All language subtitles for Fresh Off the Boat s05e11 Drivers Eddie 2 Orlando Drift.eng

(slurping)

EVAN: Stop!

JESSICA:
Who called this family meeting?

I can't just sit

and watch Jenny
sip a Bloody Mary all morning.

I don't have time
for this.

I have a PTA auction
I need to organize

with a bunch of ladies

who couldn't find a tail
on a four-assed cat.

That's on top of
the million things

on my usual
to-do list.

And I'm out of town
for a couple days,

so you have to bring
Emery to volleyball.

Don't forget his kneepads and
a bottle of lemon water --

he likes lemon water.

EDDIE: Hit it, G-mah!

(Ja Rule's "Holla Holla"
plays on radio)

* Holla, holla

* Anybody just ready to get

* Dollars, dollars

* Ladies know who can
get 'em a little *

* Hotter, hotter

* Come on, if you rollin'
with me, follow, follow *

Why did I feel the need
to drive in?

Because I'm street legal.

I finished my Driver's Ed,

and I can finally get
my driver's license.

-All right.
-(chuckles)

Oh, wow! (laughs)

I knew he was
gonna drive in.

I saw him setting up.

-Don't make it
about you, Dad. -It's his day.

* Holla, holla

* Anybody that's ready to get

* Dollars, dollars

* Ladies know who can
get 'em a little *

* Hotter

**

* Fresh off the boat

* I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go *

* If you don't know, homey,
now you know *

* Fresh off the boat

* Homey, you don't know
where I come from *

* But I know where I'm goin'

* I'm fresh off the boat

I have never seen you this
excited for taco day before.

I'm just practicing for
my driver's license photo.

What do you think?

You look like a dad
on a roller coaster.

Your driver's license photo
is forever.

You want
to convey confidence.

Step inside the mind
of a bouncer.

I'm sorry,
I'm just really excited about

getting my driver's license.

You're excited?
We're excited!

You're gonna be the first one
of us with a license.

And a van big enough
to drive us all around.

I regret nothing
about that moped.

Except crashing it.

Think about all the things
we'll be able to do

once Eddie can drive.

We can drive
through a car wash.

We can drive
through a bank ATM.

Guys, we can drive
through a drive-thru.

-Oh!
-BAREFOOT DAVE: And most importantly,

we can drive to
the Insane Clown Posse concert.

I've been sleeping
with those tickets

under my pillow
for a month.

Those Juggalo chicks
are gonna go wild

when they hear
that I walked away

from a moped wreck.

**

Oh, hey.

The PTA is fundraising
for a new computer lab,

and I need a moneymaker

that's gonna push
this auction over the top.

How do you feel about

a "win a date with
the PTA president"?

Sure, whatever,
anything for the kids.

Do you think I need
to bring floss on this trip?

No, right?
Marvin will probably bring some.

He's a dentist.

-Remind me again

why you're surprising Marvin
with a trip.

Marvin's been straight out
since the baby came.

He and I are due for
some boy time,

and there is
no better place than

the annual Chili Con Conference
in Panama City.

(sighs)
You're right.

I can't
auction myself off.

The auction thermometer
only goes to $10,000.

All right,
who's taking me to the DMV?

It's time to get laminated.

-Sorry, I'm going
to surprise Marvin

with a trip to Chili Con.

If you don't want to take me,
that's fine.

You don't have to lie.

I don't lie about chili.
I eat it.

Moms, you feeling
like a DMV run?

JESSICA: Nope.

I already have to take Emery
to volleyball,

Evan to fencing,
pick up some groceries,

and run this PTA auction

to build you
a new computer lab.

Come on, Mom,
I can't do donuts

around the Mervyn's parking lot
on a computer!

We can't just drop everything
because you have something.

We'll get to it
eventually.

The DMV
isn't going anywhere.

(door opens, closes)

Ah, I'm gonna grab the floss
just in case.

**

-You ready?
-(chuckles)

The anticipation's
killing me, Lou.

(both laugh)

Where are we going?

-I love surprises.
-I know.

It's like you think
something's gonna happen,

then something completely
different happens.

Yep.

Please tell him, Louis.

-(gasps)
-LOUIS: We are going

to the Chili Con
Conference...

-Oh!
-...in the heart of the Redneck Riviera,

Panama City.

I scored us passes

that get us into
the cornbread after-party.

Oh, the Chili Con
Conference...

Whoa!

I'm glad you're
as pumped as I am

because I booked us a double
room at the Airport HoJo.

They have
an indoor pool.

-Ooh.
-Oh, that does sound amazing.

-Right?!
-You got room for one more?

'Cause this sounds
too good to pass up!

-Wait, what?
-Chili?

My two favorite guys?
The open road?

You're checking
all my boxes, Louis.

MARVIN: It might be nice
to have someone

who can go on a late-night
antacid run for us

in case we blow it out.

-(chuckles)
-Well, I only have two passes,

and they were pretty hard
to come by.

Oh, I don't need a pass.

I've seen Dave Matthews
over 40 times.

I've never
bought a ticket.

Um, well,
what about Maria?

Oh, we found this
great new babysitter.

It's a he!

But I only made two aprons,

and we're leaving right now.

There's no time
for you to pack.

Oh, I have a go-bag
in the car.

Panama City!

-Ha! Let's go, bitches!
-MARVIN: (laughs)

(chuckles, sighs)

How about some tunes?

-No radio, it wastes gas.
-How 'bout some air back here?

No vents for me.
I'm cold.

'Cause you're wearing
that skimpy outfit.

If you were playing
a gentleman's sport,

-like fencing --
-Gentleman's sport?

Volleyball is played
in the royal court!

Can we get
a fact check?

Fact --
You guys are lame.

(sword twangs)

Ow!

Evan hit me with
his needle sword.

It's an epee!

(both grunt)

-Stop!
-JESSICA: If you don't knock it off,

I swear I will
turn this car around.

You missed the turn
for the DMV!

I'll take you after
I finish my errands.

I'm your firstborn.

I should be
your first priority.

Oh, you are.

I have to buy groceries
so yo can eat,

return your white-people-are-
bad-at-jumping video

before we get charged,

and then plan a PTA auction
to raise funds for your school.

This list
makes no sense.

The DMV is right there.

You could take me now

and still have time to finish
all this by dinner.

Gah, Mom, why do you have
to make things harder?

It's so easy.

(exhales sharply)

**

Fine.

Let's go to the DMV.

**

* Yeah

(camera shutter clicks)

**

I'm finally free!

Yep, you're free.

Free to do all this...

But, Mom, I'm supposed to hang
with the crew tonight.

You can still spend time with
your ragtag group of friends.

-How?

You told me I could have this
all done by dinner.

You said it was
"so easy" for me.

I see what
you're doing here,

and I accept
your challenge,

if you could even
call it that.

Great.

Well, now I can spend
all my time on the PTA auction.

-Fine.
-Great.

-Fine.
-Great.

-Fine.
-Great.

-Fine.
-Great.

-Fine!
-Great!

Okay, Meatball.

We've got
a lot of work to do

to fix whatever it is you did
to the PTA fundraiser.

It's Jamie.

I brought meatballs
to the HOA once.

And you don't
have to worry

because I found the crown jewel
of our auction --

my homemade
baby-corn earrings.

They're farm-to-ear.

Those will raise
one dollar.

We need
a big-ticket item,

and I've already
taken care of it --

George Foreman's
prototype outdoor grill.

Only one in existence.

It uses methane as fuel.

I also have
a snap-pea anklet.

Everyone looks great
in green.

Okay, whatever it is
you're working through,

-I need you to get
to the other side...

(door opens)
-...before the auction.

-Boom, suckas!

Oh, you did everything?

Told you...easy.

He even got to my fencing
practice early.

Saw him gabbing with all
the other moms while he waited.

Turns out, Shelly's cat died

the same day
her husband left her.

Her goldfish
better watch out.

These things
happen in threes.

Not in my family.

(voice breaking)
It happens in fives.

-Wait. Where are the groceries?
-They're there.

Nope. They are not.

(sighs) I forgot.

I tried on Evan's mask,
and I couldn't get it off.

I-I must've
gotten distracted.

We'll just
pick them up tomorrow.

Tomorrow has its own to-do list,
as does the rest of the week.

What do you think
those are?

I never really
look over there.

I just go fridge
and I'm out.

Well,
the fridge is empty,

and those groceries
were for dinner tonight.

If I go
to the store now,

I'll miss hanging out
with my friends.

You want your brothers
to starve?

No. Fine.

I'll just whip something up
with the stuff we have here.

(sighs)

My first one
with his license.

Thinks he runs
the world.

Ugh, I remember when Jamie Jr.
got his boat license.

You did not want to be
a duck on that lake.

**

**

**

Whoo! Chili Con '99!

You did it.

You got right in here
without a badge,

you little minx.

Oh, it wasn't hard.

No one was even checking,

which is a shame 'cause
I was really looking forward

to breaking out the old
Honey flash-n-dash.

-What?
-Oh.

You pose for a picture
with the ticket guy

and then when he's blinded
by the flash,

you dash inside.

-Right. Thank God.
-Just what I thought it was.

(chuckles)

Hey, Marvin,
check out this chili.

It has your favorite pepper
in it --

the ghost pepper.

Yeah, I see it there
on the chalkboard.

All right, two samples
for the ghostbusters?

(chuckles) We'll try
not to cross our spoons.

-(chuckles)
-(chuckles)

Mmm.

Hotsie-totsie.
She's got a kick.

-Hit this, Marv.
-Ooh.

LOUIS: Oh, careful, rookie.

This is the big leagues.

Mmm.

Meh, I've had hotter.

Uh...well, then, I'll just
wait for the next one.

Want to save my taste buds
for the really hot stuff.

-(chuckles)
-(chuckles)

Hey, uh, Honey,

we're gonna be on this
chili train for a few hours,

so if you want
to go get a nap in,

no one would blame you.

Can't just eat for two,
gotta sleep for two, am I right?

-(chuckles)
-Are you kidding?

I am wide awake.

MARVIN: (chuckles)
Hey, you know, actually,

a nap sounds like
a pretty good idea,

and you two seem to have
everything under control.

-(chuckles)
-Whoo.

But you slept
the whole ride here.

I never hit REM, Louis.

Hey, show her
the bread section.

She loves bread.

HONEY:
Looks like it's just us.

So tell me about
this bread section.

It's over there
where the bread is.

**

Dinner is served, losers.

-Mmm, this is great.
-Ramen and cut-up hot dogs?

EVAN: No, thank you.

I'm not gonna taint my palate.

Tomato season's coming.

Hang on,
I'm not even done yet.

No cool ranch for --

Hmm, oh, well.

(French accent)
Bon appétit, losers.

(normal voice)
That's French for "losers."

I'm gonna go hang out
with my friends.

Wait, what about
the mess you made?

This is a one-pan meal
at most.

I had a few misfires.

Well, you have
to clean it up.

Me?
Why are you always on me?

Evan and Emery just got
a free, delicious meal.

Ha. (scoffs)

Make them clean it up.

I'm supposed to go
hang with my friends.

Sorry, Eddie,
it's a school night.

You will see
your friends tomorrow.

Besides, I need
to drive Meatball home.

She rolled her ankle.

**

(indistinct conversations)

Hey, hey!

You ready for
some breakfast chili?

Where's Marvin?

He knows they start
the burners at 8:00 A.M. sharp.

Air Force One.

Marvin has
a hard travel rule

that if Air Force One
is on TV at a hotel,

he has to watch it.

But this is our trip.

We're supposed to spend the day
slinging beans,

fighting heartburn,
fanning our tongues!

Oh, I-I'm sure
he'll be down in a bit.

In the meantime,

there is a German ladle
manufacturer here.

The seminar is called
"Ladle-weiss."

You know, like from
The Sound of Music?

Yeah, sorry,
it's hard for me

to enjoy a chili pun
without Marvin.

Oh, don't take it
personally.

He just needs a break.

He said he's
all chili-ed out.

"Chili-ed out"?!
(scoffs)

Once, I saw him get
a bloody nose,

but it was actually
chili coming out.

Well, he'll get
a second wind.

Come on, we can still
make the seminar.

Better ladle
than never.

You know what,
save me a seat.

I'm gonna run
to the restroom.

Oof.
Chili Con bathroom?

Brave.
(chuckles)

**

MARVIN:
Oh, come on, Clinton!

Give us a wave.

(chuckles)

(gasps) Marvin?

How could you?

It's not what it
looks like, Lou.

No amount of sour cream

could wash out
the taste of betrayal!

But --

Lou!

**

JESSICA: Hey!

Where do you think
you're going?

To the concert
with my friends.

I got permission
weeks ago.

That was before
this happened.

Whoa, you've got puberty
all over your face.

It's not zits!
It's hives!

Apparently, he's allergic
to cool ranch chips.

Well, how was I supposed
to know that?

Well, now I need to take Emery
to the doctor,

which means you have to take
Evan to his fencing tournament,

pick up the grill,

and drop it off
at the PTA auction.

I can't.
I promised my friends --

This wouldn't have happened if
you had picked up the groceries

like you said you would.

**

My name
is Inigo Montoya,

you killed my father,
prepare to die.

**

-Mommy takes a different way.
-Well, I'm not Mommy.

WALTER: Can we get a little
AC back here?

Yeah, my makeup's
starting to bleed.

I wouldn't mind some hype music
to get me in the zone.

No radio.
It wastes the gas.

And you'll get plenty of music
once I get Evan to his match,

drop the grill off
at school,

and get us
to the ICP concert.

Can someone explain to me
what "ICP" is?

Hey, Eddie,
can we pull over?

My bladder's singin'.

Mine, too.
I need to rain sunshine.

Savages.

This George Foreman grill
is jabbing my sides.

Like boxer, like grill.

Still not feeling any airflow!

If you don't knock it off,

I swear I will turn
this car around!

**

Aw, hell no.

Walter, give me some
of that clown makeup.

We're going straight
to the ICP concert.

(boys chanting "ICP!")

Don't do it, Evan.

Don't stress-sweat
into your whites.

(crowd cheering, shouting)

(glass shatters)

(crowd shouting)

(music plays in distance)

EVAN: Technically, this could be
considered kidnapping.

EDDIE:
First, kids can't kidnap.

Second, this is Florida.

And third, I promised
the crew I was taking them to this concert

long before
I was saddled with you.

That guy's throwing punches
with a needle in his arm.

Seven clowns just came out
of that one porta-potty.

Is that a pierced --

Yes, yes it is.

Someone's gonna die tonight!
Yeah!

(crowd shouting)

Evan, stay close to me.

**

Evan?

Evan?!

Evan!!

Okay.

Stay right here.

People will donate more
when they see how sick you look.

But I feel fine.

(quietly)
Don't tell people that.

The auctioneer is here,
and he's warming up.

Mommy made me
mash my M&M's.

Unique New York,
unique New York.

Each leech must
reach the beach.

Red leather, yellow leather,
red leather, yellow leather.

Where do they
find these people?

That's my husband.

I'm sorry.

My boy is so sick.

Oh. Well, I don't mean
to upset you more,

but the George Foreman grill
isn't here.

What?!

Damn it, Eddie!

That was
our big-ticket item!

Don't worry.

My jewelry box
is in the trunk,

and I've got
a green bean necklace

that's a real
pocketbook-opener.

Ooh!

**

Wow, Chili Con and Paisley Fest
on the same weekend?

You guys must be
raking it in.

Hey, Lou.

I've been looking
all over for you.

Why? So you can run off
and eat chili alone again?

-I can explain.
-No need.

I knew you weren't
all "chili-ed out."

Why have you
been avoiding me?

It's not you, Lou.
It's me.

I just found out I have
a medical condition,

and I was too embarrassed
to tell you.

I have the E.D.

-E.D.?
-E.D.!

That's why Honey joined
our boys' trip.

You guys are working through
your erectile dysfunction

and wanted to try
and spice it up.

Erectile dysfunction?

No!

If anything,
I have the opposite problem.

(chuckles) No,
extreme diverticulitis.

E.D.

Ohh. (chuckles)

-MARVIN: (chuckles)
-Wait, what?

My intestines can't process
small beans and seeds.

But I just caught you
eating chili.

Yeah, Texas chili...
beanless.

-Ugh.
-Yeah.

It's a sad substitute
for real chili.

But why didn't you
tell me?

Well, you put so much
thought into this trip,

and with
the second baby coming,

who knows how much time
we'll have to hang out?

And Honey came along just so
she could run cover for me.

Still, I'm your best friend.

-I would've understood.
-MARVIN: Yeah, well...

the doc said my E.D.

is caused by
Szechuan peppercorns.

That's the fourth alarm
in my chili.

Yeah.

I caused your intestines
to fail?!

(stammering) That's not
the way to look at it, Lou.

The way I see it, it's a --
it's a badge of honor.

I've beaten every chili
in the world,

except yours.

I'm sorry I gave you E.D.,
buddy.

(both laugh)

But we'll find
something new.

-The world is our oyster.
-Yeah.

(gasps)

The Oyster Boysters!

-(laughs)
-Huh?

We'll keep thinking.

(both laugh)

Paisley Fest!

Flash-n-dash
works every time.

(indistinct shouting,
glass breaking in distance) -EDDIE: Evan!

Evan!

Evan. (stammers)

Excuse me, have you
seen a small kid

wearing all white,
holding a sword?

There's a kid who pointed out
a spelling error

-on my concert tee.
-That's him!

Yo.

Do you know where
the nearest bus stop is?

Dude! You cannot
walk away like that.

You scared me to death.
We're going back to the van.

I'm not going
anywhere with you.

Look around.

We're in hell.

You're my responsibility,
Bro.

Doesn't seem like it.

Seems like you only care
about what you want.

Oh, really? I've been driving
you around the past two days.

I even made you dinner!

Never even heard a thank you.

Do you hear yourself?

Mom drives you around
every day.

She does everything
for you.

She took you to get
your driver's license

and you didn't
say squat.

Don't worry,
I never thanked my mom,

and I turned out fine.

Come on.

I need to find the guys

so I can tell them

I'm taking you to
your fencing tournament.

We don't need
to look that hard.

(indistinct shouting,
glass breaking)

I don't need
to pee anymore.

**

I can't believe it.

Thanks to Eddie, we're stuck
with this hot garbage.

And now for the big-ticket item
of the night --

handcrafted
vegetable jewelry,

which has taken over
my home office.

Our model, Jamie, is sporting
a pair of baby-corn earrings

to match her cherry tomato
watchband.

Do I hear
an opening bid?

Let's start
the bidding at $10.

$10, bidder looking.
$20, $10. Bidder looking, $20.

Come on, folks.
Open up your wallets.

This is for the kids.

I need an opening bid
at $5, $6, $7, $8, $9, $10.

$5, bidder, bidder,
looking for $10.

$5. Kids need
a new computer lab.

-We're losing money here.
-AUCTIONEER: Just $5, folks.

(stamps foot, sighs)

-How about $4.75, $4.50?
-Okay, can it, Meatballs.

(feedback whines)

Sorry, folks,

that was just a glimpse

into the last five weeks
of my life

planning this night,

but now for the real big-ticket
item of the evening --

a date with me!

You and I will enjoy dinner

at a five-star restaurant
of my choosing

for no more than an hour.

We won't talk sports, religion,
politics, or pop culture.

I will be reading a book.

Of my own choosing.
That I wrote.

Okay, let's start the bidding
at $100,000.

(imitating auctioneering)

This is for the kids, folks.

And I'm gonna talk fast...

(imitating auctioneering)

(door opens)

JESSICA:
(imitating auctioneering)

There you are!

Okay, Meatballs,
you're back in.

Where have you been?

I went to the concert
with my friends.

-What?!
-EDDIE: And then I came back here.

I know I've been complaining
about everything

you've made me do
the past two days,

and then I realized
you've been doing this for me

my whole life.

That's what being a mom is.

Yeah, I didn't realize that

until I drove a mile
in your shoes.

So, thank you.

I didn't mean
to heap all that on you,

but I want you to understand
what responsibility really is.

I'm sorry
I made it so difficult.

You're not any more difficult
than Evan or Emery.

I know that you think
I'm harder on you than them,

but that's just 'cause
you're the first.

Anytime you're figuring out
something new,

so are we.

So I'm a trailblazer!

Your father and I
call you a guinea pig.

Fair.

In the future,
I'll try to make it easier.

Mm. I can't promise
that I will.

-AUCTIONEER: Thank you so much.
-Were you auctioning yourself?

(sighs) Yes.

I'm sorry you had
to witness those jackals

fighting over your mother,

but let's see how much
these horn-dogs pay for a grill.

AUCTIONEER: This is an XL grill.
Let's see XL prices.

$150, bidder, bidder.
Looking at $150 right here.

$175. Good! $200, there. $200,
$225, bidder looking, $250.

**

(indistinct talking
through speaker)

EDDIE: Can I get
two large sodas?

Diet for me.

Trying to watch
my fencing figure.

Do we think it's safe
to eat fish here?

They better not be
out of curly fries.

Pigtails.

Make sure they put
plenty of catsup in the bag!

What are you,
the Queen of England?!

It's ketchup.

Guys, just give me your order!
We don't have all night!

Can I get a cheeseburger?
Cheese on the side.

Anyone wanna go halfsies
on the soft serve?

I only like the cone.

Oh, I should
get my mom fries.

WALTER: Ask if they have
any old burger buns.

-Seagull bait!
-Don't get too attached to your order.

This place
will blow it.

TRENT:
Last time I came here...

I don't know how you do it.

I yell a lot.

-- Captions by VITA --

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