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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:02,692 --> 00:00:16,856 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. 2 00:00:34,550 --> 00:00:35,629 Ahem. 3 00:00:35,712 --> 00:00:37,632 They're ready for you. 4 00:00:40,152 --> 00:00:42,052 Gwendolyn Harris. We've met. 5 00:00:42,052 --> 00:00:43,290 Bournemouth. 6 00:00:43,291 --> 00:00:45,011 But you don't know the others. 7 00:00:45,012 --> 00:00:47,130 No, but I'm familiar with you. 8 00:00:47,131 --> 00:00:49,650 Why do you want to be an MP? 9 00:00:49,651 --> 00:00:52,129 Because I'm not satisfied with the way things are, 10 00:00:52,130 --> 00:00:55,411 and rather than sit back and moan I'd prefer to do something about it. 11 00:00:56,451 --> 00:00:57,729 Go again from the top. 12 00:00:57,730 --> 00:01:01,249 I don't know why anyone's surprised the world's number one teen idol 13 00:01:01,250 --> 00:01:02,809 has become a Scientologist. 14 00:01:02,810 --> 00:01:04,369 Speed up the autocue, please. 15 00:01:04,370 --> 00:01:06,529 Pop stars do believe in weird things. 16 00:01:06,530 --> 00:01:09,929 'Abba believed in angels. R Kelly believed he could fly...' 17 00:01:09,930 --> 00:01:11,169 They said show you this. 18 00:01:11,170 --> 00:01:12,651 This happened just now? 19 00:01:12,652 --> 00:01:13,330 Mm-hmm. 20 00:01:13,331 --> 00:01:14,810 Gladwell? 21 00:01:14,811 --> 00:01:17,529 "Shamed Tory Jason Gladwell resigns," - capitals - 22 00:01:17,530 --> 00:01:19,449 "over Twitter porn pics scandal." 23 00:01:19,450 --> 00:01:20,969 Oh, so he wasn't hacked after all. 24 00:01:20,970 --> 00:01:23,249 "Originally claimed his account had been hacked, 25 00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:26,249 "resignation statement admits inappropriate correspondence 26 00:01:26,250 --> 00:01:27,449 "with a 15-year-old girl." 27 00:01:27,450 --> 00:01:30,449 So tweeting dick photos is correspondence now, is it? 28 00:01:30,450 --> 00:01:32,369 "Departure triggers a by-election 29 00:01:32,370 --> 00:01:34,809 "in his Stentonford and Hersham constituency." 30 00:01:34,810 --> 00:01:36,331 Well, you get to use the Gladwell stuff. 31 00:01:36,332 --> 00:01:37,370 Mm-hmm. 32 00:01:37,371 --> 00:01:39,611 Bump it all up to the top of the monologue. 33 00:01:39,612 --> 00:01:41,291 Anyone seen Jamie? 34 00:01:47,091 --> 00:01:48,170 Rach? 35 00:01:48,171 --> 00:01:50,449 'You really shouldn't be calling me any more. 36 00:01:50,450 --> 00:01:52,171 'You need to sort yourself out.' 37 00:01:52,172 --> 00:01:53,690 I am. 38 00:01:53,691 --> 00:01:56,171 'Focus on Waldo, that's going well for you.' 39 00:01:56,172 --> 00:01:57,450 But it is not... 40 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,330 'He's a hit, Jamie.' 41 00:01:59,331 --> 00:02:01,810 "He." Not me, "he". 42 00:02:01,811 --> 00:02:03,450 'Just do your show.' 43 00:02:03,451 --> 00:02:05,291 I will. I mean, hon, if you'd just... 44 00:02:06,531 --> 00:02:08,091 Jamie? 45 00:02:09,251 --> 00:02:10,851 Jamie, hurry up. 46 00:02:11,891 --> 00:02:14,371 What do you know about Stentonford and Hersham? 47 00:02:14,372 --> 00:02:16,090 Safe Tory seat. 48 00:02:16,091 --> 00:02:19,531 So, realistically, I know there's not much of a chance, but... 49 00:02:19,532 --> 00:02:22,370 So, it's a stepping stone for you? 50 00:02:22,371 --> 00:02:23,931 Yes. 51 00:02:25,371 --> 00:02:28,529 Obviously, I wouldn't say that outside of this room, 52 00:02:28,530 --> 00:02:30,609 but, well, you want me to be honest. 53 00:02:30,610 --> 00:02:32,329 There's no point in pretending. 54 00:02:32,330 --> 00:02:36,731 Is there anything in your past that might conceivably cause problems? 55 00:02:36,732 --> 00:02:38,131 No. 56 00:02:39,371 --> 00:02:40,971 Except... 57 00:02:42,091 --> 00:02:44,731 I did commit a series of murders in Huddersfield 58 00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:46,730 between 1999 and 2003. 59 00:02:46,731 --> 00:02:48,331 But apart from that... 60 00:02:52,171 --> 00:02:54,610 Well, thank you, Gwendolyn. 61 00:02:54,611 --> 00:02:56,531 If you could leave via that door. 62 00:02:56,532 --> 00:02:58,290 Oh, that door? 63 00:02:58,291 --> 00:03:00,331 We like to keep the candidates separate. 64 00:03:01,371 --> 00:03:02,891 Right, yes. 65 00:03:13,811 --> 00:03:17,091 Idiot. Idiot! 66 00:03:18,651 --> 00:03:22,171 Shamed super groomer and all-round pillock of the community 67 00:03:22,172 --> 00:03:25,290 Jason Gladwell has resigned as an MP, 68 00:03:25,291 --> 00:03:28,970 saying he could no longer maintain his position. 69 00:03:28,971 --> 00:03:31,251 That position, presumably, being hunched over 70 00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:33,450 wanking madly at school kids. 71 00:03:33,451 --> 00:03:34,971 'A pal of Gladwell said...' 72 00:03:34,972 --> 00:03:35,890 You ready? 73 00:03:35,891 --> 00:03:37,170 Uh-huh. 74 00:03:37,171 --> 00:03:39,290 How old the girl wasn't. 75 00:03:39,291 --> 00:03:40,929 That's the sort of feeble excuse 76 00:03:40,930 --> 00:03:43,649 'only a naive school kid would swallow - 77 00:03:43,650 --> 00:03:45,531 'which, presumably, was the idea. 78 00:03:46,811 --> 00:03:49,569 'Anyway, the bad news is he's resigned in disgrace.' 79 00:03:49,570 --> 00:03:52,811 The good news is he's now free to pursue a full-time career 80 00:03:52,812 --> 00:03:55,491 in the disgraced paedophile industry. 81 00:03:57,091 --> 00:03:59,651 Personally, I don't understand why anyone's surprised... 82 00:03:59,652 --> 00:04:01,930 Um, small change to the intro. 83 00:04:01,931 --> 00:04:03,010 What? 84 00:04:03,011 --> 00:04:06,089 - Nothing huge, Conor wanted the Jacko gag for the monologue, so... - That was my bit. 85 00:04:06,090 --> 00:04:08,809 - There is the Chancellor stuff, you could use that. - Bit politics. 86 00:04:08,810 --> 00:04:09,691 You can do politics. 87 00:04:09,692 --> 00:04:11,210 I do piss-taking. 88 00:04:11,211 --> 00:04:12,330 Go be Waldo. 89 00:04:12,331 --> 00:04:13,530 Yes, commander. 90 00:04:13,531 --> 00:04:15,449 'R Kelly believed he could fly, 91 00:04:15,450 --> 00:04:18,771 'and Michael Jackson believed that his doctor was qualified...' 92 00:04:18,772 --> 00:04:20,850 Big ball blue bear bollocks. 93 00:04:20,851 --> 00:04:22,649 And now it's time for our final visit 94 00:04:22,650 --> 00:04:25,089 to the world of educational children's programming 95 00:04:25,090 --> 00:04:26,689 courtesy of everyone's favourite, 96 00:04:26,690 --> 00:04:30,091 and only occasionally inappropriate cool kids' TV character, 97 00:04:30,092 --> 00:04:31,451 Waldo. 98 00:04:34,371 --> 00:04:36,970 Whose mum's in tonight, apparently. 99 00:04:36,971 --> 00:04:39,731 Waldo, who have you had in your cave this week? 100 00:04:39,732 --> 00:04:43,090 Well, Conor, in my big pink cave this week 101 00:04:43,091 --> 00:04:46,089 I had former Minister for Culture Liam Monroe. 102 00:04:46,090 --> 00:04:48,011 Oh, he's quite handsome, isn't he? 103 00:04:48,012 --> 00:04:50,290 I was hoping he'd nosh me off! 104 00:04:50,291 --> 00:04:52,091 Want to see how it panned out? 105 00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:53,730 I think we should. 106 00:04:53,731 --> 00:04:55,091 Run VT! 107 00:05:07,971 --> 00:05:09,410 Hey, everybody! 108 00:05:09,411 --> 00:05:11,370 It's Waldo time! 109 00:05:11,371 --> 00:05:12,850 Yeah! 110 00:05:12,851 --> 00:05:14,410 Cool! Cool! 111 00:05:14,411 --> 00:05:17,370 Waldo-rrific! 112 00:05:17,371 --> 00:05:18,770 Ha-ha-ha! 113 00:05:18,771 --> 00:05:22,250 Hey, kids, my guest this week is Mr Monroe. 114 00:05:22,251 --> 00:05:23,850 Hello, Mr Monroe. 115 00:05:23,851 --> 00:05:25,130 Hello, Waldo. 116 00:05:25,131 --> 00:05:28,291 Mr Monroe is a politician. 117 00:05:32,451 --> 00:05:34,930 So, what is a politician, Mr Monroe? 118 00:05:34,931 --> 00:05:36,849 Well, a politician is someone 119 00:05:36,850 --> 00:05:39,531 who tries to make the world a fairer place. 120 00:05:39,532 --> 00:05:41,090 Like Batman. 121 00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:43,050 Not exactly like Batman. 122 00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:44,890 Do you beat people up? 123 00:05:44,891 --> 00:05:46,329 No, I don't beat people up. 124 00:05:46,330 --> 00:05:47,851 Oh, you're a pussy then? 125 00:05:49,691 --> 00:05:51,651 Well, I'm not sure I know exactly what... 126 00:05:51,652 --> 00:05:54,211 You don't know what pussy is? 127 00:05:56,931 --> 00:05:59,491 OK, this is clearly some kind of joke. 128 00:05:59,492 --> 00:06:02,090 No joke, sorry, let's move on. 129 00:06:02,091 --> 00:06:03,371 Friends again? 130 00:06:13,131 --> 00:06:15,450 Oh, hello, mate, great show. 131 00:06:15,451 --> 00:06:16,609 Well done, really good. 132 00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:17,849 So, we'll bring him over. 133 00:06:17,850 --> 00:06:19,689 You go and get him, I'll explain about... 134 00:06:19,690 --> 00:06:21,291 'Now, he comes across...' 135 00:06:21,292 --> 00:06:22,810 Jamie! 136 00:06:22,811 --> 00:06:24,850 What you want, Miss Tamsin? 137 00:06:24,851 --> 00:06:27,009 Behind me, man in glasses talking to Jack Napier. 138 00:06:27,010 --> 00:06:29,089 - Jack freaks me out. - Yeah, ditto, 139 00:06:29,090 --> 00:06:32,410 but he owns the company and the man he's with is important and wants to talk to you. 140 00:06:33,371 --> 00:06:34,930 He's from the channel. 141 00:06:34,931 --> 00:06:36,490 Go on. 142 00:06:36,491 --> 00:06:38,649 - 'Honestly, all I'm saying...' - 'Is he shy?' 143 00:06:38,650 --> 00:06:40,889 'No, all I'm saying is he's a terrific guy...' 144 00:06:40,890 --> 00:06:42,131 Jim, Jamie, Jamie, Jim. 145 00:06:42,132 --> 00:06:43,250 How do you do? 146 00:06:43,251 --> 00:06:44,450 Jim, Jack, James. 147 00:06:44,451 --> 00:06:45,770 Jamie. 148 00:06:45,771 --> 00:06:48,210 Jim was just talking about Waldo. 149 00:06:48,211 --> 00:06:51,211 Yeah. Liam Monroe has lodged a complaint. 150 00:06:52,331 --> 00:06:53,690 Toys out the pram. 151 00:06:53,691 --> 00:06:55,050 And that's...? 152 00:06:55,051 --> 00:06:56,410 Good press. 153 00:06:56,411 --> 00:06:58,649 It's so tough to get a breakthrough these days, 154 00:06:58,650 --> 00:07:01,329 but when it does, well, it's just fantastic. 155 00:07:01,330 --> 00:07:03,769 It's fantastic the way Waldo puts the piss up Monroe. 156 00:07:03,770 --> 00:07:07,051 You know, all those twats, it's punk, it's... it's... 157 00:07:07,052 --> 00:07:08,410 'Jack?' 158 00:07:08,411 --> 00:07:09,771 Excuse me. 159 00:07:11,251 --> 00:07:14,531 Well, Twitter can't get enough of Waldo, loves him. 160 00:07:16,011 --> 00:07:19,051 Look, I know the show's coming back again next year, 161 00:07:19,052 --> 00:07:21,451 but we want to see more of Waldo. 162 00:07:23,531 --> 00:07:25,011 They want to do a pilot. 163 00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:25,970 A Waldo pilot? 164 00:07:25,971 --> 00:07:28,131 Yeah. I mean, how does that sound? 165 00:07:28,132 --> 00:07:30,290 Yeah. Sounds good. 166 00:07:30,291 --> 00:07:33,490 Sounds stormin' Norman, fucking stormin'. 167 00:07:33,491 --> 00:07:34,971 Going to give it to 'em. 168 00:07:54,851 --> 00:07:57,609 But look, we can't do sketches without Waldo. 169 00:07:57,610 --> 00:07:59,569 It's a Waldo pilot, it's a Waldo show, 170 00:07:59,570 --> 00:08:01,169 it's got to be Waldo, Waldo, Waldo. 171 00:08:01,170 --> 00:08:03,929 Realistically, there isn't the budget for other animations. 172 00:08:03,930 --> 00:08:06,129 I mean live action, other characters I can do. 173 00:08:06,130 --> 00:08:08,009 What about the Brown Knight? 174 00:08:08,010 --> 00:08:09,569 What, the crap crusader? 175 00:08:09,570 --> 00:08:11,409 We can look into the Brown Knight. 176 00:08:11,410 --> 00:08:14,131 But right now let's find more Waldo ideas. 177 00:08:15,731 --> 00:08:19,089 The problem is, any guests we book will be in on it. 178 00:08:19,090 --> 00:08:21,451 They know that Waldo's a joke, the surprise is gone. 179 00:08:21,452 --> 00:08:23,410 So, we think round that. 180 00:08:23,411 --> 00:08:25,891 Hey, boys and girls! It's Waldo time! 181 00:08:25,892 --> 00:08:28,051 Yeah! Ha-ha! 182 00:08:29,331 --> 00:08:31,130 He's awesome, isn't he? 183 00:08:31,131 --> 00:08:34,851 I mean, look - sod name in lights, you're an app now, my brother. 184 00:08:37,211 --> 00:08:40,129 All right, Sara? How's the think tanking going, good shit? 185 00:08:40,130 --> 00:08:42,131 Um, yeah, yeah, we're making headway. 186 00:08:42,132 --> 00:08:43,610 Good. 187 00:08:43,611 --> 00:08:45,929 I see our friend Monroe is in the news again, 188 00:08:45,930 --> 00:08:48,649 running in the Stentonford by-election. 189 00:08:48,650 --> 00:08:50,251 We should get Waldo down there. 190 00:08:51,049 --> 00:08:53,287 Hey, that's not a bad idea, actually. 191 00:08:53,288 --> 00:08:56,489 We get a van with a screen with the image of Waldo on the side. 192 00:08:56,490 --> 00:08:57,688 Like it. 193 00:08:57,689 --> 00:08:59,927 And then, when Monroe's doing a meet and greet, 194 00:08:59,928 --> 00:09:01,807 we just turn up and just get under his skin. 195 00:09:01,808 --> 00:09:03,047 I love that, I love it. 196 00:09:03,048 --> 00:09:03,887 We've done Monroe. 197 00:09:03,987 --> 00:09:05,266 But it was a great bit. 198 00:09:05,267 --> 00:09:07,786 I'm not dumb or clever enough to be political... 199 00:09:07,787 --> 00:09:11,146 Why don't we get Waldo to stand for the by-election? 200 00:09:11,147 --> 00:09:13,466 - Get people to vote for him? - He's not real. 201 00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:15,946 But people have stood as fictional characters before. 202 00:09:15,947 --> 00:09:18,266 Do you think Screaming Lord Sutch was his real name? 203 00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:20,546 We just put "commonly known as" on the ballot. 204 00:09:20,547 --> 00:09:22,846 No-one's actually going to vote for him, that's not the point. 205 00:09:22,940 --> 00:09:26,019 The point is, we get to hang around, we're there for the count. 206 00:09:26,020 --> 00:09:28,701 Well, go on then, Sara, whack it up there. 207 00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:47,783 'He's with a mum and baby group.' 208 00:09:47,784 --> 00:09:51,463 OK. Going live in five... four... three two... 209 00:09:51,464 --> 00:09:54,142 'Thank you so much for joining me this morning.' 210 00:09:54,143 --> 00:09:55,782 It's been incredibly informative 211 00:09:55,783 --> 00:09:58,984 and I think we should have a little round of applause for the children, 212 00:09:58,985 --> 00:10:00,943 who were fantastic. 213 00:10:00,944 --> 00:10:03,463 Thank you, Naomi. 214 00:10:03,464 --> 00:10:05,344 Thank you for your time. 215 00:10:08,304 --> 00:10:09,783 Hey! 216 00:10:09,784 --> 00:10:12,343 Hey, it's me Waldo. 217 00:10:12,344 --> 00:10:14,783 Oh. I like your trainers, man! 218 00:10:14,784 --> 00:10:17,302 I'd wear trainers myself but I can't cos I haven't got feet. 219 00:10:17,303 --> 00:10:18,344 I've got stumps. 220 00:10:19,824 --> 00:10:20,623 He's out. 221 00:10:20,624 --> 00:10:22,703 Hey, Mr Monroe! Mr Monroe. 222 00:10:22,704 --> 00:10:24,822 Hey! Did you get off with any of the mums? 223 00:10:24,823 --> 00:10:26,944 Where'd you look while they were breastfeeding? 224 00:10:26,945 --> 00:10:29,423 They got big milky tits, Mr Monroe! 225 00:10:29,424 --> 00:10:31,183 He said it! 226 00:10:31,184 --> 00:10:33,623 Mr Monroe, don't walk away from me! 227 00:10:33,624 --> 00:10:35,542 - I'm sorry about this, Liam. - Hey, I'm being snubbed! 228 00:10:35,543 --> 00:10:38,262 Hey, don't ignore me. Don't just get in your car. 229 00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,502 It's a death trap anyway, look at it! 230 00:10:40,503 --> 00:10:42,544 Let's find out what we can about the idiot inside that thing. 231 00:10:42,545 --> 00:10:43,544 Sure. 232 00:10:44,944 --> 00:10:46,544 Mr Monroe. Oi! 233 00:10:49,744 --> 00:10:51,943 'Stentonford Labour Party.' 234 00:10:51,944 --> 00:10:53,864 Right, you've got a choice of styles, 235 00:10:53,865 --> 00:10:59,183 so just choose one from there. Then you put your name in there. 236 00:10:59,184 --> 00:11:00,864 This is like bloody Moonpig. 237 00:11:02,184 --> 00:11:03,864 Don't knock the free mail out. 238 00:11:06,024 --> 00:11:08,904 Bet Liam Monroe doesn't use some Fisher-Price leaflet app. 239 00:11:08,905 --> 00:11:10,424 He doesn't have to. 240 00:11:16,304 --> 00:11:19,102 Day one of the campaign in Stentonford and Hersham, 241 00:11:19,103 --> 00:11:21,942 and Tory hopeful Liam Monroe hits the ground running. 242 00:11:21,943 --> 00:11:24,822 The license fee is something that's very close to my heart... 243 00:11:24,823 --> 00:11:27,224 'Mr Monroe, ey! Oh, oh, oh! Look at me Mr Monroe, please!' 244 00:11:27,225 --> 00:11:29,823 Hey, over here! Hey, over here... 245 00:11:29,824 --> 00:11:31,823 Look over here, Mr Monroe... 246 00:11:31,824 --> 00:11:33,622 The Conservative Party have been, er... 247 00:11:33,623 --> 00:11:37,222 Have been arguing for a reduction of the license fee for... 248 00:11:37,223 --> 00:11:39,182 - Good morning, everybody. - Pardon? 249 00:11:39,183 --> 00:11:40,624 Why you ignoring me, Mr Monroe? Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me? 250 00:11:40,625 --> 00:11:41,863 I beg your pardon. 251 00:11:41,864 --> 00:11:43,943 I'm sorry. It's rather loud. 252 00:11:43,944 --> 00:11:45,462 We have argued for a further reduction in the license fee... 253 00:11:45,463 --> 00:11:47,382 Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me? 254 00:11:47,383 --> 00:11:49,182 Mum with a pushchair - drag her into it. 255 00:11:49,183 --> 00:11:50,624 Hey, you. Mum with the pushchair. 256 00:11:50,625 --> 00:11:54,623 Yeah, you. Ask Mr Monroe why he's ignoring me. 257 00:11:54,624 --> 00:11:56,863 Why are you ignoring Waldo? 258 00:11:56,864 --> 00:12:00,263 'Mr Monroe, what's Waldo done to you?' 259 00:12:00,264 --> 00:12:03,824 We should probably just shift before this turns stupid. 260 00:12:05,104 --> 00:12:07,144 I'm not walking away from a cartoon. 261 00:12:08,984 --> 00:12:10,743 'I'm not ignoring you.' 262 00:12:10,744 --> 00:12:12,943 Yeah, you were, you upset me. 263 00:12:12,944 --> 00:12:15,063 You made Waldo sad. 264 00:12:15,064 --> 00:12:18,584 Wa-a-a-a-a-a-ah. 265 00:12:20,264 --> 00:12:23,944 Well, obviously, I'm absolutely devastated that you're upset... 266 00:12:23,945 --> 00:12:26,144 WA-A-A-A-A-A-A... 267 00:12:28,464 --> 00:12:31,304 Let him get a word in. 268 00:12:32,584 --> 00:12:36,063 I'm not ignoring you because there is no you. 269 00:12:36,064 --> 00:12:38,903 You are an image voiced by a comedian - 270 00:12:38,904 --> 00:12:40,782 an alleged comedian, more accurately. 271 00:12:40,783 --> 00:12:42,902 If I'm not real, why you talking to him? 272 00:12:42,903 --> 00:12:44,864 And by "him" I mean me, knobber! 273 00:12:47,224 --> 00:12:49,744 There's no point in attempting to converse with a cartoon. 274 00:12:49,745 --> 00:12:52,543 Ooh, "converse", Your Lordship! 275 00:12:52,544 --> 00:12:55,944 Thy flowery language doth give me a right throbbing bone-on! 276 00:12:55,945 --> 00:12:57,704 Uh-ha-ha-ha-huh! 277 00:12:59,224 --> 00:13:01,103 Uh-er-ha-ha! 278 00:13:01,104 --> 00:13:03,223 Ha-ha-ha-ha-uh-uh-uh! 279 00:13:03,224 --> 00:13:06,783 Uh-uh-uh-oh! Huh! 280 00:13:06,784 --> 00:13:08,184 Finished. 281 00:13:15,504 --> 00:13:17,303 Drink? 282 00:13:17,304 --> 00:13:18,904 I've got e-mails. 283 00:13:25,424 --> 00:13:28,503 You know that's Gwendolyn Harris? 284 00:13:28,504 --> 00:13:29,784 The Labour candidate. 285 00:13:31,624 --> 00:13:33,384 Did you read my background doc? 286 00:13:33,385 --> 00:13:34,544 Yes. 287 00:13:36,104 --> 00:13:38,584 Why don't you read it tonight? Alone. 288 00:13:48,224 --> 00:13:51,424 I'll swing by about nine, so have your breakfast first... 289 00:13:51,425 --> 00:13:53,463 Are you my dad? 290 00:13:53,464 --> 00:13:56,384 Apparently not. See you tomorrow. 291 00:13:58,184 --> 00:14:01,422 '..Waldo the bear left Monroe in stunned silence. 292 00:14:01,423 --> 00:14:03,942 'The colourful Waldo launched his own campaign 293 00:14:03,943 --> 00:14:06,784 'in typically loud and crowd-pleasing style...' 294 00:14:10,024 --> 00:14:12,064 Someone's bold? Do I know you? 295 00:14:12,065 --> 00:14:14,423 Nice way to greet a voter... 296 00:14:14,424 --> 00:14:16,383 Sorry, I thought you were... 297 00:14:16,384 --> 00:14:19,383 Actually, I'm more of a rival. 298 00:14:19,384 --> 00:14:22,942 "Hey, Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe, why are you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?" 299 00:14:22,943 --> 00:14:24,182 You're good at that! 300 00:14:24,183 --> 00:14:25,302 Because I am that. 301 00:14:25,303 --> 00:14:26,424 What? You're that thing? 302 00:14:26,425 --> 00:14:29,783 Waldo's not a thing, he's a bear. 303 00:14:29,784 --> 00:14:34,143 Liam Monroe calls him worse. Nice work there, by the way. 304 00:14:34,144 --> 00:14:37,664 Yeah, well. It's dick jokes at his expense basically. 305 00:14:37,665 --> 00:14:38,783 Another one? 306 00:14:38,784 --> 00:14:40,224 OK. One. 307 00:14:44,424 --> 00:14:47,624 The way you describe it, it's like you're doing this for a showreel... 308 00:14:47,625 --> 00:14:48,663 No... 309 00:14:48,664 --> 00:14:51,384 like this place is the equivalent of a walk-on in a sketch show... 310 00:14:51,385 --> 00:14:52,423 Shh! 311 00:14:52,424 --> 00:14:54,802 But your party leader has to show up because it's a... mid-thing... 312 00:14:54,891 --> 00:14:56,090 Midterm by-election. 313 00:14:56,091 --> 00:14:57,132 Terminology tits. 314 00:14:57,133 --> 00:14:58,331 You are 12! 315 00:14:58,332 --> 00:15:00,290 So because leaderballs is there, 316 00:15:00,291 --> 00:15:03,330 suddenly it's walk-on in a Ricky Gervais sketch show 317 00:15:03,331 --> 00:15:04,690 so it's good exposure. 318 00:15:04,691 --> 00:15:07,210 - You're not going to win, you know you're not going to win... - Come on, shh. 319 00:15:07,211 --> 00:15:09,252 You're not going to win though. 320 00:15:09,253 --> 00:15:10,291 Of course not. 321 00:15:10,292 --> 00:15:11,490 So, why not be honest? 322 00:15:11,491 --> 00:15:13,530 Say, "You arseholes aren't going to vote for me, 323 00:15:13,531 --> 00:15:14,970 "so here's what I think anyway."? 324 00:15:14,971 --> 00:15:18,412 - It doesn't work like that. - Nothing does, that's why everything's bollocksed. 325 00:15:18,413 --> 00:15:21,611 You're angry, for someone who's doing well. 326 00:15:21,612 --> 00:15:25,531 I'm the voice of a blue bear... 327 00:15:25,532 --> 00:15:28,292 if that's, "doing well," then we are doomed! 328 00:15:32,412 --> 00:15:33,491 I can't see! 329 00:15:33,492 --> 00:15:35,012 Hang on, there's a thing. 330 00:15:38,292 --> 00:15:41,892 Have you had a fox in here or do you live like a 14-year-old? 331 00:15:46,332 --> 00:15:48,532 Well, don't get too excited, I'm not sleeping in it. 332 00:15:48,533 --> 00:15:49,892 Shit, really? 333 00:16:06,772 --> 00:16:07,811 You're amazing. 334 00:16:07,812 --> 00:16:08,971 Sorry? 335 00:16:08,972 --> 00:16:10,811 You're amazing? 336 00:16:10,812 --> 00:16:12,452 Oh, thank you! 337 00:16:36,172 --> 00:16:37,851 What's up? 338 00:16:37,852 --> 00:16:39,411 Nothing. 339 00:16:39,412 --> 00:16:40,732 Are you sure? 340 00:16:45,732 --> 00:16:47,172 It's just... 341 00:16:51,172 --> 00:16:53,892 I haven't been happy in a while... 342 00:16:55,892 --> 00:16:58,691 and this is good, you know? 343 00:16:58,692 --> 00:16:59,732 Hm. 344 00:17:09,892 --> 00:17:12,732 Can I... have your number? 345 00:17:16,652 --> 00:17:18,172 Yes! 346 00:17:35,372 --> 00:17:37,092 Where's our mark this morning? 347 00:17:37,093 --> 00:17:38,611 We're out on the road. 348 00:17:38,612 --> 00:17:40,732 Ooh... bien sur. 349 00:17:44,252 --> 00:17:52,011 Oh, hello, I'm Mr Monroe. Vote for me and keep things shitty. 350 00:17:52,012 --> 00:17:54,092 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 351 00:18:15,532 --> 00:18:22,372 Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo! 352 00:18:25,092 --> 00:18:26,692 'You're right. Strong Tory.' 353 00:18:26,693 --> 00:18:27,971 'I warned you.' 354 00:18:27,972 --> 00:18:31,572 You know you're on Monroe turf when they live so far apart. 355 00:18:33,452 --> 00:18:35,012 I'm voting Waldo! 356 00:18:38,652 --> 00:18:40,971 I met Waldo last night. 357 00:18:40,972 --> 00:18:42,892 Jamie, the guy who plays him. 358 00:18:42,893 --> 00:18:44,011 He's fun. 359 00:18:44,012 --> 00:18:45,611 Fun? 360 00:18:45,612 --> 00:18:46,652 Mmm-hmm. 361 00:18:48,612 --> 00:18:51,212 Did you tell him anything about our campaign? 362 00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:52,771 Not really. 363 00:18:52,772 --> 00:18:54,412 Not really or no? 364 00:18:55,932 --> 00:18:57,172 Er, not really. 365 00:18:58,136 --> 00:18:59,335 Look, he's OK. 366 00:18:59,336 --> 00:19:00,535 He's a comedian - 367 00:19:00,536 --> 00:19:02,976 he's mocking Monroe now, it'll be you next. 368 00:19:05,016 --> 00:19:07,935 His act is all f-this and penis jokes. 369 00:19:07,936 --> 00:19:09,015 But... 370 00:19:09,016 --> 00:19:10,896 Don't see him again. 371 00:19:17,576 --> 00:19:20,576 OK. Job done till the husting tomorrow. 372 00:19:21,656 --> 00:19:24,694 Some media students doing a Question Time type thing. 373 00:19:24,695 --> 00:19:26,694 They've asked Waldo to join the panel. 374 00:19:26,695 --> 00:19:29,774 Oh, come on. It's my nightmare, going on Question Time. 375 00:19:29,775 --> 00:19:31,014 It's students, you'll walk it. 376 00:19:31,015 --> 00:19:32,774 I can't answer serious questions... 377 00:19:32,775 --> 00:19:36,016 No-one wants you to! You're the comic relief, lighten up. 378 00:19:47,696 --> 00:19:51,536 Erm, just have a look. I'm sure you'll find lots in there... 379 00:19:54,056 --> 00:19:59,336 Are there any particular issues that you're concerned about at all? 380 00:20:14,816 --> 00:20:16,055 Hey. 381 00:20:16,056 --> 00:20:17,095 Oh, hi. 382 00:20:17,096 --> 00:20:19,294 - I thought we were going to...? - Sorry - I've had a tough day... 383 00:20:19,295 --> 00:20:20,536 Right. Not even one? 384 00:20:20,537 --> 00:20:22,175 Sorry. 385 00:20:22,176 --> 00:20:23,736 Well, what about tomorrow? 386 00:20:25,176 --> 00:20:27,776 - Look, I can't, when this is happening, I can't see you. - What do you mean? 387 00:20:27,777 --> 00:20:28,896 I'm sorry. 388 00:20:41,438 --> 00:20:43,958 Do they think that looks like Question Time? 389 00:20:43,959 --> 00:20:45,998 Yeah. It looks politicsy. 390 00:20:47,518 --> 00:20:49,437 Check the host. 391 00:20:49,442 --> 00:20:50,602 Jailbait Dimbleby. 392 00:20:58,162 --> 00:21:02,322 When it comes to addiction and addicts, we should sympathise, 393 00:21:02,362 --> 00:21:04,520 but we shouldn't patronise. 394 00:21:04,521 --> 00:21:07,919 You know, serious drug use is a criminal of fence, that is 395 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:10,521 committed voluntarily and for pleasure... 396 00:21:11,721 --> 00:21:14,039 Look, I'm sorry, these are the facts. 397 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,399 Waldo, what do you think? 398 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,041 Mr Monroe, are you addicted? 399 00:21:17,042 --> 00:21:18,760 No. 400 00:21:18,761 --> 00:21:20,681 Sorry, I mean, are you a dickhead? 401 00:21:23,481 --> 00:21:24,999 I think we have to ask ourselves... 402 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:28,479 I think we have to ask ourselves, what is this for? 403 00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:32,401 And why do we waste our time with animated trivialities like him? 404 00:21:34,161 --> 00:21:35,240 I mean why? 405 00:21:35,241 --> 00:21:36,400 Why? I mean why? 406 00:21:36,401 --> 00:21:38,400 I mean why? I mean why? 407 00:21:38,401 --> 00:21:39,919 I mean why? I mean why? 408 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:43,399 This is just the kind of thing... rather than see you laugh... 409 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:44,959 They laugh at you, Limbo. 410 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,439 You laugh, you're laughing at someone who won't engage. 411 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:51,761 Who is scared to engage, who hides behind a children's cartoon. 412 00:21:51,762 --> 00:21:54,560 Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool? 413 00:21:54,561 --> 00:21:59,400 I'm... I'm... I'm speaking about James Salter. 414 00:21:59,401 --> 00:22:00,681 Hm? 415 00:22:02,161 --> 00:22:04,440 Don't worry about it. 416 00:22:04,441 --> 00:22:06,520 That's your name, isn't it? 417 00:22:06,521 --> 00:22:09,041 James Salter, this is the man who's behind all this. 418 00:22:09,042 --> 00:22:11,960 He's 33 years old, 419 00:22:11,961 --> 00:22:15,799 a man whose career can be summed up surprisingly quickly. 420 00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:17,319 You were in a sketch troupe 421 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:19,719 that enjoyed minor success about six years ago, 422 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:21,799 and the others moved on to better things, 423 00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,559 but your main achievement seems to have been playing 424 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,239 the part of a corn on the cob 425 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:29,241 in a high-interest personal loan commercial. 426 00:22:30,681 --> 00:22:32,559 I notice you keep that pretty quiet. 427 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:35,719 And now of course operating this sort of teddy bear thing. 428 00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:38,561 Which by the way is easier than it looks. Anyone could do it. 429 00:22:38,562 --> 00:22:45,040 See, this is... this is the thing. It's easy, what he does. 430 00:22:45,041 --> 00:22:46,560 He mocks. 431 00:22:46,561 --> 00:22:49,079 And when he can't think of an authentic joke, 432 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:51,881 which is actually quite often, he just swears. 433 00:22:52,881 --> 00:22:56,999 I think that this puppet's inclusion on this panel debases the 434 00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:01,079 process of debate, and smothers any meaningful discussion of the issues. 435 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:05,679 So I return to my original question, is that really what this is for? 436 00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:08,761 He has nothing to offer and he has nothing to say. 437 00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:11,560 Prove me wrong. Hm? 438 00:23:11,561 --> 00:23:13,640 Speak, Waldo. 439 00:23:13,641 --> 00:23:17,841 Please. Come on. Speak up. 440 00:23:21,001 --> 00:23:23,280 There you see, nothing. 441 00:23:23,281 --> 00:23:24,521 Oh, go fuck yourself. 442 00:23:26,641 --> 00:23:28,400 It's more swearing. 443 00:23:28,401 --> 00:23:29,680 You're a joke. 444 00:23:29,681 --> 00:23:30,959 You look less human than I do 445 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:33,121 and I'm a made-up bear with a turquoise cock. 446 00:23:36,401 --> 00:23:40,440 What are you? You're just an old attitude with new hair. 447 00:23:40,441 --> 00:23:43,359 Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously? 448 00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:45,719 No-one takes you seriously, that's why no-one votes. 449 00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:47,039 The vast majority do vote. 450 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:47,879 It's bullshit. 451 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,199 Surely this is enough? 452 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:50,799 You think you deserve respect. 453 00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:51,879 Just common courtesy. 454 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:53,359 Because you went to public school 455 00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:55,519 and believed you were entitled to everything. 456 00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:57,639 - Perhaps we could get back... - Ad hominem nonsense... 457 00:23:57,640 --> 00:23:58,719 Gwendolyn Harris... 458 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,839 Something's got to change. No-one trusts you lot cos they know 459 00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:04,519 you don't give a shit about anything outside your bubble. 460 00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:07,239 What about your mate Gladwell, the kiddy-flasher? 461 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:10,039 You knew him for 20 years, did you not know what he was like? 462 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:11,121 No, of course not. 463 00:24:11,122 --> 00:24:15,520 Yeah, cos you're all just front, like him, sly and pretending, 464 00:24:15,521 --> 00:24:17,521 and in that way you're all the same. 465 00:24:17,522 --> 00:24:22,320 Gwendolyn Harris, is all of politics a waste of time? 466 00:24:22,321 --> 00:24:24,800 Well, of course I think no... 467 00:24:24,801 --> 00:24:27,760 Oh, shut up, you're worse! 468 00:24:27,761 --> 00:24:29,639 Seriously, she's faker than him. 469 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,719 - For once I agree with Liam Monroe in that this... - Are you going to win? 470 00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:35,919 Doesn't get us anywhere and there's no point in us continuing... 471 00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:37,399 Tell them why you're here. 472 00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:38,921 If we can't have anything resembling a deba... 473 00:24:38,922 --> 00:24:40,961 Tell them why you're here. 474 00:24:44,121 --> 00:24:46,240 She's here to build a showreel. 475 00:24:46,241 --> 00:24:48,799 I'm not kidding, that's literally it. 476 00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:51,041 Knows she's not going to win. This is all experience, 477 00:24:51,042 --> 00:24:52,320 to get on telly. 478 00:24:52,321 --> 00:24:54,919 She actually gives less of a shit about anyone round here than 479 00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:57,321 he does, because he'll actually have to represent you. 480 00:24:57,322 --> 00:24:58,520 Am I wrong? 481 00:24:58,521 --> 00:25:02,520 A career politician. Someone else less real than me, 482 00:25:02,521 --> 00:25:03,801 and I can do this. 483 00:25:08,001 --> 00:25:09,881 Can I just make a couple of points? 484 00:25:09,882 --> 00:25:11,600 Oh, shut up, you pebble. 485 00:25:11,601 --> 00:25:14,319 What is this for? That's what you wanted to know, Mr Monroe. 486 00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:17,321 And the truth is, none of us know any more, thanks to you. 487 00:25:17,322 --> 00:25:20,520 What are you for? What are you for? 488 00:25:20,521 --> 00:25:22,321 Thank you and goodnight. 489 00:26:13,081 --> 00:26:15,041 Jamie. 490 00:26:16,841 --> 00:26:18,001 Jamie? 491 00:26:19,641 --> 00:26:21,961 Jack's here. He wants to see us. 492 00:26:23,361 --> 00:26:24,441 You can't avoid it. 493 00:26:29,801 --> 00:26:33,081 Get dressed, he'll meet us outside. 494 00:26:47,481 --> 00:26:49,641 'And yet accusations of vapidity aside, 495 00:26:49,642 --> 00:26:51,960 'it's clearly tapped a nerve. 496 00:26:51,961 --> 00:26:54,719 'In just three days, Waldo has gone viral. 497 00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:58,639 'The video of his clash has already been viewed over a million times 498 00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:01,961 'on YouTube. There are Facebook groups calling on Waldo 499 00:27:01,962 --> 00:27:04,760 'to form a national party.' 500 00:27:04,761 --> 00:27:06,480 'You're a joke. 501 00:27:06,481 --> 00:27:09,519 'You look less human than I do and I'm a made-up bear with 502 00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:11,719 'a turquoise (BLEEP) What are you? 503 00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:14,399 'You're just an old attitude with new hair. 504 00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:18,361 'Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously. 505 00:27:18,362 --> 00:27:21,161 'No-one takes you (BLEEP) seriously.' 506 00:27:29,361 --> 00:27:31,559 Oh, look, here he is the man of the moment! 507 00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:33,281 How does it feel to be a phenomenon? 508 00:27:33,282 --> 00:27:34,281 Shitifying. 509 00:27:35,801 --> 00:27:37,399 You are everywhere, my son. 510 00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:39,521 Twitter, the news... Have you seen the poll? 511 00:27:39,522 --> 00:27:41,720 You're in third place, mate. 512 00:27:41,721 --> 00:27:43,359 You overtook that Lib Dem prick... 513 00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:46,001 - Yeah, well, he's a glass of water. - This is an opportunity, Jamie. 514 00:27:46,002 --> 00:27:48,040 He knows my name now. 515 00:27:48,041 --> 00:27:49,839 We could really do something here. 516 00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:52,199 You know, everyone's pissed with the status quo. 517 00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:54,041 And Waldo gives that a voice. 518 00:27:54,042 --> 00:27:56,800 Waldo's a bear. A blue bear. 519 00:27:56,801 --> 00:27:58,400 Tell him, Tams. 520 00:27:58,401 --> 00:28:00,640 We've been asked on Consensus. 521 00:28:00,641 --> 00:28:04,041 It's a ten-minute one-to-one interview with Phillip Crane. 522 00:28:04,042 --> 00:28:05,160 Pitbull Crane? 523 00:28:05,161 --> 00:28:06,239 Big guns for big guns. 524 00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:09,519 Hello? I'm not a politician, OK? I don't want to be a politician. 525 00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:10,879 We know that you hate politics. 526 00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:13,439 I don't hate them, I'm just not interested in them. 527 00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:15,159 You don't need to be interested in them. 528 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:16,481 You just need to be Waldo. 529 00:28:17,921 --> 00:28:21,401 And when Crane asks something tricky and I look stupid because I don't know how to answer? 530 00:28:21,402 --> 00:28:23,480 You'll know the answer. 531 00:28:23,481 --> 00:28:25,241 Because you have a producer. 532 00:28:25,242 --> 00:28:28,720 Look, I can tell you what to say. 533 00:28:28,721 --> 00:28:31,639 I can live Google any facts, give you stats, quotes, 534 00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:32,679 whatever else you need. 535 00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:34,919 So you've got a safety net for the concrete stuff 536 00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:37,481 and the rest is Waldo and you can do that in your sleep. 537 00:28:37,482 --> 00:28:39,520 You'll piss all over Crane. 538 00:28:39,521 --> 00:28:41,599 He'll know there's a team around me, he'll see it. 539 00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:44,199 Yeah good. I hope he does. I hope he points a camera at it. 540 00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:47,281 All the other MPs have got teams, we're just more honest about it. 541 00:28:47,282 --> 00:28:49,721 Now come on. What d'you say? Eh? 542 00:28:52,782 --> 00:28:54,181 Jamie! Jamie! 543 00:28:54,182 --> 00:28:55,420 Why would I want to do this? 544 00:28:55,421 --> 00:28:58,460 Look, the world is knackered and you can do something about it. 545 00:28:58,461 --> 00:28:59,940 I don't know what you're on about. 546 00:28:59,941 --> 00:29:02,860 Waldo has got the attention of the young, and the young don't 547 00:29:02,861 --> 00:29:05,860 give a shit about anything except trainers and pirating films. 548 00:29:05,861 --> 00:29:08,620 Do you have any other astounding theories about young people? 549 00:29:08,621 --> 00:29:12,220 Yeah, yeah I do actually. Look, they care about Waldo. 550 00:29:12,221 --> 00:29:13,580 They'll vote for Waldo. 551 00:29:13,581 --> 00:29:15,060 The video was a hit for a reason. 552 00:29:15,061 --> 00:29:17,380 The video's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed by it. 553 00:29:17,381 --> 00:29:19,300 I was lashing out. I wasn't even articulate - 554 00:29:19,301 --> 00:29:21,500 Doesn't matter. Or funny, which is almost worse. 555 00:29:21,501 --> 00:29:22,780 We can build on that. 556 00:29:22,781 --> 00:29:23,860 Waldo's not real. 557 00:29:23,861 --> 00:29:27,660 Exactly! That's what you said that really hit home. He's not real, 558 00:29:27,661 --> 00:29:29,220 but he's realer than all the others. 559 00:29:29,221 --> 00:29:30,900 He doesn't stand for anything. 560 00:29:30,901 --> 00:29:33,342 Yeah, well, at least he doesn't pretend to. 561 00:29:33,343 --> 00:29:35,861 Look we... we don't need politicians, 562 00:29:35,862 --> 00:29:38,700 we've all got iPhones and computers, right? 563 00:29:38,701 --> 00:29:42,260 So any decision that has to be made, any policy, we just put it online. 564 00:29:42,261 --> 00:29:46,020 Let the people vote thumbs up, thumbs down, the majority wins. 565 00:29:46,021 --> 00:29:48,900 That's a democracy. That's a... that's an actual democracy. 566 00:29:48,901 --> 00:29:51,900 So's YouTube and I don't know if you've seen it but the most 567 00:29:51,901 --> 00:29:55,942 popular video is a dog farting the theme tune to Happy Days. 568 00:29:58,022 --> 00:29:59,861 Well, today it's Waldo. 569 00:29:59,862 --> 00:30:02,541 No. It's still the dog. 570 00:30:02,542 --> 00:30:05,180 Listen, can you imagine all the things we can change 571 00:30:05,181 --> 00:30:07,220 if we fuck the politicians out the equation? 572 00:30:07,221 --> 00:30:09,742 I've said what I've said and now I'm shutting this door. 573 00:30:15,742 --> 00:30:17,781 Do you know who owns Waldo? 574 00:30:17,782 --> 00:30:18,982 I do, I own the rights. 575 00:30:21,542 --> 00:30:22,821 He's my character. 576 00:30:22,822 --> 00:30:24,462 Yeah, written for my show. 577 00:30:25,502 --> 00:30:30,221 You're too frightened to take to the next level. Fine. I understand. 578 00:30:30,222 --> 00:30:32,101 But also, fuck off! 579 00:30:32,102 --> 00:30:33,062 And watch me fly. 580 00:30:33,063 --> 00:30:35,502 You own Waldo, you can't be Waldo. 581 00:30:38,182 --> 00:30:41,742 Eh, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, what's 'appenin, eh? 582 00:30:43,902 --> 00:30:45,182 Pretty close, I'd say. 583 00:30:50,852 --> 00:30:53,051 What's happenin'? Ahh! 584 00:30:53,058 --> 00:30:56,777 Waldorific, yeah! Yeah! 585 00:30:56,778 --> 00:30:58,136 Why is it going off left again? 586 00:30:58,137 --> 00:30:58,856 Because the... 587 00:30:58,857 --> 00:31:01,218 - I know! I've got my... - Put your thumb in the white thing. 588 00:31:01,219 --> 00:31:03,137 I got that. In there? OK. 589 00:31:03,138 --> 00:31:04,818 That's not how that works. 590 00:31:13,778 --> 00:31:18,137 First tonight, a figure - or more accurately a character - 591 00:31:18,138 --> 00:31:21,776 who's been causing an upset in the Stentonford by-election. 592 00:31:21,777 --> 00:31:25,136 Unlike the other candidates, he has no party affiliation. 593 00:31:25,137 --> 00:31:27,016 He doesn't even have a surname. 594 00:31:27,017 --> 00:31:31,418 He is Waldo, a few weeks ago just a cult character in a comedy show. 595 00:31:31,419 --> 00:31:35,057 Today, an official mascot for protest voters. 596 00:31:35,058 --> 00:31:36,217 Vote Waldo. 597 00:31:36,218 --> 00:31:39,576 Cartoons don't play by the rules and Waldo's open disdain 598 00:31:39,577 --> 00:31:42,378 for his opponents has clearly struck a chord. 599 00:31:45,018 --> 00:31:47,696 Waldo, as a mascot for the disenfranchised, aren't you 600 00:31:47,697 --> 00:31:50,938 ultimately neutralizing seriously effective dissent? 601 00:31:52,138 --> 00:31:54,056 Can I have subtitles for Mr Crane, please? 602 00:31:54,057 --> 00:31:57,496 By encouraging people not to care, you're actively dangerous. 603 00:31:57,497 --> 00:31:59,498 Dangerous? You think the public can't be trusted? 604 00:31:59,499 --> 00:32:00,577 No. 605 00:32:00,578 --> 00:32:02,058 Isn't that basically you calling them twats? 606 00:32:02,059 --> 00:32:03,057 No, I... 607 00:32:03,058 --> 00:32:04,137 Bell-ends then? 608 00:32:04,138 --> 00:32:05,736 Did you come for a discussion or... 609 00:32:05,737 --> 00:32:08,936 You're snooty for a glorified Punch And Judy man, Phil. 610 00:32:08,937 --> 00:32:11,776 You know you're gonna get your best ratings in months cos I'm here. 611 00:32:11,777 --> 00:32:14,576 To even get close to the figures I'm gonna pull in for you tonight, 612 00:32:14,577 --> 00:32:17,416 you'd have to fuck a prawn sandwich live on air. 613 00:32:17,417 --> 00:32:19,056 Make a nice prawn cocktail. 614 00:32:19,057 --> 00:32:21,216 Could we make a serious political point that is... 615 00:32:21,217 --> 00:32:23,136 I've got one big blue point to make, fool. 616 00:32:23,137 --> 00:32:25,016 - Would you like to have a look at it? - Oh, God. Thank you. 617 00:32:25,017 --> 00:32:27,776 Great work tonight. Look at... Look at this, look at this. 618 00:32:27,777 --> 00:32:30,936 It's The Waldo polling app. Now, this can pinpoint you with GPS 619 00:32:30,937 --> 00:32:32,776 so that when you're at a polling station, 620 00:32:32,777 --> 00:32:34,338 it unlocks loads of free shit, look. 621 00:32:34,339 --> 00:32:38,337 Thanks for voting, dickhead! 622 00:32:38,338 --> 00:32:39,496 It's good, isn't it? 623 00:32:39,497 --> 00:32:40,936 Who's this guy we're meeting? 624 00:32:40,937 --> 00:32:44,858 I dunno. But he's from Washington and he's got my restricted number. 625 00:32:48,218 --> 00:32:50,937 Jeff Carter, from the agency. 626 00:32:50,938 --> 00:32:51,577 Hey. Hey. 627 00:32:51,578 --> 00:32:52,856 And I'll leap right in. 628 00:32:52,857 --> 00:32:55,458 I think what you're doing with Waldo is fascinating. 629 00:32:55,459 --> 00:32:56,777 From "the agency"? 630 00:32:56,778 --> 00:33:00,458 Yeah, listen. Waldo may be the perfect political figurehead. 631 00:33:00,459 --> 00:33:01,937 Waldo The Bear. 632 00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:04,976 The bear, people like. The fact he's a bear is an assist. 633 00:33:04,977 --> 00:33:06,496 - An assist? - It helps. 634 00:33:06,497 --> 00:33:08,736 Right. You look at human politicians, 635 00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:11,576 you're instinctively like, "brrrr" - uncanny, right? 636 00:33:11,577 --> 00:33:12,776 Like the girls in porn. 637 00:33:12,777 --> 00:33:15,296 You know something's wrong, cos why else are they doing it? 638 00:33:15,297 --> 00:33:16,976 It's usually daddy issues, eh? 639 00:33:16,977 --> 00:33:19,296 Just like politics. Waldo bypasses that. 640 00:33:19,297 --> 00:33:21,778 You already know he's not real, so no personal flaws. 641 00:33:21,779 --> 00:33:23,257 I'm a person. 642 00:33:23,258 --> 00:33:25,136 With respect, Waldo's more than you. 643 00:33:25,137 --> 00:33:28,778 He's a team, and you're open about that, which is fantastic. 644 00:33:28,779 --> 00:33:30,737 The honesty thing works. 645 00:33:30,738 --> 00:33:35,017 Waldo is a construct people not just accept but embrace. 646 00:33:35,018 --> 00:33:36,938 At the moment he's anti-politics, 647 00:33:36,939 --> 00:33:40,017 which is a political stance itself, right? 648 00:33:40,018 --> 00:33:42,936 But he could deliver any brand of political content, 649 00:33:42,937 --> 00:33:45,816 minus the potential downsides of a human messenger. 650 00:33:45,817 --> 00:33:49,696 In a debate, your team could Google every word the other guy says, 651 00:33:49,697 --> 00:33:51,696 then let Waldo hit him with debunk stats 652 00:33:51,697 --> 00:33:54,898 and spit a Twitter-ready zinger into the next sentence. 653 00:33:54,899 --> 00:33:57,217 He's the perfect assassin. 654 00:33:57,218 --> 00:33:58,938 We won't win, though. 655 00:34:02,658 --> 00:34:04,657 You guys are so British. 656 00:34:04,658 --> 00:34:08,776 No, of course he won't win. You started out too coarse off the bat. 657 00:34:08,777 --> 00:34:11,978 There's no substantial basis to what you offer, and the whole 658 00:34:11,979 --> 00:34:16,377 nihilist "democracy sucks" thing, yeah, is kind of wack-a-doo, 659 00:34:16,378 --> 00:34:20,857 but with a targeted, hopeful message, which we can provide, 660 00:34:20,858 --> 00:34:24,056 energising the disenfranchised without spooking the middle 661 00:34:24,057 --> 00:34:28,538 via your new platform... You got a global political-entertainment 662 00:34:28,539 --> 00:34:31,058 product people actually want. 663 00:34:32,578 --> 00:34:34,418 You could roll this out worldwide. 664 00:34:34,419 --> 00:34:36,337 Like Pringles. 665 00:34:36,338 --> 00:34:37,738 Absolutely. 666 00:34:42,578 --> 00:34:46,177 It's, er... It's interesting stuff though. 667 00:34:46,178 --> 00:34:47,976 When you're done with Stentonford, 668 00:34:47,977 --> 00:34:50,578 there may be an opportunity in South America. 669 00:34:50,579 --> 00:34:52,217 Se puede hablar espanol? 670 00:34:52,218 --> 00:34:54,657 Vivi en Madrid tres anos. 671 00:34:54,658 --> 00:34:56,498 Excelente. 672 00:35:15,458 --> 00:35:16,578 What? 673 00:35:17,978 --> 00:35:19,537 He's not coming. 674 00:35:19,538 --> 00:35:22,137 But he's the party leader! 675 00:35:22,138 --> 00:35:23,258 It's too toxic. 676 00:35:26,858 --> 00:35:29,256 Meanwhile, as support for Gwendolyn Harris 677 00:35:29,257 --> 00:35:30,536 appears to be dwindling, 678 00:35:30,537 --> 00:35:34,416 Labour denies the party is losing faith in their young candidate. 679 00:35:34,417 --> 00:35:37,098 But Miss Harris spent most of the day locked in crisis talks 680 00:35:37,099 --> 00:35:38,338 at party headqu... 681 00:35:42,018 --> 00:35:46,298 In the Stentonford by-election, Waldo the cartoon bear continues... 682 00:35:47,538 --> 00:35:50,016 Did you see Gwendolyn Harris yesterday? 683 00:35:50,017 --> 00:35:52,098 She looks like she's been poisoned. 684 00:35:52,099 --> 00:35:54,497 Because he's gonna overtake her. 685 00:35:54,498 --> 00:35:55,896 We're still way ahead. 686 00:35:55,897 --> 00:35:59,218 If that thing is the main opposition then the whole system looks absurd. 687 00:36:01,898 --> 00:36:04,377 Which it may well be. 688 00:36:04,378 --> 00:36:05,898 But it built these roads. 689 00:36:14,018 --> 00:36:15,858 Just come in, Roy. 690 00:36:22,098 --> 00:36:23,858 I'm sorry, OK? 691 00:36:25,338 --> 00:36:27,776 It was wrong to speak to you like that and... 692 00:36:27,777 --> 00:36:30,218 After the campaign, I would've called you. 693 00:36:31,378 --> 00:36:33,337 After the campaign! 694 00:36:33,338 --> 00:36:35,498 All you've done is strengthen Monroe. 695 00:36:36,618 --> 00:36:40,456 You won't win either, but I was at least attempting to represent... 696 00:36:40,457 --> 00:36:43,416 Well I don't know! Not just "bollocks to everything". 697 00:36:43,417 --> 00:36:46,096 If you were preaching revolution, well that'd be something, 698 00:36:46,097 --> 00:36:49,178 but you're not because that would require courage and a mindset. 699 00:36:50,418 --> 00:36:51,818 And what have you got? 700 00:36:53,378 --> 00:36:54,578 Who are you? 701 00:36:56,018 --> 00:36:57,618 What are you for? 702 00:37:04,578 --> 00:37:05,858 Morning. 703 00:37:15,778 --> 00:37:17,657 So, final push. 704 00:37:17,658 --> 00:37:19,296 You remind everyone that's got the app 705 00:37:19,297 --> 00:37:23,098 that if they recommend it to a friend it unlocks a little fez for Waldo. 706 00:37:23,099 --> 00:37:24,178 We're here. 707 00:37:27,058 --> 00:37:29,377 Attention, shoppers. 708 00:37:29,378 --> 00:37:32,778 I'm here to ask you an important favour. Gather round. 709 00:37:32,779 --> 00:37:34,938 Come over here and listen. 710 00:37:37,458 --> 00:37:40,577 Don't vote for me. I'm an insult. 711 00:37:40,578 --> 00:37:41,977 Seriously. 712 00:37:41,978 --> 00:37:45,137 Vote for Monroe or Harris or, I dunno, UKIP, 713 00:37:45,138 --> 00:37:47,017 or even that Lib Dem guy. 714 00:37:47,018 --> 00:37:48,617 He's a prick! 715 00:37:48,618 --> 00:37:52,296 Seriously, only an arsehole would actually vote for me. 716 00:37:52,297 --> 00:37:53,456 What is this? Irony? 717 00:37:53,457 --> 00:37:55,176 I'm worse than a wasted vote. 718 00:37:55,177 --> 00:37:56,896 He's from the Harris campaign. 719 00:37:56,897 --> 00:37:59,176 I mean it, you idiots! Don't vote for me! 720 00:37:59,177 --> 00:38:01,378 Don't vote for me! Don't vote for me! 721 00:38:01,379 --> 00:38:03,297 Don't vote for me! 722 00:38:03,298 --> 00:38:04,978 Don't vmmmf! 723 00:38:07,338 --> 00:38:08,497 Shut up. 724 00:38:08,498 --> 00:38:10,456 No. Don't boo him, he's right! He's right! 725 00:38:10,457 --> 00:38:11,618 What are you doing? 726 00:38:11,619 --> 00:38:13,138 - Resigning. - Jamie! 727 00:38:14,738 --> 00:38:16,537 Look! It's me, I'm Waldo. 728 00:38:16,538 --> 00:38:19,697 This guy, whoever this guy is, he's a hero. 729 00:38:19,698 --> 00:38:22,096 You should throw stuff at Waldo, he's bad bloody news. 730 00:38:22,097 --> 00:38:23,456 - He's funny! - He's not. 731 00:38:23,457 --> 00:38:26,016 Don't listen to that man, he's a lesbian. Ahh! 732 00:38:26,017 --> 00:38:29,616 So remember, the polls are open, and if you've got my app, you can 733 00:38:29,617 --> 00:38:32,978 unlock new stuff like catchphrases and a little hat 'n' that. 734 00:38:32,979 --> 00:38:37,377 Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me so question the status quo! 735 00:38:37,378 --> 00:38:38,617 Kill it! Kill it! 736 00:38:38,618 --> 00:38:40,497 Kick them where it hurts. 737 00:38:40,498 --> 00:38:43,176 The first man to hit him gets 500 quid! 738 00:38:43,177 --> 00:38:46,618 Yeah, that's right. Knock him down. Knock him down. 739 00:38:46,619 --> 00:38:48,057 Smash it! 740 00:38:48,058 --> 00:38:50,217 Yeah! Yeah! 741 00:38:50,218 --> 00:38:54,578 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah... 742 00:39:03,858 --> 00:39:05,136 I, the undersigned, 743 00:39:05,137 --> 00:39:07,256 being the returning officer for the Stentonford 744 00:39:07,257 --> 00:39:10,936 and Hersham constituency, hereby give notice that the total number 745 00:39:10,937 --> 00:39:14,378 of votes recorded for each candidate at the election is as follows. 746 00:39:15,578 --> 00:39:19,377 Finch, Simon Arthur. Liberal Democrats. 747 00:39:19,378 --> 00:39:21,538 2,449. 748 00:39:24,738 --> 00:39:28,137 Harris, Gwendolyn Jodie. Labour. 749 00:39:28,138 --> 00:39:30,418 11,237. 750 00:39:34,018 --> 00:39:38,297 Monroe, Liam George Tennyson. Conservative. 751 00:39:38,298 --> 00:39:40,738 19,161. 752 00:39:47,418 --> 00:39:49,498 Waldo, Independent. 753 00:39:52,858 --> 00:39:55,458 16,784. 754 00:39:59,138 --> 00:40:03,256 Ladies... Ladies and gentlemen, please! I declare that Liam Monroe 755 00:40:03,257 --> 00:40:06,178 is duly elected member of Parliament for the constituency. 756 00:40:08,418 --> 00:40:10,817 Hey, hey! Everyone! 757 00:40:10,818 --> 00:40:13,298 500 quid to anyone who can lob a shoe! 758 00:40:43,738 --> 00:40:46,017 Up you get, come on. 759 00:40:46,018 --> 00:40:47,298 Come on! 760 00:40:56,178 --> 00:40:57,858 Come on. Out you go. 761 00:41:54,258 --> 00:41:55,618 Oi! 762 00:41:56,978 --> 00:41:58,218 Agh! 763 00:42:25,746 --> 00:43:09,867 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. 57498

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