All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s07e09 The Gift of the Mike Guyng

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Wow. We got to get
a better vacuum cleaner.

Got a tree growing right out of
the middle of the living room.

Yeah, it's a good one
this year, Mike, yeah.

And the smell, it's just--
it's-it's like it's hanging

from a rearview mirror.

Don't get too attached to it.

In 30 days we'll be kicking
that baby to the curb.

Hey, guys. Don't forget,
Kyle and I have plans tonight.

You're not gonna help us
decorate the fire hazard?

They are cultured, Mike.

They are going to The Nutcracker
with Kristin and Ryan.

Yeah. I've never been
to the ballet.

I can't believe they get
to wear slippers to work.

Well, buckle up. It's
three hours of people dancing,

occasionally interrupted
by people prancing.

So, tonight, tonight'll
just be you and me decorating.

Hmm. You all right with that?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Definitely.

It'll be like
when we were just married,

except our tree won't be a fern.

And we won't make the star
out of the tinfoil

-out of a Jiffy Pop thing.
-Mm.

You, uh, you remember
what we did with the butter?

Okay.

Come on, babe.
I'll take you to work.

But don't you want to know
what they did with the butter?

No.

-Have fun, guys.
-MANDY: Eh.

Do you, uh,
you have time to eat?

No. I'll eat at work.

A vending machine breakfast.

Glazed doughnuts and pork rinds
and a emergency rain poncho.

Hmm.

You know what...

I shouldn't give Ed a Christmas
gift this year, right?

That'd be-- that'd be--
that'd be stupid.

Well, no, you-you and Ed
never exchange gifts.

Yeah. Yeah.

But, you know, I thought
this year would be different

'cause he retired.

But that's not a good reason.

No, I-I think
that's a great reason.

But I have so much on my plate!

I-It feels like you want me
to talk you out of this.

Well, you're not doing
a really good job of it.

Honey, this-this is
the first Christmas

that Ed's not at the store.

I-I think you should get him
something special.

Now it's got to be
something special.

*

-Hey, Dad.
-Hey.

Just reminding you I'm leaving
a little early tonight.

That's right. Mom said
you're going to The Nutcracker?

Yay. Three hours
of people leaping

interrupted by people prancing.

Sometimes you make me so proud.

Uh, but I finished my personnel
requests for next year.

-You know, I could've just sent
that to you in an e-mail. -Thanks.

An e-mail doesn't keep loggers
employed.

Plus, when I hold 'em
in my hand like this,

I feel like I've finished
my job.

But I'm not finished yet!
Chuck!

-What's up?
-I'm gonna need those personnel reports, man.

I got to start making
these decisions

before the end of the year.

Oh! I'll have it to you
by the end of the day.

(chuckles)
Carol's coming back from, uh,

California for the holidays,
and, uh,

I need time
to clean up the house.

That's shocking.

What, that a Marine
cleans his house?

No, that Carol's coming back
to you?

(chuckles)

Good one, Baxter,

he said,
pretending the cruel joke

didn't trigger
his deepest insecurities.

Hey, guys, can you think
of any Christmas gift

-that Ed might want?
-(Mike sighs)

How about a ticket
to The Nutcracker?

Why didn't we just stop
having kids at you?

Whenever I don't know
what to get someone,

I just get 'em a cheesecake.

Everybody likes cheesecake.

And if they don't,
they might regift it to you

and then, hey, free cheesecake.

What's better than a cheesecake

that's been passed around,
you know?

With that little tinge
of salmonella in it. Yum, yum.

Not everybody is as good
at giving gifts as you, Dad.

Okay, you always know
what to get people.

That's capitalism:
identify the consumer's need

and supply it.

Who said that?

Dad's favorite philosopher,

-himself.
-Oh.

(chuckles)
He was thinking of putting it

-at the entrance to Baxterland.
-Ah.

At the corner of Mike Avenue

-and Know-It-All Lane.
-(laughs)

This know-it-all
might have just figured out

what to get Ed for Christmas.

Um...
(grunts)

general rule of thumb:
when I leave my office,

it's a good idea for everyone
else to leave my office.

-But there's toys.
-But there's toys.

* God rest ye merry, gentlemen

* Ye... ye...

* Ye really do look tired.

-Wow, Mom, you're really
in the Christmas spirit. -Mm!

Well, I'm doing one of
my favorite things in the world.

(chuckles)

And decorating the tree.

Ah. Uh, you guys--
you're-you're leaving early.

Oh, yeah, we're gonna meet
at Kristin and Ryan's.

-You have the tickets, babe?
-Yeah. Uh, right here.

(chuckles)
Uh-oh.

Says we're in the orchestra.

I haven't played the tuba
since high school.

MANDY:
Oh, Mom... (chuckles)

you don't have to hang
my snowflake ornament

I made in the second grade.

Are you kidding?
I love this.

Great, because that was a test.
Where you gonna put it?

Uh...

well, I was thinking of just--
I'm putting it right here?

There? Okay.

Why? You have a better idea?

-Yes, several.
-Okay.

Oh.
(giggles) Uh,

Mandy was always in charge
of ornaments.

Yeah, because I'm great
with visual placement.

And I'm really, really tall.

I'll just do one
to get you started.

Can I do one?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here, you can have your pick.

They're all wrapped
in newspaper.

Oh, this is from way back
in January.

Boy, did we miss out
on a furniture sale.

You know what, uh,

this is gonna take me
a little bit of time.

So I'll just text Kristin and
tell them to pick us up here.

Are you sure? Honey, you know,
you don't have to. It...

Mom, if I let you decorate
the tree,

it'll take me hours to fix.

No offense. Merry Christmas.

Man, you're still working?

Carol's not gonna like it
if you're late, unless she's...

on California time, dude.

-(inhales)
-(chuckles)

Well, you asked me to get
a job done, so I'll get it done.

And it'll be letter-perfect.

Besides, Carol's still on

Colorado "your ass
better be on time" time.

Hey, Ed. Glad I saw you.

-I-I got something for you.
-Good.

I-I wanted to hand deliver
these Christmas cards.

-Much more personal
than the mail. -Oh.

Not to mention cheaper.

125 employees times 50 cents.

Adds up.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Very good.

I did the math.
Thank you very much.

Come on, give me a break.
Give me a break.

I'm-I'm a retiree
on a fixed income, all right?

On your personal mega yacht.

(chuckles)

(mutters) Listen, what are you
doing here so late anyway, huh?

Don't tell me that
Mike Baxter has gotten behind.

The only thing I'm behind
is Reaganomics.

And you're welcome
for the boom-boom '80s, man.

Still waiting
for my trickle-down over here.

Anyway, thanks for the card.

But I did have extra time to get
something for Christmas for you.

So just wait there a minute.

I-I just have a minute.
Just a minute now here.

I'm tending bar at the VFW.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I used to host
Military Trivia Night.

-Mm-hmm.
-Yeah, we had to give it up

because, uh, most of the answers
were "Germany."

-Listen.
-Yeah.

The city says
we can name our access road

-to the store anything we want.
-Uh-huh.

So...

What? Come on.

Ed Alzate Way?

So the road that brings people
to Outdoor Man

now honors the man that brought
Outdoor Man to the people.

I love that road, Mikey.

It's-it's black down the middle,
beige on the sides.

Now, that's a road.

Yeah, well, now the guys
in the loading dock...

-Yeah.
-won't just say, "Look,

there's a dead raccoon
in the road."

They can say, "There's a
dead raccoon on Ed Alzate."

(laughing)

Well, that's--
Mikey, you're the best, buddy.

-Yeah.
-You're-you're terrific.

Chuck, look at this.

I got a street.
(chuckles)

-I got a street.
-Yeah. -(chuckles)

Okay, good.

Did he seem a little too happy?

Yep.

So, he hated it.

Yep.

Hey, Mike Baxter
for Outdoor Man.

Christmas is just around
the corner,

so someone you love
is out there right now

getting you something
you don't need, you don't want,

and you can't return
until they're not looking.

And the kicker for some of you

is they're doing it
with your money.

Wow.

Yeah, the biggest challenge
of the holiday season

isn't long lines
or finding a place to park--

it's opening a present
and not having your face say

what you're actually feeling.

See, your face has to say...

(chuckles):
"Oh, I really love this."

And what
you're really thinking is,

"Really? Really?

Really?"

We all want a present
that knocks our socks off,

but we don't want socks.

Ben Carson said, "Happiness
doesn't result from what we get

but from what we give."

Spoken like someone whose family
gets him lousy gifts.

Right, Ben?
(chuckles)

If only there was a retail chain
where you could be confident

they're gonna love
whatever you get them.

Oh, wait, I'm sitting in one.

And in Outdoor Man, if you
don't like your new crossbow,

you can return it.

But you're gonna like it.

Because, unlike the people
buying your gifts,

our crossbows actually hit
their targets.

So, from all of us
at Outdoor Man

to all of you looking
for the perfect gift,

happy hunting
and merry Christmas.

Baxter out.

Ooh.

It's the box
with the stockings, babe.

Uh-oh.

You gonna be okay?

Should I get the tissues?

No, I'm fine.
(chuckles)

I think I got it all out
of my system last year.

(car horn honking in distance)

So what if Mrs. B sewed my name
on a stocking

that welcomed me to the family?

It's no big deal.

(sniffles)

It's just a love stocking.

Guys, hey. Hello?
Ryan's been honking.

Uh, Kristin,
a lady never responds to a honk.

Ooh! The tree looks great.

Nice balance, Mandy.

Thanks. It's subtle.

The theme is
"Christmas Here and Now!"

Hey, Kristin.
I thought I heard you.

-Oh, hey, Mom.
-Hi.

Mwah.

Oh, no, Kyle found his stocking.

It's a beauty, Mrs. B.

Well, maybe we should keep it
out all year

so you don't get so overwhelmed.

No, I-I can handle it.

Ryan, I thought
we were on our way out.

I know. Boyd has
to use the bathroom.

I'll be fast.
I won't even wash my hands.

Ooh, is that hot chocolate?

Uh, yeah.
Kyle and Mandy insisted.

I'd make you guys some, but...

-but don't you have to go?
-Uh, we have time. Right, Ryan?

-Uh... okay, yeah. One cup.
-Yeah?

Um, with some marshmallows.

-Yeah. Okay.
-And maybe a little nutmeg.

Actually, you know what?
I'll just make it.

Oh, Mandy, wow, the tree
is really looking great.

KRISTIN:
Uh...

actually, I wouldn't say great.

I'd say incomplete.

There's no candy canes.

Well, I wasn't going to do that.
That's your job.

Well, I guess I can
at least start. (giggles)

And you're right, it is my job,

because I am great at it.

Cool! Are we all
gonna decorate the tree?

No, no, no. I'm sorry, sweetie.
You probably have to go.

Do we?

I think your dad really wants
to see the ballet.

You know what? I am back there
making the perfect cup of cocoa,

and I realize I'm not even
gonna have time to drink it.

Oh. Maybe you could.
Uh, how would you feel

about staying a little while
and helping with the tree?

Uh... well,
we have really good seats,

and, I mean, it's just a tree.

Hey, Ryan, check it out.

It's your stocking.

(choked up):
Oh, boy.

Yeah, there it is.

*

-Hey, Ed?
-Hmm?

Do you know how to make
a cosmopolitan?

Of course, of course, yeah.

I just won't.

Okay.

-What are you doing here?
-Well, after your little performance at work,

I thought I'd stop by and
find out why you hated my gift.

I didn't hate it. I loved it.
Best gift I ever got.

And the Oscar goes
to anybody else.

Come on, why did you hate it?

All right, all right.
I didn't like it.

You know who gets streets
named after them? Dead guys.

This is why I gave it to you
this year and not... next year.

Made me realize
that my career at Outdoor Man

is really over.

You also realize
you could come back to work

anytime you wanted?

When a man wakes up
in the morning,

he needs to wake up
with a purpose.

You see, I'm not needed
at Outdoor Man.

I realize that now,
thanks to you.

Doesn't sound like
you're very grateful.

I actually am.

I need to look forward,
Mikey, not backwards.

All right, I think I understand.

You know what?
I don't think you do, really.

You know why I tend bar here?

Sure. You don't have to pay
for Sex on the Beach.

Because I like to talk
to the veterans here

who feel the same way I do.
Like Billy there.

Yeah, look at him.
He ran a munitions depot.

Huge warehouse.

Yes, moved ordnance
all over the Middle East. Yeah.

Now he drives an Uber.

Really?

Yeah, just until he
finds a place

that can use his unique skills.

We all have hope.

Yep.

-You make a great bartender.
-Yeah.

Listen, if you want
to give me another gift,

I could use a...
a new cashmere coat.

You know, I think
I'm done giving gifts.

What do I look like,
Santa Claus?

-Oh, Kris,
what are you doing here? -Hmm.

Nutcracker started,
what, a half hour ago.

You're gonna miss the "Dance
of the Fairy Nuts," or whatever.

I'm gonna be
completely honest with you.

The Nutcracker can kiss my ass.

This kid!

Isn't this great?
Th-The Christmas spirit

burst in here,
grabbed them by their throats

and won't let them leave.

Sounds like
a scary Christmas movie.

"This year, Santa doesn't care
who's naughty or nice--

everybody's gettin' it."

Hey, take a look
at this Christmas tree.

I made it look fabulous
from every angle.

It's the Beyoncé
of Christmas trees.

If you like it, then you
better put a star on it.

Starting to regret
putting a ring on it.

Hey, Dad, look how good Kyle's
getting at stringing popcorn.

Yeah, the key I've learned
is making sure you pop it first.

And I made my special
family cocoa recipe.

The secret ingredient is

(whispers):
peppermint schnapps.

KRISTIN:
Mmm.

Ah, Ryan made mine extra secret.

Is this okay?
I know we were planning

on it just being the two of us.

-As hard as I try, I just
can't get sick of these kids. -Yeah.

It's just too bad
Eve's not here, huh?

-(sighs): Well...
-(doorbell rings)

Oh, my God...

Oh, it's Chuck.

-VANESSA: Hi. How are you?
-CHUCK: Hey, everybody.

I got those personnel requests
you wanted.

Thank you, man, good for you.

Boy, you military guys sure get
the job done, don't you? Yes!

Well, you asked a Marine
for a thorough job.

That's like asking the Pope
to go to church.

You know he's gonna stay
for the whole Mass.

I just wish
I had more guys like you.

(chuckles):
Well, thanks, Baxter.

Someone's getting a cheesecake.
Feel free to regift.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

-Merry Christmas, Chuck.
-Merry Christmas.

-Good-bye.
-Merry Christmas, Chuck.

Hey, honey?
I got a little errand to do.

But, honey,
the whole family's here.

I know, I got to go to a bar.

*

Hey. Look, I'm glad I found you
before you took off

-on your trip.
-Yeah?

What's this?

It's a chance for you to give me
a nice gift, you cheap bastard.

Because of the awesome job
I'm doing at Outdoor Man,

we're expanding.
These are personnel reports

from each department.
We're looking for new hires.

Well, thanks for explaining
the business to me.

Let me return the favor
by reminding you

that you have
a personnel department.

You know exactly the kind
of people I want for these jobs.

So you came here to brag, huh?

You're a piece of work, Mikey.

Listen. I want people
looking for a place

to apply their unique skills.

-You're talking about veterans?
-Mm-hmm.

These people?

And I'm looking for somebody who
knows their specific skill sets,

so they can match them
to the correct position.

Ed...

we need you.

I'd say you're just being nice,

but we both know that's...
that's not your strong suit.

Listen, this isn't just Denver.

I mean, this is all the stores.

-We're gonna be doing
a lot of new hires. -Yeah.

Obviously, we'd coordinate
with local VFWs and the VA.

Also, I could reach out
to the discharge offices

-of military bases.
-Yep.

Sounds like
a lot of work for a guy

who just started his career
as a bartender.

Department of Labor has
a Veterans' Employment

-and Training site.
I'll contact them. -Mm-hmm.

I like the fact
you still use paper, Mikey.

Well, you know me--
old-fashioned.

Yeah, me, too, pal.

No, I'd like you to make me
an old-fashioned.

Yeah. Please.
I've got work to do.

Now, what the hell
are you doing here?

Wow. I missed
your sunny disposition.

Mikey, they always said
you give the best gifts.

They're right.

*

We should do this again
next year.

It's way more fun
than going to the ballet.

Yeah. I'm a little bummed.

I mean, when will I ever get
another chance

to see The Nutcracker
at Christmas?

You know, this might be
the schnapps talking,

-but I love you guys.
-VANESSA: Aw.

Mmm, it's definitely
the schnapps. (chuckles)

But me, too!

Cheers, everyone!

Geez, settle down, people.

-Hey, Dad.
-I don't know what's more lit, the tree or you people.

Where... where'd you go?

Uh, VFW Hall.
Worked something out with Ed.

Oh. Well, good.
I'm glad you're back.

You know, I was excited
about starting a new tradition

with just the two of us,
but I'm glad the kids want

to keep our old
family traditions alive.

Well, we have these traditions,
'cause a lot

-of brave men and women
fought for them. -Yeah.

I guess the only thing
we have left to do is to...

put the star on the tree.

Yeah. Eve used to do that,

but I guess I'll do it,
'cause none of you

should get on a stepladder,
I'll tell you that right now.

Wait, Mom, where is the star?

Well, since your dad and I
were planning on starting

-a new tradition,
I-I ordered a new one... -MIKE: What?

and it is being delivered
right now.

(doorbell rings)

Who delivers a star that fast?

Ooh, maybe it's Santa.

Oh, I haven't finished my list.

Hey, hey...

-(laughs)
-Hey, Dad! Merry Christmas!

I thought it was gonna be Chuck.

I was supposed to bring a star.

Hey, you are the star.
Come on in.

-Come here! Hi.
-Hi.

Yeah.

How did you do this?

Well, when the kids decided
to stay and help decorate,

I called Eve and-and convinced
her to hop on the bus.

Yeah, which sounded horrible,
so I took an Uber.

Mmm. Wait a minute.
You took an Uber?

-Yeah. You owe me $111.
-(laughter)

Well, it was so worth it
to have you here.

Shouldn't we all get $111?

You know what? This family
loves its traditions.

Yeah. Old-fashioned.

Yeah, yeah,
we are kind of old-fashioned.

No. I'm gonna make
an old-fashioned.

* Four calling birds,
three French hens *

* Two turtle doves

* And a partridge
in a pear tree. *

You know why that's called
"The Twelve Days of Christmas"?

'Cause that's how long it takes
to sing the damn song.

All right?
Guys, we got to think

-of something else.
-Okay, don't anyone go anywhere.

-We have written
a new Christmas carol. -Oh.

-It's gonna be a classic.
-(clearing throats)

* Hark, now listen to us sing

* How Baxters do
their Christmas thing *

* Mom, she sips
her spiked eggnog *

MANDY: * Dad records
his Yuletide vlog *

KRISTIN, MANDY AND EVE:
* A drive to the ER

* In the snow

* Because Kyle ate mistletoe

It was one time.

* Fruitcake sitting
under the tree *

* That's for Ryan,
it's gluten-free *

KRISTIN, MANDY AND EVE:
* Dad thinks we've

* Gone on too long

* So we will end
our Baxter song. *

I love it, I love it.
Thank you, guys.

I hope that's not
my only Christmas gift.

Oh, uh, uh,
well, we have another. Uh...

-MIKE: Great.
-Hmm?

* We wish you
a Baxter Christmas *

* We wish you a Baxter
Christmas *

* We wish you
a Baxter Christmas... *

* And a happy New Year!

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

(chicken clucks)

Still need more laughs
after Last Man Standing?

Then here are a few more shows
to check out from Fox.

Welcome to the galaxy.

Should be fun. I'll lead.

* We're breaking waves
Shooting stars *

We're gonna make a run for it.

* Live for glory, not forever *

-Go!
-* Reach out *

* Make this right here
Right now *

* Stand up *

-* Here right now *
-Now!

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