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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,067 --> 00:00:01,968 Previously on "Miracle Workers"... 2 00:00:01,970 --> 00:00:03,469 I want to do more to help. 3 00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:06,672 I will transfer you to the Department of Answered Prayers. 4 00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:08,746 Impossibles go all the way to the top. 5 00:00:08,748 --> 00:00:10,510 And so, if anyone can handle them, he can. 6 00:00:10,512 --> 00:00:14,037 I decided to blow up Earth. I guess that's it. 7 00:00:14,039 --> 00:00:16,714 If I answer one of these "Impossible" prayers, 8 00:00:16,739 --> 00:00:17,838 you spare Earth. 9 00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:19,339 It's a bet. 10 00:00:19,341 --> 00:00:21,108 I really like this girl. 11 00:00:21,110 --> 00:00:23,643 Okay, love prayers never work. 12 00:00:23,645 --> 00:00:24,811 But related prayer. 13 00:00:24,813 --> 00:00:27,114 I really like this guy. 14 00:00:27,883 --> 00:00:29,750 Okay. This could work. 15 00:00:40,095 --> 00:00:42,429 Rosie, if anyone comes looking for me, 16 00:00:42,431 --> 00:00:44,831 tell them I'm in a meeting. 17 00:00:44,833 --> 00:00:46,767 With God! 18 00:00:48,704 --> 00:00:51,838 Religion... stupid, dangerous, pointless. 19 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:53,270 Just [BLEEP] everything up. 20 00:00:53,272 --> 00:00:54,474 Hey, I got all your missed calls. 21 00:00:54,476 --> 00:00:56,376 - What's the emergency? - Love you, Bill! 22 00:00:56,378 --> 00:00:59,038 Have you heard of this guy Bill Maher? 23 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:00,884 - The talk-show guy? - Yeah. 24 00:01:00,886 --> 00:01:01,982 Do you think he's funny? 25 00:01:01,984 --> 00:01:03,216 'Cause I've been watching his stuff, 26 00:01:03,218 --> 00:01:05,118 and I don't know about these jokes. 27 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:07,509 - You mean the jokes about you? - Oh, no. 28 00:01:07,511 --> 00:01:08,822 I don't care about that. I mean... 29 00:01:08,824 --> 00:01:12,159 No, I just... I just don't... I don't think he's funny. 30 00:01:12,587 --> 00:01:14,253 So, what do you want to do? 31 00:01:14,255 --> 00:01:17,823 Well, I mean, I wasn't thinking about "doing" anything. 32 00:01:17,825 --> 00:01:20,593 I'm just... But now that you bring it up, 33 00:01:20,595 --> 00:01:22,595 what's that thing that where we can, uh... 34 00:01:22,597 --> 00:01:24,430 - you know... - Kill him? 35 00:01:24,432 --> 00:01:25,931 Whoa! Sanj! 36 00:01:25,933 --> 00:01:28,767 Did you just drop the "K" bomb? Wow! 37 00:01:28,769 --> 00:01:31,503 Wouldn't want to get on your bad side, Ice Man. 38 00:01:32,540 --> 00:01:33,739 Ai-ai-uh-uh! Whoo! Uh! 39 00:01:33,741 --> 00:01:35,074 Ooh! Freezer burn. 40 00:01:36,611 --> 00:01:37,977 But, yeah, kill him. 41 00:01:37,979 --> 00:01:40,012 Okay. Well, the good news is, 42 00:01:40,014 --> 00:01:41,747 Bill Maher's already scheduled to die 43 00:01:41,749 --> 00:01:44,450 along with everyone else, when the Earth explodes in 13 days. 44 00:01:44,452 --> 00:01:46,318 You know what's funny, is that, 45 00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:50,589 you know how sometimes, like, a day can feel so long? 46 00:01:50,591 --> 00:01:52,124 Okay, I'll go find a way to kill him. 47 00:01:52,126 --> 00:01:53,764 Ice Man. 48 00:01:54,428 --> 00:01:56,061 I love you, buddy. 49 00:01:56,063 --> 00:01:57,329 Okay. 50 00:02:21,277 --> 00:02:29,295 Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com 51 00:02:29,297 --> 00:02:30,863 Okay. 52 00:02:30,865 --> 00:02:32,364 If we're gonna get these humans kissing, 53 00:02:32,366 --> 00:02:33,866 - we need to know more about them. - Right. 54 00:02:33,868 --> 00:02:36,235 First up, we have Laura. 24 years old. 55 00:02:36,237 --> 00:02:40,272 Works at an escape room called "Solitary Confunment." 56 00:02:40,274 --> 00:02:42,541 Listen up, ya jailbirds. 57 00:02:42,543 --> 00:02:45,544 A couple of ground rules, see? 58 00:02:45,546 --> 00:02:47,579 Don't touch the actors, see? 59 00:02:47,581 --> 00:02:51,150 And if you're looking for some clues, just ask the... 60 00:02:51,152 --> 00:02:52,618 warden. 61 00:02:52,620 --> 00:02:53,919 End clip. 62 00:02:53,921 --> 00:02:55,754 What about Sam? What's his deal? 63 00:02:55,756 --> 00:02:57,656 So, Sam is also 24 years old. 64 00:02:57,658 --> 00:02:59,024 He was born with extra teeth, 65 00:02:59,026 --> 00:03:01,160 and he seems to really love his grandmother. 66 00:03:01,162 --> 00:03:02,828 Yahtzee! 67 00:03:05,961 --> 00:03:07,566 Oh, this might be harder than we thought. 68 00:03:07,568 --> 00:03:10,169 Well, look, neither of them are particularly socially adept. 69 00:03:10,171 --> 00:03:12,972 But I ran a compatibility check, 70 00:03:12,974 --> 00:03:16,041 and they scored a 98%. 71 00:03:16,043 --> 00:03:18,844 Whoa! They have so much in common. 72 00:03:18,846 --> 00:03:20,779 They both pretend to text in elevators 73 00:03:20,781 --> 00:03:22,514 in order to avoid potential small talk. 74 00:03:22,516 --> 00:03:23,983 They were both accidentally omitted 75 00:03:23,985 --> 00:03:25,484 - from their high-school yearbook. - Dang. 76 00:03:25,486 --> 00:03:27,286 They laugh at the same insurance commercial, 77 00:03:27,288 --> 00:03:29,088 they cry at the same car commercial, 78 00:03:29,090 --> 00:03:32,458 and they sing along incorrectly to the same dumb commercial. 79 00:03:32,460 --> 00:03:35,361 ? Chewing some gum and having a fun ? 80 00:03:35,363 --> 00:03:37,429 Ooh, they both love gye-ros with extra green onions. 81 00:03:37,431 --> 00:03:39,031 I think it's pronounced "jai-ros" but yes, 82 00:03:39,033 --> 00:03:40,666 and they both have matching pollen allergies. 83 00:03:41,936 --> 00:03:43,569 No wonder they want to be together. 84 00:03:43,571 --> 00:03:45,704 Unfortunately, they are both so shy 85 00:03:45,706 --> 00:03:47,639 that they haven't actually communicated 86 00:03:47,641 --> 00:03:49,004 since the night they met. 87 00:03:49,510 --> 00:03:51,510 What are they waiting for? 88 00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,312 A sign. 89 00:03:53,314 --> 00:03:55,547 Cool. How does it work? 90 00:03:55,549 --> 00:03:59,852 We send them subtle clues to gently influence their actions. 91 00:04:00,432 --> 00:04:01,854 - Huh. - Yeah! 92 00:04:01,856 --> 00:04:03,455 Now, on the night they met, they had 93 00:04:03,457 --> 00:04:06,892 a fascinating conversation about the game of badminton. 94 00:04:06,894 --> 00:04:08,494 Let's have a listen. 95 00:04:08,496 --> 00:04:10,896 So, I hit the badminton thing with the badminton racket, 96 00:04:10,898 --> 00:04:13,298 and I was like, "Badminton's fun. 97 00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:15,534 I think I like badminton." 98 00:04:15,536 --> 00:04:17,503 Wow. I-I've never played badminton, 99 00:04:17,505 --> 00:04:18,737 but I really want to now. 100 00:04:18,739 --> 00:04:20,406 - You should! - End clip. 101 00:04:20,408 --> 00:04:21,907 They spoke of badminton. 102 00:04:21,909 --> 00:04:24,743 Thus, if we remind them of badminton, 103 00:04:24,745 --> 00:04:26,745 they will see it as a sign... 104 00:04:26,747 --> 00:04:28,680 a call to arms. 105 00:04:28,682 --> 00:04:31,050 Each other's arms, as it were. 106 00:04:32,119 --> 00:04:33,819 Yeah. I mean, I don't know. 107 00:04:33,821 --> 00:04:36,555 The game begins. 108 00:04:41,395 --> 00:04:44,897 So, I found some build-up in Bill Maher's left ventricle. 109 00:04:44,899 --> 00:04:46,432 Looks like all we have to do is thicken it up, 110 00:04:46,434 --> 00:04:48,967 and he'll have a massive heart attack by end of day. 111 00:04:48,969 --> 00:04:51,370 Wow, that's great, Sanjay! 112 00:04:51,372 --> 00:04:53,439 - So we could explode his heart... - Mm-hmm. 113 00:04:53,441 --> 00:04:54,706 ...or his lungs... 114 00:04:54,708 --> 00:04:55,988 or his penis. 115 00:04:55,990 --> 00:04:57,609 Explode his penis? 116 00:04:57,611 --> 00:04:59,545 Whoa, Sanjay! 117 00:04:59,547 --> 00:05:01,013 Now, that's an idea! 118 00:05:01,015 --> 00:05:02,781 - Oh, no. I don't know if, uh, that's... - Rosie! 119 00:05:02,783 --> 00:05:04,450 ...something that... 120 00:05:04,452 --> 00:05:06,118 Wow, you're not gonna believe this. 121 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:09,955 Sanjay, tell Rosie your idea about Bill Maher. 122 00:05:09,957 --> 00:05:11,837 About his penis. 123 00:05:13,422 --> 00:05:17,467 I guess, uh... my idea... 124 00:05:18,466 --> 00:05:21,033 is to explode his penis. 125 00:05:21,035 --> 00:05:23,769 - Wow. - I know. 126 00:05:23,771 --> 00:05:26,338 Ice Man is on the warpath. 127 00:05:26,340 --> 00:05:28,707 Better go handle that. 128 00:05:30,611 --> 00:05:33,745 So, uh, I guess, uh, we should probably get started. 129 00:05:33,747 --> 00:05:36,615 No. This is all you. 130 00:05:36,617 --> 00:05:38,884 This is insane! 131 00:05:38,886 --> 00:05:40,886 I'm an executive. 132 00:05:42,556 --> 00:05:44,490 Have fun! 133 00:05:44,492 --> 00:05:46,625 Gust. Gust. 134 00:05:47,205 --> 00:05:49,728 Breeze. Zephyr. 135 00:05:49,730 --> 00:05:52,364 Quarter-breeze. Updraft. 136 00:05:52,366 --> 00:05:54,299 Yes! Boo-yah! 137 00:05:54,301 --> 00:05:56,869 In a mere six hours, I've successfully blown 138 00:05:56,871 --> 00:05:59,004 a badminton birdie from a rooftop court 139 00:05:59,006 --> 00:06:01,607 all the way to Laura's living room. 140 00:06:01,609 --> 00:06:04,209 That is what I call a sign. 141 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:08,514 - Mmm. - What is that? 142 00:06:08,516 --> 00:06:10,616 It's a mustard packet. It's a little treat. 143 00:06:10,618 --> 00:06:12,613 You do something good, you get a little reward. 144 00:06:12,615 --> 00:06:14,887 Here. Have one. 145 00:06:14,889 --> 00:06:16,822 Oh, hello. Look. It's happening. 146 00:06:20,161 --> 00:06:21,823 Hmm. 147 00:06:23,464 --> 00:06:26,198 Okay. Onto the next sign. 148 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:28,167 Craig, okay, I've been doing research, 149 00:06:28,169 --> 00:06:30,969 and it seems like people never pick up on signs. 150 00:06:30,971 --> 00:06:33,672 Okay? No matter how obvious they are. Look. 151 00:06:33,674 --> 00:06:35,107 Ooh! 152 00:06:35,109 --> 00:06:37,910 'Tis a crow-y day, indeed. 153 00:06:37,912 --> 00:06:40,268 Well, time for the theater. 154 00:06:40,270 --> 00:06:42,147 This will be a normal night. 155 00:06:42,149 --> 00:06:45,017 See? This badminton thing is not gonna work. 156 00:06:45,019 --> 00:06:47,085 We need to be bolder. 157 00:06:47,087 --> 00:06:48,220 What? 158 00:06:48,222 --> 00:06:50,022 Eliza? 159 00:06:50,024 --> 00:06:52,145 Out of my way, black cat. 160 00:06:52,293 --> 00:06:54,564 I'm late for my fun play. 161 00:07:14,248 --> 00:07:17,015 Hey, colleagues! 162 00:07:17,017 --> 00:07:20,719 Ahh! I'm Sanjay from upstairs. 163 00:07:20,721 --> 00:07:23,655 - Love what you guys do down here. - Oh, thanks. 164 00:07:23,657 --> 00:07:25,857 Um, we... we hardly ever get acknowledged, so... 165 00:07:25,859 --> 00:07:28,527 Listen, I'm gonna need you to explode Bill Maher's penis. 166 00:07:28,529 --> 00:07:30,596 - What? - It's important. 167 00:07:30,598 --> 00:07:33,065 Um, sir, I-I think there's been a misunderstanding 168 00:07:33,067 --> 00:07:34,600 about what we do here in Genitals. 169 00:07:34,602 --> 00:07:36,168 Our powers are extremely limited. 170 00:07:36,170 --> 00:07:38,066 We mainly just try to enforce puberty. 171 00:07:38,606 --> 00:07:40,339 Well, I need this dick exploded. 172 00:07:40,341 --> 00:07:44,142 So I guess you better get to it, huh? 173 00:07:44,144 --> 00:07:47,145 Thaaaaanks, guys. 174 00:07:47,147 --> 00:07:48,480 Okay. 175 00:07:48,482 --> 00:07:50,449 Do you guys know how to... 176 00:07:51,518 --> 00:07:53,819 Ha! I figured it out. 177 00:07:53,821 --> 00:07:55,487 We can get Sam and Laura together. 178 00:07:55,489 --> 00:07:58,357 We just need to engineer... a Chance Encounter. 179 00:07:58,359 --> 00:08:00,559 Oh, no. Those are very risky. 180 00:08:00,561 --> 00:08:01,660 Check it out. 181 00:08:01,662 --> 00:08:03,762 They both live near the same hospital, 182 00:08:03,764 --> 00:08:06,164 so all we need to do is get them there at the same time. 183 00:08:06,166 --> 00:08:07,866 Step one... injure Laura. 184 00:08:07,868 --> 00:08:10,936 I found a melon near an open window along her route to work. 185 00:08:10,938 --> 00:08:13,238 We blow it off, it clonks her on the head, 186 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:14,840 and she goes straight to the ER. 187 00:08:14,842 --> 00:08:18,310 With Sam, I figure we just pop his appendix. 188 00:08:18,312 --> 00:08:19,778 They spot each other in the ER, 189 00:08:19,780 --> 00:08:22,652 sparks fly, they kiss. 190 00:08:23,817 --> 00:08:25,322 World saved. 191 00:08:25,919 --> 00:08:28,387 Okay. It's very... It's... I don't... 192 00:08:28,389 --> 00:08:29,655 I don't know, though. Um... 193 00:08:29,657 --> 00:08:31,290 Oh, don't worry. Appendixes are easy. 194 00:08:31,292 --> 00:08:33,191 Look, there's even a button for it. 195 00:08:33,193 --> 00:08:34,359 Oh, you've seen that. 196 00:08:34,361 --> 00:08:36,094 Um... I know. 197 00:08:36,096 --> 00:08:38,563 This is not the kind of stuff you usually do, 198 00:08:38,565 --> 00:08:40,832 and it's a little, you know... 199 00:08:40,834 --> 00:08:42,534 It's outside of your comfort zone, 200 00:08:42,536 --> 00:08:44,403 and I get why you're scared. 201 00:08:44,405 --> 00:08:46,171 Oh, no. No. I'm not scared. 202 00:08:46,173 --> 00:08:47,506 - You're not? - No. 203 00:08:47,508 --> 00:08:50,142 I'm a bold, intrepid man with a strong mind. 204 00:08:50,144 --> 00:08:51,143 I'm a risk taker. 205 00:08:51,145 --> 00:08:54,212 I'm a big, bad boy. 206 00:08:54,214 --> 00:08:57,015 So that's a yes to the plan? 207 00:08:57,017 --> 00:08:58,083 Yes. 208 00:08:58,085 --> 00:08:59,328 - Yes? - Yes. 209 00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:00,819 - Yes! - Yeah. 210 00:09:00,821 --> 00:09:02,921 - Oh, yes. - Okay. 211 00:09:02,923 --> 00:09:06,258 I hope these lovebirds like hospital food. 212 00:09:08,362 --> 00:09:11,463 Oh, Jean-Claude, I'd be lost without you. 213 00:09:11,465 --> 00:09:13,098 Don't neglect the heel cap. 214 00:09:13,100 --> 00:09:14,399 You know what they say. 215 00:09:14,401 --> 00:09:15,734 It's not the clothes that make the man. 216 00:09:15,736 --> 00:09:16,787 It's the man who makes the... 217 00:09:16,789 --> 00:09:18,422 Aren't you meant to be off dealing with that penis? 218 00:09:18,424 --> 00:09:20,672 Oh, yeah. I put someone on that. 219 00:09:20,674 --> 00:09:23,442 Part of being an executive is knowing when to delegate. 220 00:09:23,444 --> 00:09:25,377 Sanjay! Get in here! 221 00:09:25,379 --> 00:09:26,678 You don't have to come. 222 00:09:28,582 --> 00:09:30,182 - Look at this! - Bill Maher, 223 00:09:30,184 --> 00:09:32,050 or should we say "Bill More," 224 00:09:32,052 --> 00:09:33,885 was feeling cocky as he dragged 225 00:09:33,887 --> 00:09:36,855 more than one hot dog down the street. 226 00:09:36,857 --> 00:09:38,023 His dick grew! 227 00:09:38,025 --> 00:09:40,225 We asked the anti-religious provocateur 228 00:09:40,227 --> 00:09:42,928 how he felt about his blessing, and the funnyman quipped, 229 00:09:42,930 --> 00:09:45,731 "God is as fake as my dick is huge." 230 00:09:45,733 --> 00:09:47,733 Happy birthday to Bill Maher! 231 00:09:47,735 --> 00:09:49,334 - Come on! - I don't know what happened! 232 00:09:49,336 --> 00:09:50,602 I'll tell you what happened. 233 00:09:50,604 --> 00:09:52,270 You messed up, man! 234 00:09:52,272 --> 00:09:53,705 I thought you could handle this. 235 00:09:53,707 --> 00:09:55,974 You're supposed to be an executive. 236 00:09:58,145 --> 00:10:02,043 Stick around for more girthy gossip right after the break. 237 00:10:02,716 --> 00:10:03,982 All right. 238 00:10:03,984 --> 00:10:06,685 Melon is in position. 239 00:10:06,687 --> 00:10:09,154 All we gotta do now is hit this button, 240 00:10:09,156 --> 00:10:10,589 and bonk! We're in business. 241 00:10:10,591 --> 00:10:12,758 Laura approaching. 242 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:14,793 All right. Let's do this. 243 00:10:17,264 --> 00:10:18,530 Oh, no! Wait! 244 00:10:18,532 --> 00:10:20,732 Um, we... we don't have enough power 245 00:10:20,734 --> 00:10:22,634 - to execute this sequence. - What? 246 00:10:22,636 --> 00:10:26,238 We need to increase the voltage to the valve coil, 247 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:27,839 which is sort of down there a bit. 248 00:10:27,841 --> 00:10:28,774 Oh. Oh, okay. 249 00:10:28,776 --> 00:10:30,142 - Yeah. Yeah. - Okay, thank you. 250 00:10:30,144 --> 00:10:31,443 - Dream team. - Whoo-hoo, yes. 251 00:10:44,625 --> 00:10:45,924 Huh. 252 00:10:45,926 --> 00:10:50,195 I couldn't find a breaker box or anything resembling a... 253 00:10:51,298 --> 00:10:52,831 What the [BLEEP]! 254 00:10:52,833 --> 00:10:55,467 What happened? Oh, no! 255 00:10:55,469 --> 00:10:56,835 Did it fall early?! 256 00:10:56,837 --> 00:10:59,271 Oh, what a disappointment for both of us. 257 00:11:00,808 --> 00:11:03,341 So, I had an idea for a sign 258 00:11:03,343 --> 00:11:05,410 involving their matching pollen allergies. 259 00:11:05,412 --> 00:11:07,345 Did you do this? 260 00:11:09,183 --> 00:11:10,816 - Yes! Yes, yes! - Why? 261 00:11:10,818 --> 00:11:12,350 Because I... If I can be extremely blunt, 262 00:11:12,352 --> 00:11:15,821 I just thought that your plan was maybe possibly... 263 00:11:15,823 --> 00:11:16,888 Stupid. My plan was stupid. 264 00:11:16,890 --> 00:11:18,156 No. Is that what you're saying? 265 00:11:18,158 --> 00:11:19,524 No, no, no, no, no. 266 00:11:19,526 --> 00:11:21,226 It's... It's just that, yesterday, you... 267 00:11:21,228 --> 00:11:23,261 you did cause that typhoon, 268 00:11:23,263 --> 00:11:25,597 which unfortunately killed many people, and then, 269 00:11:25,599 --> 00:11:27,165 after that, you convinced God to blow up the Earth, 270 00:11:27,167 --> 00:11:31,102 so I just think that a little bit of caution is advisable. 271 00:11:31,104 --> 00:11:33,635 You're not cautious, Craig. 272 00:11:34,107 --> 00:11:35,440 You're a coward. 273 00:11:39,346 --> 00:11:40,979 Oh, shit. My melon. 274 00:11:40,981 --> 00:11:42,619 There goes our fruit salad. 275 00:11:42,783 --> 00:11:44,270 Barbara's gonna be furious. 276 00:11:51,425 --> 00:11:52,924 Oh. 277 00:11:52,926 --> 00:11:54,195 Good. There you are. 278 00:11:54,197 --> 00:11:55,961 Um... 279 00:11:55,963 --> 00:11:58,830 can we go back downstairs where it's not as dangerous 280 00:11:58,832 --> 00:12:01,204 and there's not ledges to stand near? 281 00:12:01,902 --> 00:12:03,802 Uh, right you are. 282 00:12:08,041 --> 00:12:10,709 I'm very sorry that I broke the melon. 283 00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:12,344 It's fine. 284 00:12:12,346 --> 00:12:15,947 I was just trying to help, but, as usual, 285 00:12:15,949 --> 00:12:17,349 I made things worse. 286 00:12:17,351 --> 00:12:20,418 Eliza, you're down on yourself, and I get it. 287 00:12:20,420 --> 00:12:22,587 If the world explodes, then you will go down 288 00:12:22,589 --> 00:12:24,189 as history's greatest murderer. 289 00:12:24,191 --> 00:12:25,991 - Nobody wants that. - From now on, 290 00:12:25,993 --> 00:12:28,265 I am just going to stay out of the way. 291 00:12:28,267 --> 00:12:29,661 No. Please no. 292 00:12:29,663 --> 00:12:32,364 - I need you in the way. - Why? 293 00:12:32,366 --> 00:12:34,199 Because you were right about me. 294 00:12:34,201 --> 00:12:35,500 Right? I am not brave. 295 00:12:35,502 --> 00:12:37,769 Not even slightly. But you are. 296 00:12:37,771 --> 00:12:39,037 And... And that... That's... 297 00:12:39,039 --> 00:12:40,972 That's what Earth needs right now. 298 00:12:40,974 --> 00:12:43,909 And I certainly can't do this without you. 299 00:12:46,079 --> 00:12:48,446 Also, I've been thinking about it, and you were right. 300 00:12:48,448 --> 00:12:50,982 A Chance Encounter really might work. 301 00:12:50,984 --> 00:12:53,339 We just have to refine the execution a bit. 302 00:12:54,388 --> 00:12:55,854 How? 303 00:12:55,856 --> 00:12:58,023 Well, I don't know yet, but I was kind of hoping 304 00:12:58,025 --> 00:12:59,724 we could figure that out together. 305 00:13:05,299 --> 00:13:06,565 Okay. 306 00:13:06,567 --> 00:13:08,033 - Okay. - Downstairs? 307 00:13:08,035 --> 00:13:09,267 Yes. Thank you, 308 00:13:09,269 --> 00:13:10,481 thank you. 309 00:13:16,877 --> 00:13:18,376 What the shit?! 310 00:13:18,378 --> 00:13:20,178 Oh, I-I-I can explain. 311 00:13:20,180 --> 00:13:23,181 We pumped Bill Maher's glands full of hormones in hopes 312 00:13:23,183 --> 00:13:26,484 that his penis would expand and then pop like a balloon, 313 00:13:26,486 --> 00:13:29,588 and everything was going smoothly, but then... 314 00:13:29,590 --> 00:13:30,919 What?! 315 00:13:31,325 --> 00:13:33,725 As Bill's penis became larger, 316 00:13:33,727 --> 00:13:36,528 it grew more... more beautiful. 317 00:13:36,530 --> 00:13:38,964 At a certain point, we realized it would be immoral for us 318 00:13:38,966 --> 00:13:40,699 to destroy something so perfect. 319 00:13:40,701 --> 00:13:41,967 I don't care. 320 00:13:41,969 --> 00:13:43,501 This is coming from the top! 321 00:13:43,503 --> 00:13:44,933 Just blow it up! 322 00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:49,441 With respect, we refuse. 323 00:13:49,443 --> 00:13:51,232 This isn't the Department of Anuses. 324 00:13:51,234 --> 00:13:52,996 We have integrity. 325 00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:54,546 Okay, fine! 326 00:13:54,548 --> 00:13:56,527 I'll do it myself! 327 00:13:56,931 --> 00:13:59,064 Pump-O-Tron activated. 328 00:14:01,555 --> 00:14:03,254 Why isn't this working? 329 00:14:03,256 --> 00:14:05,390 You have to put your eyes up to the eye hole, 330 00:14:05,392 --> 00:14:07,830 and, uh, stare at the penis when you pump. 331 00:14:08,562 --> 00:14:09,791 Why? 332 00:14:10,410 --> 00:14:12,210 Uh, I don't... 333 00:14:15,036 --> 00:14:16,635 How many pumps is this gonna take? 334 00:14:16,660 --> 00:14:18,260 50,000. 335 00:14:18,305 --> 00:14:19,717 50,000? 336 00:14:21,087 --> 00:14:22,720 Yeah. 50,000. 337 00:14:27,833 --> 00:14:29,414 1. 338 00:14:29,416 --> 00:14:31,216 2. 339 00:14:31,218 --> 00:14:33,351 Okay, here's our target... Bob's Hummus House. 340 00:14:33,353 --> 00:14:36,375 It's perfect... halfway between Sam and Laura's apartments. 341 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,523 And, most importantly, it serves their favorite food. 342 00:14:38,525 --> 00:14:40,025 Gyros. 343 00:14:40,027 --> 00:14:41,426 Let's get them there. 344 00:14:41,428 --> 00:14:43,886 First step... cut off their food supply. 345 00:14:43,888 --> 00:14:46,865 Oh. Dang. 346 00:14:46,867 --> 00:14:47,999 Laura's a little trickier. 347 00:14:48,001 --> 00:14:49,467 She never has any food in the house. 348 00:14:49,469 --> 00:14:50,769 Always orders in. 349 00:14:50,771 --> 00:14:53,104 Lucky for us, there's a simple fix. 350 00:14:53,106 --> 00:14:56,141 We blow up the satellite for her cellphone provider. 351 00:14:59,446 --> 00:15:00,812 Oh, dang. 352 00:15:00,814 --> 00:15:03,715 Nice work. Now to lure them in. 353 00:15:14,828 --> 00:15:17,362 Mmm, gye-ro. 354 00:15:18,899 --> 00:15:20,699 Mmm. 355 00:15:20,701 --> 00:15:22,267 Jai-ros. 356 00:15:24,004 --> 00:15:25,908 30 seconds to contact. 357 00:15:27,271 --> 00:15:29,040 Wait. Why is Sam stopping? 358 00:15:29,042 --> 00:15:30,909 Ooh, pizza. 359 00:15:30,911 --> 00:15:32,110 No, no, no. What? 360 00:15:32,112 --> 00:15:33,478 No, I've scanned the route three times. 361 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,447 Every place Sam likes should be closed by now. 362 00:15:35,449 --> 00:15:37,615 No, something's happening at Pizza Bongiorno. 363 00:15:37,617 --> 00:15:40,218 If you're just joining us, comedian Bill Maher 364 00:15:40,220 --> 00:15:43,288 is dead after a tragic and confusing incident 365 00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:46,424 that has shaken the world of comedy and medicine. 366 00:15:46,426 --> 00:15:48,226 We have to close that shop. Now. 367 00:15:48,228 --> 00:15:50,328 Maher's family has announced that the funeral 368 00:15:50,330 --> 00:15:52,630 will "definitely be closed casket." 369 00:15:52,632 --> 00:15:55,066 Aaaah! 370 00:15:57,037 --> 00:15:58,269 I did it. 371 00:15:59,873 --> 00:16:01,539 It's done. 372 00:16:01,541 --> 00:16:04,743 Look. Look, he's turning back around. 373 00:16:04,745 --> 00:16:05,752 Yes! 374 00:16:05,754 --> 00:16:07,846 Awesome work. We're back on track. 375 00:16:07,848 --> 00:16:09,013 Thank you, and this pizza gentleman 376 00:16:09,015 --> 00:16:10,115 is gonna live, right? 377 00:16:10,117 --> 00:16:12,283 We are back on track. 378 00:16:18,825 --> 00:16:20,024 No! They're gonna miss each other! 379 00:16:20,026 --> 00:16:21,059 What do we do now? 380 00:16:21,061 --> 00:16:22,590 I've got an idea. 381 00:16:28,401 --> 00:16:29,868 Matching pollen allergies. 382 00:16:29,870 --> 00:16:31,024 You're good. 383 00:16:31,026 --> 00:16:32,433 Gesundheit. 384 00:16:33,194 --> 00:16:34,493 Sam? 385 00:16:34,518 --> 00:16:36,251 Laura? 386 00:16:36,476 --> 00:16:38,476 Wow. 387 00:16:40,046 --> 00:16:42,080 Now what? 388 00:16:42,082 --> 00:16:45,316 Now we just sit back and watch the sparks fly. 389 00:16:52,993 --> 00:16:55,160 Remember the bathroom line at the party? 390 00:16:55,162 --> 00:16:57,095 Yeah, yeah. 391 00:16:57,097 --> 00:16:59,063 It was long. 392 00:16:59,065 --> 00:17:00,999 Ohh, no. 393 00:17:01,001 --> 00:17:02,467 - Not like here. - Nope. 394 00:17:02,469 --> 00:17:05,981 There's... There's no bathroom line. 395 00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:07,343 Nope. 396 00:17:08,108 --> 00:17:10,375 I can't watch this. It's really hard to watch. 397 00:17:15,382 --> 00:17:18,116 Can I maybe get your number? Do you want to hang out sometime? 398 00:17:18,118 --> 00:17:19,417 Yes. 399 00:17:19,419 --> 00:17:20,218 What?! Yes! 400 00:17:20,220 --> 00:17:21,286 Yes! Go on! 401 00:17:21,288 --> 00:17:22,620 Oh, yes! Never in doubt! 402 00:17:22,622 --> 00:17:24,455 - Yes! Yeah! - Yes! 403 00:17:24,457 --> 00:17:26,057 - Yes! - Oh! 404 00:17:26,059 --> 00:17:27,192 - Go! - Yes! 405 00:17:27,194 --> 00:17:28,906 Go, Sam and Laura. 406 00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:32,197 Oh, thank you. Help yourself to one of these. Oh, no. 407 00:17:32,199 --> 00:17:33,375 I'm gonna put you in your phone. 408 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,033 - My... - Your... 409 00:17:35,035 --> 00:17:37,202 - I'm gonna put my name as "Sam." - Sam. Yeah. 410 00:17:37,227 --> 00:17:39,971 All right, Sanjay! 411 00:17:39,973 --> 00:17:42,140 I hope you're proud. You look proud. 412 00:17:42,142 --> 00:17:44,342 Tell you what, I'm proud of you. Wow. 413 00:17:44,344 --> 00:17:47,745 I mean, I know how much you hated Bill Maher. 414 00:17:47,747 --> 00:17:49,714 How much he hurt you. 415 00:17:49,716 --> 00:17:51,716 And it would've been so easy for you 416 00:17:51,718 --> 00:17:54,252 to just keep taking the hits, night after night, 417 00:17:54,254 --> 00:17:55,854 special after special. 418 00:17:55,856 --> 00:17:57,255 But you stuck to your guns, 419 00:17:57,257 --> 00:18:00,313 and that's why you are one heck of an executive. 420 00:18:01,094 --> 00:18:02,857 Thanks, God. 421 00:18:04,030 --> 00:18:05,463 All right. 422 00:18:05,465 --> 00:18:07,582 I hope you're hungry for some gumbo. 423 00:18:07,584 --> 00:18:08,891 What? 424 00:18:08,893 --> 00:18:10,268 Aah! 425 00:18:10,871 --> 00:18:12,403 For Lazy Susan's! 426 00:18:12,405 --> 00:18:14,205 Oh, I bet you thought I forget about our restaurant. 427 00:18:14,207 --> 00:18:16,574 Now, don't worry. I am still all in, 428 00:18:16,576 --> 00:18:18,443 fully committed to our dream. 429 00:18:18,445 --> 00:18:22,513 Now, I need you to taste-test all of these gumbos immediately. 430 00:18:22,515 --> 00:18:25,617 They range from very thick to almost solid. 431 00:18:25,619 --> 00:18:28,786 Can Rosie taste some of the gumbos? I'm allergic. 432 00:18:28,788 --> 00:18:31,322 Well, that's more for you. 433 00:18:31,324 --> 00:18:34,826 Ah, love you, buddy. I love you. 434 00:18:34,828 --> 00:18:36,117 Uh-huh. 435 00:18:36,119 --> 00:18:38,730 Oh, and let me know if you find my tweezers. 436 00:18:38,732 --> 00:18:40,465 Oh, okay. 437 00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:41,833 No, no, no, no. 438 00:18:41,835 --> 00:18:44,302 Rosie, Rosie. Rosie, this is ridiculous. 439 00:18:44,304 --> 00:18:46,104 Okay, I'm not even hungry. 440 00:18:46,106 --> 00:18:48,139 I ate a full lunch. 441 00:18:48,141 --> 00:18:49,474 My arms are in a sling. 442 00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:51,776 I've got to come at this mouth-first?! 443 00:18:51,778 --> 00:18:53,111 This is crazy! 444 00:18:53,113 --> 00:18:54,913 I'm an executive! 445 00:18:54,915 --> 00:18:58,349 Good morning, good morning. How's it going? 446 00:18:58,351 --> 00:18:59,617 She's already texting him. 447 00:18:59,619 --> 00:19:01,185 Oh, nice. 448 00:19:01,187 --> 00:19:02,487 Oh, thanks. 449 00:19:10,096 --> 00:19:12,830 - Oh! - I am so sorry. 450 00:19:12,832 --> 00:19:15,199 No, don't, uh... 451 00:19:17,203 --> 00:19:19,137 ...worry about it. 452 00:19:19,139 --> 00:19:20,872 Who's this guy? 453 00:19:20,874 --> 00:19:22,240 I don't know. 454 00:19:22,242 --> 00:19:24,809 You know, it's funny. I... 455 00:19:24,811 --> 00:19:26,678 I ran in here to get out of the rain. 456 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:31,153 And once we started talking, the rain stopped. 457 00:19:32,118 --> 00:19:33,990 Maybe it's a sign. 458 00:19:34,988 --> 00:19:36,120 Maybe. 459 00:19:36,122 --> 00:19:38,222 - Not a sign. Not a sign. - No. No. How? 460 00:19:38,224 --> 00:19:40,725 - How would that be a sign?! - It's not a [BLEEP] sign! 461 00:19:42,329 --> 00:19:44,395 Pizza-shop owner and philanthropist 462 00:19:44,397 --> 00:19:47,031 Vincent Alfonsi is fighting for his life tonight 463 00:19:47,033 --> 00:19:48,700 after his appendix ruptured, 464 00:19:48,702 --> 00:19:52,603 leaving him stranded for hours inside his darkened pizzeria. 465 00:19:52,605 --> 00:19:54,806 Alfonsi, known for the Thanksgiving pies 466 00:19:54,808 --> 00:19:58,042 that he distributes personally to the city's neediest children, 467 00:19:58,044 --> 00:19:59,849 will never walk again. 468 00:19:59,851 --> 00:20:01,813 In my 20 years as a journalist, 469 00:20:01,815 --> 00:20:04,949 I've never seen such a beloved community fixture suffer 470 00:20:04,951 --> 00:20:07,251 so randomly and horribly. 471 00:20:07,253 --> 00:20:09,493 It makes one question everything. 472 00:20:09,495 --> 00:20:10,922 Sports is next. 32730

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