All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine Nine s06e03 The Tattler.eng

.

[soft chime]

- Attention, squad.

Put your hands together

for the long-anticipated
reunion of...

- The DDC!

- DD...
- C!

- DD...
- C!

- Put a J with a G...

- You get DD...

both: C!

- Uh, the gas face.

- What the hell
is the DDC?

- I don't know, but I love it!

- The DDC is the Dope...

- Denim...
- Crew.

Our 20-year high school reunion

is tonight, and the party
is '90s-themed,

so we're dressing the way
we did back then,

AKA hella fresh.

- Can't wait to see everyone
we graduated with

and lie to them
about what I've been up to

for my own amusement.

It's gonna be Fib City,
population: Gina Clooney.

- But Jake, how can
you be excited

to return to your high school,

the scene of... Tattlegate?

- What's Tattlegate?
Why haven't I heard

anything about it?
- It was junior year

and Jake was riding high--

- Charles, no one wants
to hear this story...

from you.

It was junior year,

and Jake was riding high.

Sophomore year was rough,
but now I was back

with a hot new look:
an earring and long hair.

- Which was my look,
and he just copied it.

- And it worked!
I was finally cool,

and becoming friends
with the most popular kid

in school: Brandon Bliss.

- Dope name; sounds hot.
- He was hot, Rosa.

- For the record,
he could barely read.

- He didn't have to read, Gina.

He lost his virginity
when he was 12 years old.

- Which is horrifying.

- But it wasn't back then!

Back then, it was...
everything.

He asked me to ditch class
one day with him

and his buddies,
steal a school van,

and go get drunk
at his parents' cabin,

but the day before
we were supposed to go,

someone ratted Brandon out,
and he got suspended!

He thought I was the one
who told,

and from that day forward,

everyone called me
"The Tattler."

- Tattler.
It's a sexy nickname.

- It was not a sexy nickname!

It was a scarlet letter,

and it ruined my senior year,

but luckily,
I'm over all that now.

- Not me.
I'm gonna go

to this reunion tonight

and kick Brandon Bliss
in the butthole.

- Horrifying, but that won't
be necessary, Charles,

for my awesome life will do
the butthole-kicking this eve.

I've got a sweet job,
and a super-smart,

incredible wife.
Tonight's gonna be awesome.

Right, Gina?
- Damn straight!

- DD...
- C!

- DD...
- C!

- DD...
- C!

[upbeat music]

♪

[light dance music playing]

- Wow, this place
hasn't changed

one bit
in 20 years.

It's a real indictment
of the public school system.

- Jake!
Tina!

- No way!
Mikey J!

Amy, this is Mike Joseph,

AKA the lead funk bassist
from my legendary ska band,

Skalvester Skallone.
We had one song.

♪ Oh

all: ♪ Stop or my mom
will ska ♪

♪ Stop or my mom will ska

- Whoa!
- Hey, man.

We were so bad.
I can't believe

we thought
we were gonna make it.

So what have you been up to,
man?

- Well, I'm still trying to
get the music thing started.

- Oh, cool, cool, cool.
Never give up.

- Anyway, how are you, Gina?
What have you been up to?

- Nothing crazy.
Yeah, just writing

those "Thor" movies.
- Seriously?

Oh, my God.
Tell me everything.

- Legally, I can't get into it
too much,

but just know that the next one

will have a lot more
full frontal.

- Well, if you need some ska
for your soundtrack...

- Oh!

This is them.
This is Marvel.

They probably want to talk

about "Thor 4: More Thor."
I gotta take this.

Okay?
- All right.

So how you doing, Jake?

I know the end of high school
was a little... rough.

- Oh, uh...

- Jake's killing it now.
He's a detective.

- Irie, mon!
Irie, irie!

Very nice.

God, you must have
some crazy stories.

- Oh, I don't know.
I mean,

is successfully negotiating

a high-tension
hostage situation

in a bank crazy?

- Yes!

- Oh, well, then, I guess
I do have

some crazy stories, mon!

[laughter]

- Gosh, it's so cool

how we all still dress
the same.

♪

- Is it so much to ask?
You know what I'm saying?

- Why is everyone
gathered around the radio?

Ooh, are they testing

the emergency
broadcasting system?

- What?
No.

We're listening to a contest.

- This is 93.7,

The Jamhouse, with...

all: JC and the Horndog!

[woman moaning on radio]

- [derisively] FM radio...

- Yeah, the hosts
are beyond disgusting,

but they do a fun game
where they play a mystery sound

and callers guess what it is
for a cash prize.

- Shh, they're about to play
the new sound!

[crinkling]

- It's a crinkle.
I solved it.

- Yes, but you have to know
what object

is making the crinkle.

- But that's impossible.
It could be anything.

- Yes, sir.
That's the game.

- It's a bag of potato chips.

- Don't be an idiot!

It's a bag of corn chips.

- Well, this is
a total waste of time.

- Sure, but you can still
have fun,

even if you're wasting time.
- That's absurd.

Productivity is what
makes things fun.

That's why humans go to work.

- It is?

- Hey.
So you know

how Alicia and I broke up
because she moved to London,

then we tried to make it work,

but the distance was too much
and we broke up again?

- No.
The last thing you told me

about yourself was that
you were bi.

- Well, a lot has happened
since then.

Anyway, I'm dating
two other people.

- So much juice at one time.

I'm drowning.

- Oh, gross.
Charles, this is why

I don't tell you anything.

- I take it back.
- Okay.

Well, it's early stages,
but they both tagged me

in a bunch of photos online,

and they found out
about each other.

- Yikes.
- Yeah, I know.

I shouldn't 'gram so much,
but my brunch friends say

it's the only way to promote
my handmade jewelry line.

- Brunch? What?

Homemade--who--
- Charles, focus.

Anyway, they're both annoyed,

and now I have to
choose one of them,

and I cannot make up my mind.

It's insane.
I never have trouble

making decisions.

- Ugh.
Choose the daughter.

I always know exactly
what to do,

but for the first time
in my life, I am stumped.

- Rosa, you've come
to the right man.

Boyles are genetically
indecisive beings.

- So I chose the worst
possible person to help me?

- No.
We've developed

a foolproof system to help us
make choices.

It used to take me so long
to decide what to wear

that I'd never change
my clothes.

Now look what I have on.

- Is this different than what
you were wearing yesterday?

- Barely.

- Wow, your life
sounds amazing.

I'm really happy
it worked out for you,

you know, especially with
the whole Tattler thing.

- [forced laughter] What?
The Tattler? Wow.

I haven't heard that
in a long time.

Who even was the Tattler?

- You.
That's why I'm bringing it up.

- Oh, right, I remember now

that I was misidentified
as the Tattler.

That's so funny.
But I wasn't the Tattler,

so I'm pretty sure
you got this wrong.

- No, no, no, I think
I go--hey, Eric.

Didn't people call Jake
the Tattler?

- Oh, yeah!

- [laughs]

Oh, good, more people
are getting involved.

- After my initial design,
they said it couldn't be done.

They said it was too tall,
too flashy--

building codes, bureaucracy.

Cut to the Freedom Tower
as you see it today.

- Wow.

- Thank you.
Yeah, I agree.

- Look, nobody cares
about that stuff.

We're all adults now.

You're a cop.
I work at a coffin factory.

I'm not sitting around,
thinking about how you tattled.

- Yes, we all have jobs
and work on coffins.

I didn't tattle, but whatevs.
We don't have to keep

talking about it.

all, successively: Great.

- But you were the Tattler,
right?

- Brandon Bliss was my friend!

Why would I tattle
on my friend?

The nickname was inaccurate,
is all I'm saying.

Anyways, as you can tell,

I am totally over it.

- Ah, man, it's the Tattler.

- I didn't tattle!

[general silence]

So...

I think I might not
be over it.

.

- Ugh, this is so unfair.

Everyone remembers me
as the Tattler,

but somehow, no one remembers

that Darren "Doo Doo" Donaldson

crapped himself during PE.

Look at him out there,

dancing on the dance floor

like he's lived
a doo doo-free life.

- Jake, this isn't so bad.

History is full
of great tattlers.

Martin Luther King
tattled on racists.

- That's a pretty
undercutting way

of describing
his accomplishments.

- I was trying to help.
It felt bad.

- It's not even the nickname
that bothers me.

It's that I'm being
wrongfully accused.

I didn't tattle.
I mean, if it was the truth,

go ahead and call me
the Tattler all day long.

- Hey, Tattler.
- Not cool, Jason!

Let's just go home.

- No!
We're not going anywhere.

You were wrongfully accused.
We're cops.

Let's just find
the real Tattler

and prove your innocence.

- Yes!
I love it!

Why learn to grow

when you can fix the past?

This is exactly why
I don't need therapy.

- Not sure that's the lesson

I want you to take away
from this.

- Too late!
We're gonna prove

I wasn't the Tattler.
Therapy is a scam.

Let's do this.

[upbeat music]

- No.

The sound was more of a "khh."

- Ooh, how goes
the crinkle hunt?

I see you're not just
wasting time.

You're also wasting tin.

- It was only one piece.

Okay, it was a ton of tin.

- Pretty sure it's a guy
eating a sandwich.

I'll prove it to you.

- I'm not buying you
any more sandwiches, Scully.

- I'm doing this for us!

- Guys, we can't fight.

That's what the Horndog wants.

- We're getting close.
We just need

to keep testing more things.

- Oh, that's a good idea.

Have you tried
a piece of paper?

Is that your crinkle?

Ooh, maybe--oh.

Maybe it's these bags
of coffee beans.

- All right, sir.
I think you've made your point.

- My point?
Oh, I'm just trying to have fun

by wasting time.

Oh, maybe it's this
crinkly-crunkly yogurt.

[low crinkling sound]

- Terry heard a crinkle.

- Holt heard a crinkle, too.

- So suddenly, it's not a waste
of time?

- Not a waste of time
if we win!

What are you waiting for,
Jeffords?

Call the Horndog!

- So then I said
to Steve,

"What if we drop the
'-lications,'

just call them 'apps'?"

- That's incredible.

Do you miss him?
- Oh, every day, Laura.

Every day.
- You should talk

to Quentin Chase.
He's a big-time

Silicon Valley investor now,

and he was just telling me
all about it.

Quentin, come here.

You have got to talk to Gina.

She basically invented apps.

They were going
to be called "lications."

- You really bungled that.

- What you been working on?

- Currently,
I have been working

on an app called Toddler.

It's like Tinder,
but for toddlers.

Tinder for toddlers.

- I like it.
How are you gonna spell that?

How many D's?

- Five.
- [sharply inhales]

- All right, we should start
by talking to Brandon Bliss

and find out who told him
you were the Tattler.

- Unfortunately, Bliss
is not here.

Probably in the VIP section
at a Fatboy Slim concert.

- Would that be cool
for a 37-year-old?

- The funk soul brother
is timeless, Ames.

All right, I don't know
who told Brandon,

but I heard it was someone
on the football team.

- Okay, well, we need
more information than that,

so take me back to the day.
Spare no details.

- Okay, I saw Brandon

after second period,
and everything seemed tight.

- ♪ Hey now,
you're an all-star ♪

♪ Get your game on
go play ♪

- But then, when I saw him
after third period...

something had clearly changed.

- ♪ Get paid

[slowing] ♪ All that glitters
is gold ♪

- After that, there was

little color left in the world
for young Jake.

My earring, less gold,
my JNCO jeans less purple.

- Are you sure
you were becoming cool?

- Yeah.
Why?

- I know how to solve this.

We just have to find out
which football player

had third period
with Brandon Bliss.

We need his class schedule.

- Yeah, but where
are we gonna find that?

- In the coolest room
in the school.

[upbeat music]

- Good lord!

You coulda just picked
the lock.

- I know.
I'm sorry.

I'm just so amped up
about Admin.

- Okay, this is the Boyle
decision-making manual.

One of these sections
will help you

with choosing your partner.

Here we go.
What do you prefer,

eyes or butt,
brains or body?

- Brains.
- Uh...

Sorry, no, that's
for deciding lunch.

- Horrifying.
- Oh, I found

the romance section.

Now, first, I will need
the names

of the two people
you're choosing between.

- I will not be telling you
any information about them.

- No problem.
We can work with that.

I will just call them
by their initials.

- No.
- I will call them

"Couscous" and "Quinoa."
- Whatever.

- Okay, now, for this
to work right, you need

to answer these questions
without thinking.

Who makes you laugh more?
- Quinoa.

- Who has softer lips?
- Couscous.

- A new Cirque du Soleil's
in town.

You have the two best seats
in the house.

Who are you bringing?
- Is this a reward

or a punishment?
- You decide.

- Quinoa.
- Great. Next question:

You die and become a ghost.

The rules of the afterlife

are that of the movie "Casper."

Whose house
would you rather haunt?

- How many more
of these questions are there?

- 309.
- [exasperated sigh]

- Okay, I've got something.
- Oh.

That's not Brandon's profile.
It's mine.

- I just want a quick peek
at your attendance record.

Zero absences.

Oh, mama...

Printing this for later.

- Keep it in your pants,
Santiago.

- Oh, that's exactly
where it's going.

[printer whirring]

Okay, here's Brandon's info.

Third period, first semester...

Any of these people
on the football team?

Scott Alford, Taylor Black--
wow, Tom Brady?

- Different Tom Brady.
He was in theater.

Although he was the MVP

of that year's production
of "Fiddler."

- Hm.
- Wait a minute.

Danny Matthews.
That's the guy.

He was on the football team.

That's the bastard
who set me up.

- Yeah, and look at this.

You did so much
community service.

Me like-y.

.

- Guys, you know how I thought
it would be so much fun

to lie to everyone tonight?

- Yeah. Did it finally
catch up with you?

- No, the opposite.
Someone wants to buy

a company I made up
on the spot.

The elevator pitch
had him drooling.

As a mother,
I'm always struggling

to find quality playdates.

Most two-year-olds
are boring, lame duds.

- All of my daughter's friends
suck.

- Well, with Todddddler's
proprietary algorithm,

you will be matched
with top tots,

and those boring duds--

they'll stay where they belong:

the hell away
from you and your family.

I'm not really sure
how to close this.

Maybe you guys could pretend
to be heirs

to a canned-goods fortune
who want to buy my company!

- Gina, we don't have time
for your thing right now.

- Oh, smart.
Big-time him.

That's the perfect idea.

I won't forget you
when I'm rich.

Thanks so much,
Jake and Jake's wife.

- She knows your name.
Oh, look!

It's Danny Matthews!
But he'll never talk

with all these people around.

- Not a problem.
Just be in the science lab

in ten minutes.
I'll get him alone.

- What are you gonna do?

- Let's just say I'm not above

using my feminine wiles.

[harshly] Danny Matthews,
I'm with the school.

You need to follow me
right now.

- Is everything--
- I said now, mister.

- I'm one caller away.

I can't believe
we figured it out.

- And I can't believe
it took you this long.

Yogurt is literally
your one thing.

- Okay, okay.
- Well, I'm just saying.

If the sound were
eating damp rice,

I would've gotten it
immediately.

- Guys, they're taking
another guess.

- All right,
Brenda from Yonkers.

It's time for you
to name that sound.

- Hi.
Quick shout-out

to the nurses
at United Pediatric.

This money'll do those kids
a lot of good.

- Cry me a river.
Brenda from Yonkers.

We've all had budget cuts.
Just take your guess.

- Is it Styrofoam?

- Wrong!
[buzzer sounds]

- Oh, I can't believe
she guessed Styrofoam.

What a dumb nurse.

- Next caller, you're on
with the Horndog.

- It's me!

The sound is a yogurt

being opened.

- That is...
[drumroll]

Wrong!
[buzzer sounds]

- What?
No!

- You b-b-b-blew it!

- Damn you, Horndog.

- Okay, I have tabulated
your responses,

and the results
are definitive.

- Amazing.
- It's a dead tie.

- This is dumb.
I'm just gonna end it

with both of them.
- Rosa, stop.

There is one more method.

Ancient Boyles believed

that suspending yourself
by your feet forces your blood

to the decision center
of your brain.

We call this method
the "Upside-Down Coward."

- You want me to hang
from the ceiling like a bat?

- The bat is nature's
most decisive animal.

- The creature
that flails around frantically?

- Those are all
micro-decisions.

Now, let's get you strapped up.

[jazz music]

How do you feel?

- Nauseous.

- Good.
It's working.

- Q?
- Yeah.

- Get off the phone.

Now, I'm not sure

how serious you were
about funding,

but I should tell you
there's 103 other bidders.

- Oof, I am not a fan
of getting into bidding wars.

- Then don't make an offer,
'cause I want babies on my app,

but not in my boardroom.

Oh, damn, Gina.

- Did you just
"oh, damn" yourself?

- Someone had to.

- Okay.

Let's talk numbers.

- Mr. Peralta, I believe
you know Danny Matthews.

- Jake.
Hey, what's going on, man?

- The answer to that question

goes back to a brisk day
in 1997,

a day you told a lie.

But the lying stops right now!

- [gasps]
Oh, no!

You broke some poor kid's
science project!

We have to fix it.

- Kind of in the middle
of something.

- Oh, you know what?
Krebs cycle.

I got this.

- Great.
So, Danny,

true or false?

You were on the football team.

- True?
- And true or false:

you had third period
with Brandon Bliss.

- Mm, I honestly
don't remember--

- It was true!
We checked the records,

and I have one more question.

- Ooh, Jake, can you get me
that oxygen on the floor?

Little red guy.
- What?

- Sorry.
You know what?

Yeah, I'll get it.

- Why did you tell
Brandon Bliss

that I was the Tattler?

- Because you were.
I saw you talking to principal.

I remember it, clear as day.

- Look, you couldn't
have seen me,

because I wasn't there.
I didn't tattle.

- Man, it was you, okay?

You had your long hair
and your little earring,

and the denim jacket you are
literally wearing right now.

- Oh, no.

It wasn't me,

but it was the DDC.

[laughter]
Gina.

- Jake, guess who just sold
her app idea.

- Don't trust her.

Everything she's told you
is a lie.

She made up the company
and everything else.

She's a liar.

- Jake, whatever strategy
this is

is not necessary.
I already closed the deal.

- I know you were the Tattler.

♪

.

- Amy, I'm ready to go.

- Yep, totally.

I'm almost done
with this project,

but I don't need
to finish it,

because what matters

is that you are going
through something,

and as your wife,
and love of your life--

- Are you vamping
so you can finish that?

- I only have
two molecules left.

Come on, man.
- Jake, we need to talk.

- Yeah, you guys
do need to talk.

That sounds excellent.
Friendship, so much history...

I'm just gonna get this
out of your way.

- Oh, man.

What the hell, Gina?

You ruined
my entire senior year.

How could you do that to me?

- Jake, I was only
trying to help.

You were hanging out
with those guys

and getting close,
and they weren't good people.

Do you know why Brandon
wasn't at the reunion tonight?

- I don't know.
Probably 'cause he was shooting

a beer commercial
where the whole plot

was that everyone wanted
to sleep with him.

- No, 'cause he's on parole.

He's not allowed to leave
the state of Delaware.

- Oh, okay, so that's
obviously a bummer,

but I wasn't gonna end up
like him.

- You were starting to.
You wanted

to steal a van with him,

and I told you not to,

and you weren't listening
to me.

I mean, what would've happened
if you got caught?

- I don't know.

- You would never
have become a cop.

Yeah, I'm the reason
you're a cop.

I'm your origin story, dude.

You can't be mad at me.

- I feel like
I'm still pretty mad.

- Peter Parker wasn't mad
at his spider.

- Yeah, but they weren't
best friends before the bite,

and it still doesn't explain
how you let everyone think

I was the Tattler for 20 years.

- Well, I didn't want
to lose our friendship.

I was being weak.

I'm sorry.

- [sighs] Okay.

- And if it makes you
feel any better,

that app thing
completely blew up in my face.

I mean, my night sucked.

Okay, I can see
from your expression

that your night was worse,

and I should've left it
at "sorry."

- So did you hear?

Someone guessed the sound.

It was a bag of chips.

- Wow.
So the lesson here

is to listen to Hitchcock
and Scully more?

- No, that can't be possible.
- Yeah, I don't think

we earned that today.
- Agreed.

- Sorry for dragging you
into that dumb game.

You were right.
It was a waste of time.

- No, it wasn't.

Even though it was pointless,
I did enjoy myself.

I can't wait
to go home and tell Kevin

you can have fun
without being productive.

- Hey, guys, they're about
to play the new mystery sound.

- I can tell Kevin tomorrow.

- I'll bet Sharon's
already asleep.

- And I've got no one
in my life.

- Scully, play that damn noise.

- Quentin, can I talk to you
for a minute?

- Are you here to give me
a long speech

about how you still deserve
my money?

- No.

I am.

- Very cool entrance.

- Thank you.
Listen.

Gina Linetti is not
a perfect person.

- Mm, I'm hoping this gets
more supportive

as it goes along.

- But what she lacks
in perfection,

she makes up for

with an utter and total belief
that she is perfect.

- Ooh, you said "but,"
and then you said

something worse.
- She is fiercely loyal.

She will do
the right thing for you

even when you can't see it
for yourself,

and she's saved my ass
countless times.

- And it's been 12.
I counted.

- She came up with an idea
on the spot

that you were interested in.

Imagine what she could do
with time and resources.

Do the world a favor.

Invest in Gina Linetti.

[light bass guitar music]

- Hard pass.

both: What?
- But my great speech.

- Yeah, the speech was great,

but I've also been lying
the whole night.

I'm not a tech mogul.

I came here
to mess with people.

- How dare you?
- Speaking of which,

did either one of you drive?
'Cause I could use a ride.

- No, Quentin.
- Oh, Quentin.

[tranquil music]

- Okay.

Now open your eyes,

and the person you are meant
to be with

should appear before you.

[both scream]

- Sorry.
I was just watching.

- Get out of here, Hitchcock!

Ugh.

- This isn't working.

I'm no closer
to making a decision.

I'm jumping down.

- Well, you can't
just jump down.

My goodness!
- It's over.

I'm gonna put 'em both
in a group text

and say "peace out."
- Uh, no!

There's still more options.

We haven't even
done roleplay yet.

- What?
[cell phone chimes]

Ugh.

I took too long
getting back to Quinoa

and they got mad
and ended it.

- And that's how it's done.

- What are you talking about?
- The process worked.

Boyles don't make decisions.

We delay our decisions

until the universe
makes them for us.

That way, we never make
a wrong choice.

- That is very sad,
but also, I guess it worked.

- Mm-hmm.
- I do feel pretty good.

Couscous is dope.
She's funny.

- Couscous is a she!
I knew it!

- Did you?
- No, and I still don't know.

There's equal chance
you called them "she"

to throw me off.

- You get me, Boyle.

- So I think I figured out
an awesome and dramatic way

to reveal that I
was the Tattler.

It'll be a dance.
There'll be costumes.

- Gina, it's fine.
I don't care anymore.

It's all in the past.
- Oh, thank God.

That is such a relief,

'cause I didn't want people
thinking I was a tattler.

[sighs]
Where's Amy?

- She is in the library,
writing

a book report
on "Jane Eyre,"

and she told me
"not to wait up."

- Oy.
- Yeah.

[both laugh]

- Thanks for trying to help
with Quentin.

It's funny.
Even though it wasn't real,

it was so fun, imagining
running my own company.

- So why don't your pursue it?

- I can't raise my kid
and create an app

and work at the Nine-Nine.
It's too much.

- Well, then prepare for me
to murder your parents

right in front of your face.

- Rude.
- No.

It's Batman's origin story,

like the radioactive
spider thing you did with me.

- I don't read comic books.

- You helped me
become who I am,

so now I'm gonna
return the favor.

[warm music]

Gina...

I think your talents might
be wasted at the Nine-Nine.

I love you, but it might
be time for you to move on.

- Um, are you firing me?

- What? No.
I don't think

I could even do that.

- Good, because I quit.

You know, tonight I realized

that my talents

are being wasted
at the Nine-Nine.

- Okay, that's kind of exactly
what I just said.

- Jake, let me finish.
This is serious.

It's time for me to move on.

For real, though, it is.

- Really?

♪

Okay.
- [laughs]

- Proud of you.

- Thank you.

I'm proud of me, too.

- [laughs]

- Guys!

Vice principal caught me
in the library.

Let's roll!

- Not a doctor.
Shh.

- Fremulon.

[Universal fanfare]

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