All language subtitles for Sex Lives of the Potato Men (2004) AC3 DVDrip XViD-BONE

Ace Of Spades

If you like to gamble

I tell you, I'm your man

You win some, lose some

Is's all the same to me

The pleasure is to play

It makes no difference what you say

I don't share your greed

The only card I need is the Ace of Spades

The Ace of Spades

Playing for the high one

Dancing with the devil

Going with the flow

Is's all a game to me

Seven or eleven

Snake eyes watching you

Double up or quit

Double stake or split

The Ace of Spades, the Ace of Spades

You know I'm born to lose

And gambling's for fools

But that's the way I like it, baby

I don't want to live forever

And don't forget the Joker

Pushing up the ante...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Read 'em and weep

The dead man's hand again

I see it in your eyes

Take one look and die

The only thing you see

You know it's gonna be

The Ace of Spades, the Ace of Spades

I'm going to the toilet.

See you next Tuesday, then.

Oh, it's a great feeling, Dave,
when your wife fuck s off and leaves you.

Is's like a dream come true.

My life now is one big fanny festival.

I don't care if they're black,
white, yellow or purple. I'd shag anyone.

Purple? Who's purple?

Martians?

- They're green!
- Are they?

- Would you shag a Martian?
- Yeah. Would you?

Might as well, I can't remember
t'last time I shagged a human being.

Good Karma

Have you heard this -
this...fucking sandwich he's got? Tell him.

Well, Linda used to put strawberry
jam on her twat.

So I'd lick her out.

- Blimey!
- Listen to this, Ferris.

Now I'm just addicted to the taste.
Fanny juice and strawberries.

He's got fucking strawberry jam
and fish paste sandwiches.

Fucking hell, Tolly.

Is's the nearest I can get to the flavour.

Go on, have a bite. Is's fucking horrible.

No, thank s.

Try it.

Tolly, I ain't eating a sandwich
that tastes like Linda's twat.

It really doesn't, though.
And that's the problem.

Can't quite get the flavour right.

Erm...Kings Heath, you know, paint factory.

That's them. And Lozells Road.
You know about that, don't you?

You've already give 'em us.

Have I? Must've done. Sorry. It
was a late night.

Were you up all night watching porn channels?

No, I went round to see Ruth at her flat.

Drank a lot of wine, played chess,
talked about book s all night.

You know what it's like.

Anyway, you've er...
you've got the things, so er...

Yeah.

Good stuff.

I went out this bird once, right.

She used to lick my arse.

Like, stick her tongue...right up my arse.

Which is great, but then she'd try
and snog me.

Which is like...fucking...
swings and roundabouts, that is.

You can't fucking win.

I'd hate to think what she has
in her sandwiches.

Shit, probably.

How's my favourite
son-in-law?

You know what it's like, Joan,
when you've got all your fingers in a big pie.

I can't find my bag.
Have you seen my bag?

God, Joan, where's your jumper?

In the kitchen.

You look nice.

Why don't you pull your trousers down?

Er...

- Do you want me to help you?
- No, no. I can manage.

That's a very lengthy type of sausage.

Yeah.

Don't get many complaints.

You krow about my bad knees and
my arthesis.

I'm on steroids and that.
Why don't I just plonk myself on the table?

Yeah, that could work.

My mother-in-law gave me a blow
job last night.

Mine gave me a fishing rod once.

At the end she wiped herself down
with toilet paper and put it in the ashtray.

And then I was trying to have a
fag and that was the worst bit.

You know, flicking the ash onto
the wet toilet paper.

She's 50, you know, Joan.

I've never seen varicose veins that big.

Is's a tricky one, that, Ferris.

You don't want to upset her or
you'll have nowhere to live.

I can't afford to move out.
Is's going to keep on happening.

Well, there's only way out of that situation.

What's that?

I don't know. I'm just saying.
There's probably only one way out of it.

But I don't know what it is.

I don't pay any rent.

Free food, you know. No bills.
I'm laughing, really.

But I can't go on living with my
mother-in-law for ever.

If I was still married, then...

Well, I am still married legally,
but...you know what I mean.

At least you're getting blow jobs!

Two years ago was last before I
had off Vicky

I don't know what I've done wrong.

I'm scared to go home these days.

If I wasn't so lazy, I'd become a
workaholic.

- Is's the potato men.
- Hiya, Phil.

- How's it going?
- Not bad, not bad.

Still working for Stan?

No.

There's a few things in the pipeline, though.

And I'm thinking of setting up a
market stall selling broken biscuits.

- Is's all happening, then.
- Yeah.

So er...you still scared of wasps?

He's frightened to death of wasps.

I'm not scared of 'em.
If they fucking sting you, you know about it.

I bought this candy floss once, right.
About ten fucking wasps attacked it.

I'm like, "Fuck off, out of it."

Just got all tangled up in it.

Couldn't eat it.

Fucking wasps - cunts.

A wasp sting can kill you.

- That's right.
- No, it's not.

It is. Is's well-known, wasp sting.

They can trigger, you know, death in a person.

Yeah, but if you didn't have
wasps, you wouldn't have honey, so...

No, that's bees. Bees make honey.

Well, same thing.
Little fucking stripy jumpers on.

Fuck 'em!

Bees make honey? Since when?

Are you fucking serious?

Bees and wasps, they invented honey.

That's how they became
famous

Actually, it's just honey bees that make honey.

Honey bees! On jars of honey,
there's always pictures of bees.

Yeah I know I thought.

I thought honey was just treacle with bees in it.

You what?

Don't they just mix a few bees up
in the treacle? Flavour it up a bit? I don't know.

- Fucking hell, you don't eat bees.
- How do bees make honey, then?

Phil.

They eat flowers, I think.

And something to do with eating
the flowers produces a honey effect when they spit it out.

All insects make sweet substances.

Bees make honey and ants make sugar.

- Do they fuck!
- They fucking do, don't they, Phil?

No.

I thought they did.

Why didn't you pick Katie up from my mum's?

Was I meant to?

You smell like a pub.

Yeah, well, it just gets in your
clothes, the smoke and the beer smell.

Did you put that flannel on the telly?

I had a dirty face and erm...
I don't know how it got there.

I'm running round after a child all day.

I'm not running round after you as well.

You're the one who wanted a kid.
And now you've got one, it's like it's my fault.

I wanted a family. And this isn't a family.

Because...you're a fucking idiot.

Look, I don't even know what I'm arguing about.

It's very basic Dave.

Is's about being in the house now and again.

Being a proper dad. What's wrong with you?

You know, we're just going round in circles here.

- You're not behaving like a human being.
- No I know.

But who does? You've got to be realistic.

You might think this is normal, but I don't.

And I'm not going to carry on living like this.

If I was a monkey, a male monkey,

I wouldn't even be here having this argument.

I'd be down the pub, getting drunk...

- ..shagging loads of female monkeys.

That's a natural state of affairs
for a male in any species.

This situation here, it's a relatively modern one.

And goes totally against nature.

I'm telling you, society's under a
lot of strain right now.

Dave?

I can't go on any more with this.
You'll have to get out of here.

Twelve months ago today, I met Ruth.
Is's our anniversary.

She's probably forgot, but...

I'm going to take her out for a
nice, expensive, slap-up meal.

Champagne, you know.

Starters. Puddings.

Linda never remembered our wedding
anniversary. Or my birthday.

I think it was the heroin.

Is's hard to keep the romance in a relationship.

Men like you and me, Tolly, we're
a dying breed.

I used to put strawberry jam on her twat.

Yeah. Dying breed, Tolly, dying breed.

Ruth?

- Oh.
- You look lovely. Your hair...

Sorry, what did you want?

I got you these.

Don't take this the wrong way.
If you don't leave me alone, I will call the police.

Why?

- For the last time Jeremy, go away!
- All couples have arguments.

We are not a couple any more.

How can you go from being...really
liking me to not wanting to see me? I don't get it.

To be honest, I didn't like you
that much at any point, so...

You've got a new boyfriend, haven't you?

Just tell me.

I'm going to walk away. Leave me alone.

- I'll always love you, Ruth.
- Fuck off!

- Give us a ring.
- Fuck off, Jeremy!

Any time. I like your outfit, by the way.

It look s really nice on you.

Women, eh?

Flower Duet from Lakme

Like a leaf falling
from a tree I fell for you.

Gradual. Then suddenly.

My insides melt.

Your eyes, eyebrows, nose, mouth.
Everything leading to now.

In the lake my shattered reflection.

The mirror pieces of heartbreak

Be still then passion.

She has turned away like the winter.

My inberrating love

As it warms the clear shafts of
sunlight penetrate

your moist fanny with my stiff
meaty love-rocket

Fucking bitch!

Like I say you can stay
here as long as you like.

Yeah cheers Tol

Sad, you know, when you've been
with someone a long time.

Well, she should have thought of
that before she nagged me to death.

I'm a youg man. I'm only 31 , 32.

I don't need it. You know what I mean?

I still ain't got over, you know,
when Linda left me.

You know what my first thought was?

"Great, I can shag loads of birds now."

But, like, my second thought was, "Who?"

Who can I shag? Who exactly am I
going to be shagging?

All kinds of thoughts go racing
through your mind.

Linda was shagging a mental
patient behind my back.

I remember, yeah.

I tell you what, I'm going to be
sliding down a very steep learning curve.

No doubt about it.

But from now on, that's it.

Is's just going to be fanny, blow
jobs, big tits and...

you know, beer.

That's the kind of lifestyle I want.

- Sandwich?
- Cheers, mate.

Dreaming Of You

What's up with my heart when it skips a beat?

Skips a beat.

Can't feel no pavement right under my feet

Under my feet.

Up in my lonely room Wah-oooh

When I'm dreaming of you

Oh, what can I do? Wah-oooh

I still need you, but

I don't want you now...

All right, mate, is er...Poppy in?

No, she's not.

That's a shame. Is she all right, though?

Who are you?

Sorry, mate. I'm Dave.

I'm an old friend of Poppy's.
What time are you expecting her back?

Not till late. She's at work.

Can you give her a message?

What?

- Have you got a pen and a bit of paper?
- Look, just tell me.

- You must have some paper.
- Oh, Jesus Christ!

This is important!

All right, the message is from me, Dave.

That's D-A-V-E.

Just say, with respect to the
threesome - yeah? Just put threesome.

With respect to the threesome, it's a thumbs-up.

Is's just that she asked me if I'd
be interested but, you know,

I was still with my wife at the time, so er...

Mind you, I'm going back a bit now.

I've not seen Poppy for a couple of years.

You know, she could be...

- You're not her husband, are you?
- No.

- This is her mam's house, in't it?
- Yeah.

- Who are you, then?
- I'm her brother.

Ooh, nice one. Brother.

How did that come about, then?

What do you mean?

Yeah, if you could pass the
message on, that would be great.

I'll just write my number down.

There you go.

How's your mam, anyway?

She died last year.

What a shame.

Anyway, get Poppy to give us a
ring as soon as she gets back

cos I've just split up with my wife.

Last night, actually.

Is's taking me a while to adjust,
so a threesome with your sister would be superb right now.

Tell her it's urgent!

Orgasm Addict

Well, you tried it just for once,
found it all right for kick s

But now you found out that it's a
habit that stick s

And you're an orgasm addict

You're an orgasm addict

Sneaking in the back door with
dirty magazines

Now your mother wants to know what
all those stains on your jeans are.

And you're an orgasm addict

You're an orgasm addict

Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha

Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha

You get in a heat, you get in a sulk

But you still keep a-beating your
meat to pulp...

Yeah? Wow. What else are you wearing?

Oh, God! Really?

What? What am I wearing?

Erm...a brown jumper.
A pair of trousers I got off my dad.

They didn't fit him.
He got them out the catalogue

and didn't send them back, so I had them.

Linda, my ex-wife, she used to
quite like me in these trousers.

Yeah, she just pissed off one day.

Never rung me or anything.

I've heard she's been done for
shoplifting, which...

Hello? Hello?

Have you finished, Tolly? You're
putting me off my breakfast.

Excuse me, mate.

How much are your plastic twats?

- Fifty quid.
- Right.

What do you use to erm...
What do you put inside it?

Your cock.

No, I meant to make it all slippery.

Do you put, like, margarine in it
or something?

There's tubes of KY Jelly.
Next to the vibrators.

Yeah, but it doesn't taste of
anything, does it?

You're not supposed to eat it, mate.

No, no.

Obviously.

But is there anything else?

Is there anything that's got a more...
proper fanny flavour?

Yeah. A proper fanny.

Leave your message
now

All right guys. My name's Nigel Tolly

My mates call me Tolly.

I'm average, 26, divorced.

I look er...OK. Normal.

I haven't got a moustache, anything like that.

I like takeaway meals, renting
videos and I used to have a motorbike.

Sold it to a mate of mine.
He didn't look after it.

Still, that's another story.

I have my own...apartment.

With future fridge et cetera

Gas central heating.

I'm really looking for a girl who
enjoys dirty sex acts.

Any size, any age, any colour.

No sex-change people.
I must specify that.

And I like putting jam on people.
I've got to get that across. Is's very important.

So please send photos to my box number

or leave a message if you want
strawberry jam put on your areas.

I will, of course, buy you a drink
and a meal.

That's about it, girls.
Get dialling now. OK.

Three women at once.

And I bet he's got a few cans of
beer in that fridge for later on.

My cousin's been killed in a car crash.

- Has he?
- Yeah.

Nice bloke, he was.
He lent us £500 the other week.

I won't have to pay that back now, will l?

No, if somebody dies, it's their
fault, in't it?

Yeah.
Shame for his wife and kid, and that,

but for me personally...
it's worked out all right.

Here we are look.

- Nice.
- All right, girls?

Fuck off!

A Message To You, Rudy

Oh, come on, Ferris.
Just get it over with.

Tell him his dad's dead or I'm
going to be late.

I can't do it, Dave.

All right. Leave it to me.

I'm pretty good at this sort of thing.

Stop your messing around

Better think of your future...

Do you know your dad used to be alive?

Well, he's not any more.

Creating problems in town...

Rudy...

Where's Mummy?

Good point. Where's his mum?

She's in a coma.

A message to you...

Do you want an ice cream?

Come on, then.

Brindisi from La Traviata

Dear Ruth you cowbag

I know you are enjoying this situation.

Messing me about and getting
all this attention.

I noticed you've now changed
all your telephone numbers

your mobile, your home number
and your extension at work

as well as your email addresses
and both fax numbers.

When they ask you why I can
just imagine you saying.

"There's this man who's
obsessively in love with me you know how it is."

I bet you let everyone know
about me because it makes you look really good

in demand Wanted by me!

Well you'd better make the most of it.

You've got the kind of face
that isn't going to age very well.

Fat cheeks and piggy eyes

in a couple of years you'll be
ringing me up.

You'll be desperate and I'll
say "You had your chance darling but you blew it.

Now go away and be ugly and fat.

And honey"

You'll keep this letter in a
box as a souvenir of the times when you could attract me!

You know this is true.

And that new boyfriend of yours
I know for a fact he's seeing somebody else.

All the best Jeremy.

Just sniffs. Sniffs the
grass. In a minute, he'll see something he wants to play with.

Come on, baby.

Yeah.

- Yeah.

Oi! Fuck off!

Fuck off!

Bobby!

Bobby!

Bobby!

Bobby!

OK. I'm going to chop your fucking
head off, mister.

Send you back in a fucking carrier bag.
See how she likes that.

Don't move.

There.

How do you like this situation, then, eh?

You scared? You fucking scared? Are you?

Right.

This was a really stupid thing to do.

I Feel Happy

All right.

Put your hands up if you're going
to shag two women this afternoon.

Are you?

Just got a message from Poppy.
Can't believe it.

I'm having a threesome today.

Can I come?

- No
- Wouldn't be a threesome then.

No, but...

- Congratulations, mate.
- Cheers.

- Yeah, nice one, Dave.
- Cheers, Tol.

I can't believe it. A threesome!

You deserve it mate.

Yeah, I do, don't I?

They want to sort the
parking out round here.

Is's hopeless.
You should have permit parking or something.

Go in there with Kevin.
I'll only be a minute.

Right.

Kevin? Who's Kevin?

Is's a threesome, Dave.
You need three people.

Yeah, but I thought it would be me
and two women.

Yeah, I bet you did.

- All right, mate?
- All right.

Where did you park?

Actually, l... I got the bus.

My car's off the road at the minute.
I had er...a bump.

I've been driving round for ages.

- I haven't kept you waiting, have I?
- No. I got here early.

You know, I like to soak up the
atmosphere.

Turn off the mobile.

Yeah. How do they work, these things?

I wouldn't want to hazard a guess.

Is's like space age.

Is's all them aerials. You see 'em
on the motorway. Is's like a network. Like the radio.

Yeah, but the radio - how does that work?

How does music travel through the air

then get into the radio and come
back out again?

I-I-I'd imagine it's the same
system as the phones.

Could be, yeah.

I saw that Adrian Chiles in the
pub and I asked him about it.

He didn't have a clue, and he's on
the BBC.

Lives near Redditch. Lovely house.

He's quite a nice bloke, actually.

Told us that he's loaded, like.

He said he doesn't get out of bed
for less than two grand.

He just stays in bed if no-one pays him?

Yeah. Think so.

His pyjamas must stink.

Actually, there was a funny smell in that pub.

I reckon this bed's seen a bit of action.

All the joints are loose.

You need an Allen key.

Tighten 'em up, and it'll be right as rain.

Hello boys!

You haven't got an Allen key, have you?

I've got vibrators, dildos,

handcuffs...

Is's just...we really need an Allen key.

What for?

- Well...
- Dave! Don't worry about it.

Let's...

Right yeah!

- No problem.
- Fancy a spit roast?

Yeah! I do.

I've only had a sandwich for my dinner.

Everybody was kung fu fighting

Those cats were fast as lightning

In fact, it was a little bit frightening

But they fought with expert timing

There were funky Chinamen

From funky Chinatown

They were chopping them up

They were chopping them down

Is's an ancient Chinese art

And everybody knew their part

From a feint into a slip

And a kicking from the hip

Everybody was kung fu fighting...

I like cauliflower and I like cheese...

..but I don't like cauliflower cheese.

Same with me. I like apples and I
like toffee but I don't like toffee apples.

But then...l don't like actual tomatoes,

but I love tomato sauce.

Is's just weird.

Are you two going to shut up, or what?

Sorry, love.

- Is's Dave.
- Cheers, mate.

I don't care who it is, just shut
up and concentrate.

I'm doing all the work here.

Let's just get it finished.

I can't "finish" just like that.
I need some stimulation.

Come on, Dave. Let's step it up a gear.

Have you got any porn mags?

Just put some elbow grease into it.

Aye! There you go!

Ferris is that you?
- Yeah.

Come here a minute.

Erm...

Look at this

- What?
- I want to show you something.

- What is it?
- I won't bite you!

I got my photos back.

Oh. Oh, right.

What do you think of that?

What is it, the moon? Look s like
the surface of the moon.

How can it be the moon? I haven't
been to the moon, have l?

- I don't know.
- Is's my arse.

- Oh, right.
- I got one of them throwaway cameras.

Here y'are. Guess what that is.

- Oh, Jesus.
- Might get that one enlarged.

Listen, Joan, I've got to...

Don't you want to take your trousers down?

- No.
- Why not?

Is's cold.

I'll put the fire on. There's a
hell of a draught coming from this door.

I've got a new bra.

Look, Joan, the thing is, I-I like
living here and everything,

it's just that I don't want to...

That is a nice bra.

Shall we strangle the hamster?

All right. Just once more, then.

I Feel Happy

A-ha-ha Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

A-ha-ha Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I don't know if we can get higher

But tell me why you're dressed in black

Life is short and full of flowers

If you know you'll reach the sky

I feel happy

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I feel happy

Yeah, yeah, yeah

- All right, mate?
- All right.

What happened here?

- Crazy paving.
- This ain't crazy paving, Ferris.

This is just shit.

I was trying to...you know.

You haven't got, like, any
artistic vision here, have you?

Is's just a random fucking big mess.

Is's crazy paving.
You just bung slabs down on the floor.

No. I think you've focused too
much on the crazy aspect

and not enough on the paving side of it.

Have you come round to have a go
at my crazy paving?

- No, but...
- What do you want, then?

Nothing.

You're standing on my string.

What type of concrete are you
using? Cos you know there's different types.

You're getting on my nerves.

I'm just saying, there's different
types of concrete!

Use the wrong one and...you're fucked!

Is's just ordinary concrete.

Tolly is driving me round the twist.

He never stops wanking.
I just had to get out of there.

You want to try living here, with Joan.

24 hours a day, it's either blow
jobs or crazy paving.

Look at us.
Half eleven on a Saturday morning.

It isn't right. We're youg blokes.

We shouldn't be stood here like this.
We should be living lives to the full.

We should be down the pub.

Threesomes are a great innovation,
no question of that.

Is's the other bloke being there
that, you know...

I'd rather it were me and two
women, but that's more difficult to organise.

Yeah, women get a bit narked when
you try and involve another bird.

They take umbrage.

I don't want to sound like a
complete poof, but...

I used to like talking to my wife.

Did you?

I know it's weird,

but her little face chatting away
and then you say something.

You know, like...
pretending that you're listening.

Is's nice when a woman looks at
you like that, you know.

Appreciative.

That's what I'm going to miss.

Are you all right, mate?

Yeah, yeah. I'm just at that stage
in my life where I just feel, you know...

really...hungry.

Please enter your
four-digit number.

Welcome to the Sexy Singles call exchange.

Your personal fun box is empty.

I want one of them
golden showers.

I want you to like piss on me,

then I want to do a 69

but first I want to put some of
this strawberry jam on your twat so I can lick it off.

Then I want another girl with a
strap-on dildo shaggin' me up the arse

while you're doing yourself with a vibrator

and then you both toss me off.
How much will that be?

Well, let's see.

Where's my price list?

Customer providing own jam

..double toss off...

plus VAT...

Let's call it 200.

£200?

- That's cheap
- Bloody hell.

How much did you want to spend?

What do you get for 20 quid?

I'll show you my tits.

That's 20 quid? I can get 13 pints
of beer for 20 quid.

- Go on, then.
- All right, then, I will.

And I'll toss myself off, for free.
Thank you very much.

Don't forget your jam.

Oh, yeah.

Thank s, love.

Can I see your arse for a fiver?

- No.
- All right. Ta-ra, then, love.

Ta-ra a bit.

You coming for a pint?

Can't, mate.
I'm going down the hospital.

I'm taking Matthew to see his mum.

- The one in the coma with the big tits?
- Yep, that's her.

I bet there's some cracking nurses there.

There is, mate. That's why I'm going.

You know what nurses are like.

Buy 'em a drink and some chips and
they'll do anything.

She's much thinner than before.

I don't think they eat much in a coma.

They don't eat anything, do they?

I thought it was, like, astronaut
food down a pipe.

Yeah, that's it. That's it, I think.

- You reckon they're quite big?
- Oh, yeah.

Not bad.
Nice.

I need the toilet.

What do you want? Number 1 or number 2?

Number 3.

Come on, Matthew.

I'll take him to get some sweets.

All right, mate.

- All right, love?
- Yeah, thanks. You?

You remember Ferris, don't you, Mum?

- Who?
- Ferris. Julie's husband. The wedding.

Hello, Rose. How are you doing?

- Your taxi's here, Mum.

Ferris. Oh, yes. Ferris.

Got everything? Have you got your stick?

Joan says you've got a big cock.

- Mum!
- What?

Show it to her, Ferris.

- What?
- Show her your thing.

No!

Ferris! She doesn't get out much,
she's practically bedridden.

Oh, come on, Ferris.

- Joan!
- Don't be such a spoilsport, Ferris.

You've had a lot of generosity
from this family, living here rent-free.

I don't ask for much in return.

Well, hurry up.

Wow!

I told you.

When it's stiff it's like a rolling pin.

- Can I touch it?
- Yeah, go on, have a feel.

Ohhh!

If I was 50 years youger...

- Put it in your mouth.
- Joan!

I can't get down there with my back.

Stand on a chair, Ferris.

I'm not standing on a chair.

Taxi for Rose

Just coming love.

Has he gone to get a chair?
- No he's.

Let's get you home.
They'll be wondering where you've got to.

It's shepherd's pie
tonight.

Ooh lucky you!

You can't stay here long.

No, I know.
Is's only for a couple of nights.

I was thinking of buying my own place,

but if I just move them jars of
gherkins out the way, I could sleep on that shelf.

Well, if I'm going to do you a favour,

there might be a favour you can do for me.

All right, then, yeah. No problem.

Mop that floor, you bitch.

I feel like a right cunt doing this.

Keep going. Keep going!

One Way Love

That's pretty clean now.

Go and find

Oh!

The kind of girl

Who think s you're the only

Guy in the world

No more half kisses

That's bad enough

No more teardrops

No more one-way love

One-way love

Is's harder for someone

Who likes to love fast

You know that kind of love

Will never last

If she's fast and furious

That can be rough

You'll never have one-way love

One-way love...

Starry-eyed

Why am I so starry-eyed?

Do us your trick, Bobby. Go on.

Clever boy. Go on, do us another one.

Where'd you learn to do that?

I love you Bobby You're just
such a smashing little dog.

I'm sorry I tried to kill you.

I wouldn't do it now.

I just really want to...you know,
go to the park with you and spend all my time with you.

I love you, Bobby.

You're just a fantastic little
dog, aren't you? Bobby?

Bobby! Bobby, come back.

Bobby, where are you going? Bobby!

When we touch I hear angels
sing Starry-eyed

When we kiss I hear wedding bells ring...

This is Bobby. Say hello.

All right, mate?

- You know what you get from a dog?
- Dog shit.

Unconditional love.

Is it yours?

Actually, it's Ruth's.

She's away. She's in...Switzerland.

So I'm looking after little Bobby.

Well, don't, you know, while she's away.

Don't start shagging it, cos she'll find out.

They always find out.

I know why I'm starry-eyed

Starry-eyed and mystified

All my dreams are coming true

Just because I'm so in love with you

Oh, hello! What's his name?

Er, Bobby. Like Bobby Dazzler.

Aw.

Say hello, Bobby. Say hello to erm...

I'm Shelley. This is Crystal.

Hello, Crystal.

- Don't do that, Crystal.

- Bobby, stop it!
- Crystal, stop it!

Bobby, stop it!

I lived in...Africa for a while.

Out there you soon learn to
respect wild animals, you know.

Lions, tigers,

hippos.

Whereabouts in Africa were you?

The er...safari district.

Right. Yeah.

I'd love to go on a safari.

It was Kenya, where I was.

You'd love it there.
Is's like solid jungle, you know.

You open your curtains in the
morning and there's giraffes everywhere.

I love animals.

So do I. They're great.

Bobby!

Bobby!

Bobby!
- What is it?

Shit.

Sorry, what... what is it?

Oi! You!

- Be nice to go out for a drink or something.
- Yes.

- Nice to meet you. Bye.
- Bye.

- That man stole my dog.
- Did he?

What are you doing?

- Is's the gherkin man.
- What's this all about?

Take no notice of him, he's just
the potato man.

What's he doing up there?

Trying to get some sleep, so just
deliver your gherkins and piss off.

Don't tell me to piss off or I'll
come up and smack your face in for you.

- You don't have to get all...
- Forget him, he's just a prat.

I'm not taking any lip from a potato man.

I know it's OK

You signed for them gherkins, love?

Hang on a minute.
That's my shelf!

Oi! Potato man!

You been messing about with my gherkins?

No. This is... this is the vinegar shelf.

I don't think so.

They're just shelves.
Can everybody just leave it?

Listen, potato boy, you keep your
hands off my gherkins, all right?

- See you in a fortnight, love.
- Yeah. OK.

What's all that about?

Look what you've done now.
You've upset the gherkin man.

Do you know what? This is all bollocks.

You treat this place like an hotel.

Is's about time you realised,
Ferris, this is a chip shop, and don't you forget it.

- Well, if that's how you want it, then...

I Feel Happy

I got flowers,

I got chocolates for a special girl.

- What are you after?
- Nothing.

I thought we could go for a walk.

I haven't really had time to talk
to you that much.

So that's your game, is it? Talking.

I thought it'd be nice
- just me and you.

Have a nice...conversation.
Go for a quick walk round the park.

I hardly know you. I'm not going
to go walking round the park with you.

All right, then, forget it.

I'm having a few people round next
week for group sex, if you're interested.

No, I... I think I'm busy that day.

What day is it?

Tuesday.

No, I... I don't think so, you know.

Please yourself.

Right, well, I'd...better make a move.

- Yeah, see you.
- Yeah.

I've always fancied you.

- Have you?
- Yeah.

You've got your own house, haven't you?

Yes.

How many bedrooms you got?

Three. Why?

I bet it's...nice and clean, isn't it?

I've only got half an hour, you know!

Right. OK. Well...

I thought, you know, we'd...start
with some penis work.

Like what?

How does a blow job sound?

I don't do that.

Course you do.

No, I don't like it.

But it's great.
Is's...standard procedure.

Would you do it?

Yes, I would.
If it'd make the other person happy.

Well, not me.

What if I put strawberry jam on it?

You're only a potato man.
I won't do anything weird.

What do you mean, only a potato man?

You've really spoilt the atmosphere now.

You smell of chips but I weren't
going to say anything.

You're a stupid idiot.

Your hair smells of pickled onions.

Well, you've got a horrible face.

I'm not going to get anything out
of you, am I?

Not now, no.

I'm sorry, love.

Look...I'll settle for a hand job.

You'll be lucky.

- Well, how about some free chips?
- Piss off, Dave.

So what do you reckon my chances
are with whatsit?

I wouldn't get your hopes up, Dave.

She's only been out the coma a
couple of week s.

She'll still be pissed off about
her husband being dead and that.

So you're saying play it cool,
sort of thing.

Yeah, I can do that.

Is's lovely and clean, innit?

- Is's a nice house you've got here, Helen.
- Thanks.

Steve was pretty good with the
decorating.

That was one of his things.

I'm sorry for you about what
happened to him.

A motorway pile-up, it's terrible.

I heard it was a really nice car
an' all.

What was it, a Renault?

Thought we'd just come round, see
how you are.

If there's anything we can do.

Well, thanks for the potatoes.

There's plenty more where
they come from.

We'll see you all right.
Don't you worry.

Oh, and that £500 you owe us, Ferris,

I could really do with it right now!

If you've got it, that is.

Course, yeah.

It must be really difficult for
you right now.

But no use crying over spilt milk,
is there?

You've got to...
You need a man about the place.

Yeah, well, Phil's been very good
to me the past few weeks.

Phil? Phil who?

All right, lads?

What are you doing here?
- I live here.

Since when?

Phil delivers biscuits to the hospital.
That's how we met.

Fancy a biscuit, Dave? Ferris?

No.

So, how's life been treating the potato men?

- Look out, Phil, there's a wasp!
- Where?

Ferris, the gherkin man means nothing to me.

I was just trying to make you jealous.

Seeing you with that other girl
made me realise you're not a bad bloke.

Well, I didn't even know her name, to be honest.
That was just a...

I can see us making a go of it.

Not just shagging in this crappy
old storeroom all the time.

I'm talking about something more.

Like what?

We could do it lying down. On a bed.

I like the sound of that.

My husband's away for a few days.

Why don't you come back to the
house tonight? We've got a big double bed, fluffy carpets.

If you bring some cans of beer,
I'll bring some leftover pies

and we'll make a night of it.

Ace.

This is better than that stinky
old stockroom, innit?

Yeah, it's all right. When's your husband back?

Oh, not for ages.

Monday, I think.
Is's a long drive from Poland.

- What's he doing there?
- Smuggling.

- Smuggling?
- Yeah, smuggling...motorbikes.

Is he?

I'm thinking of buying a moped.

Shit!

Fucking hell!

- I thought he was in Poland.
- Erm...

Listen, Ferris.

You breathe one word of this to
anybody, you're dead. Right?

OK. I'll...
I'll just get dressed and go and...

You ain't going anywhere.
You finish what you started.

- How do you mean?
- Come on. Get on with it.

Shag my wife, Ferris, or you're in
big trouble.

Don't make me come out there,
Ferris! I'm warning you!

I hope my husband doesn't catch us.

- This is out of order.
- Shut up, Ferris.

- You said he was in Poland

He's in the fucking wardrobe.

If he finds out, he's going to
punish me real bad.

You and me are finished, I'm
telling you.

Oh, use me. Use me!

Like the slutty wife I am.

That should fucking do it.

- Am I being held prisoner?
- No!

Well... A little bit.

But it's just a game.

- Is it?
- Look!

Any more shit from you, sunshine,
and I'll drown you in the bath like I did that sackful of kittens.

That really turned me on.

What?

Is's a game.

You're not going to drown me, are you?

I'll punch you in the fucking face
if you don't shut it.

I thought you liked having sex with me.

Not like this. This is...

This is how I like it.

Next time, we'll do whatever you want.
I'll do anything you want.

- Think of something.

There is one or two things I
wouldn't mind trying.

I've got some right stuff in store
for you over the next few week s, Ferris. Oh, yes.

Some really fucked-up shit.

Get him down in the basement.

Come on.

- What do you keep in the basement?
- Come on.

- Have you got a pool table?
-

If I can't see you,

you can't see me.

If my husband walk s in here now
and catches us, we're dead.

If the rope break s, we're dead.

Oh! Who wants salt and vinegar?

Oh, God. No.

Ahhhh!

Fu...

I had to park bloody miles away.

And they've dug up Old Ford Road again.

Got the Allen key, by the way.

No wonder I couldn't get parked.

We could do with a couple more
girls in here, couldn't we?

Yeah.

Where did you park, then?

Right outside. Got here early.

Is that your Ford Galaxy out
there, the blue one?

- Yeah.
- What's it like? All right?

Is's a decent motor. Feels safe,
know what I mean? For the kids, and that.

- Is there any more beer left?
- No. Is's all gone.

- There's wine.
- Wine? Who drink s fucking wine?

How much longer you going to be,
mate? There's people queuing up here.

What number you got?

5.

Well, you're all right.

1 1 . Is's typical.

What have we come here for?

This is where I met Vicky.
Is's a good night in here on a Saturday.

But it's only quarter past one.

Is's like a trip down memory
lane for me.

Or it would be if I could remember
anything about it.

I'd had a few that night.

Never going to pick up any birds
in here, mate.

It'll be all right. We'll have a
couple of pints and then...it will pick up a bit later.

Backing track to Come On, Eileen

Come on, Eileen!

These people round here

Wear beaten-down eyes...

..resigned to what their fate is

My mother cried!

No never.

We are far too youg and clever
Much too youg and clever

Come on, Eileen

Too-ra loo-ra, too-ra loo rye aye

Come on, Eileen

Come on, Eileen

I swear now, Eileen

At this moment Dirty!

You mean everything Everything

Pretty white dress

Oh, you're verging on...dress

Oh, you're dirty!

Oh, come on, Eileen

That pretty red dress.

Oh, I swear...
Tell me yes.

Oh, you're dirty

Oh, come on, Eileen...dirty

Yeah

The washing machine, there's still
water coming out of it.

Probably a...leak...

of some kind.

How have you been?

Great. Everything's great.

You know, things are really starting to...

They're continuing to be great

So er

You all right, then?

Yeah. You all right?

Yeah. Great.

Everything's...great.

You know, if you want me back, I
can move in straightaway.

Let's just leave things as they are.

Whatever it is you want me to do,
I'll do it.

At Tolly's there's never anything to eat.

He's dirty I want to come home.

I don't want to live with Tolly.
I want to live with you and Katie.

Well, you can't.

Why not?

Is's not as simple as that.

You know the person I feel sorry
for in all this...

is me.

Hello.

Whatever that woman told you about
me, it's not true.

You stole her dog.

That boyfriend of hers, he's not
right in the head.

I never stole any dog.

That's...no...

Actually, yes, I did steal the dog,

but...you...can't know what I went
through with all that.

I've got my own dog now.

She messed me about rotten.
I was just trying to get my own back.

I know what you're thinking, but...

you don't know what I've been
through with that woman.

- Come on, Spike.
- No I...I do

I do know what you've been through.
I know exactly how you feel.

Do you?

How do you mean?

He'd been seeing her for five weeks.
I didn't ever twig.

I just thought, "That's not right."

Then I found out he was taking her
to Paris for the weekend.

I still had the keys to his house so...

I went round there...

I went into the kitchen and I'd
got some of

Crystal's you know dog mess
that I'd collected in the park.

And before that I'd collected
quite a lot from other dogs.

I put some in the bienden

added some water and erm.

Colli had this high-powered waterpistol.

And I knew it was a mad thing to do but

after the way he treated me I
just didn't care.

I just thought "Fuck him."

I did every room in the house.

That was a year ago.
You can still smell it.

Yeah, well, nothing smells quite
like a house full of dog shit.

With erm... With Ruth...

I told her I was a dentist.

Kept it up for months.

She thought it was great.

I told her I had my own dental
practice.

And her mam and dad were pretty
impressed as well.

But when she found out I worked
in the potato distributior business which is what I do

she went spane.

Called me a liar which is fair
enough I suppose,

A few days later she rang me up
but that was that.

I tried to talk to her but she
wasn't having any of it.

I don't care any more anyway.

I'm a potato man. That's what I do.

Doesn't make me a bad person.

Would you like to see my horse?

Phew!

- Well, well!

Your fun box has one
new message.

Hiya Tolly my name's
Gloria.

I really like your message.
You sound like you're up for a laugh.

Fucking yes! Yes!

This is very nice, Gloria, thanks
for this.

Good idea, get to know each other.
I haven't been to a party for ages.

- How come?
- Dunno. Don't get invited to any.

Gloria, hello! Come on in, nice to
see you!

Told you I'd make it!

- Nice to see you.
- All right, mate. Been swimming?

- Eh?
- Don't matter.

- Is this what I think it is?
- Depends. What do you think it is?

Is's obviously some sort of towel party.

Is's a sex party.

Fucking hell! Honestly?

Hey, I've heard about these.
Is's like, anything goes.

Is's like a big orgy. Brilliant!

What a sight

Is's got a certain style

Hits the spot

Hits it right

Take your chance

Don't miss out, it's so near

Grab it, now's the time, cos it's here

Plat du jour

Served right up for you

One tasty dish

Is's a cure

Keep on track

And now it's right on stream

It'll keep you

Ahead of the pack

Don't miss out

How was that then?

Was that what you wanted?

Yeah, it was great, yeah. Thanks.

You don't sound very happy about it.

No, I'm just, you know.

- Do you want to do it some more?
- No, that was... That was it.

I could do with a cup of tea, actually.

All this jam.

Sleeping here now, are you?

Yeah

That chip shop -
I got my fingers burnt there, mate.

- Did you?
- Yeah. Look.

Trying to get a pound coin out the
fat-fryer.

- Bet it hurt.
- Did.

And I nearly got beat up by big
fat Gordon.

I've warned you about him.

He catch you with his missus, did he?

Yeah, something like that.

You want to keep a low profile.

I'm gonna. Anyway, have a look at this.

- What do you reckon?
- Oh, magic.

Funky moped.

I see what's going on here.

You've had enough of women for
t'time being and it's going to be you and the moped for a bit,

so you're... you're expressing
yourself in a different way.

No, mate. This is a fanny magnet.

I'm gonna be knee-deep in pussy
with this thing.

- What did it cost you?
- Nothing.

I borrowed it off a mate of mine.

I'm thinking of buying it, though.

You reckon I should get one?

- Is's up to you.

Give us a go, then.

- That's the accelerator.
- Yeah, I know.

- Is's nice, innit?
- Yeah.

Oh, fuck!

Dave! Dave!

Fuck!

There,
There, My Dear

Just say a situation occurred that
was out of your hands.

You know, human error.

Police horse sat on it. That'll do.

He's 24. He'll understand.

You should pay for the repairs.

Here he comes. Just act normal.

- All right, Ferris?
- All right, Beans.

So what do you think, then? You
buying my moped?

Erm...

What do you think, Dave?

I'm going for a piss.

Is's hardly done any miles.
Is's a bargain.

Yeah. All right, then, I'll have it.

Nice one, Ferris.
I'll see you later on in the week.

I've got to get off, I'm with Debs.

- Yeah, I'll settle up with you when I see you.
- Sorted.

Piss off, Dave. Leaving me to sort it out.

I want a word with you. Outside.

She's in the back seat.

You want me to give her one?

Yeah.

Where are you going to be?

Never you mind.

What you waiting for? Want some of
this? Eh?

Get in there.

Come on!

I'm going to have flat beer because of you.

If my husband finds out about us...
in the back of his car

doing it doggy-style,

he'll put me across his knee.

This is the last time I'm
doing this.

Use me. Use me.

- You're using me.
- Shut up, Ferris, you tart.

Just think of my big fat husband.

And what he'll do to me if he finds out.

My big...fat...husband.

Right. That's it.

I've had enough of this.

Ferris?

- Ferris!

Dave.

Come here!

What do you think you're doing?

Tell him, Dave.
Tell him to leave me alone.

This ain't nowt to do wi' me, Ferris.

Get back in the car, you.

Dave, I'm asking you to help me.

- What are you doing, Gordon?
- None of your business.

Dave!

What? I don't even know what's going on!

- Keep your mouth shut, Ferris.
- No Gordon!

I don't care if you beat me up,
I'm not doing this any more.

- We'll see about that.
- No. If I carry on doing this, stuff like this,

it's going to put me off sex for
life, and that's not going to happen.

OK? My sex life...is all I've got.

- I'm not doing it, Gordon.
- Yeah, you tell him, Ferris.

And if you've got a problem with
that, me and Dave are going to beat you up, aren't we, Dave?

Dave?

Yeah, that's right.
D-Don't mess with the potato men.

You're a pair of fucking idiots!

Yeah, well, you're locked in the
boot of your car.

You'd better let him out or he'll go mad.

Yeah, I suppose so.

You dickhead!

I opened the boot to show there's
no hard feelings!

Why don't you both just fuck off?

All right, we will!

Come on, Dave.

Gordon's bottle went, didn't it?

It was when you said, "Don't mess
with the potato men."

Yeah, I wish I hadn't said that now.
Sounds stupid.

You're going to have to get that
moped repaired.

- Yeah, I'll pay for it.
- Good. I'm still thinking of buying it.

Fuck it, I am going to buy it.
I'm buying a moped.

- Is's got a big dent in it.
- Don't care. I'm buying a moped.

Joan?

What's going on?

- Not you again?
- What do you want, Ferris?

Nothing.

I thought you might like to see my
moped.

He's got a massive cock.

Thank you Er.

Thank you. Thank s. Erm...

I just want to say thank s for
coming at short notice

to this occasion to celebrate that
me and Shelley have got engaged.

Erm... Is's been a whirlwind romance.

We're both madly in love.

Shelley's what I've been looking
for all my life.

And she's got what she's always
been looking for -

a potato man.

Seriously... Er...thank s.

Erm... Here's to me and Shelley.

Cheers.

There's plenty of crisps and nuts
if you er...want to er...

A bit of all right, that Shelley,
isn't she?

She keeps looking over here.

I think she fancies me.

Don't be stupid.

Why can't I find a nice sensible
girl like that?

Yeah, I know. Is's not fair, is it?

I'm moving my stuff into Tolly's tonight.

Yeah, you'll like it.
He's er... He's got a nice place.

Is's good timing for me, you
moving out and that.

I needed to move on.

Start a new chapter. Make a fresh start.

- Sleeping in the van?
- Yeah.

Be all right.

Is's only for a couple of nights,
though, cos I think I've found somewhere new.

Is's temporary, but it's better
than the van.

Where's that, then?

Where?

Bluey-green's always been my
favourite colour.

Is's very er...

Is's very nice, Joan.

And it's see-through.

Yeah, that reminds me, I'm going
to have to trim that hedge.

Ready for another one?

Not really.

I've really got to have a decent
break between each one or I'll injure myself.

I'll do a bit of crazy paving for an hour.

Sod, the crazy paving, I've got needs!

Joan, honestly, I'm drained.

I need to get some fresh air.

What about a quick shower?

No thanks!

Hello, chicken!

What are you doing?

Is's so you don't have to walk on t'grass.
Is's called crazy paving.

Is's funny-looking.

It's nice!

Ferris told me you were here.

He came rourd to see me

He's worried about you.

- Is he?
- Yeah

And he hates living at Tolly's place.

All them horrible smells...and rats.

He's got rats.

Could do with a bit of a clean-up,
that place.

If you come back, I'm not standing
for any nonsense.

I know.

You're a dad.
And that's what you've got to be.

Yeah, th-that's what I want to do.

And you've got to help me.

I will, I swear.

Come on, Katie.

We've got to go.

You coming?

Hands Up

Hands up! Hands up!

I was about 13, I think. Late starter.

12. I was 12.

What about you, Tolly? When did
you have your first wank?

Oh, er... Half past seven.

Then another one about...quarter to nine.

Here's your film back, mate.

- What's that? Lord Of The Rings?
- No, Spunk Guzzlers Drenched In Piss.

Cheers.

Porn. You can't beat it.

They spend millions making normal
films with special effects and that.

I reckon 99% of people would
rather watch hardcore porn than any other type of film.

I think you're right. If you were
on a desert island and could only have one film,

you're not going to want Return Of
The Fucking Jedi, are you?

You want one with a bird in it

with a nice juicy fanny and a big
pair of tits.

Is's common sense, isn't it?

You know what I'd like?

I'd like to be able to detach my
knob, take it right off,

then I could get both ends sucked
at once.

I'd like to get a giant panda,
kill it, then fuck it.

Why do you want to do that?

Dave, if you don't kill it, it's
going to bite you!

They, like, maul you, pandas.

I think it's all that
black-and-white fur and that great big arse.

Has anyone seen my dog?

Come On, Eileen

Come on, Eileen

Come on, Eileen

Poor old Johnny Ray

Sounded sad upon the radio

Moved a million hearts in mono

Our mothers cried

And sang along, who'd blame them?

You're grown You're grown up

So grown So grown up

Now I must say more than ever

Come or Eileen

Toora loora, toora loo rye aye

We can sing just like our fathers

Come on, Eileen

Oh, I swear Well he means

At this moment

You mean everything

With you in that dress

My thoughts I confess

Verge on dirty

Oh, come on, Eileen

Come on, Eileen

These people round here

Wear beaten-down eyes sunk in
smoke-dried faces

So resigned to what their fate is

But not us No never.

No, not us No never.

We are far too youg and clever

Remember

Go, toora loora, toora loo rye aye

Eileen, I'll hum this tune for ever

Come on, Eileen

Oh, I swear Well he means

Oh, come on, let's take off everything

That pretty red dress

Eileen Tell him yes

Oh, come on, let's

Oh, come on, Eileen

That pretty red dress

Eileen Tell him yes

Oh, come on, let's

Oh, come on, Eileen, please

Come on Eileen too loo rye aye

Come on Eileen too loo rye aye

Now you are grown Toora

Now you have shown Toora too
loora

Oh, Eileen

Said, you're grown Come or
Eileen too hoo rye aye

So grown Come on Eileen too loo
rye aye

Now I must say more than ever
Toora toora too loora

Things round here will change

I said, toora loora Come or
Eileen too hoo rye aye

Toora loo rye aye Come on
Eileen too loo rye aye

Toora toora too loora

Come on, Eileen

Oh, I swear Well he means

At this moment

You mean everything

With you in that dress

My thoughts I confess

Verge on dirty

Oh, come on, Eileen

Come on, Eileen