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1
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The Witchfinder General
will need a new right-hand man!
2
00:00:02,520 --> 00:00:04,080
Borrow a couple of horses,
off we go,
3
00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:06,240
we should be in Chelmsford
marginally after dark.
4
00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:08,600
Argh! Rely on oneself, pull
up the drawbridge.
5
00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:09,720
What was their name?
6
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:11,920
Something like Dorothy.
So, Dorothy, yeah?
7
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:14,120
If you want to,
you could help me find my master.
8
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:15,240
We'd be happy to.
9
00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:17,280
Some people warned me not
to come through here.
10
00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:20,000
I have children! Please!
They're maniacs. All of them.
11
00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:21,240
I'm no good to you dead, am I?
12
00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:23,600
You stay here,
you'll be cinders in an hour.
13
00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:25,880
Going somewhere, Mr Bannister?
Do you know this woman?
14
00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:27,400
This is... His wife. Ha...
15
00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:39,320
Oh, congratulations!
16
00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:40,840
Thank you, pal. Thank you.
17
00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:42,800
Well, let's see it, then!
18
00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:44,840
See? See what? The ring!
19
00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:46,520
Oh, you mean the wedding ring?
20
00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:49,040
Yes, just trying to think
what we did with it. Um...
21
00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,360
We don't actually have...
Oh, here we go. There it is, look.
22
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:52,800
Yeah, it's a family heirloom.
23
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:54,840
His grandmother gave it to us
after she died.
24
00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:57,840
Well, not after she died.
She couldn't! She was dead.
25
00:00:57,880 --> 00:00:59,920
But she did say that she was
going to give it to us,
26
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,640
then she died. Sadly.
27
00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:03,600
Then we got it off her just
with a bit of soap.
28
00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:04,840
And some hot water, yeah.
29
00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:07,440
It's beautiful.
Sure is, yeah.
30
00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:09,640
It looks a bit like yours,
Catherine.
31
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:11,640
It does, but mine's a bit more...
32
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,080
Oh!
33
00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:16,080
Oh, I must have left it in the...
34
00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:18,480
You really should wear
your wedding ring, Catherine.
35
00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,960
Marriage is a sacrament.
Yes, sorry.
36
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,160
We've got to get off.
We had, we had.
37
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,320
In the middle of the feast?!
Chelmsford awaits!
38
00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:27,440
I thought you wanted to borrow
a horse and cart?
39
00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:30,240
Nah, you're all right, we'll walk.
Come on.
40
00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:32,120
Come on. Chelmsford?
41
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:37,200
You need to go right through
Dedham Vale, not back that way.
42
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:40,960
But don't worry, there may be many
villagers in the Vale,
43
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,920
but they're
all God-fearing people like us.
44
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:46,280
You can be sure of a warm welcome.
45
00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:50,600
Thank you. Thank you.
46
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:52,760
Just...go through...
47
00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:55,960
All right?
48
00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,880
There's no need to be rude!
49
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:02,880
I'm just asking you which way
he went.
50
00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:05,720
Yeah, and I'm telling you...
It's none of our beeswax.
51
00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:08,760
Exactly. One beekeeper doesn't sell
out another.
52
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,560
Master Gideon's not a beekeeper!
53
00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:13,000
He can't stand the little...
54
00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:15,760
Alice, could you fetch
my coin purse from the cart?
55
00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:17,800
I might purchase some honey.
56
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:24,680
These yellow and black ones,
what are they called?
57
00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:26,760
Bees.
58
00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,080
You must be fond of them.
I am fond of them, yeah.
59
00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:31,080
And they of you?
I like to think so, yeah.
60
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:32,640
They wouldn't hurt you at all?
61
00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,440
No. The bee's a very placid animal.
62
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:36,440
Much like Cumberlidge.
Unless provoked.
63
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:38,640
Also like Cumberlidge.
Which hand do you write with?
64
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,760
Which hand...? Do you write with?
65
00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:42,800
I'm sorry?
Don't be. Just answer the question.
66
00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:44,520
Would you like me to repeat
the question?
67
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:46,640
I can repeat the question.
Which hand do you write with?
68
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:49,080
Which hand do you favour?
What's your dexterous hand?
69
00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:50,360
Are you right or left-handed?
70
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,720
Well, I'm right-handed, but...
71
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,000
Oh, no! Please, no, no!
No, please!
72
00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:01,760
Walk and smile, smile and walk.
73
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:05,360
We're just two normal newlyweds
walking along normally.
74
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:06,960
Well, start acting like it, then.
75
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,360
Just because you like the idea
of our being married...
76
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:10,960
I don't like it.
77
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,640
Oh, I think we all know the kind
of warped fantasies women
78
00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:16,480
like you forge in
the fleshy kiln of their loins.
79
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:17,760
Oh, God, there's one.
80
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,960
Maybe it's easier if we just say
that I am a travelling merchant
81
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,280
and you're my bag carrier.
82
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,640
I'm not your bag carrier.
I'll say you're my bag carrier.
83
00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:26,240
Well, I'll say you're
MY bag carrier.
84
00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:27,640
Why would I be your bag carrier?
85
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:29,080
Why would I be YOUR bag carrier?
86
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:30,920
And what merchant?
What are you selling?
87
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,680
I trade mainly in spices.
Where are they?
88
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,520
Well, they're not on me.
I have an emporium.
89
00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:36,680
What are they?
The spices? Salt.
90
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:38,600
Salt's not a spice.
What is it, then, a drink?
91
00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,320
Spices grow, salt does not grow.
All right, privet, you grow privet.
92
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:42,960
Privet is not a spice.
That's a hedge.
93
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,640
A hedge can be a spice.
No, it can't.
94
00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:47,760
Hedges can be spices. A hedge...
Do you want to survive? Yes, I do.
95
00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,520
Then we need to get
our story together - and fast.
96
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:53,680
Now, what are we?
Are we married, or are we merchants?
97
00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:55,600
I don't see why we have to come up
with a story.
98
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:56,760
They're not going to think
99
00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,000
I'm a witch just cos I'm with
a man and I'm not married.
100
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,880
These people are demented.
101
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:03,240
There are eight miles
and God knows how many villages
102
00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:04,560
until we're out of Dedham Vale.
103
00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:07,240
We need to paint a picture for them,
or they will paint their own.
104
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,360
And if they start to wonder,
we don't know where...
105
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:10,800
Hello there! ..that will end.
106
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,600
Hello. Hello.
Oh, God, they're coming.
107
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:14,840
We need to know enough
about each other to suggest
108
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,120
that we are a couple rather than
two strangers who've only just met.
109
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,440
Are you listening?
I wasn't, but I am now.
110
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:21,880
My name is Gideon Bannister.
111
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:23,720
I was born in Framlingham
to George and Mary.
112
00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:26,080
I have no siblings, never wanted
any. I was schooled at Milesford
113
00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,400
then at Corpus Christi College,
Cambridge. That's a lot of Cs.
114
00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,440
I enjoy birdsong, scripture
and good tailoring.
115
00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:32,800
I am kind. We wed at St Stephen's
Chapel, Wickham Market.
116
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,160
We hope to have two children,
both of them boys. Now you.
117
00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:36,360
My name is Thomasine Gooch.
118
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,160
Bannister, Bannister...
Thomasine Bannister.
119
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,240
My mum and dad are William and
Eliza - not that way round -
120
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,520
I have a brother, but he died,
and a fiance that ran off.
121
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,880
I used to have a dog, but he fell
in a hole, so we just heard him
122
00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,440
barking for days and we'd throw food
down, but when we went back
123
00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:49,920
one day, we couldn't hear
any barking, so we think he either
124
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,080
died or he climbed out.
125
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:53,680
I think that he climbed out,
but my mum said the dogs don't climb
126
00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:55,960
because they have their knees on
backwards like cows.
127
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,880
Why are you telling me this?
Who needs to know this?
128
00:04:57,920 --> 00:04:59,040
Hello! Good day to you.
129
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:02,080
I'm sorry to shout you over,
but I just had to say hello
130
00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:03,680
to the newlyweds.
131
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,520
Oh-ho-ho, word travels fast!
132
00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:08,320
All part of the Dedham Vale welcome.
And on that note...
133
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:11,800
So, how was it, the big day?
It was lovely. Lovely. Erm...
134
00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:13,960
His parents, George and Mary...
George and Mary.
135
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,720
And her mother, Eliza, was
looking...
136
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:17,320
..down from heaven.
..quite radiant.
137
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:18,760
She's in heaven?
138
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:22,040
And so how was she looking radiant?
139
00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:24,720
She was... I'll tell you
what it was...
140
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,680
I'm thinking of the organist,
who was looking radiant
141
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:31,920
and was maybe a woman in
her mid-60s... Mm-hm. Uh-huh.
142
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,360
..and she was there.
143
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:36,240
Her mother, meanwhile, was, yeah,
not there
144
00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:41,480
for the perfectly
reasonable excuse of her...death.
145
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:44,880
So you didn't know that
your wife's mother was dead?
146
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,560
Give us a chance!
We only just got married. Yesterday!
147
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:49,440
Then, it's time for celebration!
148
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,280
No, no. No, it's not.
149
00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:58,200
For luck, ivy, that they may grow
intertwined as it does.
150
00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,440
Well, that's lovely. Now...
151
00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,480
And the spilt seed of a ram...
152
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,320
Pardon me, the spilt seed...?
153
00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:07,280
Semen. Semen.
..that they may grow fertile.
154
00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:08,680
Very kind of you.
155
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,480
And of the ram. And of the ram.
156
00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:12,040
Oh, believe me, he likes it.
157
00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:18,560
You have a way with people,
don't you, Mr Hebble.
158
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,320
I can't thank you enough
for your help.
159
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,520
You've made an old woman feel
very special.
160
00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:24,720
When you see her,
tell her she's welcome.
161
00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,040
I'm the old woman!
162
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,960
Oh, I see what you did there.
You are most kind.
163
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,280
I've often prayed for a sign
or for a helping hand from the Lord
164
00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:37,280
and that's why he sent you,
an angel from above.
165
00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,480
Because he does do that,
does the Lord.
166
00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:43,320
Look at how he sent a great flood
so Noah could show off his new boat.
167
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:46,440
Look at how when Moses was stranded
by the Red Sea,
168
00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:50,080
the Lord made a pass
so he could walk right through it.
169
00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:52,880
And if a path isn't a sign,
I don't know what is.
170
00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:55,920
Nor do I, Alice.
171
00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:58,400
Nor do I.
172
00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:04,480
Nooses. You make these yourself,
do you?
173
00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,240
She's making it in front of you.
174
00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:09,560
Always good to have a hobby.
175
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:12,080
We need to get out of here.
Why don't you just...?
176
00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,520
Look at your two,
couple of lovebirds!
177
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,200
Aha. Well, a couple of lovebirds
who must fly, I'm afraid.
178
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:19,640
Not often you see a married couple
show so much affection.
179
00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:22,160
How do you mean? Well, there's
barely a cross word between you.
180
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:24,400
It's almost hard to believe.
Hard to believe? Why?
181
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:26,240
Not like many married couples
I know.
182
00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:30,640
Oh, believe me, we sometimes make
our feelings clear, don't we?
183
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:32,160
So, for example, I will say,
184
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,200
"Why do you always speak
with your mouth full?"
185
00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,400
And I might say, "Why do you have to
look down on people?
186
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:37,640
"Why can't you just be kind?"
187
00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:40,280
I might say, "Kindness has
to be earned. You can be quite
ill mannered."
188
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:43,560
I might say, "You might have
manners, but it's what's behind
the manners."
189
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:45,360
I might say,
"Oh, eh, I must hear this.
190
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:46,760
"What's behind my manners?"
191
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,440
"You're mean, you're inconsiderate,
you're dishonest, you're vain."
192
00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:51,800
And I say, "Have you quite
finished?" "You don't listen.
193
00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:53,680
"You tut, you snore,
you roll your eyes..."
194
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,680
I'll say, "Now have you finished?"
"You've no honour,
195
00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:57,960
"even though it seems to be the only
thing that you care about.
196
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,320
"You're short-tempered, you're
a hypocrite and you're not nice."
197
00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:05,640
Now have you finished?
198
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:09,320
Yeah, I've finished now. Yeah.
199
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:21,160
What do you think, Alice?
Could this be your master's?
200
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,880
Well, Master Gideon says it doesn't
do for Puritans
201
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,960
to indulge in the pleasures
of the ear.
202
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:27,800
But we all like music, don't we?
203
00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:31,520
I...might sing occasionally.
204
00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:35,640
You sing beautifully, like
a tropical songbird, a parrot, say,
205
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,200
and Cumberlidge knows
I love a song as well.
206
00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:41,600
Do you? A jaunty jig song,
a moving ballad - I love a song.
207
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:45,800
So if there's no harm in
your master enjoying music,
208
00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:48,040
could this be his whistle?
209
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:49,760
I think it is.
210
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:52,440
Then he came through here.
We'll catch him in no time.
211
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,440
Catch? Catch, catch up.
212
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,200
Ah.
213
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:57,600
Is it as blessed as they say?
214
00:08:57,640 --> 00:08:59,480
The wedding?
The night of the wedding.
215
00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:01,520
Oh, the night of the wedding,
we travelled here.
216
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:03,920
Then how did you consummate?
217
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:08,200
We haven't had a chance to do
that yet, but it's on our list.
218
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:16,600
Sorry, I thought...people
said you were married.
219
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,360
We are married.
We just haven't had a...
220
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:22,680
The sacrament isn't complete.
You are his wife?
221
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,920
Mr Bannister?
222
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:31,640
Yes, he came through, ooh, what?
A few hours ago now?
223
00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:33,400
Excellent. I am pleased.
224
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:36,520
Him and his wife. His wife?!
He's not got a wife!
225
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:38,880
Oh, yes. He has now.
226
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:40,400
Just married, apparently.
227
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,040
Master Gideon?
It was his wife, wasn't it?
228
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,280
Oh, yes, yes.
They had a ring and everything.
229
00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:46,400
Happy day!
230
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,800
Would you mind pointing us
in the direction they headed?
231
00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:50,680
We'd love to coat them
with our best wishes.
232
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,080
Certainly. This way.
233
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:55,160
I think you left a witch on that.
234
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,800
I don't think it's true,
them being wed.
235
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:03,760
Well, true, not true, whichever...
236
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,320
I mean, it's probably just a ruse,
237
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,400
you know, to stop these lot
from snatching her.
238
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,880
It's no concern of mine if he was
married, he's just my employer.
239
00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:11,440
Yeah, I know, it's just...
240
00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:14,360
..some help have a special bond
with their master.
241
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,160
I don't have a special bond
with my master.
242
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,800
YOU might have a special
bond with...
243
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,880
I don't have a special bond
with my master, no.
244
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,320
I mean, you see some help, they're
245
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,800
all over their masters like spilt
soup. Like nappy rash.
246
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:26,240
Pathetic, desperate.
247
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:29,200
I mean, I don't even know
my master's birthday. I don't.
248
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:31,240
I don't. June-uary?!
249
00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:33,240
Yeah. Or how he likes his bath.
250
00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:36,480
When my master had ticks,
I laughed. I would.
251
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,320
I'd laugh.
I mean, I'm laughing right now.
252
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:41,000
I removed them all,
but I was laughing.
253
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:46,920
Why did you tell them that?
254
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,520
Well, I didn't know
they had the room ready, did I?
255
00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:51,160
This is unbelievable.
256
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,360
I was supposed to be in Chelmsford
a day ago.
257
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:54,720
Calm down!
258
00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:56,760
Dining with Matthew Hopkins himself!
259
00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,480
I'd have said something like,
"I don't know about finding witches.
260
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,560
"You've certainly found yourself
a good chef here."
261
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,680
And he would've laughed
and said, "Yeah, good one."
262
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:06,320
You're making such a
fuss about nothing.
263
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:09,400
They think we are having
congress in here.
264
00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:12,600
We're bloody stuck, madam,
in these four thin walls
265
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,440
with half the village listening in.
266
00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:17,160
Why don't you just say,
"We've changed our mind, actually"?
267
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:18,600
Do you want to take that chance?
268
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:22,240
There are trees out there
with bodies dangling from them.
269
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,040
We ought to begin.
270
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,040
What's that?!
271
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:45,680
Kissing.
272
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:01,680
Have you ever been with a woman?
273
00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,720
Have I ever been with a woman?
she asks.
274
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:09,560
Have you ever been...? I am
a Puritan and I am unmarried.
275
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:11,760
No, I haven't ever
been with a bloody woman.
276
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,880
And you need to be making
appreciative noises
277
00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:19,480
in between the grunts.
278
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:25,880
What is that?
You sound like a violin!
279
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:28,120
You sound like someone
trying to shit a violin!
280
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,000
Ha, maybe we should do that
in every village.
281
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:49,760
Take a room and grunt at each other?
282
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,440
Express our fondness publicly.
283
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,600
Then I thought you could tickle me.
Yes.
284
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,520
And then you can nuzzle into me
and I'll make a cute noise.
285
00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:58,560
Cute noise? Nyang-nyang-nyang...
286
00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:01,240
We're flying here.
I feel like Icarus.
287
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,440
Anyone would think you're
enjoying yourself.
288
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:07,520
I am very, very fond of this lady.
289
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:09,480
Follow the river,
get past these trees,
290
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:12,680
get through the last few villages
and we're out of Dedham Vale.
291
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:15,120
The important thing
is not to get cocky.
292
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,200
So we tend to do the hanging
in the morning
293
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:19,360
and then in the afternoon
we have a market,
294
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,400
you know, make a day of it
for the family.
295
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:22,720
Ooh, sounds lovely.
296
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,800
So you two married, then?
297
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:26,920
Married? No.
298
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:30,040
Thomasina is a witch,
and we're hoping no-one notices.
299
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,760
I say that to my missus
all the time.
300
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:38,480
Just that I wouldn't have put you
two together, that's all. Hmm.
301
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:40,400
I wouldn't have put you together
with that hat,
302
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:42,040
but, you know, you have.
303
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,880
So when did you get together?
Feels like only yesterday.
304
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:47,240
We've had our trials
and tribulations,
305
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:50,560
let's put it that way. Mainly
trials, though, to be honest.
306
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,520
But when a whole town wants
you to stand beside a woman
307
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:56,120
and tie the knot, what can you do?
308
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:58,480
Almost took my breath away.
309
00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:01,960
Well, knots will do that,
but I didn't leave her hanging.
310
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,080
And so here we are.
Sorry? Oh, don't be, John. Don't be.
311
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:07,800
Oh, I love you, Gideon Bannister.
312
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:10,120
Do you know what,
Thomasine Bannister? Mmm?
313
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,480
When I'm not with you,
I think of your face
314
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,160
and it makes my heart swell.
315
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:16,800
Gideon?
316
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,800
Dorothy! What are you doing here?
317
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,920
Me? I'm...
I'm heading to Chelmsford.
318
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:25,240
Why are you here? What the hell
are you even doing here?
319
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,480
I live here, with my husband, Rex.
320
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:29,160
That's so, so great.
321
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:33,440
Are you going to introduce us?
322
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,120
Yes. Yes, I am.
323
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:38,280
Thomasine, this is Dorothy,
my former betrothed.
324
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:43,240
Dorothy, this is Thomasine,
my... Wife. ..wife.
325
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:45,880
Oh, you found someone!
326
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:48,920
Chose someone. Yeah.
Oh, you must stay for lunch.
327
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:50,960
I'll have the carriage come round.
328
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,800
Lovely! Actually, no,
we can't do that. Nonsense.
329
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:56,560
Driver! We wouldn't want to impose.
You wouldn't be imposing.
330
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:57,880
We would. So we won't.
331
00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,840
But I want to find out a little bit
more about Thomasine.
332
00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:02,680
Where are you from?
Who is your father?
333
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,000
I've said we can't go.
334
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,880
Miriam is preparing
a saddle of lamb!
335
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,680
Ooh! It's not going to happen,
Dorothy.
336
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,760
Perhaps another time, then. Maybe.
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
337
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,640
Thomasine. Dorothy.
338
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:22,680
My goodness.
339
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:24,760
Your apples are as rosy red
as your cheeks.
340
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,880
I always think rosy cheeks
are a sign of a keen mind.
341
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,240
Or mead for breakfast!
342
00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:31,760
A mind keen enough to remember
if you'd seen someone.
343
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,360
Now I'm looking for...
344
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:34,640
Alice?
345
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:40,640
# If your true love came passing by
346
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:43,080
# You'd fill him with drink
if he was dry
347
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,760
# At the well below the valley-o
348
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:47,560
# Green grows the lily-o
349
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:51,200
# Right among the bushes-o
350
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:54,200
# That's the end of my song... #
351
00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:00,240
I don't know what that was.
352
00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:01,400
I like songs.
353
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:06,200
And, you know, you said
before you like songs, so I thought,
354
00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:08,640
the master likes songs,
I like songs, so...
355
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:11,080
That was a lie to win
Old Myers' confidence.
356
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:14,640
Yeah, I know.
Mine was a lie, too.
357
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:17,480
So you don't like music?
Hate music.
358
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:20,240
Right. So that performance...
359
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:23,680
Another lie.
360
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:25,360
A longer lie.
361
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:27,480
Huh.
362
00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:37,160
Master Gideon!
363
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,640
What are you doing here?
364
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:40,560
Helping you. Stay there, Gooch.
365
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,560
You're not helping me.
You were helping by staying put.
366
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,040
Yes, but they've all
got it in their heads
367
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,200
that it's you
that killed Mr Stern.
368
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:49,800
So I thought,
I have to come and warn you
369
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:52,040
in case word reached
the Witchfinder General
370
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:53,880
before you'd had a chance
to explain.
371
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:56,720
And that was all your idea, was it?
Well, I was talking to Mr Hebble...
372
00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:58,960
Hebble? Oh, my God. You and Hebble.
373
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,280
Hebble and Myers!
374
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,320
Sounds like a firm of
not very good undertakers.
375
00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:04,080
Well, you didn't take long, did you?
376
00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:05,800
What did he offer you?
377
00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:08,640
Higher wage? Plush new saddle?
378
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:12,240
Those thimbles you keep going on
about? I am not working for him.
379
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:15,560
He has come with me because...
Hebble is with you?
380
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:18,920
Yes! He wants to help you.
He doesn't want to help me.
381
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,200
He wants to take my witch.
382
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,920
He wants to take my job
with the Witchfinder General!
383
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,200
Bugger me. Bugger, bugger, bugger.
384
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:27,240
Gooch! Come on, Gooch!
385
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:28,720
Hebble's here.
386
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,120
What's happening?
387
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:31,800
Goodness, Gideon!
388
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,600
Hebble knows what you're
going through.
389
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,960
When he was young, his father
was killed as a poacher!
390
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,320
He understands!
No, no, no, no, no. Hebble's father
391
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:39,840
is an actuary in Kidderminster.
392
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:42,320
I doubt he knows how to poach
an egg. What's happening?
393
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:44,280
His father is dead.
His father isn't dead.
394
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:47,040
I've met his bloody father. You've
met his father! What's going on?
395
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:50,360
You met him at the Carols, Myers!
Wake up! What's happening?
396
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,000
He's spun you a yarn
to earn your trust.
397
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,360
I think I've made a mistake.
A mistake? What's going on?
398
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,800
No, a mistake is when you miss
an L out of the word clock
399
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,120
when you're writing to your mother.
What's happening?
400
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:03,000
A mistake is when you try to milk a
bull. This isn't a mistake, Myers.
401
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,080
This is a foul-up.
What's going on?
402
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,640
Does he know where I'm going?
403
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,680
I think I might have...
You're unbelievable.
404
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,840
What's happening? I'll tell you
what's going on,
405
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:12,800
and I'll tell you what's happening.
Right?
406
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:14,960
Myers here is going to take Hebble
somewhere else.
407
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:18,080
You and I are going to hide.
Now. Now, now, Myers! Now. Come on.
408
00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:20,160
What are you doing?
Hiding now. No...
409
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:21,760
What are you...? Stand up.
410
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,880
We need to find a large barrel,
or a haystack.
411
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:26,000
I'm not getting in a barrel.
Then a haystack it is.
412
00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:27,520
I'm not getting in a haystack.
413
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,720
Your ex offered for us
to go to her house.
414
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:30,880
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
415
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,360
Believe me, we're not doing that.
That's ruled out.
416
00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:36,320
Did you say SADDLE of lamb?
417
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:45,000
I've always wanted a house
with a corridor.
418
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:47,400
Love corridors.
419
00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:51,600
Now, what I was saying about
getting married to Thomasine. Yes?
420
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:55,320
Well, have you got to know
the locals at all?
421
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:57,040
Well, not as much as we'd like.
422
00:18:57,080 --> 00:19:01,640
They are a very god-fearing people,
in quite a mad way.
423
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:06,320
I've heard they execute suspected
witches without going to trial.
424
00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:09,880
Well, one can't be too careful
when it comes to witches, can one?
425
00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:12,720
So you knew about that, did you?
Oh, absolutely.
426
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,000
It's one of the reasons
we moved here.
427
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:17,320
Oh, I'm sorry. What were you saying
about Thomasine?
428
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:18,560
Oh, nothing, I don't think.
429
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,640
This is my husband, Rex.
430
00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,000
As in...
431
00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,280
..Oedipus Rex?
432
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:26,960
I'm a friend of your mother's.
433
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,640
Your wife's. Hello.
You must be Gideon.
434
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:31,120
And I must be going.
435
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:34,320
Going? Going where?
Word is there's a witch in the Vale,
436
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:36,600
along with a corrupted witchfinder.
437
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:40,400
Get lost! Mmm. I'm off to find
some men to help hunt them down.
438
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,680
Care to join, Gideon?
Does it have to be you?
439
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:45,120
We've got guests,
for goodness' sake. Good point.
440
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:48,320
Oh, do stay, Rex. I shall find
something for Thomasine to wear,
441
00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:51,040
and you can entertain Gideon.
Entertain? What?
442
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:56,360
You know how many windows
we have here?
443
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,960
Oh, er, forty...
444
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,400
112.
445
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,360
112 windows.
446
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,960
Well, 1-1-2.
447
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,040
You like swords?
448
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:10,680
A classic cut-and-thrust two-edged
sword by Kenneth's of Hounslow.
449
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:12,720
Observe the half-basket hilt.
450
00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:14,240
And the blade...
451
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,120
..32 inches. 32.
452
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:19,160
32 inches. Two edges. 112 windows.
453
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:20,400
Some numbers.
454
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:22,760
A pair of French rapiers.
455
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:26,240
Lighter, for the weak-wristed
swordsman. Hmm? Hmm.
456
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:29,560
Do you know why the foil
came to prominence? No, sir.
457
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,560
Goes through chainmail.
458
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:35,600
Oh. And like that,
rendered chainmail obsolete.
459
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:38,640
I was wondering why chainmail
have been rendered obsolete.
460
00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:40,000
Well, there you are.
461
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:44,240
Ah! Now, this bespoke mortuary
sword was given to me
462
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,200
by Oliver Cromwell himself.
463
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:48,800
You met Oliver Cromwell?
Yes. At Naseby?
464
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,960
No, Dorothy and I met him socially.
465
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,120
What did he say? Was he nice?
466
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:56,720
Do you mind if I don't tell
you, actually?
467
00:20:56,760 --> 00:21:00,240
I just feel it would be indiscreet
to divulge what was said
468
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:03,080
in a private conversation.
Totally. Absolutely fine.
469
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:05,680
I just feel discretion is important.
470
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:08,120
No, I was just...
That's just something I feel. Mmm.
471
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:10,600
I'm not asking you to say exactly
what he said,
472
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:13,480
just looking for
a general impression. Hmm.
473
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:16,160
Or does that fall under the same
proto...? Yes, I think it does.
474
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:20,480
Dick.
475
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:29,000
Oh! Smell that food.
476
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:31,840
Now, remember, how you behave
reflects upon me.
477
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:33,080
I think I'll be all right.
478
00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:36,760
A guy in my village used to host big
feasts when he found dead livestock,
479
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:38,840
so I have used forks.
480
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:42,040
"I have used forks."
481
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:44,880
No-one matching that description?
482
00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:48,680
Alice! There you are.
483
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:51,680
Oh, I just needed the privy, love.
No matter.
484
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:53,920
Don't know why I keep needing to go.
It's fine.
485
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,080
I think it might be the cart
thumping against it.
486
00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:58,920
You know, like when you squeeze
a pig's bladder full...
487
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:00,280
It's fine.
488
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,000
So what did he say? Who?
489
00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:06,880
Master Gideon!
Seemed in quite a hurry.
490
00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:10,280
Was that not him I saw riding away?
491
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:26,040
Cumberlidge! The cart.
492
00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:28,520
Do you want one?
No, thank you.
493
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:33,520
Let us begin.
494
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:39,640
Dear Lord, we give thanks
for the food we are about...
495
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,320
Oh, sorry.
496
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:48,240
So sorry.
497
00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:53,680
Dear Lord, we give thanks
for the food we are about to enjoy.
498
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:57,280
Amen. Amen. Just to explain
the grace mix-up...
499
00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:00,320
No! No, I'd like to. I'd like to.
No, really. I'd like to.
500
00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:03,760
We said grace immediately
before we encountered you,
501
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:08,080
and I think Thomasine thought that
carried over, not unreasonably.
502
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:11,240
I think most people agree that Grace
applies for around about...
503
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:13,520
Thank you. ..45 minutes,
there or thereabouts,
504
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:14,920
before you have to re-utter.
505
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:17,840
So I think she was eating
within that window. My God!
506
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:20,080
Do my eyes deceive me? Father!
507
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:21,960
Gideon Bannister!
508
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,040
We've not had the pleasure since...
509
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:29,840
Oh, yes, when we decided
that you and Dorothy should...
510
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:31,760
Yes. Yeah. Sorry about that.
511
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,800
No idea you'd...
512
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:35,680
Well, it didn't feel good.
513
00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:40,080
Well, anyway... Genuinely never seen
a grown man cry like that.
514
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:43,960
Sobering, sobering.
515
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,760
But how are things?
516
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:48,800
I rather imagined that you'd end up
at home
517
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:51,000
helping your father with his...
518
00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:55,360
Was it butterflies? Bees. Bees.
That's it.
519
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,080
Is that where you ended up?
520
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:00,240
Yeah.
521
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:01,840
Oh, good for you.
522
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:03,280
Follow your passion.
523
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:07,400
Too many men these days, they just
want a bit of stature or renown.
524
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:09,760
You know that Rex fought at Naseby?
525
00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:12,480
Yes, he mentioned that,
and I enjoyed listening to that.
526
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:14,880
Not too late to join up.
Join up?
527
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,400
Do you remember when he ran away
from that squirrel?
528
00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:22,200
I was going in that direction
anyway, but yes.
529
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:25,320
Oh, forgive me.
Father, Thomasine.
530
00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:28,280
Thomasine and Gideon
have just got married.
531
00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:32,440
Very pleased.
Oh! And it's Thomasine...?
532
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:34,800
Sorry. Gooch.
533
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:37,320
Trying to think if I know
the Gooch family.
534
00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:38,760
Do you have family, Thomasine?
535
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:41,440
Well, never mind about her family.
Let's talk about your family.
536
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:42,840
How are your family?
537
00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:46,120
Well, Uncle Francis
is Uncle Francis. Of course, yes.
538
00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:50,400
Still burying his money
lest the Crown should steal it.
539
00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:52,840
He's a bit of an eccentric.
540
00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:55,160
Well, I'm all for eccentrics.
541
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:59,480
I have an uncle, Jeremy,
who won't have clocks in the house.
542
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:03,400
Oh! I've got an uncle that
fell in love with a scarecrow.
543
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:04,960
The only thing is,
544
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:07,840
he couldn't accept that the
scarecrow didn't love him back. Oh!
545
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:11,440
And he spent all day with it,
stroking it, talking to it.
546
00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:13,800
We just thought it was Brian
being Brian,
547
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:16,080
until he started getting intimate
with it.
548
00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:18,640
And we said, "Brian,
you can't be doing this,
549
00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:21,440
"not in an open field
with kids watching."
550
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:24,840
And he'd be crying, going, "Oh, but
the heart wants the heart wants."
551
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:27,480
And we said, "Well, Brian,
does that still apply
552
00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:29,560
"when it's, you know, furniture?"
553
00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:32,920
And he just got worse and worse
554
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:34,800
and he ended up hanging himself.
555
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:36,640
Very lonely man.
556
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,560
Might give the chutney a go.
557
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:40,720
And where's your family estate?
558
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,040
Banham, but I wouldn't call it
an estate. Oh, I would.
559
00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:45,400
I absolutely would.
It's an estate. It has grounds.
560
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,760
Well, it's got a bit of grass
out the back for the dog to go.
561
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:52,120
Got to say,
this beetroot tops the lot.
562
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:53,400
It's fine. It's fine.
563
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:56,080
Never let it be said
we do not enjoy a joke at table.
564
00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:58,920
I enjoy...
565
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:00,560
Do you know calembour?
566
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:02,480
It's a kind of French pun,
567
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:04,720
and yes, I have several
up my sleeve.
568
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:07,760
Oh! I will often have the table
roaring, won't I?
569
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,120
Oh, roaring.
570
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,080
I've got a joke!
Well, the calem...
571
00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:13,680
A man walks into an alehouse...
572
00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:16,400
Yes. ..so drunk that he's sick
all over himself.
573
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,800
He goes, "Oh, me wife's going to be
so cross with me!
574
00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:21,640
"I've gone out and got drunk again."
And the landlord turns to him
575
00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:25,320
and says, "Here, take that shilling,
yeah, put it in your top pocket,
576
00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:27,840
"say another bloke
was sick on your shirt
577
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:30,080
"and he gave you a shilling
to get a new shirt."
578
00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:32,360
"Oh, yeah, I'll do that.
I'll do that."
579
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:35,920
So he goes home and his wife
sees him and she is...
580
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:37,400
She's livid.
581
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:40,640
She goes, "Look at the state of you!
You went out and got drunk again."
582
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:42,840
He went, "No, no, no, it wasn't me.
It wasn't me.
583
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:44,360
"It was another bloke.
584
00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:47,160
"And what happened is he gave me
a shilling for a new shirt."
585
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:49,920
She goes, "Why's there
two shillings, then? And he says,
586
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,120
"Because he shat in my pants
as well."
587
00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:55,080
Forgive me.
588
00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:57,160
How could one man defecate
589
00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:00,160
in trousers still being worn
by another man?
590
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:03,720
I suspect the absurdity
is rather the point, yes?
591
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,240
Oh, I see.
592
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:07,960
And was this a friend of yours?
593
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:11,160
I hope you don't mind my asking,
but, er...
594
00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:13,080
..is she a, er...
595
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,960
..peasant? A peasant? Oh, God, no.
Yeah, I am.
596
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:20,000
Oh, well, how splendid.
597
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:23,040
Do you know, I don't think
we've ever had one at table before.
598
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:25,760
What didn't you say, Gideon?
We could have provided a spoon.
599
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,400
She has used forks. No!
600
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:29,800
Good for you, Gideon,
because it can work.
601
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:33,520
You know, Lord Bodman married a
milkmaid, and he had three children.
602
00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:35,240
Mmm, good breeders, the poor.
603
00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:38,680
Do you people tend to
live long or...?
604
00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:40,640
Does she know numbers?
605
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:43,120
Ask her yourself.
Do you know numbers?
606
00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:46,760
Well, yeah. I mean, I do know
stuff. I just can't read,
607
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:48,800
but I want to learn. Sorry?
608
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:50,720
I want to learn how to read.
609
00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:57,080
Yes!
610
00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:59,400
You had me taken in for a second
there!
611
00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:01,960
Me too! Oh, I didn't want to say!
612
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,240
That's bloody convincing, actually.
613
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:06,120
It's the absurdity again,
isn't it, Rex?
614
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:08,400
You can imagine them, you know,
in the field,
615
00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:11,560
there they are,
trying to read a potato.
616
00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:13,280
Very good!
617
00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:15,720
I think we have to go now.
618
00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:18,120
Dorothy, Mr Harvey,
it's been a pleasure.
619
00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:22,160
Hear, hear. And seriously,
congratulations on the peasant.
620
00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:27,120
Little gift to say thank you.
621
00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:28,280
Some honey.
622
00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:30,920
This is honey?
623
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:38,240
White honey, yeah. White honey?
624
00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:40,200
Never heard of it.
Where did you get it from?
625
00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:41,680
Oh, we got it from...
626
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:43,280
Ramscock. Ramscock.
627
00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:46,600
It's a local delicacy,
only for the discerning palate.
628
00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:50,560
Well, we shall be on our way.
629
00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:54,440
Mmm!
630
00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:55,920
Interesting.
631
00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:57,680
Well, it's interesting, isn't it?
632
00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:01,200
I've had that before.
50196
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