Original subtitles

It's Friday, Friday, Friday, on NBC.

By the way, we're for sale.

So come on, folks, dial the number on your screen.

Then press "one" to buy the evening news.

Press "two" for the entertainment division.

Press "three" for actual, live TV executives...

...who will talk to you about your fantasies.

Hello. I was wondering...

...if I buy the news division...

...do I get to use Tom Brokaw any way I want to?

Bryant Gumbel?

You can keep him.

God, for once I'm actually glad to be home.

A customer comes in the store today...

Tall, willowy brunette.

Sits down, says she'd like to try on a pair of size-12 pumps.

So I'm down there, you know, just doing my job...

...and notice she's wearing a garter belt, like I like.

And a nice pair of silk stockings.

All the time, she's smiling at me.

All of a sudden...

...she uncrosses her legs, like in Basic Instinct.

You saw it all?

Yes.

It was a guy!

Oh, Peg. I tell you...

Does this mean that I'm...? That I'm...?

Gay, Al?

No, Peg. Just because I was vaguely excited...

...touching a man's calf and I don't want to sleep with you, no.

I have no doubts about my sexuality.

No, what I was wondering was...

...am I too sexy for my own good, Peg?

Now, I mean, I don't wanna turn on men...

...so I come to the expert.

Peg, how do you make them not want you?

Well, apparently you marry them.

Oh, come on, honey, it's Friday night. Let's go out.

I hear there's a revival...

...of The Sound of Music playing downtown.

I'm not gay.

Come on, honey. Get that toe a-tapping.

I'm not gay!

God, what a day at the diner.

Damn vegetarians.

They're so damn picky.

I mean, they find one cat's claw in the chopped salad...

And the way they scream you'd think it was his head or something.

What are they complaining about? A cat's practically a vegetable anyway.

And if that wasn't enough, this transvestite comes in.

A really obvious one.

I mean, you could spot him from a mile off. Those huge calves.

Like anyone wouldn't notice.

He wanted some shoes, so I sent him over to your store.

I thought you could use a good laugh, you know.

Honey, you're hurting Daddy's feelings.

He was attracted to that man.

That wasn't my transvestite.

Mine was a good-looking man...

...and smelled vaguely of hyacinth.

You two can be so cruel sometimes.

I'm not gay!

Daddy's gay?

Yes, honey.

I'm bored. What say the three of us go down to the male strip club...

...and we can watch Daddy fight for the guys.

Oh, not tonight, Mom. I'm too tired to go out.

Well, how could you be tired?

I've been sleeping all day.

How could she understand what it's like...

...to live off the sweat of our bras? - Yeah.

Yeah, or bending down all day long, looking up men's dresses.

I want somebody to go out with me.

Well, why don't you ask Bud?

Something's gotta prepare him for a lifetime of going out with his mother.

I mean, who taught Liberace?

Ask your father, I'm sure he knows all about it.

I am not gay. Would a gay man dress like this?

Or endure one moment in a house this color?

Excuse me, family, while I say good night to my date.

Lulu, one for the road.

Good things do come in small packages.

Well, then you should have him turn around.

I almost forgot.

Yup.

Did you hear the news?

They discovered a bright, new, shiny star in the heavens...

...and I do believe it's me.

I hit upon a grand scheme:

I volunteered as a nude model for an all-girls art class.

Did you have to move around so that they could do all seven dwarfs naked?

I'll talk to you when I need a Coke and fries.

But when a girl wants to draw a nude in positions...

...far too embarrassing for a guy who cares what people think...

...well, that's when they come to "Buff" Bundy:

Buttocks for Hire.

- Anything you wanna say to me, Dad? - Actually, son, I wanna know...

...are you sure that was a girl? Because...

...just because it looks like a girl doesn't necessarily mean that it is one.

Dad, did you get lost and go to the wrong nudie bar again?

How was I supposed to know what that song "Macho Man" really meant?

Had a good beat, everybody was dancing.

I thought all the girls were in the restroom.

You know how girls go together and everything.

Yeah. Sure, Dad.

You see, what matters here is...

...I'm finally peaking while you're creaking.

Two old people on the couch.

Oh, sorry, Kel. Make that three old people.

Come on, everyone, say, "Clapper."

That is just ridiculous.

I am not getting old.

There's something terribly wrong here.

My brother's cooler than me.

My aged mother's cooler than me.

Even my new, gay daddy is cooler than me.

It was just a harmless calf caress, that's all it was.

Mom, give Dad a wine spritzer.

I'm in a crisis.

I've gotta do something wild. Something out of control.

Something that reaffirms my youth.

I am gonna fight this with every breast in my body.

Here we go, son.

Saturday afternoon, working on the car.

Just like when you were a kid, eh, son?

Sure is, Dad.

In fact, it's the same exact car.

You know, Bud, someday this car is gonna be yours.

Thanks, Dad.

Please, please don't paint it, okay?

Yeah. It is cool.

These here are the sleekest, sexiest lines...

...American engineers could come up with.

Why just the name itself bespeaks power and wealth:

"Dodge."

That about says it all. Check the oil.

Down a quart. Give me an OXY pad.

Yeah.

Gay, huh?

Let's see a gay guy do this.

Al, Kelly didn't go to work today.

Where could she be?

Look what I bought.

Kelly, you can't possibly keep this motorcycle.

It is far too dangerous, especially for you.

On a motorcycle, concepts like left, right, and stop are more critical.

Well, I'm keeping my bike.

It's gonna keep me young.

Kel, it's not a time machine.

And it's not your body, so keep your hands off it.

Honey, you have to get rid of it.

No one who loves you would want you to endanger your life like this.

We saw the motorcycle.

We saw the motorcycle and we rushed over.

Oh, Al.

We couldn't be happier that you got one.

You know, there are a lot of myths about motorcycles.

Like that "always wear a helmet" thing.

But that's not for men like you.

Popping wheelies, going 90 the wrong way on the interstate...

...that's for cool outlaw guys like you.

Ride like the wind, wild one.

Drive fast, drive often and drive when you're really, really tired.

Marcie, it's not Al's.

It's Kelly's.

Oh, God, get rid of it. They're killers.

Give it to your father.

Ride like the wind, wild one.

I'm sorry, but I'm keeping my bike.

How could I take advice from you people?

I mean, two of you are geeks and two of you are my parents.

I'll let you decide who's who.

Well, maybe I can be of some help.

After all, Kelly...

...we both live under the rule of older, dull, parental figures.

But sometimes the fogies can be right.

Oh, I'm a living witness to the real horror of the motorcycle.

Yeah. I had a bike once.

Oh, it seemed like fun.

But then, one day I was driving along when suddenly it happened:

The wind whipped through my hair, knotting it, splitting my ends.

It was chaos. I had to be airlifted to a special hair clinic in Switzerland.

My head soaked in conditioner for three solid weeks.

But on the good side...

...I did get to share a room with Don King.

Kelly, you are just doing this as an act of rebellion.

You're feeling old, aren't you?

Well, what you need to find are some grown-up ways...

...to have fun and make life interesting.

For instance, when I'm feeling a little down...

...to brighten my day, I cut all my hair off.

Then I wait for it to grow back so I can cut it all off again.

Cut, cut. Snip, snip.

Then I take all the hairs up off the floor and make little animals.

Okay. As you can see, we've got quite a life going.

Okay, Marcie, let's go renew your prescription at the drugstore.

You think this will make a nice reindeer?

Well, it's been more fun than I can describe with my limited vocabulary...

...but I'm gonna ride my bike now.

Kelly, honey, you know...

...I rode a few motorcycles when I was young.

I remember the wind, the speed...

...the vibration...

...the whirring.

Oh, God, if only they made stationary motorcycles.

How can I make you people understand?

I mean, having a motorcycle's gonna open up new vistas for me.

Things you can't do in a car.

You can ride alone.

You can ride in a group of other motorcycles.

You can ride alone, but go to the place where the group rode their cycles.

You can go to this place and talk about motorcycles...

...and then you can get back on and go home.

Plus, I can't return it, because I can't remember where I bought it.

You're the king, baby.

Dad, will you help me crowbar Mommy off my bike?

I must heed the call of the open road.

I must fly like the beagle.

I'm gonna eat my Trix on Route 66.

Oh, the freedom. I can ride my bike anywhere, anytime.

Nothing is gonna keep me off of it.

Rain. Daddy, can I borrow the car?

Thank you.

Mom...

Hi, honey. I was just looking at it.

Upstairs, Al. Now.

How could I talk Kelly out of this?

She doesn't listen to me.

I don't blame her. Nobody does. I'm an idiot.

But I'm not gay.

I'm sensitive.

Yeah, I should've bought a motorcycle.

And I never would have worn a helmet.

I have a lot to fear from cracking my skull.

It takes a lot of brain-tongue coordination to babble, "Size 9."

But it would've been great.

Yeah, but I have all this.

So long, everybody!

Oh, my God! What have I done?

Oh, Daddy, you were right.

The bike is dangerous.

What if it was me? I could've been hurt.

What, Daddy?

"I won one"?

Nine-one-one.

Here's your gruel, Daddy.

You know, I learned a valuable lesson:

Motorcycles are far too dangerous.

You're much safer in a car.

I mean, I didn't even feel any impact when I hit you.

Get this out of the way.

What, Daddy?

Oh, goody, now we're playing pirate.

Where be the gold?

Oh, you're the coolest, Daddy. And you're so smart.

I mean, you knew that the only way to convince...

...an impetuous youth like myself was to show me.

And you did that.

I guess you do love me. Oh, don't you, you big lug?

Dirty scum.

Mommy? She's out taking care of what's left of my bike.

Come with Mommy.

The cold garage is no place for you.

When you're done with Daddy, just put him in the garage.

Well, for once, everybody's happy.

I love you, Daddy.