All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s03e05 Haunted House.eng

"Last Man Standing"
is recorded

in front of a live
studio audience.

Hey, guys.

- Hi.
- Hi, honey.

What's that smell?

Takeout
from emperor's garden.

We're getting
our won ton on.

Sorry, honey.
I didn't have time to cook.

- Hey.
- All right.

Another American job
outsourced to the Chinese.

So, what's all this mess?

The PTA
Halloween fundraiser.

I thought we were done
with that PTA stuff.

Isn't that the upside
of being grandparents?

You don't have to deal
with all the school crap?

You mean improving

the educational environment
for my child?

Yeah. School crap.

No, honey,
Kristin and I got suckered

into running
the Haunted House

because nobody else volunteered.

Suckered into it?

- Your hand shot up as soon as it was m...
- Well...no...

- you might have even yelled "dibs."
- Okay.

Let me explain something.

If your mom
wasn't the type

to volunteer
for unpleasant jobs,

none of you
would exist.

Kristin, listen,
this move is gonna be great

for your PTA career.

Can't I just sit back
and mock people

- who say things like "your PTA career"?
- No... I...

You nail the fall fundraiser,
you're a hero.

You can just coast
until the easter-egg hunt.

Easter eggs are disgusting.

I would never eat anything
that came out of a rabbit.

Look at these...

look at these
pumpkin lights, mom?

- Those are cute. Yeah?
- Yay, yeah.

Those would be great
if our theme was "lame."

How come the Haunted House
has to be scary?

Because otherwise
it's just a house

and we'd be realtors.

Come on. The goal is
to scare the heck out of kids.

I thought the goal
was to raise money.

Yeah, by scaring the heck
out of kids.

You know,
when I was PTA president,

my Haunted Houses
always made money.

Last year, Helen Potts and
her geniuses barely broke even.

You know
what their theme was?

Happy,
happy mermaids.

I'm just concerned
'cause little kids Boyd's age

are so sensitive,
you know?

Boo!

Classic!

Getting people
to stain their skivvies...

that's what Halloween
is all about.

That is the reason
for the season.

Yeah, see, Kristin? Getting
scared is fun. I love it.

Boo!

You got to work
on the timing.

All right, now go see if you can
scare your aunt Mandy.

And remember
everything I said, okay?

Awesome! Aunt Mandy,
I'm not coming upstairs!

It's a...
it's a timing thing.

Hey, fellas.

Hey, Mike.
Hey, Mr. b.

- Come on in.
- I got my coffin in the back of Kyle's Van.

So, I was right about
that weird-looking mole.

Vanessa wanted to look in
my coffin for her Haunted House.

Vanessa,
your coffin is here.

Great. Yeah.
Just a minute.

Why do you have
a coffin?

Mr. Alzate
got it at costco.

They have everything.

Well, you see, Kyle and I were
shopping for our camping trip,

and I-I bought
the jumbo-sized bacon,

and it got me thinking
about mortality.

Why would you cut back on bacon
when coffins are so cheap?

And it's...
it's a beauty, too...

20-gauge steel construction,
gold swing-bar handles,

and a white,
crepe interior.

The sausalito.

All right. Let me get a
look at this pine box. Yeah.

Hey, Ed, thanks.

- Hi.
- Ooh. Hey, honey.

Hey, dad.

- Mr. Alzate, it's good to see you.
- Hey, kiddo.

Sweet coffin outside.
Who died?

Ed if he doesn't have
that mole looked at.

"S.P." What's that?
Shore patrol?

School safety police.

Yeah, I get to bust heads
and take names.

I also get called names.

Now you're a narc,

Well, I'd love
to get a narco bust.

But so far,
my collars have been tardies,

talking in a library,
and a lot of dsos.

- Disrespecting safety officers.
- Ooh.

Those kids will need
a home loan one day

and that dso...
come back to haunt them.

Keep on joking, dad, but when
your math book goes missing,

ask a hippie
to find it.

Now, ed, that coffin is great,
but, you know what?

Did you notice
there's a scratch on it?

Yeah, I know. I know.
It's a return.

You should have seen
the scratch marks on the inside.

Mike, I...

- I really admire Eve's moxie with
this junior ROTC Thing. - Right.

But there's nothing teenagers
hate worse than a snitch.

Don't want their dads giving
them a kiss at drop-off either.

- I was... I was an MP In Vietnam, yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah, and the troops
despised us, more than the VC,

more than hanoi Jane, more than
that idiot disc jockey.

There were no good mornings
in Vietnam.

But other than that,
the war was fun, right?

You know, Kristin,
you're...you're so busy

with work and Boyd,
why don't you let me

deal with all
the boring details.

So, I let you
do everything your way

and just
keep my mouth shut.

That would be so helpful.

Boo!

Yep, yep.
You're right, mom.

Getting scared is fun.

sync and corrections by dreaMaker7
www.addic7ed.com

- Hey.
- Hey.

Welcome to tonight's
pre-Halloween dress rehearsal.

I hear mom's makeup
looks great.

What do you mean
you hear it's great?

Aren't you in charge
of this thing?

No, the only thing
she let me be in charge of

was hanging up the posters.

And even then,
I used the wrong tape.

Well, I just need to get back
in time to stop those jerks

who always TP our house
on mischief night.

What's mischief night?

Tonight. The...
the night before Halloween.

Kids go around
vandalizing stuff.

You mean cabbage night.

What? That's what we call it
up in winnipeg?

What do you call the night
when everyone eats cabbage?

Canada.

They are building that wall
on the wrong border.

Yeah,
we feel the same way.

We're just too polite
to say it.

Come on, Boyd.
Let's ditch these hosers?

Hey, ma! Come on!

Let's get this show on the road.
I got a party to get to.

Yeah?
What's your costume this year?

Yeah. Slutty nurse,
slutty cop, slutty narwhal?

Yeah. Actually, I'm...
I'm not wearing a costume.

So slutty...
college student?

Babe, one of your posters
fell down again.

Fine, okay? I admit it.
She was right about the tape.

Hey, Eve,
you know, um,

it's not really cool
making women feel bad

about their modes
of sexual expression.

We were talking about it
in sociology class.

It's called
slut-shaming.

And you were there
as a visual aid?

Ha ha ha ha ha.
My God, you're so funny.

Okay, well,
you might as well know

you don't really have anything
to worry about

guarding
the house tonight.

I'm not worried.

It's those jerks
with the toilet paper

who need
to watch their backs.

Yeah.
You don't get it.

See, the only reason
why we got TP'D

was because I was still
in high school.

But I thought
you were so popular.

I was.

See, at woodbridge,
getting TP'D

is a sign that the cool kids
really like you, so...

I'd like to see what they do
if they don't like you.

You will.
You'll just get ignored.

This one here?

Yeah, right there.

Grandpa,
are you excited?

I am thrilled,
Boyd.

If it weren't for coming here,
I'd be at home,

watching the world series,
drinking a beer.

This is gonna be
real scary?

It doesn't look scary!

It looks awesome!

Well,
don't get your hopes up.

Last year, the place
was swimming with mermaids.

Welcome to the Clark elementary
Haunted House!

Enter if you dare!

Look at that...
an old hag.

Honey, I'm a witch.
I'm just a witch.

Don't lag behind!

We've already lost a few
children to angry spirits!

I think
I'm just gonna go home.

Are you scared, Eve?

Yeah. That's it.
I'm scared.

Come along.
Come along.

Or I'll use your bones
to make a stew!

What's going on?

She said something
about wanting

to guard the house
from cabbage night.

Your mom's
making cabbage tonight?

Talk about
a house of horrors later.

You guys
are gonna hate me.

Cool!

Yeah, count Dracula!

Vampires are so
three years ago.

Beware the dinner
of the damned!

Beware
the grabbing ghoul!

Honey,
are you all right?

Beware
the giant spider!

Boyd, Boyd?
Boyd, Boyd.

Boyd?
Boyd, Boyd, Boyd.

Man!

Boyd?
Boyd, Boyd, Boyd?

Hey!

I said "beware."

If you could get Ryan
to do that every time,

this place
would make a fortune.

Honey!
No, no, no.

All right, I put Boyd to bed,

but I'm already late
for work.

C-can't you just stay
with him?

I can't.
I got the strike meeting.

Look, don't worry.
Boyd is gonna be fine.

If he's anything like me,

he's gonna stop crying
in an hour

and just be scared of spiders
for the rest of his life.

I got to go.

- Love you.
- Love you, too.

All right. There.

His,
pants are clean and dry.

God. Has he ever wet himself
like that before?

Every time he's seen
a spider twice his size.

So, no, never.

I know.
I am so sorry.

You know, I-I think you should
run the Haunted House.

- Where did Ryan just go?
- Strike meeting.

Boy, on cabbage night?
Is nothing sacred?

You know, clearly,
today was all my fault.

Honey, I-I just
made that Haunted House

too scary
for little kids.

The Haunted House
wasn't too scary,

and this
is not your fault.

Whose fault is it then?
What... Me?!

All I did was put up posters
with the wrong tape, okay?

How is this my fault?

You don't deal with that kid
being afraid of anything.

He can't sleep at night,
so you leave the light on.

He won't go to bed, so
you let him sleep with you guys.

You take him to a petting zoo,
and you shoo away the goats.

- You know about the goat trauma.
- Yeah.

Tries to milk a male goat?
I'm with the male goat on this.

You got to teach that kid to
deal with uncomfortable things.

Otherwise,
he'll be sitting on that couch,

he'll learn that Hillary's
running for president,

he's gonna
wet the couch.

I don't think
that's gonna happen, honey.

Trust me,
she's running.

I'm sorry, dad, okay,

but I am not taking Boyd
to school tomorrow.

I don't want him going through
that Haunted House again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He runs into stuff
that's unpleasant,

you rob him of the chance
to overcome it.

All right,
I have to, okay?

What if he chickens out
in front of his friends

o-or, even worse,
pees his pants again?

Hey, hey. What if we put him in a
costume that's really absorbent?

Wasn't...wasn't he spongebob
a few years ago?

Here's an idea...
let's put him back in there,

he can face that spider,
and maybe come out there

feeling
like a little hero.

Yeah. That...
that would be great.

But...but what if
it doesn't work?

You remember
when you were his age?

You didn't want to
take swim lessons.

You were afraid
to go off the diving board,

and I wouldn't let you
stop the swim lessons.

Remember why?

Yeah, 'cause you already
paid that guy 40 bucks.

I didn't want
you to quit.

Yeah, I remember.

You...you climbed up there,
wrapped your arms around me,

and we jumped
off the board together.

We pretty much invented
synchronized diving, you and I.

But if you hadn't done it
and faced your fear,

you would have never become
the good diver you became.

Okay, dad, if you can get Boyd
to face his fear,

then we'll go to the
Haunted House tomorrow, okay?

- Good night. Mwah.
- Good night.

Let's,
try not to traumatize him

any more than necessary.

Well, w-which one of us
was that directed at?

Exactly.

- You.
- You.

It's you.
You with the big spider.

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for outdoor man,

where the knives, machetes,
and axes are all real.

But don't be afraid

'cause during
this Halloween Holiday,

they're also 20% off.

You know, fear...
interesting thing.

Fdr said, "the only thing
we have to fear is fear itself."

Of course, that big old
socialist might have added

"you should also fear
the massive government programs

I'll saddle
this country with forever!"

Frank Herbert's book "Dune"

had a great Sci-Fi hero,
Paul Muad'dib.

He said,
"fear is the mind killer.

Fear is the little death
that brings total obliteration."

If you get really terrified,
of course,

you obliterate
your long Johns...

also on sale here
at outdoor man.

But I think
mark twain said it best.

"Real courage
is the mastery of fear,

not the absence of fear."

Our first responders
and firemen

aren't brave
because they don't feel fear.

Of course they do.

They're brave because they run
into burning buildings anyway.

That's the kind of courage

we should be striving for
for all of us.

And no matter
what you're afraid of,

I promise you we carry something
at outdoor man

that will kill it.

Hey, Boyd,
I really want you to try to sleep

without the light on,
all right?

I'm still thinking
about that scary spider.

It's kind of silly.

In these walls alone,
there's thousands of spiders

far more dangerous
than that one.

That's probably
not very helpful, is it?

None of that stuff was real
in there, kid.

You know that,
don't you?

I dressed you up like Frankenstein...
you're not a monster

'cause real monsters
are ticklish.

And you're not ticklish.

Listen, everything you saw
in that house was fake.

So nobody ever had an ax
in his head?

Well, given all the axes
in the world and all the heads,

odds are someone has an ax
in their head.

But I got a catalog
that we get at the house,

and look what I found...
a jumping spider, $79.99.

It's made
out of plastic.

$79.99?

Your grandma paid 80 bucks
for that thing?

I'm gonna pee
in my pants.

It's just filled with all
the stuff you saw in there.

"Crawling monster hand...
buy one, get one free."

Yeah, crawling monster hand...

that's what the girls
used to call me in high school.

There's nothing in here
for you to be scared of,

and there's nothing in there
to be scared of.

Would you think about going
in that Haunted House again?

- I don't know.
- What if I went with you?

And I will go with you.

I'll hold your hand,
you and I together.

Okay.

Okay.

It takes a brave man
to face his fears.

It really does.

And you're a brave man,
Boyd Baxter.

All right.

Just you sleep tight.
I'm gonna shut the lights off.

And as my grandma says,
"sleep tight,

and don't let
the bedbugs bite."

Bedbugs?

Sports!

Hey, who's out there?!

Because you're just in time
for batting practice.

Eve, it's me, Mandy.

What's our
home phone number?

Star-4.

It is you.

Okay, why are you TP'ing
your own house?

- Did you forget where you live again?
- No.

No, these, um...these, like,
big football players came by,

and I scared them off,

so I had to take the stuff
away from them.

Nice try, Mandy, but
if the football team was here,

you would have invited them
into the bushes with you.

All right,
you know what?

I was actually out here
because I felt bad

for being mean to you earlier,
but I don't anymore,

because you deserve it.

Wait.

So, you're saying you've been
out in the cold

trying to make it
look like we got TP'D

because you want to
protect my feelings?

Yeah,
but it was a stupid idea,

thinking
that you had feelings.

Thank you.

What?

I said, "thank you."

That was a nice thing
you couldn't quite do.

T.P.'ing is not as easy
as it looks.

You're not as easy
as you look, Mandy,

despite all my killer slams
on the topic.

Sometimes I say
that stuff because...

It just bugs me
how popular you are.

Hey, you could be popular,
too,

if you just changed
every single thing

that you do
in high school.

Well, I'm pretty popular
with my crowd.

The unpopular kids.

Yep. That's my posse.

Hey, who needs cool kids

when you have
an awesome big sister

willing to TP her own yard
for you?

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

Hey, Mike?

You need to go
to the store.

I don't think
we have enough candy

for the trick-or-treaters
tonight.

There's plenty.

You just got to use an old trick
my dad taught me.

You put one in, right?

And while they're not looking,
you take two out.

Stop.
That's terrible!

Aren't you supposed to be
on your broomstick about now?

No, no.

Kristin's gonna run
the Haunted House tonight.

No, I meant
your real broomstick.

This place is looking
like a pigsty.

Cut it out,
cut it out!

I'm just
trying to cheer you up.

Yeah, and you stink at it.
Y-you know what?

I feel bad enough
about the Haunted House.

I really...
I don't want to go.

Honey,
you did all the work.

Yeah,
and I screwed it all up.

I got all caught up trying
to relive my PTA Glory days.

A geology career just wasn't
as fulfilling as you thought.

You trying to
cheer me up again?

I never understood why you did
all that PTA work anyway.

Honey, you know what?

It's just...
it's such a rush

doing something
with the kids

and... and having it turn out
really well.

You should go.

No. You know what?
It's... it's not mine anymore.

It's Kristin's PTA,

and then it should be
her Haunted House.

It's probably full

of boring pumpkin lights
and mermaids, but...

But you do this to support the
people you love. You should go.

Well, want to come
and support me?

Boy, I painted myself
into that corner.

Did you guys
see the yard?

- What?
- We got hit on mischief night.

- What? No.
- Yeah. Come here.

For crap's sake.

It's a winter wonderland!

I know!
It's a mess!

Wouldn't it be cool
if the Google car drove by now?

Where did all this
come from?

It's from my junior
ROTC Platoon.

And they left
their calling card.

I can't get too mad.

They bought these
at outdoor man.

Honey, somebody
took those pants off

in your daughter's
front yard.

All right, I'm mad.

Hey, Mandy,
this is way more toilet paper

than you got
last year.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take it down a notch.

Act like
you've been there before.

All right.
You know what, Mike?

This is a big job.
We'd better get started.

Just let her enjoy it
a little bit.

And then we'll make her
clean it up all by herself.

Sweetie,
you look amazing! Wow!

Please.
I am half the hag you are.

Now, come on.
Don't fight, girls.

You're both
tremendous hags.

Hold on.
Boyd, Boyd, Boyd!

So, um,
did you change a lot?

You probably got rid
of the big spider, right?

No, mom.
It's still your Haunted House.

The kids all love it
exactly the way it is.

Aww. The Baxter PTA
Legacy is secure.

Well, you know, who cares
about the Baxter Legacy?

I mean, it...
it's really all for the...Kids.

I guess it's time for Boyd
to face his fears.

All right, Frank,
you ready?

Just like we talked about.
Ready?

- No, grandpa. I don't want to.
- Yes, we're going.

No, stop, stop.

Listen, I told you, it's all
phony stuff. It's fake.

- We've looked at the catalog, remember?
- I know.

That's why...
I want to go in alone.

Yeah? Really?
Are you sure?

He's going in.
You're going in by yourself.

- We're right out here.
- Good luck, sweetie.

Dismembered lumberjack...
$64.99!

Drop-down Spooky Ghost $49.99.

$50 for a freaking ghost?!

You've got to be
kidding me!

I-I heard
you guys got hit

pretty bad
for cabbage night?

We were slawed.

Why was Eve happy
about being TP'D?

You wouldn't understand,
dad, okay?

You were never
a teenage girl.

You don't know
everything about me.

The '70s were a time
of experimentation.

Okay.

That...that cowboy went in
with Boyd and he's already out.

I-I wonder if Boyd's okay.

You don't think
he got stuck again

staring at that stupid spider?

No, no. No,
he's Frankenstein.

He's probably
being chased around

by the villagers
with torches, you know?

Stay there. I'm on it.

Boyd...hey, Boyd.

Boyd!

Come on, Boyd.
It's grandpa. It's okay.

Boyd, come on out.

Boo!

It's fun to be scared.
Isn't it, grandpa?

Is it?
Is it really fun?

Was my arm numb
when we walked in here?

sync and corrections by dreaMaker7
www.addic7ed.com

Hey, you see there?

That spider
is not that scary.

And not worth 80 bucks.

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