All language subtitles for The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs S28E07 Suitable Flesh 720p AMZN WEB-DL DDP2 0 H 264-BFM_track3_[eng]

-♪ Hey, everybody,
have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in,
hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies,
so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties,
boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In"
show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time
with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with
the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

-Well, welcome to week two
of Joe Bob's summer school.

And I see enrollment hasn't
gotten any better.

Uh, this is sex education week.

So, Darcy,
what are you doing here?

I can't imagine you
would ever need sex education.

-You can always learn
something new.

-Well, we went through this
on Valentine's Day

because I lectured on fetishes,
you know?

And half way through,
you took over

and re-educated the entire world
on that subject.

-I do have a wealth
of knowledge on that.

-Yes.
You have a body of knowledge.

Yes, you do. Okay.

Um, I did a lot of intense
research for this course.

I burrowed down into the
literature on sex in America.

-You burrowed, did you?
-I burrowed my brains out

on sex in America,

because tonight's
movie is "Suitable Flesh."

And as you know,
it's about body swapping.

-Hell, yeah.

-And you're a fan of body
swapping?

-I'm a fan of all forms
of swapping.

-Okay, and it's about --

It's also about
gender switching.

-Yeah!
-[ Laughter ]

-You're a body swapping,
gender switcher?

-Well,
I'm definitely in favor of it.

-And I don't even know
what that is.

Anyway, as we all know, we no
longer live in a binary world.

In fact, people now put
the words non-binary

on their driver's license.

So we got male, we got female,
we got transgender,

we got gender neutral,
we got agender,

pangender genderqueer,
two spirit, third gender.

You know what all these are?
-Yeah, it's all good.

-Right, it's all good.
Vakasalewalewa.

Vakasalewalewa.
That's one of them.

-Gesundheit.

-You heard of that one?
-I don't think I have.

-Uh, that's the term
they use in Fiji for people

who are male at birth,

but they have a, quote,
"female gender expression."

But it does not mean gay.

It is specifically
a third gender

that's recognized
specifically in Fiji.

-Are you going to go through
all the genders

in every country?

-I am, we should do that.

-I feel like we shouldn't.
-Okay.

-Actually, I picked Fiji because
remember those stories of

how the stout American

and British whaling men
would set out from Nantucket

or wherever and go to
the South Pacific

and get all sexed up?

-Are these stories
I should know about?

-Actually, no,
they're not well known stories,

but there are
a few true stories

of whaling ships that end up on
South Pacific islands like Fiji.

And these family men
from New England

decide to just stay there,

or they come back
to New Bedford or wherever.

And they're useless.
They've become zombies.

They had some kind of kinky sex
in the South Pacific.

It was so good,
it's all they can think about.

And so they go crazy.

And they set out on a skiff
searching for their soulmate

on Easter Island.

And then they crash
into the rocks in Venezuela,

and their brains get dashed out,

and nobody ever knows
what happened to them.

-If no one knows
what happened to them,

then how do you know that?

-Well, I just made
the part up about dashing

on the rocks in Venezuela.

But anyway, the South Pacific
was known for sexual freedom,

and I guess it still is.

So how about xeno gender?
Do you know that one.

-Non-human gender identity.
-That is right!

Yeah, like animals and plants
and food.

Fascinating stuff.
Fornicating with plants and...

What if you're fixated on cacti?
Ooh! Ouch. You know.

Anyway, I wanted to mention
all that

because the characters
in suitable flesh

transmogrify into different
genders with different fetishes.

And the transmogrified in chief
is Joe Lynch, director --

Yeah, Joe is the director
of "Suitable Flash."

And I've appointed Joe as an
adjunct professor of perversity

at the Briggs High School
of Cinematic Arts tonight.

And, uh, just for tonight.

And he'll be out here
in a few minutes

to explain how the
sexual imagination works.

-Does he know that's
what he's going to do?

-No, he just knows
we're showing the movie

and we're going to interview
him.

But you know what we should do?

We should have gender sharing
among the mutant family tonight.

You know, um,
share your gender with us.

Share your gender with
Darcy The Mail Girl.

Be specific in your emails,
your tweets, your Insta.

Share your gender.
Or if you don't have a gender --

because that's a thing, too.

That would make you
a neutrois -- genderless.

So we'll accept neutrois
as a non-gender gender.

-How many genders
do you think there are?

-There are thousands
of genders.

Unless you live in Florida.

Florida has two genders, by law.
But bad news

if you're a high femme
or a demi girl in Florida,

you know, you're going
to have to

either re-gender yourself
or move to Alabama.

Now, one thing you should not do
is send us homemade porn.

-And --
-I mean, you don't speak

for me, okay?
-Don't do it!

-I don't know
why people do that,

but it's extremely dangerous.

And I'm going to reveal
why in just a moment.

But first, I wanted to clear up
the history of homemade porn.

People think Rob Lowe invented
home video sex tapes.

Home video sex tapes
were not invented by Rob Lowe.

And actually,
now that I think about it,

Rob should be ashamed of himself
because anybody who's,

you know, been around
that many movie sets should know

how to light his own body
better than that.

Rob looked like a hunk

of protoplasm demonstrating
cell division or something.

I thought I was watching
a junior high science film.

-Now I need to see this.
-Anyone even remember

the Rob Lowe sex tape?
Nobody remembers that today

because there was no sex
in the Rob Lowe sex tape.

It was just a couple of knees

occasionally popping
up on either side of his butt.

Anyway, the difference
today from Rob Lowe

is that everybody does it today,

and occasionally,
you'll see a blog

or a feature article from
some writer who seems amazed,

you know, if not shocked,
to learn that, quote,

"ordinary couples are spicing
up their sex lives with

a home movie camera."

You know, why do they always
assign these articles

to the most naive person
on the staff?

Or to put it another way,

why do they assign the article
to somebody who is such a liar

that he'll act
shocked about something

that doesn't really surprise him
in the least?

I have never met a true newsman

who didn't know all
485 positions of the Kama Sutra

and the home phone numbers
of at least seven pimps.

So don't they teach that
in journalism school anymore?

You know, how to get a pimp
to talk to you?

Anyhow, after they're finished
with their astounding

discoveries about the number
of people willing to get naked

in front of a camera,

they go straight to experts
to explain the phenomena,

psychiatrists
and psychologists

and sexual researchers, and
they always say the same thing.

"Well, anything you know,

anything
that both parties desire

and agree to will add spice
to a marriage."

And then later on
in the article,

one or two of the psychologists
will say, "Of course,

these things sometimes go sour."

So I want to scream at him,

"Okay, Mr. Super Shrink,
which is it?

You know, spice or sour?
Make up your gal darn mind."

It can obviously be both!
It can be anything.

But since we're all
about democratizing all aspects

of sexuality on this show,
I think that's what we're doing.

Is that what we're doing?
We're democratizing?

-Let's say yes.
-Okay.

I'm going to give out
some pointers on

how to make sure
that your home sex movie kills

at the box office.

So, Darcy,
feel free to chime in

since you have much better
inside information

on this than I do.

-I'm happy to tell you
where you're wrong,

mistaken, and/or deluded.

-Okay,
I know you will do that.

Okay. That's your job.
-Thank you.

-Numero uno,

as a nation,
we are big people.

We are in fact
the fattest people on earth

according to the United Nations.

That means you need
to check for jiggle in advance.

A video camera adds
about 10 pounds to your body,

and the last thing you
or anybody else wants to see

is Holstein Jubilee.
All right? Darcy, any comment?

-Uh, you know,
larger can be hot.

Curves are cool.

It depends what
you're going for.

-Okay, I'm just saying,
if you're trying to put yourself

into a traditional
sexual position,

like in a traditional porn film,

and you want to look ripped
or slim, do some gym work first.

-Fair.
-Okay.

Numero two-o, road map skin.

Actors wear makeup.
Even porno actors wear makeup.

Unless you intend
to put on body makeup,

you might end up looking at the
video later and saying, "Martha,

is that a lizard on your leg?"

So would you concur, Darcy?

-I would, but also a good
spray tan

can help with a lot of problems.

-Okay. Spray tan, number two.
All right.

Numero three-o.
Having sex is dramatic.

Watching two people having sex

is more often comedic
than dramatic,

especially when they make
unexplained weird noises.

Don't do any acting
while you're doing this,

unless you have first enrolled
in the Actor's Studio

and studied for five years

and then had a member of the
Writers Guild of America West

write your script.
Okay, Darcy?

-Just be natural.
Like whatever.

-All right.
Numero four-o,

this is very important.

You're going to have to choose
between Skinemax,

Playboy and Hustler.

You see where I'm going here,
Darcy?

-Uh, penetration?

-Penetration?
Well, not just penetration.

Most people, I would guess,
want to stick with Cinemax.

The bodies are stuck together,

but you're not seeing
how they're stuck together.

All right?

The next step after that
is you do see

how they're stuck together,

but you don't see
the actual genitals.

That would be
the Playboy video mode.

Okay.

And then if you're
going to go full bore Hustler,

you're going to need
a mop later,

if you know what I mean,
and I think you do.

-Honestly, it's harder to do
the Skinemax max version

than the Hustler version,
in my opinion.

-You know,
you mentioned that before.

What is the difficulty
with doing a Skinemax movie?

-Well, one, you have to act
like you're like

having an orgasm.
-Yeah.

-Even though, like,
nothing's happening, it's like,

"Oh, my God, it's so hot."

But then they can keep
you there for like, hours

and have you do it over
and over again versus like,

porn, you got a time limit.
-Really?

-So the Skinemax
directors keep the actors...

-Keep going, keep going.
-...for hours and hours

and hours.
"Do that again. Do that again."

All right.
-Yes.

So the point is, don't get
caught in a Skinemax position

if you're going full Hustler.

So camera placement is key
on these things.

-Yes.
-All right.

And then the final rule
for making a home sex video,

sooner or later,
if you do this long enough,

you're going to text
to the wrong person.

You're going to duplicate
the wrong file.

You're going to have this
saved somewhere in the Cloud,

and Jerry is going to come over
from next door

to watch the replay
of the 49ers game.

You're going to hit
the remote and whammo!

There's Wally and the beef,

spread eagle on
a 45 inch screen.

And it's not
that Jerry won't forgive you.

And it's not that Jerry
will see your spouse buck naked.

It's that Jerry will see
youbuck naked,

and he'll never be
able to get it out of his memory

for the rest of his life.

So if you can deal with all five

of these potentially
soul crushing outcomes,

then you're ready to post
on Pornhub.

So naked and proud.

-Heck yeah!
-All right.

And speaking of
highly inappropriate

-sexual encounters...
-Heck yeah.

-Calm down, Darcy.

"Suitable Flesh" is the latest
flick from Joe Lynch,

the director of "Mayhem",
who tried to take me down

but failed after I slammed some

of his outlandish
directorial choices.

And he's here tonight
to get his revenge.

But he will fail
in that attempt.

-All righty. Wow.
-"Suitable Flesh"

is some of Joe's best work.

It's the sensitive story
of a psychoanalyst

who feels herself strangely
attracted to a boyish lad

who busts into her office,

begging her to kill his father
because his dad has taken

control of his body
and his mind.

But little does she know that
she's headed for a padded cell

herself after she gets
all orgasmic in her head

while fantasizing about the kid

while actually aardvarking
with her studly husband,

then breaks
into the young guy's house

on a mission to either save him,
find out what's up

with his father,
or get some more hot nookie.

Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it
with the gender switched

H.P. Lovecraft sex demon jumping
around the cast

like one of those Viagra victims
with a 12 hour erection?

I think not.

So let's look at those drive
in totals and get started.

We have one breast.
-Whoo!

-So let's start with that.

Joe, how do you make
a 98 minute sex movie

with one breast in it?!

Have you been to the drive in?

Have you seen
a Shannon Tweed movie?

All right. Sorry. One breast.
-Whoo!

-Three dead bodies,

one demon octopus, bullet
to the forehead with splatter.

One ceremonial dagger
to the throat.

One ceremonial dagger
to the cranium.

One window plunge.

The technical term for a
window plunge is defenestration.

Multiple frenzied stabbing,
crawling mangled corpse.

One anxious Miskatonic student.

Multiple out-of-body
orgasmic meltdowns.

Smoke ring blowing,
implied Necronomicon reading.

Mind transference.

Inappropriate
doctor-patient relationships.

Excellent body swap
transformation effects.

Head rolls. Hypnosis fu.
Back up camera fu.

Scalpel fu.
Drive In Academy Award

nominations for Heather Graham

for kinking it up
with her husband,

her patient, and a demon.

Judah Lewis for kinking it up
with everything that moves,

including himself.
Barbara Crampton for producing

and going medieval
in the final act,

and Joe Lynch for being
a pervert with a camera,

and also Dennis Paoli

for writing this script
for Stuart Gordon

many years ago
and then updating it

for H.P. Lovecraft
lovers everywhere.

Four stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.

All right.

Have you ever been to the Museum
of Sex in New York City, Darcy?

-I have not.
-No?

-Mosex, they call it.

That's a great name.
Let's go to Mosex.

You know, who can turn that
down?

Anyway, I haven't been there
for a while,

but there used to be,
at the entrance to Mosex,

they had this white sculpture
of a dead hooker

crumpled up on her bed.

And it makes you go, "Whoa,

what am I getting into here
in this museum?"

But it's supposedly
the body of Helen Jewett,

who was the most famous dead
prostitute in New York history.

And what happened was
this young dandy --

we used to call him dandies.

You know, uh,
well-dressed young guy.

Uh, this dandy was attempting
to get his love letters back

from the hooker

because he wanted to get
married to a society girl.

Things got ugly.

And he didn't just kill her.
He set her on fire.

And that led to sort of a trial
of the century kind of thing,

with people wondering
whether he would get off

getting the death penalty
because he was rich, and he did.

The jury acquitted him
in 15 minutes,

but everybody knew
that he'd done it.

-Wow. When was this?
-This was in the 1830s.

It's like an historic case.

And she wasn't
a streetwalker, either.

She was a high class
brothel girl.

And you had to make
reservations to be with her.

-So it's very interesting,
but is it relevant to the movie?

-Well, it's relevant because
the point I wanted to make

is Mosex knows what they're
doing with these exhibits,

because they proceed from the
assumption that -- A --

sex is messy, and -- B --
the messier it gets,

the more interesting it is.
-Agreed.

-So anyway,
the murderer was acquitted,

but he had to leave town,
so he spent the rest of his life

running a saloon in
Nacogdoches, Texas.

Because if you're a murderer
or any kind of lowlife,

really, and you need to hide,
you go to Texas automatically.

I mean,
that's just where you go.

We're famous for that.

-Gotta be famous
for something.

-Yeah, that's why you never ask
anybody in Texas,

"Where are you from?"
That's very rude

because they're from someplace
that got kicked out of.

[ Laughter ]

-Texas.

[Static crackles]

[Bell ringing]

[Static crackles]

[Door opens]

[Footsteps]

-I heard he came
in pretty messed up.

-We're about to find out.

♪

-It's impossible to tell that
to a person,

much less who it is.

-Well...

You wanted a look see.

-He was beautiful once.

-They all look pretty much
the same on the inside.

[Zipping]

You know, Doctor,
I don't envy you,

having to work with these
when they're still alive.

-He wasn't one of mine.

-Well, they all end up
one of mine eventually.

-Cute.

[Sighs]

-Hey, Dr. Upton.

Did I hear they got
Dr. Derby down here?

-I'm afraid so.

-You be careful now.

You know,
my old man used to say,

"Friends are the most
dangerous."

-Oh, why is that?

-Because they're friends.

-Yeah.

[Indistinct chatter]

[Pounding on door]

Heads up, gentlemen.

♪

♪

♪

-[Whispering] Cut off the head,
cut off the head.

Destroy the body.

[Continues indistinctly]

-Did they cremate the body?
Is he dead?

Really dead?

-They start
the autopsy in a few minutes.

-No, no, no, no, no, no.
-Hey, hey, whoa, whoa.

-He can still get me.
-He's dead.

You made sure of that.
-Dani.

Dani, I need you
to believe me.

-Beth, control yourself.

[Panting]

-Let her go.

-Ma'am, she's dangerous.

-She's my patient.

-I'm your friend.

I know how this sounds,
but if he does it again,

it's forever.

-Give us a minute.

Who exactly is he?

-We can't go through this again.

We don't have time.
I don't have time.

-You must recognize
your symptoms.

-Yes. Paranoid schizophrenia.

But how could you understand
unless it happened to you?

-Okay, tell me
from the beginning.

-I thought I had everything.

A successful practice.

An ideal husband.

A suitable life.

Until that thing
knocked at my door,

I thought I was in control.

-She thinks I'm weak.

-What do you think?

-I think she has no idea
how hard it is.

-Hard how?
-The urge.

I try to control it,
but I just give in.

-So it's your weakness?

-You don't have to
put words in my mouth.

-I'm afraid we
ran out of time.

-She makes me feel like
a street corner drug addict.

I'm not a junkie.
I'm an English professor.

-Well, let's discuss it
next session.

-Look, I will have beaten this
by then, Doctor. Okay?

Just...

They want me to perish.
All of them.

My colleagues,
the Dean, my wife.

I'm not who they think I am.

-Well, until the next chapter,
Professor.

-Right. Thank you.

[Door opens, closes]

♪

♪

-Dammit.

[Knocking]

[Knocking]

-Oh, Can I help you?

-You're Dr. Elizabeth Derby?

-Yes.
-Can I talk to you, please?

-I'm sorry, you can
make an appointment

with my service.
-Please.

I need your help.

[Gasps]

-Did you forget something,
Professor?

-Carry on.
[Clears throat]

-Sorry.

-It's all right.
Why are you here?

-I'm a student at Miskatonic.
I read your book.

-Which one?

-The one on the out-of-body
experiences.

-As a symptom
of schizophrenia?

-I was outside my body.

-Come in.

-Sit down.
-Thanks.

-What's your name?

-Asa Waite.

-The first thing you should
know is that you're not alone.

-No, I am.

No one understands.

-You'd be surprised.
A lot of psych students think

they see symptoms of what
they're studying

in their own behavior,
but it doesn't mean

that you have a problem.

-No, I didn't
read it for school.

I read it because
it happened to me.

-That's okay. You can get that.

-I know this sounds crazy,
but I-I'm afraid to talk to him.

-To whom?
-I don't know how it happens,

but it felt like he did it.

Like he has this power over me.

-Who has a power over you,
Mr. Waite?

-He wants to do it again.
If know it.

-Wants what?

-He wants...

my body.

-Who is this person
that you're afraid of?

[Cellphone buzzes]

-Um, my father, he...

he's looking for me.

Can you come home with me?

-I'm sorry, but I don't
go to clients' homes.

-It's not far. Just at the end
of High Street. Number 33.

Please.

-Let me call the psychiatric
department at Miskatonic.

I can tell them
that it's an emergency.

[Cellphone buzzing]

-It's him.

No, no, I won't talk to you.
Okay? You --

You have to stop it.

I've gone to see someone.

Someone to help me.

No. No. No. No.

-Asa? Asa?

-[Groans]

[Groans, screams]

Help.

[Groans]

[Bones cracking]

[Screams]

[Bones cracking]

[Sighs]

-How are you feeling?

-Like shit.

You're a doctor.

-Well, that's why you're here.

-[Chuckles]

-Whoa, take it easy.

-Am I stricken?

-What do you mean?

-Uh, am I...ill?

-Do you remember
our conversation, Mr. Waite?

-Well, it depends.
What did I say?

-Well, that you had
an out-of-body experience.

-You know, you shouldn't
believe any young cunt

when he talks crazy.

-Do you often talk crazy?

-Believe the appropriate
response to that

is it's none
of your fucking business.

You wouldn't happen
to have a cigarette, would you?

-This is a medical office.
There's no smoking.

-Jesus Christ.

You know, sometimes I just
fucking hate the modern world.

-You said you needed help.
I want to help you.

-Perhaps.

Someday.

-I'll waive my fee.
It won't cost you anything.

This is my personal number.

-Well that's -- that's
very forward of, Dr. Derby.

-Well, I want to help you, Asa.

Um...

Excuse me.

-I'm not so sure you can.

Yet.

But I'll keep that door open.

Just in case.

-Watching him leave,
I was shocked,

but I couldn't
shake him from my thoughts.

And then I broke our
profession's most sacred rule.

I took my work home with me.

It's definitely
multiple personality disorder.

The most dramatic case
I've ever seen.

He transitions through seizures
and extreme somatic symptoms.

-Oh. I'd love a glass.
Thanks, doc.

-Sorry, hon.

I think he's terrified
of some male figure.

Early child abuse
is the classic cause of MPD.

-But he's not a patient?
-Not yet.

But he could be the subject
of a major case study.

But he needs help.

-Well, how was your day, Edward?
Oh, you know, just fine.

I woke up, I worked out.

I had three job interviews
with bro bosses half my age.

Cried in the car, I came home
and found a modicum of solace

in this branzino before thee.

-I'm sorry. You're right.
[Sighs]

How was your day, Eddie?

-Oh, it's okay. You listen
to people talk all day.

I'm sure there's something else
we can figure out.

I've come a long way
from the ocean.

Will you find a new home for me?

In your belly? In your belly.

-Stop.

-Eat me.

[Laughter]

-Stop.

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Moaning]

♪

[Moaning]

♪

[Panting]

♪

[Panting]

♪

-[Sighs]

[Door opens]

[Keys clatter, seatbelt clicks]

[Engine starts]

-Please. I need your help.

I'm not so sure you can.

I was outside my body.

I don't know how it happens,
but it felt like he did it.

My father.

He wants my body.

Can you come home with me?

It's not far. Just at the end
of High Street, number 33.

But I'll keep that door open.
Just in case.

Please.

[Dialing]

-Driving to 33 High Street.

-So what compelled you
to go to the house?

-I know how it sounds, but I
really couldn't control myself.

My mind was drawn to him.

[Doorbell rings]

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Excuse me, sir.

-[Snoring]
-Are you all right?

-[Screams]
-[Gasps]

-[Gasping]

-Can you tell me what's wrong?

-Pills. Pills pocket.

[Groaning]

You have a serious
heart condition, Mr. Waite.

-Oh, well, thank you for the
obvious diagnosis, Dr. Derby.

-You know who I am.

-I recognize your likeness
from your book.

I figured you'd come.

-Well, then you know
I'm looking for Asa.

He told you he came to see me.
Is he here?

-He ran off days ago.

-You don't sound very upset
about him being missing.

-Well, in my own defense,

the boy's never been
much earthly use.

-Is that what children are for?
To be used?

-That's what everyone's for.
Except me.

Well, now I'm no damn use
at all since I was stricken.

-Stricken?
Do you mean you had a stroke?

-Yeah, I had a stroke
and heart attack and cancer.

And I beat them all.

[Sighs]

-What is this book?

-Oh, it's entitled
"None of Your Fucking Business."

[Chuckles] Oh, look at you.
You moved right in. Yes.

Take over. You assume
you deserve my respect.

-Asa came to me for help.

He is a seriously
troubled young man.

He needs clinical care.

-[Coughing, gagging]

[Groans]

[Sighs]

Make no mistake, my flesh and
blood are finally failing me.

But my mind is still sharper
than a serpent's tooth.

In spite of a thankless child
and my eyesight,

I still -- I appreciate
a fine figure when I see one.

-Listen to me, sir.
It is dangerous in Asa's state

to be left unsupervised,
and given your condition --

-Don't you worry about me
and my boy.

You just tend
to your own affairs.

-If Asa comes back,
have him call me

if you care about him at all.

-Of course I care about him!
He's my son.

He's...

He's my salvation.

-Listen to me, friend.

I just need to make
one phone call.

-Well, Doctor.

Dr. Derby,
this house call is over.

[Coughs]

[Groans]

-[Gasps]

-Get out! Get out!

♪

♪

[Static crackles]

-So the blood
from Heather Graham's hand

drips down on to the
Necronomicon,

and, well,
it's not the Necronomicon.

It's some kind of spooky book,
though, with Cthulhu in it,

because Heather, in the form
of Dr. Elizabeth Derby,

has been corrupted.

There's always an early scene
in a Lovecraft story

where one of the main characters

get screwed up mentally
by something

that can't be explained,

but we kind of know what it is
because we're perverts.

You ever done that, Darcy?

-Done what?

-You're having sex
with one person

and you're visualizing
another person.

-Oh, my God, of course.

And not just people.
Like, things.

-You visualize things
while you're having sex?

-You know, like, I don't know,

like the "Revenge of the Mummy",
right?

-You've you've envisioned --
-Don't judge me.

-Is "Revenge of the Mummy"
an orgasmic ride at universal?

-Definitely.

-Anyway, it's kind of brutal
when she's aardvarking

and with her husband
And she turns cougar

in the middle so she can,

you know,
ride the barely legal Asa.

But then every scene
she's in so far

seems to have some underlying
sexual charge to it,

plus she's already done six
or seven things

that could get her brought up
on ethics charges

before the Sigmund Freud Board
of Shrinks.

So I'm surprised she
still has her therapy license.

But why am I prattling on

when we have the kinky director
of "Suitable Flesh"

waiting in the wings?

You know him from "Mayhem."

You know him
from the Twitter wars.

You know him as that guy

who's always hanging around
with Adam Green.

I've made him
an adjunct professor

of sex education tonight.
Here he is, Mr. Joe Lynch!

[ Cheers and applause ]

-All right.
-Well, well, well.

We meet again.

-Yes, we meet again.
-Hello, Darcy.

-Hi.

-Also, the scarabs
on the mummy ride.

-Hot, right? So hot.
-Cinna-boner.

-He gets it.
-All right, Joe,

you look like an orderly
at Miskatonic Medical School.

-Funny you should say that.

Just without the mustache.

-Yeah, that's the role
you wanted, right?

It was the uniform of the guy
whose constantly, you know,

putting crazy people
into headlocks.

That's what you wanted to play
in the movie.

-Exactly.
You do your research.

-Yeah, I did,
so, Joe, you're here tonight

because you're a pervert.

-I mean, is that
the only qualification you need?

I should have been on --

-Many times, right?
-Yeah.

-Here's the reason I say that.
-Okay.

-There were many producers
in studio executives

over the years who
were asked to make this movie.

And even though
it was written by Dennis Paoli,

and even though it was going to
be directed by Stuart Gordon,

um, the reason they they gave

that they didn't want to make
it was too perverted, too sexy.

But then you showed up and said,
"I can go there."

So congratulations.

-I just needed to drop
my pants and say, "green light."

That's all you need.

-All right,
so tell me how this happened.

What's the genesis
of this movie?

-We were all in lockdown
learning how to make bread

and, you know,
write that screenplay

you really always
wanted to write.

And I got an email
from Barbara Crampton,

who I had just,
um, met a couple, uh,

bars ago or whatever.

And, you know, Barbara is
very social and everything.

-And Barbara Crampton
was the star of "Re-Animator"

and "From Beyond", the original
two, Stuart Gordon,

H.P. Lovecraft --
-She's an icon.

-Yeah.
-And she's been on the show.

-Right.
-And she and, uh, Dennis Paoli

had been on this email,
and they just sent me this thing

and said,
"What do you think?"

Now, I knew about
"The Thing on the Doorstep"

script, because, um,

Stuart used to be at
these Masters of Horror dinners,

and Mick Garris would
kind of get all

these horror directors together,
and, you know,

you're sitting there with, like,

there's Wes Craven and
John Landis and Tobe Hooper

and me and Adam Green.

We were the masturbators
of horror.

We were off on the corner
on the kid's table.

Um, but he would talk about
"The Thing on the Doorstep",

and this was his, like, getting
the band back together script.

-That's the name of the script
that you're about to look at.

"The Thing on the Doorstep."
-Yep.

-Okay, but you had
never read it until --

-Never read it.
-He called you?

-I was just excited as a fan

to see another
Stuart Gordon movie.

And unfortunately,
he died in 2020.

And about six weeks later,
during the pandemic,

I got this email,
and it was just Barbara saying,

"Take a look at this
and see what you think."

And I mean, I was so excited
as a fan of Stuart Gordon's

to read this thing.

And I read it and I went,
"Wow. Holy crap."

It's back
in the Miskatonic world.

It's back with Lovecraft.
They want me to do it.

It felt --
It was very surreal.

The only thing about the script
that was a little bit like,

I don't know if this
would work for the times,

was the fact that
in the original Lovecraft story,

it was two men,

and I was working with the
new writing partner at the time,

and we were kind of going back
and forth,

and we both
came up with this idea,

why don't we switch the genders?

Because that's what --
-You wanted to be woke?

-No, I wanted to be
dangerous again.

Because you know what?

In 1995, you can do that script
with Michael Douglas,

and it would be
box office bonanza.

-Yeah.
-This, I was like,

"I don't know if we can get --"

And you know this very,
very well, Joe Bob, you know,

in the woke world, you got to
be a little careful with

how you approach the
woke generation, if you will.

-And so you wanted to switch
the whole thing?

You wanted to turn
the whole thing upside down

and make it two women
instead of two men

and reverse all
the gender roles.

-Exactly, and that just made
it feel more like what Stuart --

-And what did Barbara say
to that?

-"We'll get back to you."

-"We'll get back to you"?

She didn't go for that?

Barbara is a producer,
people should know.

Barbara Crampton
produces movies, too.

And she brings
money to the table.

-Exactly, but she was only going
to be a producer on this

because I even said like,
you know,

"Would you want to be involved
in this?"

She says, "No, no, no, I just
want to be behind the camera."

Once we got the cast,
she was like, "Oh, I can't,

I can't miss out
on the opportunity to do this."

-Yeah.

-But Dennis was
on the email, as well,

and he said,
"Let me think about it.

And then about I think
it was like

three or four weeks later,
we got a script back,

and it was a new draft
where he didn't just go in

and just change Daniel to
Daniela and Edward to Elizabeth.

He dove into it further,
and with the themes, with the,

you know,
the gender identity idea of it,

the fluid sexuality,

it just kind of like
opened up a whole new world

of possibilities.

-Okay.

All right, well, don't say
anything else because,

you know,
we're early in the movie,

and any of your answers
are likely to include spoilers,

but you have always been a big
fan of erotic thrillers, right?

-Oh, yes. I mean, who isn't?

-What's the best
erotic thriller in your opinion?

-That depends on --
-Best ever.

-Best ever?
-Yes.

-"Basic Instinct." No.
Mm. "Dressed to Kill."

No, wait. "Body Double."

No, wait. Hold on.

"Body Chemistry"
with Mark Singer.

-"Body Chemistry"
with Mark Singer?!

-And you know which
one I'm talking about.

-More than "Body Heat"?

-"Body Heat" is good, too.
"Last Seduction."

-There's too many.
-"Body Heat" is slow paced.

I'm not a "Body Heat" fan.

Really?
"Body Double", though.

-"Body Double."
I'll give you that one.

-All erotic thrillers --

I mean,
would you agree with this?

Erotic thrillers have
about three plots, you know,

and they all
come from James M. Cain.

They all
come from James M. Cain novels.

You know, you take the three
plots of

the James M. Cain novels,
and that's erotic thrillers.

And so maybe that's
why erotic thrillers died out,

is that they'd made
all the stories.

-But don't you think
that erotic thrillers were

just film noir
with more aardvarking?

-Well, yeah, it was
film noir carved down into

it's just the sex.

It's just about the sex.
-Nothing wrong with that.

-But, um, the reason I ask you
is that you went sexy sax

with the Heather Graham
sex scene.

You had the old sexy sax
from the '90s,

you know, and I'm an
I'm an old tenor sax player,

so, in fact,

I'm surprised you
didn't just use the intro

to "Careless Whisper."

You know, you could have.

-We couldn't afford it.

-You couldn't afford
"Careless Whisper."

So, all right,
who played your sexy sax?

Let's give him credit.

-Our sexy sax was done
by none other than Steve Moore,

the composer of "Mayhem"
and "The Guest" and "Cub."

He's also in the band Zombie.

And I knew he was
a very good sax player.

So I just threw it
out there and said,

"If I can't get Tim Cappello..."

-You wanted to get Tim Cappello
for the sexy sax?

-We tried, and he was like,
"That's too sexy for you guys.

I'm sorry."

[Laughter]

-But I knew that Steve was
a big sax player and, um,

and I said, "Let's just do it.
Fuck it. Let's just go for it."

I will say this. All but one
of our producers like the idea.

And that one producer who did
not like it

was Barbara Crampton.

-Really?
She didn't want sexy sax?

-Not a fan. We had to --

It wasn't until we premiered
the movie that she went,

"All right, sexy sax."

-You know, maybe that's

why they're making you do the
Skinemax scenes for five hours.

-All that sexy sax music.
-Well, they got to --

They got to make room
for all the sexy sax in there.

-Makes sense.

-All right,
before we get back to the movie,

oh, one more thing.
How great is Bruce Davison?

-He is a god. Like, knowing --

-As the father.

-As Ephraim Waite.
-Yeah.

-He was only on set
for two or three days,

but, I mean, the guy has
the best stories in the world

because he's been
on every single set.

He had stories about "Close
Encounters of the Third Kind"

that will blow your mind.
-Yeah.

Five decade career,
still at it, you know.

All right, I want to get
into Cthulhu at the next break.

Are you Cthulhu literate?
Do you know about Cthulhu?

-I mean, I have it
blazoned on my tit.

-Okay. You do? Okay.
Cthulhuscope.

Um, you put
a strangely Cthulhu like book

in the scene
that we just watched.

And you dripped blood.
-The Kekranomicon.

-The what?
-The Kekranomicon.

-The what?
-The Kekana.

We can't use Necronomicon,

so we had to change it
a little bit.

-Why can't you
use Necronomicon?

-Sam Raimi.

-Oh, okay.
-Bastard.

-So you dripped blood on to
the open pages

of the Kekranomicon?
-Yeah, sure.

[ Laughter ]

-Okay, well, we're going to
test you on Cthulhu knowledge.

So back to the movie.
This is a very kinky movie.

-Thank you.
-Joe.

You know, you're among
friends here, Joe.

You know,
Darcy is the web mistress

of a site called Kinky Horror.

-I've been on there a few times.
-You have?

We really want to know
how kinky you are, Joe.

-Start asking away.
-We won't judge.

I mean,
the mutant family won't judge.

Everybody here in the studio

won't judge, several million
people at home will not judge.

Um, where do you sit
on the freak scale?

1 to 10.
Where do you sit?

-12.
-12?

All right.

And how much did you lie
just now about that?

-Zero.
-Okay.

-My wife's here, so, you know,
you can ask her next.

-All right.
We will be asking her that.

All right. So that kind of
scares me, Joe, actually.

[ Laughter ]

[Bell ringing]

[Static crackles]

-So I went back to my life,
and I tried to focus on my work.

But something wouldn't let me.

-And then the other day
I was shaking and sweating.

I-I couldn't see straight.
I wanted to...

-You wanted to what?

-[Sighs] I wanted to hit him.

-But you didn't?
-No.

In my mind, I hit him.

And I did it again and again.
And I liked it.

I mean, I love him.

I really like thinking
about beating him.

[Sighs] What do I do?

-We could try hypnosis.

-Will it stop the urges?

-It could.

Do I have your consent,
Mr. Crawley?

Okay.

Breathe regularly.
Clear your mind.

-Am I going to lose
consciousness or control?

-It's just
a relaxation technique.

Now look at this pen.
Really look at it.

Look at the light
shining off of it.

Let your mind float free.

Drifting up towards the ceiling.

Your mind is floating
out of your body.

Now you are alone.

Alone with the person you love.

How do you feel?

-He doesn't love me.

He can't.

I hate him.

I want to hit him.

-The tighter you
clench your hand,

the less you feel
the urge to hate.

Do you feel it subsiding?

-Yes, I do.

[Knocking]

-Doctor.
-Asa.

-I tried to run away.
I tried to escape from him.

-I have a client.
Just wait here.

-He wants my body.

-Your father?
What did he do to you?

-You saw what he did.
-Saw what?

-You were there
in your office.

Okay? You -- You saw it happen.

-I'm taking you to Miskatonic,

and then we're
calling the police.

-You don't believe me?

-I can't fight him.
I can't do it, okay?

That old, sick body, I...
I'd rather die.

-You don't mean that.

-But he's stealing my life.

-Then he'll have
to steal mine, too.

I'm glad you came back.
Stay here.

Oh, dammit.

Your stress is gone.
Your mind is clear.

Your body is relaxed,
drifting down,

back into your body.

When I tap three times,
you'll return to consciousness.

-[Sighs] Okay, I'm ready.

-I'm sorry,
but there's been an emergency.

I need to escort a patient
to the hospital immediately.

-I don't feel any different.

-We'll do a follow up
next time.

Just remember when you feel
the urge to violence,

just make a fist.

Make a fist.

Now, please excuse me.

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

-Long day, doc?

-Difficult day.

-You want to talk
about it pro bono?

-I can't.
Patient-client privilege.

You know how it goes.

-Would you like
a roll in ze hay?

-I wish. I have some notes
I have to make.

I'm going to be up for a while.

-Well, you know, I can't sleep
very well without you.

-Mm. I can prescribe
you something for that.

-So can I.

[Cellphone rings]

Oh, no.

-Oh, I should.
It might be a patient.

Yes.
-Doctor!

-Asa?
-Is that him?

-Please. Please.
I can't stop him.

-Asa, call the police.

-Police?
-Where are you?

-Home, home.
-Asa? Asa?

[Beeping]

Oh.

I have to go. It's an emergency.

-What kind of emergency?
No, you --

You call the police,
you let them handle it.

You're just his doctor.
-No, but, Eddie, it's my job.

-It's not your job
I'm worried about.

-It's going to be okay.

You're sweet.
I'll be right back.

[Door opens]

-Asa!

[Door closes]

Asa!

Asa?

Asa?

Mr. Waite?

Where are your pills?

-[Line ringing]
-911. What's your emergency?

-Hello. This is
a medical emergency.

Someone is having a heart --
-No!

[Glass shatters]

-What are you doing?
-Help me. Not him.

-He's dying!
-Good.

He has to stop it.

-Asa, give me the knife.

This is not you. This is --
This is him, not you.

Give me the knife.

Do you want to go to jail
for the rest of your life?

Give me the knife.

-Please, please, please,
just let me kill him.

-Where are his pills?
-No.

-Give me the pills.

-Stop.
-Give me the pills.

Give me the pills.
-Let it go.

-Let him -- let him die.
Let him die, please.

Oh, my God.

Is he -- is he dead?

How long?

How long does the brain live
after the body dies?

-It's over.

Whatever pain he caused you,
whatever he did to you,

your father can't
hurt you anymore.

-That's not my father, okay?

It's stole my father's life,
and now it wants mine.

-We're going to call the police,

and then we're going
to get you help.

-No. No, no!
You can't call the police.

Cut off his head.
Cut out his brain!

-He has no power over you
except in your mind.

-His -- His mind.
You don't understand.

His mind has the power!

That day we met.
That day we met in your office.

That was --
That was the second time.

If it happens again,
then it's over, it's over.

It always comes in threes.

-I can help you.
Let me help you.

-No. Then help me
cut his head off

and -- and burn him.

Okay? If he could speak,
if he says it one more time...

[Groans]

-No. No!

-[Groans]

[Speaking foreign language]

-[Gagging]

[Groans]

[Groans]

[Bones cracking]

[Groans]

[Sighs]

-Asa. You had a seizure.

-A seizure?

You could call it that.

-Do you remember what happened?

I thought he was dead.

-Oh, he's dead all right.

-We have to report
what happened,

and then I want to take you
to the hospital for observation.

-What is it you'd like
to observe?

-Well, Asa, man died.

-You doctors are all the same.

You ask a lot of questions,

but you don't like
answering them, do you?

-Have you seen
a lot of other doctors?

-Doctors. Healers.

Potion dealers.

Lots and lots of priests.

-Well, do they explain
why this happens to you?

Why you forget who you are?

-No. The devil makes me do it.

-I think you change
personalities to escape the pain

and the rage you feel
because of what he did to you.

-And you came to save me,
didn't you?

My hero.

-What you're experiencing
is called transference.

You're transferring
the feelings

you couldn't express
to your father to your doctor.

To me.

-Then I must have really
wanted to fuck my old man.

-Well, uh, I'm going
to go get help.

I want you to come with me.

-And I want to come inside you.

-[Sighs] Don't make it worse.

-Then let me make it better.

-You don't understand
what you're doing.

-Oh, I know exactly
what I'm doing.

♪

[Moaning]

♪

[Moaning]

♪

[Panting]

♪

[Moaning]

♪

-I'm gonna come.

Oh, oh!

-Give yourself to me.

[Moaning]

Come on.

Come on.

-[Moaning]

-Come on!

-[Gasps]

[Panting]

[Bones cracking]

[Gasping]

[Sighs]

-Interesting.

Yes.

This is a magnificent body.

It suits me. It suits me well.

Yes.

I want it.
I want your body very much.

Oh.

-[Groans]

[Groans]

[Bones cracking]

-[Gasping]

[Gasps]

[Panting]

What -- What just happened?

-The first time is always
the most painful.

And quickest.

I promise it gets easier.

-No, but I was in your body.

-I was in yours.

-No, no, I don't mean
it like that. I mean, my...

My mind was in your body.

-Well, I guess then...

if anybody ever tells you
to go fuck yourself,

you can tell them you have.

-We have to figure out
what happened.

-You will, Doctor.
You will.

Shit! Petulant child!

Asa, come back here!

-[Gasps]

-Help.
-[Gasps]

-Help me!

-[Screams]
-It's me!

-[Screams]
-It's me!

-[Gasps]
-It's Asa!

-Get off me!

-[Gagging]

-[Screams]

[Gasps]

[Skin tearing]

[Knife plunging]

-Asa! Asa!

[Thuds]

[Gasps]

-Help me!

Help me!
-[Screams]

-Too much?

-And that's when
I went to see you.

-I didn't grasp how bad it was.

You were frantic, hallucinating.

I just thought...

Sounds like you had
an out of body experience.

Yes. No.

I felt his -- his mind
going into my body.

It was pain like
I've never felt before.

-Of course it was painful.

You felt guilty about
your feelings for this patient

because you love your husband

and because you're
a dedicated doctor.

So you projected your ego
on to one of the people

you felt you'd wronged.

Your patient.

Hell, Beth, you wrote the book.

-Okay, maybe.
But it felt so real.

He spoke in this language
that I didn't understand,

and I felt like
I was in his body.

It was like he made it happen.

-So you used a fantasy
to spice up your sex life,

and now you're creating another
one to displace your guilt.

You're blaming the victim.

-I don't know, Dani.

I think I'm losing my mind.
What should I do?

-You did the right thing.

You came to see me first.

We'll get through this.

But you have to admit
what you've done.

-So I should call the police.
-And tell them what?

That a young male patient
you slept with murdered

the reanimated corpse
of his father?

No, you have to understand
what really happened last night.

Is it possible he drugged you?

-I don't know. I don't know.

-All right.
We'll figure it out together.

Don't worry.

-Thanks.

-Yeah.

Let me get you a fresh shirt.

And you should talk to Eddie.

You can't work
through this, Beth,

till you face it.

All of it.

You taught me that.

-You're right.

-Damn right I'm right.

Through all kinds of weather.

-We stick together.

-And no more house calls, okay?

-There be monsters.
-There be monsters.

[Static crackles]

-Joe?
-Yes?

-"Through all types of weather,
we stick together"?

That's the secret
handshake code.

Not very Lovecrafty.

-Well, to be fair,
I know it's not Lovecrafty,

but it actually was
a remnant from the original,

like, rewrite that we were doing

that we were going
to put in something

that bonded the ladies together.

Like a secret handshake. Right?
-And what was that?

-It's "Sisters"
from "White Christmas."

-Oh, my God.
-Oh, my --

That's his Lovecraft as you get.

-Let me get this straight.

You take a story
about hot sex body swappers

and you think Bing Crosby?
You know?

-As you do.

-As you do.
What are you talking about?

-And you actually went to
the estate of Bing Crosby

and tried to get the rights
to "Sisters"?

-100%.

-So you were going to insert
a "Sisters" production number

into the movie at this point?

-I was trying to class the joint
up a little bit, Joe Bob.

-Heather Graham and
Barbara Crampton

were going to sing "Sisters"
in the movie right here?

-We were going to
just stop everything dead,

and they were going to break
into song and dance.

-And so you weren't even
going to do the Bing Crosby,

Danny Kaye
cross-dressing version,

which would have been
the woke thing to do.

You just wanted the original
boring "Sisters" number

from the opening scene
of the movie.

-Sequel. Yeah, let's put that
down for the sequel.

Thank you.
-Okay.

-We tried, look,
and we tried to get the song,

and they laughed
in our faces.

So we went with another song.

-The people that run
that Bing Crosby estate, boy,

they are just not horror fans.

-No.
-I'm so surprised.

All right, so, Joe,

when a body swap happens
in the movie,

what is actually being swapped?
-The essence.

Their minds, if you will.
-Their brain?

-Yes.
-Okay.

The genitals are not swapped.
But the brain is swapped.

-No, just the brain.

But the brain is a direct
conduit to the genitals.

So you're bringing your
sex drive with you cranially.

-Openly.
-Crazily so.

-So it's not so much a swap,

though, as like that thing
that rapes Barbara Hershey

and "The Entity", right?

-You mean you see all the fake,
like, hands on the boobies?

-Well, you just see,
like, she's having orgasms,

but she's also screaming
and everything.

-It's funny,
we also had a scene like that

in the movie, too, but time.
Yeah, just time.

-Dang,
-Okay.

-Sequel.
-So what you're actually

filming is a series of sexual
assaults by an invisible demon.

Is that correct?

-With a penchant for trying new
things out, Joe Bob.

Just trying to open up
its own world.

-All right, we should
actually ask Darcy.

Darcy, you've had sex
with the devil, right?

-We do that every
Walpurgisnacht.

-That's true.
-We do.

-Does the devil have
a goat head or what?

-Oh, no, he's super hot.
-He's super hot? Okay.

-Well, Judah Lewis, who plays
Asa, is a very good looking guy.

Um, Heather Graham,
of course, is very good looking.

Um, how did you map
out those scenes and --

All right, what did you say to
the actors about what's being

swapped?
-Besides fluids?

-[ Laughter ]
-Yeah.

-Well, knowing that they --
you know, shooting sex scenes,

as we know,
is not always the most fun

and sexy thing in the world.

And plus, uh, their lawyers
and their managers were very,

uh, very aware of
what was going to go on.

So I had to write a
32 page legal document.

-What?

-And had to distribute that
to every single person

on their team

to show them exactly
how we were going to shoot it.

We storyboarded it, as well.

-Wait, wait, wait,
you storyboarded the sex scenes?

-Yes, we did.
-Wow.

-Every move in the sex scenes
is storyboarded?

-Yep.

-Good for you.
-Thank you.

And myself and my my now wife
were posing for it, as well.

-Oh, that's what you did.
What?

-Of course. Yes.

-You took pictures of yourself
as storyboards

for the sex scenes?
-I had to show Judah

how much butt crack I was
going to actually have on this.

-And so you showed him
your butt crack?

-I showed him my wife's
butt crack.

Because when I shot mine,
I'm like,

"There's absolutely no way
that that is being distributed."

-Well, wait a minute.

Sometimes you're switching
genders to in these scenes,

right?
-Exactly.

-Does that mean you had to get
girly

in the storyboards?
-A little bit.

Just a touch.
-You had to

-I had to get in touch
with my feminine side.

-I totally get it.

-So in these body swap scenes,
is it like,

"Wow, I've always
wanted to do that,

but I never got the chance?"
Or is it like,

"Well, I've never wanted to do
that until now."

You know?

-All of those conversations
were had before we got to set,

you know, with, uh,
both Heather and Judah.

Uh, Bruce wanted to get into
the conversation.

Bruce wanted to get himself into
every conversation about sex,

which is totally fair.
Barbara, as well.

No, we wanted to make sure that
we were paying tribute to what

was supposed to be
on the page with Lovecraft,

but obviously the added sex was
not in the original story.

So we wanted to make sure

that we were hitting
all those factors

while also being a little sexy,
you know?

-But really, the expert sexual
intimacy in the scene.

Yes. Is invisible.
We never really see --

-We never see --
-We never really see

the demon.

Is the sex demon Cthulhu?

-I don't know.
Why would I give that away?

-I don't know.
-I'm not giving that away here.

-You know, there's there's
always this octopus head with

a weird tail that's,
uh, you know, ultimately,

when you go back to the
H.P. Lovecraft original monster,

it's Cthulhu, and it's
an octopus head

with a with a weird tail,
right?

-Mm-hmm.

-And so is that Cthulhu messing
around for a thousand years,

jumping from body to body?

-I wouldn't necessarily say
it is Cthulhu itself --

themselves, because
Cthulhu could be non-binary.

Let's be fair.
-Okay.

-You know, um,

but let's just say maybe that
it is an extension of Cthulhu,

if you will.
-Because you can make

an argument
that Cthulhu is the monster

that still lives inside us,
you know,

normally identified
as whatever our

constant subconscious
anxieties are

and whatever we're most afraid
of, um, and our deepest secrets.

And of course,
this kind of stuff

that comes out in sexuality.

So, like, Heather Graham is --
she's married to a hunk.

-Jonathan. Schaech.
-Played by Jonathan Schaech.

Yeah, he's the actor
who -- he once went to,

Renny Harlin
and told him he was upset

because he wasn't getting
to show off his chest and abs

enough in "Return to Hercules."
-That's very funny

because it he did the same
exact thing to us.

He walked around, set
in his underwear, going like,

"I can be shirtless in this
shot, right?"

And I'm like,
"Jonathan, you're at dinner."

He's like, "But I could be
shirtless in the scene."

-And he was shirtless
at dinner, right?

-No, it was the scene after.
-It was the scene after.

But you are showing off
Jonathan's chest

and abs quite a bit in
this movie.

And Judah Lewis, as well,
for that matter.

But Heather is more
like a predator.

She keeps her clothes
on more often than not.

-Well, here's --
-These men are dropping trou

all around her, but Heather is
keeping her clothes on.

-I heard your intro.
I was over there.

I heard the complaint
about the one tit

on the on the drive in
totals, you know.

-Yeah.
-And I will admit, while we were

shooting it, I was even going,

"What will the drive in totals
be for this movie?"

-Shut up.
-While we were shooting,

I swear to God.
I brought Judah home.

This sounds bad.

I brought you to home on one
of the nights, telling him,

"Oh, my God,
this is going to be great.

We're going to watch Joe Bob,

we're going to have
pizza," long shoot week.

And what episode did we watch?
The "Nosferatu" episodes.

So he was like, "It's kind of
artsy around here, isn't it?"

I'm like, "No, no, no, trust me,

there's a lot more titties
and blood and gore

than than what
you're going to see here."

But we went down the drive in
totals of what it would be.

Um, now, when it comes
to the one and a half tits,

like, let's be fair.

-What are you counting
as a half?

-Well, there's the moment
when Heather kind of,

like, starts to show her areola,
and we had to cut away.

-Are you saying we saw
some areola?

It was a little --
It was "semi-eola."

-Okay.
-"Semi-eola."

Not to be confused
with salmonella.

Um, but the idea of this
is her flashback,

this is her perception.

She's telling the story
in the padded cell.

So she's recounting what
the sexuality would be like,

and she's recounting
all the flesh on flesh.

And of course, she's going
to objectify Jonathan Schaech,

and of course she's
going to objectify Judah Lewis,

her bear and her twink.

She's not going to think of --

-A bear and a twink?
That's how you set it up.

One bear and one twink?

-We have a bear,
and we have a twink.

She's getting the best
of both worlds.

There's a lot of intelligence.

-Let's give
Heather a bear and a twink.

-Together.
And sometimes in the same shot.

-Okay. Yeah. You're right.

-That scene
when we do the first sex scene

where Jonathan goes down
and Judah comes up,

that was the first scene
of the first day.

-Now, are you shooting
that continuously

so that all three of them
are there?

-They were all in the bed.

-Jonathan goes down,
and Judah comes up.

-The old Texas switch.

So there -- Okay.
The Texas switch.

Yeah. So, um --

-But to go over that one point.

Do you think about yourself
sexilly

when you're recounting
a story to a friend

in a padded cell
in Miskatonic University?

-I don't know, do you?

-We discussed this,
and Heather was like,

"I don't think I would.

I think I would
probably objectify all the men

in the film or my best friend."
So that's the reason

why we don't have as much
boobage in the movie,

is because this is her
story, so there you go.

-Okay, well,
later in the movie,

one of the characters
has the line,

I don't remember
which character has the line,

"the future is female."

-Yes.
-Did you write that line?

-Yes.
-Okay.

-Well, actually, no, I did not.

But it was written
after the fact, yes.

-What do you mean by that?

-Because it's true.

-Really?
The future is all female.

-Let's be fair, Joe Bob.
-Okay.

-They're taking over the world.
-Okay.

Um, you know,

and I don't think when
you say the future is female,

I don't think you're talking
about Indira Gandhi

or Margaret Thatcher
or Hillary Clinton, right?

When you say that.
-Maybe, you know.

They could be intellectual,
but they can also be

a bunch of the Real Housewives
of Beverly Hills, too.

-Okay. All right.

So the movie's going to get
even kinkier, believe it or not.

So let's get back to it.
Roll the flick.

And why did you
go to Mississippi to shoot this?

-Money.

-You went to Mississippi

because they don't prosecute
kinky in Mississippi, you know?

They would have put you
in jail in Florida.

If you went to Florida,

they think Disney is a criminal
organization in Florida.

So you could have got
the death penalty

for this movie in Florida.

-We had to make sure
that a lot of the crew members

were unaware of some
of the sexual hijinks

that were going on.

Actually, the house that we shot
in that Bruce Davison in is in,

in the film
is an historical landmark.

-Really?
-We took the pages out that had

all the sex in it when we had
to submit it to --

-A historical landmark,
where, in Jackson?

-In Jackson, Mississippi.
-You're in Jackson?

-Yep.
-Wow.

-And they did not have any clue.

They thought we were making
a lively melodrama

for Lifetime.
-Really?

-And and they showed up --
-I've worked in Jackson.

I wouldn't fuck with
those people if I were you, Joe.

[Static crackles]

[Bell ringing]

[Static crackles]

♪[Engine stops]

♪

-Beth?

Are you all right?

-I'm fine.

-Police are here.

-Dr. Elizabeth Derby?
-Yes.

-I'm Detective Ledger,
and this is Officer Huxley.

-Ma'am.

-We have a couple of questions
we'd like to ask,

if you don't mind.

Were you at the home of
an Ephraim Waite

at 33 High Street last night?

-Yes. A patient called and
said that it was an emergency.

-Right.
That's what the young man said.

-So you talked to the young man?

-Asa Waite. Yes. He said that
you were a great help to him.

Oh, you must have dropped
your phone when you left.

-Thank you.

-Don't worry. I didn't peek.

-The fire department
found it near the home.

-There was a fairly serious
fire that destroyed

much of the first floor.

Mr. Waite said that you left
before the fire started.

Is that right?
-Yes. Is everyone okay?

-The young man is fine.

And what about his father?

-He wasn't on the premises.

Mr. Waite, the young man,

said that he disappeared
several days ago.

He's been reported
as a missing person.

Anyway, we just wanted to return
your property to you.

Oh, sorry to go all Columbo
on you,

but I had one more question.

There was a phone call
placed from your phone

to 911 emergency services
last night

reporting that someone
was having a heart attack.

Who was that?

Having the heart attack.

-I misdiagnosed a panic attack
in the young man

as a cardiac event.

That's why I cut off the call.
I realized that I was mistaken.

-Oh, I see.

We all make mistakes.

Have a nice day.

-Ma'am.
-Have a nice day, officers.

-He definitely peaked.

-Beth, I was so worried
about you.

-Don't, Eddie.
-You were gone all night.

There was a fire?
Somebody had a heart attack?

-Let's sit down.

-Okay.

What happened?

-The patient was very troubled.

I still don't understand.

-Just tell me.

-[Sighs]

-We...had...

...sex.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
It was -- it was a mistake.

A terrible mistake.

I just, I-I lost myself.

-There's blood on you.

-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

-I can't...

I can't look at you right now.

-So I left.
Where else could I go?

What else could I do?

-You should have
come back to me.

-No, you wouldn't have
understood. You couldn't have.

I just -- I thought
it was better to be alone.

I didn't realize it was
already impossible for me

to be alone ever again.

[Wind whistling]

Asa?

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Moans]

♪

♪

[Moans]

♪

No.

[Screams]

♪

-[Laughs]

♪

[Gasps]

-Great work today.

-Thank you, Doctor.

I can see now it's only a dream.

-Well, I'll see you next week.

-I thought you said I could
reduce my sessions

to a monthly basis.

-Oh, I'm sorry. I just...

I've been losing track
of time lately.

-I always find myself wishing

I could turn back
the hands of time.

Well...[Chuckles]

Until next month.

-[Both chuckle]
-Yeah.

[Door opens, closes]

[Sniffles]

Hi, Eddie. I'm coming home.

I'll do whatever it takes.

Professor.

-Doctor.

Oh, but what about our session?

[Engine starts]

[Engine revs, tires squeal]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Cellphone rings]

♪

♪

-Asa?

-You left in such a hurry
the other night.

I didn't get to thank you.

-What did you do?
Did you drug me?

And what happened
to your father?

-Sorry to cut you off,
but, you know,

I was just getting ready
to head out.

I just wanted to let you know
how much I enjoyed

the use of your body.

You'd be surprised.

It was unlike anything
I've ever experienced.

-I need to understand
what happened that night.

-If you insist.

[Speaking foreign language]

-[Gasps]

♪

[Groans]

♪

[Bones cracking]

♪

[Panting]

-No, no.

Asa! Asa!

What have you done to me?

Asa? Asa, pick up the phone.
Pick up the phone.

Please. Please.
You can't do this.

-Sorry. Wrong number.

[Beeping]

[Chain rattling]

-[Groans]

♪

♪

♪

-[Gasps]

♪

[Static crackles]

-All right, Heather Graham seems
to be really enjoying herself.

Or actually the Judah Lewis

character in the
Heather Graham body

seems to be really enjoying
himself or their self.

But it's not really the
Judah Lewis character either.

It's whatever creature was
in the Bruce Davison body,

because we're dealing with some
kind of sex spirit that may

be thousands of years old,
right?

Am I close to that, Joe
-You're catching on

-All right.

But if you have sex
for a thousand years,

you get really,
really good at sex, right?

-Or just really,
really bored with it.

-Well...
-You got to change it up

a little bit,
you got to explore new avenues.

-This is not really the kind
of role you expect

from Heather Graham.

Did you ever did you
ever think about going back

to the erotic thrillers
and using Shannon Tweed?

-Uh, it was discussed.

-It was discussed
to us Shannon Tweed?

-Barbara made a list of people,
and Shannon Tweed was on there.

She was the queen
of the erotic thriller.

-Huge. You know, for like,
that whole Skinemax '90s era,

she was the queen of it, you
know, of the erotic --

direct to video erotic
thriller, The Blockbuster.

-Would you have wanted
Shannon Tweed?

Would that have been fun?

-Oh, my God, it would have
been great to have --

to be able to explore
the character with Shannon,

but we knew
that we needed someone

that had the gravitas
of being able to capture

multiple characters.

Plus, I had never seen Heather
in a role like this before.

-Yeah.
-Or even just, you know,

some people say like, "Oh, she's
never done horror before,

but she's done a fair amount
of horror,

like "From Hell",
the Hughes brothers movie.

-Actually, Heather says

that she has been estranged
from her strict Catholic parents

ever since she made
"Boogie Nights" in 1997.

So I can just imagine what
this role did for family unity.

-It was probably not a topic
of conversation

during Thanksgiving dinner.
-And then we got Judah Lewis.

Judah Lewis was just
three years out of high school

when you made this,

but he seems pretty damn
comfortable with his sexuality.

-He became a man
on the set of the of the film.

Uh, he wasn't 21 yet.
He was still 20.

He turned 21, I think the
first couple days of the shoot,

that first sex scene,
he was still a young little boy.

And then we made him a man.
-[ Laughter ]

-Well, you're a student
of horror.

Would you call this
a body horror film?

-There are certain tropes,
there's certain

elements or ingredients
of body horror.

-You were thinking
about making it,

were you thinking Cronenberg
at all?

Did you have any Cronenberg?

"Shivers"?
-Cronenberg,

more like "Dead Ringers."
-Okay.

-Like less the outward side
of body horror

and more of the inward
thematic side of body horror,

which I feel like, um,
"Dead Ringers",

even "M. Butterfly", in a way.

Um, so we were going a little
classier Cronenberg,

if you will.
-All right.

And, you know,
I wanted to ask you this.

They have this new job
description on movies

that feature nudity, and it's
called intimacy coordinator.

Did you have an intimacy
coordinator on "Suitable Flesh"?

-Nope. -No, we did not.

But not --
-Why not?

Not because of not because of
the need for it.

I wanted to make sure that
our actors were comfortable.

So we went to them and said,
"Would you want to have someone,

you know, on the set to make
sure that everyone's comfortable

and across the board?"
Everyone said, "Why?"

-Okay.
-I feel --

-Is an intimacy coordinator as
something to avoid lawsuits or?

-Yeah, well,
it's just to make sure

that everyone's playing
nice and making sure

that everyone's consensually,
you know, comfortable and safe.

You know, unfortunately,
we are in an industry

that a lot of people have
exploited that over the years,

whether it's on camera, behind
the camera, what have you.

So we wanted to make sure
that everybody was,

you know, safe and consensual
and having a good time.

-And your cast said,

"No, we don't want
anybody else in the room."

-Exactly.
-Okay.

And so, Darcy, you would be
a good intimacy coordinator,

actually, because you believe

that literally anything sexual
is normal?

-Pretty much. Yeah.

-So the directors
would love you

because you could tell
the actors,

"No, don't worry about it.

Many people in Indonesia
do this every day.

It's not weird at all."

-Our bodies are
not that fragile.

We can take a lot.

-Yeah, I know what you mean.

Yeah. So, um,
let's not go there, though.

Anyway, Joe, uh,

you already explained
one breast in the whole movie

because you were trying
to reverse the genders.

-Yes.
-So you showed male breasts

instead of female breasts,

but you still should have
put more breasts in it, Joe.

-I tried.
-Shannon Tweed wept.

-Aw.
-Aw.

-"Suitable Flesh 2: More Tits."

-All right, roll the flick.
Roll the flick.

Oh, and we were talking
about the Museum of Sex.

Have you been to Mosex, Joe?
You ever been to Mosex?

Uh, the little audio guide gizmo

that they give you for the
sexual guided tours at Mosex,

it has these Xaviera Hollander
orgasm sounds on it.

And they have
a whole section on,

uh, 19th century brothels.
-Brothels.

-Whatever happened to the
American tradition of brothels?

There were thousands
of brothels in America.

How many are there today?
Just like 10 or 20 in Nevada.

-Right?
-They're called Chipotle's.

-Chipotle's
-Yeah.

-You've never been
to a Chipotle?

-Well, I know what
Chipotle is, but hot.

Right?
-It it gets muy caliente.

-Well, at Mosex, they have
this interactive whorehouse map.

And you press a button,
and the brothel

whatever location
it is on the map

will be identified with
quotations from these brochures

that they used to give out

that lovingly detailed
the charms of each madam

and each brothel
and the rates.

They rate the relative beauty of
of the stable.

They were doing reviews.

They were putting out reviews
of these places.

And you could and you could buy
these on the street and, uh,

but what a great
American tradition.

And it's totally died out.

They used to have
their own magazines, you know.

So now the owner
of the New England Patriots

goes to a brothel,
he gets indicted.

So I ask you, Joe,
is that progress?

-I think we need
a brothel community.

-Thank you.
-Yes.

-Free the whorehouse, free the
nipple, and free the whorehouse.

We always say.
-Hell yeah.

-Okay.
-Free the whorehouse.

-I just wanted
to make that point.

-And what was this called
again?

-The whorehouse.
-What museum?

-Mosex. Museum of sex.
New York City.

-Mosex. What are their hours?

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

[Bell ringing]

[Static crackles]

[Chain rattling]

-[Grunts]

-It's really happening.

Oh, that smell.

[Flies buzzing]

♪

♪

Demon octopus.

Awesome.

♪

♪

-Shit. I'm married.

Ugh.

[Chain rattles]

[Cellphone buzzes]

-Dr. Danielle Upton.

-It's me.

-I'm sorry. Who's this?

-It's -- I'm a friend
of Elizabeth Derby's.

Okay. She needs your help.

-What kind of help?

-She's in danger.

-Danger? What do you mean?

-No, look,
there's no time, okay?

She needs help from a friend.

-I thought you said
you were her friend.

-I can't help her.

I don't know
if anybody can, but...

I know that she needs you.

Like you needed her.

-What did you say
you were again?

-It doesn't matter, okay?

What matters is that
if you don't come,

Elizabeth might die.

Or whatever makes her
who she is might.

-Okay. What's the address?

-It's 33 High Street.

In a basement.

I think there should
be a trap door

in the library under a rug.

Okay? Hurry. Dani, please.

-Mm.

♪

Nice.

Hello, dear.

-Okay, Beth.
You said you wanted to talk.

Let's talk.

-Why don't we have a drink
first? You want one?

-Well, it looks like you've been
drinking enough

for the both of us.

-To our future together.

Ah, mm, I feel better.

I feel like a new woman.

-Okay. Alright.

What's going on with you?

-Well, dear,
why don't we start fresh?

I'm Elizabeth.
Could I bum a smoke?

-You don't smoke.

You don't usually drink
during the day.

And you don't sleep
with your clients.

Who the hell are you?

-I told you.

I'm Elizabeth.
And you are mister...

-Okay. What the hell?
What aren't you telling me?

-Just some things that
you don't want to know.

-Whoa, um...
-Mm.

-Okay. You said
you would do whatever it takes.

-If that's what you want.

-I don't know what you want.

What are you doing?

-No more questions.

-[Gasps]

[Gasps]

[Knife clatters]

-Yes.

[Breathing heavily]

[Gasps]

[Panting]

[Gasping, moaning]

♪

♪[Panting, laughing]

♪

Oh, that's better,
that's better.

Oh, that's better.
It's better.

-[Groans]

[Panting]

[Laughing]

♪

[Footsteps]

[Door opens]

-Hello?
-Down here!

-Dani, oh, my God.
Thank God you came.

-You called me?

-It happened again. Okay.
This is his body.

But it's me, Dani.

It's me.

-What's going on here?

-I don't know. Maybe it's
for some kind of ritual.

Look.

Dani, I know, this
is crazy, okay?

But you have to believe me.

-Who did this to you?
Do you need help?

-It almost died
in the old man's body.

That's why Asa wanted me
to destroy the brain

before the third time.

But he didn't make it.

Then it changed forever.

Oh, God. Asa.

-What's your name?

-It's me, Dani. It's Beth.

-Oh, I see.

Then where's your body?

-I was -- I was home.

I was home.

Eddie!

-Who are you calling?

[Line ringing]

-991. Emergency services.

-Yes. My husband is in danger!
Send the police now!

-Hello.
-Sorry to bother you again,

but we got a report
of a domestic disturbance.

-Can we see your wife,
Mr. Derby?

-She's a little indisposed
right now.

-I'm afraid we have to insist.

-Okay.

Come on in.

The cops are here, Doc.

-Are you all right, Dr. Derby?

-Me? I'm just dandy.

Brandy?

-No, thank you, ma'am.

We received a call from
emergency services

about a domestic assault.

-Who reported that?

-I'm sorry, officer.
It might be one of my patients.

I think I know which one.

Crazy.

-Uh, Mr. Derby, would you mind
stepping in the other room

for a few minutes?

I have a few follow up
questions.

-Okay.
But you can call me Edward.

-Edward.

-Please go to the house,
see if Eddie's all right.

Please.

-Wait a minute.

You're that patient, aren't you?

Have you been stalking her?

-No. He's the stalker.

Okay. That -- that's what
this ritual must be for.

It must be some kind of pact.

It must be a sacrifice
to make a pact

with something, for the power
to take over someone's body.

That's what he -- it does.

One body after another.

-All right, that's enough.

-You listen to me,
you little shit.

I have the power to have you
committed to Miskatonic

faster than you can say
"reasonable doubt."

So you tell me

what happened
to Elizabeth Derby.

-You were saying?

-Uh, ma'am. Sometimes
people don't feel comfortable

speaking in front
of their spouses.

-Don't call me ma'am.
I sound like a headmistress.

Call me Liz, Officer Huxley.

-Dr. Derby.
-Officer Huxley.

Is it customary that a detective

would answer the call
for a domestic dispute?

-Well, no, but we thought this
and the incident

at Waite house
might be connected.

-Mm. Fascinating.

-It always comes in threes.

He said after the third time,
it's forever.

I have one more chance
before it's done.

-I'm calling the police.

-Schizotypal
personality disorder.

Alexander Lawrence. 2013.
Your patient with SPD.

When Sean found out about
the affair, I covered for you.

Nobody else ever knew.
All the way through the divorce.

-She never should have
told you about that.

-No, no, I...

I never would have.

We stick together.

Please.

[Groans]

-[Gasps]

[Gagging, groaning]

[Bones crack]

-Dr. Derby?

[Bones crack]

[Panting]

-Who the fuck are you?

-[Gasping, panting]

Where's my husband?

-I'm right here, I'm right here.

Are you okay?

-Is she all right, Mr. Derby?

-It'll be okay. She just had
a little too much to drink.

-It seemed more like a seizure.

-Should we call the EMTs?

-No, no, no. I'm fine.
I'm fine.

My husband and I were just
celebrating our reconciliation.

-Yes, we were. Yes.

-If that's it, then
we're sorry for the intrusion.

If you'd like to make a
complaint against that 911 call.

-No, no, no. It's all right.
It's all right.

-Well, if you're sure
you're okay,

then you two have
a good evening.

And pardon me, but I hope

we won't be seeing you
a third time.

-I'll see you guys out.

[Door closes]

[Static crackles]

-So, Joe?
-Yes?

-Professor Lynch?
-Yes, yes.

-Have you ever wanted to be
a woman?

-Yes.
-Yeah?

-I mean, who's to say
I haven't been a woman already?

-Did you storyboard
the scene with the knife

and the belt around
Edward's neck?

-Uh, not --
Yes, actually we did.

We did a lot of storyboards.
-Were you Elizabeth or Edward?

-Uh. So, uh...

[ Laughter ]

Funny story about that.

Uh, I am not a good
storyboard artist,

but I'm a fantastic tracer.

So my partner and I would --

I would be taking a lot
of photos

and then trace over them
for the storyboards

so that we can show them
to the set,

you know,
to the crew and everything.

So, uh, there were times

where she would be playing
both parts, if you will.

-Oh, okay.
-I guess, can I reveal that?

Yes, I can.

Um, so not necessarily me
all the time.

It was, uh, sometimes
it was woman on woman,

if you will, for some
of those shots.

-And sometimes you were
Elizabeth and Edward.

-And, yes, I was. Yes.
My butt crack.

-All right.
-Um, let's talk a little bit

about Lovecraft
and Stuart Gordon

and where you fit in
with this movie.

H.P. Lovecraft was one of the
weirdest dudes who ever lived.

He was full of fear.

Everyone's always upset
by his apparent feelings

of racial superiority
which we know --

We know what that is, right?

It's feelings
of insecurity and inferiority.

Um, and that's that's
actually a big part of

how he created stories.

He imagined people
that don't look like him,

and he makes those people scary
and dangerous in his stories.

So, are you a Lovecraft fan?
Let's start with that.

-100%.
-Yeah.

And then Stuart Gordon.

I think Stuart Gordon created
our modern concept

of what H.P. Lovecraft is.

So Stuart Gordon made
"Re-Animator."

He made "From Beyond."

He made "Castle Freak",
he made "Dagon."

Um, he did the Herbert West
musical.

I mean, I think your pathologist
in this movie was Herbert.

-Graham Skipper.
-Graham skipper was the actor

who played Herbert West
in the musical.

And, um, the guy who
does the autopsy, right?

-Yeah.
-And you got excited about this

movie because it was
Stuart Gordon's writer,

Dennis Paoli, and the movie that
Stuart Gordon never got to make.

So what part of this movie

did you make in the style
of Stuart Gordon?

-Uh, well, aside from the fact

that we tethered this movie
to "Re-Animator"

because we're using
the same Miskatonic University,

it's the same exact one
from "Re-Animator."

So they're technically

in Miskatonic University
from "Re-Animator."

That gets alluded to
and from beyond a little bit.

Same hallways, the same morgue.

We, uh, made the sets look
like it was the same morgue area

from "Re-Animator",
so from a stylistic standpoint,

we were going
more production design.

But I find Stuart thematically
is very resonant in this movie

more than stylistically.

Um, you know, he was one
of those provocateurs

that I don't think
we have enough of.

So choices like, um, you know,
swapping the genders

that, to me, that felt like,
what would Stuart do?

You know?
-Okay.

-Like instead of
it being more camerawork,

it was more thematics.
-Okay.

Have you watched
every Lovecraft movie?

-I feel like I have.
-Okay.

Do you think there's
any Lovecraft interpreter

who can approach Stuart Gordon?

Is there any other person
that's ever,

ever hit the right notes
in a Lovecraft movie other

than Stuart Gordon?

-Uh, I thought Dan O'Bannon did
a really good job

with "The Resurrected."

-Okay.
-That felt very close to it.

Chad Ferrin, there's a really
great filmmaker, Chad Ferrin,

that I've known for years
from my Troma days

that just put a Lovecraft film
out.

Um, yeah.

I think Stuart and Dennis

kind of cracked the code
on Lovecraft

in terms of what
he was trying to go for.

-Well, Stuart was willing
to let the actors

kind of go over the top.

What do you what do you say
to people who think

that you went too far
over the top with the acting?

-I usually say not enough.
-Really?

-Well, this is not me.
I love what you did here,

but you have
a few unhappy horror hounds

on the web who say that --

-Oh, they're always unhappy.

-You amused them, but
you didn't scare them because

the acting was done
in an over the top way.

-Can I address them?
-Yes, yes.

-Go fuck yourself
and make your own fucking movie.

All right?

-Ready to go.
-Would H.P. Lovecraft?

like the movie?
-Absolutely not.

-[ Laughter ]
-100% no.

-I'm sure he wouldn't
because you switched genders.

He would not like that.

-Every time that we would have
the camera swirling around,

I pictured Lovecraft
spinning in his grave.

-Okay.

Um, is there
any other Lovecraft story

you would want to do?
-Oh, man.

Uh, I mean, Stuart, did, um,

"The Shadows Over Bismuth"
in a way,

with "Dagon".
-He did.

-I mean, because he was trying
to make it for years,

and then that kind of
fell through the cracks.

There was a script that
was circulating for years,

like, that very script
that he wanted to make.

And, um, it kind of fell apart.

So he ended up doing "Dagon",

which is like a more
streamlined version of it,

or a smaller version of it.
I would love to do his.

-The one everybody talks about

is "At the Mountains of
Madness."

-That's del Toro's.
That's sacred ground.

If there's anyone who's going
to do it, it's Guillermo.

-Everyone's already given it
to Guillermo del Toro?

-Just because I think
if there's anybody

who's going to get that scope
on that kind of budget,

like it's definitely del Toro.

-Dennis Paoli thinks
it's too static.

He thinks it's not cinematic.

But I guess that's kind of what
Guillermo del Toro does, though.

-Del Toro brings the cinematic.

-All right, Professor Lynch,

we are about to get into
the batshit crazy portion

of the movie.

Is there anything
you want to say for yourself

about the batshit crazy portion
of the movie?

-Enjoy.

-[Chuckles]
All right, roll the flick.

-Oh, oh, oh.
I have to ask you this.

-Okay.
-And you'll like

this question, Darcy
-Okay.

-If you're doing
a complete gender reversal,

of what we expect in horror,

-Okay.
-...why didn't you go

full frontal
with the two male actors?

-This was my one --
-It was discussed,

and I tried my hardest.

No pun.

Uh, they were just
not up to the task.

-Okay, well, now --
-Plus, to be to be fair,

Judah Lewis has a huge cock, so.

And I would have had to shoot

a TikTok version
for that effect.

Judah, I'm so sorry.
I'm revealing too much.

-You're sorry about that?
It's not bad.

-Now, Darcy has
a pretty good definition

of the male version
of female breast nudity.

In order to equalize the the way
the sexes are treated on film.

Give us your definition.

-Okay.
I just think the male equivalent

of a girl having to show her
boobs is like a flaccid penis,

because then you're
not judging it with fully erect,

but you still have
that kind of like,

oh, I'm not supposed
to be seeing that.

But if you see that said
flaccid penis like running,

then you got
this floppy elephant.

-So what?
We've see elephant titties, too.

So like, just let us see stuff,
make it equal.

Write that down. Yes.
Flaccid penis.

-So I think Joe is agreeing
with you.

Is he agreeing with you?
No, he's not.

-I'm taking notes.
-He already has a flaccid penis.

-Yeah, I do actually have --
yeah, see, flaccid penis.

-In out notes.
-Watch this. Ready?

-Wow.
-Okay.

-We have a whole
different movie.

-Yeah, right.
-This is NC-17.

This is rated R.
-There you go.

-We do have examples
of flaccid penis

full frontal in film history.

Uh, "Bone Tomahawk."
-Boner tomahawk.

-"American Werewolf in London"
has that.

-It does.
-"Wake In Fright."

Have you seen that?

"Revenge" and "The Hole."
Any of these ring a bell?

-All of these sound
like porno titles.

-One of our female viewers

sent us her favorite
full frontal horror scenes.

And those were her top five.

-No "Wild Things"?
-Seen any of those?

-No "Wild Things"?
-Yeah, the Kevin Bacon.

-Kevin Bacon.

-That was a quickie mistake,
you know, mistake scene, right?

The "Wild Things."

-No, no, that's a dong scene.

That's exactly what
I'm talking about, though.

-All right.
-Exactly that.

-It was a mistake,
and they said,

"Kevin, can we leave it in?"
And he said okay.

-Yes.
-Okay.

-He went for bacon.
-All right, so,

free the nipple,

free the whorehouse
and free the wing doodle.

-Yeah!
-The limp wang doodle.

We have a lot
we need to free in this country.

-True.
-Or maybe I should say not

the limp wang doodle.

The wang doodle at rest.

-Yes. The resting doodle.
-Yes.

[Laughter]

[Static crackles]

[Bell ringing]

[Static crackles]

-Are you okay?

-Dandy.

-Do you remember
our conversation?

-Let me guess.
You're a doctor, too.

[Chuckles]
What happened to keeping it

in the fucking kitchen?

-What about calling me?

-You know, if I don't know
who you are,

how the fuck would I know
your phone number?

-Are you familiar
with an Elizabeth Derby?

-Her I know.

Quite the sociopath.

All that's missing
is the apartment full of cats.

-Did she do this to you?

-What?

This?

Oh, we were just playing.

-This was a sex game.

-Why?

Are you interested in a round?

-All this was role play?

-Whatever happened was
consensual.

No means no, and...

our safe word is "ow."

Now get the fuck
out of my house.

-You just tell me where she is.

-I am sure that she's home.

With Eddie.

-Are you okay?

-Me? I was worried about you.

-I'm good. I'm good.

Whew.

-You're smoking?
-Oh. You have no idea...

...how happy I am not to have
to sneak them anymore.

You want to go again?
I'm game if you are.

-What do you mean?

-What we did
before the cops game.

-What did we do?

-[Chuckles] All right.

If you want to play games.

We can start out as strangers...

every time.

I want you to know.

I've never come like
that before.

Ever.

I don't know what got into you.

But if you want...

you can cut me again.

I liked it.

What?

What's wrong?

-You've got to leave.

I want you to go to a place
on Shelter Island.

-Why?
-You can't be around me.

He can't know where you are.

-Who are you talking about?

-If he does it one more time,
it's forever.

If I have to make you
hate me, I will.

If I have to kill myself,
I will.

I just --
I won't let him have you.

Just remember me.

Me.

-Doc?

♪

[Engine starts]

Elizabeth! Elizabeth!

No!

[Engine revs, tires squeal]

♪

♪

-There were horrors in that
thing that I couldn't reach.

It's ironic how much
you have to lose

before you realize
how much you really have.

What it would mean
to have my body taken from me

and how far
I would go to keep it.

♪

♪

♪

-Careful, doc.

You wouldn't want
to hurt yourself.

-I didn't think
you'd get here so fast.

-I always know
where you are now.

Besides, you're not
that hard to find.

You have such a little life.

-What happened to Asa?

-Uh, here, there.

Who really knows.

If he's lucky,

he died in that old man's
wretched body.

But there are worse places
he could be.

Much worse.

What matters is that we're here,
you and I.

-Who are you, really?

-You mean the body
I was born in?

Oh, God, I...

I don't really remember.

I always assumed
I was born a man.

I had a man's desire
to satisfy myself.

To dominate.

Now...

Now, I'm not so sure that means
I wasn't born a woman.

It's all semantics anyway.

These days,
I just do it when I'm bored.

-Well, we're not
just our passions.

We also connect with our minds.

-You're right.

And who doesn't love
a good mind fuck?

Times have changed.

The future is female.

And so is mine.

-The minute you say the words,

the minute I feel you taking
over my mind, I'll jump.

And then you can have my body
as it falls to its death.

-Oh, you want to play?

I'm getting a little
aroused here, doc.

Okay. How's about this?

You can live...

...if you can kill me.

I mean, really kill me.

Before I become you forever.

Then you can be
with your husband.

And you can keep
your little life.

[Gasps] Oh, no.

[Laughs]

Or...

you can choose the sure thing.

Death.

Who are you, really?

Are you everything
you thought you would become

when you were born?

-How long have you been
wandering like this?

Body to body.

Years?

Generations?

Centuries?

-Time is just a shadow to me.

-Don't you get tired
of the endless changing.

Don't you get weary?

-Yes.

That's what makes you so...
attractive.

You're something --
you're something new.

[Echoing] New flesh.

-Another and another.

New gets old.

No rest.

-No rest, no.

-Let your mind float free.

-Yes. Free

-Floating free.

Free.

[Grunts]

Ah!

[Speaking foreign language]

Come on!

-[Grunting]

-[Shouting indistinctly]

Ah!

[Screams]

[Screams]

Goodbye.

-[Gasps]

[Panting]

-[Gurgles]
-[Gasps]

-[Groans]

-[Breathing heavily]

[Tires squeal]

Wait.

[Thud]

-[Groans]

[Panting]

[Engine revs, thuds]

[Breathing heavily]

[Engine revs]

[Grunts]

[Breathing heavily]

[Gasps]

-Chill out.

[Screams]

[Knife plunging]

[Siren wailing]

-[Screams]

-[Gasping, knife plunging]

-Dr. Derby!
-Drop the knife!

Drop it!
-No! No! No!

[Shouting indistinctly]

No!

I wasn't out of my mind.

And I'm not now.
I didn't kill Asa Waite.

I was trying to kill
that thing inside him.

The thing that's coming for me.

-You truly believe
that's what happened?

-Yes, and I still don't think
he's really dead.

-His body couldn't have
survived that trauma.

-I don't care about the body.
You have to destroy the brain.

[Static crackles]

-You have to destroy
the brain.

So really,
the movie is all about

how the body might stay
the same,

but the brain can go
pansexual at any time, right?

Is that the term? Pansexual?

Or try-sexual,
as in I'll try anything.

-There, now
you're catching on again.

-That's me. I taught him
about the pansexual.

-He's learning.
-Of course that's you.

-He's learning. Yes.
-Is that you, too, Joe?

Try sexual?
-I will try anything.

-Okay,
so the brain has the capacity

to consider any kind of sex
in any form.

And since the brain
is controlled by a demon

with the supernatural ability
to jump from body to body,

it's a brain that can have
any kind of sex in any form.

And yet the movie is also
about love,

because the
Heather Graham character,

Elizabeth, decides
that her love for Edward

is greater than her orgasms,

and so she's going to destroy
this thing,

even if she has to destroy
herself.

And is she trying
to destroy Cthulhu?

Is that where this started?

-Sure.
-If she's successful,

she'll destroy --
-Everything that you're saying

right now is way more thought
put into the movie than...

-Oh, okay.
-...who made the movie?

-Or maybe Cthulhu is
indestructible.

That's always.
-Yeah. Absolutely.

You can't kill a god.

-So, Joe, can we expect
more extreme sex from you

in the future?

Have you started a genre called

the supernatural
erotic thriller?

-Yes. I would love that.

All my agents, like,
make that happen. Yeah.

-Maybe you've extended
that genre

from the years of "From Beyond."

That's kind of a supernatural
erotic thriller?

-Well, I mean, I think
in the last couple of years,

things have gotten
a little conservative.

And I think it's time to get
things kinky and horny again.

-And "From Beyond", that was
probably the sexiest role

of Barbara Crampton's career.

And here she is 37 years later,

encountering more weird
supernatural sex.

And in fact, she's one of
the key players in this

final sequence
that we're about to watch.

-Fun fact -- there
was going to be a point

where we were going to make, uh,

Katherine's character
from "From Beyond"

be her character
in "Suitable Flesh."

Unfortunately, due to rights,

I think it was
like MGM owns the movie

and the rights and stuff
like that.

They said, no,
but it's not to say

that maybe her character
might have changed her name

after the horrific events
of "From Beyond",

and it maybe could be.

Maybe she's playing it
like that.

-So this might be her character
from "From Beyond."

Okay, Joe,
thank you for being here.

Make the presentation.

-Presentation? Oh.

-It's sort of an inside joke,
Joe. Sorry.

-But "Suitable Flesh" is sort of
still making the rounds, right?

[ Laughter]

-You know, I was going to be --

I was trying to bury the hatchet
with our fake Twitter feud.

-We can always show that
episode of "Mayhem" again.

-Good
-With my commentary on it.

All right.

-This is all your fault.
You were the one who got it.

You slipped into my DMs
the night before

and said, "So, Joe, we're
going to be doing 'Mayhem.'"

-No, don't say that.

-No, no, it was him.
It was all him.

-All right, Joe.
-Bullshit.

This is bullshit.
-Joe, "Suitable Flesh"

is still on the festival
circuit, right?

-Yeah.

-Why did you change
the title of --

The original title of this story
was "The Thing on the Doorstep."

-Yeah, because that really rolls
off the tongue.

-Why was
"The Thing on the Doorstep"?

-Because there's no fucking
doorstep in our goddamn movie,

Joe Bob!
I mean, you did all the

research,
you should have seen it.

-Joe, I hate your title.

"Suitable Flesh" is
a terrible title.

Why not?
-How dare you, sir?

-Why not "Demon Flesh"?

Why not "Demon Flesh"
or "Devil Flesh"?

-Wow.

"Demon Flesh", "Devil Flesh"?
"Suitable Flesh"?

-Because Suitable --
When you think about it,

maybe the demon wears
the flesh like a suit.

-Okay, well, that's
very high falutin.

-It's called arthouse.
It's called. A24.

Elevated horror.

-Well, it's not an A24 movie.
It's a Shudder movie.

Okay, well, I would never argue
with a perversion, professor,

or I won't anymore.

So thanks for being here.
Never come back, Joe.

Only kidding.
All right.

You have any
sexual education advice for us?

This is sex education night.

Do you have any
sex education advice?

-Yeah.
Don't have sex with Joe Bob.

-[ Laughter ]
-Okay.

-All right, back to the movie.

What is -- tell us,
tell us for real?

What is the kinkiest
sexual thing you've ever done?

The one thing that when you
think back on it, you go,

"Wow, I can't believe
I did that."

I can't believe I did that.

-No, no, this is not for you.
-Tell me for real.

-No, you have to tell
everybody,

something you don't want
anyone to ever know about.

But you're going to tell
us anyway.

-You don't want anyone
to know about it,

but you're making them say it
on the show.

-Yeah, yeah. All right.
-Have me back on.

-Have your secrets.
-Yes.

-All right.
-Keep your secrets.

-Darcy, we don't know
want to know yours.

I know that.

-That's true. You don't.
-They might be the same.

-What's that?

Same time.

-All right.
-I knew it.

-We've gone too far.

-Yep.

[Static crackles]

[Bell ringing]

[Static crackles]

-[Whistling]

-Oh, you are a fucking mess.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Don't want you to have
to smell my pastrami breath.

[Whistling]

Okay.

-The brain.

I'll do what I can.

-[Sighs] Thank you.

-Through all kinds of weather.

-All right.

First incision in the sternum.

10 centimeters
below the clavicle.

There is...

considerable trauma.

-[Speaking indistinctly]

-[Gasps] Holy shit!

-[Speaking indistinctly]

[Speaking foreign language]

-[Gasps]

-Beth!

-[Grunting]
-Holy shit!

-[Gasping]

[Groans]

[Bones cracking]

Oh! Fuck!

-[Gasps]

-Oh, my God.

You okay?

-No.
-[Gasps]

Oh, my God.

-[Grunts]

-Shit!

It's not dead!
It's not dead!

It's not dead!

-What the hell are
you talking about, man?

-[Groans]

-What the fuck?!

-[Panting]

-Beth, are you okay?

Beth?

-Where am I?

-Get me out.

Get me out

of this body.

-Am I the patient here?

-What do you mean?

-Nothing.

-You don't remember
what happened?

-Wait.

Right. Right.

-Okay. I'm afraid
you're in serious trouble, Beth.

You've killed someone.
A patient.

-Oh, my.
I clearly wasn't myself.

You know me.

-I thought I did.

-It sounds like a drug reaction.

-You said you weren't on drugs.

-Well, that sounds
like something

a drug addict would say.

So how are you
going to cure me, doc?

Maybe a deeper examination.

-[Gasps]

-I've only seen one other
schizophrenic episode like this.

-Mm.
-And your patient Asa Waite.

-Oh, I love it
when you talk dirty.

-He went from hysterical
claims of possession

to perfect composure.

-Hm.
-Exactly as you just did.

-Oh, I did, didn't I?

-[Groans]

-What's my name?
-What?

-What's my name?
-Don't be ridiculous.

-What's my name?!

-Is this some kind of test?

-Yes, it is.

-Doctor! Doctor!

-What?!
-It's...

You got to come now.
You got to come now.

-Watch her.

-Hi, boys.
-You got to come with me now.

It's over here, Dr. Upton.

-[Groans]

Help.

[Wheezing]

I'm Elizabeth.

-Oh!

Christ!

[Grunts]

Beth?

Code blue! Get in here!
Hurry. Come on. Come on.

Let's go. Let's go.

-[Beeping]
-No vitals. But she's alive.

-[Whirring]
-She, doctor?

-Paddles!
-400.

-Clear!

[Defibrillator pops]

-Again.
-[Beeping]

Come on!

[Whirring]

Clear!

[Defibrillator pops]

Beth?

Beth?

♪

♪

-This is all a big mistake.

You know me, right?

I'll suck your cocks
if you let me out.

-Go out and help them
with the body.

Who are you?

-I'm Dr. Elizabeth Derby.

And you'll have a hell of a time
convincing anyone otherwise.

-Maybe.

But I can keep you here.

Isolated, drugged.

-Mm.

-Imprisoned until you die.

-Do you really want that
to happen to your friend?

-Elizabeth Derby was my friend.

And she's gone because of you.

-Well, all my friends
are in hell.

So yours will have good company!

[Grunting]

Damn padded cell.

[Grunts]

[Groaning]

[Grunts]

-You bitch!

-[Speaking foreign language]

Come on!

-When I'm dead,
let me stay dead.

-[Groans]

[Grunting]

-Dr. Upton?

[Grunting]

-[Groans]

-You are right, Dr. Upton?

-She tried to kill me.
Shoot her.

-That's not Daniella Upton.
I am.

I'm Daniella Upton.

-She's insane and dangerous.
Shoot.

-Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Okay, hold on.
-Oh, God damn it.

-Hold on, Doctor.
Wait a minute.

-What the fuck?!
-Give me the gun!

Get back. Get back.

-Don't do this, Dr. Derby.
-Get the fuck back.

-Okay. Okay.
-Get away.

-Okay.
-Get away from her, Mace!

Get away!
That is not Daniella Upton!

I'm Daniella Upton!
-She's crazy!

-I know who I am!

-Okay.
-Fucking bitch.

-I know who I am!

-[Gurgling]

[Speaking indistinctly]

Stick together.

-All kinds of weather.

[Gunshot]

Sorry.

[Gunshot]

-[Speaking foreign language]

-No!
-[Speaking foreign language]

-Get out of the way! Stop!
Get out of the way!

-[Shouting in foreign language]

-Aah!

-[Groans]

[Gasps]

[Sighs]

-Dr. Upton?

Dr. Upton?

-Whoa, whoa, wait. Hold on.

Give me the gun, Dr. Derby.

-[Gasps]

[Gunshot]

[Gun clicks]

[Clicks]

-[Gasps]

[Grunting]

[Grunting]

-[Laughing]

-[Grunts]

[Groans]

-Come on.

[Speaking foreign language]

♪

♪

-A lot of psychiatrists
can't handle it.

The pressure
of being responsible

for keeping the minds of so many
other people together.

I always told Beth
I thought she cared too much.

But I didn't know how bad her
work-life balance had become.

That must have been
very hard on you.

-I loved her so much.

It started to get better
at the end there.

-I know.

And you should try to salvage
the good from that.

-From the ashes?

[Sighs] Thank you for
the coffee and your time.

I know that the two of you
were like sisters.

-Which makes us family now, too.
So please call me Dani.

-Okay, Dani.

-And you know you can come
and see me any time.

Eddie.

I looked into her eyes before
her mind completely passed.

And I know
in those last few moments,

she understood
who she really was.

We were more than sisters.

We were friends.

[Sighs]

♪

♪

[Coughs]

[Clatters]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Laughing]

♪

-I'm not here. I'm me.

I'm not supposed to be in here.
I'm a doctor.

Do you hear me?! I'm me! I'm me!

I'm me! This isn't my life!

I'm me! I'm me! Help me!

Help me! Help me!

I didn't kill them! Help me!

Let me out of here!
Let me out of here!

I'm me!

[Overlapping shouting]

♪

-♪ I need you like
a doughnut needs a hole ♪

♪ Like pianos need fingers,
heart, and soul ♪

♪ We go together like
peanuts and a shell ♪

♪ I'm going to hold you in
my arms like water in a well ♪

♪ And I love you like
flowers love the sun ♪

♪ Like birds like to fly
and kids like to run ♪

♪ Like trees love leaves
and leaves turn round ♪

♪ Like rabbits in a meadow
like to hop around ♪

♪ I need you like
a doughnut needs a hole ♪

♪ Like pianos need fingers,
heart, and soul ♪

♪ We go together
like peanuts and a shell ♪

♪ I'm going to hold you in my
arms like water in a well ♪

♪ When we are together
side by side ♪

♪ It's like a roller coaster
or a carousel ride ♪

♪ The clouds all lift
just to sing with me ♪

♪ The oak trees dance
along with the breeze ♪

♪ I need you like
a doughnut needs a hole ♪

♪ Like pianos need fingers,
heart, and soul ♪

♪ We go together like
peanuts and a shell ♪

♪ I'm going to hold you in
my arms like water in a well ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Static crackles]

-Talk about your confused
identities there at the end.

I kept losing track
of whose brain is in whose body,

but it finally makes
sense thanks

to the writing skills
of Dennis Paoli.

And we talked about him a little
bit when Joe was out here.

But Dennis Paoli was
Stuart Gordon's roommate

when the two of them
were students

at the University of Wisconsin.

And then they worked together

at the famous Organic Theater
in Chicago.

So he started out writing
stage plays for Stuart Gordon,

but ended up as the screenwriter
on "Re-Animator",

"From Beyond",
"The Pit and the Pendulum",

"Dagon", and "Castle Freak",

and he also wrote "The Dentist"
for Brian Yuzna.

He collaborated with
Larry Cohen on "Body Snatchers",

and he wrote several screenplays
for Charles Band,

including the notorious
"Ghoulies II".

-Whoo! Yeah!
-Yeah!

-He also runs the Writing
Center at Hunter College

in New York,

where he teaches Irish
literature and Gothic fiction.

So, Darcy, what do you think?
-I like the parts

where the men become
women and women become men.

-And they like it.

-Yeah, they did.
-All right.

-So do we have some mailbag?
-We do.

We have emails and photos

from Sylvia Chapa of
Texas City, Texas.

-You don't mean Chief Chapa?

Chief Chapa from Texas City?
All right.

-She was very appreciative
of the video that you did.

-Yeah, I did the retirement
video to one of the very few,

if not the only, uh,

female police chief
in the state of Texas.

So, um, let's see what
Chief Sylvia has to say.

Good morning.

Um, my wife organized
this video from you

and your special message for
my retirement as chief of police

from College of the Mainland,
and it really touched me.

I was proud to have served
for so many years,

and even prouder
to have led the department

where only a few women
have become chiefs

in the state of Texas.

But Giselle and I, the beasts --

that's what they call
themselves, the beasts.

Are proud members
of the mutant family,

and I am looking forward to more
time watching horror with

Joe Bob, Darcy, Ernie,
and others.

It was perfect that my
first official day of retirement

ended with a bottle of
Dom Perignon

and a Joe Bob special.

I wanted to share a few photos.

And she sent photos
of "my last week as chief."

And you looked at the photos,
right?

And our celebration.

-Let me put them up
while you're reading.

-We were partying like
a jungle animal,

and I wanted to show off some
of my retirement plans.

I'm going to be Joe Bobbing.

Thank you for your
special congratulations message.

Looking forward to
the new season.

Sylvia Chapa, chief, retired.

Um, which one
is she referring to

when she says she's Joe Bobbing?

Do you know?

-I think it's the one with her
wife Giselle on Galveston Beach.

-Yeah, it's this one
-When she's on the beach?

-Yeah.
-Oh, okay. All right.

Um, and Giselle has that
Very Violent Valentine shirt on.

-Yeah.
-And you'll appreciate this,

Darcy.
You know where Texas City is?

It's right on the shoreline
of Galveston Bay,

Houston ship channel.

And so they got lots
of ducks and geese.

-Aw, I do appreciate that.

-Chief Chapa saved
so many ducks and geese

in her career as police chief,

I guess the ducks
and geese get in trouble

a lot from the pollution
and the tides

and the big ships coming
and going.

She saved so many of them

that she became known
as the Duck Whisperer.

-That is amazing.
Mutant Fam is so great.

-Yes, they are,
and that's it for me tonight,

Joe Bob Briggs, speaking
for myself and for

Darcy the Mail Girl, with
this week's words to live by.

Give a man a fish,
and he'll eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and
he'll spend hundreds of dollars

on equipment that he'll
only use a few times a year.

[Laughter]

And the drive in will never die!

Has enough time passed
I can tell a blonde joke?

For a while, they had
a moratorium

on blonde jokes because they --

-I think you can go for it.
-All right.

-Brunette walks
into a sex shop

and asks the sales guy,
"How much for that black dildo?"

The guy says 50 bucks.

So the brunette gives him $50,
buys the black dildo.

Red head walks
into the same sex shop and says,

"How much for that red dildo?"

The sales guy says,
100 bucks for that one.

Red head buys the red dildo,
and she leaves very happy.

Blonde comes into the sex shop
and says,

"How much for
that silver dildo?"

The sales guy says, "Well,
that one's really special,

but you can have it
for 250 bucks."

Blonde hesitates for a minute,

but she forks over the 250
and she leaves very happy.

After a while,
the store manager comes in

and he asks the sales guy,
"How's business?"

The guys says, "Pretty good.

I sold a black dildo, a red
dildo, and my coffee thermos."

[Laughter]

-Ooh.

I like it. A-plus.

[Laughter]

-♪ We are drive-in mutants

-♪ Drive-in mutants ♪

-♪ We are not like
other people ♪

♪ We are sick
-♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting
-♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in,
yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

♪ We'd be off the scale
-♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in
remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like
jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-Made in Georgia.