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1
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:19,831
It's Friday, Friday, Friday, on NBC.
2
00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:21,917
By the way, we're for sale.
3
00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:24,594
So come on, folks,dial the number on your screen.
4
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,155
Then press "one"to buy the evening news.
5
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:29,351
Press "two"for the entertainment division.
6
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,438
Press "three" for actual,live TV executives...
7
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:34,710
...who will talk to youabout your fantasies.
8
00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:45,590
Hello. I was wondering...
9
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:47,313
...if I buy the news division...
10
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:51,195
...do I get to use Tom Brokaw
any way I want to?
11
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:56,630
Bryant Gumbel?
12
00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,151
You can keep him.
13
00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:16,510
God, for once
I'm actually glad to be home.
14
00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:21,393
A customer
comes in the store today...
15
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,636
Tall, willowy brunette.
16
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:28,709
Sits down, says she'd like
to try on a pair of size-12 pumps.
17
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:32,635
So I'm down there, you know,
just doing my job...
18
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,157
...and notice she's wearing
a garter belt, like I like.
19
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:44,118
And a nice pair of silk stockings.
20
00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:48,193
All the time, she's smiling at me.
21
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:49,628
All of a sudden...
22
00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:53,469
...she uncrosses her legs,
like in Basic Instinct.
23
00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:58,959
You saw it all?
24
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:01,792
Yes.
25
00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:04,510
It was a guy!
26
00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,591
Oh, Peg. I tell you...
27
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,314
Does this mean
that I'm...? That I'm...?
28
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,471
Gay, Al?
29
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,470
No, Peg. Just because
I was vaguely excited...
30
00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:22,753
...touching a man's calf
and I don't want to sleep with you, no.
31
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,758
I have no doubts about my sexuality.
32
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,871
No, what I was wondering was...
33
00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:30,197
...am I too sexy
for my own good, Peg?
34
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:33,749
Now, I mean, I don't wanna
turn on men...
35
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,235
...so I come to the expert.
36
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:40,278
Peg, how do you
make them not want you?
37
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:46,433
Well, apparently you marry them.
38
00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:51,357
Oh, come on, honey,
it's Friday night. Let's go out.
39
00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:52,788
I hear there's a revival...
40
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,992
...of The Sound of Music
playing downtown.
41
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:58,671
I'm not gay.
42
00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:03,270
Come on, honey.
Get that toe a-tapping.
43
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,311
I'm not gay!
44
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,356
God, what a day at the diner.
45
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,869
Damn vegetarians.
46
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:32,628
They're so damn picky.
47
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,877
I mean, they find
one cat's claw in the chopped salad...
48
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:39,038
And the way they scream you'd think
it was his head or something.
49
00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:43,199
What are they complaining about?
A cat's practically a vegetable anyway.
50
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:47,509
And if that wasn't enough,
this transvestite comes in.
51
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,188
A really obvious one.
52
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:55,677
I mean, you could spot him
from a mile off. Those huge calves.
53
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:57,874
Like anyone wouldn't notice.
54
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:04,357
He wanted some shoes,
so I sent him over to your store.
55
00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:08,638
I thought you could
use a good laugh, you know.
56
00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:13,471
Honey, you're hurting
Daddy's feelings.
57
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:16,274
He was attracted to that man.
58
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:18,874
That wasn't my transvestite.
59
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,469
Mine was a good-looking man...
60
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,000
...and smelled vaguely of hyacinth.
61
00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:28,358
You two can be so cruel sometimes.
62
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,956
I'm not gay!
63
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,837
Daddy's gay?
64
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,518
Yes, honey.
65
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:41,870
I'm bored. What say the three of us
go down to the male strip club...
66
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,958
...and we can watch Daddy
fight for the guys.
67
00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:53,277
Oh, not tonight, Mom.
I'm too tired to go out.
68
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:54,913
Well, how could you be tired?
69
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,554
I've been sleeping all day.
70
00:05:58,080 --> 00:05:59,957
How could she
understand what it's like...
71
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,152
...to live off the sweat of our bras?
- Yeah.
72
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:08,554
Yeah, or bending down all day long,
looking up men's dresses.
73
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:19,199
I want somebody to go out with me.
74
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:20,628
Well, why don't you ask Bud?
75
00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:24,230
Something's gotta prepare him for
a lifetime of going out with his mother.
76
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,833
I mean, who taught Liberace?
77
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:32,075
Ask your father,
I'm sure he knows all about it.
78
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,394
I am not gay.
Would a gay man dress like this?
79
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,717
Or endure one moment
in a house this color?
80
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:58,157
Excuse me, family,
while I say good night to my date.
81
00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:00,715
Lulu, one for the road.
82
00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:08,916
Good things do come
in small packages.
83
00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:11,876
Well, then you should
have him turn around.
84
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,790
I almost forgot.
85
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,677
Yup.
86
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:47,913
Did you hear the news?
87
00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:51,078
They discovered a bright, new,
shiny star in the heavens...
88
00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:53,475
...and I do believe it's me.
89
00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:57,312
I hit upon a grand scheme:
90
00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:00,398
I volunteered as a nude model
for an all-girls art class.
91
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:04,758
Did you have to move around so that
they could do all seven dwarfs naked?
92
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:09,795
I'll talk to you when I need
a Coke and fries.
93
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:14,195
But when a girl wants
to draw a nude in positions...
94
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:17,278
...far too embarrassing for a guy
who cares what people think...
95
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,870
...well, that's when they
come to "Buff" Bundy:
96
00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:23,914
Buttocks for Hire.
97
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,551
- Anything you wanna say to me, Dad?
- Actually, son, I wanna know...
98
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:32,354
...are you sure that was a girl?
Because...
99
00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:38,555
...just because it looks like a girl
doesn't necessarily mean that it is one.
100
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,396
Dad, did you get lost
and go to the wrong nudie bar again?
101
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:46,716
How was I supposed to know what
that song "Macho Man" really meant?
102
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:48,911
Had a good beat,
everybody was dancing.
103
00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:51,475
I thought all the girls
were in the restroom.
104
00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:54,433
You know how girls
go together and everything.
105
00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:00,993
Yeah. Sure, Dad.
106
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,236
You see, what matters here is...
107
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:07,149
...I'm finally peaking
while you're creaking.
108
00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:10,797
Two old people on the couch.
109
00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:15,877
Oh, sorry, Kel.
Make that three old people.
110
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:19,153
Come on, everyone, say, "Clapper."
111
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:30,839
That is just ridiculous.
112
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:33,076
I am not getting old.
113
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:37,312
There's something
terribly wrong here.
114
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:39,556
My brother's cooler than me.
115
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:42,115
My aged mother's cooler than me.
116
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,198
Even my new, gay daddy
is cooler than me.
117
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:49,235
It was just a harmless
calf caress, that's all it was.
118
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,796
Mom, give Dad a wine spritzer.
119
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,228
I'm in a crisis.
120
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:56,238
I've gotta do something wild.
Something out of control.
121
00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:58,317
Something that reaffirms my youth.
122
00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:02,069
I am gonna fight this
with every breast in my body.
123
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:08,557
Here we go, son.
124
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:12,119
Saturday afternoon,
working on the car.
125
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,794
Just like when you
were a kid, eh, son?
126
00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:16,354
Sure is, Dad.
127
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:19,028
In fact, it's the same exact car.
128
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:23,197
You know, Bud, someday
this car is gonna be yours.
129
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:26,678
Thanks, Dad.
130
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,991
Please, please don't paint it, okay?
131
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:31,475
Yeah. It is cool.
132
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,996
These here are the sleekest,
sexiest lines...
133
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,555
...American engineers
could come up with.
134
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,752
Why just the name itself
bespeaks power and wealth:
135
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:41,832
"Dodge."
136
00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:46,716
That about says it all. Check the oil.
137
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:51,234
Down a quart. Give me an OXY pad.
138
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:54,753
Yeah.
139
00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:09,717
Gay, huh?
140
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:12,835
Let's see a gay guy do this.
141
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,197
Al, Kelly didn't go to work today.
142
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,470
Where could she be?
143
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:32,028
Look what I bought.
144
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:43,797
Kelly, you can't possibly
keep this motorcycle.
145
00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:47,191
It is far too dangerous,
especially for you.
146
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:53,714
On a motorcycle, concepts like left,
right, and stop are more critical.
147
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:56,553
Well, I'm keeping my bike.
148
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,318
It's gonna keep me young.
149
00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:00,516
Kel, it's not a time machine.
150
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:05,196
And it's not your body,
so keep your hands off it.
151
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,558
Honey, you have to get rid of it.
152
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:13,230
No one who loves you would want you
to endanger your life like this.
153
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,669
We saw the motorcycle.
154
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,269
We saw the motorcycle
and we rushed over.
155
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:23,708
Oh, Al.
156
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:26,832
We couldn't be happier
that you got one.
157
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:30,634
You know, there are a lot of myths
about motorcycles.
158
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,832
Like that "always wear
a helmet" thing.
159
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,077
But that's not for men like you.
160
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:40,319
Popping wheelies, going 90
the wrong way on the interstate...
161
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,677
...that's for cool
outlaw guys like you.
162
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,632
Ride like the wind, wild one.
163
00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:50,630
Drive fast, drive often and drive
when you're really, really tired.
164
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:53,478
Marcie, it's not Al's.
165
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:55,671
It's Kelly's.
166
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:59,032
Oh, God, get rid of it.
They're killers.
167
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:01,310
Give it to your father.
168
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:04,234
Ride like the wind, wild one.
169
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,950
I'm sorry, but I'm keeping my bike.
170
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:08,952
How could I take advice
from you people?
171
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,833
I mean, two of you are geeks
and two of you are my parents.
172
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,429
I'll let you decide who's who.
173
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:16,958
Well, maybe I can be of some help.
174
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:18,479
After all, Kelly...
175
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:23,151
...we both live under the rule
of older, dull, parental figures.
176
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,918
But sometimes
the fogies can be right.
177
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:30,317
Oh, I'm a living witness
to the real horror of the motorcycle.
178
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,397
Yeah. I had a bike once.
179
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,750
Oh, it seemed like fun.
180
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:39,033
But then, one day I was driving along
when suddenly it happened:
181
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:45,273
The wind whipped through my hair,
knotting it, splitting my ends.
182
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:50,748
It was chaos. I had to be airlifted
to a special hair clinic in Switzerland.
183
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:58,437
My head soaked in conditioner
for three solid weeks.
184
00:13:58,640 --> 00:13:59,868
But on the good side...
185
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,833
...I did get to share a room
with Don King.
186
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:09,912
Kelly, you are just doing this
as an act of rebellion.
187
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,111
You're feeling old, aren't you?
188
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,709
Well, what you need to find
are some grown-up ways...
189
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:17,070
...to have fun
and make life interesting.
190
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,874
For instance,
when I'm feeling a little down...
191
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:23,595
...to brighten my day,
I cut all my hair off.
192
00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:28,549
Then I wait for it to grow back
so I can cut it all off again.
193
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,637
Cut, cut. Snip, snip.
194
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:34,879
Then I take all the hairs up off the floor
and make little animals.
195
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:40,508
Okay. As you can see,
we've got quite a life going.
196
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:50,156
Okay, Marcie, let's go renew
your prescription at the drugstore.
197
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,398
You think this will
make a nice reindeer?
198
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:02,676
Well, it's been more fun than I can
describe with my limited vocabulary...
199
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,472
...but I'm gonna ride my bike now.
200
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,713
Kelly, honey, you know...
201
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:11,469
...I rode a few motorcycles
when I was young.
202
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,717
I remember the wind, the speed...
203
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:16,990
...the vibration...
204
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,071
...the whirring.
205
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:29,676
Oh, God, if only they made
stationary motorcycles.
206
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,031
How can I make
you people understand?
207
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:35,596
I mean, having a motorcycle's
gonna open up new vistas for me.
208
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:37,313
Things you can't do in a car.
209
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:38,873
You can ride alone.
210
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,196
You can ride in a group
of other motorcycles.
211
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:45,359
You can ride alone, but go to the place
where the group rode their cycles.
212
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,949
You can go to this place
and talk about motorcycles...
213
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:50,515
...and then you can get back on
and go home.
214
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:54,595
Plus, I can't return it, because
I can't remember where I bought it.
215
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:04,358
You're the king, baby.
216
00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:14,677
Dad, will you help me
crowbar Mommy off my bike?
217
00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:17,070
I must heed the call
of the open road.
218
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,999
I must fly like the beagle.
219
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:24,748
I'm gonna eat my Trix on Route 66.
220
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:29,669
Oh, the freedom.
I can ride my bike anywhere, anytime.
221
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,552
Nothing is gonna keep me off of it.
222
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,795
Rain. Daddy, can I borrow the car?
223
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:39,953
Thank you.
224
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,118
Mom...
225
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:48,075
Hi, honey. I was just looking at it.
226
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:52,510
Upstairs, Al. Now.
227
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,196
How could I talk Kelly out of this?
228
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,396
She doesn't listen to me.
229
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:06,160
I don't blame her.
Nobody does. I'm an idiot.
230
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,471
But I'm not gay.
231
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:12,318
I'm sensitive.
232
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,955
Yeah, I should've bought a motorcycle.
233
00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:21,788
And I never would have
worn a helmet.
234
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,393
I have a lot to fear
from cracking my skull.
235
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:29,633
It takes a lot of brain-tongue
coordination to babble, "Size 9."
236
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,236
But it would've been great.
237
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:35,910
Yeah, but I have all this.
238
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:39,514
So long, everybody!
239
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:12,274
Oh, my God! What have I done?
240
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:18,510
Oh, Daddy, you were right.
241
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,392
The bike is dangerous.
242
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,956
What if it was me?
I could've been hurt.
243
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,591
What, Daddy?
244
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:32,954
"I won one"?
245
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,510
Nine-one-one.
246
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,755
Here's your gruel, Daddy.
247
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,153
You know, I learned
a valuable lesson:
248
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,828
Motorcycles are far too dangerous.
249
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:04,473
You're much safer in a car.
250
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,070
I mean, I didn't even feel
any impact when I hit you.
251
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:10,517
Get this out of the way.
252
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,512
What, Daddy?
253
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,599
Oh, goody, now we're playing pirate.
254
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:24,551
Where be the gold?
255
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:28,873
Oh, you're the coolest, Daddy.
And you're so smart.
256
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,469
I mean, you knew that
the only way to convince...
257
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,875
...an impetuous youth like myself
was to show me.
258
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:35,308
And you did that.
259
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,988
I guess you do love me.
Oh, don't you, you big lug?
260
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,151
Dirty scum.
261
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:47,073
Mommy? She's out taking care
of what's left of my bike.
262
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,670
Come with Mommy.
263
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:56,595
The cold garage is no place for you.
264
00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:01,070
When you're done with Daddy,
just put him in the garage.
265
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:07,831
Well, for once, everybody's happy.
266
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,235
I love you, Daddy.
20595
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