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1
00:00:00,517 --> 00:00:03,106
[Regimental music]
2
00:00:21,834 --> 00:00:24,768
[Gordon] Right,
number two again.
3
00:00:25,594 --> 00:00:27,872
Yeah, number one.
4
00:00:30,457 --> 00:00:31,803
Right, number three again.
5
00:00:34,838 --> 00:00:36,978
We said this one
wouldn't work, Mr. Brittas.
6
00:00:37,081 --> 00:00:40,015
Right back row number
one, front row number two.
7
00:00:41,978 --> 00:00:43,359
[Audience laughing]
8
00:00:43,461 --> 00:00:45,015
That's the one!
9
00:00:45,117 --> 00:00:46,346
You know what that
pose says to me?
10
00:00:46,428 --> 00:00:48,844
We've been standing
here for 1 hour 45 minutes?
11
00:00:48,946 --> 00:00:53,089
No, it says we're a team,
but we're also individuals.
12
00:00:53,189 --> 00:00:56,641
We're cheerful, but we're also
serious about our commitment
13
00:00:56,741 --> 00:00:59,606
to you, the customer,
who's entrusted to us
14
00:00:59,708 --> 00:01:01,917
your safety and
physical wellbeing,
15
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,297
during the time you're here
16
00:01:03,399 --> 00:01:05,194
at whitbury new
town leisure centre.
17
00:01:05,296 --> 00:01:06,386
Right, I think
we're ready to go.
18
00:01:06,469 --> 00:01:07,850
[Audience laughing]
19
00:01:07,952 --> 00:01:08,952
Da da da!
20
00:01:09,987 --> 00:01:12,300
Oh, now you will make
sure you get the sports field in
21
00:01:12,401 --> 00:01:13,975
over there, we just
had it specially mowed?
22
00:01:14,057 --> 00:01:16,542
I've set it for a full 180
degrees, Mr. Brittas.
23
00:01:16,645 --> 00:01:17,749
Right. [Clears throat]
24
00:01:17,852 --> 00:01:19,426
-Smile pleasantly, Carole.
-[Audience laughing]
25
00:01:19,508 --> 00:01:20,578
I'll go through it again.
26
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:22,958
The camera will start to
my left, that's your right,
27
00:01:23,060 --> 00:01:25,752
it will then pan across, taking
approximately 20 seconds
28
00:01:25,854 --> 00:01:26,958
to reach the other side.
29
00:01:27,061 --> 00:01:29,822
So please keep
as still as possible.
30
00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:31,443
[Julie gasps]
31
00:01:31,545 --> 00:01:32,443
Julie, keep still!
32
00:01:32,546 --> 00:01:33,547
The baby's kicking!
33
00:01:33,650 --> 00:01:35,652
I'm keeping still for two here.
34
00:01:35,753 --> 00:01:36,651
[Audience laughing]
35
00:01:36,754 --> 00:01:38,087
-[Colin sniffs]
-You all right, Colin?
36
00:01:38,169 --> 00:01:38,962
They've cut the grass, Linda,
37
00:01:39,065 --> 00:01:41,171
it's playing havoc
with my rhinitis.
38
00:01:41,273 --> 00:01:42,226
Ready?
39
00:01:42,308 --> 00:01:43,778
Either that or I
haven't quite recovered
40
00:01:43,860 --> 00:01:46,000
from the bronchial
catarrh last week.
41
00:01:46,102 --> 00:01:47,103
We're rolling.
42
00:01:47,206 --> 00:01:50,071
[Cameral whirring]
43
00:01:51,207 --> 00:01:52,346
[Phone ringing]
44
00:01:52,449 --> 00:01:53,484
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
45
00:01:53,587 --> 00:01:55,968
Sorry, mobile, means urgent.
46
00:01:59,485 --> 00:02:00,831
Brittas.
47
00:02:00,934 --> 00:02:02,832
Hello, my darling.
48
00:02:02,935 --> 00:02:05,110
We're sitting for
the photo right now.
49
00:02:05,211 --> 00:02:07,662
Yes, I'll get plenty of copies.
50
00:02:07,763 --> 00:02:10,145
Well, one to go above
reception, of course,
51
00:02:10,248 --> 00:02:11,870
one for each of the
kids' scrapbooks,
52
00:02:11,971 --> 00:02:14,698
and I thought one to go
above the mantelpiece
53
00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:16,906
instead of that picture
by that Norwegian.
54
00:02:17,973 --> 00:02:20,169
Well, I can't understand
why it is your favourite, Helen,
55
00:02:20,251 --> 00:02:21,410
it's just a picture of a lady
56
00:02:21,492 --> 00:02:22,873
holding her head and screaming.
57
00:02:22,975 --> 00:02:23,804
[Audience laughing]
58
00:02:23,906 --> 00:02:24,976
Ready!
59
00:02:25,079 --> 00:02:26,874
Right, better go now, my love.
60
00:02:26,976 --> 00:02:28,930
Yes, I'd love to know what
you got planned for today,
61
00:02:29,012 --> 00:02:30,310
but call you back
in five minutes.
62
00:02:30,392 --> 00:02:32,773
Promise, bye!
63
00:02:32,875 --> 00:02:34,290
Sorry about that!
64
00:02:34,393 --> 00:02:35,911
[Audience laughing]
65
00:02:36,014 --> 00:02:37,395
We're rolling.
66
00:02:38,428 --> 00:02:41,259
[Camera whirring]
67
00:02:45,810 --> 00:02:46,535
[Colin coughs]
68
00:02:46,638 --> 00:02:49,296
[Audience laughing]
69
00:02:49,398 --> 00:02:52,056
It is the catarrh, I
thought as much.
70
00:02:52,157 --> 00:02:53,262
Oh god!
71
00:02:53,364 --> 00:02:54,089
You should have been
wearing green like the rest of us.
72
00:02:54,192 --> 00:02:55,538
It's an yves st Laurent!
73
00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:57,159
Please, boys!
74
00:02:57,262 --> 00:02:58,435
Yves st Laurent?
75
00:02:58,538 --> 00:03:00,284
Deputy managers get an extra
clothing allowance, you know.
76
00:03:00,366 --> 00:03:02,009
Yes, all right, there's no
need to ram it down my throat!
77
00:03:02,091 --> 00:03:03,699
Look, it's no picnic being
deputy manager, you know,
78
00:03:03,781 --> 00:03:05,459
I have to shoulder a
lot of extra responsibility.
79
00:03:05,541 --> 00:03:07,060
The buck stops here.
80
00:03:07,161 --> 00:03:07,886
Boys!
81
00:03:07,989 --> 00:03:09,163
[Audience laughing]
82
00:03:09,266 --> 00:03:09,680
Mr. Brittas, I'm gonna have
to go and change the shirt.
83
00:03:09,783 --> 00:03:10,783
Hurry up, Gavin!
84
00:03:12,577 --> 00:03:14,959
And where do you think
you're going, penny?
85
00:03:15,061 --> 00:03:17,235
I'm going to turn a
woman over on a sunbed.
86
00:03:17,337 --> 00:03:18,062
[Mr. Brittas mimics penny]
87
00:03:18,165 --> 00:03:19,152
-Mr. Brittas?
-What?
88
00:03:19,234 --> 00:03:19,821
I ought to go and check
everything's all right
89
00:03:19,924 --> 00:03:21,926
with the pirate party.
90
00:03:22,028 --> 00:03:23,064
Curly wurlies!
91
00:03:23,166 --> 00:03:23,994
What?
92
00:03:24,098 --> 00:03:25,085
I've forgotten to
put the curly wurlies
93
00:03:25,167 --> 00:03:26,375
in the picnic bags!
94
00:03:26,478 --> 00:03:27,272
Toilet!
95
00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:28,273
Check Ben, Mr. Brittas.
96
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:31,344
Just get back as quickly
as you can, please.
97
00:03:34,997 --> 00:03:36,827
Haven't you got
somewhere to go, Timothy?
98
00:03:36,929 --> 00:03:39,794
Mr. Brittas, if I get the
franchise for the canteen,
99
00:03:39,896 --> 00:03:41,725
this will be my farewell photo.
100
00:03:41,828 --> 00:03:43,105
I don't wanna miss that.
101
00:03:43,208 --> 00:03:45,865
In fact, I'm quite happy
to wait here all day.
102
00:03:45,967 --> 00:03:48,245
That won't be necessary, Tim.
103
00:03:48,347 --> 00:03:51,350
[Audience laughing]
104
00:03:53,176 --> 00:03:55,868
[All clamouring]
105
00:03:59,419 --> 00:04:01,076
Will you be quiet?
106
00:04:02,248 --> 00:04:02,973
[Audience laughing]
107
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,767
The buck stops there.
108
00:04:04,869 --> 00:04:06,250
[All clamouring]
109
00:04:06,353 --> 00:04:08,734
When can we go
back in the [stutters].
110
00:04:08,836 --> 00:04:10,458
Pool, I think she's saying pool.
111
00:04:10,561 --> 00:04:12,563
We weren't even allowed
to get our [stutters].
112
00:04:12,664 --> 00:04:13,562
Towels?
113
00:04:13,665 --> 00:04:14,721
We hadn't even
finished warming up yet!
114
00:04:14,803 --> 00:04:17,082
Yes, and we've had one
round of soggy sandwiches,
115
00:04:17,183 --> 00:04:19,323
three balloons, the treasure
island's got a puncture,
116
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,738
and now I've got
27 kids dripping wet
117
00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,000
and going berserk
in the corridor!
118
00:04:23,082 --> 00:04:25,242
Well, I'm sorry, but until
the center's properly staffed,
119
00:04:25,324 --> 00:04:26,049
I can't--no, hang on!
120
00:04:26,152 --> 00:04:28,844
I tell a lie, 24,
121
00:04:28,945 --> 00:04:30,292
'cause when he turned up,
122
00:04:31,739 --> 00:04:32,947
three jumped out of the pool
123
00:04:33,050 --> 00:04:34,948
and locked themselves
in the minibus.
124
00:04:35,878 --> 00:04:37,880
Mind you, to be fair, two
did ask for his autograph
125
00:04:37,983 --> 00:04:38,708
'cause they thought
they'd seen him
126
00:04:38,810 --> 00:04:39,901
in "nightmare on elm street".
127
00:04:39,984 --> 00:04:41,675
I want my [stutters].
128
00:04:41,777 --> 00:04:42,502
Your mummy?
129
00:04:42,605 --> 00:04:43,592
No, my [stutters].
130
00:04:43,674 --> 00:04:44,903
No, no, no, sorry, she
wants her money back!
131
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:45,937
-So do I!
-[All clamouring]
132
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:49,057
I can't possible
authorise a refund-
133
00:04:49,159 --> 00:04:51,713
you're supposed to be the
deputy manager, aren't you?
134
00:04:51,814 --> 00:04:53,333
I'm not really deputy,
135
00:04:53,436 --> 00:04:54,782
more sort of, trainee.
136
00:04:54,884 --> 00:04:57,301
-[All groaning]
-Or, on trial!
137
00:04:57,403 --> 00:04:59,302
See Mr. Brittas, he'll
sort everything out.
138
00:04:59,403 --> 00:05:00,922
-No!
-Yes!
139
00:05:01,024 --> 00:05:02,025
[All clamouring]
140
00:05:02,128 --> 00:05:03,992
Where's brittas? Get
him here and we'll-
141
00:05:04,095 --> 00:05:06,097
mini Mars bar, mini bounty,
142
00:05:06,198 --> 00:05:08,718
slammer whammer, curly wurly.
143
00:05:08,820 --> 00:05:09,773
Mini Mars bar-
144
00:05:09,855 --> 00:05:11,360
think what it'll do
to their teeth, Colin.
145
00:05:11,442 --> 00:05:12,270
You'll have the
parents up in arms.
146
00:05:12,373 --> 00:05:14,064
It's all kids eat, Linda.
147
00:05:14,167 --> 00:05:15,306
That and jellies.
148
00:05:15,408 --> 00:05:16,927
They've hardly touched them.
149
00:05:18,823 --> 00:05:21,067
Colin, this tastes rather odd.
150
00:05:21,169 --> 00:05:22,860
Dessert topping, Linda.
151
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,102
It's carpet foam!
152
00:05:25,204 --> 00:05:28,380
No, no, it can't
possibly be carpet foam,
153
00:05:28,481 --> 00:05:31,829
because I always put the
carpet foam in the top shelf
154
00:05:31,931 --> 00:05:35,521
of my locker after I've finished
cleaning for the evening.
155
00:05:37,450 --> 00:05:39,624
I thought those
carpets smelt funny.
156
00:05:39,726 --> 00:05:41,900
[Audience laughing]
157
00:05:42,003 --> 00:05:43,315
Are we now ready?
158
00:05:43,417 --> 00:05:44,417
[Staff] Yes.
159
00:05:46,177 --> 00:05:47,177
We're rolling.
160
00:05:47,936 --> 00:05:50,145
[Camera whirring]
161
00:05:50,247 --> 00:05:50,937
[Audience laughing]
162
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:52,145
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
163
00:05:53,869 --> 00:05:56,147
What now?
164
00:05:56,249 --> 00:05:58,251
I can't just keep up
this smiling, you know.
165
00:05:58,353 --> 00:05:59,734
Look, we've lost the sun.
166
00:05:59,836 --> 00:06:01,838
It's gone behind a
cloud, Mr. Brittas.
167
00:06:01,940 --> 00:06:03,528
We tend to get
them in this country.
168
00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:06,530
[Audience laughing]
169
00:06:06,631 --> 00:06:08,564
Does it really matter
that much, Mr. Brittas?
170
00:06:08,666 --> 00:06:11,151
Gavin, once he
presses that button,
171
00:06:11,254 --> 00:06:13,601
we are captured for prosperity.
172
00:06:13,702 --> 00:06:14,979
When, in years from now,
173
00:06:15,082 --> 00:06:17,188
people are trawling
through the archives
174
00:06:17,290 --> 00:06:18,671
and they wipe the dust off
175
00:06:18,772 --> 00:06:22,431
whitbury new town
leisure centre, team 1996,
176
00:06:22,533 --> 00:06:23,741
what is it to be?
177
00:06:23,843 --> 00:06:26,984
A merely acceptable image
taken in the dullish light?
178
00:06:27,086 --> 00:06:29,640
Or the 10 of us bathed
in glorious sunshine,
179
00:06:29,742 --> 00:06:32,089
with the centre glinting
in the background?
180
00:06:32,191 --> 00:06:34,538
I think we all know the answer.
181
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:35,365
[Audience laughing]
182
00:06:35,468 --> 00:06:36,952
It's clouding over, Mr. Brittas.
183
00:06:37,054 --> 00:06:38,007
[Gordon groans]
184
00:06:38,089 --> 00:06:40,574
Look, let's just
adjourn to the centre,
185
00:06:40,676 --> 00:06:42,609
and I'll keep a check
on the weather reports.
186
00:06:44,781 --> 00:06:47,646
I'm booked to go to
tenerife a week on Tuesday.
187
00:06:47,748 --> 00:06:49,198
[Audience laughing]
188
00:06:49,299 --> 00:06:50,852
[All complaining]
189
00:06:50,955 --> 00:06:51,852
[Gordon] Right,
excuse me please-
190
00:06:51,956 --> 00:06:53,923
-oh, here he is!
-Excuse me, please,
191
00:06:54,025 --> 00:06:57,511
excuse me, right,
attention please!
192
00:06:57,613 --> 00:07:00,271
All areas previously off limits
193
00:07:00,372 --> 00:07:02,512
are now once more accessible.
194
00:07:02,614 --> 00:07:04,788
[Customers cheer]
195
00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:07,514
Except, that is, for the
gym and the swimming pool.
196
00:07:07,616 --> 00:07:08,568
[Customers groan]
197
00:07:08,650 --> 00:07:11,757
Right, so swimmers may
paddle in the foot wash.
198
00:07:11,858 --> 00:07:13,205
[Audience laughing]
199
00:07:13,307 --> 00:07:16,034
Aerobics may take
place by the salad bar,
200
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:19,794
and the pirate party can take
place in squash court three.
201
00:07:19,895 --> 00:07:20,847
[All complaining]
202
00:07:20,930 --> 00:07:22,173
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
203
00:07:23,345 --> 00:07:25,209
Wet feet, wet feet, wet feet!
204
00:07:25,311 --> 00:07:26,747
Carole, flip flops
all around, please.
205
00:07:26,829 --> 00:07:27,899
Yes, Mr. Brittas.
206
00:07:28,001 --> 00:07:29,037
That's two pound 50,
207
00:07:29,140 --> 00:07:30,934
and five pound deposit
per pair, thank you.
208
00:07:31,037 --> 00:07:32,107
[Audience laughing]
209
00:07:32,210 --> 00:07:33,438
Why didn't we just close
the centre for the morning?
210
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,798
Why is watford gap
nowhere near watford?
211
00:07:35,900 --> 00:07:38,489
Why do we get fluff
in our belly buttons?
212
00:07:38,591 --> 00:07:39,696
Mr. Brittas?
213
00:07:39,798 --> 00:07:40,820
You know you've got that
man from the English heritage
214
00:07:40,902 --> 00:07:41,854
waiting upstairs.
215
00:07:41,936 --> 00:07:42,765
Yes.
216
00:07:42,868 --> 00:07:43,593
And they're still
waiting to demolish
217
00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:44,559
the old air raid shelter.
218
00:07:44,661 --> 00:07:45,697
-Yes.
-Mr. Brittas,
219
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,202
I wonder, do you
think it might be an idea
220
00:07:47,284 --> 00:07:49,838
to postpone the photograph
until tomorrow morning?
221
00:07:49,939 --> 00:07:52,632
Gavin, have you been
to safeways recently?
222
00:07:53,595 --> 00:07:56,771
There is a giant display of
pineapple chunk cans there.
223
00:07:56,872 --> 00:07:59,530
Take one can from the middle
of the pile, and what happens?
224
00:07:59,632 --> 00:08:01,392
You get beaten up
by the store detectives.
225
00:08:01,495 --> 00:08:02,482
[Audience laughing]
226
00:08:02,564 --> 00:08:05,256
The whole display
collapses, Timothy.
227
00:08:05,358 --> 00:08:06,345
I see.
228
00:08:06,427 --> 00:08:08,187
See this diary?
229
00:08:08,290 --> 00:08:10,740
If we postpone the
photograph 'til tomorrow,
230
00:08:10,842 --> 00:08:12,933
what happens is we have to
move the air conditioning service
231
00:08:13,015 --> 00:08:15,017
to the afternoon, which
means you have to postpone
232
00:08:15,119 --> 00:08:17,570
the argos whitbury branch
squash semifinal draw
233
00:08:17,672 --> 00:08:18,659
to the following day
234
00:08:18,741 --> 00:08:20,709
which has serious
knock on implications
235
00:08:20,810 --> 00:08:22,087
for the locker security review,
236
00:08:22,190 --> 00:08:23,971
the southern counties
leisure centres association
237
00:08:24,053 --> 00:08:25,641
logo shortlist discussion,
238
00:08:25,743 --> 00:08:28,125
and dawn Dipper's
enrollment session too.
239
00:08:28,227 --> 00:08:29,524
But the afternoon's
completely free,
240
00:08:29,606 --> 00:08:30,711
what about then?
241
00:08:30,814 --> 00:08:32,713
Whoo, no it's not, Timothy.
242
00:08:33,849 --> 00:08:36,645
It's a free afternoon session.
243
00:08:36,746 --> 00:08:38,403
[Audience laughing]
244
00:08:38,506 --> 00:08:41,233
We have to keep one
afternoon free a month
245
00:08:41,334 --> 00:08:42,508
to get our breath back.
246
00:08:42,610 --> 00:08:44,094
[Gordon pants]
247
00:08:44,197 --> 00:08:45,888
If you'll excuse me.
248
00:08:48,923 --> 00:08:49,924
[Bell dings]
249
00:08:50,026 --> 00:08:51,566
Oh, welcome to whitbury
new town leisure centre,
250
00:08:51,648 --> 00:08:53,650
how--may I help you? Yes.
251
00:08:53,752 --> 00:08:56,169
Well, you can start by
looking after that and this,
252
00:08:56,270 --> 00:08:58,824
it's got my spare films in.
253
00:08:58,926 --> 00:09:00,030
That'll two pounds.
254
00:09:00,133 --> 00:09:01,120
What?
255
00:09:01,203 --> 00:09:03,067
Storage fee, don't
worry, you'll get it back.
256
00:09:03,169 --> 00:09:03,893
What, the two pounds?
257
00:09:03,997 --> 00:09:05,309
No, the bag.
258
00:09:05,411 --> 00:09:07,275
[Audience laughing]
259
00:09:07,377 --> 00:09:08,101
Oh, Mr. Mendip!
260
00:09:08,205 --> 00:09:09,158
-No!
-Please!
261
00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:10,793
-No!
-Ben loves parties!
262
00:09:12,344 --> 00:09:14,312
I remember last
year, Mrs. Parkinson.
263
00:09:14,414 --> 00:09:15,898
He had such a good time.
264
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,829
He got hold of the flymo.
265
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:20,072
He was just a
little high-spirited!
266
00:09:20,175 --> 00:09:22,556
I used to do punch and
Judy shows, you know.
267
00:09:22,658 --> 00:09:25,316
[Audience laughing]
268
00:09:25,417 --> 00:09:26,832
Blimmin' kids!
269
00:09:26,935 --> 00:09:27,832
Hey, wait!
270
00:09:27,935 --> 00:09:29,626
-What?
-You can't do it yet.
271
00:09:29,729 --> 00:09:32,180
Look, this demolition
was booked for 10:30.
272
00:09:32,281 --> 00:09:34,697
We've been wired up
ready for the last hour.
273
00:09:34,799 --> 00:09:37,146
I can't leave it like
this, I gotta make it safe.
274
00:09:37,249 --> 00:09:40,252
Ah, well Mr. Brittas wants
his photo with all the staff.
275
00:09:40,353 --> 00:09:41,630
But I saw you all go back in.
276
00:09:41,733 --> 00:09:42,927
Yeah, but we'll all
be coming out again
277
00:09:43,009 --> 00:09:44,321
as soon as the sun comes out.
278
00:09:44,423 --> 00:09:46,736
Mr. Brittas wants the
light to be just right.
279
00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:48,908
It's only a photo, not
"Lawrence of Arabia".
280
00:09:49,011 --> 00:09:50,012
[Audience laughing]
281
00:09:50,114 --> 00:09:51,516
Hey, it's not going to
be a right big bang, is it?
282
00:09:51,598 --> 00:09:52,875
I don't wanna give birth.
283
00:09:52,977 --> 00:09:56,291
No, it's muffled, it's
just four concrete walls.
284
00:09:56,393 --> 00:09:57,428
They'll implode.
285
00:09:57,531 --> 00:09:58,946
As long as there
is nothing inside,
286
00:09:59,048 --> 00:10:01,016
there won't be
any debris either.
287
00:10:01,117 --> 00:10:03,603
Wonder how many seven
year olds you could fit in there.
288
00:10:03,705 --> 00:10:06,570
[Workman laughs]
289
00:10:06,672 --> 00:10:09,226
Sorry about that Mr. Humphries.
290
00:10:09,328 --> 00:10:11,502
["Fur Elise"]
291
00:10:11,604 --> 00:10:13,502
I said sorry about
that, Mr. Humphries!
292
00:10:13,605 --> 00:10:14,951
[Audience laughing]
293
00:10:15,053 --> 00:10:17,780
You now have my
undivided attention, sir.
294
00:10:17,882 --> 00:10:20,816
Yes, well, if you're sure.
295
00:10:20,917 --> 00:10:22,298
[Buzzer rings]
296
00:10:22,401 --> 00:10:23,298
Yes, Julie?
297
00:10:23,401 --> 00:10:25,299
I've got you the met office.
298
00:10:25,402 --> 00:10:26,575
Thank you, Julie.
299
00:10:26,678 --> 00:10:28,127
With you in a micro sec.
300
00:10:30,403 --> 00:10:33,440
Hello, Gordon brittas, whitbury
new town leisure centre.
301
00:10:33,542 --> 00:10:35,613
Oh, you've heard
of us, have you?
302
00:10:35,715 --> 00:10:38,649
Yes, well you see, we've
reached a bit of a cloudy spell
303
00:10:38,750 --> 00:10:40,821
at the moment, I was
wondering if you could confirm
304
00:10:40,923 --> 00:10:42,925
when we can next
expect a gap of sunshine
305
00:10:43,027 --> 00:10:44,511
of at least 10 clear minutes.
306
00:10:46,235 --> 00:10:47,498
I'd have thought it was
pretty easy, actually.
307
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:51,170
At the moment we have
bands of cumulostratus
308
00:10:51,272 --> 00:10:54,067
usually indicative of a
fast-moving weather front,
309
00:10:54,169 --> 00:10:56,309
all you've got to do
is cross-reference
310
00:10:56,411 --> 00:11:00,000
our map position,
51, 35 north, 2 west,
311
00:11:00,102 --> 00:11:02,380
with your latest satellite map,
312
00:11:02,482 --> 00:11:03,828
and then measure the wind speed
313
00:11:03,930 --> 00:11:06,209
and Bob's your uncle, all right?
314
00:11:06,310 --> 00:11:07,622
Bye, bye!
315
00:11:07,724 --> 00:11:09,761
[Audience laughing]
316
00:11:09,863 --> 00:11:12,487
Right, where were
we, Mr. Humphries?
317
00:11:13,519 --> 00:11:15,935
Now, you've made an
application to our office
318
00:11:16,038 --> 00:11:17,384
for your centre
to be registered-
319
00:11:17,487 --> 00:11:19,489
-[alarm blares]
-[Mr. Humphries groans]
320
00:11:19,590 --> 00:11:20,715
It's all right, Mr. Humphries,
321
00:11:20,797 --> 00:11:24,353
it's only our regular Wednesday
morning fire alarm test.
322
00:11:24,454 --> 00:11:26,767
You are very jumpy, aren't you?
323
00:11:26,868 --> 00:11:28,353
What I recommend to you,
324
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:31,424
is our health spa
De-stress programme,
325
00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:32,975
tailor-made for
people like yourself
326
00:11:33,077 --> 00:11:34,769
who suffer from
premature ageing.
327
00:11:34,871 --> 00:11:36,183
[Audience laughing]
328
00:11:36,286 --> 00:11:38,771
Look, I am fine.
329
00:11:38,872 --> 00:11:40,322
It's just sudden noises.
330
00:11:40,425 --> 00:11:42,254
I just spent three
months on the isle of iona
331
00:11:42,357 --> 00:11:44,842
supervising the
underpinning of the monastery.
332
00:11:44,943 --> 00:11:46,704
I still haven't got
re-acclimatized.
333
00:11:46,806 --> 00:11:48,277
-[Phone ringing]
-[Mr. Humphries groans]
334
00:11:48,358 --> 00:11:49,358
Oh, do excuse me.
335
00:11:51,738 --> 00:11:52,843
Hello, my darling.
336
00:11:52,945 --> 00:11:55,085
It's gonna have to
be quick, I'm afraid.
337
00:11:55,188 --> 00:11:57,708
Really? I'm very proud, Helen.
338
00:11:57,809 --> 00:12:00,156
Very, very proud indeed.
339
00:12:00,258 --> 00:12:01,211
Now you be careful,
340
00:12:01,294 --> 00:12:03,365
you've not done this
sort of exercise before.
341
00:12:03,466 --> 00:12:05,365
I've got a message from
the met office for you.
342
00:12:05,467 --> 00:12:06,710
All right, thanks Julie.
343
00:12:06,812 --> 00:12:07,799
Now, my darling,
344
00:12:07,881 --> 00:12:10,056
what I suggest you do is
some warmup exercises,
345
00:12:10,157 --> 00:12:12,042
'cause you're going to put a
lot of pressure on your femur.
346
00:12:12,124 --> 00:12:14,299
What I suggest is
10 groin squeezes.
347
00:12:16,677 --> 00:12:17,664
What is it, Julie?
348
00:12:17,746 --> 00:12:19,251
Right, well, they said
the next sunny interval
349
00:12:19,333 --> 00:12:22,198
will be at 11:35 and last
12 and a half minutes.
350
00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:23,425
There will then
be a short shower
351
00:12:23,507 --> 00:12:25,094
which should just
clear the Ford Sierra
352
00:12:25,197 --> 00:12:26,288
at the east end of the car park.
353
00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:28,441
Excellent, Julie!
354
00:12:28,543 --> 00:12:31,581
I think they were being
facetious, Mr. Brittas.
355
00:12:31,682 --> 00:12:34,340
Gotta go now, my darling, yes,
356
00:12:34,442 --> 00:12:36,754
I'm behind you 110% of the way.
357
00:12:36,856 --> 00:12:39,686
All right, bye! [Laughs]
358
00:12:39,788 --> 00:12:41,583
[Audience laughing]
359
00:12:41,685 --> 00:12:42,928
Mr. Humphries, how many men
360
00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:44,998
can boast of a wife
who, at the age of 40,
361
00:12:45,099 --> 00:12:46,687
decides to take up jumping?
362
00:12:46,790 --> 00:12:48,895
[Audience laughing]
363
00:12:48,998 --> 00:12:50,033
Thank you.
364
00:12:55,206 --> 00:12:57,208
Are you feeling
better, Mrs. Brittas?
365
00:12:59,035 --> 00:13:00,313
Armitage shanks.
366
00:13:00,415 --> 00:13:01,589
Pardon?
367
00:13:01,691 --> 00:13:03,972
Toilet bowls, they're always
armitage shanks, aren't they?
368
00:13:04,899 --> 00:13:07,177
No, I tell a lie, I saw
an ideal standard
369
00:13:07,279 --> 00:13:08,315
just after breakfast.
370
00:13:08,417 --> 00:13:11,006
[Audience laughing]
371
00:13:11,107 --> 00:13:12,833
[Ben crying]
372
00:13:12,936 --> 00:13:16,008
Don't cry, Ben, I'm sure
there might be a party bag
373
00:13:16,109 --> 00:13:17,490
at the end of the day.
374
00:13:17,593 --> 00:13:19,167
Can we have some more
balloons up there, please?
375
00:13:19,249 --> 00:13:21,043
Yes, of course, Mr. Mendip.
376
00:13:21,146 --> 00:13:23,735
I'm very sorry I tried to get
Ben invited to your party,
377
00:13:23,836 --> 00:13:25,148
it was very pushy of me,
378
00:13:25,251 --> 00:13:28,495
especially when you'd got
all the numbers worked out.
379
00:13:28,596 --> 00:13:31,564
[Ben crying]
380
00:13:31,666 --> 00:13:33,978
They've just got to
learn, haven't they?
381
00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:36,083
A good dose of
sitting all alone,
382
00:13:36,184 --> 00:13:38,773
listening to all the
happy, laughing voices.
383
00:13:38,875 --> 00:13:41,049
I think a child lucky
enough to get a headstart
384
00:13:41,152 --> 00:13:42,636
in paranoia and insecurity-
385
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:44,844
all right, all right.
386
00:13:44,946 --> 00:13:46,050
Let him come.
387
00:13:46,153 --> 00:13:48,707
Oh, Ben, you shall
go to the party!
388
00:13:48,810 --> 00:13:50,398
That's if it's all
right, Mr. Mendip,
389
00:13:50,499 --> 00:13:51,189
ooh, Ben, stop that!
390
00:13:51,293 --> 00:13:52,881
Put that sword away, not now!
391
00:13:52,983 --> 00:13:56,470
Now, if you could just do
this, push the button here.
392
00:13:56,570 --> 00:13:58,469
Now, Ben's right
side is his best,
393
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,953
and he usually prefers the
last present in pass the parcel,
394
00:14:01,054 --> 00:14:03,056
if that's all right, Mr. Mendip.
395
00:14:03,159 --> 00:14:04,146
Now--[phone rings]
396
00:14:04,228 --> 00:14:05,264
Hold on.
397
00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:06,747
[Mr. Humphries groans]
398
00:14:06,849 --> 00:14:07,919
[Mobile rings]
399
00:14:08,022 --> 00:14:09,195
[Mr. Humphries groans]
400
00:14:09,298 --> 00:14:10,195
[Buzzer rings]
401
00:14:10,299 --> 00:14:11,162
[Mr. Humphries groans]
402
00:14:11,265 --> 00:14:12,252
He's busy!
403
00:14:12,334 --> 00:14:13,404
[Audience laughing]
404
00:14:13,507 --> 00:14:14,460
Mr. Humphries.
405
00:14:14,542 --> 00:14:16,716
I am not stressed!
406
00:14:16,818 --> 00:14:19,855
[Audience laughing]
407
00:14:22,854 --> 00:14:25,029
Now, you've made
application to us
408
00:14:25,131 --> 00:14:28,342
at English heritage for your
leisure centre to be registered
409
00:14:28,442 --> 00:14:30,582
as a grade one listed building.
410
00:14:30,685 --> 00:14:34,620
Mr. Brittas, this status is
usually conferred on buildings
411
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:38,103
of a distinguished architectural
and historical nature-
412
00:14:38,204 --> 00:14:40,345
precisely, which is
why we have a duty
413
00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:42,724
to ensure that in a
hundred years from now,
414
00:14:42,826 --> 00:14:45,725
whitbury new town leisure
centre is still standing,
415
00:14:45,827 --> 00:14:47,415
proud and erect, a monument
416
00:14:47,517 --> 00:14:49,830
to the great golden
age of publicly available
417
00:14:49,931 --> 00:14:52,762
sport and leisure facilities
with ample parking.
418
00:14:52,863 --> 00:14:54,624
[Audience laughing]
419
00:14:54,726 --> 00:14:56,625
[Air whistling]
420
00:14:56,727 --> 00:14:58,419
Oh my god!
421
00:14:58,521 --> 00:15:01,283
[Audience laughing]
422
00:15:01,384 --> 00:15:04,629
1,000, 2,000, 3,000,
canopy, toggles.
423
00:15:07,454 --> 00:15:09,166
Are you sure you want
to go through with this?
424
00:15:09,248 --> 00:15:12,147
Oh yes, my therapist
said the only way
425
00:15:12,249 --> 00:15:14,596
you can really
reenergize your life
426
00:15:14,698 --> 00:15:17,114
is to confront
your own mortality.
427
00:15:17,216 --> 00:15:21,186
You think of your own worst
nightmare, your worst phobia,
428
00:15:21,287 --> 00:15:23,772
submit yourself
to it, conquer it,
429
00:15:23,873 --> 00:15:25,206
and you should
come out of it purged
430
00:15:25,288 --> 00:15:27,807
of all your
self-negative feelings.
431
00:15:27,909 --> 00:15:30,187
I don't have any phobias.
432
00:15:30,290 --> 00:15:33,154
Confined spaces, open spaces,
433
00:15:33,256 --> 00:15:36,121
drownings, electrocutions,
being buried alive,
434
00:15:36,222 --> 00:15:37,603
never really bothered me.
435
00:15:37,706 --> 00:15:38,831
I mean, when you're
married to Gordon
436
00:15:38,913 --> 00:15:40,211
you get quite used
to them all, really.
437
00:15:40,293 --> 00:15:41,245
[Audience laughing]
438
00:15:41,327 --> 00:15:43,502
Then I thought, heights.
439
00:15:45,466 --> 00:15:46,605
[Mrs. Brittas groans]
440
00:15:46,708 --> 00:15:47,881
[Pilot] Five minutes!
441
00:15:51,641 --> 00:15:53,470
Ever since our honeymoon.
442
00:15:53,573 --> 00:15:56,472
Two weeks for the price of
one at the holiday inn, croydon.
443
00:15:56,574 --> 00:15:58,182
[Audience laughing] Gordon
said he wanted to go there
444
00:15:58,263 --> 00:15:59,285
so he could see the diving board
445
00:15:59,368 --> 00:16:01,093
at the crystal
palace sports centre.
446
00:16:01,195 --> 00:16:03,991
Apparently, it's the
highest in the country.
447
00:16:04,092 --> 00:16:07,095
There we were, right at the top.
448
00:16:07,197 --> 00:16:08,750
Gordon saying you've
just got to admire
449
00:16:08,853 --> 00:16:10,717
the cantilever
tip-up seating system
450
00:16:10,819 --> 00:16:11,772
and the digital Lane timers,
451
00:16:11,854 --> 00:16:13,096
when suddenly, he slipped.
452
00:16:13,199 --> 00:16:15,581
I think it was his hush puppies.
453
00:16:15,682 --> 00:16:16,890
And I just froze.
454
00:16:18,683 --> 00:16:23,516
I can see it now, standing
at the top, peering over,
455
00:16:24,513 --> 00:16:27,757
Gordon hurtling through space,
456
00:16:27,859 --> 00:16:31,621
those synchronised
swimmers small as dots below-
457
00:16:32,550 --> 00:16:34,345
-down the corridor!
-[Mrs. Brittas retches]
458
00:16:34,447 --> 00:16:36,103
Second on the right!
459
00:16:36,206 --> 00:16:38,312
[Mrs. Brittas] I know!
460
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:41,590
We'll aim for the field
next to the racecourse.
461
00:16:41,690 --> 00:16:43,209
That Mrs. Brittas?
462
00:16:43,312 --> 00:16:44,347
Isn't she the wife of-
463
00:16:44,451 --> 00:16:45,279
yeah.
464
00:16:45,382 --> 00:16:46,521
Wasn't he the one who-
465
00:16:46,623 --> 00:16:47,348
yeah.
466
00:16:47,451 --> 00:16:48,555
My lord, what he did was-
467
00:16:48,659 --> 00:16:49,729
I know.
468
00:16:49,831 --> 00:16:52,351
It was ve day
celebrations, damn it!
469
00:16:52,453 --> 00:16:53,453
I know!
470
00:16:55,212 --> 00:16:56,475
Have you seen the state
of the swimming pool?
471
00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:58,338
I mean, there's food in
it, wrappers, bits of donut,
472
00:16:58,420 --> 00:17:00,201
one child hasn't even
bothered to use the toilet.
473
00:17:00,283 --> 00:17:02,216
Oh, don't, you're
making me all nostalgic
474
00:17:02,318 --> 00:17:03,319
for Blackpool beach.
475
00:17:03,421 --> 00:17:04,664
[Audience laughing]
476
00:17:04,767 --> 00:17:07,667
Gavin, there's been
another accident in the pool.
477
00:17:07,768 --> 00:17:08,755
Well, several actually,
478
00:17:08,837 --> 00:17:11,012
and I think it's something
the kids have eaten.
479
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,149
Why do you think that?
480
00:17:12,251 --> 00:17:14,840
I spent all last Saturday
making these sandwiches!
481
00:17:14,943 --> 00:17:16,151
[Audience laughing]
482
00:17:16,253 --> 00:17:18,083
-What a waste!
-I see what you mean.
483
00:17:18,184 --> 00:17:20,359
Still, never mind, we
can scrape off the Marge,
484
00:17:20,462 --> 00:17:23,534
take out the ham, cling
film it all again 'til next time.
485
00:17:23,635 --> 00:17:24,395
[Audience laughing]
486
00:17:24,497 --> 00:17:25,484
Well, it'll have
to be cleaned up,
487
00:17:25,566 --> 00:17:27,430
we've got those natural
childbirth semifinals
488
00:17:27,533 --> 00:17:28,623
coming in later
on, Tim, could you-
489
00:17:28,705 --> 00:17:30,293
when I'm in charge
of the canteen,
490
00:17:30,396 --> 00:17:32,038
I will never have to do
this sort of thing again.
491
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:33,363
Yes, so as a final gesture,
492
00:17:33,466 --> 00:17:35,385
if you could just run over the
surface with net and skimmer,
493
00:17:35,466 --> 00:17:36,570
I'll--yes?
494
00:17:36,674 --> 00:17:38,641
Well, do the liaising
with Mr. Brittas, you know,
495
00:17:38,743 --> 00:17:41,159
keep him updated with
progress reports and stuff.
496
00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:41,985
Gavin.
497
00:17:42,089 --> 00:17:43,076
Yes, Mr. Brittas?
498
00:17:43,158 --> 00:17:44,055
At this precise moment,
499
00:17:44,158 --> 00:17:46,367
a Mr. Humphries
of English heritage
500
00:17:46,470 --> 00:17:48,989
is touring our centre with
a view to recommending
501
00:17:49,091 --> 00:17:51,852
that it be preserved as
one of the nation's jewels,
502
00:17:51,954 --> 00:17:54,370
alongside stonehenge,
westminster Abbey,
503
00:17:54,472 --> 00:17:56,336
and brockenhurst
volleyball centre.
504
00:17:56,438 --> 00:17:57,646
[Audience laughing]
505
00:17:57,749 --> 00:18:00,027
Wouldn't it be a pity if his
impressions were coloured
506
00:18:00,128 --> 00:18:02,683
by the rubbish bags
outside the emergency exit?
507
00:18:02,785 --> 00:18:03,579
Yes. Mr. Brittas.
508
00:18:03,682 --> 00:18:05,235
Yes.
509
00:18:05,338 --> 00:18:06,753
Don't even think about it.
510
00:18:06,855 --> 00:18:09,858
[Audience laughing]
511
00:18:11,063 --> 00:18:12,996
Ugh, oh no, that's
my best Paul Smith!
512
00:18:15,202 --> 00:18:16,307
All right, Gavin?
513
00:18:16,410 --> 00:18:18,550
Oh, Linda, Linda, couldn't
give us a hand, could you?
514
00:18:18,652 --> 00:18:19,881
Mr. Brittas wants
these hidden away
515
00:18:19,963 --> 00:18:21,378
from the English
heritage inspector.
516
00:18:21,481 --> 00:18:22,985
I thought we'd just put
them in there for now.
517
00:18:23,067 --> 00:18:23,965
-All right?
-Okay.
518
00:18:24,067 --> 00:18:25,621
[Gavin] Great.
519
00:18:25,723 --> 00:18:28,450
Oi, I thought I was
lending a hand.
520
00:18:28,552 --> 00:18:31,451
Yes, I just thought
I'd tell Mr. Brittas-
521
00:18:31,553 --> 00:18:32,588
yes?
522
00:18:32,691 --> 00:18:34,037
That you're lending a hand.
523
00:18:34,139 --> 00:18:36,694
Otherwise he might wonder
where you are, that sort of thing.
524
00:18:36,795 --> 00:18:37,831
Staff liaison.
525
00:18:39,038 --> 00:18:41,109
[Audience laughing]
526
00:18:41,210 --> 00:18:42,867
Oh, what a mess!
527
00:18:42,970 --> 00:18:45,041
Well, that's kids.
528
00:18:45,142 --> 00:18:47,144
Vasectomies, they're so easy.
529
00:18:47,247 --> 00:18:49,145
[Audience laughing]
530
00:18:49,248 --> 00:18:50,546
Well, we'll have
to drain the pool.
531
00:18:50,628 --> 00:18:53,320
[Colin] No need
to drain the pool!
532
00:18:53,422 --> 00:18:54,581
Where did you get
that equipment from?
533
00:18:54,663 --> 00:18:55,492
[Audience laughing]
534
00:18:55,594 --> 00:18:56,581
Well, it can't be
whitbury scuba club,
535
00:18:56,664 --> 00:18:58,273
they haven't been back
since we covered the pool
536
00:18:58,354 --> 00:18:59,548
for the night and
they were still in there.
537
00:18:59,630 --> 00:19:00,617
It's amazing what
you can pick up
538
00:19:00,700 --> 00:19:02,426
at a car boot sale nowadays.
539
00:19:02,527 --> 00:19:04,598
I've just found this
spare tank of air.
540
00:19:04,701 --> 00:19:06,392
Now, we'll use the skimmer
541
00:19:06,495 --> 00:19:07,895
for the liquid stuff
on the surface,
542
00:19:07,978 --> 00:19:10,808
and any stubborn bits or
stuff that's stuck in the filter,
543
00:19:10,910 --> 00:19:14,292
I'll pick up by hand into
my underwater scooper.
544
00:19:14,393 --> 00:19:17,051
Should be done in a jiffy, if
you could just give me a hand.
545
00:19:21,016 --> 00:19:23,881
[Water splashing]
546
00:19:27,328 --> 00:19:29,503
I should be about
20 minutes, Tim.
547
00:19:29,605 --> 00:19:30,765
What if we need
to get hold of you?
548
00:19:30,847 --> 00:19:34,368
Ah, divers have a special
language, Tim, now.
549
00:19:36,435 --> 00:19:38,471
This means, okay,
550
00:19:40,712 --> 00:19:41,747
I have a problem.
551
00:19:44,092 --> 00:19:45,404
I'm drowning?
552
00:19:45,507 --> 00:19:46,231
I'm low on air.
553
00:19:46,334 --> 00:19:47,818
What about, the sun's out,
554
00:19:47,921 --> 00:19:49,840
and if we don't get the photo
done in the next five minutes
555
00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:52,131
the photographer will
have a nervous breakdown?
556
00:19:53,233 --> 00:19:54,925
Colin, one problem.
557
00:19:55,026 --> 00:19:56,476
I won't be underwater with you.
558
00:19:56,579 --> 00:19:57,476
You're right, Tim.
559
00:19:57,580 --> 00:19:58,788
I hadn't thought about that.
560
00:19:58,890 --> 00:20:00,892
Hey Tim, I can't
miss that photograph.
561
00:20:00,994 --> 00:20:03,223
I've promised three copies to
me auntie Hetty in tasmania,
562
00:20:03,305 --> 00:20:04,548
then there's my step-niece-
563
00:20:04,651 --> 00:20:06,825
-oh, charlene!
-Here, tie this on here.
564
00:20:07,652 --> 00:20:09,447
And then, if we need
to get hold of you
565
00:20:09,548 --> 00:20:11,274
I'll just give you a yank.
566
00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:14,380
Better make it three
yanks, just to be sure.
567
00:20:14,481 --> 00:20:19,141
1,000, 2,000,
3,000, 4,000, 5,000.
568
00:20:19,241 --> 00:20:22,037
You open at 3,000, Mrs. Brittas.
569
00:20:22,139 --> 00:20:23,865
8,000, 9,000-
570
00:20:23,966 --> 00:20:26,590
Mrs. Brittas, you've
hit the ground!
571
00:20:26,691 --> 00:20:27,485
What?
572
00:20:27,589 --> 00:20:28,313
[Audience laughing]
573
00:20:28,416 --> 00:20:30,038
Oh my god, I froze!
574
00:20:30,141 --> 00:20:31,763
What if that happens
when I jump?
575
00:20:31,866 --> 00:20:34,316
You're on a static
line, Mrs. Brittas,
576
00:20:34,418 --> 00:20:37,007
if that fails, you've
got a back-up chute.
577
00:20:37,108 --> 00:20:38,593
Well, what if I lose it?
578
00:20:38,695 --> 00:20:40,525
It's attached to your shoulder.
579
00:20:40,627 --> 00:20:42,974
But what if I get attacked
by a flock of starlings
580
00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:43,973
and they peck it off me?
581
00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:45,478
-[Audience laughing]
-Mrs. Brittas-
582
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:47,907
there's so many things
that could go wrong,
583
00:20:48,009 --> 00:20:49,514
I don't think I can
go through with it.
584
00:20:49,596 --> 00:20:52,978
But you've come through
with flying colours, so far.
585
00:20:53,079 --> 00:20:56,013
The fitness training,
the rehearsal jump,
586
00:20:56,114 --> 00:20:58,807
filling in the supplementary
life insurance form-
587
00:20:58,908 --> 00:20:59,861
what?
588
00:20:59,944 --> 00:21:01,152
Just a joke, Mrs. Brittas,
589
00:21:01,254 --> 00:21:02,980
to put you at your ease.
590
00:21:03,082 --> 00:21:05,187
Now, it's all very
straightforward.
591
00:21:05,290 --> 00:21:08,914
We're gonna let you out just
five miles west of whitbury,
592
00:21:09,015 --> 00:21:10,810
and you should hit, sorry!
593
00:21:10,912 --> 00:21:14,226
Land in a large
open field there.
594
00:21:14,327 --> 00:21:18,124
I think I'm making
a terrible mistake.
595
00:21:18,225 --> 00:21:19,916
What do I do?
596
00:21:20,019 --> 00:21:22,331
What would your
husband want you to do?
597
00:21:23,227 --> 00:21:24,179
Gordon, that's right!
598
00:21:24,261 --> 00:21:26,056
I'll ask Gordon,
where's my mobile?
599
00:21:27,297 --> 00:21:32,371
Oh no, I think I'm
gonna, it's the turbulence,
600
00:21:32,678 --> 00:21:34,680
how high, don't look
out of the window!
601
00:21:34,782 --> 00:21:35,942
Don't look out of the window.
602
00:21:36,024 --> 00:21:39,614
We haven't left the
ground yet, Mrs. Brittas.
603
00:21:41,474 --> 00:21:42,544
Oh, Humphrey?
604
00:21:42,646 --> 00:21:45,269
These are the
original sliding doors.
605
00:21:45,371 --> 00:21:47,960
Mr. Brittas, the deadline
for application is today
606
00:21:48,061 --> 00:21:50,892
if you want to make the
new register, so I must get on.
607
00:21:50,993 --> 00:21:51,980
Well, you don't have much time
608
00:21:52,063 --> 00:21:53,582
to stand around
here talking, do you?
609
00:21:53,685 --> 00:21:56,688
[Audience laughing]
610
00:21:56,788 --> 00:21:59,239
Look, madam, we've
got other jobs to go to.
611
00:21:59,341 --> 00:22:01,827
Tell your guv'ner
we either do it now,
612
00:22:01,928 --> 00:22:03,447
or we've gotta come
back another day.
613
00:22:03,550 --> 00:22:05,586
All right, I'll go
and see Mr. Brittas.
614
00:22:06,551 --> 00:22:09,381
[Phone dialling]
615
00:22:09,483 --> 00:22:12,865
Right, the man downstairs
says, can he go ahead now?
616
00:22:12,966 --> 00:22:14,505
Otherwise he'll have
to come back later.
617
00:22:14,587 --> 00:22:16,092
I've already told him
to get on with it, Julie,
618
00:22:16,174 --> 00:22:17,368
as quickly as possible, please.
619
00:22:17,450 --> 00:22:18,313
Right.
620
00:22:18,417 --> 00:22:19,279
Oh, and can you tell
him to make a note?
621
00:22:19,382 --> 00:22:20,763
We've got three disabled toilets
622
00:22:20,865 --> 00:22:23,592
and can handle teas
up to a hundred people.
623
00:22:23,694 --> 00:22:24,694
Right.
624
00:22:25,626 --> 00:22:27,800
Can you collect
your son, please?
625
00:22:27,902 --> 00:22:29,697
Why, is the party over already?
626
00:22:30,558 --> 00:22:32,560
He had a screaming fit,
627
00:22:32,662 --> 00:22:33,822
so I let him have
the big present
628
00:22:33,904 --> 00:22:35,802
at the end of pass the parcel.
629
00:22:35,905 --> 00:22:36,768
He carried on screaming,
630
00:22:36,870 --> 00:22:39,217
so I rigged musical
chairs for him.
631
00:22:39,319 --> 00:22:42,356
I let him have the first prize
in the pirate fancy dress,
632
00:22:42,458 --> 00:22:45,461
and the second, and third,
and the consolation prize.
633
00:22:45,563 --> 00:22:47,875
Finally, he took three girls
hostage in the racquet locker
634
00:22:47,977 --> 00:22:49,240
and he said he
wouldn't release them
635
00:22:49,322 --> 00:22:51,013
until he'd been given
all the party bags,
636
00:22:51,116 --> 00:22:52,842
which he's now eating.
637
00:22:54,082 --> 00:22:55,083
Party bags?
638
00:22:55,186 --> 00:22:57,360
Yes, all 27 of them!
639
00:22:57,463 --> 00:22:58,878
[Audience laughing]
640
00:22:58,981 --> 00:23:02,225
You're letting him
eat 27 party bags?
641
00:23:02,326 --> 00:23:05,536
Have you any idea what
that will do to his teeth?
642
00:23:06,983 --> 00:23:07,935
[Mr. Mendip grunts]
643
00:23:08,017 --> 00:23:11,055
[Audience laughing]
644
00:23:16,020 --> 00:23:17,090
Sun!
645
00:23:17,193 --> 00:23:18,228
[Audience laughing]
646
00:23:18,331 --> 00:23:19,353
You don't look very well,
you've gone very green,
647
00:23:19,436 --> 00:23:20,423
and shall I rub your
tummy, make it feel better?
648
00:23:20,505 --> 00:23:21,575
[Linda] Sun's out!
649
00:23:21,677 --> 00:23:22,402
What?
650
00:23:22,505 --> 00:23:23,816
Sun's out, I'll get Mr. Brittas.
651
00:23:23,919 --> 00:23:25,596
Oh, right, darling, mummy's
got to go away for a minute,
652
00:23:25,678 --> 00:23:26,665
oh no, don't be sick, Ben!
653
00:23:26,747 --> 00:23:27,645
I'll get a bucket.
654
00:23:27,748 --> 00:23:28,749
[Audience laughing]
655
00:23:28,852 --> 00:23:31,130
[Ben whines]
656
00:23:31,231 --> 00:23:34,131
[Ben retches]
657
00:23:34,232 --> 00:23:38,305
I'm sorry, Mr. Brittas, it is
a fairly attractive design,
658
00:23:38,406 --> 00:23:40,201
but we are only
listing buildings
659
00:23:40,303 --> 00:23:43,030
that have specific
historical interest.
660
00:23:43,132 --> 00:23:46,204
However, behind your building,
661
00:23:46,305 --> 00:23:49,792
I noticed an original
powkerby jepson
662
00:23:49,893 --> 00:23:51,654
concrete air-raid shelter.
663
00:23:51,755 --> 00:23:53,895
One of only two
remaining in existence.
664
00:23:53,998 --> 00:23:55,965
Not only do I recommend
it for grade one status,
665
00:23:56,067 --> 00:23:59,001
but to alter it in any way
would be an infringement
666
00:23:59,102 --> 00:24:01,760
of the town and country
planning act 1970.
667
00:24:01,862 --> 00:24:02,587
Helen?
668
00:24:02,690 --> 00:24:03,415
[Linda knocks]
669
00:24:03,518 --> 00:24:04,242
Sun's out!
670
00:24:04,346 --> 00:24:05,071
What?
671
00:24:05,173 --> 00:24:06,126
Gotta dash, my darling!
672
00:24:06,208 --> 00:24:07,899
-What?
-Not you, humph.
673
00:24:08,002 --> 00:24:09,555
[Audience laughing]
674
00:24:09,658 --> 00:24:11,556
What happened to that
blimmin' gas canister?
675
00:24:11,659 --> 00:24:13,661
Well, it was here before.
676
00:24:13,762 --> 00:24:14,487
Sun's out!
677
00:24:14,591 --> 00:24:15,591
Ooh.
678
00:24:16,625 --> 00:24:19,697
[Audience laughing]
679
00:24:22,903 --> 00:24:26,113
Colin, Colin!
680
00:24:28,664 --> 00:24:30,113
[Bubbles whoosh]
681
00:24:30,216 --> 00:24:33,840
[Audience laughing]
682
00:24:33,941 --> 00:24:35,943
[Water splashes]
683
00:24:36,045 --> 00:24:37,668
[Colin gurgling]
684
00:24:37,770 --> 00:24:38,770
Oh god!
685
00:24:42,909 --> 00:24:45,153
Ladies and gentlemen,
all areas of main reception
686
00:24:45,254 --> 00:24:46,601
are off-limits again,
687
00:24:46,703 --> 00:24:49,188
customers are welcome, of
course, to gather in reception
688
00:24:49,291 --> 00:24:51,017
and avail themselves
of facilities therein,
689
00:24:51,118 --> 00:24:51,878
thank you, bye.
690
00:24:51,981 --> 00:24:52,775
What facilities?
691
00:24:52,878 --> 00:24:53,865
Well, there's the
vending machines,
692
00:24:53,947 --> 00:24:56,777
a view of the car park,
a lovely floor to walk on.
693
00:24:56,879 --> 00:24:57,900
Mr. Brittas,
Mr. Brittas, Mr. Brittas,
694
00:24:57,983 --> 00:24:59,053
come quickly, it's Colin!
695
00:24:59,156 --> 00:25:00,847
Excuse me on second, please.
696
00:25:00,950 --> 00:25:01,675
What's wrong with him?
697
00:25:01,777 --> 00:25:02,502
[Tim] He's just come-
698
00:25:02,605 --> 00:25:03,985
can I have, ah!
699
00:25:05,089 --> 00:25:08,126
[Audience groaning]
700
00:25:08,986 --> 00:25:11,299
[Colin gibbering]
701
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:13,195
He's come up too
quick, he's got the bends.
702
00:25:13,298 --> 00:25:14,437
Linda, get an ambulance.
703
00:25:14,540 --> 00:25:16,369
Please, Mr. Brittas,
I'll be all right.
704
00:25:16,472 --> 00:25:17,783
Don't let me miss the photo!
705
00:25:17,886 --> 00:25:20,751
Stay calm, Colin, we've
got to get you to hospital.
706
00:25:20,852 --> 00:25:21,805
But Mr. Brittas-
707
00:25:21,887 --> 00:25:24,545
you've got to go to a
decompression chamber.
708
00:25:24,646 --> 00:25:27,407
I'll miss the photo, I'm
gonna miss the photo!
709
00:25:27,509 --> 00:25:29,304
Ambulance will be
here next Wednesday.
710
00:25:29,406 --> 00:25:30,131
What?
711
00:25:30,234 --> 00:25:31,324
I got that switchboard operator
712
00:25:31,407 --> 00:25:33,409
you keep timing
with your stopwatch.
713
00:25:33,511 --> 00:25:36,307
Please, Mr. Brittas,
let me be in the photo!
714
00:25:36,408 --> 00:25:37,408
I have an idea.
715
00:25:44,550 --> 00:25:46,483
[Audience laughing]
716
00:25:46,584 --> 00:25:48,413
Well, I think it's
rather flattering.
717
00:25:48,516 --> 00:25:51,105
Oh, Mr. Brittas,
Mr. Humphries could take Colin!
718
00:25:51,206 --> 00:25:52,104
We could just slide him in.
719
00:25:52,206 --> 00:25:53,760
Right, as quickly
as possible, please.
720
00:25:53,862 --> 00:25:55,519
[Colin] I wanna be in the photo!
721
00:25:57,036 --> 00:25:58,472
We will, of course,
refund your petrol,
722
00:25:58,554 --> 00:26:00,487
providing you supply
me with a receipt
723
00:26:00,589 --> 00:26:02,557
and a note of the
mileage at the start
724
00:26:02,658 --> 00:26:05,178
and at the end of
your journey, all right?
725
00:26:05,279 --> 00:26:07,109
[Mobile ringing]
726
00:26:07,211 --> 00:26:08,523
Gordon!
727
00:26:08,626 --> 00:26:09,799
My darling?
728
00:26:09,902 --> 00:26:11,717
Mr. Brittas, the photographer
says we've got to hurry up.
729
00:26:11,799 --> 00:26:13,042
There's more cloud coming.
730
00:26:13,144 --> 00:26:16,147
Gordon, this is the
stupidest thing I've ever done,
731
00:26:16,249 --> 00:26:19,148
I mean, we're at 8,000
feet now, and I think-
732
00:26:19,250 --> 00:26:21,183
what was that, my darling?
I can hardly hear you.
733
00:26:21,284 --> 00:26:22,513
Could you wait,
Mr. Brittas, just let to me-
734
00:26:22,595 --> 00:26:23,665
[audience laughing]
735
00:26:23,769 --> 00:26:25,909
We've gotta go now, while
there's a gap in the clouds!
736
00:26:26,010 --> 00:26:27,218
It's now or never.
737
00:26:30,874 --> 00:26:33,877
[Audience laughing]
738
00:26:35,496 --> 00:26:37,014
Jesus Christ!
739
00:26:37,117 --> 00:26:40,396
She didn't wait for the signal!
740
00:26:40,498 --> 00:26:42,948
We haven't even
cleared whitbury!
741
00:26:43,050 --> 00:26:44,638
[Audience laughing]
742
00:26:44,740 --> 00:26:46,742
-Ah!
-Do we have a problem?
743
00:26:46,845 --> 00:26:50,020
Yes, it's my bag,
my spare films.
744
00:26:50,121 --> 00:26:51,432
It's only a bit of vomit.
745
00:26:51,535 --> 00:26:52,743
[Audience laughing]
746
00:26:52,847 --> 00:26:53,744
You spend your life nursing,
747
00:26:53,847 --> 00:26:55,918
cherishing your
precious equipment,
748
00:26:56,019 --> 00:26:58,781
keeping it under lock
and key, and now this!
749
00:26:59,676 --> 00:27:02,023
Well, that's your photo
knocked on the head.
750
00:27:02,125 --> 00:27:03,229
Pardon?
751
00:27:03,332 --> 00:27:05,748
No spare films now.
752
00:27:05,851 --> 00:27:10,062
Haven't you still got
some film in the camera?
753
00:27:11,024 --> 00:27:11,818
Yes.
754
00:27:11,921 --> 00:27:13,267
Well, we're ready.
755
00:27:14,198 --> 00:27:16,234
We've been here since nine!
756
00:27:16,336 --> 00:27:19,891
We've had phones ringing,
hay fever, morning sickness!
757
00:27:19,993 --> 00:27:22,582
You've swapped more
positions than the "Kama Sutra"!
758
00:27:24,063 --> 00:27:27,135
I am down to my last exposure.
759
00:27:27,236 --> 00:27:28,707
What on earth makes you
think we're going to get it
760
00:27:28,789 --> 00:27:29,789
in one now?
761
00:27:30,479 --> 00:27:32,308
D'you know what's
missing from your life?
762
00:27:32,410 --> 00:27:33,135
Hmm?
763
00:27:33,238 --> 00:27:34,239
Optimism!
764
00:27:34,342 --> 00:27:37,379
[Audience laughing]
765
00:27:38,654 --> 00:27:41,519
[Engine starting]
766
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,000
Ready?
767
00:27:45,174 --> 00:27:46,279
[Audience laughing]
768
00:27:46,382 --> 00:27:49,247
[Camera whirring]
769
00:27:51,940 --> 00:27:54,252
-[Explosion booms]
-[Staff scream]
770
00:27:54,356 --> 00:27:57,290
[Rubbish clatters]
771
00:27:59,154 --> 00:28:02,157
[Audience laughing]
772
00:28:02,260 --> 00:28:05,125
[Staff screaming]
773
00:28:09,544 --> 00:28:13,133
I'd be lying if I said I was
entirely happy with that one.
774
00:28:13,237 --> 00:28:15,101
[Regimental music]
775
00:28:15,204 --> 00:28:18,414
[Audience applauding]
776
00:28:18,464 --> 00:28:23,014
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