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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,133 --> 00:00:06,467 Hey. What are you doing? 2 00:00:06,467 --> 00:00:08,000 Oh, uh, there's nothing good on TV, 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:09,767 so I'm going to watch Alex do homework. 4 00:00:09,767 --> 00:00:12,800 That's a reality show I've never seen an episode of. 5 00:00:14,700 --> 00:00:18,200 Daddy, see? Too many distractions. 6 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:21,667 It's really Justin's fault that I've fallen behind in science. 7 00:00:21,667 --> 00:00:23,500 Really? I thought it had something to do 8 00:00:23,500 --> 00:00:25,600 with the 14 missing assignments. [gasping] 9 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,734 Fourteen? I thought it was ten. 10 00:00:29,734 --> 00:00:33,400 [stammering] I told you that four weeks ago. 11 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:36,600 [sighing] This is why you aren't doing anything over school break, 12 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:38,567 except take that science class. 13 00:00:38,567 --> 00:00:41,567 It's ironic that the person who likes school the least 14 00:00:41,567 --> 00:00:43,200 has to do it the most. 15 00:00:44,934 --> 00:00:47,800 [chuckling] Life is funny like that. 16 00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:53,233 - Here, Justin. This one's for you. - Oooh. 17 00:00:53,233 --> 00:00:56,200 This is from that essay contest I entered. 18 00:00:58,033 --> 00:01:01,500 "Winner..." Winner, winner! I won! I won the contest! 19 00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:04,934 I won a trip to the S.S. Tipton Teen Cruise to Hawaii. 20 00:01:04,934 --> 00:01:07,667 - [gasping] - [both yelling] We're going on a cruise! 21 00:01:08,900 --> 00:01:13,967 Teen cruise. Family members 18 and under. 22 00:01:15,100 --> 00:01:17,900 [both yelling] We're going on a cruise! 23 00:01:17,900 --> 00:01:19,800 Ah! Hold on there, little girl. 24 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:22,100 You're not going anywhere but that science class. 25 00:01:22,100 --> 00:01:24,734 That's what you get for missing ten assignments. 26 00:01:24,734 --> 00:01:27,400 - It's up to 14 now. - What? 27 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:30,000 Clearly, we need to check every week. 28 00:01:31,100 --> 00:01:33,100 Alex, you're gonna come to the ship with us 29 00:01:33,100 --> 00:01:34,667 and drop off your brothers. 30 00:01:34,667 --> 00:01:37,400 And maybe seeing all the fun they're about to have 31 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:39,467 will make you feel really bad about yourself. 32 00:01:41,033 --> 00:01:43,867 - Is that good parenting? - I think it is. 33 00:01:43,867 --> 00:01:45,200 All right. 34 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:47,567 Oh, my gosh. Look... 35 00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:51,033 It says here I get a photo op with London Tipton. 36 00:01:51,033 --> 00:01:53,600 [sighing] She's beautiful and rich. 37 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:57,300 And famous for doing absolutely nothing. 38 00:01:57,300 --> 00:02:00,367 - Aren't you kinda known for doing nothing? - [scoffing] 39 00:02:00,367 --> 00:02:01,700 You think I'm doing nothing, 40 00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:04,367 but really I'm planning something against you. 41 00:02:04,367 --> 00:02:07,000 - That's my popcorn. Come on! - No. 42 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,734 ♪ Well you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪ 43 00:02:09,734 --> 00:02:11,767 ♪ And the end will no doubt justify the means ♪ 44 00:02:11,767 --> 00:02:14,100 ♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪ 45 00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:15,700 ♪ Yes, please ♪ 46 00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:17,500 ♪ But you might find out It'll go to your head ♪ 47 00:02:17,500 --> 00:02:19,300 ♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪ 48 00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:21,300 ♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪ 49 00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:23,467 ♪ That's what I said ♪ 50 00:02:23,467 --> 00:02:26,500 ♪ Everything is Not what it seems ♪ 51 00:02:26,500 --> 00:02:30,400 ♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪ 52 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:34,233 ♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪ 53 00:02:34,233 --> 00:02:38,800 ♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪ 54 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:42,000 ♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪ 55 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:46,200 ♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪ 56 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:49,667 ♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪ 57 00:02:49,667 --> 00:02:55,600 ♪ Because everything is not... What it seems ♪♪ 58 00:03:05,934 --> 00:03:07,000 Hey, Mr. Moseby. 59 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,367 "Teen Cruise to Hawaii?" Awesome, huh? 60 00:03:09,367 --> 00:03:12,033 If I paint over the word "teen," will they go away? 61 00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:16,800 Come on, Mr. Moseby. It can't be that bad. 62 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:18,734 I signed up for the class you're teaching. 63 00:03:18,734 --> 00:03:22,100 Oh, good. I look forward to matching minds with you. 64 00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:24,300 - Shouldn't be half bad. - Oh, really? 65 00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:29,567 - You plus you equals all bad. - OK, zzzt! 66 00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:32,600 [elevator dings] 67 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:38,900 Wow. 68 00:03:40,233 --> 00:03:42,033 We're just saying goodbye to the boys. 69 00:03:42,033 --> 00:03:44,800 - You don't have to wear a life vest. - Yes, I do. 70 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:47,600 We're on water. And if people were meant to be on water, 71 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:51,867 we'd be born with these things. 72 00:03:51,867 --> 00:03:54,500 But you have all those swimming medals from high school. 73 00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:56,600 Honey, why do you think I was so fast? 74 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:58,900 I couldn't wait to get out of the water. 75 00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:00,300 Ah. 76 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,233 Thank you. 77 00:04:05,233 --> 00:04:09,100 Dude, check it out! There's a marine paleontology exhibit on board. 78 00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:11,700 They must have known I was coming. 79 00:04:12,767 --> 00:04:14,300 Was I supposed to keep an eye on Alex, 80 00:04:14,300 --> 00:04:16,800 - and make sure she didn't sneak away? - Yes. 81 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:19,600 When exactly does that job start? 82 00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:24,600 - Russos? The Russo party. - Right here. Yes. 83 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:26,100 Ah, the contest winners. 84 00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:29,200 Welcome to the S.S. Tipton Teen Cruise to Hawaii. 85 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:32,900 - [groaning] You know, the ship's name is "Tipton," - Mm-hm. 86 00:04:32,900 --> 00:04:37,767 which has the word "tip" in it. Which makes me really nervous. 87 00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:41,500 It also has the word "ton" in it. 88 00:04:41,500 --> 00:04:44,967 As in this ship weighs 87,000 tons. 89 00:04:44,967 --> 00:04:48,100 Oh, my gosh. How does this thing float? 90 00:04:49,834 --> 00:04:51,233 Magic. 91 00:04:54,100 --> 00:04:55,133 I'm kidding. 92 00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:59,100 There's no such thing as magic! 93 00:05:02,133 --> 00:05:05,700 The letter said I would get a photo op with London Tipton. 94 00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:08,600 Justin, don't be disappointed if she won't talk to you. 95 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:14,100 Maybe there will be a cardboard cut-out of her you can meet. 96 00:05:14,100 --> 00:05:17,500 Now, let me tell you about the wonderful amenities we have on board: 97 00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:21,500 We have an arcade and a hot tub, a buffet, a basketball court. 98 00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:24,133 Oooh! And a state-of-the-art marine biology lab, 99 00:05:24,133 --> 00:05:26,867 - where I'll be teaching class. - There's a school on board? 100 00:05:26,867 --> 00:05:29,400 - Yes. - Don't tell Alex. 101 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:33,000 She'll wear us down until we let her take her class here. 102 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,600 Theresa, we must be strong. 103 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:39,233 87,000 tons. 104 00:05:40,734 --> 00:05:43,967 Now, I'll take the teens to their contest-winning cabin. 105 00:05:43,967 --> 00:05:46,800 Is it close to, uh, London Tipton's room? 106 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:51,100 No, but it's close to where we store the cardboard cut-outs of her. [cackling] 107 00:05:53,967 --> 00:05:55,967 Bye! 108 00:05:55,967 --> 00:05:58,233 OK. Let's find Alex and get out of here. 109 00:05:58,233 --> 00:06:00,800 Right. Before she figures out there's a school on board. 110 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:04,233 - [elevator dings] - Did you guys know there's a school on board? 111 00:06:04,233 --> 00:06:08,800 - And, there's a 24-hour pizza bar. - There's a pizza bar? 112 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:12,500 Don't get distracted by the pizza. That's part of her plan. 113 00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:14,667 But pizza's the second most distracting food, 114 00:06:14,667 --> 00:06:16,867 after ice cream. 115 00:06:16,867 --> 00:06:19,000 I wonder if they have ice cream on board. 116 00:06:19,967 --> 00:06:21,867 OK, I've lost you. 117 00:06:21,867 --> 00:06:25,734 Alex, even if we said yes, you're not even packed. 118 00:06:25,734 --> 00:06:29,233 So if I'm packed, I'm good? 119 00:06:29,233 --> 00:06:30,800 "Bags from home meet me here, 120 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:33,233 take them there and bring them near." 121 00:06:34,567 --> 00:06:36,800 You packed your bags? 122 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,500 How did you know you'd be going? 123 00:06:38,500 --> 00:06:41,700 I find that if you keep acting like something you want is gonna happen, 124 00:06:41,700 --> 00:06:43,400 a lot of times it does. 125 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:47,200 Listen, if I let you do this, you have to promise to stay in that class. 126 00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:50,800 And find out if there's any ice cream in there. 127 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:53,800 Dad, I promise to stay in class. What else am I going to do? 128 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:57,300 Well... Ah! I'm not gonna give you any ideas. 129 00:06:57,300 --> 00:06:59,500 [ship horn blowing] 130 00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:01,033 Oh, my gosh. We're sinking. 131 00:07:01,033 --> 00:07:04,000 Let's go! [yelling] Let's go! 132 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:14,200 [singing] Ah-ha! 133 00:07:16,734 --> 00:07:19,567 This is the S.S. Tipton Teen Cruise's best cabin. 134 00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:24,200 - This is the ship's infirmary. - [Moseby] Hm... 135 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,700 Oh, uh, I don't know what "infirmary" means, 136 00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:29,900 but I'm pretty sure this is where they treat the sick people. 137 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,300 True, we were over-booked, 138 00:07:33,300 --> 00:07:36,367 - but it is one of our most sanitary cabins. - [Max] Ah. 139 00:07:36,367 --> 00:07:38,734 At least it was. 140 00:07:39,734 --> 00:07:41,200 Enjoy. 141 00:07:43,033 --> 00:07:44,600 [door closing] 142 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,967 Justin, look. Check it out. 143 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,600 It's one of those arm clocks. 144 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:50,200 I'm going to go put it on people 145 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,133 and tell them what time it is inside their bodies. 146 00:07:53,367 --> 00:07:55,767 Bon jour, brothers! Surprised to see me? 147 00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:58,800 [scoffing] No. Surprised that you know two words of French. 148 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:02,500 Mom and Dad said as long as I take my science class on board, I can stay. 149 00:08:02,500 --> 00:08:05,667 Mom and Dad also think I got no shot at meeting London Tipton. 150 00:08:05,667 --> 00:08:07,033 And they're probably right. 151 00:08:07,033 --> 00:08:08,834 What would London Tipton want to do 152 00:08:08,834 --> 00:08:12,100 with someone who could only get on this ship by entering an essay contest? 153 00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:15,033 The photo op will probably be, "Hello, I wrote an essay." 154 00:08:15,033 --> 00:08:17,500 [high-pitched] "Oh. Hello, I'm beautiful and rich." 155 00:08:17,500 --> 00:08:21,600 Click! "Wait, my eyes were closed! Can we... you, busy." 156 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:28,400 If you want to talk to London Tipton, just do what I do. 157 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,500 Keep acting like something you want's gonna happen. 158 00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:34,700 And a lot of times it just does. I'm on the cruise, right? 159 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,800 Yeah, you may be on to something. 160 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:39,867 Well, get out of here. I'm about to do something 161 00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:41,100 you don't wanna know about. 162 00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:42,834 - Does it involve me? - No. 163 00:08:42,834 --> 00:08:44,567 All right. 164 00:08:58,467 --> 00:09:00,400 Hey, I was thinking while I was in there, 165 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,400 these tights could be a hat. 166 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:05,767 Why not? See how much fun this cruise is? 167 00:09:05,767 --> 00:09:09,467 Speaking of fun, I signed you up for a really cool marine biology course. 168 00:09:09,467 --> 00:09:12,233 Marine biology? That doesn't sound like fun. 169 00:09:12,233 --> 00:09:16,233 What? You love marine biology. Remember that whale-watching trip? 170 00:09:16,233 --> 00:09:21,600 - The one when I got seasick? - That wasn't seasick. That was excited-sick. 171 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:24,767 I do throw up when I get excited. 172 00:09:24,767 --> 00:09:29,600 Well, get ready to vomit, because you're going to marine biology class. 173 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,200 - Thanks, Alex. - Oh, one more thing though. 174 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,400 You're going to be Alex Russo when you go. 175 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,367 Well, who are you gonna be? 176 00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:40,400 I'm gonna be the girl having as much fun as she can, as fast as she can 177 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,667 until she gets caught. 178 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:45,500 Someone get this thing off me! 179 00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:47,767 It keeps getting tighter! 180 00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:53,967 [air hissing] 181 00:09:53,967 --> 00:09:56,567 [sighing] Ah, thanks. 182 00:09:56,567 --> 00:09:59,500 So, I hear you're randomly taking people's blood pressure. 183 00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:04,200 I'm Zack. I'm kind of the one on the ship who does weird and hilarious stuff. 184 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:08,133 Well, good for you. I'm the one who does incredibly cool, serious stuff 185 00:10:08,133 --> 00:10:11,800 that people laugh at for no reason. 186 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:15,233 [chuckling] That sounds like a challenge. 187 00:10:15,233 --> 00:10:16,934 Well, that's where you're wrong. 188 00:10:16,934 --> 00:10:19,667 It sounds to me like the whole time you've been talking, 189 00:10:19,667 --> 00:10:23,467 I've been trying to figure out what you meant by "blood pressure." 190 00:10:24,867 --> 00:10:28,600 Oh, it's on. You and me. Tonight. Easy Squeezy. 191 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,934 We're drinking super-sized "everything slushies." 192 00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:34,100 They give you a slush rush. See if you can handle it. 193 00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:35,367 You're on. 194 00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:43,900 [silent mouthing] 195 00:10:57,500 --> 00:11:00,467 Oh! Excuse me, do you work in this jewelry store? 196 00:11:00,467 --> 00:11:02,667 Can I see that in a princess setting? 197 00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:04,734 - Jewelry store? - Hm-hm. 198 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,133 Uh... I don't work here. 199 00:11:08,133 --> 00:11:12,000 Uh, I was just wondering, uh... 200 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:15,500 - Where would you like to go on our second date? - [chuckling] 201 00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:18,233 Well, second dates for me are taking my private jet 202 00:11:18,233 --> 00:11:20,200 to one of my four castles for fried chicken, 203 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:23,600 or taking one of my helicopters to one of my yachts for fried chicken. 204 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,967 - I love fried chicken. - [both giggling] 205 00:11:25,967 --> 00:11:30,934 Wait a minute. We didn't go out on a first date. Who are you? 206 00:11:30,934 --> 00:11:33,600 Uh, no, I, uh... 207 00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:38,567 - I'm... the paleontologist in charge of this exhibit. - [gasps] 208 00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:43,100 - Yep. Dr. uh... Fossil. - [gasps] 209 00:11:44,367 --> 00:11:47,600 - I'm a doctor. - Oooh, I like doctors. 210 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:50,867 So, Dr. Fossil, if we were going on a second date, 211 00:11:50,867 --> 00:11:53,900 and I'm not saying we are, because I think the number "second" 212 00:11:53,900 --> 00:11:55,367 comes after the number "first," 213 00:11:55,367 --> 00:11:58,100 but then, I was never really good with lower case numbers, 214 00:11:58,100 --> 00:11:59,367 where would you take me? 215 00:12:00,567 --> 00:12:02,900 I'd take you to the best restaurant on this ship. 216 00:12:02,900 --> 00:12:05,800 [gasps] The Balcony of the Neptune Room? 217 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:10,867 - That. - Tonight. Eight. I'll meet you there, Dr. Fossil. 218 00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:16,200 The doctor is in. 219 00:12:22,834 --> 00:12:27,233 - Hi. I'm Alex Russo. - I'm Cody Martin. 220 00:12:27,233 --> 00:12:29,667 I see you like to get to class before the teacher, too. 221 00:12:29,667 --> 00:12:33,734 I do. And I'm OK with sitting up front, now that my self-confidence is up. 222 00:12:33,734 --> 00:12:37,900 People used to make fun of me behind my back, but now I'm OK with it. 223 00:12:37,900 --> 00:12:42,133 They also find it threatening if you turn around and say, "I heard that." 224 00:12:42,133 --> 00:12:45,300 Nice to meet you, Alex Russo. I'm going to remember you. 225 00:12:45,300 --> 00:12:46,767 Ah, you don't have to. 226 00:12:51,500 --> 00:12:55,867 Ah! I need one more for the tug of war. Hm? Anyone? 227 00:12:57,133 --> 00:12:58,900 Chance to humiliate some boys? 228 00:12:58,900 --> 00:12:59,967 Sure, why not! 229 00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:04,700 And the winner gets two tickets to the Hannah Montana concert. 230 00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:07,233 [gasping] Oh my gosh, I love Hannah Montana. 231 00:13:07,233 --> 00:13:10,500 Well, good for you, girl I don't know. 232 00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:13,834 I'm Bailey. What's your name? 233 00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:17,400 I'm... girl you don't know. 234 00:13:18,300 --> 00:13:20,100 And, go! 235 00:13:22,767 --> 00:13:25,233 - We're slipping. We're slipping! - Spit on the floor! 236 00:13:25,233 --> 00:13:27,700 - [hocking, spitting noises] - Rub your shoes in it. 237 00:13:29,667 --> 00:13:31,834 Oh, it's working! Oh, I get it. 238 00:13:31,834 --> 00:13:34,834 - It gets the dust off your shoes to give traction... - Less talk, more pull! 239 00:13:34,834 --> 00:13:35,900 Sorry! 240 00:13:43,367 --> 00:13:46,000 - Ha! - [both] Powned! 241 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,800 - What! Eat it. - Yeah! 242 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:53,300 - And the winner is Bailey and... - Girl you don't know. 243 00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:57,800 [squeaking] We won! We're going to Hannah Montana! 244 00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,834 [chuckling] Massive splash, and I got nothing. 245 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:05,867 Now, I will need your name so I can put it on the winners board 246 00:14:05,867 --> 00:14:09,033 - with your picture for everyone to see. - No, no, no. No names. 247 00:14:09,033 --> 00:14:12,834 No board. We didn't win. We cheated by spitting on the floor. 248 00:14:12,834 --> 00:14:17,600 - She told me to, Mr. Moseby. - After all we've been through? 249 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,300 - Can I still go to Hannah Montana? - Oh! 250 00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:23,300 Not unless you win the scavenger hunt. 251 00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:26,700 I'm gonna go look for an egg-beater. There's always an egg-beater. 252 00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:30,900 I will need your name for the cheaters roster. 253 00:14:30,900 --> 00:14:33,500 - My name... - Hm-hm. 254 00:14:33,500 --> 00:14:35,500 ...is... 255 00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:40,000 Ashley... Olsen. 256 00:14:41,934 --> 00:14:46,600 Ashley Olsen, you are the most honest cheater I've ever met. 257 00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:50,000 [camera clicking] 258 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:54,400 Ashley Olsen. I can probably remember that. Ashley... Oh, no. 259 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,967 Ah, well. 260 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,400 And so I had to go ahead and operate on him, 261 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:09,367 even though I only had a Swiss army knife and a bowling ball. 262 00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:11,834 [gasping] Oh, my gosh. 263 00:15:11,834 --> 00:15:13,033 That is so amazing. 264 00:15:13,033 --> 00:15:16,133 You did all that and you're a teenage doctor? 265 00:15:16,133 --> 00:15:20,967 - Nope. I did all that because I'm a teenage doctor. - [gasps] 266 00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:25,967 You know, there are a lot of people who make up all kinds of stories 267 00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:29,800 - just to get close to me. - Really? 268 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:33,300 Yeah, people lie to me all the time. 269 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:38,133 - But, you would never lie to me, would you, Dr. Fossil? - Oh, uh, no. 270 00:15:41,567 --> 00:15:44,367 - London, there's something I have to tell you. - Me, too. 271 00:15:44,367 --> 00:15:48,500 Look, I'm just so glad I finally met someone who can be real around me. 272 00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:52,000 - Now, what were you going to say? - Nothing. 273 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:55,567 Just that I was gonna remind you that I'm a teenage doctor and I really like you. 274 00:15:55,567 --> 00:16:00,100 - [both chuckling] - Well, I really like you, too. 275 00:16:00,100 --> 00:16:01,934 - [phone ringing] - Oooh. Text! 276 00:16:03,467 --> 00:16:06,100 - Oh, what a pain. I have to go. - What? 277 00:16:06,100 --> 00:16:08,867 I really wanna finish this date, but I can't. 278 00:16:08,867 --> 00:16:11,200 I have to go to the main deck to greet some poor family 279 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:14,667 who had to win a contest to get on the boat, the Russos. 280 00:16:15,734 --> 00:16:17,667 Oh, that's how you know you're full. 281 00:16:23,734 --> 00:16:25,367 Max! Dude, I'm in trouble. 282 00:16:25,367 --> 00:16:27,500 London Tipton thinks I'm the rich Dr. Fossil, 283 00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:30,200 and she's on her way here to take a picture with the poor Russos. 284 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:31,834 Oh, no. We're poor? 285 00:16:31,834 --> 00:16:35,100 Well then, I guess I can't afford these. 286 00:16:37,667 --> 00:16:39,600 [water splashing] 287 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,800 You're gonna be no help. 288 00:16:44,867 --> 00:16:47,500 Where am I gonna get a disguise? 289 00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:50,200 - Harper! - Hi, Justin! 290 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,500 You're good with costumes, right? I need you to... 291 00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:55,600 Well, I'm not sure I have that material. Harper?! 292 00:16:56,467 --> 00:16:57,600 What are you doing here? 293 00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,233 I'm part of Alex's scheme. 294 00:17:00,233 --> 00:17:04,667 - I need you to be Alex Russo. - That's also part of Alex's scheme. 295 00:17:04,667 --> 00:17:07,033 - Great. - [gasping] There's London Tipton! 296 00:17:07,033 --> 00:17:10,800 You guys must be the Russos. Max, Justin and Alex. 297 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:13,700 - London, I know what you're thinking... - Yeah. 298 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,033 I'm thinking I need to get this photo op over with, 299 00:17:16,033 --> 00:17:18,567 so I can get back to Dr. Fossil. 300 00:17:18,567 --> 00:17:22,734 Oh, my gosh. You look just like him! [giggles] 301 00:17:22,734 --> 00:17:24,600 - And... - [camera clicking] 302 00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:27,734 ...you just met London Tipton. Have a nice cruise. 303 00:17:28,934 --> 00:17:32,400 That girl is really dumb. 304 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,600 And that's coming from me. 305 00:17:37,667 --> 00:17:42,233 - [slurping noises] - Time! I finished first. 306 00:17:42,233 --> 00:17:45,300 No, I finished first. This is exactly why I said 307 00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:47,000 we shouldn't drink from the same cup. 308 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,767 You can't tell who finished first. 309 00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:52,033 Yeah. Maybe you're right. 310 00:17:52,033 --> 00:17:54,000 I have an idea how we can settle this. 311 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,233 - Settle what? - Don't try to confuse me. 312 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:01,900 Look, I'm gonna beat you at luggage cart races tomorrow. 313 00:18:01,900 --> 00:18:03,734 [chuckling] Oh, you're on. 314 00:18:03,734 --> 00:18:05,200 Exactly. 315 00:18:08,734 --> 00:18:11,600 Hey, are we even doing this right, Ashley? 316 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:14,300 - Ashley... - Olsen? 317 00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:15,600 That's it. 318 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:17,934 Well, if the object of the game 319 00:18:17,934 --> 00:18:20,500 is to see how many of these things we can knock overboard, 320 00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:24,300 - I think we're winning. - [water splashing] 321 00:18:29,834 --> 00:18:31,867 To see the cells of this lobster, 322 00:18:31,867 --> 00:18:34,567 you'll stain them with tiny amounts of methylene blue. 323 00:18:34,567 --> 00:18:40,000 - Stains are also how you can tell me from my brother. - [chuckling] Nice one! 324 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,567 - Thanks. - [giggling] 325 00:18:41,567 --> 00:18:44,500 Anyway. After that, you'll prepare the lobster 326 00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:48,200 - with a little bit of butter and tarragon. - [both giggling] 327 00:18:52,767 --> 00:18:55,000 How long does it take to get from the Atlantic Ocean 328 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,600 to the middle of the Pacific Ocean? 329 00:18:56,600 --> 00:19:01,367 - That's an excellent question, Alex Russo. - Well, that's me! 330 00:19:04,033 --> 00:19:06,700 It takes a month of constant sailing at top speed 331 00:19:06,700 --> 00:19:08,233 if you go through the Panama Canal. 332 00:19:08,233 --> 00:19:10,300 Or you could take the path Magellan did in 1522 333 00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:12,667 and go around Cape Horn, but... 334 00:19:12,667 --> 00:19:16,000 - But he died before he got all the way home. - Knowledge is cool. 335 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:20,500 - So are dead explorers. - You're an amazing student, Alex Russo. 336 00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:22,734 Well, that's Alex Russo for you. 337 00:19:23,567 --> 00:19:25,934 That's me. Alex Russo. 338 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,700 - Isn't making pizza great, Ashley? - Yes. 339 00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:33,400 I love making my own food. That's what Ashley... 340 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,800 ...Olsen does. Yes! I gotta write that down. 341 00:19:37,667 --> 00:19:39,100 Alex, I need your help. 342 00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:41,400 [snorting] OK, well, that's gonna be hard. 343 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:44,900 There's no one named Alex here. Just Bailey and Ashley Olsen. 344 00:19:44,900 --> 00:19:46,300 She taught me to spit. 345 00:19:46,300 --> 00:19:47,900 Well, I already knew how to spit, 346 00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:50,200 but she made me OK with doing it in public. 347 00:19:51,133 --> 00:19:52,800 Got it. Part of the scheme. 348 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:56,300 Ashley, I've got a problem. Over here. 349 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,734 OK, Alex, I got exactly what I wanted... 350 00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:03,834 - ...a date with London Tipton. - Great! 351 00:20:03,834 --> 00:20:06,900 - Not great. I lied to get her. - Still great. 352 00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:10,600 No... I got exactly what I wanted and now it's terrible, 353 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:13,500 - because she's not so smart. - What do you mean? 354 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:19,233 - Max thinks she's dumb. - Whoa. You gotta dump her. 355 00:20:19,233 --> 00:20:22,033 - I know. - How are you gonna do it? 356 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:25,934 - I'm just gonna tell her. - Can I watch? 357 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,400 - I'm not gonna cry. - Ah. 358 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:31,667 - Where's the finish line? - The hot tub! 359 00:20:37,367 --> 00:20:39,734 - Watch out! - [grunting] 360 00:20:42,867 --> 00:20:45,233 Oh my gosh. Bailey? 361 00:20:45,233 --> 00:20:46,700 [London] She's choking! 362 00:20:46,700 --> 00:20:48,000 Dr. Fossil, help her. 363 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,400 - You're a doctor. - I don't know how to save her. 364 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,734 What kind of a doctor doesn't know how to save a person? 365 00:20:52,734 --> 00:20:54,767 - Look, I was going to tell you... - Tell me what? 366 00:20:54,767 --> 00:20:56,867 That you're not a very smart doctor? 367 00:20:57,667 --> 00:20:58,934 [choking, coughing] 368 00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:01,800 - Bailey! - [coughing] 369 00:21:03,834 --> 00:21:06,133 - [grunting] - [food splashes in water] 370 00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:11,400 - Bailey, are you all right? - Yes, thank you. 371 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,600 You just saved her life. What's your name again? 372 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:14,734 Ashley Simpson. 373 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:17,600 You said Olsen. 374 00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:24,367 Yes, Ashley Simpson Olsen. 375 00:21:25,467 --> 00:21:26,967 No, it's not. It's Alex. 376 00:21:26,967 --> 00:21:30,033 - Alex? - Yeah, my sister, Alex Russo. 377 00:21:30,033 --> 00:21:32,400 - She's not Alex Russo. - Harper! 378 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,500 - Ha! That's Alex Russo. - Harper! 379 00:21:35,500 --> 00:21:37,300 Harper! I got an "A" on the first quiz. 380 00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:39,400 Wait a minute. She just called you Harper. 381 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,300 She called you Ashley. And you called her Alex? 382 00:21:42,300 --> 00:21:44,367 OK, what is your name?! 383 00:21:44,367 --> 00:21:47,133 [Max] I'm gonna clear this up right now. 384 00:21:47,133 --> 00:21:51,767 Her name is Alex Russo. She's my sister. We... ah! 385 00:21:54,033 --> 00:21:56,467 London, I need to explain something to you. 386 00:21:56,467 --> 00:21:59,567 OK. That girl, whatever her real name is, saved Bailey. 387 00:21:59,567 --> 00:22:02,834 And you, Dr. Fossil, did not. That is all I need to know. 388 00:22:02,834 --> 00:22:04,900 - You're a dumb doctor. - [gasps] 389 00:22:04,900 --> 00:22:06,500 And I can't date someone who's dumb. 390 00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:08,500 No matter how handsome and smart you are. 391 00:22:08,500 --> 00:22:11,834 You're breaking up with me? For being dumb? 392 00:22:11,834 --> 00:22:13,734 - Me? - That's right. 393 00:22:15,734 --> 00:22:16,800 All right. 394 00:22:18,500 --> 00:22:20,200 - I am dumb. - [London] Hm-hm. 395 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:22,100 Because I thought that was gonna be hard, 396 00:22:22,100 --> 00:22:24,600 - and you made it real easy. - [scoffing] Yeah. 397 00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:27,233 You're so dumb, I don't even know what you're talking about. 398 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:39,000 - [clearing throat] I've just gotta know something. - Hm? 399 00:22:40,100 --> 00:22:41,600 Would you ever go out with someone 400 00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:45,000 that worked in a sandwich shop and wrote stories and essays? 401 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:49,200 Including one that was good enough to win him this cruise? 402 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,133 That sounds like Justin Russo. [scoffing] 403 00:22:51,133 --> 00:22:53,200 I should've gone out with him instead of you. 404 00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:55,100 [gasps] I wonder where he is? 405 00:23:00,100 --> 00:23:01,900 Well, at least I had fun in the sun 406 00:23:01,900 --> 00:23:03,367 before I got stuck in that class. 407 00:23:03,367 --> 00:23:06,467 At least I got to go on a cruise I had no business being on. 408 00:23:06,467 --> 00:23:07,800 I'll see you when I get back. 409 00:23:12,767 --> 00:23:14,934 From east to west, this spell's no jest. 410 00:23:14,934 --> 00:23:17,100 Wherever we roam, send Harper back home. 411 00:23:18,834 --> 00:23:22,100 Oh! Wait, did I say roam or home first? 412 00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:24,200 Eh, she'll like Rome. 31971

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