All language subtitles for Douglas Is cancelled S01E02

Such a success Live At Six has
been. You must be thrilled.

We're absolutely over
the moon. Absolutely.

It's been fantastic.
Incredible.

There's, er, been a
tweet. What tweet?

- What's he done now?
- Told a joke.

A sexist joke. It's
all over Twitter.

Douglas, seriously,
what was the joke?

It was a wedding three days ago.

I was drinking. Why
would I remember?

It was probably just one
of your usual ones, yeah?

My usual ones? Your
usual misogynist ones.

It's got worse, though. How?

Madeline.

She retweeted the tweet
to two million people,

some of whom are press!

Why would she do
that? I mean, why?

"Don't believe this.
Not my co-presenter."

Technically, she
was defending you.

'Or she's saying
she no longer wants you

'as her co-presenter.'

Madeline's not like that.
Is she? Is she like that?

Babes, nice one today.

'We live in a world
where a newsreader's arse

'can push a war off the
front page.' Oh, Christ.

And you, my dear, are in
possession of a newsreader's arse.

You could get cancelled.

I don't want that to happen,
Dad. It would destroy me.

And me.

I'm gonna tell Madeline
to take down the tweet.

Douglas. Sorry, I need
to speak to Madeline.

How does Madeline always get
you back on side? Is she magic?

Just a
moment. Madeline.

She's not getting me
back on side this time.

I need to talk to you.

THUNDER RUMBLES

No. No! TILSON
ON PHONE: 'Why not?'

Because I'm on sodding
holiday, that's why!

Yeah, yeah, it's lovely.
Well, I think it's lovely.

I can't see three
feet out the window.

They said we had an ocean view.

PHONE PINGS I think
it's from underneath.

DOUGLAS CHUCKLES

So, either you're
telling him or Martin is,

because I'm on holiday.

Because I'm on holiday,

and we're about to
ruin a man's life,

and I don't want to have to tell
him, because it'll spoil my day...

PHONE PINGS ..and it's
already bloody raining.

Of course we have to tell
him. It's a bloody headline.

He needs to talk to his wife.

Think of his poor
wife, for God's sake.

There wasn't a way to soften it.

He went out and
banged another woman.

His choice, his life.

I mean, if it had been another man,
we could have done something moving

about him finding his true
self - a whole page of rainbows

and photos of his wife
looking brave and supportive.

We could've been progressive.

Stonewall would've been off
our backs for a whole week.

Then six months later,
you'd have run a story

about all his gay affairs
and destroyed him anyway.

He'd have had six more months,
and we'd have two stories.

Everyone's a winner.
Shut up, Douglas.

No, no, no, it's OK. I'm
just shutting up Douglas.

So, either you or Martin phone
our premier religious broadcaster

and say that God sees
all... PHONE PINGS

..and He sent us the photos, OK?

DOUGLAS CHUCKLES

Oh, come on! Do
it for me. Jesus.

It's a friend of mine
we're destroying.

How do you think it would feel,

personally destroying a
friend while I'm on holiday?

I've got a
conscience! SHE SIGHS

What does Madeline want? How
did you know it was Madeline?

This sucks. What are
you gonna do about it?

Well, it's not exactly
our fault it's raining.

But it's Dubai. Yep,
still not our fault.

I mean, Dubai. We've
not been lucky, yes.

What are we doing
here? I mean, why here?

They execute gay people,
and it won't stop raining.

Might as well be in Scotland.

They don't execute gay
people in Scotland.

They don't execute them in Dubai.
Gay people are executed everywhere.

No, they aren't. Should I list
countries where they're executed?

There's a chance I might know,
seeing as I'm a journalist.

Stop it, Dad. Not this again.

No, seriously, would you
like a list of countries

where homosexuality's
punishable by death? No.

Why not? Because it's racist.

DOOR SLAMS I think
that went well.

Because you turned your
phone over. Sorry, what?

I knew it was Madeline because
you turned your phone over.

You always turn your phone
screen away when Madeline texts.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

Well, I don't mean to.
Well, you do, every time.

Do you really not know that?

Look, there's nothing... Look,
I mean, they're just texts. OK.

I mean, you can read
them, if you want. OK.

Seriously?

Fine. Help yourself, read the
lot. There's nothing there.

Oh, I'm not reading them,
darling. I'm counting them.

No, actually, I'm giving up
counting them, there's too many.

We've been here three days.

How many times has Madeline
texted you in three days,

while you've been on holiday?

She's my friend, she
just texts me. Mm-hm.

How's Bill? Bill?

Yeah, Bill. Your best friend, Bill.
He must have texted you recently.

Oh! Not for three weeks,
actually. Funny, that.

Madeline likes texting.
I don't know why.

What does she say?

Well, it's all there,
you can read it.

Thanks, but we've only got the
room for another week and a half.

Jokes, usually.
Bitching about people.

Mm-hm. What does she
say about me? Nothing.

She doesn't even mention
you. No, I bet she doesn't.

Oh, for God's sake, Sheila,
there's nothing going on.

Nothing, as in what?

I mean, you don't think...
I'm almost twice her age.

Oh, and that's always
stopped a man, yeah?

Well, it always stopped me.

I don't think you're having
an affair with Madeline.

Oh, good, thanks for that.

But I do think she's
texting you a hell of a lot.

We work together.
You're on holiday.

So are you. How long were
you just on the phone?

OK. Yeah, OK.

She texts at lot.
That's it, that's all.

That's really all.

Go and talk to Claudia.

About what? Just
go and talk to her.

What do I say? I don't know.

HE GROANS, THUNDER RUMBLES

Tell her it rains sometimes.

When? SHEILA ON PHONE: 'Now.'

But we're just about to
have our first pre-show.

He left half an hour ago,
he'll be arriving now.

He's going straight to see Madeline.
You could've given me more warning!

I've been trying. You've
been busy all morning.

Yeah, guess what I've been doing?
Why did she have to retweet it?

What was she thinking? It's
everywhere, it's multiplying.

Jesus, I know. I was up
all night tracking it.

So was Douglas. He
didn't sleep a wink.

Yeah, well, how do you sleep
through existential terror?

It's like having Greta Thunberg
standing at the end of your bed.

No. Sorry?

Not Greta Thunberg.

OK. Is there pressure to pull
Douglas from this evening's show?

That would be seen as a
reaction. It is a reaction.

Yeah, of course it's a reaction,

but it has to be the kind of
reaction that makes it clear

we don't think there's
anything to react to

and we are not, in
fact, reacting to it.

It's a thin line. Is
he interviewing anyone?

Yeah, of course
he is. Live ones?

Er, yeah. Two warm
bodies and Michael Gove.

Anyone likely to
bring up the tweet?

It could happen. Then what?

He'll handle it. How?

With wit and charm.

How? Spontaneously.
He's got an earpiece.

We're briefing one of our comedy
guys to help him out on air.

Which one? I don't
know, one of them.

Look, it's just a safeguard.
He might need a few zingers.

I've seen him do zingers
from his earpiece,

you might as well
lip-synch a corpse.

Yeah, well, this time,
he'll have good jokes.

There's a bigger problem.

If you mean Madeline,
I'll speak to her too.

Hay. The Hay Festival.

Oh, shit. I forgot about Hay.

We've got one
week. Fucking Hay!

You gonna talk to him now?

Yeah, I'll see if he's
with Madeline yet.

He was furious when he
left, absolutely raging.

What level furious?

Jesus, Toby, I don't
have a ranking system.

Yeah, but out of ten? Emily
Maitlis with an opinion.

Oh, dear God. I'll see
if I can head him off.

I'm getting in the lift now.

Get Douglas to call me
when he's out. Yeah.

SHE SIGHS

Darth Vader. What?

Not Greta Thunberg at the
end of the bed, Darth Vader.

Funnier, trust me.

I wasn't making a
joke, I was talking.

Or Jeremy Clarkson.
Jeremy Clarkson?

Clarkson. Clarkson at the
end of the bed, classic.

How is Jeremy Clarkson
a portent of doom?

Oh, angry people love
him, post-Meghan.

No, they love him because
he's not a portent of doom.

HE SNAPS FINGERS OK!

Jeremy Clarkson and Darth
Vader. Comedy doom combo.

Plus, Vader takes the edge
off Clarkson's darkness.

Listen, it doesn't matter.

Hey, Greta Thunberg isn't
funny. We focus-grouped her.

Sorry, did you actually research

to check if Greta
Thunberg was funny?

Yeah. That was
literally the question.

Were you surprised
by the answer "no"?

In comedy, we never
know what's funny.

Is Douglas in yet? Just
pulled into the car park.

Madeline? In her
office. Thanks.

Let me give you a for-instance - you
see, "melanoma" might sound funny...

You have a name? Well,
not so much a name.

Sort of just a growing profile,

just getting a bit of traction
in the comedy arena...

No. A Christian name.

I'm not Christian,
no, er, more humanist.

What do I call
you? Oh, Morgan.

Morgan, I need you to concentrate
on jokes about Twitter for Douglas.

All over that.

He needs to sound relaxed,
witty, a good sport.

Yeah, it's all here.
Don't sweat it, baby.

Give me an example.

Oh, no, I prefer to feed my
material directly to Douglas.

No, OK, let me clarify my request -
give me an example or I'll kill you.

OK, er... CLEARS THROAT

OK, look at me. Sorry, what?

I need eye contact.
Give me an example.

No, I need to look into your
eyes when I say the joke

so I can see the kick moment.

The what?

It's the moment when
the joke kicks in

and it all comes together in
your head, a bit like an orgasm.

When a woman laughs at you
in bed, that's not an orgasm.

Sometimes it is. No.

Trust me, I...

Give me an example now. Do it.

OK, eye contact established.
Yeah, he's cooking now.

Is he ready for comedy? Yes, he is.
OK. Yeah. Right, listen to this.

No wonder they called it
Twitter - it's full of twits.

Is that it? Has the joke happened?
Because I don't think I laughed.

It's not your fault,
comedy's hard.

Douglas. Sorry, need
to speak to Madeline.

Yeah. Douglas.

"Embolism". Why isn't "embolism"
funny? It's got "ball" in.

KNOCK ON DOOR Madeline?

You see, comedy has
its own special music.

My jokes can be like a secret
code no-one understands except me.

Twitter jokes now.

I just told you a Twitter
joke. I didn't orgasm.

Sometimes, you have to
tell people they orgasmed.

You really don't.

Is it cos it's called X now?

Cos X is actually a really
difficult letter for comedy.

TOBY SIGHS

So, you OK?

HE SCOFFS No.

Don't blame you, I
wouldn't be. Grab a chair.

I don't need a chair. Can't
have you looming over me.

I don't like it when
you're looming. Sit.

I'm fine.

Are you standing because
you're cross with me?

No. Oh, good.

I hate it when you're cross.
Come on, sit down, park it.

Park it.

Madeline, I need to
say something to you.

Good. First, tell me
how you're feeling.

I'm fine.

No, no, don't just say that.
I want to know how you feel.

And don't you try to
hide anything, OK?

Because this is just
you and me, talking.

Madeline, this is not
about my feelings.

Don't be brave, of course it
is. It's about the bloody tweet!

You are cross with
me. No. Yes, you are.

No, it's not that I'm
cross, that's not the point.

You sound cross.
I'm not cross!

Then let's start again, then.

Could I just... What?

HE STAMMERS My hand.

Your hand?

Oh, Jesus. You really
are angry, aren't you?

No, I'm not angry! Listen...
Then let's talk properly.

It's just... What?

..you always do this. Do what?

With the hands. Yeah. I'm
tactile. I'm always tactile.

Well, not with everyone.
Lucky you, then.

It just looks... What? ..odd.

Odd? Yeah, odd.

Oh, oh, you mean suspicious.
Well, kind of. Yeah.

Jesus, really?

You mean people might think
we're... what? Having an affair?

Well...

What people? Blind people?
You and me, an affair?

I'm sorry... SHE LAUGHS

You're actually
older than my dad.

Yeah, I'm aware of that, Madeline,
but sometimes, people, you know...

Douglas, one of us is hot,
and one of us is clever,

and unfortunately for you,
both of those are me, so...

SHE LAUGHS ..stay
in your lane, Romeo.

I know. I... HE CHUCKLES

I know. It just...
it just looks...

I tell you what, then,
if anyone walks in,

I'll take my hands away. OK?

There you go, all safe now.

KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS

Oh, I'm so sorry.
No, no, come in.

I can come back in a
moment. No, it's not...

There's nothing...
What's up, Toby?

Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Well, when I say nothing,
I mean basically nothing

but, you know, the tweet. Ah!

Yeah. I needed to talk
really quite urgently

in the strongest possible terms
about this tweeting situation.

Oh, you're both looking so cross.
Why do men always attack in pairs?

No, I'm not gonna attack you. If
anything, I'm gonna defend you.

Oh, I need a man
to defend me, do I?

Well, no, no, no. Not
defend you or attack you.

In fact, I'm remaining
neutral in this conversation.

I'm trying to have literally
no impact on anything

that is being said in this room.

To be clear, you're here

so you can "really quite urgently"
have no impact on anything?

Yes. In the strongest
possible terms?

Thanks, Toby. I think
we can handle this.

PHONE RINGS Twitter?
More like Twatter.

Sheila? Is he with Madeline?

Yes. Did you get him out?

Well, no. They're talking.
It all seems fine.

Either you go in there with
him or you get him out.

Oh, shit. Seriously,
just get him out.

Yeah. Just a minute.

Are you wearing earpods?

Pardon?

Are you wearing earpods?

It's soothing music.

Why? Because of
all the shouting!

Do you understand why
people are shouting?

Pardon?

Do you understand
why people are shouting?!

Erm...

Social media is a
hazard, we all know that.

One wrong word at the wrong
moment, you have no idea.

Don't need the lecture, Douglas.

I'm not lecturing you,
and I'm not finished.

Tell me how you're feeling.

This is not about how I feel.

Toby tells me you can't
even remember the joke.

You and your wine.

I'm talking about your tweet.
I'm talking about you retweeting.

Yeah. Had to be done.

Listen, I realise
on a surface level,

you were defending me,
but the way this works...

Did you actually read
what I wrote? Yes.

And? It was... Yes?

Potentially... Yes?

..I'm sure entirely
unintentionally...

well, damaging.

No, it wasn't. It was
definitely damaging.

Definitely and deliberately.

Look, it was a challenge.

I expressed my confidence you
would never say anything sexist,

because otherwise,

I could never tolerate
you as my co-presenter.

Right.

So, what happens now is anyone
who heard you say anything sexist

at that wedding will now, you
know, throw it in my face.

I challenged everyone on
Twitter to prove me wrong.

And I'm a famous woman -

half the world gets a
hard-on telling me I'm wrong.

And between you and me,
so does the other half.

I mean, Jesus, your own wife...

My wife?

So, if somebody heard
your dodgy joke,

I'm gonna be the first
person they tell about it.

And we need to be first,

because apparently, you
can't remember your joke,

and everyone - everyone, Douglas
- is going to be looking for it.

We need a head start so
we can defend you. OK?

So I can defend you.

What do you mean, my wife?

You read that newspaper
thing she supposedly edits?

She actually edits.

If you get a minute,

could you ask her why me in
a bikini is a news story?

Ask her from me, woman to woman.

OK, look, the point here is -

the relevant point is
nobody's going to be out there

looking for my joke.

Oh, oh, oh, trust me, there will
be plenty of people looking.

I don't have that many enemies.
Oh, Douglas, sweet Douglas.

Do you know what the rich and the
famous have instead of enemies?

Friends.

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in!

Oh, sorry, sorry.

No, no, it's fine, come in.

If you're having a
private moment...

We're not having any
kind of private moment.

Well, if you're sure. Of
course we're bloody sure.

Good, good. Sorry about that.

Always have to be careful
with... this sort of thing.

What sort of thing?

Now, I don't want you to
worry. I'm all over this.

We need to control the spread,

get on top of the fallout,
mitigate the impact.

Does any of that
actually mean anything?

I'm not forgetting
the human element,

because that's what agenting
is about, the human element.

Show me human suffering
and I'll show you an agent.

Mind if I get a moment alone
with my favourite presenter?

Fine. OK, Douglas?

My office? Wherever you like.

Now, talk me through
how you're feeling,

because I would like to clarify
that my agency has no time

for any sort of sexist humour,

and I personally have
always struggled heroically

against the insidious
cancer of men...

What are you doing?

Leave this with me.
I'm taking care of it.

You do understand you're
my agent, not Madeline's?

Who even suggested I
should be Madeline's agent?

Where did that idea come from,

when her own agent is probably
in the building right now?

Hang on, where is Alex?

Surely he's here helping
you at this difficult time?

Tell me he's here, Madeline.
Would like me to phone him?

Bently, out. OK...

Some agents forget the
importance of their own clients,

but I always remember
the little people.

Go back to your office
or I'll fire you again,

and this time, I
won't change my mind

because you're
crying in my garden.

Look, I'm helping you.

Do you know how difficult
this is gonna get?

I was up all night
tracking it on Twitter.

Oh, you're telling me.

It's like having Darth
Vader in your bed.

I'm sorry?

And Jeremy Clarkson.
Like having both of them.

Not in your bed, at the end of
the bed, just standing there.

Who are you?

And Greta Thunberg, if you
like. The three of them.

She's just not funny,
Greta Thunberg.

Douglas, your wife wants a
word. I'll phone her back.

No, but now. I'll phone her.

He'll call you back. I
want him out of there.

They were fine. They
were completely calm.

He should be angry with her.
He's entitled to be angry.

But every time he's angry with
her, she just turns him off.

It's always the same.

He goes storming into work,
ready to lay down the law,

and comes home explaining that
Madeline was right all along.

How does she do that?
I can't do that!

Sheila, please. You don't
want them fighting, do you?

What I don't want, Toby,

is my husband wrapped around
anyone else's little finger!

That woman controls him, I
don't know how, but she does.

SHEILA'S VOICE FADES

So, that's why you did it?
That's why you tweeted?

You're saying you were
trying to help me?

Of course I was trying to help you.
What else would I be doing? OK.

Actually, I was trying
to help a whole TV show

you decided to put in jeopardy
because you got pissed at a wedding.

But yeah, I'm helping you too.

Jesus, come on. It's me.

It's me!

What, did you think I
was just trying to...

trying to fuck you over?

Don't.

Oh, my God, you did. You
thought I was fucking you over.

Look, Madeline... Get off me.

Look, if there's a problem
here, you created it.

You're drawing attention to
something that could've been -

would've been ignored.

The Hay Festival. The what?

The Hay Festival
90-minute interview. Yeah?

They've been researching
you for over a month now.

You think they haven't
been searching your name

on Twitter every day?

You think there's
the slightest chance

they didn't find that wedding
story before I even saw it?

The guy who heard your joke
- he's gone silent, yeah?

Yeah. No.

He's just talking to somebody
else - your interviewer.

You don't know that.

Of course I don't know it, it's
just an incredibly good guess.

It's not that kind of interview,
it's just a chat about my career.

It's an interview with
an industry colleague

who is less well-paid than you.

You're not chatting about
your career any more,

you're trying to save it.

So, what we need to do now is
prep you for hostile questioning

about an offensive joke you
can't even remember telling

but which has endangered
the credibility

of everyone you work with.

And all this because
basically... wine!

I wasn't that drunk.
What was the joke, then?

I don't remember.

Too drunk to remember
is "that drunk".

So, what we need to do
right now as a priority

is find out what bloody
stupid thing you said.

I'm so sorry I'm not just
clucking around you like Toby,

or... or being clinically
useless like your agent.

So, so sorry I'm
actually trying to help.

Fuck you. Seriously,
fuck, fuck you.

Say something nice.

I just got accused of stabbing
my best friend in the back

because I was
trying to help him.

Say something nice.

You're my friend
too. Your friend?

My best friend.

You and me, best friends
against the world.

That's what you said when
I started. Yeah. I know.

You've always had my back,
and now I've got yours.

You understand I'm
helping you, yeah? Yes.

You get that it's
a smart move, yeah?

Well... yeah.

Because I'm going to need
your support with Toby.

Toby's terrified of you.

Yeah. And men are always so nice
to the women who terrify them.

That always works
out well for us.

Look, if people here think my
tweet was an attack on you,

if Toby thinks that, then...

..in this office... I'm toast.

You're not toast. I
need you to support me.

I do support you. But openly.

I will openly support you.

I mean specifically
support what I tweeted.

I will. I'll... I'll tell
everyone I'm fine with it.

You don't have to do that.
No, I do. I genuinely want to.

Just retweet me.

Just retweet my tweet.

We could do with the
signal boost anyway.

How many followers do you have?
Same as me, couple of million?

Yeah, thereabouts.
I mean... I mean...

HE STAMMERS ..I can
see the logic in that.

Great. Mm.

Thanks.

Do you have your phone?

My phone? Yeah, your phone.

Go on, then. Retweet me.

Get my back. Support me.

Erm...

Is it slowing? A bit.

Anyone picking up
on it? Any press?

Someone's bound to.

The Hay Festival -
Douglas's interview.

What about it?

I heard a rumour. I
cannot divulge the source.

Is it Peter? Yes.

What's the rumour? They
switched Douglas's interviewer.

They promised us Gavin.

It's not gonna be Gavin.
It's gonna be a woman.

Which woman? I don't know...

OK, well, then we're
not any clearer.

..but it's a Newsnight one.

Oh, dear Christ.

Sorry, sorry, should've knocked.

Er, Douglas, there's
been a development.

The Hay people.
Have they cancelled?

Er, no. They are
changing the interviewer.

It's gonna be a
woman. Which one?

A Newsnight one... Oh, fuck!

..which does rather suggest
they might be going a bit,

you know, feminist -
no offence. Offence?

So, God forbid, they might
wanna talk about the joke.

Toby, sorry. There's...
There's been a retweet.

Madeline's been retweeted.

TOBY EXHALES OK.

But it's a big one.

Who?

Yeah. I retweeted. I
retweeted Madeline.

It was my idea.

But... we're trying
to close this down.

We're trying to end this!

Don't shout at me.
I'm not shouting.

I was defending him, why
wouldn't he retweet me?

Because we want
this over! Stop shouting!

I'm not shouting!

PHONE BUZZES Ooh, it's my wife.

I'll step out. No,
you don't have to.

I'm sure it's just...
Madeline, a word.

I know what you're gonna
say. What the fuck?!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Yeah, I retweeted Madeline.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! It would
look odd if I didn't.

- She was defending
me. - Fuck!

Look, never mind that now.

You were going to
get her to delete it.

Well, you said yourself
that wasn't useful.

How is retweeting her useful?

Never mind Madeline.

They've switched the
interviewer for Hay.

It's a woman.

- A Newsnight one.
- Fuck!

Toby thinks they know about
the joke and will bring it up.

What do you think? I
should cancel, shouldn't I?

You're being accused of sexism,

and now you're going
to cancel an interview

because they're switching
the interviewer to a woman.

Yeah, that could
be misinterpreted.

That's not misinterpreted.
That's just interpreted.

Now, you tell me why in the
name of God did you retweet her?

Because it would
look odd if I didn't!

No, it wouldn't. Yes,
I think it would.

I really do. Who
told you that?

We discussed it.

Madeline told you that. Look,
forget the bloody tweet.

What about the bloody interview?

You need to prep. I know.

No, I mean actually rehearse.

You need an interview
rehearsal. A what?

An interview rehearsal.

We'll find someone really
good, someone we can trust,

who'll give you the
hardest time possible,

who'll come at you
from every angle.

But you need practice.

Agreed. Bill could
do it, or Francis.

Cass... is a bit vegan,
but a woman would be good.

Yeah. But listen, Douglas.

Not Madeline! OK.

You keep Madeline out of
this. Anyone but Madeline. OK.

Because I swear on my life,
you cannot trust that woman.

I know. No, no, no.
You really can't.

I know.

Yeah. You say that,
but actually, do you?

I do. I really do.

She plays you. She what?

Madeline. She plays you.
Oh, no, she doesn't.

You went in today to
read her the riot act.

How long did it take her to get
you doing exactly what she wanted?

How many minutes before you
were doing the exact opposite

of what you went in there to do?

You were going to get her to
delete her Twitter account.

Instead, you retweeted her.

She played you. Do you
get that? Well, no, I do.

I mean, I do, I get it. Hang
on. I'll call you back in five.

- You got a moment?
- We've had an idea.

A rehearsal. An
interview rehearsal.

OK, so we'll put
you in the spotlight

and throw everything at you

till you can answer every
question in your sleep.

We get someone who can really
needle you, really go for it,

punch you till you learn how
to smile and knock it away.

Douglas, take that
look off your face.

What look? The answer is no.

I'm sorry? No, I won't
do it. It can't be me.

I can't do the prep
interview. Obviously not.

OK. Well, fair enough, yeah.

Has to be someone else.
Someone good, but someone else.

Well, fine, yeah. Yeah.
For the obvious reasons.

Yeah. OK. OK, good.

What reasons? Well,
the obvious ones.

What obvious ones?
Well, you know. You two.

Just that, really. You two.
What does that even mean?

There is... How does one put it?

I don't know, how does one?

You two have a certain...
chemistry. A warmth.

A mutual... you know, thing.

I think you'd both find it very
hard to be sufficiently, erm...

well, let's say dispassionate
about each other.

What are you implying?
I'm not implying anything.

We're co-presenters.

We present together, that's
all. We're professional.

Of course you are,
no-one's saying you aren't.

There's nothing for us to
be dispassionate about!

All I'm trying to suggest...
Shut up, Toby, he's right.

I should do it.

I will. I'll do it. I'll
do the prep interview.

No, can I just...? I don't think...
Honestly, it's fine. You win.

I'll do it.

Are you sure? Course I'm sure.

I can give this guy a
hard time, right, Douglas?

Erm... PHONE BUZZES

Oh, can I just...? It's Sheila.

You know what we should do? We
can use studio B, make it proper.

Let's go talk to Jenn,
we'll schedule something.

I'm gonna see her right
now. I'll come with you.

Don't worry, I'm all over this.

Hey. Crazy idea - me.

Sorry, what? I'll do
the prep interview.

What do you think?

HE STAMMERS

You're my wife.

We've been married for 20 years,
it's not the first date any more,

and I'm an awesome interviewer.

How many careers have I
personally destroyed -

and not just the proper
villains, really good people too?

Why aren't you saying anything?

I'm just absorbing. Come
on, this would work.

I can be tough on you.

Who can be tougher on
you than your wife?

If there's anyone in this world
who can get under your skin

better than me, I'd
like to know who it is.

We could get studio B tomorrow
morning, we can even record it.

Oh, sorry. You're on the phone.

It's Sheila.

'Is that Toby?'

It's... It's Madeline.

She says "hi".

"Hi" back.

Get me Toby. Is he there?
Let me talk to him.

Yeah, well, Toby isn't, erm... I'll
phone him. I'll just phone him.

We can use one of the
studios, do it properly.

Toby thinks Madeline should do
it. Toby suggested Madeline.

And what did you say?

Well, we're only just, er,
starting to talk about it.

Douglas. Hm? What did you say?

Well, we're literally
discussing right now.

Me or Madeline?
What did you say?

Oh, this is good. This
is... This is brand new.

This is... This is uncharted.

Basically, you're
getting competitive

over who can tear me apart best!

Who's winning?

'Douglas?'

'Who's winning?'

PHONE RINGS

PHONE BUZZES Oh.

Hello, yes? Ah, Douglas.
It's me, Bently.

Don't phone back, I just wanted
to leave a message of support.

No, this is me, Bently.
This isn't voicemail.

It's always darkest
before the dawn.

No, I'm here, Bently. Is
it, though? Is that true?

It's more of a sort of
light grey, isn't it?

'This isn't... I'm here,
Bently.' Oh, never mind.

At some point prior to
dawn, it's very, very dark.

But... But, Douglas,
however dark it gets,

you must always remember
that the dawn will come,

that the light will return...

unless you die in the night,
but that's never gonna happen.

Well, it is someday, but... let's
not get bogged down with that.

Who says you're
gonna die at night?

You could die at any
time at your age.

On a sunny day on a beach,

just when you're
feeling happy and safe.

That's how I'd like to go.

Or in a helicopter. Never
been in a helicopter.

It'd be good to get that
in before... the end.

Anyway, listen.

I know what you're thinking
- all those other scandals,

all those lives
crushed beyond repair

by the cruel media jaws
of inexorable tragedy.

You're thinking of, erm...

oh, God, whatshisname.

Oh, and that other one.

But... But listen, listen.

You're not in their
level of trouble.

You don't have their profile.

Well, you may do
after this, but...

Anyway, the point is that for
every life utterly destroyed

by this sort of thing,

there's always someone who
gets through it perfectly well.

Can't think of any
at the moment, but...

Oh, Bob Geldof!

He's never been in any trouble.

He did Live Aid.

Met him once in a
Harvester in Wandsworth.

He's a lovely man,
despite the brogue.

Angela Rippon.

Met her too at a KFC.

Beautiful woman.

Tremendous grip strength.

In fairness, I made her angry
because I jumped the queue.

BENTLY CHUCKLES

PHONE LOCKS

Ironic.

Excuse me? I was just
thinking, ironic.

What is?

Well, you mistaking a
driver for a writer.

Oh. You heard about that.

Well, yeah. It was me.

Yes. Yes, I know. Yeah.
That's what I meant.

Oh, OK. So, I was
just saying, ironic.

You know why? No.

Cos I think I might
be a writer. OK.

I'm having lots of
concepts. Oh, good.

I'm having a concept for
a sitcom at the moment.

Sitcom's dead.

Is it? Yep. Dead.

Well, that's disappointing.

Just had a concept. TOM TUTS

Sorry.

What's not dead? Er,
movies. Big movies.

OK, so I should have a concept
for a movie, then? Yeah.

You involved in movies?

PHONE RINGS No.

TOBY CLEARS THROAT

Douglas, have you chosen?
You have to choose.

They are both prepping
to interview you.

Oh.

Oh, OK.

Did you tell her?

Right. Good.

How did it go down?

Yeah, I bet. TOBY
CLEARS THROAT

OK, no worries.
See you tomorrow.

TOBY SIGHS

I've got a concept for
a movie now. Oh, Christ.

Er, sorry, I'm just...

No, it's no problem.
It's, er, early stages.

Yeah, of course. Obviously.

So, how's the wife?

Erm...

DRAMATIC RUMBLING, INTENSIFIES

NORMAL SOUNDSCAPE RESUMES

So, we will treat this
like a real interview. OK?

No pit stops this time round,
we just keep pressing on. OK?

We'll have the recording,
we'll review afterwards.

Yeah.

You're really sure
about this? Of course.

I mean her.

Yes! OK. Your
choice, obviously.

DOOR OPENS

Sheila! Hi.

I didn't know you
were coming in today.

DOOR OPENS

Hi! Hi, everyone.
Hi, Madeline.

Or should I call you Emily?

No, Kirsty - she's
Scottish. Yeah. Kirsty.

Hello, Sheila. Come to watch?
This is gonna be fun, yeah?

Sheila, shall we go
into the viewing room?

We can watch from there. Sure.

Hey.

God, this is ridiculous, isn't
it? I mean, you interviewing me.

I mean... rehearsing me
- helping me, obviously.

But it's all so
ridiculous, isn't it?

I mean, how can there be all
this fuss about a stupid joke?

It wasn't a joke,
though, was it?

It was a story. And
they all laughed.

All those men laughed.

And the story you told
them was about me.

'OK,
studio, here we go.'

BELL RINGS

Stop!

Simon, plotline for a action-comedy
movie with sequel potential.

Simon is a man.

No - Martin.

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