All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s03e16 Stud Muffin.eng

"Last Man Standing" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

I can't believe you left
that guy my number.

You weren't going to.

Because he drives a minivan
with a dent in it.

- You were the one who dented it.
- Wait. W-w-wait. Hold it.

Mandy, you dented a car?

A parked car.

In her defense, she was
swerving to avoid a tree.

And you weren't gonna leave a note?

Oh, what was I supposed to say?

"Uh, sorry that I hit your car.

Uh, here's my number."

- Yes.
- Yes.

Okay, if I had to stop

and leave notes on everything
that I've banged into,

I would never get anywhere.

Come on, Mandy. You know better than that.

W-what's your dad always
going on and on about?

Mm, Obama, Benghazi,
"When are the Yekekians

going to take down their Christmas lights?"

Personal responsibility.

Oh, right.

I think that part kind of
gets lost in all the crazy.

Hey, hey. Hi.

What the heck happened to your car?

[chuckles] You should see the other guy.
[door closes]

That's not a boast you
should make to the guy

paying for your insurance.

She bumped a parked car. But don't worry.

- I did the right thing, and I left a note.
- I left a note.

- Why are you leaving the note?
- Hey, what's the deal

with the Yekekians and their
Christmas lights, though?

[chuckling] Am I right?

Yeah, I was telling her, honey,

owning up to your mistakes
is its own reward.

It's called integrity.

It's something Obama doesn't have
with that Benghazi thing. Okay.

But still... You know... you know what?

When are the Yekekians
gonna take those stupid

- Christmas lights down?
- I don't know.

Why is Eve writing notes for her?

Uh, Mandy wouldn't do it.
I'm so disappointed in her.

Well, at least the good one
knows right from wrong.

Oh. All our girls are equally good.

Oh, yeah. Keep beating that drum.

[doorbell rings]

[sighs]

- Baxter.
- Hey.

Hey, what are you bringing

this mangy critter over here for?

Lady's a purebred German shepherd.

I was talking to Lady.

VANESSA: Oh. Come on.

Seriously, Mike. Come on in, Chuck.

[sighs] Okay.

Well, we can't stay long because...

[sighs] ...I don't want to.

Listen, I went to the breeders today,

and a funny thing...

it turns out Lady is already pregnant.

Now, how do you think
that happened, Baxter?

Well, when, uh... When two
dogs really love each other...

...And they have enough tequila...

[sighs] I never leave her around male dogs.

Then, I remember when Eve volunteered

to watch Lady for the weekend.

Yeah.

There is one dog she might
have had contact with.

Oh. [chuckling] Oh.

Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Muffin is less a dog than a throw pillow.

Oh.

[chuckling] And, number
two, Muffin is a girl.

Uh, honey, you're... you're kidding, right?

Muffin's a male.

S-s-since when?

Well...

you never checked your dog's
undercarriage, Baxter?

We don't have that kind of relationship.

Come here. Come here. Come
here just for a second.

Let me see you. [sighs]

It's mostly fluff down there.

Kind of like an early Penthouse Magazine.

Yeah, well, look close.

They're a lot tinier on the white ones.

I'll be damned.

Oh. Well, kind of makes
me a little uncomfortable

with all the naps we've taken together.

I feel weird that you
feel weird about that.

How is that dog not fixed, Baxter?

Has Sarah McLachlan taught
you people nothing?

Wait... the... hold...
let's get this straight.

You brought a dog in heat

into a home with a well-known player.

Give me five.

I only allow Lady to breed

with other purebred German shepherds.

Well, maybe you should teach
Lady how to say, "Nein!"

I get like $500 or $600
apiece for Lady's pups.

Sweet. What's our cut of that?

Nobody is gonna want whatever
weird monster babies

come out of her now!

Half German shepherd, half... dust bunny!

W-what are you planning on
doing about this, Baxter?

Are you absolutely sure

she hasn't been with any other dogs?

What are you suggesting?

That Lady... is a tramp.

Walk around the neighborhood
in a fur coat with no pants...

What did you expect was gonna happen?

What do you want, Baxter, a paternity test?

That's a good idea.

Maybe later on, Muffin
and I stop by your house

and drop a DNA sample on your front lawn.

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

I'm just having trouble

picturing how this was possible
between Muffin and Lady.

Well, Muffin's a resourceful
little guy, you know?

Maybe he got up on the picnic table.

Which I will no longer be eating off of.

And maybe they, uh, did it "people style."

you know what, honey?

We got to make this right
with the Larabees.

Carol is my closest friend
in the neighborhood.

This is on Lady for not being careful.

Because, when it comes to birth control,

the female bears total responsibility.

Well, if she doesn't want
to bear puppies, she does.

Oh, my God. Bear puppies are so cute.

[laughs]

Muffin is gonna make such a great dad.
Aren't you?

"Hey! You kids knock it off back there,

"or I'm gonna turn this car right around!

Stop!"

Uh, so, what's gonna
happen with the puppies?

Uh, what puppies?

Oh, uh, Muffin knocked up the
Larabees' German shepherd.

[sighs] And, look, didn't skip town.

Boyd, it's time for dinner, sweetie.

So, Muffin impregnated a
dog four times his size?

Tom Cruise knocked up Katie Holmes.

Anything is possible. [chuckles]

I didn't even know Muffin was a male.

See? He fools everybody with
that squat-and-pee thing.

Well... First thing's first...

we really should get him neutered.

Take his nuts off? Oh, honey.

After what those little
nuggets accomplished?

Hey. Nobody answered me. What's
gonna happen with the puppies?

Well [sighs] the Larabees will probably try

to find them good homes.

Which will be tricky

'cause nobody really wants
a Maltese shepherd.

A Germ-tese.

Mal... Mall-turd? [chuckles]

Okay, so, if they can't find homes...

Well, if they can't find homes,

then they'll end up at the pound,

and they'll probably be just destr...

H-hey. hi. hey.

Uh, did, uh...

maybe you should wash your hands, honey.

- Yeah.
- I already washed them.

Did those fingers end up
in your nose since then?

- Only these two.
- Aah.

Go, go, go. Wash them again. Let's go.

[sighs]

There's very little chance

those puppies will end up in the pound.

Oh. That's a relief.

He's just gonna terminate the pregnancy.

- Oh, Dad, what?
- Oh, Mike. Come on.

Well, that's what happens...
they'll get rid of the babies

so she can go through
another breeding cycle.

That's just what happens, guys.

Well, we can't let him do that.

Dad, we have to save them.

Don't we have any rights?
Muffin is the father.

Wait a minute, are you saying
someone other than the mother

has rights during the pregnancy?

"One of my puppies could
grow up to cure cancer!"

I am just saying

that you and Chuck should
work something out.

No, no. No, no.

This is a choice between
Lady and her physician.

Maybe she's not ready to have children.

Maybe this is an inconvenient time.

Maybe she wants to go back to
obedience school, you know?

Whatever.

The father has no rights
when it comes to pregnancy.

Yeah, but he has plenty to
say before the pregnancy.

By using birth control or self-control...

- two things guys kind of stink at.
- Amen.

It sounds like someone's trying

to ditch out on their
responsibilities, Mike.

I didn't get the dog pregnant.

I didn't even know Muffin
had the equipment.

All right. Let's pray. We eat.

[cellphone rings] Sorry.

Please, put the phones down.

[inhale sharply] Oh, no.
It's an unknown number.

Oh, I bet it's that car you bumped.

Mandy, answer it.
You can't run away from it.

Hi. This is Mandy Baxter.

Hey, hey, hey.

See if he wants a monster puppy as payment.

Stop.

[doorbell rings]

Oh. Hey, Carol. Is Chuck around?

Sorry, Mike. He's not here.

Oh, okay, would you tell
him that Vanessa and I

figured it probably was Muffin
that got his freak on with Lady?

Oh, well, Lady is a big girl,

and by that I mean she
probably didn't notice.

Um, well, w-whatever the costs,

- w-we'll share them with you.
- Okay.

'Cause it's... you know, it's
It's the right thing to do.

- Fine.
- You're welcome.

I didn't say "Thank you."

I know you didn't, but... you're welcome.

Listen. [chuckles]

I'll tell Chuck. I promise.

But I'm not quite sure when
I'm gonna see him again.

Ah, don't worry. I'm sure he'll come back.

Don't let the statistics scare you.

[chuckles]

That's... that's a kind
of joke Chuck enjoys.

Mm. He really doesn't.

But he's not here. He moved out.

Out?

Out... almost a week ago.

I'm sorry to hear that. I really am.

So, um, if you don't mind me asking,

where... where did he move to?

He's staying temporarily
over at the Pinewood,

those furnished apartments
you can rent by the week.

Ri... [laughs]

It's funny 'cause a lot of guys

rent those by the by the hour 'cause the...

I don't... I'm s... I don't
...I don't... I don't...

I don't think Chuck did
it that way, though.

- Hey.
- Hi.

So... how pissed was the guy about his car.

Did he yell? Did he slap you?

You know what?

He was actually really
impressed that I left a note.

But I left the note.

Yeah, it turns out that he
owns that electronics store

where we parked,

and he said that my honesty
restored his faith in humanity.

And then he gathered all
of his employees around.

And... they slapped you?

They applauded me.

And then...

He gave me an iPad!

What? Yeah!

Yeah, he said I should be
rewarded for my integrity.

Mm-hmm. But it's my
integrity, so it's my iPad.

Ooh, Eve, Eve, Eve. No.

Just try being a better person.

Good things will happen to you, too.

[sighs]

Hey, honey? Yeah?

Good night, girls. Good night.
BOTH: Good night.

You ready for bed? As a
matter of fact, I am.

But you know what? I'm gonna
get some cereal. I'll be up.

Okay. Oh, hey. You know what?

You never told me how
things went with Chuck.

Are you two, uh, all back to normal?

In that we still dislike each other?

That's never gonna change.

He actually wasn't there.

But, uh, Carol gave me his new address.

New address? What new address?

Are the Larabees moving?

Just Chuck.

What?

Hey, are you telling me
that Chuck left Carol?

I don't know. We... we didn't get into it.

[gasps] I... [sighs] I'm shocked.

You know, I'm not really shocked.

I think she woke up one day

and went, "Damn, I'm married to Chuck?"

Either way, honey, this is
none of our business, okay?

No. No. I just... I can't
believe she didn't tell me.

I-I just saw her yesterday,
and she never let on.

I guess it's true... Black don't crack.

That's not what that means.

I asked her if she was okay,

and she had the nerve to say "Fine."

But she is fine. No, she
lied right to my face.

No, she is fine. No.

She said "Fine" to me, too.

You know that feeling that washes over you

every time Chuck leaves the room?

Where are you going?

I'm going to see my dear
friend Carol Larabee.

You know what time it is?

No, I just want to make sure she's okay

and that she knows that I
am always there for her.

Don't go over there now!
There's no reason to...

See if she's got milk.

And, hey, watch your step.

I made good on that DNA promise, too.

[sighs]

[doorbell rings]

Vanessa?

Oh, Carol, honey, Mike told me about Chuck.

You... you must be devastated.

You know, I'm actually
a very private person

when it comes to things like this.

- Right. Mm-hmm.
- I'm hoping you'll understand that.

- But we're friends.
- I didn't think you would.

Come on in.

I know, sweetie. I-I-I hate to intrude.

But how... how are you holding up?

This is probably the
worst of it right here.

Yeah.

Yeah, listen, Carol,

you don't have to pretend
to be strong for me.

If there's one thing I've
learned as a military wife,

it's how to get along without my husband.

Mm. Yeah. And, with all that moving around,

not to get too close to the neighbors.

So...

Well, wait, listen.

Carol, I mean, w-when did Chuck leave home?

A week ago. What?

A-a week ago? But... but I
just saw you yesterday.

We went to a movie. Why...
why didn't you tell me then?

I don't talk in movie theaters.

- I...
- Most of us don't.

- I know, but...
- Tell your friends.

[sighs]

Although, I did agree with that woman

who yelled, "Watch out, gravity!

Don't let go of that spaceship!"

I'm sorry.

I thought we were... were closer than that.

Well, if you had asked me about
Chuck, I would have told you.

Well... "Asked you?"

Well, Carol, I-I-I can't ask
you about every little thing.

I mean, I-I can't ask you
every time I see you

if you have some terrible disease.

[gasps]

Please tell me you don't
have a terrible disease!

Please. [laughs]

If I did, would you stop yelling at me?

Oh, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, too. Aw.

I mean, I didn't know Chuck
and me having a big fight

- would cause you this much pain.
- No, it's just... No.

Oh. [voice breaking] I just...

Oh, I want to be there for you, Carol.

And I just... I don't know.
I want you to want me, too.

Oh, come on, honey.

[sobbing] There, there.

- Oh, you gonna get over this, girl.
- Ohh.

- Oh, there she is, my good
Samaritan, Mandy. - Hi.

[both laugh]

Don't tell me... you dented my car again.

[laughs]

But, of course, you would tell me

because you're such an honest person.

Aww. Yeah, no. I was
really careful this time.

I just parked in the handicapped spot.

Okay.

So, are you enjoying your iPad?

[inhales sharply]

Well... I kind of thought
that it'd have, like,

more gigs and maybe the retina display,

so I was hoping that I could
just return it for cash.

- Let me get this straight.
- Yeah.

- You dent my car.
- Mm-hmm.

And I reward you for your honesty

by giving you a beautiful gift.

Yes, it was beautiful...

but also sort of, like, the base model.

And now you want to return it to me

and expect me to give you cash?

Mm-hmm. That would be great. Thank you.

How dare you?!

Okay, um... Store credit is totally fine.

Although, like, I'm not
really seeing anything

that I love, but...

You ungrateful criminal.

What?

Everyone, gather 'round.
You remember Mandy.

[applause]

No clapping!

She is no longer our friend.

She is here today throwing
my gift in my face

and breaking my heart.

Give me that. No.

No gift for you.

Ha. Joke's on you because I
didn't even leave that note.

My sister did.

Oh, well, ha.

Joke's back on you because I'm gonna call

your insurance company for that dent.

Oh, ha ha!

Joke's back on you because that bill

goes straight to my dad.

Well, ha.

The joke's on you because
you're being towed right now.

So much for your no-hassle return policy.

Doc, I'll bring him over right now.

Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

[sighs]

Listen, I'm sorry it's
come to this, Muffin.

I'll give you a few minutes
to kiss them goodbye.

- I'm gonna head out.
- Mm.

You going to the vet?

I can't get this operation off my mind.

Today, at Starbucks, I ordered
a muffin without nuts.

Honey, he'll sleep, and when he wakes up,

he won't even know what happened.

He's a guy. He'll know what happened.

If it happened to me,
I'd know what happened.

If it happened to you,
you'd have to figure out

something else to do while you watch TV.

Listen. [sighs]

- Can we please talk about the Larabees?
- This is none of our business.

I tried to get Carol to
open up about it, but...

Because it's none of our business.

Chuck's retirement is the problem.

See, he's around all the
time with nothing to do,

and he pretends it doesn't affect him,

but the guy feels like
he's lost his purpose.

You said you couldn't get her to open up.

Well... I don't know this much about Jesus,

and I read the whole book.

Well... I had to fill
in a lot of the blanks.

Look, I know Carol well enough to know

that her pushing me away, it's really...

really a plea for help.

Or a plea for you to go away!

Well, you'll talk to him,

and you'll get Chuck's side of the story.

I don't want Chuck's side of the story!

Why am I involved in this?

Look, the guy is lost.

He's over there breeding dogs

because Carol talked him
out of getting chickens.

Listen, you know the won...

wonderful thing about
other people's problems?

They're other people's problems.

Well, you know what?

Do what you want, but the
guy deserves our help.

He's a neighbor, he's a
friend, and he's a vet.

Well, he's not the kind of vet that
could help me out with Muffin.

I'll tell you that.

Oh, come on.

You're gonna have to figure
out something else to do

when you watch TV.

Okay, Lady.

Now, I ran out of brown,

so I'm gonna have to paint your eyes green!

[knock on door]

Okay, well, you just stay there.
I'll get it.

If it's an intruder, I'll bite him.

[sighs]

- Come here.
- Bax... Baxter?

Hold on a second. Come here!

Come here, you little horn dog!
That's a cat, damn it.

Oh. Geez.

Did you bring him around here to gloat?

No, no. On my way to get him fixed.

I figured, maybe for old time's sakes,

that Lady would toss him one.

[groans] We're not interested.

[door closes] [Lady whines]

I said we're not interested.

Actually, the reason I stopped by...

I don't know what Carol told you,

but I'm willing to take
responsibility for those puppies.

Oh.

I haven't spoken to Carol, but, uh...
but thanks.

And, uh... Oh, when you...
when you spoke to Carol,

did, uh... did she, uh
Did she seem okay?

Yeah, I guess. I didn't talk to her much.

I talked to her boyfriend.
Man, he can cook.

I don't know what he was making.

Painting the den there.

Putting his furniture in it.
[laughs] Oh, Baxter.

I'd really hoped Carol

would get custody of you in the breakup.

You know, I... Enh-enh!

Oh, that... Man, that's something, huh?

[sighs]

Which one of you painted this?

It's... it's a new hobby.

I'm not... not really good at hobbies.
[sighs]

Not really good at painting, either.

Chuck... What are you doing here?

I'm trying to enjoy my retirement.

But my wife thinks I
need to be doing stuff.

I-I don't want to... I don't want to

clean rain gutters or... or build shelves

or plant her a little patch of oregano.

I do not like oregano!

If you garden like you paint,

you won't have to worry about that.

The woman won't accept that
I just like to do nothing.

It's understandable.

I mean, you are in your late 40s.

That's generally the time
that men just sit back

and wait to die.

Sometimes, death can
just spring up on a man,

like when he's bothering a Marine.

Listen, I get it.

I get what it's like coming home.

I was on the road for eight
years of my marriage

shooting pictures for Outdoor Man.

Well, unless those pictures
were shooting back,

it's not really the same thing.

I'm talking about when I got him,

my wife had all sorts of ideas
how I should spend my time.

[sighs]

Didn't like it, but, I mean,
I didn't just bail out.

[sighs] What do you want me to say, Baxter?

That all I've ever done
is serve my country,

and without it I'm lost?

That my whole identity was
tied up with being a Marine,

and now I don't know who I am?

Or... or... or... Oh, I-I'm afraid.

Oh, yeah, now, that's it. That's it.

I'm afraid to take the next step in my life

because what if I try
something new and I fail?

Uh... Exhibit "A."

I ran out of brown!

Look, I-I got home,

and I had to figure out a
way to reinvent myself.

You got to reinvent yourself.

[sighs] I get it, Baxter.

No, but you can't do it alone.

You got to reinvent yourself around the...

the new platoon you got to spend time with.

It's your wife and kid.

You got to go home, man.

[sighs]

You're welcome.

I didn't say "Thank you."

It's time to go get snipped.

I'm gonna put them on a key chain.

You could have just said
you missed me, Baxter.

Yeah, I could have.

Listen, you might want to
give Carol a courtesy call

in case someone's there
planting her oregano.

[laughs] [door closes]

Hi, there.

Mike "The Moose" Baxter
here for Outdoor Man.

[howls]

Announcing our first annual
marriage-saver sale.

20% off everything

we sell designed to help you
spend time away from home...

Which is pretty much everything
we sell here at Outdoor Man.

Because nothing is better for a marriage

than not being around
each other all the time.

Ask a man why he goes to work.
He'll say, "to earn a living."

But come on... with the
internet, these days,

most jobs could be done at home
right next to the little lady.

[chuckles]

"What are you working on?
Want to get some lunch?

"Since you're here,

"can you fix that thing
that isn't really broken

that I just don't know how to use?"

Listen, we all know the guy
who worked for 50 years,

retired, came home, and
died a few weeks later.

And people say, "He
worked himself to death."

I don't know.

He was fine when he was working.

Sounds like the dude came
home, and that killed him.

Come on.

The only way to be missed
is to be gone sometimes.

We've got explorer-model
backpacks on sale now

from 25% to 35% off.

Be sure to be gone long enough
that she starts to actually say,

"You know, he doesn't smell that bad."

So, pick up one of these and take a hike

before the wife tells you to.

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0