All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s05e21 The Marriage Doctor.eg

Why are you making a snack?

We had couscous an hour ago.

Honey, couscous is not a meal.

It's an appetizer with ambition.

It's like the Jeb Bush of food.

(Laughs)

That is so funny. You always make me laugh.

What do you want, woman?

I had this idea for our summer vacation.

Well, if it's about
going camping in Wyoming,

that's my idea, but you can
take credit for it. Okay.

I-I know you're gonna
groan when I say this,

but I was thinking we
could finally go to Paris.

(Laughs) You are so funny.

You always make me laugh. It's great.

What is so terrible about Paris?

It's in France!

Come on.

I've been asking to go there for years.

And I've been saying "no" for years.

We're on a roll here, hon.

No, no, no. Think about it. Think about it.

Paris in June, and I've
been learning French,

so I already know how to say,
"You'll have to excuse him.

He's American." (Chuckles)

(Sighs)

Men are so frustrating.

Oh, honey, I wish I could
say that feeling went away.

- (Sighs)
- Mm-hmm.

Kyle and I are having our first real fight.

It's like a reality TV show, but with
no music to tell me how to feel.

That does sound like a reality TV show.

That's why I'm totally uninterested.

What, uh, what was the
fight about, sweetie?

The wedding.

I told him I really wanted
to get married in our church,

and Kyle really wants
to get married in his.

He won't give in.

No, Mandy, you have to convince him.

Kristin got married in our church.

It's a... It's
a tradition.

The Baxter girls all
have their wedding there.

How could it be a tradition
if just Kris got married there?

We got married there.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, well, one of you has to convince
him because I already tried my best.

I texted him a sad face, a church,
a hot-air balloon, and a cactus,

and all I got back was
a question mark, so...

You, uh, you need to talk to Kyle.

Why me?

Well, because he'll listen to you.

He'll listen to anybody.

He's like a smiling satellite
dish with a ponytail.

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com

Hey, Kyle.

Look, I understand you and Mandy
had your first big argument.

You finally have something
to talk to a bartender about.

It was awful. Yeah.

It was like being pecked at by a duckling.

You want to love it, but after a while,
you're like, "Hey, duckling, come on!"

Okay.

Well, get used to it, because marriage

is just a series of
disagreements, you know,

like how many kids to have, where to live,

is 100 bucks too much to
spend to keep a dog alive.

I just don't like fighting.

Yeah, nobody does.

Well, I do, but you got
to pick your battles.

You know, win the ones you want to win,

and lose the ones that
don't cost you that much.

So lose some on purpose?

Exactly.

Vanessa and I are having an argument
about where to go on vacation, right?

You know, she wants to go to Europe.

I keep telling her I want to go camping.

Oh, okay. So you're gonna
let her win this one.

No. I'm gonna let her lose.

You just got to pick your battles.

Well, I have to pick this one

because I really want to
get married in my church.

Why?

Your church used to be a roller rink.

Six days a week, it still is.

It's just your new pastor wants everybody
to attend premarital counseling.

What if he doesn't think
we should get married?

I wouldn't worry about that.

I don't know the new pastor personally,
but Vanessa and I are, um, big donors,

if you know what I'm talking about.

That's great.

It's important to give blood.

The truth is, I don't really know
anything about being a husband.

You know, my dad wasn't
around when I was growing up,

so I never had a role model.

You know, on the farm, we had a
hog who really loved his sow,

but what if reverend Paul doesn't
think Gumball is enough?

Sounds interesting.

What are we talking about here?

Well, Kyle's a little worried
that the pastor at my church

won't think he has anyone in his life
to teach him how to be a good husband,

and his best candidate is a pig.

Well, pigs are intelligent beasts,

which is probably why
they do not mate for life.

You can cross Ed off your list.

I would make a great reference.

I've been married 26 years.

But not in a row, and
not to the same woman.

Yes, well that's
...that's right.

And I'm battle tested, see?

This one here's spent the
last 30 years with his lady,

skipping down the yellow brick road.

Well, you got me there.

Nothing more embarrassing
than a successful marriage.

If your pastor wants to know
if you have a good role model,

tell him you got the best
one in the world... me.

Hey, yeah. That's right.

Yeah.

I mean, you certainly set a
better example than Gumball.

Right.

I don't want to be where he ended up.

- No.
- He's a farm animal.

They're raised for slaughter.

Oh, no, no.

He became my grandma's pet. Hmm.

She makes him wear pants.

Excuse me.

Hey, Eve.

Your dad said I could
borrow this for the move.

Got to take apart a bookshelf, but
the only tool I have is a Swiffer.

Okay.

Wow.

I leave myself wide open,
and you don't take a shot.

Do you have a fever?

It's my government class.

We have this debate coming up,
and my teacher is making us

take the opposite side
of our political beliefs,

which means I have to be a... liberal.

It's not a curse word.

Well, it is in this house.

So I've been researching liberal positions.

I Googled "How to talk out of
your ass", but that was no help.

By the way, never Google
"How to talk out of your ass."

Well, I could help you if you want.

I love the art of stating a thesis and
making a cogent argument to support it.

I know. It's the reason Kristin
doesn't have dinner parties anymore.

Look, if you really want to prepare,
we should have a mock debate.

That's a good idea.

You spew your usual
garbage, and I'll mock you.

No, because then you'll never learn how
to defend a liberal's point of view.

That's because it has no defense!

Zing!

How's that for a cogent argument?

First sign of a bad argument...
the need for the word "zing."

Look, if you want to win,

you got to practice saying
what a liberal would say.

Okay.

Hooray for taxes!

Give me free stuff!

White men suck!

You mean like that?

Ooh. Look at these.

The Eiffel Tower, Versailles,
and then... and then

we could head on over to the
Loire Valley, see some chateaux.

Or we could go to Wyoming and go
camping in the Curt Gowdy State Park!

The best of all state parks
named after an old sportscaster.

I can't believe you're still
being so stubborn about this.

Hey, what can I say? You
didn't marry a quitter.

Neither did you.

We have a problem.

Our meeting with the new
pastor did not go well.

What do you mean? What happened?

Kyle started saying all this crazy
stuff about being a husband.

We talked about this.

Didn't you explain to
him I was your role model?

Oh, yeah. I talked about you a lot.

That was the crazy stuff.

Oh, no, no, no.

Nobody should repeat your father's
opinions except for your father.

And (Sighs) honestly,
even that's getting old.

So here's the deal.

Before he'll allow us to
get married in the church,

Reverend Paul needs to meet with you guys

to talk about your relationship. What?!

You know, I'm already starting
to miss old Reverend Tisdale.

You give him a bottle of Bushmills,
he'll do whatever you want.

(Sighs)

So Reverend Paul won't do the wedding
because of something you told Kyle?

I want to talk to his supervisor.

Who's got God's number?

Well, what exactly did you tell him?

I said to use us as a role model
because we have a solid marriage.

Yeah, and I told him about all that great

win-some, lose-some
stuff you taught me

and how Mrs. B is gonna
lose the vacation argument.

Really?

That's when he started
writing stuff down on a pad.

I'm gonna lose?

I said you also win some arguments.

What else did I say?

Yeah, that's true... when he lets you.

(Scoffs)

Which, I think, is very generous.

Or, as Reverend Paul put
it, "deeply disturbing."

So he needs to meet with you guys tomorrow
before he meets with us again.

Come on, Kyle.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

They may not be able to get married
in our church because of you. (Sighs)

You know how much I wanted that.

Exactly, which is why that's
what we should focus on,

not who said what to Kyle or who
said they win all the arguments.

Yeah, both you.

Okay, bottom line... we
put up a united front

to show the new reverend that
we have a perfect marriage.

That is so funny! (Stomps foot)

Yeah. (Giggles)

You always make me laugh.

Yeah.

Okay.

Now we both have our own podiums.

Kris, we're ready. (Air hisses)

It's kind of a crappy debate stage.

What is this, MSNBC?

No, no.

Can't make those jokes.

I am the conservative, and
you're the liberal, remember?

Right.

Rachel Maddow is my hero.

(Inhales sharply)
God, that leaves a taste.

Okay, here are the rules.

You each have 30 seconds for a response.

When you hear this... your time is up.

If you continue talking, you will hear...
(Horn honks)

And if you still won't
shut up, I am out of here.

I'm not Megyn Kelly, and
I've got packing to do.

Let's begin with a brief opening statement.

Ryan.

America is at a crossroads.

Do we go the way of Ronald Reagan,

the greatest man with the
greatest hair who ever lived?

Or do we follow the lead of my
weak-kneed, socialist opponent

who longs for the day when ISIS rules
the world and Americans are in chains?

What? That's crazy.

Nobody would say that.

Conservatives say that stuff all the time.

We're lunatics.

Are you gonna take this seriously or not?

Because I'd like to get
a good grade on this.

Hey! I didn't even get a chance to respond!

(Horn honks) Oh, my God.

Sorry. You wasted your time.

Okay, next topic
...entitlements.

Uh, I'd like to go first
on that one. Mm-kay.

Democrats have created a nation
of takers who live like kings

and who have never done a
lick of work in their lives.

My opponent may disagree with this,
but the best thing we can do

for the poor, elderly, and
disabled is to let them rot.

Uh, thank you.

Of course I disagree with that.

Everybody disagrees with that.

You know what? This whole
thing is stupid. Okay?

You're just an angry, malnourished vegan

that is jealous that I
can eat cheeseburgers.

So I quit. This is stupid.

I'm leaving.

Oh, yeah.

And Rachel Maddow sucks.

Man, it is real easy being a conservative.

What is the matter with you?

That was my little sister,
and she needed your help.

Trust me. This is going to help.

What? You see, I
have a theory...

(Horn honks)

Okay.

Reverend Paul will be right in.

- Ah. (Chuckles)
- Thanks a lot.

Hey, look at this. Churches of Europe. Ugh.

Maybe we should borrow this

to get a preview of what we
will be seeing this summer.

Yeah, that's how I want to spend
my vacation... going to church.

I hear ya.

(Chuckles)

That'd be a little too
much like going to work.

(Both chuckle) Hey, Reverend Paul.

Really nice to meet you two finally.

Mike Baxter.

You've probably seen my name in the bibles

right there by the words "donated by."

(All chuckle)

You know, for 50 bucks more, we
can give you a "written by."

(Both chuckle)

- Uh, I'm Vanessa.
- Hi.

We are so thrilled to have
you as our new Pastor...

Thank you.

...and... and I'm really
loving the contemporary service.

Yeah. Yes, I've always
thought "How Great Thou Art"

needed a guitar solo.

(Laughs)

Well, please, sit, sit, sit.

You know, we're also very excited
about Mandy and Kyle's wedding.

Hopefully happening here in
our longtime family church.

In pews we also donated.

Well, Mandy and Kyle are
a lovely, young couple.

Yeah, we think so, too.

Well, looks like we covered everything.

We'll see you at the rehearsal dinner.

Um, why don't you have a seat on that sofa

that you may or may not have donated?

If your marriage is the
model for Mandy and Kyle,

well, I have a few questions.

Oh, we have a rock-solid
relationship. Mm-hmm.

I mean, we're gonna be the old couple

who dies within minutes of
each other at the old-age home,

face-down in our pudding.

(Laughs)

Both chocolate! Chocolate.

Yeah, that's how my parents went.

Kyle mentioned a vacation argument...

Oh... and apparently you
don't want to go camping?

Uh, well, no. No.

I mean, I would much rather
go to Paris and sit in caf?s,

drinking amazing bottles of... coffee.

We have disagreements... Yeah.

...but at the end of the day, there's
a balanced, spirited give and take.

I see.

So might this be one
of those times when...

how did Kyle put it?
...uh, you let her win?

Listen.

I don't want to say
anything bad about Kyle,

so let's go to the next question.

(Chuckles) Well, hey.

Don't be judgmental. That's my job.

Vanessa, do you ever feel that sometimes
Mike can be a little bit of a bully?

(Scoffs ) Wha...

This woman buys $40
candles, and I'm the bully?

(Scoffs)

Please feel free to speak
if you want to say something.

Well, I... No,
I mean, I...

Honey, honey, why don't
we talk about this later

at our favorite restaurant,
the United Front?

I'm starting to see what Kyle meant
about the pig who wears the pants.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's an actual pig in real pants.

- Is it?
- Okay.

All right, all right. You know what?

Look... Look, I can
clear this whole thing up.

My husband is complicated.

He's... he's stubborn, he's pushy,
he has, like, zero patience, and...

Good job, honey.

The man I married is not perfect.

But you know what? Neither am I.

And you have been at this church for...
for, what, all of two weeks?

Okay. How... how can you possibly
know what goes on between us?

Honey.

Because we fit.

We work. We're perfect.

In our marriage, both of
the pigs wear the pants.

And... and
I don't know

if I want someone officiating
in my daughter's marriage

who doesn't believe in mine.

Oh, and you know what?

Your guitar service is lame.

You, sir, are no Dave Matthews.

Well, Dave Matthews isn't stuck
with Mrs. Osgood as his organist.

(Chuckles)

Oh, wow.

Now you see how I end up with $40 candles.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

What's the world's most perilous journey?

Scaling Everest?

Crossing the Himalayas?

The drive home after eating Indian food?

Dad, is that you?

Nah, the most dangerous expedition
is where one half the people quit

and the other half die.

Hmm?

Yeah, marriage.

And all the survival gear
I sell you won't save you

if you marry the wrong person.

You pick the wrong
partner, you find yourself

in an episode of "Naked and Afraid,"

only you'll rarely be naked.

On the flip side, you find
your true life partner,

and there's no mountain or
tundra you can't conquer.

And you'll be naked a lot more often.

In Proverbs 21:9, King Solomon wrote,
"Better to live on the corner of a roof

than share the house
with a quarrelsome wife."

And this dude knew
wives. He had 700 of them.

That's a lot of anniversaries to remember.

God forbid you give Bathsheba
and Esther the same gift.

(Effeminate voice) "Really? A straw hat?"

(Normal voice) And while
I appreciate the scripture,

the truest thing I ever read about
marriage was on a coffee mug.

It said, "Happy Wife, Happy Life."

Hasn't steered me wrong since
the day she threw it at me.

Dad, you have to poke
some air holes in this one

so my stuffed animals can breathe.

Boyd, you are old enough to know
that your stuffed animals, they...

Go get me the screwdriver.

(Knock on door)

(Rhythmic knocking)

I knew you'd be back.

I left my binder, so...

You also left your dignity.

All right, fine.

I got mad, and by getting
mad, I automatically lost.

Right. Come in.

Your teacher probably wants you to learn

how to have a rational
and civilized debate.

Well, I don't know why.

The crazy ones get all the good ratings.

Rational and civilized aren't
very popular these days,

but it is still worth learning.

You know, you're pretty good at this stuff.

We're you ever on your
high school debate team?

Nope.

My training started the
very first time I said,

"I don't think I agree with you, Mike."

Every argument, he'd
bait me, and I'd blow up.

Yeah, you used to get pretty mad.

One time, soy milk came out of your nose.

And that's how I'd lose.

But eventually, I learned to keep my cool.

And now you win some?

Nope.

But I keep my cool.

All right, well, if
you're still cool with it,

I'd love for you to coach
me on some liberal arguments

so I don't throw up during the debate.

I would be happy to.

Cool. All right.

Um, Obamacare.

(Inhales deeply)

Obamacare is the greatest thing to...

No, I can't do it. I'm gonna need a bucket.

Vanessa? Honey?

(Sighs)

Hi. What were you doing?

Hey, well, since we're gonna need to
check out Kyle's church for the wedding,

I was looking for my roller skates.

(Sighs)

Look, I-I'm sorry about what
happened with the pastor.

No, I think it was great what you did.

He was really coming after us, and
for someone who loves France,

you really held your ground.

Well, you know, he was wrong.

We make our decisions together.

You have always respected my input.

I do respect your input. Yeah.

But this time, the decision's unilateral.

"The Hopeless Romantic's Guide to Paris"?

I paid some lady to go buy
that at a bookstore for me.

We're going to France.

Oh, oh, there's that bully that Reverend
Paul was talking about right there.

Okay, okay, but only under one condition.

- No conditions.
- Yes, one condition.

We're going... we're
going to France.

We also find some nice
camping areas nearby.

Deal.

We'll take some cheese and a
couple nice bottles of coffee.

Oh, yeah.

(Both laugh)

As far as church is concerned,

I'll go have a little chat
with Reverend Bo Diddley.

(Sighs) No, it's okay.

Maybe... maybe we need
to start a new tradition.

Like... Like
letting the kids

figure out where they want
to get married themselves.

Um, Reverend Paul has
a message for you guys.

Yeah, I got a little
message for Reverend Paul...

Uh... right
about... Hey!

Hey!

Welcome to our home. (Chuckles)

I would've called earlier, but I
like catching people doing stuff.

I-I need to apologize to you. No, no.

Not for what I said, but for how I said it.

Well, I think we've all prayerfully
considered what happened earlier.

Eh, let's forget the prayerfully stuff.

You're not at work. Sit down.

Can I get you something
to drink? Wine? A wafer?

Oh, no. Thank you.

I've realized that while part of
my responsibility is to teach,

I also want to be that pastor
that listens and learns.

And on the subject of a strong marriage,
I can definitely learn from you two.

(Chuckles)

Just like Kyle and Mandy have.

Reverend Paul said we can
get married in the church!

(Gasps) Hey, that's wonderful. Yeah.

But he still won't let me
release 600 doves inside.

Really appreciate how this worked out.

Butterflies?

Kyle and Mandy's wedding
is gonna be very special.

And it'll be the first reception
we have in the rec hall.

Ah, you haven't been here for very long.

The church doesn't have a rec hall.

(Chuckles)

That's the other reason I stopped by.

Hey, Mike.

Hey, come on in.

Just came by to bring back your tools.

Yeah, a man needs his own tools, Ryan.

I totally understand.

That's why I got them back
to you as quick as I could.

A man would've understood
what I meant there.

Hey. How was your debate?

Great. I destroyed Derrick Lowe.

Good for you. Did you keep it civil?

Use the talking points we rehearsed?

Mm, actually, I went another way.

In my opening statement, I reminded
everyone of the time in third grade

Derrick had to use his emergency pants.

(Chuckles) Classic.

(Air hisses)

That's not debating.

But it's winning.

See, that is the problem
with conservatives...

they don't debate, they insult. Yeah.

You know, I never noticed
how small your hands were.

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