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1
00:00:04,137 --> 00:00:07,173
[ thunder ]
[ laughing ]
2
00:00:17,450 --> 00:00:20,086
It's alive!
3
00:00:37,337 --> 00:00:39,606
[ together ]
One, two, three.
4
00:00:39,672 --> 00:00:41,207
Ha, paper beats face.
5
00:00:41,274 --> 00:00:43,376
[ together ]
One, two, three
6
00:00:43,443 --> 00:00:45,145
Rock punches nuts.
7
00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:47,280
[ together ]
One, two, three.
8
00:00:47,347 --> 00:00:49,783
Yo, scissors in your anus!
9
00:00:49,849 --> 00:00:50,850
I hate this game.
10
00:00:50,917 --> 00:00:54,354
Our care bear franchise is
On the brink of collapse.
11
00:00:54,421 --> 00:00:56,756
Corrupted
By impure creatures
12
00:00:56,823 --> 00:00:58,925
That leech off
Our sunshine land.
13
00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:02,429
I'm talking, of course,
About the care bear cousins.
14
00:01:02,495 --> 00:01:03,530
Care bear cousins suck!
15
00:01:03,596 --> 00:01:06,533
I might be love a lot bear,
But I can hate a lot too.
16
00:01:06,599 --> 00:01:09,803
We can no longer ignore
The elephant in the room.
17
00:01:09,869 --> 00:01:12,338
Did I miss something?
18
00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:14,240
We must send them all
To the great
19
00:01:14,307 --> 00:01:16,576
Cloud keeper in the sky.
Bedtime bear.
20
00:01:16,643 --> 00:01:19,345
Y'all know what time
It is, it's bedtime!
21
00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:21,347
And by bed
I mean ethnic,
22
00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:23,515
And by time,
I mean cleansing.
23
00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:27,253
[chanting]
Care-a-lot!
Care-a-lot!
24
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:28,420
Stop!
25
00:01:28,488 --> 00:01:31,825
Whoa, famous care taker
Don cheadle.
26
00:01:31,890 --> 00:01:33,426
You don't have
To do this,
27
00:01:33,493 --> 00:01:35,527
I built a hotel where
The cousins can be safe.
28
00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:37,530
Yeah, we can keep
The corpses in there!
29
00:01:37,597 --> 00:01:40,233
No! That's not what
I meant at all.
30
00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:43,436
I loved you in swordfish
Mr. Cheadle.
31
00:01:43,503 --> 00:01:45,771
Can I have your autograph?
32
00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:47,140
Ah, ok.
33
00:01:47,207 --> 00:01:48,808
I'm lots-of-laughs bear,
34
00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:50,944
And I've gathered you
All here today,
35
00:01:51,009 --> 00:01:54,214
For a special happy celebration.
36
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:57,183
[laughing]
37
00:01:57,250 --> 00:02:00,487
If it's a special
Happy celebration,
38
00:02:00,553 --> 00:02:03,990
Then why am I crapping
A load in my drawers?
39
00:02:07,594 --> 00:02:09,395
We did it!
40
00:02:09,461 --> 00:02:11,664
We killed all
The care bear cousins!
41
00:02:11,731 --> 00:02:13,299
Hooray for murder!
42
00:02:13,366 --> 00:02:16,636
Now let us celebrate
Our genocide.
43
00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:18,471
Get your party on!
44
00:02:18,538 --> 00:02:21,774
Everyone, eat some rainbow!
45
00:02:21,841 --> 00:02:24,711
Hmm, that's good rainbow.
46
00:02:24,777 --> 00:02:26,746
[thunder]
47
00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:28,548
[bleep-bleep]
48
00:02:28,615 --> 00:02:31,484
It's the great cloud keeper
In the sky!
49
00:02:31,551 --> 00:02:34,353
Care bears, I have
Watched your actions
50
00:02:34,420 --> 00:02:35,655
With great displeasure.
51
00:02:35,722 --> 00:02:38,491
But we purified the land
Of care-a-lot.
52
00:02:38,558 --> 00:02:40,059
For your dark
And terrible deed,
53
00:02:40,126 --> 00:02:43,730
I shall turn care-a-lot into
A dark and terrible place.
54
00:02:43,796 --> 00:02:45,465
A hell on earth.
55
00:02:45,531 --> 00:02:47,800
I shall turn care-a-lot into...
56
00:02:47,867 --> 00:02:49,569
New jersey.
57
00:02:49,636 --> 00:02:51,938
No!
58
00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:56,509
Hello, I'm new jersey's governor
Jon corzine.
59
00:02:56,576 --> 00:02:58,578
I hope you've enjoyed
This reenactment
60
00:02:58,645 --> 00:03:00,613
Of our state's
Proud history.
61
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,148
The garden state,.
62
00:03:02,215 --> 00:03:05,785
Come get in
On some of this rainbow.
63
00:03:23,636 --> 00:03:26,773
Did you get it?
64
00:03:26,839 --> 00:03:28,575
Hey, nice shoes.
65
00:03:28,641 --> 00:03:31,978
But they'd look
Much better in my pants.
66
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,746
Wait.
67
00:03:33,813 --> 00:03:35,415
I mean,
Are you from heaven?
68
00:03:35,481 --> 00:03:38,985
'cause I've got an erection.
69
00:03:43,055 --> 00:03:45,558
[thunder]
70
00:03:45,625 --> 00:03:46,960
Ah, rob schneider.
71
00:03:47,026 --> 00:03:49,996
If he wasn't so handsome,
I would stop seeing his movies.
72
00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:52,765
Don't you agree,
Little heimlich?
73
00:03:52,832 --> 00:03:55,401
Yeah, papa.
74
00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:01,507
Ah, look out,
My papa!
75
00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:03,242
[choking]
76
00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:05,912
Papa!
77
00:04:09,282 --> 00:04:10,817
Papa!
78
00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:14,120
Ahhh!
79
00:04:15,788 --> 00:04:18,658
And punch and kick
And punch and kick
80
00:04:18,725 --> 00:04:20,059
And punch and kick
81
00:04:20,125 --> 00:04:21,928
And jazz hands,
And punch
82
00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:24,330
And good. Good,
Young heimlich.
83
00:04:24,397 --> 00:04:25,398
You are
Learning very fast
84
00:04:25,465 --> 00:04:28,101
Are you ready to face
Your deepest fear?
85
00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:30,903
Yeah!
86
00:04:32,338 --> 00:04:34,674
He's choking!
He's a goner, heimlich.
87
00:04:34,741 --> 00:04:38,411
Nein, he's practice.
88
00:04:38,478 --> 00:04:40,780
Hi-yah!
89
00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:45,418
Heimlich,
That maneuver
90
00:04:45,485 --> 00:04:47,220
Is the key
To your greatness!
91
00:04:47,286 --> 00:04:50,423
You are ready.
92
00:04:54,427 --> 00:04:56,329
[ woman screams ]
93
00:04:56,396 --> 00:04:58,431
[ laughs ]
94
00:04:58,498 --> 00:04:59,999
The choker.
95
00:05:00,066 --> 00:05:02,869
His portions are
Always too big.
96
00:05:02,935 --> 00:05:05,805
Heimlich,
Do the maneuver!
97
00:05:11,711 --> 00:05:13,780
Heimlich, how can
We ever thank you?
98
00:05:13,846 --> 00:05:15,481
Need bratwurst and beer.
99
00:05:15,548 --> 00:05:18,584
And this is how I,
Joe schumacher, see it.
100
00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:22,121
It's always sausage
With you, isn't it?
101
00:05:22,188 --> 00:05:24,590
Mary had a little lamb.
102
00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:28,928
Mary had a little lamb.
103
00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:33,032
Mary had a --
104
00:05:33,099 --> 00:05:35,902
[scratching]
Li-li-little lamb.
105
00:05:40,339 --> 00:05:43,776
Ricky, the doctors
Say the accident
Left you mute.
106
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,478
Do you know
What that means?
107
00:05:45,545 --> 00:05:49,182
It means you can't
Talk no more.
108
00:05:49,248 --> 00:05:50,750
But just because
You can't talk
109
00:05:50,817 --> 00:05:52,919
Don't mean you
Can't communicate.
110
00:05:52,985 --> 00:05:54,253
Look what I got you!
111
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:57,557
You'll wear this
Everywhere you go.
112
00:05:58,725 --> 00:06:00,893
Kick it over here,
Hi my name is ricky!
113
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:04,363
Nice job on defense,
Hi my name is ricky.
114
00:06:04,430 --> 00:06:05,832
You suck.
115
00:06:05,898 --> 00:06:08,968
You seriously
[bleep] Suck, dude.
116
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:15,575
Ricky, the doctors say
117
00:06:15,641 --> 00:06:17,543
The accident left you
Mostly deaf.
118
00:06:17,610 --> 00:06:19,178
Do you know
What that means?
119
00:06:19,245 --> 00:06:21,047
I said, do you know
What that means?
120
00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:23,616
Well anyway, this is
Just another challenge,
121
00:06:23,683 --> 00:06:24,851
Huh, champ-o?
122
00:06:24,917 --> 00:06:27,887
I got you
These hearing aids.
123
00:06:28,554 --> 00:06:32,391
Hey, nice hustle,
Hello I'm hearing
Impaired!
124
00:06:32,457 --> 00:06:38,030
You kinda suck,
Hello, I'm hearing impaired.
125
00:06:42,268 --> 00:06:45,204
Ricky, the doctors
Say the accident
126
00:06:45,271 --> 00:06:46,472
Affected your brain.
127
00:06:46,539 --> 00:06:48,541
We don't really know
What that means yet,
128
00:06:48,608 --> 00:06:52,879
But I got you these
Googly-eye glasses.
129
00:06:54,113 --> 00:06:56,115
We won, howdy, I have
Brain damage!
130
00:06:56,182 --> 00:06:58,451
Three cheers for
Howdy I have brain damage!
131
00:06:58,518 --> 00:07:01,320
Hip hip hooray!
Hip hip hooray!
132
00:07:01,387 --> 00:07:03,589
Wow, that was
Really something.
133
00:07:03,656 --> 00:07:05,625
Which kid
Is yours?
134
00:07:05,691 --> 00:07:08,161
That fat
Asian kid.
135
00:07:09,028 --> 00:07:10,263
Oh, my god!
136
00:07:10,329 --> 00:07:13,866
Jeffrey, we're out
Of ice cream!
137
00:07:24,043 --> 00:07:27,747
Look, potter, I taught
The sorting hat a new trick.
138
00:07:27,814 --> 00:07:29,048
Virgin!
139
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:32,784
Looks like potter is
He who shall not be laid.
140
00:07:32,852 --> 00:07:34,854
Guess the monster pubertus
141
00:07:34,921 --> 00:07:36,622
Hasn't caught up
With you yet.
142
00:07:36,689 --> 00:07:39,358
Pubertus is just
A myth, malfoy.
143
00:07:39,425 --> 00:07:40,560
Second base.
144
00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:42,428
Class, today we'll
Be learning spells
145
00:07:42,495 --> 00:07:45,164
Which give objects
The property of wood.
146
00:07:45,231 --> 00:07:46,832
Property of wood?
147
00:07:46,899 --> 00:07:49,268
That's happening
To me right now.
148
00:07:49,335 --> 00:07:50,603
Pubertus!
149
00:07:50,670 --> 00:07:54,373
Professor dumbledore,
I think the monster
Pubertus has cursed me.
150
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:55,707
Yo.
Who are you?
151
00:07:55,775 --> 00:07:57,909
Aw, harry,
It's me, double dough.
152
00:07:57,977 --> 00:07:59,245
But dumbledore
Isn't --
153
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,280
Listen, I'm a different actor
In every movie.
154
00:08:01,347 --> 00:08:04,350
Here, this might age you.
It was your dad's.
155
00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:05,751
It's engraved.
156
00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:07,720
"This handy stone
Fits in your palm,
157
00:08:07,787 --> 00:08:10,389
But only heat
Will turn it on."
158
00:08:10,456 --> 00:08:12,058
I know what turns me on --
159
00:08:12,124 --> 00:08:14,327
Halle berry in swordfish.
160
00:08:14,393 --> 00:08:15,761
Dvd-us pauses.
161
00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:17,964
Oh, no.
What is it, ron?
162
00:08:18,030 --> 00:08:21,000
The monster pubertus
Has cursed me, too.
163
00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:23,169
He's even cursed scabbers.
164
00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:24,270
All right,
You can stop now.
165
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,639
What are we gonna do?
Let's ask
Hagrid for help.
166
00:08:26,706 --> 00:08:28,307
Don't be ridiculous, hermione.
167
00:08:28,374 --> 00:08:30,343
We need to confront
The terrible horror ourselves,
168
00:08:30,409 --> 00:08:33,578
And potentially end up
Hospitalized, like always.
169
00:08:33,645 --> 00:08:35,681
All right, just finish.
170
00:08:35,748 --> 00:08:37,216
Professor snape,
Harry and ron
171
00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:39,518
Have been cursed by
The monster pubertus.
172
00:08:39,585 --> 00:08:40,753
Pubertus, eh?
173
00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:45,324
Let's discuss this further
In my magical jacuzzi.
174
00:08:45,391 --> 00:08:48,327
Barry whitus, candlelightus,
175
00:08:48,394 --> 00:08:50,696
Girl excite-us.
176
00:08:50,763 --> 00:08:53,432
[ romantic music plays ]
177
00:08:53,499 --> 00:08:55,134
So, shall we play
178
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:57,803
Put the sorting hat
On the slytherin?
179
00:08:57,870 --> 00:08:59,538
Pedifilius repellus.
180
00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:03,276
According to legend,
Pubertus lives in
This dungeon.
181
00:09:03,342 --> 00:09:05,177
Harry, I'm scared.
182
00:09:05,244 --> 00:09:07,079
You're always scared,
You chicken [bleep].
183
00:09:07,146 --> 00:09:10,383
I can't help it!
I'm a scared, pimple-faced,
184
00:09:10,449 --> 00:09:12,318
Red-headed
Chicken [bleep] Virgin!
185
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:15,554
Ron, shush! Do you
Hear that noise?
186
00:09:15,621 --> 00:09:17,690
All: pubertus!
187
00:09:17,757 --> 00:09:19,892
Hormonus
Controllus!
188
00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:21,961
Only heat will
Turn it on.
189
00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:25,231
I must have
To rub the stone.
190
00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:29,969
It worked!
191
00:09:30,036 --> 00:09:30,836
[ roars ]
192
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:33,873
Quickly harry,
Rub it out again.
193
00:09:39,545 --> 00:09:42,448
Harry, rub another one
Out quickly!
194
00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:44,150
I'm rubbing as hard as I can,
195
00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:46,352
And the stone is
Getting all chafed.
196
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,187
Harry, I forgot to explain.
197
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,589
The rubbing stone
Can only be used
198
00:09:50,656 --> 00:09:52,491
Three times in a day.
199
00:09:52,558 --> 00:09:54,860
Four if you take a week off.
200
00:09:54,927 --> 00:09:56,796
Then how do we
Defeat pubertus?
201
00:09:56,862 --> 00:09:59,198
Man, you can't defeat pubertus.
202
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:00,666
He lives inside y'all.
203
00:10:00,733 --> 00:10:03,069
Just as my own demon,
Wandus limpus,
204
00:10:03,135 --> 00:10:07,640
Prevents me from having
Meaningful relationships.
205
00:10:11,577 --> 00:10:14,280
Captioning provided
By turner studios
206
00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:17,249
♪ [ clucking ] ♪
14113
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