All language subtitles for Man with a Plan - 03x03 - Put Him on the Ground.SVA-AVS.English.C.updated.Addic7ed.com

So, then I said to the eye doctor,

"I can't see it. I can't see it.

I can see it. It's gone again."

And he said I was very special,

and I might be eligible
for a service dog.

Great story, Ma.

And that clocked in at
just under 12 minutes.

Yeah.

And she's told it to everybody...

the grocer, the pharmacist,

some poor bastard who was
holding the door for her.

Shh.

Hey, there's my thoughtful husband.

All right, what is it?

Last time she called me thoughtful,

I had to clean a pound
of hair out of the drain.

That kid Julian is coming
over for a playdate with Emme,

but I have to take Kate to the doctor,

so you have to watch them.

Honey, I thought we
agreed no more Julian.

That kid's the worst.

Well, maybe while he's here,

he'll see how nice people behave,

and it'll rub off on him.

Yeah, only a mom would say that.

It's sweet and packed full of lies.

Dads know better.

Joe, there's no difference
between moms and dads.

Did you just roll your eyes?

No, no, I was making sure

all the light bulbs are working.

Okay, I know it's not
popular to say these days,

but there are some
things dads are better at.

The fact that we're so annoying

and you keep marrying
us proves my point.

We keep marrying you
because we're optimists

and they make the lids
on pickle jars too tight.

Well, he-he's not saying
dads are better than moms.

You're not saying that, are you?

I said dads are better at some things.

Okay, moms are better
at some things, too.

Okay. Like what?

Don't say cooking and cleaning, boy.

Okay, uh, if we're the same,

would you like to take care of
that dead squirrel on the roof?

I would totally do it, but I
saw an owl fly away with it.

And I know it was a mom
owl because she handled it

like a boss and then didn't spend

the next two hours
bragging about it. Ha!

- Am I right?
- Hey, hey.

Oh, high five. Fun.

Sorry I'm late.

I found a YouTube channel
of cats punching dogs.

Ooh.

Is it better than
chickens wearing pants?

I don't want to get political.

Now that Don is here,
I think we should talk

- about your knee surgery.
- Oh.

It's in a couple of weeks,

and the doctor said he should
hire a home health care nurse

for during the rehab,
but he won't agree.

I don't want some stranger in
my house going through my stuff.

What stuff? You mean
that jug of nickels?

Hey, when the world goes to hell,

the guy with the jug of nickels
is gonna be living like a king.

I got a can of dimes.
Smaller and twice the value.

You're a good boy, Donny.

- So, about this nurse...
- I'm not listening

to any more of this nurse stuff.

I'll be with the TV.

When I push mute, it stops talking.

Did he really leave, or
can I just not see him?

He's going through the
couch, looking for nickels.

Hey, Joe, I get half
of whatever you find.

Boys,

your dad's gonna need help,

and I can't get him to listen to reason.

He was much easier to control

when he was getting
that medical marijuana.

Well, his dealer was 85.

It was time to retire.

Someone needs to talk
him into getting a nurse,

and there's one person at
this table he'll listen to.

Oh, Ma.

That's why I need help

from his favorite son... Don.

What?

Dodged that bullet.

I heard it whistle past my
ear, and then it hit you.

'Cause you're a good boy, Donny.

Hey, that weird kid's looking at you.

Hello, Julian.

Listen, buddy.

Tell your kids to give me the swing.

Well, buddy, you just had your turn,

and it's Emme's turn now.

I don't care. I want to swing now.

Hey, we have something in common.

I don't care, either.

You're a butthead.

You're a butthead.

Two against one.

I guess you're a butthead.

I really don't like that kid.

He does have some good comebacks.

So, listen,

how am I supposed to get
Dad to agree to a home nurse?

Good luck. He never changes
his mind about anything.

He still drops his film at the Foto Hut

even though it's a
frozen yogurt place now.

Hey, what are you doing here?

It's still your turn.

Julian pushed me off the swing.

What? Teddy, did you see this?

Yeah, he pushed her right off.

And you didn't do anything?

I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Okay,

Julian can't think pushing
your little sister is okay.

Good thing there's a dad here.

Teddy...

put him on the ground.

I don't think Mom...

Mom is not here.

Put him on the ground.

Okay.

Hey, you pushed me!

He did it.

My son defended his sister.

Turn away, Don. You might see me cry.

So, Butterbean, Daddy was totally right

to tell Teddy to put
Julian on the ground.

But that's not the kind of
thing that Mommy'd understand.

Okay, so, let's play a little game

and see who can keep
this secret the longest.

I bet I can keep it until I die.

This is gonna be fun.

Yeah. Okay, now, where's
Teddy? I have to tell him, too.

- He's outside playing basketball.
- Okay.

And then I put Julian on the ground,

just like Dad told me to. Right, Dad?

Kids, go upstairs. I need
to talk to your father.

Okay, when are we gonna be old
enough to stay for one of these?

I'm gonna be married someday,
and I need to know how to do it.

I'm going.

You told Teddy to push Julian?

Yes, I did.

But we don't push people.

No, you don't, 'cause you're a mom.

Come on, join the dads.

It's fun over here. We push people.

There is no difference
between moms and dads.

Look, will you just trust me on this?

I handled it. It's dad time now.

- Okay, but...
- Hmm.

- this is gonna blow up in your face.
- Wha...?

And when it does, I'm
gonna say "I told you so,"

'cause that's something
moms are good at.

I think I did society a favor.

There's too many people
walking around out there

who don't know they're boneheads

because they didn't get
put on the ground as kids.

Did you get put on the ground as a kid?

Of course I did.

And yet you're still a bonehead.

My point stands.

But that was a good one.

That was a good one, yeah.

Yeah, that was a good one.

So, I have to warn you.

My dad's not real keen
on getting a nurse.

Maybe you should take off those scrubs

so Joe isn't put off when he walks in.

Oh, I think he might be more
put off by a topless male nurse.

Your résumé looks good.

Ten years experience,
rave recommendations.

At the top it says Funchy. What's that?

Oh, that's me.

I've got "fun" right in my name.

And "chi."

Oh, here comes Joe.

Let us do the talking.

We had to trick him to
get him to come down here.

Hey.

Is this the guy selling the
secret recipe for Coca-Cola?

Uh, we actually brought
you here to meet Funchy,

a home health care nurse
for after your knee surgery.

All right, listen up.

I'm gonna talk to you

the same way you talk to everybody else.

This is the guy. He's your nurse,

so no bellyaching.

Okay, you win.

Okay. I'll just grab a drink,

and then we can start the interview.

Then he just walks out the
door. It was the perfect trick.

It doesn't sound like much of a trick.

He just lied and left.

Well, the simplicity
is what made it perfect.

It's like ice. It's just frozen water,

but it changed the world.

Dad,

Teddy was using my mascara brush

to make it look like he had chest hair.

I just wanted to see what
it's gonna look like on me.

It's gonna look so good,

you won't mind that's
it's also on your back.

Oh, hey.

Your Uncle Don told me
you pushed a kid down.

All right, I don't
need any more lectures.

No, no. I'm proud.

He always seemed a little soft.

Next time, go for the windpipe.

You can't fight if you can't breathe.

Wait, so you agree with me?

Because Andi came out
pretty strong against it.

She's soft, just like Teddy used to be.

Oh, there's my boy.

I heard about what happened,

and I wanted to give
you my old boxing gloves.

If you need it to be over
quick, there's a hole inside

where you can slip in
a couple of batteries.

Kapowie! Hmm?

All right, all right,
take it easy, champ.

Thanks, Grandpa.

Hey, Kate, you want to go upstairs

and see if I can take a punch?

Yeah, all right.

Hey, guys.

What's the occasion?

Well, the occasion is
everybody agrees with me

about Teddy putting
that kid on the ground.

Yeah. You said it was
gonna blow up in my face,

but the only thing on my face

is a big smile from being right.

Am I really the only voice
of reason around here?

I hate to say it, but
this all comes back

to dads are just better
at some stuff than moms.

It doesn't even make sense.

Marcy agrees with you, and she's a mom.

Sorry. It's not the gender.

It's how your relationship works.

And in our relationship, he's the mom.

You tell 'em, Big Daddy.

Did you get Dad to
agree to that nurse yet?

Or did he pull another
Mission: Impossible

and just walk out right in front of you?

Don't worry about me. I still
got a few tricks up my sleeve.

Yeah? If you don't get dad a nurse,

the only thing up your
sleeve is gonna be sudsy water

when you're giving Dad a sponge bath.

Maybe I'll hold on to
these nurse résumés.

Now that I'm single,

I don't have anyone to take
care of me if something happens.

Plus, the company would be nice.

I wish they had a thing for single guys

where you could pay someone

to hang out with you on lonely nights.

They have that.

Yeah, they'll even dress
up like a nurse if you want.

Hi.

Hi, honey.

I'm surprised you came into work today.

Considering how right I was about Teddy,

I thought you might call in wrong.

Well, you'd be wrong.

Yeah, 'cause I just had
an interesting conversation

with Teddy's school.

He spent the morning
pushing kids at recess.

What?!

Sweet little Teddy
took it to the streets?

As a mom, I don't condone that.

I didn't tell him to push other kids.

Do you remember what I told you?

That this was gonna
blow up in your face?

Let's not live in the past.

Let's be about the future.

Well, the future is gonna be
me telling you, "I told you so."

I told you so. Welcome to the future.

Principal Collins, we are so sorry.

I mean, I-I'm sorry
because he's my kid, and,

well, he's sorry 'cause
it's all his fault.

Told you so.

Look, Teddy is a good kid.

He just got a little carried away.

I don't think we have to overreact.

Well, due to our zero
tolerance policy on fighting,

I'm placing him in detention
for the rest of the week.

I was just protecting
little kids from bullies.

Well, that changes everything.

We are all against
bullying here, I... I hope.

You're not pro-bully, are you?

Of course not.

I thought I was just acting like Batman.

There you go. Huh?

You wouldn't put Batman
in detention, would you?

Another option might be to
give him a little Batsuit

and let him do his thing.

People think I'm funny at work.

Okay, that's it. You are off the job.

It is Mom time now.

Mom time. That's funny.

Oh.

This is not my crowd.

You are in big trouble, mister.

You can't go around pushing people.

All right? You use your
words, or you get an adult.

What if that adult is Dad,
and he tells me to shove them?

Don't take me down with you.

We sleep in the same room.

It is never okay, ever.

What if someone's picking on Emme,

and my words don't work,
and there's no adults around?

Well...

Well...

Well, y...

You stumped her, pal.

What a week for you.

I'm not stumped, okay?

I'm just taking a moment to figure out

how to explain that obviously...

the answer is...

something I'm gonna tell
your dad in the other room.

- Dad?
- Hmm?

Am I still in trouble?

I think things are
looking up for both of us.

Yes, darling?

Look, I-I don't know
what to say to him.

I mean, I don't want anybody
pushing my daughter, /

but as a mom, I can't tell
him to push another kid.

- Hmm. So you want me to talk to him?
- Yeah.

- Because you're the mom.
- Yeah.

And I'm the...

What am I again?

Rhymes with "glad."

Bonehead?

Going down swinging. I respect that.

Okay. Fine, you're the dad,

and there's differences
between moms and dads.

Now I really need you to handle this!

It feels so good to be right.

This must be what it
feels like to be you.

All right.

Teddy,

step into the elevator
and let's take a ride up

to the men's department.

Okay?

Here's the deal.

You can't police the world.

Using your words is your
first and best option.

But sometimes... if
your words don't work,

you do what you have to
do to protect your family.

That is the code that we live by, hmm?

You're making it sound like the mob.

Yes! Thank you, Andi.

Thank you. We are like the mob.

Okay? And like the mob,

if you do the crime,

you do the time.

So, it's detention at school,

and I want you to apologize to
those kids from the playground.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So does our mob include my girlfriend?

You have a girlfriend?

Your first girlfriend?

Since when?

Since today. Chicks dig Batman.

Head upstairs and draw
on some chest hair, son.

You've earned it.

You're a good boy, Teddy!

- That was pretty good with Teddy.
- Mm.

Hey, you did your part, too.

Nah, you're just saying that.

No, I'm serious.

Moms appeal to kids' better nature,

and dads teach them
how to defend themselves

when other people don't have good moms.

I like that.

Yeah, I can get deep.

It's the beer. Beer makes me deep.

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

I tried everything, but I can't
get Dad to agree to a nurse.

I'm jeopardizing his
health, disappointing Mom.

I feel terrible.

Oh, Don, I hate seeing you like this.

Okay, I'll talk to Dad.

- Ha! No take-backs!
- Wha...?

What? You tricked me!

That's right. It's all on you now. Whoo!

I don't want to deal with this.

Well, you don't have to do it.

He said no take-backs.

He got me fair and square, Andi.

Dad,

we need to have a serious conversation

about you hiring Funchy.

Can we hurry this up? I left an old lady

in a wheelchair by the duck pond,

and she is not gonna sleep forever.

I hope.

Why are you doing this?

I thought Don was
handling the nurse stuff.

Don handed it off to me.

Which I knew he would.

Oh, this is working
out just like I planned.

Oh, so all that stuff

about him being the
favorite was to trick him.

No, no, that part's true.

I just didn't want to hurt his
feelings by asking you first.

Well, I'm glad we're not
hurting people's feelings.

Hey, look, Dad, we all know

that this knee surgery
is gonna be tough,

and you're gonna need some help.

Okay, okay, you're
always looking out for me.

I'm just gonna grab a
drink from the kitchen,

- and then we can get started.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, uh... mm, uh...

Damn, I guess that only works on Donny.

Listen,

you need a nurse, but
nobody can argue with you,

so I'm gonna have to appeal
to your better nature.

That's why I'm calling
in my teammate, Andi.

I knew you would ask her to do it.

Ah. I pull all the
strings in this family.

Nothing she says is
gonna change my mind.

I'm not getting a damn nurse!

Okay, let's just see how
you do in the hands of a mom.

Joe.

I love you, and I just...
just want you to make me proud.

What are you, my Little League coach?

I believe you have
it in you to try this,

because, well, you're
the bravest man I know.

- That's powerful because it's true.
- Yeah.

And you know the real
reason to get a nurse

is to lighten the load for Bev,

and I know you'd do
anything for your wife.

Fine, I'll have a nurse.

No take-backs. Ha! We got him.

But I won't be nice to him.

Oh, yay! I'm so glad I got this job.

Let me tell you, this
isn't gonna be easy.

He's been real touchy since
his pot guy retired to Orlando.

It was medical marijuana. I
only used it for my glaucoma

and your mother's boring stories.

I, too, am a big
believer in Vitamin Weed.

You should know, if I'm your nurse,

I won't be able to pass a drug test.

The good news is,

neither will you.

I like him.

But no taking my
temperature the baby way.

I don't know what these buttons do,

but I just knocked your ass out.

Hey, Funchy.

What are you doing here? He
hasn't had his surgery yet.

I brought over a little
pre-op medicine...

if you know what I mean.

I could smell what you
mean from the side walk.

Why did you call me?

There's a hair ball in my shower drain

and I hear you're good at fixing that.

Oh, no problem.

- Let me just get a drink first.
- Yeah.

It's the perfect trick.

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