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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:02,480 The Witchfinder General will need a new right-hand man! 2 00:00:02,520 --> 00:00:04,080 Borrow a couple of horses, off we go, 3 00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:06,240 we should be in Chelmsford marginally after dark. 4 00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:08,600 Argh! Rely on oneself, pull up the drawbridge. 5 00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:09,720 What was their name? 6 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:11,920 Something like Dorothy. So, Dorothy, yeah? 7 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:14,120 If you want to, you could help me find my master. 8 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:15,240 We'd be happy to. 9 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:17,280 Some people warned me not to come through here. 10 00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:20,000 I have children! Please! They're maniacs. All of them. 11 00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:21,240 I'm no good to you dead, am I? 12 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:23,600 You stay here, you'll be cinders in an hour. 13 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:25,880 Going somewhere, Mr Bannister? Do you know this woman? 14 00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:27,400 This is... His wife. Ha... 15 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:39,320 Oh, congratulations! 16 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:40,840 Thank you, pal. Thank you. 17 00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:42,800 Well, let's see it, then! 18 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:44,840 See? See what? The ring! 19 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:46,520 Oh, you mean the wedding ring? 20 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:49,040 Yes, just trying to think what we did with it. Um... 21 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,360 We don't actually have... Oh, here we go. There it is, look. 22 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:52,800 Yeah, it's a family heirloom. 23 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:54,840 His grandmother gave it to us after she died. 24 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:57,840 Well, not after she died. She couldn't! She was dead. 25 00:00:57,880 --> 00:00:59,920 But she did say that she was going to give it to us, 26 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,640 then she died. Sadly. 27 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:03,600 Then we got it off her just with a bit of soap. 28 00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:04,840 And some hot water, yeah. 29 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:07,440 It's beautiful. Sure is, yeah. 30 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:09,640 It looks a bit like yours, Catherine. 31 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:11,640 It does, but mine's a bit more... 32 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,080 Oh! 33 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:16,080 Oh, I must have left it in the... 34 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:18,480 You really should wear your wedding ring, Catherine. 35 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,960 Marriage is a sacrament. Yes, sorry. 36 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,160 We've got to get off. We had, we had. 37 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,320 In the middle of the feast?! Chelmsford awaits! 38 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:27,440 I thought you wanted to borrow a horse and cart? 39 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:30,240 Nah, you're all right, we'll walk. Come on. 40 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:32,120 Come on. Chelmsford? 41 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:37,200 You need to go right through Dedham Vale, not back that way. 42 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:40,960 But don't worry, there may be many villagers in the Vale, 43 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,920 but they're all God-fearing people like us. 44 00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:46,280 You can be sure of a warm welcome. 45 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:50,600 Thank you. Thank you. 46 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:52,760 Just...go through... 47 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:55,960 All right? 48 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,880 There's no need to be rude! 49 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:02,880 I'm just asking you which way he went. 50 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:05,720 Yeah, and I'm telling you... It's none of our beeswax. 51 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:08,760 Exactly. One beekeeper doesn't sell out another. 52 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,560 Master Gideon's not a beekeeper! 53 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:13,000 He can't stand the little... 54 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:15,760 Alice, could you fetch my coin purse from the cart? 55 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:17,800 I might purchase some honey. 56 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:24,680 These yellow and black ones, what are they called? 57 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:26,760 Bees. 58 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,080 You must be fond of them. I am fond of them, yeah. 59 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:31,080 And they of you? I like to think so, yeah. 60 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:32,640 They wouldn't hurt you at all? 61 00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,440 No. The bee's a very placid animal. 62 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:36,440 Much like Cumberlidge. Unless provoked. 63 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:38,640 Also like Cumberlidge. Which hand do you write with? 64 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,760 Which hand...? Do you write with? 65 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:42,800 I'm sorry? Don't be. Just answer the question. 66 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:44,520 Would you like me to repeat the question? 67 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:46,640 I can repeat the question. Which hand do you write with? 68 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:49,080 Which hand do you favour? What's your dexterous hand? 69 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:50,360 Are you right or left-handed? 70 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,720 Well, I'm right-handed, but... 71 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,000 Oh, no! Please, no, no! No, please! 72 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:01,760 Walk and smile, smile and walk. 73 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:05,360 We're just two normal newlyweds walking along normally. 74 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:06,960 Well, start acting like it, then. 75 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,360 Just because you like the idea of our being married... 76 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:10,960 I don't like it. 77 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,640 Oh, I think we all know the kind of warped fantasies women 78 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:16,480 like you forge in the fleshy kiln of their loins. 79 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:17,760 Oh, God, there's one. 80 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,960 Maybe it's easier if we just say that I am a travelling merchant 81 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,280 and you're my bag carrier. 82 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,640 I'm not your bag carrier. I'll say you're my bag carrier. 83 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:26,240 Well, I'll say you're MY bag carrier. 84 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:27,640 Why would I be your bag carrier? 85 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:29,080 Why would I be YOUR bag carrier? 86 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:30,920 And what merchant? What are you selling? 87 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,680 I trade mainly in spices. Where are they? 88 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,520 Well, they're not on me. I have an emporium. 89 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:36,680 What are they? The spices? Salt. 90 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:38,600 Salt's not a spice. What is it, then, a drink? 91 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,320 Spices grow, salt does not grow. All right, privet, you grow privet. 92 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:42,960 Privet is not a spice. That's a hedge. 93 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,640 A hedge can be a spice. No, it can't. 94 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:47,760 Hedges can be spices. A hedge... Do you want to survive? Yes, I do. 95 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,520 Then we need to get our story together - and fast. 96 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:53,680 Now, what are we? Are we married, or are we merchants? 97 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:55,600 I don't see why we have to come up with a story. 98 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:56,760 They're not going to think 99 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,000 I'm a witch just cos I'm with a man and I'm not married. 100 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,880 These people are demented. 101 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:03,240 There are eight miles and God knows how many villages 102 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:04,560 until we're out of Dedham Vale. 103 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:07,240 We need to paint a picture for them, or they will paint their own. 104 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,360 And if they start to wonder, we don't know where... 105 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:10,800 Hello there! ..that will end. 106 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,600 Hello. Hello. Oh, God, they're coming. 107 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:14,840 We need to know enough about each other to suggest 108 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,120 that we are a couple rather than two strangers who've only just met. 109 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,440 Are you listening? I wasn't, but I am now. 110 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:21,880 My name is Gideon Bannister. 111 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:23,720 I was born in Framlingham to George and Mary. 112 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:26,080 I have no siblings, never wanted any. I was schooled at Milesford 113 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,400 then at Corpus Christi College, Cambridge. That's a lot of Cs. 114 00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,440 I enjoy birdsong, scripture and good tailoring. 115 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:32,800 I am kind. We wed at St Stephen's Chapel, Wickham Market. 116 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,160 We hope to have two children, both of them boys. Now you. 117 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:36,360 My name is Thomasine Gooch. 118 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,160 Bannister, Bannister... Thomasine Bannister. 119 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,240 My mum and dad are William and Eliza - not that way round - 120 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,520 I have a brother, but he died, and a fiance that ran off. 121 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,880 I used to have a dog, but he fell in a hole, so we just heard him 122 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,440 barking for days and we'd throw food down, but when we went back 123 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:49,920 one day, we couldn't hear any barking, so we think he either 124 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,080 died or he climbed out. 125 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:53,680 I think that he climbed out, but my mum said the dogs don't climb 126 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:55,960 because they have their knees on backwards like cows. 127 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,880 Why are you telling me this? Who needs to know this? 128 00:04:57,920 --> 00:04:59,040 Hello! Good day to you. 129 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:02,080 I'm sorry to shout you over, but I just had to say hello 130 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:03,680 to the newlyweds. 131 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,520 Oh-ho-ho, word travels fast! 132 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:08,320 All part of the Dedham Vale welcome. And on that note... 133 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:11,800 So, how was it, the big day? It was lovely. Lovely. Erm... 134 00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:13,960 His parents, George and Mary... George and Mary. 135 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,720 And her mother, Eliza, was looking... 136 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:17,320 ..down from heaven. ..quite radiant. 137 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:18,760 She's in heaven? 138 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:22,040 And so how was she looking radiant? 139 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:24,720 She was... I'll tell you what it was... 140 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,680 I'm thinking of the organist, who was looking radiant 141 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:31,920 and was maybe a woman in her mid-60s... Mm-hm. Uh-huh. 142 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,360 ..and she was there. 143 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:36,240 Her mother, meanwhile, was, yeah, not there 144 00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:41,480 for the perfectly reasonable excuse of her...death. 145 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:44,880 So you didn't know that your wife's mother was dead? 146 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,560 Give us a chance! We only just got married. Yesterday! 147 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:49,440 Then, it's time for celebration! 148 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,280 No, no. No, it's not. 149 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:58,200 For luck, ivy, that they may grow intertwined as it does. 150 00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,440 Well, that's lovely. Now... 151 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,480 And the spilt seed of a ram... 152 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,320 Pardon me, the spilt seed...? 153 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:07,280 Semen. Semen. ..that they may grow fertile. 154 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:08,680 Very kind of you. 155 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,480 And of the ram. And of the ram. 156 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:12,040 Oh, believe me, he likes it. 157 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:18,560 You have a way with people, don't you, Mr Hebble. 158 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,320 I can't thank you enough for your help. 159 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,520 You've made an old woman feel very special. 160 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:24,720 When you see her, tell her she's welcome. 161 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,040 I'm the old woman! 162 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,960 Oh, I see what you did there. You are most kind. 163 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,280 I've often prayed for a sign or for a helping hand from the Lord 164 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:37,280 and that's why he sent you, an angel from above. 165 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,480 Because he does do that, does the Lord. 166 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:43,320 Look at how he sent a great flood so Noah could show off his new boat. 167 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:46,440 Look at how when Moses was stranded by the Red Sea, 168 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:50,080 the Lord made a pass so he could walk right through it. 169 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:52,880 And if a path isn't a sign, I don't know what is. 170 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:55,920 Nor do I, Alice. 171 00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:58,400 Nor do I. 172 00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:04,480 Nooses. You make these yourself, do you? 173 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,240 She's making it in front of you. 174 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:09,560 Always good to have a hobby. 175 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:12,080 We need to get out of here. Why don't you just...? 176 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,520 Look at your two, couple of lovebirds! 177 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,200 Aha. Well, a couple of lovebirds who must fly, I'm afraid. 178 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:19,640 Not often you see a married couple show so much affection. 179 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:22,160 How do you mean? Well, there's barely a cross word between you. 180 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:24,400 It's almost hard to believe. Hard to believe? Why? 181 00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:26,240 Not like many married couples I know. 182 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:30,640 Oh, believe me, we sometimes make our feelings clear, don't we? 183 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:32,160 So, for example, I will say, 184 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,200 "Why do you always speak with your mouth full?" 185 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,400 And I might say, "Why do you have to look down on people? 186 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:37,640 "Why can't you just be kind?" 187 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:40,280 I might say, "Kindness has to be earned. You can be quite ill mannered." 188 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:43,560 I might say, "You might have manners, but it's what's behind the manners." 189 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:45,360 I might say, "Oh, eh, I must hear this. 190 00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:46,760 "What's behind my manners?" 191 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,440 "You're mean, you're inconsiderate, you're dishonest, you're vain." 192 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:51,800 And I say, "Have you quite finished?" "You don't listen. 193 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:53,680 "You tut, you snore, you roll your eyes..." 194 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,680 I'll say, "Now have you finished?" "You've no honour, 195 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:57,960 "even though it seems to be the only thing that you care about. 196 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,320 "You're short-tempered, you're a hypocrite and you're not nice." 197 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:05,640 Now have you finished? 198 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:09,320 Yeah, I've finished now. Yeah. 199 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:21,160 What do you think, Alice? Could this be your master's? 200 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,880 Well, Master Gideon says it doesn't do for Puritans 201 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,960 to indulge in the pleasures of the ear. 202 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:27,800 But we all like music, don't we? 203 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:31,520 I...might sing occasionally. 204 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:35,640 You sing beautifully, like a tropical songbird, a parrot, say, 205 00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,200 and Cumberlidge knows I love a song as well. 206 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:41,600 Do you? A jaunty jig song, a moving ballad - I love a song. 207 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:45,800 So if there's no harm in your master enjoying music, 208 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:48,040 could this be his whistle? 209 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:49,760 I think it is. 210 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:52,440 Then he came through here. We'll catch him in no time. 211 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,440 Catch? Catch, catch up. 212 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,200 Ah. 213 00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:57,600 Is it as blessed as they say? 214 00:08:57,640 --> 00:08:59,480 The wedding? The night of the wedding. 215 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:01,520 Oh, the night of the wedding, we travelled here. 216 00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:03,920 Then how did you consummate? 217 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:08,200 We haven't had a chance to do that yet, but it's on our list. 218 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:16,600 Sorry, I thought...people said you were married. 219 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,360 We are married. We just haven't had a... 220 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:22,680 The sacrament isn't complete. You are his wife? 221 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,920 Mr Bannister? 222 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:31,640 Yes, he came through, ooh, what? A few hours ago now? 223 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:33,400 Excellent. I am pleased. 224 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:36,520 Him and his wife. His wife?! He's not got a wife! 225 00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:38,880 Oh, yes. He has now. 226 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:40,400 Just married, apparently. 227 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,040 Master Gideon? It was his wife, wasn't it? 228 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,280 Oh, yes, yes. They had a ring and everything. 229 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:46,400 Happy day! 230 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,800 Would you mind pointing us in the direction they headed? 231 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:50,680 We'd love to coat them with our best wishes. 232 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,080 Certainly. This way. 233 00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:55,160 I think you left a witch on that. 234 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,800 I don't think it's true, them being wed. 235 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:03,760 Well, true, not true, whichever... 236 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,320 I mean, it's probably just a ruse, 237 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,400 you know, to stop these lot from snatching her. 238 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,880 It's no concern of mine if he was married, he's just my employer. 239 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:11,440 Yeah, I know, it's just... 240 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:14,360 ..some help have a special bond with their master. 241 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,160 I don't have a special bond with my master. 242 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,800 YOU might have a special bond with... 243 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,880 I don't have a special bond with my master, no. 244 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,320 I mean, you see some help, they're 245 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,800 all over their masters like spilt soup. Like nappy rash. 246 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:26,240 Pathetic, desperate. 247 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:29,200 I mean, I don't even know my master's birthday. I don't. 248 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:31,240 I don't. June-uary?! 249 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:33,240 Yeah. Or how he likes his bath. 250 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:36,480 When my master had ticks, I laughed. I would. 251 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,320 I'd laugh. I mean, I'm laughing right now. 252 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:41,000 I removed them all, but I was laughing. 253 00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:46,920 Why did you tell them that? 254 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,520 Well, I didn't know they had the room ready, did I? 255 00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:51,160 This is unbelievable. 256 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,360 I was supposed to be in Chelmsford a day ago. 257 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:54,720 Calm down! 258 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:56,760 Dining with Matthew Hopkins himself! 259 00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,480 I'd have said something like, "I don't know about finding witches. 260 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,560 "You've certainly found yourself a good chef here." 261 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,680 And he would've laughed and said, "Yeah, good one." 262 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:06,320 You're making such a fuss about nothing. 263 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:09,400 They think we are having congress in here. 264 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:12,600 We're bloody stuck, madam, in these four thin walls 265 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,440 with half the village listening in. 266 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:17,160 Why don't you just say, "We've changed our mind, actually"? 267 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:18,600 Do you want to take that chance? 268 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:22,240 There are trees out there with bodies dangling from them. 269 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,040 We ought to begin. 270 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,040 What's that?! 271 00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:45,680 Kissing. 272 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:01,680 Have you ever been with a woman? 273 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,720 Have I ever been with a woman? she asks. 274 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:09,560 Have you ever been...? I am a Puritan and I am unmarried. 275 00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:11,760 No, I haven't ever been with a bloody woman. 276 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,880 And you need to be making appreciative noises 277 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:19,480 in between the grunts. 278 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:25,880 What is that? You sound like a violin! 279 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:28,120 You sound like someone trying to shit a violin! 280 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,000 Ha, maybe we should do that in every village. 281 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:49,760 Take a room and grunt at each other? 282 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,440 Express our fondness publicly. 283 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,600 Then I thought you could tickle me. Yes. 284 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,520 And then you can nuzzle into me and I'll make a cute noise. 285 00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:58,560 Cute noise? Nyang-nyang-nyang... 286 00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:01,240 We're flying here. I feel like Icarus. 287 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,440 Anyone would think you're enjoying yourself. 288 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:07,520 I am very, very fond of this lady. 289 00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:09,480 Follow the river, get past these trees, 290 00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:12,680 get through the last few villages and we're out of Dedham Vale. 291 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:15,120 The important thing is not to get cocky. 292 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,200 So we tend to do the hanging in the morning 293 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:19,360 and then in the afternoon we have a market, 294 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,400 you know, make a day of it for the family. 295 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:22,720 Ooh, sounds lovely. 296 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,800 So you two married, then? 297 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:26,920 Married? No. 298 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:30,040 Thomasina is a witch, and we're hoping no-one notices. 299 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,760 I say that to my missus all the time. 300 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:38,480 Just that I wouldn't have put you two together, that's all. Hmm. 301 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:40,400 I wouldn't have put you together with that hat, 302 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:42,040 but, you know, you have. 303 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,880 So when did you get together? Feels like only yesterday. 304 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:47,240 We've had our trials and tribulations, 305 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:50,560 let's put it that way. Mainly trials, though, to be honest. 306 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,520 But when a whole town wants you to stand beside a woman 307 00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:56,120 and tie the knot, what can you do? 308 00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:58,480 Almost took my breath away. 309 00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:01,960 Well, knots will do that, but I didn't leave her hanging. 310 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,080 And so here we are. Sorry? Oh, don't be, John. Don't be. 311 00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:07,800 Oh, I love you, Gideon Bannister. 312 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:10,120 Do you know what, Thomasine Bannister? Mmm? 313 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,480 When I'm not with you, I think of your face 314 00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,160 and it makes my heart swell. 315 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:16,800 Gideon? 316 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,800 Dorothy! What are you doing here? 317 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,920 Me? I'm... I'm heading to Chelmsford. 318 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:25,240 Why are you here? What the hell are you even doing here? 319 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,480 I live here, with my husband, Rex. 320 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:29,160 That's so, so great. 321 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:33,440 Are you going to introduce us? 322 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,120 Yes. Yes, I am. 323 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:38,280 Thomasine, this is Dorothy, my former betrothed. 324 00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:43,240 Dorothy, this is Thomasine, my... Wife. ..wife. 325 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:45,880 Oh, you found someone! 326 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:48,920 Chose someone. Yeah. Oh, you must stay for lunch. 327 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:50,960 I'll have the carriage come round. 328 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,800 Lovely! Actually, no, we can't do that. Nonsense. 329 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:56,560 Driver! We wouldn't want to impose. You wouldn't be imposing. 330 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:57,880 We would. So we won't. 331 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,840 But I want to find out a little bit more about Thomasine. 332 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:02,680 Where are you from? Who is your father? 333 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,000 I've said we can't go. 334 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,880 Miriam is preparing a saddle of lamb! 335 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,680 Ooh! It's not going to happen, Dorothy. 336 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,760 Perhaps another time, then. Maybe. Mmm. Mm-hmm. 337 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,640 Thomasine. Dorothy. 338 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:22,680 My goodness. 339 00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:24,760 Your apples are as rosy red as your cheeks. 340 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,880 I always think rosy cheeks are a sign of a keen mind. 341 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,240 Or mead for breakfast! 342 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:31,760 A mind keen enough to remember if you'd seen someone. 343 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,360 Now I'm looking for... 344 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:34,640 Alice? 345 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:40,640 # If your true love came passing by 346 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:43,080 # You'd fill him with drink if he was dry 347 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,760 # At the well below the valley-o 348 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:47,560 # Green grows the lily-o 349 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:51,200 # Right among the bushes-o 350 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:54,200 # That's the end of my song... # 351 00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:00,240 I don't know what that was. 352 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:01,400 I like songs. 353 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:06,200 And, you know, you said before you like songs, so I thought, 354 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:08,640 the master likes songs, I like songs, so... 355 00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:11,080 That was a lie to win Old Myers' confidence. 356 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:14,640 Yeah, I know. Mine was a lie, too. 357 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:17,480 So you don't like music? Hate music. 358 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:20,240 Right. So that performance... 359 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:23,680 Another lie. 360 00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:25,360 A longer lie. 361 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:27,480 Huh. 362 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:37,160 Master Gideon! 363 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,640 What are you doing here? 364 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:40,560 Helping you. Stay there, Gooch. 365 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,560 You're not helping me. You were helping by staying put. 366 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,040 Yes, but they've all got it in their heads 367 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,200 that it's you that killed Mr Stern. 368 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:49,800 So I thought, I have to come and warn you 369 00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:52,040 in case word reached the Witchfinder General 370 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:53,880 before you'd had a chance to explain. 371 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:56,720 And that was all your idea, was it? Well, I was talking to Mr Hebble... 372 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:58,960 Hebble? Oh, my God. You and Hebble. 373 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,280 Hebble and Myers! 374 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,320 Sounds like a firm of not very good undertakers. 375 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:04,080 Well, you didn't take long, did you? 376 00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:05,800 What did he offer you? 377 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:08,640 Higher wage? Plush new saddle? 378 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:12,240 Those thimbles you keep going on about? I am not working for him. 379 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:15,560 He has come with me because... Hebble is with you? 380 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:18,920 Yes! He wants to help you. He doesn't want to help me. 381 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,200 He wants to take my witch. 382 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,920 He wants to take my job with the Witchfinder General! 383 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,200 Bugger me. Bugger, bugger, bugger. 384 00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:27,240 Gooch! Come on, Gooch! 385 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:28,720 Hebble's here. 386 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,120 What's happening? 387 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:31,800 Goodness, Gideon! 388 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,600 Hebble knows what you're going through. 389 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,960 When he was young, his father was killed as a poacher! 390 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,320 He understands! No, no, no, no, no. Hebble's father 391 00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:39,840 is an actuary in Kidderminster. 392 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:42,320 I doubt he knows how to poach an egg. What's happening? 393 00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:44,280 His father is dead. His father isn't dead. 394 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:47,040 I've met his bloody father. You've met his father! What's going on? 395 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:50,360 You met him at the Carols, Myers! Wake up! What's happening? 396 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,000 He's spun you a yarn to earn your trust. 397 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,360 I think I've made a mistake. A mistake? What's going on? 398 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,800 No, a mistake is when you miss an L out of the word clock 399 00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,120 when you're writing to your mother. What's happening? 400 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:03,000 A mistake is when you try to milk a bull. This isn't a mistake, Myers. 401 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,080 This is a foul-up. What's going on? 402 00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,640 Does he know where I'm going? 403 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,680 I think I might have... You're unbelievable. 404 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,840 What's happening? I'll tell you what's going on, 405 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:12,800 and I'll tell you what's happening. Right? 406 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:14,960 Myers here is going to take Hebble somewhere else. 407 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:18,080 You and I are going to hide. Now. Now, now, Myers! Now. Come on. 408 00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:20,160 What are you doing? Hiding now. No... 409 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:21,760 What are you...? Stand up. 410 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,880 We need to find a large barrel, or a haystack. 411 00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:26,000 I'm not getting in a barrel. Then a haystack it is. 412 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:27,520 I'm not getting in a haystack. 413 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,720 Your ex offered for us to go to her house. 414 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:30,880 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 415 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,360 Believe me, we're not doing that. That's ruled out. 416 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:36,320 Did you say SADDLE of lamb? 417 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:45,000 I've always wanted a house with a corridor. 418 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:47,400 Love corridors. 419 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:51,600 Now, what I was saying about getting married to Thomasine. Yes? 420 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:55,320 Well, have you got to know the locals at all? 421 00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:57,040 Well, not as much as we'd like. 422 00:18:57,080 --> 00:19:01,640 They are a very god-fearing people, in quite a mad way. 423 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:06,320 I've heard they execute suspected witches without going to trial. 424 00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:09,880 Well, one can't be too careful when it comes to witches, can one? 425 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:12,720 So you knew about that, did you? Oh, absolutely. 426 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,000 It's one of the reasons we moved here. 427 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:17,320 Oh, I'm sorry. What were you saying about Thomasine? 428 00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:18,560 Oh, nothing, I don't think. 429 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,640 This is my husband, Rex. 430 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,000 As in... 431 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,280 ..Oedipus Rex? 432 00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:26,960 I'm a friend of your mother's. 433 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,640 Your wife's. Hello. You must be Gideon. 434 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:31,120 And I must be going. 435 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:34,320 Going? Going where? Word is there's a witch in the Vale, 436 00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:36,600 along with a corrupted witchfinder. 437 00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:40,400 Get lost! Mmm. I'm off to find some men to help hunt them down. 438 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,680 Care to join, Gideon? Does it have to be you? 439 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:45,120 We've got guests, for goodness' sake. Good point. 440 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:48,320 Oh, do stay, Rex. I shall find something for Thomasine to wear, 441 00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:51,040 and you can entertain Gideon. Entertain? What? 442 00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:56,360 You know how many windows we have here? 443 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,960 Oh, er, forty... 444 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,400 112. 445 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,360 112 windows. 446 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,960 Well, 1-1-2. 447 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,040 You like swords? 448 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:10,680 A classic cut-and-thrust two-edged sword by Kenneth's of Hounslow. 449 00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:12,720 Observe the half-basket hilt. 450 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:14,240 And the blade... 451 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,120 ..32 inches. 32. 452 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:19,160 32 inches. Two edges. 112 windows. 453 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:20,400 Some numbers. 454 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:22,760 A pair of French rapiers. 455 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:26,240 Lighter, for the weak-wristed swordsman. Hmm? Hmm. 456 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:29,560 Do you know why the foil came to prominence? No, sir. 457 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,560 Goes through chainmail. 458 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:35,600 Oh. And like that, rendered chainmail obsolete. 459 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:38,640 I was wondering why chainmail have been rendered obsolete. 460 00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:40,000 Well, there you are. 461 00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:44,240 Ah! Now, this bespoke mortuary sword was given to me 462 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,200 by Oliver Cromwell himself. 463 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:48,800 You met Oliver Cromwell? Yes. At Naseby? 464 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,960 No, Dorothy and I met him socially. 465 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,120 What did he say? Was he nice? 466 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:56,720 Do you mind if I don't tell you, actually? 467 00:20:56,760 --> 00:21:00,240 I just feel it would be indiscreet to divulge what was said 468 00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:03,080 in a private conversation. Totally. Absolutely fine. 469 00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:05,680 I just feel discretion is important. 470 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:08,120 No, I was just... That's just something I feel. Mmm. 471 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:10,600 I'm not asking you to say exactly what he said, 472 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:13,480 just looking for a general impression. Hmm. 473 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:16,160 Or does that fall under the same proto...? Yes, I think it does. 474 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:20,480 Dick. 475 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:29,000 Oh! Smell that food. 476 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:31,840 Now, remember, how you behave reflects upon me. 477 00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:33,080 I think I'll be all right. 478 00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:36,760 A guy in my village used to host big feasts when he found dead livestock, 479 00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:38,840 so I have used forks. 480 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:42,040 "I have used forks." 481 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:44,880 No-one matching that description? 482 00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:48,680 Alice! There you are. 483 00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:51,680 Oh, I just needed the privy, love. No matter. 484 00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:53,920 Don't know why I keep needing to go. It's fine. 485 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,080 I think it might be the cart thumping against it. 486 00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:58,920 You know, like when you squeeze a pig's bladder full... 487 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:00,280 It's fine. 488 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,000 So what did he say? Who? 489 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:06,880 Master Gideon! Seemed in quite a hurry. 490 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:10,280 Was that not him I saw riding away? 491 00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:26,040 Cumberlidge! The cart. 492 00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:28,520 Do you want one? No, thank you. 493 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:33,520 Let us begin. 494 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:39,640 Dear Lord, we give thanks for the food we are about... 495 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,320 Oh, sorry. 496 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:48,240 So sorry. 497 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:53,680 Dear Lord, we give thanks for the food we are about to enjoy. 498 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:57,280 Amen. Amen. Just to explain the grace mix-up... 499 00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:00,320 No! No, I'd like to. I'd like to. No, really. I'd like to. 500 00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:03,760 We said grace immediately before we encountered you, 501 00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:08,080 and I think Thomasine thought that carried over, not unreasonably. 502 00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:11,240 I think most people agree that Grace applies for around about... 503 00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:13,520 Thank you. ..45 minutes, there or thereabouts, 504 00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:14,920 before you have to re-utter. 505 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:17,840 So I think she was eating within that window. My God! 506 00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:20,080 Do my eyes deceive me? Father! 507 00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:21,960 Gideon Bannister! 508 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,040 We've not had the pleasure since... 509 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:29,840 Oh, yes, when we decided that you and Dorothy should... 510 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:31,760 Yes. Yeah. Sorry about that. 511 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,800 No idea you'd... 512 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:35,680 Well, it didn't feel good. 513 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:40,080 Well, anyway... Genuinely never seen a grown man cry like that. 514 00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:43,960 Sobering, sobering. 515 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,760 But how are things? 516 00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:48,800 I rather imagined that you'd end up at home 517 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:51,000 helping your father with his... 518 00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:55,360 Was it butterflies? Bees. Bees. That's it. 519 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,080 Is that where you ended up? 520 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:00,240 Yeah. 521 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:01,840 Oh, good for you. 522 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:03,280 Follow your passion. 523 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:07,400 Too many men these days, they just want a bit of stature or renown. 524 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:09,760 You know that Rex fought at Naseby? 525 00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:12,480 Yes, he mentioned that, and I enjoyed listening to that. 526 00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:14,880 Not too late to join up. Join up? 527 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,400 Do you remember when he ran away from that squirrel? 528 00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:22,200 I was going in that direction anyway, but yes. 529 00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:25,320 Oh, forgive me. Father, Thomasine. 530 00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:28,280 Thomasine and Gideon have just got married. 531 00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:32,440 Very pleased. Oh! And it's Thomasine...? 532 00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:34,800 Sorry. Gooch. 533 00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:37,320 Trying to think if I know the Gooch family. 534 00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:38,760 Do you have family, Thomasine? 535 00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:41,440 Well, never mind about her family. Let's talk about your family. 536 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:42,840 How are your family? 537 00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:46,120 Well, Uncle Francis is Uncle Francis. Of course, yes. 538 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:50,400 Still burying his money lest the Crown should steal it. 539 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:52,840 He's a bit of an eccentric. 540 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:55,160 Well, I'm all for eccentrics. 541 00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:59,480 I have an uncle, Jeremy, who won't have clocks in the house. 542 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:03,400 Oh! I've got an uncle that fell in love with a scarecrow. 543 00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:04,960 The only thing is, 544 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:07,840 he couldn't accept that the scarecrow didn't love him back. Oh! 545 00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:11,440 And he spent all day with it, stroking it, talking to it. 546 00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:13,800 We just thought it was Brian being Brian, 547 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:16,080 until he started getting intimate with it. 548 00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:18,640 And we said, "Brian, you can't be doing this, 549 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:21,440 "not in an open field with kids watching." 550 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:24,840 And he'd be crying, going, "Oh, but the heart wants the heart wants." 551 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:27,480 And we said, "Well, Brian, does that still apply 552 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:29,560 "when it's, you know, furniture?" 553 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:32,920 And he just got worse and worse 554 00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:34,800 and he ended up hanging himself. 555 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:36,640 Very lonely man. 556 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,560 Might give the chutney a go. 557 00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:40,720 And where's your family estate? 558 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,040 Banham, but I wouldn't call it an estate. Oh, I would. 559 00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:45,400 I absolutely would. It's an estate. It has grounds. 560 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,760 Well, it's got a bit of grass out the back for the dog to go. 561 00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:52,120 Got to say, this beetroot tops the lot. 562 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:53,400 It's fine. It's fine. 563 00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:56,080 Never let it be said we do not enjoy a joke at table. 564 00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:58,920 I enjoy... 565 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:00,560 Do you know calembour? 566 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:02,480 It's a kind of French pun, 567 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:04,720 and yes, I have several up my sleeve. 568 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:07,760 Oh! I will often have the table roaring, won't I? 569 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,120 Oh, roaring. 570 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,080 I've got a joke! Well, the calem... 571 00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:13,680 A man walks into an alehouse... 572 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:16,400 Yes. ..so drunk that he's sick all over himself. 573 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,800 He goes, "Oh, me wife's going to be so cross with me! 574 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:21,640 "I've gone out and got drunk again." And the landlord turns to him 575 00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:25,320 and says, "Here, take that shilling, yeah, put it in your top pocket, 576 00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:27,840 "say another bloke was sick on your shirt 577 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:30,080 "and he gave you a shilling to get a new shirt." 578 00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:32,360 "Oh, yeah, I'll do that. I'll do that." 579 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:35,920 So he goes home and his wife sees him and she is... 580 00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:37,400 She's livid. 581 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:40,640 She goes, "Look at the state of you! You went out and got drunk again." 582 00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:42,840 He went, "No, no, no, it wasn't me. It wasn't me. 583 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:44,360 "It was another bloke. 584 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:47,160 "And what happened is he gave me a shilling for a new shirt." 585 00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:49,920 She goes, "Why's there two shillings, then? And he says, 586 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,120 "Because he shat in my pants as well." 587 00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:55,080 Forgive me. 588 00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:57,160 How could one man defecate 589 00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:00,160 in trousers still being worn by another man? 590 00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:03,720 I suspect the absurdity is rather the point, yes? 591 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,240 Oh, I see. 592 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:07,960 And was this a friend of yours? 593 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:11,160 I hope you don't mind my asking, but, er... 594 00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:13,080 ..is she a, er... 595 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,960 ..peasant? A peasant? Oh, God, no. Yeah, I am. 596 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:20,000 Oh, well, how splendid. 597 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:23,040 Do you know, I don't think we've ever had one at table before. 598 00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:25,760 What didn't you say, Gideon? We could have provided a spoon. 599 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,400 She has used forks. No! 600 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:29,800 Good for you, Gideon, because it can work. 601 00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:33,520 You know, Lord Bodman married a milkmaid, and he had three children. 602 00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:35,240 Mmm, good breeders, the poor. 603 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:38,680 Do you people tend to live long or...? 604 00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:40,640 Does she know numbers? 605 00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:43,120 Ask her yourself. Do you know numbers? 606 00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:46,760 Well, yeah. I mean, I do know stuff. I just can't read, 607 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:48,800 but I want to learn. Sorry? 608 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:50,720 I want to learn how to read. 609 00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:57,080 Yes! 610 00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:59,400 You had me taken in for a second there! 611 00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:01,960 Me too! Oh, I didn't want to say! 612 00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,240 That's bloody convincing, actually. 613 00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:06,120 It's the absurdity again, isn't it, Rex? 614 00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:08,400 You can imagine them, you know, in the field, 615 00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:11,560 there they are, trying to read a potato. 616 00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:13,280 Very good! 617 00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:15,720 I think we have to go now. 618 00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:18,120 Dorothy, Mr Harvey, it's been a pleasure. 619 00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:22,160 Hear, hear. And seriously, congratulations on the peasant. 620 00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:27,120 Little gift to say thank you. 621 00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:28,280 Some honey. 622 00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:30,920 This is honey? 623 00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:38,240 White honey, yeah. White honey? 624 00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:40,200 Never heard of it. Where did you get it from? 625 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:41,680 Oh, we got it from... 626 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:43,280 Ramscock. Ramscock. 627 00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:46,600 It's a local delicacy, only for the discerning palate. 628 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:50,560 Well, we shall be on our way. 629 00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:54,440 Mmm! 630 00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:55,920 Interesting. 631 00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:57,680 Well, it's interesting, isn't it? 632 00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:01,200 I've had that before. 50196

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