All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s04e09 Changing Light Bulbs.eng

"Last Man Standing" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

Okay, now I'm mad.

(Sighs) Mike, let it go.

Restaurants have to impose some
limits on an all-you-can-eat brunch.

Well, then it's not an
all-you-can-eat brunch,

and I know they had more
smoked salmon in the back.

This is what I'm mad about. Girls!

Girls!

All the lights are on, and nobody's home.

And this time, I'm not talking about Mandy.

(Sighs)

It's noon, and these girls left
every light on in this house.

This place is more lit than
the Lohan family Christmas.

Or a Lohan family Tuesday.

We're losing these incandescents.

These are very valuable to me.

Oh, honey, you got a million
of them in the basement.

That's right.

I stockpiled them before the
government made them illegal.

Oh, yeah. Here we go.

Your favorite subject
...government overreach.

Well, why is it their job to
tell me what bulbs I can use?

What's next?

Michelle Obama's stopping by
saying you can't eat ice cream.

(Chuckling) Oh, let her try.

Honey, these new bulbs
are much more efficient.

I would think you'd embrace that.

I have a 60-year-old truck
and a 30-year-old marriage.

You should be happy that
I am stuck in my ways.

I do love that truck.

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com

Hey, any idea where my 75-watt bulbs went?

I don't have an idea...

Because I would need a light bulb for that.

If you feel a joke like
that coming on again,

pinch yourself so we're
not the only ones in pain.

Aren't there a ton of
bulbs in the basement?

Those are 60s and 100 watt.

I'm looking for that perfect
not too bright, not too dim.

The 75-watt bulb is like the
goldilocks of incandescents.

Speaking of goldilocks, I think
somebody's sitting in my chair.

I wanted a front-row seat for
this riveting light-bulb banter.

I gave a few to Carol Larabee, and I
don't know what wattage they were,

but she was over here
and admired our bulbs.

So, you just give your bulbs
to anybody who ogles them?

Carol said Chuck hates the curlicue
ones, so I let her take a few boxes.

I didn't even think you'd
notice they were gone.

Notice they were gone? I'm
not talking about our kids.

I'm talking about something
that lights up our home.

Hey, listen up, everybody.

Okay, so, you know how I've
been missing my morning

classes 'cause I'm, like,
always running late?

Actually, no.

Well, it's become kind
of a thing with my T.A.S

and my professors and
this angry guy named Dean.

Anyways, problem solved!

I found an apartment closer to campus.

What? You're moving out?

- Yeah.
- Yes! My own bathroom!

Mandy, this is so sudden.

Yes. (Sighs)

Losing Mandy will be rough, but
we'll have to work through it.

Listen, if you put a
wheelbarrow under your

bedroom window, I'll start
chucking out shoes.

I know that this seems a little out of the
blue, but I've thought a lot about it,

and I would really appreciate your support.

Like first and last months' rent?
That kind of support?

Father, I don't need your money.

I have my own clothing business, remember?

I'm talking emotional support here.

Oh, good. That's your mom's area.

All right. We... uh,
Mandy, honey, can we, uh...

Can we just talk about this for a minute?

Look, I have to move fast.
Everybody wants this place.

An old lady died in there,
so it comes with cats.

Wow. Honey, it looks like we're
losing daughter number two.

Just chronologically.

Her ranking is somewhat lower than that.

Maybe if I head over to the Larabees',
I can get those 75-watt bulbs back.

Mm. You know, I guess we should
have seen this day coming.

You pushed it along.

What... what did I do?

You gave Carol Larabee
all those light bulbs.

Oh, you're still on the Mandy thing?

(Sighs)

Right, right. My bad.

I forgot there were two life-changing
losses that hit us today.

(Chuckles)

Three if you count that
smoked-salmon nightmare.

(Doorbell rings)

Now we know how many middle-aged white
dudes it takes to steal a light bulb.

I need my other 75s back.

(Chuckles) Vanessa gave us those bulbs.

It seems like your
problem is with your wife.

If you only knew.

Ed: Chuck, third period is starting!

Ed?

Mikey.

What's going on here? Ebony and elderly?

Ed wanted to come over
and watch the hockey game.

Turns out he's a big avalanche fan.

Of course he is. He's all white
and everything's sliding down.

(Clicks tongue)

See, that's why we didn't invite you.

Go ahead. Make yourself at home.

(Sighs) Still warm.

Listen, I can only stay
until the first fight.

Then I'm leaving with the rest of my 75s.

You're not getting my light bulbs, Baxter.

Everybody hates these newfangled bulbs.

Makes even the coziest home
look like county lockup.

I can't have those CFL lights in my house.

The bluish cast is unflattering
to my complexion.

Those pants aren't doing
you any favor, either.

You know what lighting
you'd look good in right now?

Whatever's on over at your place.

You know, I blame your buddy in the
half-white house for this stuff.

His hope and change is, "I hope
to change every bulb in America."

It was actually your boy "W" who
signed the light-bulb legislation.

I believe it was somewhere between

"mission accomplished"
and "misunderestimated."

Okay. If you two hens will just
stop clucking for a moment here,

I can hook you up with
some old-school bulbs.

Yep. I know a guy.

His name was Thomas Edison.

He used Ed's head as the
model for the light bulb.

You want the address or not?

Seriously? You... You... you know where
we can score some contraband incandescents?

Mm-hmm.

Name is Chuey. Ask for ripe strawberries.

What if he gives us strawberries?

That would be pretty strange,
'cause it's a hardware store.

There you go.

Whoa. I love what you've
done with the place.

Well, you have to use your imagination.

Actually, no. Use my imagination.

I have way better taste.

Okay. So, I'm thinking, like, a couch goes
here, a floor lamp goes, like, there.

Kyle, go be the lamp, huh?

Oh, um, a little to the left, actually.

A little to the left.

Why aren't you moving?

I'm a lamp, silly. (Chuckles)

Lamps can't move. I
shouldn't even be talking.

Ryan, go be the lamp.

Wow.

All right. Cool. I get to be Ryan.

All right. I'm from Canada.

I hate meat. My hair never moves.

Okay. You know what, Kyle?

Go run to the car and get the tape measure.

We have to figure out if your
bed can fit through the door.

Right. Uh, hold up.

- The lamp has a question.
- Yes.

Why is Kyle's bed moving
in to your apartment?

Because if he's paying half the
rent, he deserves a place to sleep.

Now can I tell Ryan that you
two are moving in together?

Oh, my God. You better so he can
follow what we're talking about.

Yeah, no. That's okay.

I've connected the incredibly
close-together dots. Thank you.

Anyway, uh, congrats. I'm
really happy for you guys.

Thank you.

And in a way, I think that, you know,

- I deserve a little credit.
- Why is that?

Well, it's hard to picture Mike being
cool with you guys living together

if, you know, I hadn't
paved the way with Kristin.

Yeah, it would be hard to picture that.

Um...

You know, if he knew.

Wait. Mike doesn't know?

Now can I tell Ryan that dad doesn't know?

(Laughing) Oh, my God. This is huge.

A huge mistake, okay?

I keep telling her there is no way

she's gonna be able to
fool mom and dad about this.

And guess who's suddenly not
the worst Baxter boyfriend.

This lamp.

Oh, okay. No. No. It...
It... no. It's not funny.

No. Because it's actually hilarious.

Will you please, please let me tell Mike?

No. Wait. He'll probably
kill the messenger.

Just let me be in the room
when you tell him. No. Wait.

He'll probably kill me still
'cause he can't kill you.

You know what? Just film it.

I plan to tell mom and dad after
Kyle and I are all settled in.

Oh, I also might take
in an orphan so they'll

really look like jerks
if they try to stop us.

The way that Kyle worships Mike, I can't
believe he's going along with this.

Going along with what?

Now can Kristin tell me that you haven't
told Kyle that you haven't told Mike?

He's sure got a lot to say for a lamp.

Oh, I don't see any of the good stuff.

They're not gonna have the fresh
strawberries out in the open.

I figured a guy like you
more street smart than that.

If I was, I wouldn't have
moved onto your street.

Finding everything okay?

Yeah, we're, um...

We're looking for, uh,
incandescent bulbs, 75 watts.

Sir, incandescents between 40 and 100 watts
are no longer legally sold on U.S. soil...

Unless you're looking for a three-way.

We're both married men.

We're just looking for light bulbs.

Ed Alzate sent us.

We're here to speak to
Chuey about some, uh...

Ripe strawberries.

Wait here.

Honey?

Vanessa?

Vanessa, hey, hey.

Oh, hi, Chuck. Hi.

- Hi, Vanessa.
- Hi. How are you?

What are you doing at the hardware store?

I'm registered here!

You could find a nice
Christmas gift for me.

Yeah, nothing says "Happy Birthday,
Jesus" like a box of nails.

Actually, I'm looking for paint.

When Mandy moves out, I figure
we'd turn her room into my office.

I was thinking we should
turn it into... a weight room.

Come on, Mike. One of us should
get some use out of that room.

(Chuckles)

So, what, are you here
for your precious bulbs?

Don't say anything. She's
probably wearing a wire.

All right. Well, try not to get arrested.

Yeah, but if you do, I hear they
have a nice weight room in prison.

I thought you were getting Chuey.

I'm Chuey. (Chuckles)

Ed says you two check out.
I can't be too careful.

You guys look like a pair
of cops from an '80s movie.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm the loose cannon, 'cause
I do things my own way.

He's "by the book." See,
he's too old for this crap.

Speaking of getting too old,
do you have the berries or not?

The merchandise is in my van.

Meet me in the alley in half an hour.

Oh, come on.

I am getting too old for this crap.

I'm going to a lot of trouble
to make you look pretty.

Crazy-ass world.

Marijuana is legal, and
here we are waiting in an

alley like criminals to
buy a decent light bulb.

You expect me to believe this is the only
time you've ever done business in an alley?

Of course not.

You know, I do most of my shopping here.

It's where I get my pimp chalices
and mustard-colored suits.

So, Vanessa said Mandy's moving out.

Looks that way.

What's a pimp chalice?

About $40.

Is she staying in town?

No, no.

Something close enough to campus

and far enough away from us

that she can move in with her boyfriend.

Oh. (Chuckles)

I wish I could have seen your
face when she told you that.

She didn't tell me that.
I figured it out myself.

I mean, Kyle's gonna be there 24/7.

She's smart enough to charge the guy rent.

So, well... well,
let's break this down.

You got one kid shacking up, another with a
baby daddy, and a third playing football.

Your family's blacker than mine, Baxter.

Maybe I should borrow that pimp chalice.

80 bucks, and you can own it.

(Chuckles)

So, how you doing with
this whole Mandy business?

Well, I'm waiting in an
alley for a guy named

Chuey, so I guess I'm
still figuring it out.

I see. So you went looking
for some sage advice

from your much smarter
friend Chuck Larabee.

Well, I was hoping to get advice from the

light-bulb guy, but he's
just taking too long.

On the one hand, I could
wreck this whole thing

with Mandy and make Kyle's
life a living hell.

And on the other hand...?

Oh, I'm still enjoying that first hand.

If I get in the middle of this, I end
up losing Mandy and my weight room.

(Sighs) Kids grow up,
man. They do what they want.

Yeah.

You know, Brandon wants to
go to Florida state next year.

Young black man walking around Florida?

I don't think so.

Plus it's a lousy school.

Yeah. Maybe he'll wise up.

Not at Florida state, he won't.

Life's changing way
too fast for me, Baxter.

I hear you.

(Vehicle approaches)

Well, there's an old
van. It's got to be him.

(Sighs)

(Van door opens, closes) If we get busted,
I don't know what I'm gonna tell my wife.

If we get busted, you're
gonna be somebody else's wife.

Dad?

Well, he's not here, so we can
come back another time. See?

(Chuckles)

No. Okay. We're gonna wait for him.

I'm not comfortable going through with
this until I know it's okay with Mr. B.

Fine. Okay. I'm gonna go grab a sweater.

I liked you better as a lamp.

Well, well, well.

Oh, hi, Eve.

I heard a lot of nervous chitter-chat.

What's the mystery, shaggy?

Uh, yeah, Mandy and I have
something to talk to your dad about,

but I really shouldn't
say anything without her.

It's too bad, 'cause I was kind of hoping
we could do this the easy way. (Chuckles)

Take a seat. We might be here a while.

Yeah. Okay.

Uh, Mandy does take a long
time to pick out a sweater.

Oh, hey. What are you doing?

I was just... uh, just
thinking of painting your room.

When you're gone, I thought this could either
be my office or your dad's weight room.

So we'll compromise, and it'll
be your dad's weight room.

Unless you've changed
your mind about moving.

Mandy: Sorry, mom. It's time.

But don't worry. This
will always be my home.

I can't believe you just said that.

You know what? That's
...that's exactly

what I said to my parents
when I left for Ohio State.

Yeah, I-I told my mom that I'd be back,

that, uh... that our family
home would always be my home,

but, um... You know what?

I never lived there again.

Oh, I don't know. You might go back, mom.

No. It's a Pizza Hut now, so...

No. Won't go back.

(Chuckles)

My little Mandy.

Gosh, my little Mandy moving out.

Remember when I bought you this?

Mm-hmm.

Your first big-girl bed, huh?

I also remember buying you that... that
fuzzy pink comforter that went with it.

Yeah. I remember.

That's the first time you
used the word "receipt."

Mom, I'm sorry if I was a pain.

Mommy.

You are not a pain.

(Chuckles)

And you know what I love?

What?

I love how you have
always known exactly what

you want and you are not
afraid to go get it.

Thanks.

But, um... I have to admit, I am...

I am a little worried about
you living out there alone.

Gosh, I'd almost feel
better if you had a-a dog

or a roommate or, um... or
even Kyle living there with you.

Kyle. Yeah.

That's so crazy. (Chuckles)

That's like a totally crazy,
out-there idea.

Yeah.

What?

But you know what? You've
never been wrong before.

I, um... oh, except
regarding that comforter.

Yeah. Oh, what am I saying?

Oh, my God. Your father would go ballistic.

Um, but he would probably
get over it eventually, right?

Oh, well, maybe, but Kyle would be dead by
then, so I... what's the point, right?

(Chuckles) Yeah.

(Smooches) Yeah.

Come on, Kyle.

You're not a sneaky, secret-keeping guy.

You'll feel better getting
this off your chest.

You're right. I-I don't
like lying to people.

And it has been weighing on me.

Here it comes... the
sweet song of the canary.

Mandy and I are moving in together.

Whoa. (Chuckles) Now I need to sit down.

Yeah.

I'm a little nervous about telling Mr. B.

I mean, he's got a
super-high opinion of me.

Well, you should be worried.

I mean, my dad thinks you're the
kind of guy who would buy the cow

rather than try to get the milk for free.

Yeah. I-I don't really want a cow,
but I guess if one needed a home...

He's gonna be really disappointed in you.

He really thinks you're
one of the good ones.

I am.

At least, I was.

Mandy: All right, Kyle. Let's go.

We can talk to my dad
another time, like in a year.

Well, what's the hurry?

Don't you want to share the good news?

What's the good news?

These two are planning to shack up.

Are you serious? You told her?

Wait. You and Kyle are living together?

Yeah, it just sounded like such
a good idea when you suggested it.

Two minutes ago?

Yeah. It was that good.

Actually, Mandy, can I
talk to you for a second?

Eve got me thinking, and... I
can't move in with you.

I'm sorry.

Wow.

That was a really rotten thing to do, Eve.

You got Kyle thinking.

So, long story short,
Mandy had this sneaky plan,

but then Eve made Kyle
feel guilty and he bailed.

So I guess you won't be
getting your weight room.

Well, since it didn't work out, you can
now use the space for your office.

Ah.

You know, I hated to
think of Mandy leaving.

Honey, she can't live here forever.

Although, when we saw her test scores
from grade school, we thought maybe...

We can't fight change, babe.

Well, you did. I mean,
you got your incandescents.

This is just a matter of time.

Chuey says they're running
out of incandescents.

Who's Chuey?

A metaphor for everything
that's wrong with America.

(Sighs)

Well, ironically, Eve is the
one who wanted Mandy gone,

and she's the one who blew it up.

She really shot herself in the foot.

I don't think so.

She's a better shot than that.

So, sounds like you'll be
sharing a bathroom again, huh?

Yeah.

I was so looking forward to having
a dry towel after I shower.

Now it's back to rolling around
like a dog on the bathmat.

I, uh, share a bathroom with your mom.

On occasion, I've dried
myself off with a q-tip.

You know what?

It occurs to me, after hearing this story,

that if you really wanted Mandy to leave,

all you had to do was to keep quiet.

Well, what can I say? I screwed up.

Did you screw up, or do you really
like having your sister here?

Borrowing her sweaters,
watching stupid TV shows,

making fun of her for
watching stupid TV shows.

That's not me. You're talking
about yourself, old man.

I don't borrow her sweaters, except that
black cashmere which goes with everything.

Listen, honey, just like when
Kris left, Mandy's gonna leave,

and I think it's a good
idea to appreciate people

while they're still here.

Um... I think you're the
one who'd miss her, dad.

I think we'll both miss her.

I'm just the one that'll say it.

I cannot believe that you bailed on me
just because you're afraid of my dad.

It is not because I'm afraid of your dad.

I just don't think it's
the right thing to do.

When we move in together, I want everyone
to be really happy for us, especially me.

And I'm also afraid of your dad.

Hang on, Kyle.

Yeah, what is it, snoop?

Um... I just wanted to say

that I'm glad you're not moving out because

I love you and I'd miss you.

(Door closes) Kyle: Mandy?

Hello? Are you okay?

Um... I'm okay, but I
think Eve might be dying.

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