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1
00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:03,679
That's all for today.
Same time tomorrow?
2
00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:06,720
Why not? See you at
six.
3
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:11,759
And that's us off air.
Thank you, studio.
4
00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:13,159
Thanks very much.
5
00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:16,919
Er, Jenny will see you off
set. Was I OK with George?
6
00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:18,959
Sorry, what?
Pensions minister?
7
00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:21,079
Hm? Well, did I get
the right figures?
8
00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:23,479
Just a sec. What, are
you looking it up?
9
00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:25,359
No, no.
10
00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:28,079
How was the wedding? Wedding?
11
00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:30,399
Er, your cousin's, wasn't
it? Oh, yes, it was fine.
12
00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:32,079
Was I OK with the
pensions minister?
13
00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:34,319
Yeah, of course. I mean,
were my figures right?
14
00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:36,119
Well, not yet, but
we'll do some research.
15
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,919
Thanks. Babes. Nice one today.
16
00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:40,519
Er, cheers.
17
00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:42,480
Tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow.
18
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:49,399
Big one, was it? Big what?
19
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:50,479
The wedding, was it big?
20
00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:52,479
Well, yeah, I suppose. I
left my coat somewhere.
21
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:54,079
Make-up. I put it in
your dressing room.
22
00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:57,399
Thanks. How many guests?
23
00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,759
I don't know. 200, 300.
24
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,519
Oh, nice. So, er, just
the right size, then.
25
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:03,919
Yeah.
26
00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:06,559
Closer to two or
three? I'm sorry?
27
00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:09,199
Closer to 200 or 300,
what would you say?
28
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:13,399
More than 300? 350?
Is something wrong?
29
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,879
There's, er, been a
tweet. What tweet?
30
00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,000
This one.
31
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:22,319
Basically, you were overheard.
Being a bit loud, were you?
32
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:25,039
Well, this is
nothing. OK. Good.
33
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,359
I mean, it's nothing,
isn't it? Is it?
34
00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:30,319
Of course it's nothing. Well,
that's a relief. I'm so glad.
35
00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:32,359
I was at a family
wedding, for God's sake.
36
00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:33,759
Yeah, exactly, a family wedding.
37
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,679
Whose business is that?
Nobody's business.
38
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,360
It's not even worth talking about.
We don't have to talk about it.
39
00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,039
Do you wanna talk
about it? No.
40
00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:44,440
Good. Good, then. Let's not do
that, let's not talk about it.
41
00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:22,599
Let's start with an
account of what happened.
42
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:23,959
An honest account.
43
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,159
No, an account. We can move
in the direction of honesty
44
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,639
once we've decided on the facts.
In the direction of honesty?
45
00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:30,879
I'm not ruling out
honesty at this stage.
46
00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:34,039
So, you were at the wedding,
it's the evening do, it's late.
47
00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:35,599
Er, I was a little drunk.
48
00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:37,559
Not in my opinion. I'm sorry?
49
00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:39,919
I disagree about you being
drunk. You weren't there.
50
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:41,799
We're journalists,
we're never there.
51
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,759
Having opinions about
things we didn't witness
52
00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,319
is the entire point
of our existence.
53
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,439
We are the brave few who
turn up after the event
54
00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:49,559
and explain it to everyone
else who missed it.
55
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:51,799
How do you get through the
day being this cynical?
56
00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:53,799
Unhurt. So, at some point,
57
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:57,199
surrounded by friends,
probably laughing friends,
58
00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:59,039
you made some sort of a joke.
59
00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:00,839
A harmless joke. Harmless?
60
00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:02,519
Yes, harmless,
completely harmless.
61
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,799
"Overheard. Presenter
Douglas Bellowes
62
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:08,159
"making an extremely sexist joke
at a wedding party." I didn't...
63
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,759
"Disgusted." The tweeter doesn't
seem to think it was harmless.
64
00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:11,839
Why's that, do you think?
65
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:13,679
Because the tweeter is
an idiot. Tell me more.
66
00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:14,719
I don't know any more.
67
00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:16,479
I didn't see her, I
didn't even notice her.
68
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:19,159
But you know about the idiocy.
I'm assuming the idiocy.
69
00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:21,199
Because of a single tweet
accusing you of sexism.
70
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,399
Yes! Ironically enough.
71
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:25,719
Ironically? Because you're also
assuming the tweeter's a woman.
72
00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:27,839
Oh, Christ!
73
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:29,719
Patrick Harland. Man,
I'd say, wouldn't you?
74
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:33,120
Yes, that does seem likely.
He/him. Sounds pretty sure.
75
00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,239
What was the joke?
I don't know.
76
00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:39,359
You don't know? I don't
remember what I said.
77
00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:42,599
It was a wedding three days ago, I
was drinking, why would I remember?
78
00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:43,639
OK, I see.
79
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,919
So, you don't remember the joke,
but you do remember it was harmless.
80
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:49,959
Yes. Just like you remember that
someone you never even noticed
81
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,599
is an idiot and a woman,
82
00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:55,119
just because she, oops, he remembers
an event differently from you?
83
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:57,479
Yes! Even though you
don't remember it at all?
84
00:03:57,480 --> 00:03:59,759
I'm just telling you the truth.
Isn't that what you want?
85
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:01,079
Well, the truth is useful, yes,
86
00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:03,239
but I'd prefer something
a little more balanced.
87
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,519
We're in news, truth is
only one side of the story.
88
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:09,119
This isn't news. It's going
to be news - it's you.
89
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,559
Like it or not, Douglas,
and I don't much,
90
00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:13,319
there are a rare
few in this world
91
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,879
who carry the burden
of power and influence.
92
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:20,119
And five evenings a week, you
walk into a television studio
93
00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:22,239
and read out their
names from an autocue.
94
00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:25,159
Now, it's a fact that
audiences, over time,
95
00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:28,959
begin to associate television
presenters with real people.
96
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,599
It's deluded, but
it's inevitable.
97
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:35,239
In every crisis and natural
disaster for the last ten years,
98
00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:39,679
they've seen you, out there on the
front line, introducing the footage.
99
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:43,799
For over a decade, your face has
been the clear popular choice
100
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:47,919
for wars, famines,
atrocities, and royals.
101
00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:51,199
When a national treasure dies,
it comes out of your mouth.
102
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:52,759
As far as our viewers
are concerned,
103
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,759
your voice is what makes
famous people dead.
104
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,759
So please use that instrument
of death with care.
105
00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:00,879
How many times do I have to tell
you? When you're out in public,
106
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,359
when civilians can hear you,
107
00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:05,439
you must be balanced,
boring and bland.
108
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:09,319
You should be aspiring to
net zero cognitive content.
109
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:11,159
Not slobbering out witticisms
110
00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:13,679
like you've cornered the weather
girl at the Christmas party.
111
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:14,959
Well, what about Madeline?
112
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,839
Madeline? She's all
over social media.
113
00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:19,279
She might see this. So what?
114
00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:21,759
Well, she's... You
know... What is she?
115
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:24,999
Well, she's...
Sometimes, she's...
116
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,639
I'm holding my breath in
terror at your next adjective,
117
00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,199
and praying it will not refer
to the fact that she's female.
118
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:33,719
Well, Madeline is...
Madeline. Well done.
119
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:36,439
Net zero cognitive content?
Verging on Thought For The Day.
120
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:38,599
Madeline will be fine. She
adores you, you know that.
121
00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:39,879
OK. Everyone knows that.
122
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,159
Sorry, what? He's
got 300 followers!
123
00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:44,239
Who has? Patrick Harland.
124
00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,479
The tweeter. 300,
well... That's nothing.
125
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,199
That's just friends and friends of
friends and a bot farm in Russia.
126
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,719
He's getting retweeted. The
retweets are getting retweeted.
127
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:52,799
It'll blow over.
128
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:55,279
Look, I've got a dinner
thing, I'll talk to you later.
129
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:57,359
I've got it on live update.
It's coming in waves now.
130
00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:59,879
It's like being
Michael Caine in Zulu.
131
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:02,200
It's nothing, it'll burn
itself out. I'll see you.
132
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:07,159
Douglas. Seriously.
What was the joke?
133
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:09,159
I really don't remember.
134
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:11,440
I hate jokes. Why can't
people just say things?
135
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,919
Hey, Madeline.
Gotta run, sorry.
136
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,239
Good show, let's do
another one tomorrow.
137
00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:20,440
Yeah, tomorrow.
138
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,639
I wasn't being racist,
by the way. I'm sorry?
139
00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:28,319
I appreciate that Michael Caine
was basically the aggressor.
140
00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:29,640
Oh, shut up!
141
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:36,719
Hey.
142
00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:39,080
Straight home? Yeah, thanks.
143
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,159
Got himself into trouble,
hasn't he, your fella?
144
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:50,599
My fella? Yeah.
145
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:51,839
Douglas what's-his-name.
146
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,279
My co-presenter.
Your fella, yeah.
147
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,039
What's he done
now? Told a joke.
148
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:58,599
A sexist joke, it's
all over Twitter.
149
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,799
Hm. Sounds like him. Was it
funny? Didn't say if it was funny.
150
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,559
Just said that it was
sexist. Sounds like Twitter.
151
00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,919
Or do we call it X
now? I can't keep up.
152
00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:10,039
I don't think anyone can. Hey!
You got the figures right.
153
00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:11,999
With the pensions
guy, you were good.
154
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,959
You were looking it
up! Course I was.
155
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,439
You were checking on me?
156
00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:18,079
I mean, you were
factually wrong,
157
00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:20,479
but I've figured out a way
you can be kind of right.
158
00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:21,759
So you haven't screwed up.
159
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:23,199
What if I had?
160
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:24,959
Oh, I'd have thrown you
to the wolves, mate.
161
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,439
Right, OK. Wolves, that's fair.
162
00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,759
I'll phone you later
about the thing tomorrow?
163
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:30,959
You know, the link-up thing?
164
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,599
Yeah, give me a couple of hours,
I've got dinner with my agent. OK.
165
00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:35,999
No, phone me during
dinner, I hate my agent.
166
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,440
MADELINE LAUGHS You got it.
167
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:44,159
My wife thinks you've
got chemistry. Excuse me?
168
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:47,519
You and him, on telly. She
thinks you've got chemistry.
169
00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:48,959
Well, isn't that nice.
170
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:52,599
How do you do that, then,
create chemistry on telly?
171
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,359
Just, er, sitting on a sofa?
172
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:57,119
Well, generally you make the
bloke about 20 years older.
173
00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:58,279
DRIVER CHUCKLES
174
00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:01,440
On Twitter, yeah?
The joke? Yep.
175
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,120
LIVELY CHATTER
176
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,279
Jason Wellings. Jason?
177
00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:34,599
Cancer. Bad kind.
178
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,839
It's a big secret.
Not sure who knows.
179
00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:39,599
Jason's dead. Dead?
180
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:41,119
He died three
weeks ago. Of what?
181
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,239
Cancer. That was sudden.
182
00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:46,199
Well, no, it
wasn't. Was to me.
183
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:49,079
OK, about this
Twitter thing... Yeah.
184
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,439
What do you think? Do you
think there's a problem here?
185
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:55,199
I mean, should I be doing
anything? Talking to anyone?
186
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:58,640
Any ideas, any
suggestions? Hang on.
187
00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:03,199
Hang on, hang on.
188
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:06,039
Oh, God, where is
it? Oh, there we go.
189
00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:08,719
What's this? My neighbour's
son is a big fan.
190
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,439
He wanted a signed
photograph. That OK?
191
00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:15,039
Erm... Well, sure.
Thanks. He'll be thrilled.
192
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:16,559
I need my neighbour
to owe me a favour.
193
00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:19,880
My husband's pressuring
for a gazebo. Mm.
194
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:22,759
OK, about the Twitter thing?
195
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:26,199
Ah, Twitter! Twitter, Twitter!
196
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,639
What can you do? Well,
yes. What can I do?
197
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,439
Exactly. What can anyone do?
198
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:33,039
Well, are you worried about
it? The tweet about me?
199
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,359
Are you worried about it?
200
00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,359
No, of course not. Really?
Good, that's a relief.
201
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:39,959
A relief? Yeah. Big
load off, thanks.
202
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:42,799
So you are worried? Not
now. You reassured me.
203
00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:45,799
Quite honestly, I was bricking
it. You haven't touched your food.
204
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,159
But, er... Yeah. No, but...
205
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,079
in the unlikely
event that, you know,
206
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:51,399
there's any kind of a problem...
207
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:52,599
This is Madeline.
208
00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:56,079
Yeah. Neighbour's son, big fan.
Can you get her to sign it?
209
00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:58,799
Well, she doesn't like this
picture. She regretted it.
210
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:01,959
She'd prefer to look more serious.
It's his favourite photo, though.
211
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,639
He's got hundreds of
them in his bedroom,
212
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:05,559
but that's the one
under his pillow.
213
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,159
He's got underpants with that
photo on them. Underpants!
214
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:11,359
I don't think she'll be happy
signing this photo for a child.
215
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:12,680
He's 38.
216
00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,080
Is that
Madeline Crow? Yes.
217
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:24,320
TRAIN RUMBLES
218
00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:00,640
You OK? Yeah.
219
00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:04,399
Did you find that thing
about the joke? Yep.
220
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:08,559
Did you find out what
the joke was? No.
221
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:09,599
ELECTRONIC BEEP
222
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:13,359
So, what was the joke at the
wedding? The misogynist joke?
223
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:15,839
It wasn't misogynist,
it was sexist.
224
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,159
Are those different? Well,
of course they're different.
225
00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:20,359
What, so there's misogyny
AND sexism now? Yes!
226
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:22,000
How am I supposed to
remember two things?
227
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,839
Look, about this joke...
Yeah. What was it?
228
00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:31,039
I don't actually remember
it. Yeah, but seriously...
229
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:32,399
I'm being serious.
230
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,639
Well, it was probably just
one of your usual ones, yeah?
231
00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,039
My usual ones? Your
usual misogynist ones.
232
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:39,879
It was sexist, not misogynist.
Look, my point is...
233
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:41,399
in the event that
anything happens,
234
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:44,639
if anyone says anything or
accuses me of anything...
235
00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:46,079
what do we do?
236
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,959
Oh, simple. It's
a piece of piss.
237
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:51,159
There's a whole agency
playbook for that. OK.
238
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,159
Well, we release a
carefully worded statement.
239
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:55,559
Saying what? Well,
apologising, obviously,
240
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:57,599
expressing remorse,
obviously. Yes, obviously.
241
00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,159
And then explaining
with great regret
242
00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:01,919
this agency is now severing its
connection with Douglas Bellowes,
243
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:03,919
following his recent
unacceptable remarks.
244
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:05,119
How does that help me?
245
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,919
In the global sense.
The global sense?
246
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:10,039
Well, someone has to take
one for the team. What team?
247
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:11,639
Team you and me. And it's me.
248
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:14,040
Well, you're the misogynist.
No, I'm the sexist!
249
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:21,319
Look. It won't come to it,
250
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:23,279
but I'll draft
something this evening,
251
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,519
run it by you. You
can put a quote in.
252
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:26,720
Thanks
253
00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:30,160
Anyway, let's not dwell on
it. It's too depressing.
254
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:38,959
So... Jason
Wellings, dead. Yes.
255
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,719
Cancer?
256
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:42,040
Yes.
257
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:44,919
Was it the bad kind?
258
00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:46,879
Yes.
259
00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:48,759
PHONE VIBRATES
260
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:50,879
Do you mind? No, no, go ahead.
261
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,399
Toby? It's gone nuclear.
262
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:56,039
What has? The tweet.
263
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,759
What happened?
264
00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,640
Are you in a restaurant? If so,
please step away from the table.
265
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:06,480
What happened? Madeline.
266
00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:12,599
And Madeline and
Douglas join me now.
267
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,559
Such a success
Live At 6 has been.
268
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:16,759
You must be thrilled. We're
absolutely over the moon.
269
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,959
Absolutely, yeah. It's
been fantastic. Incredible.
270
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,999
So, how did you two first
meet? Was it on the show?
271
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,519
Er, well, it would have been
just before, I guess. Yeah, yeah.
272
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:26,839
Probably auditioning you.
No, he did not audition me.
273
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,279
Well, probably...
You did not, OK?
274
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,919
Probably auditioned her a
bit. Stop that right there!
275
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,319
So, did he offer you any advice?
276
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,799
Oh, he's never stopped. He's
at that age, though, isn't he?
277
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,239
You know, he just
goes on and on.
278
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:38,079
I think he keeps going
when I'm not in the room.
279
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:41,239
Yeah. Just an old granddad,
really, droning on. That's true.
280
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,480
So, what was the first
piece of advice he gave you?
281
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:48,999
Erm... he told me it was
worth it. Er, this job.
282
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,199
He told me whatever you
have to wade through,
283
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,679
this job is, er... is worth it.
284
00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:56,039
Why are you watching this?
285
00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:57,879
Oh. Hi!
286
00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:01,479
Er... Sorry, it was in
your saved programmes.
287
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:02,639
You were outside in the car.
288
00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:05,320
I thought maybe you were working
or on the phone or some shit.
289
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,359
Didn't know you'd still be
here. Oh, just passing the time.
290
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:11,039
Oh, well, I'm kind
of busy tonight.
291
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:13,279
Well, I could cook for
you. I'll get a takeaway.
292
00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:16,599
Oh, you don't need to. I know
I don't. But I'm going to.
293
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,319
Oh, OK.
294
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,959
Ah, it's just, you
know, busy, busy.
295
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:23,760
Yeah. Well, I'll just, er,
you know... I'll see you.
296
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,280
Right, well. I'll
call you. OK.
297
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,200
Or text you? Yeah, text.
298
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:38,599
Right, well, listen. Hey,
thanks for, you know...
299
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,560
It's fine. Yeah.
300
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:43,600
Yeah.
301
00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:57,479
Did I say that? I don't
remember saying that.
302
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,439
Yep, you said it.
"Wade"? Did I say "wade"?
303
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:00,999
Yeah, you said "wade".
304
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,000
Was he right? Was
it worth the "wade"?
305
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,040
Madeline?
306
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:10,040
I'll let you know.
307
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,719
OK, I'm off home for
the rest of the evening.
308
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,519
Are we OK with page
two? No, but yes.
309
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,919
Tell Trevor something
positive. Anything specific?
310
00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:39,839
God, no, he might believe you.
There's a budget Zoom in ten.
311
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:41,879
Call me if there's
anything urgent or funny.
312
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:43,879
Do you wanna stay for the
Zoom? Preferably funny.
313
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,240
You missed the last two.
314
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:51,640
Sheila? Helen. You
loitering for me?
315
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,080
Erm...
316
00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:58,639
You know that Twitter thing that
I was going to tell you about?
317
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,439
Which you were going
to tell me about?
318
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:04,560
Erm... the thing about your husband
and the joke at the wedding?
319
00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:08,599
That you were going to tell me
about and apparently didn't?
320
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:13,039
At the last minute I,
erm... internalised it.
321
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,719
What in the name of God's holy
arse was the point of that?
322
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:18,719
Somnia said I should internalise
when I'm feeling frightened of you.
323
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:22,760
Somnia? Who the arsing
tit-wank is Somnia? HR.
324
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:30,399
Are you OK? Everything's
fine, is it?
325
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:31,799
Erm, she used to
be called Anita,
326
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,039
but she's sort of
re-imagined herself.
327
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:37,279
Anita Varma? It's not
Varma any more. OK.
328
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,919
She's, erm, moved on
from her patronymic.
329
00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:42,679
Right. Good!
330
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,800
So, about my husband on
Twitter? What's he done now?
331
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,520
Are you internalising again?
332
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:59,800
Are you allowed to say out
loud if you are internalising?
333
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:06,319
Right. Now, listen.
334
00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:10,359
It's OK for you to say
anything you like to me.
335
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:12,279
You are my PA,
336
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:16,239
and it would be really, really
helpful if you could speak.
337
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:19,999
I promise to break
eye contact on request
338
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:23,119
and will never sustain it
for more than 30 seconds.
339
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:25,519
Can you just tell me,
340
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:29,080
with my assurance of your
complete personal safety...
341
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:33,320
..about my husband on Twitter.
342
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:39,999
Erm... Yeah. So, he
was at a wedding,
343
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:42,319
and someone heard him
make a sexist joke.
344
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,959
Which one? Probably just
one of his usual ones.
345
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:48,119
Which wedding? Oh, erm,
it was three days ago.
346
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:50,559
Donald's? Oh, God,
he was so pissed.
347
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,439
But I only left him
alone for 20 minutes.
348
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,199
If he's got himself
in trouble again,
349
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,239
that's his look-out.
350
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,239
Let me know if anyone here
wants to write about it.
351
00:17:57,240 --> 00:18:00,319
It's got worse,
though. Worse? How?
352
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:01,560
Madeline.
353
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:25,039
Fuck's sake. Why would
she do that? I mean, why?
354
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:27,039
Well, technically,
she was defending you.
355
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,839
She retweeted it. She
retweeted the bloody tweet.
356
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:31,439
Yeah, because she
was commenting on it.
357
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:34,959
"Don't believe this.
Not my co-presenter."
358
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,999
In the process, obviously,
yes, she retweeted it.
359
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,919
She's got about half
a million followers.
360
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:41,399
No, she's got 2 million.
361
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,799
OK, so that's 2 million
people who've now seen it,
362
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:47,039
who would never have noticed it
if she'd just left it alone. Yes.
363
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:49,999
Two million? I've
got one and a half.
364
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,079
It is not, at this precise
moment, a competition.
365
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:55,079
PHONE VIBRATES, DOUGLAS SIGHS
366
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:57,199
My wife's calling. 'Talk
to her.' Yeah, in a bit.
367
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:58,959
If she's seen it, she'll
still be shouting.
368
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,479
Look. Right now, Douglas, I'm
not worried about her shouting,
369
00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:03,120
I'm worried about her newspaper.
370
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:09,440
PHONE VIBRATES
371
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,000
VIBRATING STOPS
372
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:23,119
I've gotta run. No problem.
373
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,720
Is that my food?
374
00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:27,040
Didn't think you wanted it.
375
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,279
'Sorry I can't
get to the phone right now.
376
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:05,959
'Please leave a message
after the beep.'
377
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,959
Douglas, can you just call me
back? This is my fourth message.
378
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:12,279
I've stopped shouting, I just
want to know what's going on.
379
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,639
Also, for the love of God,
please delete these messages.
380
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:17,719
I work with people
who hack your phone.
381
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,360
Fuck's sake.
382
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:31,200
SHE SIGHS
383
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,600
Claudia?
384
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:47,719
Claudia? Hey, Mum.
385
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:49,639
Hey. Er, listen, darling,
386
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,639
you've left the front
door open again.
387
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:53,479
Yeah, doesn't matter.
388
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,519
I'm just telling you
you've left it open.
389
00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:58,519
Yes, I know. Don't worry about
it. The subject is closed.
390
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:01,599
It will be closed, Claudia,
when the front door is closed.
391
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,759
Why? Because you
keep leaving it open,
392
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,079
and I'm not happy
about that. Why?
393
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:08,799
SHEILA SPLUTTERS
Because it's important.
394
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:11,839
Why? Because people might
come into the house.
395
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:13,999
Oh, what people? I don't know.
396
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,440
Exactly. Jesus, calm down.
397
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,319
Darling, please. This is for
your own personal safety.
398
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:21,679
Oh, my safety? Yes!
399
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,359
Oh, is it dangerous out there?
400
00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:25,479
Does this mean I won't
be allowed outside now?
401
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,359
Of course you're
allowed outside.
402
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:28,919
Well, if it's safe
for me to be outside,
403
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,519
why isn't it safe to
leave the door open?
404
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:32,839
Claudia, there's a lot of
valuable stuff in this house,
405
00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:35,279
and surprisingly enough,
we don't want it stolen.
406
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:36,879
Oh, so it's all about
your possessions,
407
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,039
and who cares if I get raped?
408
00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:40,159
Please, can you stop finding
a reason to argue with me
409
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:42,119
every single time we speak?
410
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:43,599
Stop criticising me!
411
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,999
Oh, Claudia, please can
it not be like this?
412
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,239
Not every single time we talk.
413
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:49,559
Oh, now you're gonna cry!
414
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,519
You always start crying,
Mum. Stop doing that to me.
415
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,519
I'm not doing anything
to you! Stop shouting!
416
00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:58,639
Hey. Dad, somebody left
the front door open,
417
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:00,239
and Mum just assumes it was me.
418
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:02,880
Because it was you.
Let it go, Mum.
419
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:11,639
Drink? Oh, please, God, yes.
Give me wine or give me death.
420
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:14,919
She never stops. She
goes at me all the time.
421
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,639
Like just looking at me
sends her into a rage.
422
00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:22,039
The minute we make eye
contact, her shoulders flex.
423
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:26,999
They just sort of pop up, like...
like an emergency life jacket.
424
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,479
She's 19. Sometimes, she
follows me to the loo,
425
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:32,439
stands outside the door
and just keeps going.
426
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:35,399
I am critiqued
sitting on the loo.
427
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:37,359
Yeah, she's kind of
intense at the moment.
428
00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:38,919
I flushed while she was talking.
429
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:42,000
She called it a
micro-aggression. Mm.
430
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:44,719
You're not reading
your emails again.
431
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,079
Someone from Hay wants to talk
to you. Does that make sense?
432
00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:50,519
Mm, the Hay Festival. I told
you, I'm doing an interview.
433
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,599
What about? Well,
me, hopefully.
434
00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:54,239
I don't really know
about anything else.
435
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:55,839
No, but seriously,
what's it about?
436
00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:59,279
It's not about anything. Well,
keep it that way. No opinions.
437
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:00,839
People might be listening.
438
00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:03,279
Might be? Opinions are
blood in the water.
439
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:04,319
Dare to be bland.
440
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:07,439
Well, what's wrong with my opinions?
You don't have opinions, darling,
441
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:09,519
you're just cross at
whatever's available.
442
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:13,879
OK, bland. I'll be bland.
Bland is good, bland survives.
443
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:18,160
Anyway... Madeline. What
the hell is Madeline up to?
444
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:15,039
Look, in fairness, she
was just being supportive.
445
00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:17,039
Oh, no, come on. You're
not going to defend her?
446
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:20,479
She commented on the
tweet in my defence. Look.
447
00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:21,959
And by commenting on the tweet,
448
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:24,759
she retweeted the tweet
to 2 million people,
449
00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:27,039
most of whom would never
have seen it any other way,
450
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:28,439
some of whom are press.
451
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:31,319
Can you believe she's got
2 million followers? Yes!
452
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,399
OK, then. The papers.
What do you think?
453
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:36,999
Would your lot bother with this?
Don't know. Don't think so.
454
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:41,039
Well, you're the editor.
I can't play favourites.
455
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:43,159
I could see it on page
five if it's a slow day.
456
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:44,559
HE GROANS Cheer up.
457
00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:46,639
There might be an atrocity.
Well, there's a war,
458
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:48,399
there's flooding every
second Wednesday,
459
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:51,159
there's a climate crisis.
I mean a proper atrocity.
460
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:53,479
Someone off Blue Peter
having a wank on a webcam.
461
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:55,479
Oh, for Christ's sake.
A drive-by deadnaming.
462
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:58,119
A-A royal being slightly
off-hand to a minority...
463
00:24:58,120 --> 00:25:00,239
There is still actual news
in the world, isn't there?
464
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:01,759
I mean, things are
still happening,
465
00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:04,199
or did it all just stop
and I didn't notice?
466
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,799
Darling, there is all the
human misery and suffering
467
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:08,719
a journalist could wish for.
468
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,919
But we live in a world
where a newsreader's arse
469
00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:12,799
can push a war off
the front page.
470
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:14,639
And you, my dear,
like it or not,
471
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,519
are in possession of
a newsreader's arse.
472
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:18,519
Handle it with care.
473
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:20,959
Well, according to Toby, my
voice is an instrument of death.
474
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,719
Is it my arse now?
They're both good, honey.
475
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,079
Just remember which
one to talk out of.
476
00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:28,479
Madeline was not defending you.
477
00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:30,879
Of course she was. We're
friends. No, you're colleagues.
478
00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:32,679
We're on the same
side. We're a team.
479
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:34,799
Look at what she actually said.
480
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:36,399
Yeah, look at it.
481
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:38,639
"Don't believe this.
Not my co-presenter."
482
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:41,879
So she's saying she doesn't believe
her co-presenter behaved like that
483
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:45,319
because she knows him so
well. Exactly. That's good.
484
00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:48,279
Or she's describing your
behaviour as unbelievable
485
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:51,520
and saying she no longer
wants you as her co-presenter.
486
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:56,119
Do you think?
487
00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:59,039
Headline, "Not my co-presenter,
says Madeline Crow."
488
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:02,719
Photo of you. One of the blurry
ones where you look a bit drunk.
489
00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:05,239
We have seven. Next to
that, a photo of Madeline.
490
00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:08,959
Shiny hair, blow job eyes.
We've got exactly 12 million.
491
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:13,000
Sub-header, "Douglas Bellowes
blasted for sexist joke."
492
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,639
You see? First impact,
493
00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:20,079
it's sexy Madeline who's
blasting blurry Douglas.
494
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:21,919
Of course, when you
read the article,
495
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:25,239
we clarify the actual blasting
comes from some guy online
496
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:28,079
who no-one cares about,
but our work is done.
497
00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:31,119
Because, my darling, here's
the big, big secret -
498
00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:33,199
no-one reads the article.
499
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:35,119
They're all too busy
tweeting angry opinions
500
00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:38,439
about whatever conclusion
they've just jumped to.
501
00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:43,919
Outrage is exciting, nuance
is work. Douglas is cancelled.
502
00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:46,759
Well, I mean it takes
more than one article.
503
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:47,799
Of course it doesn't.
504
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:50,119
Well, what happened to the
presumption of innocence?
505
00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:52,799
It's too slow for the news
cycle. OK, but seriously...
506
00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:54,559
would you run with
this? I don't think so.
507
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:56,759
I don't think anyone will.
There's not enough to it.
508
00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:59,479
But fair play to Madeline,
she's given it her best shot.
509
00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:02,879
She didn't do it on purpose.
She was just ambiguous.
510
00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:06,239
That's not ambiguity, that's
plausible deniability.
511
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:08,399
Madeline's not like that.
512
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:10,079
Is she? Is she like that?
513
00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:13,039
I don't know Madeline. I
only see her on the telly.
514
00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:15,359
All I know about Madeline
is you talking about her
515
00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:16,719
all the bloody time.
516
00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:19,399
Well, of course you know
her. We never speak.
517
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:21,999
Every time I walk into a
room, she walks straight out.
518
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:25,879
Heads for the door like a
missile. Whoosh, slam, gone.
519
00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:27,679
I'd think the two of you
were having an affair
520
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:30,200
if it wasn't for the saggy
tits. She hasn't got saggy tits.
521
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:34,639
I was thinking of yours.
Apparently, you weren't.
522
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:36,599
I wasn't thinking
of Madeline's tits.
523
00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:38,599
Actually, you
were. Not that way.
524
00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:40,119
What way, then? Ironically?
525
00:27:40,120 --> 00:27:41,559
No, I just... Have you noticed
526
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:44,559
that every conversation always
ends up being about Madeline?
527
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:46,959
Why is everything about her?
528
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:49,799
What does Madeline think?
What's Madeline done today?
529
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:51,920
Why you're cross about
Madeline this time!
530
00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:56,199
No. Don't smile at
me, you were fighting.
531
00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:58,959
No, we weren't. I
heard you shouting.
532
00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:01,039
No, you didn't. We
barely raised our voices.
533
00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:02,839
Oh? Are you keeping
something secret?
534
00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:04,159
We're not fighting, darling.
535
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:05,999
You were, I can tell.
I can always tell.
536
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,799
And don't lie, I've
already got anxiety today.
537
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:09,839
Oh, Christ.
538
00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:13,519
OK, we were fighting
just a little bit
539
00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:16,519
but on the same side against
someone else who isn't here,
540
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:20,079
so we're... taking it
out on each other. Mm.
541
00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:22,079
It's called marriage. Hm.
542
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:23,479
Was it about Madeline?
543
00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:25,999
Jesus. Madeline? Why
would it be Madeline?
544
00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:28,439
Mum calls her
names. No, I don't.
545
00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:30,719
What names? Thin.
Thin's not a name.
546
00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:32,439
Thin's a description.
You always say it.
547
00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:34,720
She's always thin. Are you
fighting about the tweet?
548
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:38,760
The tweet? Yeah, I saw it.
549
00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:42,599
Which one? Which tweet?
About Dad's sexist joke.
550
00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:44,039
The one he told.
551
00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:46,279
At Uncle Rapey's
wedding. Uncle Donald.
552
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:48,559
Uncle Rapey. I've
told you. About what?
553
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,759
His inappropriate
language around women.
554
00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:53,119
He's not being inappropriate,
he's just being funny.
555
00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:56,079
It's not funny to make
women feel sexually menaced.
556
00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:58,479
Sexually menaced by
Donald? Yes. Who's gay?
557
00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:01,319
Yes. Who three days ago got married
to another man who's also gay
558
00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:03,479
so they could be gay
together in a gay marriage
559
00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:05,559
and continue to show no
sexual interest in women
560
00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:07,279
for the rest of their gay lives?
561
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:09,959
You felt sexually menaced by a man
who's never had a sexual impulse
562
00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:12,199
towards a woman in
his entire gay life?
563
00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:15,399
OK, boomer. Sorry, just trying
to point out how gay works.
564
00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:17,239
Oh, it's so good
to be mansplained.
565
00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:20,319
I'm mansplaining a man.
That's got to be legitimate.
566
00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:21,879
Mum, can I talk to Dad?
567
00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:23,520
Oh, go ahead!
568
00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:27,839
In private. Oh,
this is private.
569
00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:29,079
No, it isn't.
570
00:29:29,080 --> 00:29:31,239
Claudia, anything you
want to say to me,
571
00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:32,680
you can say to your mother.
572
00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:39,599
Forget it. Help yourself. I
could do with some time off.
573
00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:41,279
Oh, that's right.
Just walk out on me.
574
00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:44,319
You asked me to
go away! Exactly.
575
00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:46,120
Good luck, darling. Mm.
576
00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:48,679
SHE SIGHS
577
00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:51,279
Dad. What was the
joke at the wedding?
578
00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:52,999
I don't know. The
misogynist joke?
579
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:56,119
It wasn't misogynist, it was sexist.
Same thing. No, it's really not.
580
00:29:56,120 --> 00:29:58,559
What was the joke, Dad? Sexism
can be prejudicial behaviour
581
00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:00,879
against either sex,
whereas misogyny is only...
582
00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:02,440
Dad. The joke. What was it?
583
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:04,839
I don't remember.
584
00:30:04,840 --> 00:30:08,279
Is that true? Or are you just
saying that cos you're embarrassed,
585
00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:10,319
and you don't want me
to know what you said?
586
00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:12,680
No, I'm not just saying that.
I really don't remember.
587
00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:14,920
OK.
588
00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:20,079
What's wrong? People at
uni are asking about it.
589
00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:21,879
Well, how do they
even know about it?
590
00:30:21,880 --> 00:30:23,719
Some of them follow
Madeline. Oh!
591
00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:26,199
Also, I'm part of a student
think-tank monitoring the impact
592
00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:29,399
of media celebrities on
minorities - especially women.
593
00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:31,879
Well, women aren't a minority.
Of course they're a minority.
594
00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:34,199
They're the main one. Well,
there are more women than men.
595
00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:36,039
That's a majority. Dad,
take this seriously.
596
00:30:36,040 --> 00:30:38,039
Sorry, did you say
think-tank? Yes, think-tank.
597
00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:40,399
Is there an actual tank, or
do you just meet in a bar?
598
00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:43,199
We meet in a seminar room, on
a weekly basis, which we book.
599
00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:44,279
OK. Not in a bar, Dad.
600
00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:46,679
OK, sorry. None of
us drink, actually.
601
00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:49,399
OK, good for you. Have
you considered starting?
602
00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:53,279
Look, you could get cancelled.
Do you understand that?
603
00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:56,439
I don't want that to happen, Dad, I
really don't. It would destroy me.
604
00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:57,879
And me.
605
00:30:57,880 --> 00:30:59,200
Yeah, and you.
606
00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:03,679
Listen. I don't
remember what I said.
607
00:31:03,680 --> 00:31:06,680
But whatever it was, it
really wasn't that bad.
608
00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:11,079
Promise? Promise. Not lying?
609
00:31:11,080 --> 00:31:12,159
I'm not lying. What...
610
00:31:12,160 --> 00:31:14,479
I don't lie to you.
When do I lie to you?
611
00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:16,479
You're my daughter.
And an activist.
612
00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:20,199
Yeah, my daughter first.
Yeah, yeah. Of course.
613
00:31:20,200 --> 00:31:21,639
And an activist.
614
00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:24,719
And I'm your father
before anything.
615
00:31:24,720 --> 00:31:26,399
Please remember that.
Oh, trust me, Dad,
616
00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:28,199
nobody's forgetting
about the patriarchy.
617
00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:30,799
Oh, Jesus, Claudia. No, I'm
just trying to look out for you.
618
00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:33,839
I'm trying to protect
you. Claudia, believe me.
619
00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:35,759
I'm all over this. I really am.
620
00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:39,119
As it happens, between you
and me, father to daughter,
621
00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:43,479
your daft old dad really, really
doesn't wanna get himself cancelled.
622
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:46,679
And, Dad... I really,
really don't want
623
00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:48,120
to have to cancel you.
624
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:53,880
That's... nice.
625
00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:56,920
That's nice to hear.
626
00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:13,839
Sorry to pull you in so late.
It's a little bit urgent.
627
00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:16,199
No, that's OK. Take a seat.
628
00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:18,599
Have you been briefed? Er, no.
629
00:32:18,600 --> 00:32:20,039
No? Don't worry.
I will brief you.
630
00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:22,479
So, er... Douglas. You know
Douglas. Douglas Bellowes?
631
00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:24,599
Yeah. Yeah. You
worked with him?
632
00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:25,879
Well, yeah. Yeah.
633
00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:29,079
Douglas needs an emergency joke.
634
00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:33,399
A w-what? He needs a very
specific emergency joke,
635
00:32:33,400 --> 00:32:35,519
and I need you to provide it.
636
00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:37,039
A joke? Yeah, listen.
637
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:39,679
At a recent wedding
- one, I must stress,
638
00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:41,399
in no way affiliated
to Live At 6 -
639
00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:44,199
Douglas Bellowes was
overheard telling a joke
640
00:32:44,200 --> 00:32:46,559
which may have been
accidentally sexist.
641
00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:48,959
OK, but why...?
Listen. Just listen.
642
00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:52,159
Douglas can't remember the joke,
and so far, no-one has quoted it.
643
00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:55,159
So this is what we call
in the news business
644
00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:57,439
an opportunity to get
ahead of the facts
645
00:32:57,440 --> 00:32:59,639
and decide what the
joke might've been.
646
00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:01,199
Oh, you mean, like,
make something up?
647
00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:04,839
No, no. Not make something
up. No, not exactly.
648
00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:09,159
It's just that sometimes, when
the facts are a little... hazy,
649
00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:13,399
we need to provide our audience
with clear, directed information
650
00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:15,079
that, as far as possible,
651
00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:18,279
reflects the truth
without actually being it.
652
00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:19,599
OK.
653
00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:21,239
So what I need from you
654
00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:24,399
is a joke sexist enough to
cause comment on Twitter
655
00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:27,599
but not so sexist that it
will end Douglas's career.
656
00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:30,919
Erm... It has to be right
on that borderline between
657
00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:33,959
"offensive to women"
and "charming and sexy".
658
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:38,039
We really need to dial in on
the precise level of misogyny
659
00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:40,239
that will shock, but
mostly titillate,
660
00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:43,479
Douglas's demographic
of reasonably educated,
661
00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:46,239
marginally self-loathing
housewives.
662
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,639
And he's gonna need some support
on air through an earpiece
663
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:50,959
for tomorrow night's show in
case he's asked about this.
664
00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:53,439
You know, he might need a
few spontaneous one-liners,
665
00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:55,879
and I'm confident you
are the man for the job.
666
00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:56,999
Why?
667
00:33:57,000 --> 00:33:59,679
Well, because I've been assured
you're our top comedy guy.
668
00:33:59,680 --> 00:34:01,479
Have you signed the NDA? No.
669
00:34:01,480 --> 00:34:03,039
No? Why not?
670
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:05,560
Well, because I'm your driver.
671
00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:08,760
They asked me to bring HIM in.
672
00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:14,800
I-I've been your
driver for eight years.
673
00:34:17,240 --> 00:34:21,159
Yeah. Well, yeah, yeah,
I know that. Erm...
674
00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:24,720
It's just you're usually...
facing the other way.
675
00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:30,240
How's the missus? Dead.
676
00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:33,880
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
677
00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:36,320
Sorry.
678
00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:42,999
Do beg your pardon. Er, bit
of a mix-up. Nobody's fault.
679
00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:45,280
I thought you were
the driver. Oh. OK.
680
00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:50,800
I wasn't being racist.
681
00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:56,280
Moira, I think I'm
gonna need an NDA.
682
00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:06,319
It's all over Twitter.
683
00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:10,000
Thanks to bloody Madeline,
it's every bloody place.
684
00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:13,279
Do you think Claudia's a
bit strange these days?
685
00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:15,999
I wouldn't say strange.
No? I'd say frightening.
686
00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:17,199
No, I'm serious. So am I.
687
00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:18,919
It's like we've
lost her to a cult.
688
00:35:18,920 --> 00:35:20,879
We've lost her to a
university. It's similar,
689
00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:22,439
but you still have
to do their laundry.
690
00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:24,919
I'm gonna tell Madeline
to take down the tweet.
691
00:35:24,920 --> 00:35:26,599
Oh, it's too late for that.
692
00:35:26,600 --> 00:35:28,599
Deleting it will only
draw more attention.
693
00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:29,959
Well, then she can
delete the lot.
694
00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:32,559
She can close down her account.
She seems to spend all day online.
695
00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:34,119
It's time she rejoined
the human race.
696
00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:35,799
First thing tomorrow,
I'm telling her.
697
00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:38,399
Deleting her account will
not make a useful difference.
698
00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:40,039
Well, maybe not. But
it'll make a point.
699
00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:41,639
It'll draw a line.
700
00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:44,880
No-one is turning my
daughter against me.
701
00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:49,079
OK.
702
00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:50,879
What do you mean, "OK"?
703
00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:52,919
I said "OK". It means "OK".
704
00:35:52,920 --> 00:35:55,719
You paused. Sorry?
705
00:35:55,720 --> 00:35:59,079
Before "OK", there was a pause.
I know what that pause means.
706
00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:01,320
What does it mean? Nothing.
Doesn't mean anything.
707
00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:06,919
It means you've been angry
with Madeline before.
708
00:36:06,920 --> 00:36:09,399
You've been shouting about
Madeline all over this house.
709
00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:11,599
You threw a juice carton
out of the window once.
710
00:36:11,600 --> 00:36:13,639
It was stuck in the
tree for over a year.
711
00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:16,199
Well, I'm angry again. And
off you go to see Madeline,
712
00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:18,719
and you're really gonna
sort her out this time.
713
00:36:18,720 --> 00:36:21,679
And something... happens.
Well, what happens?
714
00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:23,759
I don't know. But
you come back home,
715
00:36:23,760 --> 00:36:26,119
and you're all calm
again, and you explain
716
00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:27,839
that you and Madeline
have had a chat,
717
00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:30,999
and everything's all fine.
Nothing to worry about.
718
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:34,119
All smiles... until
the next time.
719
00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:36,999
OK. Well, the... How
does she do that?
720
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,759
I can spend all night trying
to calm you down. Never works.
721
00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:42,199
How does Madeline do
it? What exactly happens
722
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:44,159
when the two of you have
one of your little chats?
723
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:47,359
We just talk, OK?
For God's sake.
724
00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:50,839
I completely believe you.
You talk. OK. Fair enough.
725
00:36:50,840 --> 00:36:53,399
Talk about what?
726
00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:55,959
How does Madeline always
get you back on side?
727
00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:58,999
How does she do it?
I mean, is she magic?
728
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:01,400
She's not getting me
back on side this time.
729
00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:05,160
OK.
730
00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:41,479
Morgan, I need
you to concentrate
731
00:37:41,480 --> 00:37:43,759
on jokes about Twitter for
Douglas, OK? All over that.
732
00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:46,440
He needs to sound relaxed,
witty, good sport.
733
00:37:51,480 --> 00:37:53,400
LAPTOP KEYS CLICK
734
00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:56,720
Give me an example.
735
00:38:04,920 --> 00:38:09,039
Is that it? Has the joke happened?
Because I don't think I laughed.
736
00:38:09,040 --> 00:38:11,599
It's not your fault.
Comedy's hard.
737
00:38:11,600 --> 00:38:13,679
Oh, Douglas! Sorry, I
need to speak to Madeline.
738
00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:15,080
Douglas!
739
00:38:17,360 --> 00:38:18,399
KNOCKS
740
00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:20,959
Just a moment. Madeline?
741
00:38:20,960 --> 00:38:23,039
Just a moment. I
need to talk to you.
742
00:38:23,040 --> 00:38:25,559
Nearly finished, nearly
finished, nearly...
743
00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:29,119
HE EXHALES Nearly,
nearly, nearly...
744
00:38:29,120 --> 00:38:31,799
Madeline? Nearly,
nearly, nearly...
745
00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:36,519
One second. One second.
746
00:38:36,520 --> 00:38:39,080
SHE STUTTERS
747
00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:41,079
All yours.
748
00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:43,519
Madeline... Oh,
look at your face.
749
00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:45,399
You must be wondering
what the hell's going on.
750
00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:47,399
Oh, I'm fairly clear on
one thing that's going on,
751
00:38:47,400 --> 00:38:49,879
and that's the fact
that you... Shut it.
752
00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:52,720
I'm sorry? The door. Shut it.
753
00:39:29,440 --> 00:39:34,080
Idea for a new
sitcom in six parts.
754
00:39:52,880 --> 00:39:54,520
HE SIGHS
755
00:40:02,720 --> 00:40:04,879
Four parts.
756
00:40:04,880 --> 00:40:06,920
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