the carved
statues and everything.
315
00:12:06,029 --> 00:12:07,335
"Loving husband and father,
316
00:12:07,378 --> 00:12:09,641
may you finally
rest peacefully
317
00:12:09,685 --> 00:12:12,122
under the gaze of angels."
318
00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:13,254
That's so touching.
319
00:12:13,297 --> 00:12:14,603
Hey, take a picture
of me, huh?
320
00:12:14,646 --> 00:12:15,691
Okay.
321
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,783
Oh, my God.
322
00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:24,221
Here.
323
00:12:24,265 --> 00:12:26,223
Put that on.
Good idea.
324
00:12:26,267 --> 00:12:27,224
Okay.
325
00:12:27,268 --> 00:12:28,835
Stick it.
Okay, okay.
326
00:12:28,878 --> 00:12:30,880
There you go.
327
00:12:36,059 --> 00:12:37,582
Okay, here.
Hold this.
328
00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:38,888
Hold it.
Okay, stick it on.
329
00:12:38,932 --> 00:12:40,803
Okay.
330
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:42,283
Got it?Oh, good, good. Got it.
331
00:12:42,326 --> 00:12:43,937
Okay? Go.
332
00:12:46,678 --> 00:12:49,029
You know what?
You know what?
333
00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:50,291
I-I'm going this way.
334
00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:51,596
What?
335
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:54,643
Hey, Becky,
isn't this great?
336
00:12:54,686 --> 00:12:56,166
Oh, it is.
337
00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:58,647
Listen, I couldn't say this
in front of the professor,
338
00:12:58,690 --> 00:13:02,042
but I asked you to come
because I was worried
339
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:03,870
that you guys
might be involved.
340
00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:05,610
Even though
you're closer in age,
341
00:13:05,654 --> 00:13:08,265
there's still a huge
imbalance in power.
342
00:13:08,309 --> 00:13:10,833
What? No.
343
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:14,010
Why would I take a crazy risk
and date my professor
344
00:13:14,054 --> 00:13:16,839
when there are so many
available guys here?
345
00:13:16,883 --> 00:13:19,886
That guy's parrot told me
I was a thirst trap.
346
00:13:19,929 --> 00:13:22,062
Oh, well,
that parrot's hammered.
347
00:13:22,105 --> 00:13:23,846
He tells everybody that.
348
00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:27,458
Okay, there's somebody
I want to introduce you to.
349
00:13:27,502 --> 00:13:28,720
We can meet after
for drinks.
350
00:13:28,764 --> 00:13:29,721
You'll love him.
351
00:13:29,765 --> 00:13:31,245
That's really sweet,
352
00:13:31,288 --> 00:13:33,290
but I like to pick out
my own guys.
353
00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:37,033
Look, if you're covering for
Professor Davis,
354
00:13:37,077 --> 00:13:38,643
it's not worth it.
355
00:13:38,687 --> 00:13:40,297
Someone's gonna figure it out
and go straight to the dean.
356
00:13:40,341 --> 00:13:41,864
Oh, my God.
357
00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:44,649
Why are you so obsessed with
Professor Davis?
358
00:13:44,693 --> 00:13:47,652
Maybe you're the one going out
with him and you're worried
359
00:13:47,696 --> 00:13:49,916
someone's gonna steal your
old man professor from you,
360
00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:51,874
you old man
professor lover.
361
00:13:53,571 --> 00:13:56,661
Okay, based on your reaction,
neither of us are dating him.
362
00:13:56,705 --> 00:13:59,969
So, uh, I guess
I'm meeting this guy.
363
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:04,452
You're right.
This place is great.
364
00:14:04,495 --> 00:14:06,062
I know.
365
00:14:06,106 --> 00:14:09,457
Okay, we need a story about
how we met and everything.
366
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:12,112
Well, how about this --
I owned a magazine,
367
00:14:12,155 --> 00:14:14,505
I hired you,
we lost the magazine,
368
00:14:14,549 --> 00:14:16,464
we ended up living in
your childhood bedroom,
369
00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:18,161
but now...
370
00:14:18,205 --> 00:14:19,946
we're doing this.
371
00:14:19,989 --> 00:14:22,078
The truth?
That's depressing.
372
00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:23,950
We're trying to get her
to sell us a house,
373
00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:25,908
not hang ourself
in the two-car garage
374
00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:28,171
with all the built-in
cabinets.
375
00:14:28,215 --> 00:14:30,130
Fine. You come up with
a better version.
376
00:14:30,173 --> 00:14:31,566
Okay.
377
00:14:31,609 --> 00:14:36,527
I am a rising exec
in the plastics industry,
378
00:14:36,571 --> 00:14:39,095
you own a chain of
hardware stores,
379
00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:42,011
and we've built a great life
together.
380
00:14:42,055 --> 00:14:43,926
Ah, that version of us
is awesome.
381
00:14:44,971 --> 00:14:47,843
I love that us.
382
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:50,063
But this is
kind of weird.
383
00:14:50,106 --> 00:14:53,544
You know, this could've been
our place.
384
00:14:53,588 --> 00:14:55,764
Right.
385
00:14:55,807 --> 00:14:57,984
You and I
in our golden years,
386
00:14:58,027 --> 00:15:00,812
sitting on that patio swing,
uh, sipping a drink.
387
00:15:00,856 --> 00:15:02,162
Mm.
388
00:15:02,205 --> 00:15:04,555
Listening to Harris' kids
from different dads
389
00:15:04,599 --> 00:15:06,035
fighting
in the living room.
390
00:15:07,036 --> 00:15:08,603
Wondering if she's ever
coming back to get 'em.
391
00:15:08,646 --> 00:15:09,734
[ Sighs ]
392
00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:11,040
Hey.
393
00:15:11,084 --> 00:15:13,173
There's your handsome
Bigfoot.
394
00:15:13,216 --> 00:15:14,174
[ Ben chuckles ]
395
00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:16,567
Oh, uh,
this is my partner, Ben.
396
00:15:16,611 --> 00:15:18,178
Ben, this is Claire.
397
00:15:18,221 --> 00:15:20,006
We're a couple,
and I love her.
398
00:15:21,268 --> 00:15:23,531
And I love this house.
399
00:15:23,574 --> 00:15:25,881
Did you get my offer?
I went to the max with it.
400
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:29,972
I did, and the seller thinks
you're a lovely couple.
401
00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:32,018
There's been
one slight change, though.
402
00:15:32,061 --> 00:15:34,150
There's another lovely couple,
and they're offering
403
00:15:34,194 --> 00:15:36,805
$20,000
over the asking price.
404
00:15:36,848 --> 00:15:39,068
[ Sighs ]
You got to be kidding me.
405
00:15:39,112 --> 00:15:41,201
Here's the thing.
If you could find a way
406
00:15:41,244 --> 00:15:43,333
to beat their offer,
even by a little,
407
00:15:43,377 --> 00:15:45,335
this place
could still be yours.
408
00:15:45,379 --> 00:15:47,598
Well, what do we know
about this other couple?
409
00:15:47,642 --> 00:15:49,818
I mean, maybe they're just
pretending to be a couple.
410
00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:51,428
I've heard of that
happening.
411
00:15:51,472 --> 00:15:53,213
They've been married
20 years.
412
00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:55,215
They rode over
on a tandem bike.
413
00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:57,826
[ Chuckles ]
How cute are they?
414
00:15:57,869 --> 00:15:59,349
Well, if they can't afford
two bikes,
415
00:15:59,393 --> 00:16:00,611
they can't afford a house.
416
00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:03,266
Might want to
look into that.
417
00:16:06,356 --> 00:16:08,271
Becky should be right up.
418
00:16:08,315 --> 00:16:12,449
So, I understand
you teach psychology.
419
00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:14,712
Did you have you a real job
before that?
420
00:16:15,887 --> 00:16:18,151
No, my greatest skill
was my thirst for knowledge.
421
00:16:18,194 --> 00:16:19,282
I hear ya.
422
00:16:19,326 --> 00:16:21,328
I feel the same way
about beer.
423
00:16:22,938 --> 00:16:24,374
Ready to go.
424
00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:26,159
We tried going to
a real restaurant,
425
00:16:26,202 --> 00:16:28,074
but we got busted
immediately.
426
00:16:28,117 --> 00:16:30,293
Yeah, a limited amount
of places we can go
427
00:16:30,337 --> 00:16:32,861
without being recognized,
but if it's worth it to Becky,
428
00:16:32,904 --> 00:16:34,210
it's worth it to me.
429
00:16:34,254 --> 00:16:35,864
Yeah, I saw on the news
where they gave a guy
430
00:16:35,907 --> 00:16:37,344
a whole new face.
431
00:16:37,387 --> 00:16:40,042
I like Becky's, but you can't be
all that attached to,
432
00:16:40,086 --> 00:16:41,957
you know, that.
433
00:16:45,308 --> 00:16:47,397
Uh, could we talk
for a sec?
434
00:16:47,441 --> 00:16:49,138
Sure.
435
00:16:49,182 --> 00:16:50,183
We have to lie to
everybody else.
436
00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:51,836
I don't want to
lie to you.
437
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,621
Um...
438
00:16:53,664 --> 00:16:57,059
Connie was like Harriet the Spy
at that cemetery thing.
439
00:16:57,103 --> 00:17:01,194
And to shake her off,
440
00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:04,980
I ended up going on a date
with her friend.
441
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,242
Oh.
442
00:17:06,286 --> 00:17:07,722
Sorry.
443
00:17:07,765 --> 00:17:09,289
I couldn't get out of it.
444
00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:11,160
No big deal.
445
00:17:11,204 --> 00:17:12,335
Really?
446
00:17:12,379 --> 00:17:13,902
I'm fine.
447
00:17:13,945 --> 00:17:15,991
Hey, let's get food that's easy
to eat in the car this time.
448
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,253
Once you get
that pad Thai noodle
449
00:17:17,297 --> 00:17:18,472
between the seat
and the console,
450
00:17:18,515 --> 00:17:20,865
there's no
getting it out.
451
00:17:20,909 --> 00:17:22,867
So you're not jealous
at all?
452
00:17:22,911 --> 00:17:25,174
This doesn't have to
be a big deal,
453
00:17:25,218 --> 00:17:27,568
but it should be
at least a deal.
454
00:17:27,611 --> 00:17:29,265
No. All good.
455
00:17:29,309 --> 00:17:31,180
Uh,
what about turkey legs?
456
00:17:31,224 --> 00:17:33,791
We could, uh, drive around
with them in the cup holders.
457
00:17:33,835 --> 00:17:35,358
Stop talking about food.
458
00:17:35,402 --> 00:17:38,231
Don't you care about
this relationship at all?
459
00:17:38,274 --> 00:17:41,277
I need to know if I'm the only
one invested in this thing.
460
00:17:41,321 --> 00:17:43,105
Of course
I'm invested in this.
461
00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:45,499
Well, then, punch a wall
462
00:17:45,542 --> 00:17:47,109
or throw a beer
through the TV.
463
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:48,241
Show me you care.
464
00:17:48,284 --> 00:17:49,590
I can't.
465
00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:51,113
What do you mean
you can't?
466
00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:53,942
Because I'm not gonna come down
on you for going on a date
467
00:17:53,985 --> 00:17:55,770
trying to protect
our relationship.
468
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,164
Yeah, I hate it.
469
00:17:58,207 --> 00:18:00,688
I'm already worried that
470
00:18:00,731 --> 00:18:01,993
this is all
too much for you
471
00:18:02,037 --> 00:18:03,604
and that you're gonna decide
it's not worth it
472
00:18:03,647 --> 00:18:05,606
and -- and leave.
473
00:18:05,649 --> 00:18:07,564
What?
474
00:18:07,608 --> 00:18:09,740
Of course it's worth it.
475
00:18:10,654 --> 00:18:13,701
Yeah, this is an impossible way
to have a relationship,
476
00:18:13,744 --> 00:18:17,574
but you have to trust that I'm
here because I want to be here.
477
00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:19,141
Alright, then,
478
00:18:19,185 --> 00:18:20,534
I am putting my foot down.
479
00:18:20,577 --> 00:18:22,797
No more dating other men.
480
00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:29,804
Well, Mr. Professor...
481
00:18:32,372 --> 00:18:35,984
I don't know how you treat beer
in the halls of academia,
482
00:18:36,027 --> 00:18:37,986
but in this house,
483
00:18:38,029 --> 00:18:40,815
we treat our aluminum angels
with respect.
484
00:18:43,426 --> 00:18:45,863
He'll like you better
when you get your new face.
485
00:18:47,822 --> 00:18:51,391
♪♪
486
00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:52,348
Oh, hey.
487
00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:53,741
How's the new house
looking?
488
00:18:53,784 --> 00:18:55,569
I want to rent your room
to a bunch of Shriners
489
00:18:55,612 --> 00:18:57,440
for the St. Patrick's Day
parade.
490
00:18:57,484 --> 00:18:59,399
They're gonna let me
drive the little car.
491
00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:03,881
I tried crunching the numbers
every way I could think of,
492
00:19:03,925 --> 00:19:06,319
and there's --
there's no way I can swing it.
493
00:19:06,362 --> 00:19:07,581
I'm sorry, honey.
494
00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:10,018
I sure wish I could help.
495
00:19:10,061 --> 00:19:12,194
Denny's got all my money.
496
00:19:13,064 --> 00:19:16,067
I'm just never gonna find
another place like that.
497
00:19:19,897 --> 00:19:21,899
Okay, now,
don't bite my head off
498
00:19:21,943 --> 00:19:23,771
because I heard what you said
the other night.
499
00:19:23,814 --> 00:19:26,295
But I was thinking...
500
00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:28,819
what if I co-sign?
501
00:19:28,863 --> 00:19:30,995
'Cause if I jump in,
502
00:19:31,039 --> 00:19:32,823
we can get a bigger number
on that loan.
503
00:19:32,867 --> 00:19:34,434
You're kidding me.
504
00:19:37,045 --> 00:19:40,657
That is
incredibly generous.
505
00:19:40,701 --> 00:19:43,617
And incredibly complicated.
506
00:19:43,660 --> 00:19:45,314
Mm.
507
00:19:45,358 --> 00:19:48,099
I, uh -- I really support you
making this move,
508
00:19:48,143 --> 00:19:50,232
and you found a place
that you love.
509
00:19:50,276 --> 00:19:51,581
So before you break its heart
510
00:19:51,625 --> 00:19:53,235
by seeing another house
behind its back,
511
00:19:53,279 --> 00:19:55,019
let me help.
512
00:19:55,063 --> 00:19:57,239
Are you ever
gonna let that go?
513
00:19:57,283 --> 00:19:58,893
Why would I?
It's our thing.
514
00:20:01,504 --> 00:20:06,161
Man, this could be my only shot
at getting this house.
515
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:07,945
Well, then, come on.
Let's go get it.
516
00:20:07,989 --> 00:20:10,209
I'm ready.
Let's get you the house.
517
00:20:12,994 --> 00:20:15,518
Can't believe I'm gonna
say this,
518
00:20:15,562 --> 00:20:16,867
but no.
519
00:20:17,999 --> 00:20:21,307
Getting this house
is about me moving on
520
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:23,700
and standing
on my own two feet.
521
00:20:23,744 --> 00:20:27,051
That means not depending on
my dad for a place to live,
522
00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:28,705
and then if I let you
co-sign,
523
00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:31,969
I'm just depending on you
for a place to live.
524
00:20:32,013 --> 00:20:33,623
I don't even know
what happened to me.
525
00:20:33,667 --> 00:20:36,452
I was always
such an independent person,
526
00:20:36,496 --> 00:20:39,281
and I guess I kind of
lost my way.
527
00:20:39,325 --> 00:20:43,503
But I want to walk through
every room of a house
528
00:20:43,546 --> 00:20:46,375
and know that I got there
on my own.
529
00:20:46,419 --> 00:20:49,770
Wow. Yeah,
I remember this Darlene.
530
00:20:49,813 --> 00:20:51,511
Well, she's back,
531
00:20:51,554 --> 00:20:54,427
and she's probably gonna die
in her childhood bed.
532
00:20:58,953 --> 00:21:02,739
Oh, cute little place.
Shame it didn't work out.
533
00:21:02,783 --> 00:21:03,914
Well, thanks for
coming with me.
534
00:21:03,958 --> 00:21:05,525
I just wanted to come
one last time
535
00:21:05,568 --> 00:21:06,482
for a sense of closure.
536
00:21:06,526 --> 00:21:07,527
Yeah, I hear that.
537
00:21:07,570 --> 00:21:09,485
[ Switchblade clicks ]
538
00:21:09,529 --> 00:21:10,399
There you go.
539
00:21:12,923 --> 00:21:14,577
How cute are they?
540
00:21:16,405 --> 00:21:18,320
[ Air hissing ]
541
00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:22,324
Oh, that does feel better.
542
00:21:22,368 --> 00:21:24,413
I guess there's always
unforeseen expenses
543
00:21:24,457 --> 00:21:25,719
when you buy a new house,
right?
36914
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