All language subtitles for The Substitute

Aalborg is up north,
but of course you knew that.

Rikke has--
she came down here with--

- Mom.
- Yeah, I knew that, Rikke.

Anyway, have a seat.
I think there's room over there.

Unfortunately,
your teacher Miss Jette

has come down with a bad case
of Salmonella poisoning

and will be away
for several weeks.

But anyway, every cloud
has a silver lining.

- But...
- So you're going to have a sub.

Did you hear that?
A sub!

- Yeah!
- But...

- I can assure you that you're fortunate.
- But, but...

- Yes, Lotte.
- My father is a teacher.

And so is my mother.

They say that when your teacher is sick
and you have a substitute,

the substitute has to be
just as good of a teacher

as the real teacher
or we won't learn as much

as if our teacher
was there.

Can you please
come to the point?

Yes, sir. I'm asking if she's
a real teacher like Miss Jette,

or we won't learn as much because
she hasn't had proper teacher training.

No, but listen up.

Ulla has been sent here
from the Ministry of Education.

She is looking for a class
to represent Denmark

in a very exciting
EU project.

You'll be given tests,

and if you do
very, very well, then...

the entire class will be
taking a trip to Paris.

This is going to be great!
I can't believe it!

Anyway...

...all the way up to the top
of the Eiffel Tower, man!

Anyway, you can have
the rest of the day off.

Aren't you going to give us
any homework?

- I think we should use this time--
- Shut your hole, Lotte!

All right, boys and girls,
be on your way.

Carl, you're scheduled
to see Claus, right?

I hear you're still
not getting along

with the people
in your class.

Oh?

So you're filled up
with hatred?

I understand.

Shall we discuss
your mom today?

I had a dream
about her last night.

She's lying on the bed,

and so am l.

She reaches out
to me...

touches my cheek.

That's good, Carl,
very good.

That's when
she whispers to me.

What did her voice say?

That she's going
to die, and soon.

She wanted me to promise
that I would do one thing:

Live. Live.

That's what you heard?

Then I heard this noise,

some kind of flapping,

outside the window.

An angel?

A big white chicken.

Then, splat!

It took a shit
right there

in the middle
of the window sill.

But in it
there was a small face.

A face, huh?

It began to look
like you.

A miniature version,
with chicken shit

covering
your whole head.

And waving.

Then you said...

What did I say, Carl?

"Hello,
I'm a psychologist,

and also so stupid

that I'd actually
believe anything I hear."

See you next Thursday?

Yeah...

Thursday.

Oh, damn it.

Sorry, kids.

No, dad, it's
not as bad as usual.

Some of it's okay.

I'm such a cliche.

What's a cliche?

A stressed out single father
who's completely useless.

It'll be okay.

Just going
to take a while.

- Papa...
- Yes, dear?

Do you hump?

Excuse me?

I guess they don't want to
because your cheeks are itchy.

Sofie, we're with
the ones we love,

all right?

- And I love your mom.
- But...

she's dead
and I want a new one,

a mom
who I could touch.

Yeah.

Now sit down
and eat, okay?

I like girls.
Don't all boys?

Well, Sofie,
monks don't like girls.

What are monks?

Men who don't want
to be with ladies, just like nuns--

Iadies who don't
want to be with men.

So you're a monk?

Yeah.

What's up, Carl,
had your medication today?

What did psycho Claus have to say--
going to the loony farm?

Better get that
straight jacket on, eh, Carl?

Aren't you cold
in that t-shirt?

All right,
cut the crap, Tobias.

- Just checkin' if the dude's warm.
- Albert.

- Not funny, you asshole!
- What are you gonna do?

- Come on, get off!
- Stop it!

Hello? Hello?

Hello, this is Rikke.

Good day.

Good day.

So, this is Class 6B.

And would you like
to explain what a pricker is?

You wrote this up here?

- So.
- So then I'm a pricker, Albert,

is that it?
Is that a play on words?

Pricker, not teacher, hmm?

Or is it easier to say prick with those
big teeth of yours?

What?

Is it hard to drink?

It was just a joke.

There's nothing
like a good laugh.

- Right, Lotte?
- Right.

Come up here
and fix this.

And don't scratch the floor
with your teeth, okay?

6B.

It's certainly odd
being up here today

with so many,

so many children
who are astonishingly--

so stupid.

I'm not used to being
with so many idiots.

- Sole idiots.
- What's going on?

Ooh!
What's going on?

Well, how about
your brains lack

any sign
of intellect at all.

You're all just stupid.

Stupid.
Stupid.

- Hey, our class was--
- Hand up, Camilla!

- What I wanted to say was--
- Wait until I'm done!

Yes, Camilla,
you were saying?

Our marks are higher than the average
of a lot of our classmates.

In fact, a lot higher.

Higher than
a cockroach?

- Yes?
- Uh-huh.

So, now you're
Albert Einstein, huh?

- Are you-- Phillip?
- Uhh...

- Hey, you--
- Get your hand up, Albert!

- You can't talk like that.
- Not until you're called upon.

Yes, Lotte.

I just want to say that
I've heard of those surveys

about children
who don't learn enough...

but my mom and dad know a lot
because they're teachers and they say

- it's completely exaggerated.
- Stop. Stop!

Your mouth is like a hamster,
little Lotte.

It keeps going around and around in
it's treadmill, going nowhere.

Speak less and you'd say
fewer silly things.

Albert, go ahead.

I think you're
just way too cool.

How sweet of you to say.

I didn't mean that!
I think you're so cool.

- I mean-- I mean--
- What's wrong with him?

Well, I think
you're cool too, Albert.

6B, before we're through,
I promise

you will be the cleverest
and most intelligent pupils

in the entire universe.

Everybody.
You too, Malthe.

- But we're only in 6th--
- Get your hand up, Rikke.

Yes, Rikke, what is it?

We're only in 6th grade.

And your point is?

Well, we're just
a bunch of kids here.

We're not that smart.

I don't know
how it is in Aalborg,

but where I come from,
we all know everything.

- Everything?
- Everything.

Try me.

What's...

634 times...

967?

613,078.
Everyone knows that.

- My little brother's name?
- Jonas.

Who scored first in
the World Cup final in 2002?

Renaldo did.

But idolizing him
won't help you unless

you lose some weight,
will it, Tobias?

What's 2,622,946

divided by 5,124?

511.89422326.

Mental gymnastics.

- The BMW head designer?
- Chris Bengle.

- What's Fleurs de Nuit?
- The perfume you steal from your mother.

- Who does Tobias love?
- He makes out with you,

but he's in love
with Camilla.

He does not!

But you'll never have
luck there, Tobias,

because Camilla isn't
in love with you.

Camilla is
in love with...

Albert? Albert?

What?!

No way!

Silence!

Can you read
my thoughts?

Carl...

everyone knows
mindreading isn't real.

But in your case,
it's not that difficult.

All that's ever been
in your thoughts?

Your mom,
up in heaven.

So right now, you are
forcing yourself

to think of something else
entirely, like...

jellybeans?

Thank you, 6B.

I look forward to the challenge
of working with you.

Run along!

- Whatever, she's just a substitute.
- Not cool.

- Whatever, she's just a substitute.
- Not cool.

- She can't do this!
- That teeth thing was pretty funny.

Bite me, man.

You know, guys, I have heard those
studies about attainment levels.

- We are kind of thick.
- She's right, we are a little dumb.

I'm not going on that trip
to Paris with her,

or anywhere else
for that matter.

Teachers are not allowed
to talk like that, I'm sure.

I mean it,
it's not right.

That stuff with Carl
and his mom.

- Are you just going to take that?
- What were you thinking about?

- Hey, Carl--
- This is a list of every single teacher

in the entire country.

No Ulla Harms.

So I checked
the Department of Education.

No Ulla Harms.

So then I try
the National Registry,

where every single person
in the whole country is listed.

No Ulla Harms.

- Can't be right.
- What's your point?

Ulla Harms does not exist.

There's no way I'd go.

What?

Just keep quiet?

It's their problem.

If she gets to them,
it's not my fault, right?

Dad?
No, he's still a little shaky.

But I'm better now.

Sofie?
Yeah, she's fine.

- Right, Sofie?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Can she hear us?
- Yeah.

Come to supper, mom!

And my red top
has got spots on it.

If you've got time,
can you come home and wash it?

And you better
tuck me in

because Carl always farts
in his sleep, okay?

I can't
hear anything.

Carl.
Carl.

In here, not there.

Hi, Carl.

- Hi.
- Hi.

We just moved in
to Number 14.

It was all kind of
rush-rush.

The last stuff got here
last night, so...

- I'm Maria.
- Uh, Jesper.

- So, Rikke is...
- And you are...?

This is Sofie.

Hi, Sofie.

You should be careful.

Two on a bike
without helmets.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
you're right.

The police could be
jerks about it.

- I've had several--
- Yeah.

--several fines.

Oh!
So you're--

you're one of the--

I mean, you work--

And I saw you
on television.

Uh-huh.
Yeah, right.

Love makes us unique?

Think so?

Wasn't that your point?

Oh, oh.

It's a rather simple way
of putting it,

but altruistic love,

man's ability
to empathize,

is a special ability
only possessed by humans.

- My dad's a monk.
- Is he?

And he doesn't hump
with ladies either.

- Hey, hey, come on, now.
- Really?

Are you a nun?

I don't think so, Sofie.

So that means you can be my dad's
new girlfriend.

Yeah, that's enough, Sofie.
Come on, let's go upstairs.

Let's go home, Sofie.
Come on.

Dreaming?

No, I just need
a glass of water.

So, how's
your new teacher?

She's okay.

So it's a she.
Ah.

- She pretty?
- She's just a sub.

Yeah.

Anyone interesting?

What do you mean?

Nothing.

- Good night, Dad.
- Yeah, good night.

Run! Run!

Run! Run!

Faster, faster, faster!

Get those
knees up, Camilla!

Come on, move it!

And kick your heels,
so it hurts!

So you feel it!

Don't stand there, Carl.
Join the flock.

Come on! Come on, come on,
come on, come on!

Hurry, hurry,
hurry, hurry!

Run! Go!

And... stop!

There was Alexander,

Achilles, and Caesar!

Let's not forget Mozart.

Stravinsky!

And there was
Michelangelo!

And then there
were all of you.

Oh, come on.

What a sorry
bunch of weak, sweaty

Iittle dumplings.

Do you really think you're all in
the same class as Mozart?

Or Caesar?
Ha.

Yeah, I doubt it.

You're more like
soggy corn flakes.

Today...
we'll learn

about
the certain thing that--

--that makes mankind...

unique.

Up you go, Carl.

- I can't.
- Of course you can.

- I can't.
- Carl is scared of heights.

Up the rope now, Carl.

I'll fall off.
It's--

You'll fall off?
Get it together. I mean it.

Or your friends'll
run non-stop till lunch.

Or should I say,
till you toss your lunch?

Up you go, Carl.
Come on.

Up you go.
Move it!

If you could survive a car crash,
I'm sure you can survive this as well.

What's wrong with you?

- You can't say that.
- Come on!

- Come down, Carl.
- very good, Carl.

Man is unique
because he has an ability

that no one else
in the universe possesses.

Yeah, come on, Carl.
Come on!

And with it, despite mankind's
enormous lack of brain power,

you are considered
one of the strongest

species in the universe.

Come on, Carl.

Imagine, you're on your way
to your dead mom up in heaven!

Your dead mother!

She's up there waiting!
Do you see her, Carl?

You see her, Carl?

You see her?

Did you see her, Carl?

You can't do this.

You're not really
a teacher.

You're a mean witch.

Bravo, Lotte.

Listen closely,
I'm teaching you

something
very important.

Serious.
Okay, now then.

Who knows the answer?
What is that ability?

Come on.
Look at Carl.

Look at the poor boy.

Look at this pathetic
wretch lying there.

What are you feeling
right now?

Carl was under pressure, and you all
joined together to give him support.

What is this unique
ability called?

What is it called?

Why can't one of you pull your head
out of your ass and answer me?!

You tried to make us
all feel what he felt.

That's why we're unique.

Bravo, Phillip.

Bravo!

That is called
"empathy."

So, if one person
in your group

is under pressure,
then the rest empathize.

Fantastic, Phillip.
Super-duper.

Powerful, a-okay plus.
very good.

Do you all realize this ability
is inherent in no other race?

You don't have
the ability.

Boys and girls,

I think
you're all fantastic.

And I think you're the finest
substitute--

What's wrong
with you?

I mean the nastiest.

Tobias,
you're nice too.

No, you're
the nicest!

No, Tobias,
you're the nicest.

Okay, people,
all right then, listen up.

Hello?
Hello, hello?

Would you please...

Thank you, yes.
Well, anyway,

I'd like to welcome you all
to this extraordinary...

Ulla has been
at the ministry today,

and she'll be
a few minutes late.

But I see no reason
not to get started.

We-- we're not too--

too terribly happy
about this whole situation,

so we've invited Claus
who will say a few words.

Claus?

Carl. Carl.

- Hi.
- Is it in there?

Why didn't you mention there was
a parent's meeting tonight?

- If I didn't run into Maria--
- It's nothing.

Carl.
Come on.

Well?

Most kids live
in a fantasy.

- What?
- What is he talking about?

They're addicted
to their personal imaginations,

my friends, and they
simply can't get enough.

They spend hours
every day

staring at fascinating,
fantastic fairy-tale universes

on video games
or computer screens.

But when the screens
are turned off,

they're once again
faced with this:

Real life.

A grey boring Monday,

dull as dirt.

There you have it.

So, what's the solution?

Because in their insatiable
need for peril,

excitement,

if they don't like
this world,

then they make
their own world up.

They morph reality
to suit themselves,

no matter
how pathologically twisted

their imaginations are.

Of course,
don't get me wrong.

I am not saying that
your children are insane,

but we have to be
very cautious

about believing
everything they say,

because children,

children like yours,

can invent...

anything
you can imagine.

Thanks for listening.
Yeah.

Uh, I'd like to say
thank you, Claus.

I trust you all found
that to be...

um, actually
valuable information--

exception.

Any questions?

I have a question!

- What are we supposed to say--
- She is much too hard on the kids!

And what about Albert
and his teeth?

- We feel like we're being--
- Don't ignore us!

Oh, it's
the Education Minister.

What's going on?

I'm here to put
your minds at ease.

Ulla has praised your children's
work ethic to the utmost.

And when she does that,
I know they must be special.

Ulla is simply the best.

And your wonderful children
are going to show Europe

that our pupils
are the best in the world.

Are the best in the world.

You can trust her
with your children

as I would trust her
with my children

in such a situation.

Thank you so much.

Dear friends...

we're all frightened by...

anything new.

In this case,

it's me who's new.

You see, your children
have the enormous potential

to excel,
which up until now,

I truly feel
they haven't had the chance.

But...

I get awfully upset

when the children
nor their parents believe in me.

Believe this.

I am not...

a monster.

I am honest.

And honesty sometimes
can hurt a little bit--

especially youngsters.

And I can honestly say,

I love 'em.

I adore their wisdom,

I love
their imagination,

and their distrust...

...all their emotions,

for better
or for worse...

because after all,
that's what it's all about--

the emotions.

That's surely what
makes us all unique.

There you have it.

And I'm-- I'm sorry,
I just get so upset.

Where were you, Carl?

Ulla?
Ulla, um--

She's over here.
Yes, over here.

Um, Ulla, I think
there's some people

who'd really like
to say a few words.

Ulla, things just
got off on the wrong foot.

Many of us owe you
an apology.

In particular,
it's our children

- who really owe you an apology.
- It's okay. It's okay.

- Seriously, let's go.
- Go apologize.

- Laura!
- Say you're sorry.

- Go on.
- Sorry.

- Louder!
- Sorry!

Now it's your turn,
Camilla.

- Stand up straight.
- Albert, Albert, Albert.

- Go on, go on.
- Sorry.

She's sorry.

Say you're sorry, Phillip.
Say you're sorry.

Say you're sorry!
Phillip!

I'm sorry.

Carl.

What's going on?

We got problems,
Phillip.

The Minister came out
of a ball, you said?

Taking anything?

You know when I asked her
in class if she could read my thoughts?

Humans can't do that,
she said.

Yeah.

Well, jellybeans
was right.

That's what
you were thinking about?

Yeah.

Humans can't--

fuck!

We got
to tell the others.

No.

They'll really think
that I'm nuts.

Then why'd you tell me?

Well, you're nuts too.

You're right.

Her bag had these in it?

What are
these weird signs?

Let's show 'em
to my dad.

He's an expert.

You found this
in a corn flakes box?

Well, this is nonsense.

The map as well?

- Let's see.
- What is that writing?

That's easy--
it's printed backwards.

See look.

"Jens Peter Hansen's
poultry farm."

Ah, what's this?

We don't know
where it was taken.

Pretty bizarre,
how they're all just standing there.

Mmm.

This is really strange.

very, very strange.

I must admit,
it's quite good.

You're both in the picture--
look here.

How'd you do it?

- See you tomorrow.
- Yeah, see ya.

There are more
than before.

I don't get it.

It's a picture of us that doesn't exist.
We were never there.

You're even more
of a loon than Carl.

Hey, wait a minute,
that's me right there.

- And that's me.
- Oh, wow.

Carl, Camilla, Tobias,

Laura, Lotte,
and now you.

We're all
in the picture.

Ahh!
Get a grip, guys.

Anyone can do that
with a photo program.

Don't you get it,

he's trying
to drive us all nuts!

Come on.

- Hey, Carl.
- Hi.

I think we need
to talk.

Uh...

you sure you found this
in her bag?

- Yeah, why?
- Why do you think?

A photo of us, but none of us
has ever been there.

Was it you?

- Did you do it?
- And why?

- Yeah, really, Carl.
- You're sick, dude.

Hey, big deal.

I don't care
what you think.

To be honest,

- I don't care what any of you think.
- Oh.

Yeah,
you're really good at that too.

At what?

At saying "big deal"
about everything.

Something is wrong here,
but you don't fucking care.

Well, I'm sick, right?

Yeah.

You're about as sick
as your dead mother.

My mom's not dead!

Leave him alone,
Carl!

- Carl, you can't--
- Get off of him!

- Stop it!
- Leave him alone!

Are they broken?

- No, they're okay.
- Did it hurt?

- Yeah.
- Good.

Why don't you keep your mouth shut
once in a while, Tobias?!

Leave him alone!

Yeah? You're the one
that should keep her mouth--

- What's that for?
- Want another one?

Let's save our energy
for her. Come on!

Rikke's right.

Carl, tell the others
what you told me.

Carl, seriously,

are you on meds,
or what?

- I believe you.
- Me too.

Sorry, Carl, I should
have believed you.

That's okay.

Let's check out
her house.

Phillip found
the address.

What number
was it?

Number one.

Should we see
if she's home?

It's pitch black in there.
Do you think she's home?

- Hey, don't!
- Are you nuts?!

- What are you doing?
- It's locked-- don't worry.

And what if
it wasn't locked?

Come on.

Carl.

You can't be serious.

It's way
too dangerous, man.

Albert is right
for once.

Come on!
Let's go.

- We can't stay here.
- We're staying.

I better stand guard
out here.

- Got your phone with you?
- Yeah.

Call Camilla's number
if she comes home.

Okay.

What a mess.

This just can't be.

Hey, look at this!

Fuck, man!

That's us in the picture.

And that's your dad.

I don't like it.

It's too dangerous.
Albert was right.

Camilla...

Camilla...

Fuck!

Did you hear that?

She's coming!

Shit!

Oh, shit.

Carl!

Carl, come on.

- Hey, Albert.
- What's up?

- You got Camilla's number?
- Yeah, why?

- Just give it to me!
- Relax!

Okay, thanks.

Get in!
Come on, come on, come on!

Come on,
hurry it up, man!

What the hell
were you doing here?

I knew you didn't
have a clue, man,

so I came here
to save your nosey asses.

She's a...

She's a...
She's a...

She's a...

A monster.

Ulla Harms isn't...

human.

And the Education
Minister

came out of
this little round--

Look, I know the whole thing
sounds kind of crazy,

but I saw it.

The psychologist said
they create their reality.

Listen, we all know
you had a hard time with Ulla,

but to stand here--

Okay, that's it! No more video
or special electronic games.

I say we call
the psychologist right now.

I totally agree with you, dear.

May I make a suggestion?
It's only 10:15.

We could give a call
to Ulla.

Of course.
It's the only way.

- Face it head on.
- We can just go on over there.

I mean, I guess it looks like
it's all settled then.

- I'll call her.
- Have you got her number?

Yeah, I got it.

Good, then you'll
be able to see for yourselves.

Yeah, yeah,
we heard this before, now.

Just 'cause you don't think monster's
exist, it doesn't mean--

Listen, you kids, you're going to be sorry
when you go over there

and things don't work out
the way you say!

I've seen it all
a thousand times--

when we go back to the place,
everything's going to be clean.

- Hi.
- Hi.

A lot of people here.

I look a sight.

Come in!
Good to see you. Come in.

So this is
where I live.

Oh, wow,
look at this place.

- What's happened?
- Figures.

See, I told you so.

It wasn't
like this before.

This is beautiful!

Told ya.
Didn't I tell ya?

I've got a cake
in the oven.

I'll go check on it.

Come in!
Excuse me.

I didn't look
like this before.

- Phillip.
- It's like in a movie.

Phillip, it's no movie.
It's for real.

That was funny!

I'm sorry, I love pulling people's
legs sometimes.

The kids
hate me for it.

I think we need a cold beer,
or a stiff drink,

a cup of coffee
after such a crazy evening!

What can I get you, huh?

- How about a dozen eggs.
- What's that, Carl?

Some farm fresh eggs.

Carl...

Carl
and his fantasies.

So much
is happening to you.

What's happening?

Well, maybe this
isn't exactly...

Carl, you're coming
out of your shell.

It's great to see.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

So, what
do you feel like?

Do you think that
we should tell them?

Now?
Yes, why not.

As I told Jesper
on the phone,

I've made a decision.
We're going to Paris.

Well, that's really super!

- Are you sure?
- Of course.

- Great timing.
- Terrific. See?

So, you can forget
about Paris.

Hold your tongue,
young man, do you hear?

- Ulla?
- Yeah, what is it?

I don't know
what you're planning,

but I know you're
one cool hamster.

- Albert.
- No, I mean cruel monster.

Cool hamster.

And you are
a cool hamster, Albert.

Getting braces
for his mouth?

- I won't!
- It's done.

- I won't!
- It's done.

I said I'm not going!

- You'll do as you're told.
- I'll run away from home.

Oh stop!
Don't be foolish.

- lt'll do you good.
- Oh yeah?

Yes, of course.
It'll be like an adventure.

- Adventure?
- Exactly.

It'll give you a chance
to step out of your sick little existence.

- Sick existence?
- For a lack of words, yes.

Carl.

Carl.

Come on now.

It wasn't fair
what happened.

Mom's not dead,
she's just somewhere else.

Yeah, she is.
And she won't be coming back.

Carl...

Carl, listen.

We need to move on,
both of us.

I'm sure that mom
is sitting up there--

you know,
looking down upon us.

She's thinking,

"Those two, they should be
having fun again.

They're the people
I love."

I think we deserve...

to laugh again.

And run around,
being silly.

Right?

Know what I did?

No. No.

I bought
a white shirt.

A white shirt?

A chalk white shirt.

You're crazy.

It's like
a confirmation.

No, no, no,
you look great.

What's going on?
And where's Sofie?

We're having
a guest tonight.

Who is it?

Well, you'll see.

I think I know.

Hi.

- I'm glad you could make it.
- I'm glad that you called.

Bring Rikke?

Hi, Carl.

Thanks so much
for the invite.

Well, we're just glad that you're here.
Cheers. Carl?

Carl.

Is this
a little weird,

your father asking
your teacher for dinner?

- I don't know.
- Maybe it wasn't such a good idea.

No, it was
a great idea.

Carl and I are pleased
that you wanted to see us.

Right, Carl?
Carl, come on.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Are you planning
to invade?

Sorry?

Where's your planet?

Carl!
Carl!

It's mine.
It rings all the time.

- I'm sorry.
- Uhh...

Yeah, I know.

Jesper Osboll.

Carl, Carl, Carl.

Ulla, Ulla, Ulla.

My little Carl.

My little Ulla.

What do you want
with my father?

We like each other.

- Ulla?
- Huh?

I know you're an alien.

Oh?

Hmm.

Mean one of these?

You all right?

Just some journalist.

They keep calling
about my book.

I think we should eat
before it gets cold.

Carl, why don't you
pass the vegetables.

Carl?
Carl, wake up.

Carl.

You look like
you've seen a monster.

Then all of a sudden,
she was gone,

from one day
to the next.

I thought I'd never
be human again.

Ulla, have you ever
known love?

Jesper, I don't know
what it is.

Ahh...

I really doubt that.

Where I come from,
it just doesn't exist.

Oh-- oh really?

Well, that's too bad.
What about your mother and father?

My mother ate
my father.

I'm not surprised
to hear that, I'm afraid.

Marriage can be
quite consuming.

It's very common.
She was, in a sense, hungry,

and she devoured him.

What?

Well, I'm assuming

that she sucked the life
right out of him, right?

Yeah, where I come from,
that's just what we do.

- Oh?
- You find a mate,

have children,
then eat him alive.

Goodness...

you've obviously had
and interesting upbringing.

That's why I need
to learn about love.

- Why?
- So we stop destroying each other.

Well, that's why
I wrote my book.

So, what am l
supposed to do?

Well, you begin to talk...

about your feelings,

and then when--

when your heart
begins to...

beat real fast--

You're
invincible then?

Invincible?

Ah, you could
put it like that.

It's a fairly
simple way.

I do believe that
love beats all.

- Hi.
- Hi, Maria.

I'm sorry.
She wouldn't sleep.

- That's okay.
- Here you go.

She insisted on
sleeping in her own bed.

- Daddy.
- I got you now.

Hi, Maria.
How's Rikke?

Fine.

- How about a glass of wine?
- No, I ought to get back.

You sure you won't have a glass?
Join us.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

- Ready for tomorrow?
- Yeah.

Hopefully we can get
the kids to get on the bus.

Mmm.

- Long drive.
- We'll make stops along the way.

Southern Jutland, right?

Southern Jutland, yeah.
It's quite lovely.

No, no, please,
come on!

Put me down! Put me down!
I don't want to go!

Everyone, calm down.

There's no need
to act this way.

We understand that
this is exceptionally hard

for some of you.

To be quite frank,
Ulla is upset.

Do you really want
to make her cry?

You realize this is the last
you'll ever see of your son.

Take a good look.
Don't forget this face.

And for the rest of your lives,
you'll be thinking

one single thought,

that we sent our son

to a place where
he never came back.

He vanished forever.

But Ulla has found
a sensible answer for everyone.

Let me go ahead
and have him tell you.

Jesper.

Hello, everyone, please.

I'm Carl's dad, and...

I'm coming along.

I'll provide a reliable link
between all of you

and your parents.

I'm sure we'll have
a wonderful trip with Ulla.

- Come on.
- How about we all climb aboard?

Okay.
Keep your jacket closed.

Have a good time, sweetie.
It'll be fine.

You might have told me.

The driver called Ulla late last night--
he got Salmonella poisoning.

And I can drive a coach,

so I'm coming.

Wow, you are
full of surprises.

# 98 bottles of milk
on the wall #

# 98 bottles of milk #

# You take one down,
you pass it around #

# 97 bottles of milk
on the wall #

# 97 bottles
of milk on the wall #

# 97 bottles of milk #

# You take one down,
you pass it around #

# 96 bottles
of milk on the wall #

# 96 bottles of milk
on the wall #

# 96 bottles of milk... #

#...bottles of milk
on the wall #

# 48 bottles of milk #

# You take one down #

# You pass it around #

# 47 bottles
of milk on the wall #

# 47 bottles of milk
on the wall #

# 47 bottles of milk... #

This is it.

Now your dad's
in the picture.

# 42 bottles of milk
on the wall #

# 42 bottles of milk #

# You take one down #

# You pass it around #

# 41 bottles
of milk on the wall... #

Ooh, what a weird place.

Bunk beds-- sends a chill
through your spine, huh, Tobias?

Shut the hell up, Malthe!

You shut up!
You're all so fucking paranoid.

You know what,
you're a pigheaded jerk!

Come on, what do you think's
going to happen?

- She'll eat us?
- Don't worry, we're out of here tomorrow.

- But where to?
- To Paris of course.

Or Gondor!

We won't make it to Paris.

Don't you love
traveling?

Ulla, have you found
a use for me?

We'll see.

But I have for Jesper.

Just glad to know
that I could be of help.

I think we should visit
the poultry farm tomorrow.

visit the farm.
visit the farm.

They want to show us
around the farm,

the people
who own the farm.

Good idea.

I have things
to prepare.

Sexy.

Okay, here it is:

Ulla Harms is taking us
to her planet.

We're her guinea pigs.

I don't get it. Why?

My father wrote a book

about the most powerful
force in the universe.

Atomic bomb?

Love.

Hippie Carl, man.

What's with you,
falling in love?

Better come see.

What's she doing?

What the fuck
is she doing?

- She's preparing.
- For what?

To take us away.

Ulla?

What are you doing?

I just thought you'd rather not
sleep alone tonight.

Huh?

Ulla, I really think
you could use a man.

Ulla, I really think
you could use a man.

You're positive
you can drive it?

Piece a' cake.

But will the engine
make noise?

We'll just push it
down the hill.

Come on! Push it!

- Go!
- Come on, hurry!

- Come on!
- Get on quick!

Come on, get on!

Move, move,
move, move, move!

Where's Carl?
Hello? Where's Carl?

Get on!
Move!

Let's go!

- We're the best, man!
- Yeah!

I think
you're great, Albert.

Thanks.
You're great too.

Come on, Albert,
let's hit it!

Albert!

What's the matter?

Albert! Albert!

We left my dad.

He'll be all right.

Albert!
Albert!

Albert!

Fuck!

My dears...

...this bus will
never get us...

...where we're going.

Say good-bye
to your last day on Earth.

Cut it out,
you moron!

Why do want to visit
a fucking poultry farm for?

I think
it's really interesting.

It's important to know just where--
what you eat comes from.

City kids like us
have no idea

where it comes from.

- Shut your hole.
- Now we know.

Has anyone seen
my computer?

Have you noticed
the kids?

- This trip is already helping.
- Will you knock it off?!

- Give me a break!
- What's your problem?

They're normal again.

It's too bad Claus' wife
came down with Salmonella.

I didn't even know he was married.
Did you?

Turn in here.

This the poultry farm?

Yeah.

This is where they have
thousands of chickens

crammed into
those tiny cages?

They're going to have
to learn about it someday.

We're here.
Let's go!

Ulla...

Ulla.

What's the plan here?

Just go inside.

Come on inside,
everyone.

Come on.

Let's go.

Well, okay, kids,
you're here to learn,

and this is as good
a place as any, I guess.

Maybe.
We'll see.

Yeah.

What are you waiting for?
Let's go.

Come out into
the farmyard, Carl.

We'll be leaving
in a moment.

Come on.

What are you doing?!

Where are the others?

I'll shoot you,
believe me!

Leave or you're dead,
I swear!

Ma.

Carl, my son.

My little angel.

You're not going
to leave now.

Just stop!
Stop this!

You don't think
I believe it!

- What-- why would you--
- You're not my mother!

Why are you
saying that?

Because my mom is dead!

Stop right there!

Carl! Carl!

Where are they?

Where are they?
Tell me!

- Carl!
- Fuck!

What happened
to you guys?

What happened?
Get us out of here!

Quiet!
Quiet!

The ball.
The ball she had.

Yeah, there was a ball--
right over there.

Destroy it. You destroy it
and you destroy her too.

Carl, go, go on.
Go find it, Carl, hurry!

- Carl.
- Stop right there!

- I can't destroy it!
- You have to try.

- It's too big!
- The grinder.

- What the hell is a grinder?
- lt'll crush anything.

Do it, Carl.
Go find the grinder

- and crush the ball.
- Where is it?

Yeah, you got to go
behind the large barn, past the silo.

Quiet!
Where is it?

Where is it?

Carl!

Carl!

Stop!

Don't take another step!

Sorry.

Carl, I'm just--

there I am up in the sky,
looking down on you people

who have so much love.

I just want somebody
to love me.

That's what
this is about, really.

I mean, is that
too much to ask?

Seriously, is it, Carl?

I need this for my people.

But everyone--
everyone says no, love, no,

because you come from up there,
you can't have happiness like we have.

Please understand!

Please, just try
in your heart to understand!

To be loved,
that's all I want.

Anyone, anyone, please!

Ulla.
Ulla.

- Ulla.
- Yeah?